I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. It makes it hard to plan my day.

-E..B. White

"For in creative hands, the camera, like the telescope and the
microscope, becomes and instrument to widen man'a horizons - providing
greater knowledge, understanding, and insight."

- Andres Feininger, "The World Through My Eyes"

I have been reading a lot of photography books lately and came across
this quote in a book about Edward Steichen....

"The thread I am following leads to the presence of a large soul - a
soul so large it can be, like Gulliver in Lilliput, a little
insensitive to the requirements of those closest to him, but also can
and unite multitudes with its persistent love of life"

It definitely summarizes one of my biggest weaknesses, but more
importantly, it highlights one of my biggest goals...

Hyperbole....

Wow, I was pissed. I was just going through some old drafts and came across this one from a year or two ago. I forgot I used to be so mad. It felt good to read this again.I felt like I skipped this stage of grief because I knew it would push it away. I guess it's ok to share now.


Goodbye Christina Karpinski

I've kept it in for too long... and quite frankly I think my subtlety has been a waste. I think the direct and pointed letters I sent back in January were more helpful, so hopefully this will summarize my current state of feelings....

"I'm sorry
I can't talk to you
because well, I'm shacking up
with my new beau
makes things difficult you see?"
Yeah, I see
Makes things real clear
fucking cunt
Thanks for chilling on the sidelines
for months
while I sat patiently, waiting for you
giving you space, letting you heal
wishing you would call
ripping my heart out
Thanks
I really appreciated being strung along
"Well it's not quite like that
It's partly financial
I couldn't afford do this on my own"
oh so you're kind of whoring yourself out
that's real classy
but at least this way you can keep it a secret
"it's not like that asshole"
ok i'm sorry - I will call it practical
that's what I strive for isn't it
"Oh yeah, and I meant all those sweet things
I said, but umm
Well, they don't mean anything now
I just wanted to make sure the new thing was solid
before, you know, I let you go
You have to understand
I really can't bear to be alone"
I know this dear, you are still the same
scared little person
otherwise you wouldn't have had to push me away
unless of course you reverted back
to a checkbox checker... clicking off life's to do's
"That's mostly it... I know what I want and ummm...
I'm just gonna ignore you from now on
I don't know who you are anymore
this whole trip in the woods
what is that? seriously?
and I have never felt this way about anyone
I don't want you to mess up any of it
life is so fabulous
he's the cherry on top"
Well why did you keep reading every week for months
even though we didn't speak
"Oh god, I didn't know what you would write
I was worried
and interested"
oh that your mother would find out
the one who has been reading my blog more than you?
and worried that I might say something
when I haven't even once mentioned you by name
"Yes, all of that"
oh ok, well that makes sense
Well you have fun with your short
bisexual, meathead, balding sugar daddy and his guido gene pool
If I didn't know better I would say he has a Napoleon complex
which would explain some things
or maybe he's trying to cover up something
which would explain you
"he's not short! and he's got a great job
a nice body
a nice car
a big house
but none of that matters
I love him"
well have fun
while you hide the rest of your life
from your controlling mother
and keep your grandmother in the dark
about the life you are really living
Tell the rest of your family I said hello
It really was just your mother than I didn't like
The fact that she was stuck on this idea that she was some
high class socialite bitch
I think she kind of figured out I didn't want any of that
when I brought over southern macaroni and cheese
It didn't fit in very well with the cantaloupe and prosciutto
at Thanksgiving dinner
Not sure what sparked it, but my guess is that
I think she was jealous of her surgeon brother
I might feel differently
if she hadn't judged me from the moment I met her
another low class southern fuck up
You even told me once, via your dad, months after it was over
'...and you didn't want him to be your son in law - big mistake"
I tried a few times to get her to warm up
and after you shared with me all the mean things she said
I said fuck it, and fuck her
you have to be an idiot to side with her on this issue
especially after the ending
I shouldn't have forgotten my first impression of you
she is too conventional
I could never date you
but I was lonely
and I needed a companion
so I tried keeping you at a distance
so you wouldn't get hurt
because I thought you wanted more than I was going to give
and you did, for the longest time
and then you know what?
"what"
I finally warmed up to you
I actually started to believe that I could
settle for a sweet girl
who wrote nice little cards
and sent little presents
and needed to be constantly coddled
or maybe I just missed the sex
who knows
then you said you got hurt anyway
and I went on for months feeling guilty
trying to make amends
feeling like a total dick
thinking I'd hurt some sweet little girl
well you know what I think now
"what"
you're more like your mom than I thought
and I'm glad I see that now
and that I had to leave
'cause otherwise this would have drug on
for years
or I might just have married a bitch
and ended up as another bitter father
--
also
every time you tell yourself you are happy
think about the suggestions I gave you
and the choices you made
and then add it all up
and quit blaming me for being unhappy
I knew why you were
and it wasn't because of me
it was your circumstances
I know you better than you think

I guess I have come to accept that most of the answers to the technical
questions I ask have been answered and the ones that have not are ones
that I would never have had the patience and diligence to solve.

Given all the pieces are here, and simply scattered about, I have come
to see a strong role for those who can bring them together - whether
this be as a statesman, a prophet or as a weaver of imagery, I am
indifferent.

Lately I have been voraciously reading books on photography and
practicing the finer technical aspects of the craft. In some ways I
think this may be the best use of my time, but first I feel like I
need to learn the language of imagery. How to communicate through
photos. How to speak what cannot be said with words. In looking over
books the past few weeks it is rather amazing what can be said with a
single image that would take pages to otherwise communicate....

Getting comfortable with ambiguity, uncertainly....

Just a reminder

Stop forcing it, just be natural