Some plants, those with thick exteriors, need to be beat up a little to germinate.
I think human emotion is similar in those who are well guarded. Those times in life where we are shaken up the most in life are chances to really grow.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Earth Day
I don't think we will voluntarily alter our course of over-consumption without a release from consumerism, which will require a release from materialism, which will require a release from insecurity which is at the heart of it... Which will also require peace with one's self and the will to just live simply without having to prove anything to anyone... We have a long way to go
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Well, I have had a little time to air my latest plan to teach to my closest friends and family, and for the most part, they have all sort of just encouraged me to do whatever made me happy. I expected a little discouragement (particularly from my finance friends) to pursue a career that would offer more income and social exposure with interesting people, but they all seemed to agree with my self assessment that the open ended schedule would do me more good in the long run, and that the corporate life was probably not for me. I also, sort of realized, that though this is a good sounding idea, it's still not my passion and this is just a temporary way to pass my time until I find what it is that I love. It will be two years in college and though scholarships and federal aid, it will be a relatively inexpensive venture, so as long as I don't mind giving up the income, I will probably enjoy myself without going into too much debt.
That being said, I feel like when I do discover what it is that I enjoy, I will latch on to it like a laser beam, but until then I am going to just wander sort of aimlessly, trying my best to enjoy life as it presents itself. What was sort of surprising (though it shouldn't have been) was when I told my friends I have absolutely no clue what I want to do, they basically said "No, shit." I suppose that has always been one of my biggest fears, and it's kind of interesting that everyone knew all along and just sort of nodded their heads and accept that was a part of my personality. A friend told me a while ago a silly acronym about FEAR - false expectations about reality. I suppose there is a lot of truth about that. We sort of walk around with these secret fears and then when we air them, basically no one cares. It's funny how things work out like that. Anyway... that's one step closer to being an open book.
That being said, I feel like when I do discover what it is that I enjoy, I will latch on to it like a laser beam, but until then I am going to just wander sort of aimlessly, trying my best to enjoy life as it presents itself. What was sort of surprising (though it shouldn't have been) was when I told my friends I have absolutely no clue what I want to do, they basically said "No, shit." I suppose that has always been one of my biggest fears, and it's kind of interesting that everyone knew all along and just sort of nodded their heads and accept that was a part of my personality. A friend told me a while ago a silly acronym about FEAR - false expectations about reality. I suppose there is a lot of truth about that. We sort of walk around with these secret fears and then when we air them, basically no one cares. It's funny how things work out like that. Anyway... that's one step closer to being an open book.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
note to self
Criticism is very useful, but like a sharp knife or delicate glass, it must be handled with care.
One of the things I do best is discuss with people topics other are afraid to broach. The benefits from talking about sensitive issues openly are twofold. First is that it has the potential to create more meaningful human relationships. There is a very interesting trust that develops when one reveals their insecurities to another. The second is that it has the potential to liberate the person from the shame/fear/worry that is typically associated with closely guarded feelings.
Interestingly (at least when I think about the variance in my own behaviors) if I am talking about things that I know are sensitive to others, I can actually be quite delicate and thoughtful with my words. However, if I am talking about things like business or politics or general societal problems that are out of my control I have a tendency to steam roll people - the verbal equivalent of nailing a thumb tack with sledge hammer. It is particularly useful if my sole goal is to win an argument, but if I hoped for anything beyond that I certainly fall flat. It ends up isolating people, shutting down conversation, and keeping whatever idea I hope to advance from taking root (because no one wants to be associated with the ideas of an asshole). Most of it probably has to do with the fact that I tend to criticize the person for holding such beliefs (which tends to evoke a defensive response) rather than talking about the merits of a given position.
I think a good bit of it has to do with the fact that this is simply how my dad and I talk to each other. It is a form of verbal playfulness, and I have always had people in my life who understood this and could go along perfectly happily. However, they are rarities. If I hope to ever reach out to a wider audience I am going to have to soften my tone. I am going to try to focus on this in my conversations with others.
One of the things I do best is discuss with people topics other are afraid to broach. The benefits from talking about sensitive issues openly are twofold. First is that it has the potential to create more meaningful human relationships. There is a very interesting trust that develops when one reveals their insecurities to another. The second is that it has the potential to liberate the person from the shame/fear/worry that is typically associated with closely guarded feelings.
Interestingly (at least when I think about the variance in my own behaviors) if I am talking about things that I know are sensitive to others, I can actually be quite delicate and thoughtful with my words. However, if I am talking about things like business or politics or general societal problems that are out of my control I have a tendency to steam roll people - the verbal equivalent of nailing a thumb tack with sledge hammer. It is particularly useful if my sole goal is to win an argument, but if I hoped for anything beyond that I certainly fall flat. It ends up isolating people, shutting down conversation, and keeping whatever idea I hope to advance from taking root (because no one wants to be associated with the ideas of an asshole). Most of it probably has to do with the fact that I tend to criticize the person for holding such beliefs (which tends to evoke a defensive response) rather than talking about the merits of a given position.
I think a good bit of it has to do with the fact that this is simply how my dad and I talk to each other. It is a form of verbal playfulness, and I have always had people in my life who understood this and could go along perfectly happily. However, they are rarities. If I hope to ever reach out to a wider audience I am going to have to soften my tone. I am going to try to focus on this in my conversations with others.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
She said "I am sorry for being a bitch"
I just said "thank you."
We said goodbye shortly after.
I didn't really know what to feel. My head went numb. I went and laid in bed for about 15 minutes afterwards. Not relaxed, just frozen. I think I was feeling too many things at once and my mind just froze like a computer with too many applications running at once.
I feel like I am playing with with matches in a fireworks store. I have dealt with all of this. I certainly needed to hear that for my own sake, but I don't like what it means. It means that the person I so deeply cared about was there all along. It means she changed, but not at the core. It means things just didn't work out. Not that anyone in particular is to blame - distance, AT&T's shitty service, our own emotional immaturity at the time, parents, my stubbornness, my job, the economy. Life happened.
I keep finding myself going back to my own little fairy tales..
But it's been so long. I don't know how to sort it all out. So much has changed. We haven't really spoken in over a year.
So, I just turned to the dialogue I have had with myself in order to find a little clarity.
---also torn between affirming and ridiculing the form of attachment I had. Part of me says it was the kind of secure attachment that is the basis for a good relationship, the other part of me says it's exactly this kind of attachment that leads to pain
----
Fall 2010
Well, I made my trip to NYC and now I am back. I feel like I always return from these journeys a new type of man.
I didn't tell my old girl I was in town this time, but she emailed me over my birthday so I responded, extended an invitation and we ended up sitting down a few days later to talk. I am glad we did, it clarified so much. I didn't sense the uncertainty in her eyes, the warmth I used to know was gone, and she was just another person that I'd met along life's journey.
As usual, the conversation started out in the concrete. I've learned how to deal with the inevitable period of introductions and status updates that must precede any emotional conversation we ever have.I just nod my head, share some anecdotes and try to give a time line of the things goings on of our lives. I recognize them as coincidences and would rather talk about what I learned but there is something comforting to her about talking about the concrete reality of the world. Ironically that is exactly the realization I had.
For the longest time I felt two distinct emotions. Primarily that I had hurt someone I really cared about and that someone I believed in had given up on me. Independently either is a difficult life experience, together they was a bit much. Especially when paired with my own uncertainty about what I would for for a "career."
What made it even worse was that the one person I would typically go to for moral support was the person in question (which was also another problem which has led me to be more open with more people so I am not in that position again - there is little to be gained from being so closed off to the world). In short I felt very alone, and it was scary.
But it was good. I had to stare in the mirror for a long time. I was eventually able to see myself and not see what I wanted to be.
To be clear I never cared about dating. That was her idea and that was why I ended it in the first place. I felt like we could never be close until she dealt with a few big things holding her/us back and I had my own reservations I wanted to address that I wasn't going to be able to do in a long distance relationship. It wasn't about changing who she was as much as getting her to break the shackles of external expectation (mostly from family), but I felt like if it was going to work, certain things were going to change. If that didn't change then I really didn't have a lot of faith that it was going to work in the long term because she was never going to fully be herself.
Anyway, we were complete opposites. She was introverted, I was extroverted. She lived in the concrete realities of life, I thrived on the abstract and theoretical. I based my decisions on logic and rationality, she was very emotional. I liked freedom and open ended endeavors, she preferred rules, order a plan, and security. It might sound like a recipe for disaster, but and it might have been, but I felt like we really complemented each other on a very profound level. I got her to see beyond her own little circle and she kept me grounded and got me out of my head. In some ways I was a little bored with the future I could imagine, but at the same time I felt like a lot of it had to do with trusting the other person and knowing it was going to take me to a better place. I did trust her. At some point, I think she just lost faith in me, or at least began to believe I didn't have her best interests at heart.
------
Fast forward to now...
Looking back, and as hard as it was for me to admit/believe, I think she made a good choice based on what she had to work with. She also hadn't seen a side of my that was going to be essential for her to be truly happy, and I wasn't going to be happy until she was free to be her own woman. He was also much more in line with what she said she wanted for her life and was certainly more stable than the giant flaming question mark that defines my own existence.
Though at the time, I guess I feel like that's what defined the end of our relationship, and why it's been so hard for me to move on. I never gave up. I just kept clinging to my own aforementioned fairy tales.
My buddy Joe told me long before we broke up that "you are just too tough for the a girl as delicate as the one you are describing to me." I think he's probably right. At the time I was a lot more coarse and stubborn and demanding. She needed someone who was more tender. My heart has since softened and I feel a lot more receptive to the needs of others, and I guess that was a lot of the reason it hurt as much as it did. I felt like I kept pouring myself and trying to show I could change, but the words I kept sowing would not sprout no matter how much I worked to change . It was as if she had already made a verdict on the value of my soul. The problem is I trusted her more than I trusted myself so rather than just know I had changed I felt like I needed to prove something to myself and to her. I had self doubt that I couldn't shake.
I'm not angry. Well, I don't feel angry. But do I feel short changed. I feel like we should have had another shot.
I just said "thank you."
We said goodbye shortly after.
I didn't really know what to feel. My head went numb. I went and laid in bed for about 15 minutes afterwards. Not relaxed, just frozen. I think I was feeling too many things at once and my mind just froze like a computer with too many applications running at once.
I feel like I am playing with with matches in a fireworks store. I have dealt with all of this. I certainly needed to hear that for my own sake, but I don't like what it means. It means that the person I so deeply cared about was there all along. It means she changed, but not at the core. It means things just didn't work out. Not that anyone in particular is to blame - distance, AT&T's shitty service, our own emotional immaturity at the time, parents, my stubbornness, my job, the economy. Life happened.
I keep finding myself going back to my own little fairy tales..
But it's been so long. I don't know how to sort it all out. So much has changed. We haven't really spoken in over a year.
So, I just turned to the dialogue I have had with myself in order to find a little clarity.
---also torn between affirming and ridiculing the form of attachment I had. Part of me says it was the kind of secure attachment that is the basis for a good relationship, the other part of me says it's exactly this kind of attachment that leads to pain
----
Fall 2010
Well, I made my trip to NYC and now I am back. I feel like I always return from these journeys a new type of man.
I didn't tell my old girl I was in town this time, but she emailed me over my birthday so I responded, extended an invitation and we ended up sitting down a few days later to talk. I am glad we did, it clarified so much. I didn't sense the uncertainty in her eyes, the warmth I used to know was gone, and she was just another person that I'd met along life's journey.
As usual, the conversation started out in the concrete. I've learned how to deal with the inevitable period of introductions and status updates that must precede any emotional conversation we ever have.I just nod my head, share some anecdotes and try to give a time line of the things goings on of our lives. I recognize them as coincidences and would rather talk about what I learned but there is something comforting to her about talking about the concrete reality of the world. Ironically that is exactly the realization I had.
For the longest time I felt two distinct emotions. Primarily that I had hurt someone I really cared about and that someone I believed in had given up on me. Independently either is a difficult life experience, together they was a bit much. Especially when paired with my own uncertainty about what I would for for a "career."
What made it even worse was that the one person I would typically go to for moral support was the person in question (which was also another problem which has led me to be more open with more people so I am not in that position again - there is little to be gained from being so closed off to the world). In short I felt very alone, and it was scary.
But it was good. I had to stare in the mirror for a long time. I was eventually able to see myself and not see what I wanted to be.
To be clear I never cared about dating. That was her idea and that was why I ended it in the first place. I felt like we could never be close until she dealt with a few big things holding her/us back and I had my own reservations I wanted to address that I wasn't going to be able to do in a long distance relationship. It wasn't about changing who she was as much as getting her to break the shackles of external expectation (mostly from family), but I felt like if it was going to work, certain things were going to change. If that didn't change then I really didn't have a lot of faith that it was going to work in the long term because she was never going to fully be herself.
Anyway, we were complete opposites. She was introverted, I was extroverted. She lived in the concrete realities of life, I thrived on the abstract and theoretical. I based my decisions on logic and rationality, she was very emotional. I liked freedom and open ended endeavors, she preferred rules, order a plan, and security. It might sound like a recipe for disaster, but and it might have been, but I felt like we really complemented each other on a very profound level. I got her to see beyond her own little circle and she kept me grounded and got me out of my head. In some ways I was a little bored with the future I could imagine, but at the same time I felt like a lot of it had to do with trusting the other person and knowing it was going to take me to a better place. I did trust her. At some point, I think she just lost faith in me, or at least began to believe I didn't have her best interests at heart.
------
Fast forward to now...
Looking back, and as hard as it was for me to admit/believe, I think she made a good choice based on what she had to work with. She also hadn't seen a side of my that was going to be essential for her to be truly happy, and I wasn't going to be happy until she was free to be her own woman. He was also much more in line with what she said she wanted for her life and was certainly more stable than the giant flaming question mark that defines my own existence.
Though at the time, I guess I feel like that's what defined the end of our relationship, and why it's been so hard for me to move on. I never gave up. I just kept clinging to my own aforementioned fairy tales.
My buddy Joe told me long before we broke up that "you are just too tough for the a girl as delicate as the one you are describing to me." I think he's probably right. At the time I was a lot more coarse and stubborn and demanding. She needed someone who was more tender. My heart has since softened and I feel a lot more receptive to the needs of others, and I guess that was a lot of the reason it hurt as much as it did. I felt like I kept pouring myself and trying to show I could change, but the words I kept sowing would not sprout no matter how much I worked to change . It was as if she had already made a verdict on the value of my soul. The problem is I trusted her more than I trusted myself so rather than just know I had changed I felt like I needed to prove something to myself and to her. I had self doubt that I couldn't shake.
I'm not angry. Well, I don't feel angry. But do I feel short changed. I feel like we should have had another shot.
Saturday, April 09, 2011
Reflecting
In some ways it feels like I have been on a multi-month bender. No drugs have been involved (well except alcohol and coffee) and at the end of all the fun, trips, girls, and laughs I still find that same old restlessness. Eventually I give up trying to outrun my own discontentment, I pause, and then I turn to the other ways humanity has dealth with it. This process happens almost by accident though. I usually just grow tired of going out and spend a night long stint online sifting through hundreds of pages of articles of new information. I would say this happens about once a month. It wasn't until tonight that I realized this is one of the most important parts of my spiritual search. Where new ideas aired, find fertile soil in my mind and plans for the future are made. In the past, I have turned to science, my own faith, philsophers.... lately I have given a bit of creedence to the thousands of years of knowledge about curing that restless spirit. The collective knowledge we call religion... It's taken a while to open up to these ideas, but they have been very helpful to me over the past few months in finding contentment in my circumstances.
It's also at times like these were I latch on to my new obsession... whether it is travel, sustainability, art, music, or just some silly new hobby I want to. Anyway, it's funny how much growth occurs in these little bursts of attention I have. I don't really know what value this is, but I just wanted to note it for myself more than anything else.
It's also at times like these were I latch on to my new obsession... whether it is travel, sustainability, art, music, or just some silly new hobby I want to. Anyway, it's funny how much growth occurs in these little bursts of attention I have. I don't really know what value this is, but I just wanted to note it for myself more than anything else.
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