Photography

Photograph is only one of two hobbies since I have had since a child (gardening is the other). When I am behind the lens (or screen) it is amazing how time becomes fluid and how my heart flutters. I can be in a crowd of thousands and I hear the simple calm voice in my head calculating composition, lighting, and color... inventing new ways of seeing conventional things... seeing things as they are and not as the icons we imagine in our head.... finding indescribable beauty in an ordinary white fluffy cloud.

It's from the Greek words φῶς "light" and γραφή "drawing", together roughly translates to light writing. It is how I tell stories. Is how I show the world what I see and what I feel. It is existential. It is real. It is raw. Like music it has to power to capture the emotional relevance of a given moment. It bites and won't let go.


Photograpy is the difference in this:



and this



(as an aside it's funny how we also migrated from the noble love associated with the return of a war hero featured below to the raw passion of the image above)

Mein Kamph

Just rehashing what I wrote yesterday and adding a little more...

Basically I have gone from Christianity (which was a decision based on fear -. Hell or retribution from an angry God) to hedonism (essentially aimless living, which was based on selfishness - this eventually grew tiresome and hollow) to a renewed version of Christianity to pan-spiritualism. Next I went on the open road and then into the wilderness for a while (in the vein of Moses, Jesus, Emily Dickinson, ect). At first I sought to "loose myself of imaginary lines" and later after my admission that I have no clue, I sought peace through revelation though not through faith (yet).

This led me to form my own views and admit the limitations of my own understanding. Next was an honest examination of Buddhism... And though it was helpful, I ended up trading one form of stress for another and it still didn't give a reason for living besides enlightenment (which is selfishness, which I suppose is better than
fear as a motivator).

I have mostly given up on finding any set path long ago, though I
thought it might come from a patchwork understanding of spirituality
(or relationships with others) I think it will most likely come from
within...

Yesterday someone posed a very simple question to me: "What is one
thing could you never do without?"

The company of interesting people (that is humanity, our species) might be the only thing on that list. Though I can rationally come up with many reasons why that is a silly goal (impossibility of connecting our concisenesses, the ethereal and corruptible nature of memory, the future extinction of our species in a few billion years, the fact that need is simply a psychological dependency on my part), it still provides some measure of satisfaction when viewed in the context of beauty. It is timeless and eternal and does not need permanence to have meaning - like my favorite analogy - making sand castles by the sea shore. Interestingly, in some ways this merges all of my views (and old hopes)... The over arching goal of Christianity, most other religions, my childhood lessons from my parents, and a response to the most basic of philosophical questions. Why live? Simply, to love.

Maybe by faith I can go a step further and do as Jesus suggests and
love those who hate you...

Meaning and Purpose, Redux

Hell, I can't even get over the basic concept of free will. The only honest thing I feel I can do is just stop and cry and scream "I don't know" to the universe. I guess that might be what I am looking for... someone who just simply admits that along with me and will join me in the search... I wouldn't mind meeting someone who's already found something to latch on to either.

As an aside...what's ironic to me is when I did that I was left with a resounding peace from the very place I started. Here
and here. This is where Kant ended his search.. "in particular Immanuel Kant's "critical" philosophy in order to carry out a reductio ad absurdum according to which all rationalism (philosophy as criticism) reduces to nihilism, and thus it should be avoided and replaced with a return to some type of faith and revelation."

Buddhist-style meditation and thinking has been helpful for dealing with this anxiety but I still have a lot of anxiety when I pause to reflect on my future and purpose. I really don't have a clue. It's almost analysis paralysis.. And it seems Neitchze was spot on:

"One such reaction to the loss of meaning is what Nietzsche calls 'passive nihilism', which he recognises in the pessimistic philosophy of Schopenhauer. Schopenhauer's doctrine, which Nietzsche also refers to as Western Buddhism, advocates a separating oneself of will and desires in order to reduce suffering. Nietzsche characterises this ascetic attitude as a "will to nothingness," whereby life turns away from itself, as there is nothing of value to be found in the world. This mowing away of all value in the world is characteristic of the nihilist, although in this, the nihilist appears to be inconsistent[31]:

A nihilist is a man who judges of the world as it is that it ought not to be, and of the world as it ought to be that it does not exist. According to this view, our existence (action, suffering, willing, feeling) has no meaning: the pathos of 'in vain' is the nihilists' pathos — at the same time, as pathos, an inconsistency on the part of the nihilists."

This is certainly true, I have an overwhelming sense of peace concerning the trivialities of daily life, but it has been replaced with a singular overarching pathos - a lack of purpose.

This is where I am at now:

Nietzsche's relation to the problem of nihilism is a complex one. He approaches the problem of nihilism as a deeply personal one, stating that this problem of the modern world is a problem that has "become conscious" in him.[32] Furthermore, he emphasises both the danger of nihilism and the possibilities it offers, as seen in his statement that "I praise, I do not reproach, [nihilism's] arrival. I believe it is one of the greatest crises, a moment of the deepest self-reflection of humanity. Whether man recovers from it, whether he becomes master of this crisis, is a question of his strength!"[33] According to Nietzsche, it is only when nihilism is overcome that a culture can have a true foundation upon which to thrive. He wished to hasten its coming only so that he could also hasten its ultimate departure.[18]

He states that there is at least the possibility of another type of nihilist in the wake of Christianity's self-dissolution, one that does not stop after the destruction of all value and meaning and succumbs to the following nothingness. This alternate, 'active' nihilism on the other hand destroys to level the field for constructing something new. This form of nihilism is characterized by Nietzsche as "a sign of strength,"[34] a wilful destruction of the old values to wipe the slate clean and lay down one's own beliefs and interpretations, contrary to the passive nihilism that resigns itself with the decomposition of the old values. This wilful destruction of values and the overcoming of the condition of nihilism by the constructing of new meaning, this active nihilism could be related to what Nietzsche elsewhere calls a 'free spirit'[35] or the Übermensch from Thus Spoke Zarathustra and the Antichrist, the model of the strong individual who posits his own values and lives his life as if it were a work of art.


I have struggled and came to the same conclusion a while back. That my purpose was simply to build sandcastles in the sea shore. I could not be attached to the permanence of my efforts or creation.

I am in my battle field. I take time to play, meet others and to forget the war of ideas in my head, but I do not for one moment pretend that I have emerged on the other side victorious. I suppose it is a dark place and I haven't wanted to admit that, but the positive characterization of my place in life certainly helps me to admit this. I guess you could equate to a Christmas Truce, though I let these lighthearted periods last a little longer than a day. I don't think my spirit has a enough strength to bear a constant intellectual struggle.

For You

You just call out my name,
and you know wherever I am
I'll come running
to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall,
all you got to do is call
You've got a friend.

Hey, ain't it good to know that you've got a friend?
People can be so cold.
They'll hurt you and desert you.
Well they'll take your soul if you let them.
but don't you let them....

To be happy to see you
To always try to see the other side
To not be selfish
To never give up
To be honest, even when it hurts

Film

So, after a few interesting events... my old high school made a short film over interim, i went to a play reading at the UU, and quite possibly the craziest dream I have ever had, the artfulness of film has been on my mind. I promised a friend (who manages a a local art movie house) that I would write up my favorite films... It's also one of the few "hobbies" I have had for more than a season (photography is the only other).

And for this love I must thank the Sundance channel (and for Netflix these days). I first discovered it when was 14 years old. I watched it at my parents house over satellite because we were too far away from anything to get cable (they still are). I had no clue what cinema was. Movies were about making people laugh or seeing shit blow up (or occasionally being scared). But whatever the reason it was entertainment, thinking was not involved. It's funny how things change. The only time I watch those films now are on the big screen, usually around Chirstmas or the forth of July when the blockbusters are released. One, they are useless otherwise, and two, I would be doing a disservice to myself to be that out of touch with popular culture. Any film that grosses a few hundred million is worth seeing, particularly if the reviews aren't terrible (Avatar, Inception, ect...)

In my opinion a great film has to have several key characteristics: Innovative cinematography (Requiem for a Dream), a witty and insightful script (Dinner with Andre/Woody Allen Films), well developed characters (Little Miss Sunshine), take me to a place I haven't been before (Lord of the Rings/Dark Days), and a moving soundtrack (Gladiator). Having a quirky sense of humor or peculiar characters is also fun (You and Me and everyone we know/How's Your News). If a film has even one of these I will watch it, if has two or three of these it will be quite moving. If you combine them all, you have the most moving medium known to man. It is theatre, photography, literature, music and philosophy rolled into one. It's as close to life as art gets. I don't know of a higher art form.

It might be because of my ADD. I can't focus on a book because my own thoughts are pounding in my head louder than the words I am reading. It's not uncommon for me to read an entire page and have no clue what I just recited. Music does have this power to grip me, and photography does to, but not for hours on end. I have only stared one painting my entire life. Film is the only medium that has the power to grip me and maintain my focus...

The first film I fell in love with was the Seventh Seal by Ingmar Bergman and it landed on my face like a block of ice. It's set in the Middle Ages, during plague. It follows a knight who has just returned from some sort of crusade. The film opens with the night sitting on a cold, rocky beach, watching the setting sun. The film is in black and white and the white ball of the sun fades to the pale white face of Death cloaked in a black hooded robe. The knight questions death about chess, and a bit amused, Death (in a calm, bouncy Swedish cadence) agrees to play a game with him. The film follows the knight through the countryside as he seeks to outwit death and then eventually acquiesces he will lose and rather than trying to beat death he just tries to make it happen more slowly, and for the first time in his life, actually enjoys the simple pleasures of life - a sunset and a bowl of wild strawberries and milk. It was visually amazing, emotionally gripping, philosophically challenging and took me to a world I'd never seen before. It was the first time I had ever looked at film as art.

I might write more about this later, but I don't see belaboring each film being useful... BUT... I will say that I really do enjoy Vanilla Sky and I feel like I shouldn't. I know it's cheesy, emotionally gripping (but shallow) pop cinema... yet I still like it. Maybe it's the fact that it has an amazing soundtrack and beautiful women (maybe Penelope Cruz alone is the reason). I would like to know why.

I will also add that as well known as he is, Roger Ebert really is a great critic. I like his reviews and our tastes in film are pretty similar. I also find his writing to be very good. Here is a sample of his work on my aforementioned guilty pleasure.

Status Update

School
I got the scholarship I applied for which will cover almost all of my tuition for the upcoming year. The grant expires after 1 year, so I will have to reevaluate if it is not renewed. Either way, I think the science courses I will be taking are going to be pretty interesting and beneficial even if I don't pursue a career in education (general knowledge, medicine, pharmaceutical sales, other sciences). This summer I am taking two courses I need before I can start more advanced coursework this fall and it is taking up most of my time.

House and Community
I move back into my house on the 1st which I am excited about. Over the past month I have been working on the community garden in my neighborhood which has been a lot of fun. We had our grand opening this past weekend and about 100 people came out.
In the process of developing the garden we realized it would be beneficial to partner with other groups to complete the project. One of those groups was Homeless Helping Homeless who was responsible for a large part of the organization this past weekend - the mayor came, everyone was fed by a local organization called Food not Bombs and the CEO for Square Foot Gardening came out to see the project and made a big donation. What amazed me about this was how everyone had their own agenda (helping the homeless, cleaning up a neglected are, promoting healthy home-grown food) and yet was totally able to come together on this project. For me, I was certainly a part of the community, my church actually donated a few thousand dollars and I have really just enjoyed the entire process of turning the earth and watching these plants go. I also put a few hundred dollars worth of fruit trees on my credit card and was able to sell some as a fund raiser. The proceeds actually went towards getting a fruit orchard in the garden. It went over very well and we now have 15 trees in the ground. It was a special day.
More broadly we have also been continuing to hassle the city. We have been working to get a long term reforestation plan, we received two grants for new housing, and did another well attended litter cleanup. If anything, through this garden project and my reforestation effort I have learned the importance of focusing your efforts rather than trying to tackle too many different problems at once. A few high quality projects are worth more than dozens of mediocre ones. I think the aggregate change is still the same, but it terms of public awareness, personal satisfaction, and in bringing people into the community there is no comparison. Through this garden project alone we have added a few more community members to our ranks, been able to generate positive press on both tv and print, and been able to form partnerships with other organizations around the city that were not possible before this project.
As for my house, I have already found two roommates and it looks like my monthly costs will be around $125 with all bills included. This should make going back to college simple. I also want to do a few projects again. I planted all the shade trees I wanted a few months ago so now I would like to add an outdoor seating area with fireplace, a small koi pond, and a few raised beds for home gardening. I also added the orchard at my parents house that I started on last year. We have about 20 fruit/nut trees (figs, pomegranates, peach, plum, pear, apple, persimmon, cherry, pecan, walnut) there now as well as blueberries and grapes. I plan to continue to add to this collection over the years. I have a feeling I will end up here in the latter part of my life. If not permanently, certainly to visit my parents and get away on a regular basis.











Orchard in Salley




Spiritual Journey

I feel good in this regard. I am just working towards being more at ease, lessening my desire to have control of outcomes, working on seeing things from other people's perspectives, and just trying to see the beauty in each moment while offering a sense of gratitude for it all. I am also trying to be aware of the sense of purpose and meaning that can be found in each moment and trying to find the courage to speak up or do what needs to be done. I have a few more books on my self - some more stuff on buddhism and one on understanding yoga via the Bhagavad Vita. I quit attending the Buddhist center (I just have an odd feeling when I visit) but I did find a new new church just around the corner from my house. I am surprised I haven't heard of them already, but I am glad I found them. They sound like a happy, searching bunch of people - just what I am looking for. I am looking forward to attending in the coming weeks.

Miscellaneous
Other than that I have been running a little (Marine Core Mud Run, 1 Mile race (set a PR of 5:55), and a local 5k), did some kayaking, dating a lot, and just enjoying my friends and family... Looking forward to deep sea fishing this weekend


I feel good...

Resolution

I always get a little stalkerish when relationships come to an end and I have wondered why for a long time. Why does it bother me so much that I am willing to obsesses over it. I know all it along it has little to do with the other person, but it has a lot to do with my desire to sort things out. I want resolution. I am a very extroverted person and I thrive on talking about my problems. Few things bother me more than ignoring me or not talking about a problem when it's clear there is one. I don't get particularly attached to outcomes - just tell me what you want and I can quickly adapt - but I do have an overwhelming desire to know how things stand - particularly when things seem off kilter. And the end of relationships usually bring those behaviors where it's clear something is wrong and those times when people would rather not talk about it because that is easier.

Anyway, in the future I guess I could just be more direct about things and say "you seem a little different, is something wrong?" I guess I could also try to exercise a little more patience but it's usually after a few beers that these strong emotions crop up. I guess I could stop drinking too, but what fun would that be....

Chasing my tail

It would take a lifetime
to unlearn everything I know
and start again
Even if I had the time
I've already conceded I don't have the capacity
Maybe that's why I set my standards at perfection
so I can stay distracted by the chase
then I think of Ecclesiastes
"chasing after the wind"
but if god is perfection
maybe that's the same thing...
I wish it was that simple

More than anything I want meaning. I want purpose. I suppose for a long time I felt I would be able to find that in someone else. That this fairy tale romance would come along and somehow reveal to me what I have been missing in my life. Yes, I want some one who is pretty and healthy and wants to start a family and who might share my disparate interests in film, gardening, photography, ect... but I actually found all of that, and still I thirst. The single quality I want more than anything has remained elusive. I want peace with the way and direction I lead my life. I want someone who has that and makes me believe in what they believe in. I feel like the ways in which most people (mine included most of the time) are mindless distractions and almost entirely futile. I think most people feel like as long as they are helping others, they are living with meaning. I can't help but question that. Why is it good to save people? Why is it good to save Earth? Why does any of it matter?

I feel like a lot of the things people value are as thin as paper lanterns, like I could pierce them with a pencil. And when I ask questions, I tend to do just that. Sometimes I feel like I am just walking down the beach jumping on sandcastles or knocking down little kids towers of blocks. I have a hard time identifying and uniting myself with someone who views the world on such simple terms. It might be the fact that I don't have the faith in anyone to live by their own terms, to live an honest life by the things they say they really care about. Or maybe I really do think about things more critically.

I always finding myself concerned with the biggest of problems... sustainability of the human species, health of our planet, the structure of government and society, human suffering, global economies and human capacity in general and specifically to understand "god" (and other "spiritual" things). Often times that comes at the expense of the life that I live, the things I do with my time and how I deal with the problems that come up in the lives of my friends. It's hard enough to simply turn my attention from these inescapable, monstrous problems to the little things. It's even harder to turn my attention towards these little things and not feel like I am selling myself short or to spend a good portion of my time focused on one person. I feel like I have the capacity to do so much, I just don't know what's worth putting my time into. I feel guilty for simply enjoying life and ignoring these things.

The main thing I realized is that I hoped to find someone else to help me find meaning/purpose, but I think I am going to have to find it on my own before I will be able to settle down and be happy joining my life with another person indefinitely. I guess I knew that all along though since I have been kicking my marriage plans a decade into the future...

I have too much going on in my head right now - I just wish I could stop this endless cycle. I guess I should stop typing since I am starting to wander and not tie it all together, but I am glad I got some of it out. I will sort it out over the next few weeks.

Online Dating

A long-time friend of mine joined an online dating site a few years back and eventually met his wife on there. After my breakup, I actually joined. Mainly because I realized I had very specific tastes in women and was past the point of just meeting pretty strangers. Plus, it pays into my general desire to do things efficiently. Obviously everyone you encounter on the site is single and looking, and sorting through attractive versus unattractive people is quite simple and much of the awkwardness associated with traditional introduction melts away (I usually need a few beers for this to seem natural).

Anyway, there are two interesting things I have noticed since I have joined. The first were the types of women that the sites have set me up with and the second was the way I began to define myself after I realized I wasn't trying to cast the widest net possible to attract the largest number of mates, but rather isolate those few people who see the world like I do (or at least have mutual acceptance of each others views).

On one site, you are allowed to answer literally hundreds of user-generated questions which offer a few choices on both how you would respond and how you would hope a potential mate would respond. It then allows you to state an importance level ranging from irrelevant to mandatory. It then uses these ratings to match up users with each other. The site does a good job - I have actually been quite happy with the results and met some interesting people though the site. Girls I wouldn't have met otherwise. Some are still friends. That being said, I was pretty surprised with the types of women it was matching me up with. Many had tattoos, piercings, were outspoken, and a few had pasts that involved heavy drug use. It was interesting to me that if I had a stronger desire to be around people who see the world like I do, I would have socialized with people like that. It was almost as if I started to identify myself in the same way - and that I was just masquerading as a frat/mama's boy.

Along the same lines, it was also interesting to see how my answers changed to the questions over time. My little fears surrounding conventional relationships melted away. I was able to answer each question with an increasing amount of honesty and clarity. And at each point, there were still nice, attractive, interesting people who were a 90+ percent match. All in all, it has been a pretty liberating experience. I feel like I have been able to embrace all my quirks and be at ease with the things I enjoy. It's also translated into real life. I feel like when I meet new people I am telling them exactly how I feel because I have a much greater confidence that I am not isolating myself. I am able to talk freely, and to my surprise people generally respond pretty positively, and when they don't, it doesn't bother me nearly as much, since I don't doubt myself. The need to fit myself into some silly little box fades away.

It's been fun....

Miscommunication

It's funny how things have a way of getting naturally distorted. I recently was at a friend's house and they had a copy of the saccharine, but ever-so-popular novel The Notebook and flipped through its pages and landed on the scene where she flipped through two years of letters she never received from her former lover. It's easy to see how communication can fail when it has been intercepted, but it is quite another to realize you can say exactly what you mean and it can still be equally lost on the other person.

I remember how I excessively wrote to clarify what I meant after I left Connecticut and how I spent months trying to sort it all out. In my head I knew there was no way I could reconcile what was happening with what I really intended. I had hope my words would bring clarity, but I never considered the possibility that they hadn't even been understood. I thought I made it so plain.

It wasn't until last night though, that I realized this. That even when I say what I mean, language isn't precise enough to take the idea out of my head and make it pop into another person's. Without getting into the nuance that would take too long to explain, the basic storyline was that I said something, my friend took it the wrong way. Then, I said something else which only further compounded the miscommunication> By then she was too frustrated and just didn't want to talk anymore. I knew at that point there was nothing I could say to change her perception of the situation or of my intentions. So, I just kept talking to her, got in my car, and drove over to her house. I got there, gave her a hug and just said I didn't mean any of it that way. That was all it took, and she knew exactly what I meant. I still had to clarify a few things later, but the point I realized was that without the ability to just drive over, hold her down for just a moment and make her look into my face I wouldn't have been able to say what I meant. It was just a reminder how how complicated human communication is and how confusing it is.

I guess the important this is that I can see it now, and because of that, don't mind putting in the work to fix these things. I know back in my college days, I would have stood on the premise that I said what I meant, I could defend it, and I was right so I didn't have anything to be sorry for. It's funny how a little shakeup can change the way you see things. It's also a strong reminder of how much we all communicate nonverbally.

Scarification

Some plants, those with thick exteriors, need to be beat up a little to germinate.

I think human emotion is similar in those who are well guarded. Those times in life where we are shaken up the most in life are chances to really grow.

Earth Day

I don't think we will voluntarily alter our course of over-consumption without a release from consumerism, which will require a release from materialism, which will require a release from insecurity which is at the heart of it... Which will also require peace with one's self and the will to just live simply without having to prove anything to anyone... We have a long way to go

Well, I have had a little time to air my latest plan to teach to my closest friends and family, and for the most part, they have all sort of just encouraged me to do whatever made me happy. I expected a little discouragement (particularly from my finance friends) to pursue a career that would offer more income and social exposure with interesting people, but they all seemed to agree with my self assessment that the open ended schedule would do me more good in the long run, and that the corporate life was probably not for me. I also, sort of realized, that though this is a good sounding idea, it's still not my passion and this is just a temporary way to pass my time until I find what it is that I love. It will be two years in college and though scholarships and federal aid, it will be a relatively inexpensive venture, so as long as I don't mind giving up the income, I will probably enjoy myself without going into too much debt.

That being said, I feel like when I do discover what it is that I enjoy, I will latch on to it like a laser beam, but until then I am going to just wander sort of aimlessly, trying my best to enjoy life as it presents itself. What was sort of surprising (though it shouldn't have been) was when I told my friends I have absolutely no clue what I want to do, they basically said "No, shit." I suppose that has always been one of my biggest fears, and it's kind of interesting that everyone knew all along and just sort of nodded their heads and accept that was a part of my personality. A friend told me a while ago a silly acronym about FEAR - false expectations about reality. I suppose there is a lot of truth about that. We sort of walk around with these secret fears and then when we air them, basically no one cares. It's funny how things work out like that. Anyway... that's one step closer to being an open book.

note to self

Criticism is very useful, but like a sharp knife or delicate glass, it must be handled with care.

One of the things I do best is discuss with people topics other are afraid to broach. The benefits from talking about sensitive issues openly are twofold. First is that it has the potential to create more meaningful human relationships. There is a very interesting trust that develops when one reveals their insecurities to another. The second is that it has the potential to liberate the person from the shame/fear/worry that is typically associated with closely guarded feelings.

Interestingly (at least when I think about the variance in my own behaviors) if I am talking about things that I know are sensitive to others, I can actually be quite delicate and thoughtful with my words. However, if I am talking about things like business or politics or general societal problems that are out of my control I have a tendency to steam roll people - the verbal equivalent of nailing a thumb tack with sledge hammer. It is particularly useful if my sole goal is to win an argument, but if I hoped for anything beyond that I certainly fall flat. It ends up isolating people, shutting down conversation, and keeping whatever idea I hope to advance from taking root (because no one wants to be associated with the ideas of an asshole). Most of it probably has to do with the fact that I tend to criticize the person for holding such beliefs (which tends to evoke a defensive response) rather than talking about the merits of a given position.

I think a good bit of it has to do with the fact that this is simply how my dad and I talk to each other. It is a form of verbal playfulness, and I have always had people in my life who understood this and could go along perfectly happily. However, they are rarities. If I hope to ever reach out to a wider audience I am going to have to soften my tone. I am going to try to focus on this in my conversations with others.

She said "I am sorry for being a bitch"

I just said "thank you."

We said goodbye shortly after.

I didn't really know what to feel. My head went numb. I went and laid in bed for about 15 minutes afterwards. Not relaxed, just frozen. I think I was feeling too many things at once and my mind just froze like a computer with too many applications running at once.

I feel like I am playing with with matches in a fireworks store. I have dealt with all of this. I certainly needed to hear that for my own sake, but I don't like what it means. It means that the person I so deeply cared about was there all along. It means she changed, but not at the core. It means things just didn't work out. Not that anyone in particular is to blame - distance, AT&T's shitty service, our own emotional immaturity at the time, parents, my stubbornness, my job, the economy. Life happened.

I keep finding myself going back to my own little fairy tales..

But it's been so long. I don't know how to sort it all out. So much has changed. We haven't really spoken in over a year.

So, I just turned to the dialogue I have had with myself in order to find a little clarity.


---also torn between affirming and ridiculing the form of attachment I had. Part of me says it was the kind of secure attachment that is the basis for a good relationship, the other part of me says it's exactly this kind of attachment that leads to pain
----

Fall 2010

Well, I made my trip to NYC and now I am back. I feel like I always return from these journeys a new type of man.

I didn't tell my old girl I was in town this time, but she emailed me over my birthday so I responded, extended an invitation and we ended up sitting down a few days later to talk. I am glad we did, it clarified so much. I didn't sense the uncertainty in her eyes, the warmth I used to know was gone, and she was just another person that I'd met along life's journey.

As usual, the conversation started out in the concrete. I've learned how to deal with the inevitable period of introductions and status updates that must precede any emotional conversation we ever have.I just nod my head, share some anecdotes and try to give a time line of the things goings on of our lives. I recognize them as coincidences and would rather talk about what I learned but there is something comforting to her about talking about the concrete reality of the world. Ironically that is exactly the realization I had.

For the longest time I felt two distinct emotions. Primarily that I had hurt someone I really cared about and that someone I believed in had given up on me. Independently either is a difficult life experience, together they was a bit much. Especially when paired with my own uncertainty about what I would for for a "career."

What made it even worse was that the one person I would typically go to for moral support was the person in question (which was also another problem which has led me to be more open with more people so I am not in that position again - there is little to be gained from being so closed off to the world). In short I felt very alone, and it was scary.

But it was good. I had to stare in the mirror for a long time. I was eventually able to see myself and not see what I wanted to be.

To be clear I never cared about dating. That was her idea and that was why I ended it in the first place. I felt like we could never be close until she dealt with a few big things holding her/us back and I had my own reservations I wanted to address that I wasn't going to be able to do in a long distance relationship. It wasn't about changing who she was as much as getting her to break the shackles of external expectation (mostly from family), but I felt like if it was going to work, certain things were going to change. If that didn't change then I really didn't have a lot of faith that it was going to work in the long term because she was never going to fully be herself.

Anyway, we were complete opposites. She was introverted, I was extroverted. She lived in the concrete realities of life, I thrived on the abstract and theoretical. I based my decisions on logic and rationality, she was very emotional. I liked freedom and open ended endeavors, she preferred rules, order a plan, and security. It might sound like a recipe for disaster, but and it might have been, but I felt like we really complemented each other on a very profound level. I got her to see beyond her own little circle and she kept me grounded and got me out of my head. In some ways I was a little bored with the future I could imagine, but at the same time I felt like a lot of it had to do with trusting the other person and knowing it was going to take me to a better place. I did trust her. At some point, I think she just lost faith in me, or at least began to believe I didn't have her best interests at heart.

------

Fast forward to now...

Looking back, and as hard as it was for me to admit/believe, I think she made a good choice based on what she had to work with. She also hadn't seen a side of my that was going to be essential for her to be truly happy, and I wasn't going to be happy until she was free to be her own woman. He was also much more in line with what she said she wanted for her life and was certainly more stable than the giant flaming question mark that defines my own existence.

Though at the time, I guess I feel like that's what defined the end of our relationship, and why it's been so hard for me to move on. I never gave up. I just kept clinging to my own aforementioned fairy tales.

My buddy Joe told me long before we broke up that "you are just too tough for the a girl as delicate as the one you are describing to me." I think he's probably right. At the time I was a lot more coarse and stubborn and demanding. She needed someone who was more tender. My heart has since softened and I feel a lot more receptive to the needs of others, and I guess that was a lot of the reason it hurt as much as it did. I felt like I kept pouring myself and trying to show I could change, but the words I kept sowing would not sprout no matter how much I worked to change . It was as if she had already made a verdict on the value of my soul. The problem is I trusted her more than I trusted myself so rather than just know I had changed I felt like I needed to prove something to myself and to her. I had self doubt that I couldn't shake.

I'm not angry. Well, I don't feel angry. But do I feel short changed. I feel like we should have had another shot. 

Reflecting

In some ways it feels like I have been on a multi-month bender. No drugs have been involved (well except alcohol and coffee) and at the end of all the fun, trips, girls, and laughs I still find that same old restlessness. Eventually I give up trying to outrun my own discontentment, I pause, and then I turn to the other ways humanity has dealth with it. This process happens almost by accident though. I usually just grow tired of going out and spend a night long stint online sifting through hundreds of pages of articles of new information. I would say this happens about once a month. It wasn't until tonight that I realized this is one of the most important parts of my spiritual search. Where new ideas aired, find fertile soil in my mind and plans for the future are made. In the past, I have turned to science, my own faith, philsophers.... lately I have given a bit of creedence to the thousands of years of knowledge about curing that restless spirit. The collective knowledge we call religion... It's taken a while to open up to these ideas, but they have been very helpful to me over the past few months in finding contentment in my circumstances.

It's also at times like these were I latch on to my new obsession... whether it is travel, sustainability, art, music, or just some silly new hobby I want to. Anyway, it's funny how much growth occurs in these little bursts of attention I have. I don't really know what value this is, but I just wanted to note it for myself more than anything else.

Plans, Plans, Plans....

I am always coming up with plans. I think I like ideas more than the reality of executing them. But anyway.... The latest is high school biology teacher.

I really think this is good for now. I am still in the exploration mode of life and this type of job will give me the chance to explore and work for the foreseeable future. And with a work day that ends at 3pm, I will be free to have a ton of other hobbies I wouldn't even be able to consider if I went back to finance. I also have the option of working anywhere in the country I want - even in rural areas that might not have any other real opportunities. It will give me a chance to work/explore at the same time.

I've got another meeting with the college of education this Thursday and I registered for classes at the tech school for the summer session. I should be able to knock out the pre-reqs by the end of fall semester. The other nice thing is that since I have almost no income, I am eligible for Pell grants which will make school much cheaper... and for the loans I do take out, most are forgiven if you teach in high needs subject or geographic areas. It looks like starting salaries are about 40k for the schools near where I live which will be more than enough for a comfortable lifestyle, and there are also a few good schools within walking distance of my house, which is pretty sweet too. I also went by the local high school and tried to set up an appointment to get some classroom time with a teacher, though he referred me back to the university since there are so many background checks that need to be conducted these days.

I was also really excited about the idea of starting a tax lein hedge-like fund, but the damn hurdles you have to jump through to be a registered investment advisor (even in this state!) are insane. It's all state-run, but the process is standardized across the nation. The first of several forms I had to fill out was over 100 pages. Scratch that. At least for now. It would certainly be a good thing to combine with a career in education, but it will take quite a while to set up. In the mean time I will continue investing in tax auctions and acquiring properties along the way.

Each day

Take a moment to meditate, for clarity, for peace...

Take a moment to reflect on what I did, and what more I could have
done... Be deliberate

Trainhopping

I saw these rough, dirty looking kids in packs. Soot on their hands, dirt under their fingernails, matted hair, smelly with ratty looking dogs by their sides. I first spotten them in alphabet city in NYC. I saw them again in Savannah this past weekend. They looked like what I imagined from Cormac McCarthy's The Road or from a Mad Max episode.

I did some reading and tried to figure out what they were. It appears they are freight hopping vagabonds. Living on what they find, going where the tracks take them. I came across this quote and wanted to share in, particularly in my quest to sort out all of my views.

"The average man grows up to live a regular life and to work as a part of it. We are taught to believe that there is a necessary relation between doing our daily tasks, eating our regular meals, going to bed in a fixed place, rising at a pre-arranged hour, wearing a certain kind of clothes, that there is between all this and being 'good' an unalterable relationship: as also between being good and being happy. Religion gives its awful sanction to this theory, habit fortifies it; successive generations of what we call civilization even create an instinct which even makes us think, or at least say, we like it: When suddenly to one of us comes the discovery that we can stop all this and yet live - nay, grow fat, perhaps, and vigorous and strong; drop worry and responsibility... everywhere, see everything... and when that discovery comes, it is apt to be fatal."

-John J. McCook

Rereading old posts

It has been an interesting year. I also have some unfinished business. I still need to wrap up the CFA and the CAIA. I also need to spend some serious time at the ecovillage. It's the perfect time of year for living there. I just called and scheduled a visit. I'll spend a weekend there within the next month or so. My house is vacant again on May 31, so hopefully I can spend an extended amount of time there before I move back in. People have such different views there. I am looking forward to it.

This really makes me see how much I need to switch to a career in education. I don't think I can live the rest of my life without these extended breaks to explore and experience different walks of life in different places. I don't think there is a much more easily achievable way to ensure I have the flexibility to do this with a stable source of income (not to mention a reasonable measure satisfaction with my job.) Alright, I think I just talked myself into going to the college of education again to see who can help me.

Coming out...

I haven't written a lot lately, and that's probably a good thing.

I went to a concert the other week, and the singer remarked "I don't write songs when I am hula hooping in the backyard in the sunshine." I don't either. I use this blog to sort out difficult ideas and emotions, to put them on paper and see what they look like. It's not a daily diary, but that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking - I have actually been doing quite the opposite.

I feel like I just came out of the closet.

I just told my sister-in-law about my recent views on religion and that I go to the Unitarian Universalist church. I have shared my views with close friends, other devout Christians, and even family members. Though this was the first time I have shared them with someone who was close to me, who I knew would find fault with them.

I didn't go into the same level of detail with my grandmother about my views, but to the extent that I shared my biggest differences in theology, I felt like there was a reasonable agreement to disagree. That she respected my search and understood my perspective. I felt like my sister-in-law was left with the simple conclusion that I was wrong and I was doomed to hell. I think her biggest fears are that I am going to lead her kids, particularly my niece who looks up to me, into the fires of hell along with me (and all the other UU's). After our conversation I almost want to write a book just to explain my point of view and how I see Jesus and how he fits into my wider views on spirituality. It would certainly take that long to explain it all in detail...

I think the biggest break I have made is with my own ability to grasp "truth... and by that I mean the nature of God and the universe. I think Plato does a good job of describing this in his allegory of the cave. This also means I do not believe in the inerrancy of the Bible (or any holy book) which is a precursor to everything else most fundamentalists believe.

I feel like the Bible, for the most part, becomes almost an idol for most Christians. Without TOTAL faith in every word of the Bible it becomes untenable to support the spiderweb of claims which underpin "Southern Christianity." By acknowledging that there are imperfections I free myself to, as Jefferson said, "separate the diamonds from the dung." I found his work, to be particularly helpful in at least beginning the process of sorting out my own views. I had not realized what I stranglehold it had on me and the extent that it kept me from seriously considering other viewpoints (at least without an overly critical skepticism). The book that was most helpful in this process was One Bible, Many Voices: Different Approaches to Biblical Studies, By Susan Gillingham.


I feel liberated.

I am taking classes at the Buddhist center right now and reading several books. I am also enjoying a class at the UU called Heart to Heart , which was actually written by a former minister here at the Church I go. It's based on the idea of open sharing and deep, deep listening that we often don't get a chance to do. I feel like I have finally opened myself up, admitted my own ignorance and and finally started SEARCHING again. It's a good feeling.

I also feel challenged.

I was asked to give a brief outline of my views during an inter-generational service at church in a few weeks. It's not a big deal, but I respect quite a few people at the congregation and I am taking this very seriously, both for myself, and for them. I really do want to be able to state rather clearly and succinctly what I believe and define an outline for how to live my life.

I feel like the entire point of my life thus far has been the search for meaning and purpose, but I have never sat down and written out what I believe. It has been an overarching goal for the past few months to sort all of this out and I am glad I was finally given a due date for the assignment.

Jobs and life

My job hunt has been in full swing and I had several interviews with companies and one that I was particularly excited about. It was a management consulting role with Accenture. I would have been based out of NYC, on the road all the time and working with a variety of industries and companies. I think it would have fit me very well, but I did have very serious reservations about giving up my life here in SC. Given that it didn't work out, I think I am going to do my best to stay here and work on seeking out a job that gives me the flexibility and free time that I want in life. I am going to seriously consider going to into education. In the meantime I will probably continue to progress with my CFA and CAIA just so I have something to fall back on.

Through this process I feel like I began to sort out a loose life plan. I think over the next ten years or so I am going to pay off my house, save up some money and least enough to generate a little passive income. After that I will definitely be moving on to something like education so I have the chance to spend time with the family I hope to be starting by then. After the kids are older I think it would be nice to switch to something like local government and/or possibly be a Unitarian Universalist minister (or at least in a capacity to help people in that respect).

The rejection left me feeling a bit dejected for a day, but thankfully I was on my way to my parent's house in Salley when I received the email. If there was any ever doubt about my future, it was cleared up. After a good meal of mom's home cooking, a walk around the pond, and a few new fruit trees which I planted around the house everything was fine. Even if I never got another job, I would have to be pretty ungrateful not to be happy in an environment like that.

When I consider what I have. A nice downtown home, a house in the country, a loving family, a college degree with no student loans, great friends and a social network, reliable transportation, a great climate, good health, youth - who cares how much money I am making or what sort of job I have. I just need enough to provide for myself and have some savings. If I am honest, this job hunt has mostly been a pursuit of arrogance and image given I don't really enjoy the work all that much (certainly less than other things I could be doing with my time). I am personally not very worried about any of that (obviously, since I have taken the last two years off). I just worry what others will think of me if I don't go chase a big job. I have a fear of being labeled a failure... It's peer pressure, pure and simple. I am buying into the idea I need to have a prestigious job with good benefits, great pay, a corner office, a matching 401k, ect... but when I really consider what scares me, it's the idea of trading a large majority of my life for a paycheck and at the end of it wondering where the hell it went.

It's a pretty cool feeling planning something out and then making it
happen just like you imagined it

Today is the day I stop letting the future get in the way of the present