wings beating hundreds of times per second
I could see the scales on its wings
just like a butterfly
all this craftsmanship for a week of life
and drop of my blood
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
What I have been trying to say
I bought this shirt
and cut out what mattered
but I didn't know what to do with it
---
for a while it served as a reminder
that I had to sort some things out
make some decisions
---
but then I realized it's just an illusion
there are no "safe bets"
we don't call the shots
we're just along for the ride
we just have a choice to live
or not
to face reality
or cling to fairy tales
and egos
and stick our heads in the sand
---
we open doors
and take chances
but we don't get to choose the endings
---
but it's more than that
it's about the type of life you will live
it's the difference in free Sunday samples
at Costco
and sneaking down a habnero pepper at Stop and shop
it's the difference in breakfast in bed for your birthday
and breakfast in bed in your birthday suit
it's the difference in Thanksgiving dinner
and an the same meal with some macaroni and chese
the difference in a 20 mile bike ride
and one with a detour for some raspberries by the road,
and an imagined tour of the big house with the tree swing out front
the difference in cooking dinner
and having it get stuck in the oven and burnt to ashes
the difference in dinner with two old friends
and a 3am meal with two hitchhikers
the difference in a movie night
and a viewing of Manos: the hands of fate
the difference in a direct flight
and a first class flight straight into an overnight layover
the difference in a few flights to distant lands
and a roadtrip left up to the wisdom of locals
the difference in another 5k road race
and one in a Speedo and Santa hat
the difference in winning it big in Vegas
and being happy scamming them for quarters
the difference in a piece of fruit
and fresh cherries off a tree in California, apples from Connecticut or in a box from me
the difference in being full
and letting your grandama stuff me with homemade pasta
the difference in a free continental breakfast
and a free buffet coupon you had to haggle for
the difference in swimming in the lake
and walking on ice
the difference in a moving company
and one redneck with a Uhaul
the difference in a nice hotel
and the back of a jeep
the difference in a snow day stuck inside
and one spent sitting in the hot tub, betting who can lay in the snow the longest
the difference in a Christmas tree
and the little midget, Charlie Brown one we picked out
the difference in dancing in a bar
and dancing naked in the road
the difference in the names our parents gave us
and the nicknames we earn, Brick
the difference in the guy who knew all the right words
and the one who took 6 months to get it out
the difference in someone who just gives in
and the one that won't give up
the difference in being happy
and being in love
It's the difference in another boring life
and one worth living
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
if you said something besides
"I'm happy"
I think I could understand
if you said
"I don't love you anymore"
"I am in love with someone else"
and mean it
then I could walk away in peace
but you didn't
you didn't even feign the words
---
the fact is
you're doing eveything
I wish you'd of done while we were together
you made your mom give you some space
you're looking for a new job and a new place
you go out, have a life
found some more hobbies
your health is back to normal
not to mention the winter is over
don't mix up why you feel the way you do
blaming me for your unhappiness
makes about as much sense as blaming me
for your guilt
or your regrets
for why you still care,
for the fact that I can still shake you up
or why you're still looking at this blog,
weeks later
about as much sense
as me taking credit for you feeling good
they were your choices, not mine
---------------------
you called me delusional
but I didn't make up what I saw
what your eyes told me, what you said
I might have gone crazy for a little while...
but I didn't pull an emotional 180,
purposefully hurt a friend,
and then lie about what happened
---
I am disappointed in you
you're not the same person I thought you were
you got mad when I called you "weak"
but there is something in your character
I didn't see when we dated
maybe it's just self preservation
and you're just putting yourself first
and putting me under the bus
maybe it's just the fact that you are a person
and this is your humanity, your imperfection
your muddled mess
the side of you I called out when we first hung out
"you're not as tough as you act"
either way, I have been trying for too long
always giving you the benefit of the doubt
blaming myself, feeling guilty
trying to invent reasons
why you didn't mean this, didn't mean that
but I can't do that forever
After a while, I have to give up on what I thought
and simply believe what I see
even if I don't want to
---
I made mistakes too. I was angry.
I was hurt and didn't know how to admit it.
but I didn't run away.
Running away won't make you forget.
It won't make you feel any less guilty.
That's why I had to look deep inside
acknowledge things I didn't like
and try like hell to change them.
That's why I opened up
That's why I have been writing so much
That's why I got on the 4am train to Penn Station,
why I drove 1500 miles round trip
why I called and fought like hell
to make you see
that part of what you said was true,
but the other part couldn't be any farther from the truth.
It's why I don't say stuff like "I'm sorry it had to end this way"
and then go right ahead and do it anyway.
---
I know you're sorry.
I know you didn't want it to be this way.
I looked in your eyes and could see that.
But I can't figure out for the life of me
why you keep pushing me away,
pushing me out of your life.
Trying to just erase it,
or at least the memory of some part of it.
----
hopefully I did enough
to show you who I am
what I'm made of
that I was sorry
and that I really did care
and that I know how to love
that I loved ya
sorry you couldn't accept it
I wish you hadn't run away from it
all I needed was a friend
and I think you did too
"I'm happy"
I think I could understand
if you said
"I don't love you anymore"
"I am in love with someone else"
and mean it
then I could walk away in peace
but you didn't
you didn't even feign the words
---
the fact is
you're doing eveything
I wish you'd of done while we were together
you made your mom give you some space
you're looking for a new job and a new place
you go out, have a life
found some more hobbies
your health is back to normal
not to mention the winter is over
don't mix up why you feel the way you do
blaming me for your unhappiness
makes about as much sense as blaming me
for your guilt
or your regrets
for why you still care,
for the fact that I can still shake you up
or why you're still looking at this blog,
weeks later
about as much sense
as me taking credit for you feeling good
they were your choices, not mine
---------------------
you called me delusional
but I didn't make up what I saw
what your eyes told me, what you said
I might have gone crazy for a little while...
but I didn't pull an emotional 180,
purposefully hurt a friend,
and then lie about what happened
---
I am disappointed in you
you're not the same person I thought you were
you got mad when I called you "weak"
but there is something in your character
I didn't see when we dated
maybe it's just self preservation
and you're just putting yourself first
and putting me under the bus
maybe it's just the fact that you are a person
and this is your humanity, your imperfection
your muddled mess
the side of you I called out when we first hung out
"you're not as tough as you act"
either way, I have been trying for too long
always giving you the benefit of the doubt
blaming myself, feeling guilty
trying to invent reasons
why you didn't mean this, didn't mean that
but I can't do that forever
After a while, I have to give up on what I thought
and simply believe what I see
even if I don't want to
---
I made mistakes too. I was angry.
I was hurt and didn't know how to admit it.
but I didn't run away.
Running away won't make you forget.
It won't make you feel any less guilty.
That's why I had to look deep inside
acknowledge things I didn't like
and try like hell to change them.
That's why I opened up
That's why I have been writing so much
That's why I got on the 4am train to Penn Station,
why I drove 1500 miles round trip
why I called and fought like hell
to make you see
that part of what you said was true,
but the other part couldn't be any farther from the truth.
It's why I don't say stuff like "I'm sorry it had to end this way"
and then go right ahead and do it anyway.
---
I know you're sorry.
I know you didn't want it to be this way.
I looked in your eyes and could see that.
But I can't figure out for the life of me
why you keep pushing me away,
pushing me out of your life.
Trying to just erase it,
or at least the memory of some part of it.
----
hopefully I did enough
to show you who I am
what I'm made of
that I was sorry
and that I really did care
and that I know how to love
that I loved ya
sorry you couldn't accept it
I wish you hadn't run away from it
all I needed was a friend
and I think you did too
Significant Other
When you're hungry
everything tastes good
that's why mama always said
don't go grocery shopping on an empty stomach
everything tastes good
that's why mama always said
don't go grocery shopping on an empty stomach
I like the thought of rolling around in the grass, sitting in the sunshine, staring at the clouds and rainbows and eating ice cream sandwiches on a hot day. Laughing and giggling about what we see and clinging to that moment and dreaming of when it might happen again.
But life isn't a moment in time, a pastoral scene, a comforting thought. It's a cave and I'm blindly feeling my way through, with a little flashlight. Holding on to the hand of a friend, who's just as scared. It's a neverending corn maze.. We're just running though, sometimes alone, enjoying the challenge of getting a little farther along, the fun of meeting a new stranger, the rush that comes from getting lost and the smiles you have when you find your partner again. It's a country road that's not on the map, but is heading the direction we wanna go. Along the way we see all sorts of interesting things, make some memories. Roll the windows down and turn the music up. Just enjoy the journey cause there ain't no destination guaranteed except the grave.
It's the part that wasn't planned, but couldn't be passed up.
It's saying what needs to be said even when people don't wanna hear it.
But life isn't a moment in time, a pastoral scene, a comforting thought. It's a cave and I'm blindly feeling my way through, with a little flashlight. Holding on to the hand of a friend, who's just as scared. It's a neverending corn maze.. We're just running though, sometimes alone, enjoying the challenge of getting a little farther along, the fun of meeting a new stranger, the rush that comes from getting lost and the smiles you have when you find your partner again. It's a country road that's not on the map, but is heading the direction we wanna go. Along the way we see all sorts of interesting things, make some memories. Roll the windows down and turn the music up. Just enjoy the journey cause there ain't no destination guaranteed except the grave.
It's the part that wasn't planned, but couldn't be passed up.
It's saying what needs to be said even when people don't wanna hear it.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Part three, Act two
It's not really a first impression, though it is a bit like a first date. I was late, as usual, but it went well. I like it here. I think it's going to be a fun month.
Today I read this, and it rang true...
"New York is a place where a bunch of misfits in more conservative environments can finally feel free to be themselves. Just as I, she had always felt a bit like a fish out of water. Not so in New York. It’s home; a place where you can be an individual and not be looked at like you have three heads (except perhaps by tourists)."
I guess I realized I don't mind the looks anymore, or at least made me realize I shouldn't be afriad of them. I usually wear camo when I go out - size up the locals and blend in. Or if I want to be "different" I pick a stereotype they are familiar with. But today I went out in full southern hipster nerd attire: my custom fashion amalgem. I'm not really interested in blending in anymore. It's time to start attracting the type of people who like the "me" I like. Maybe this will make it a little easier. If nothing else, hopefully this silly exercise will help me to take what's on the inside and make me a little more comfortable bringing it to the outside.
Today I read this, and it rang true...
"New York is a place where a bunch of misfits in more conservative environments can finally feel free to be themselves. Just as I, she had always felt a bit like a fish out of water. Not so in New York. It’s home; a place where you can be an individual and not be looked at like you have three heads (except perhaps by tourists)."
I guess I realized I don't mind the looks anymore, or at least made me realize I shouldn't be afriad of them. I usually wear camo when I go out - size up the locals and blend in. Or if I want to be "different" I pick a stereotype they are familiar with. But today I went out in full southern hipster nerd attire: my custom fashion amalgem. I'm not really interested in blending in anymore. It's time to start attracting the type of people who like the "me" I like. Maybe this will make it a little easier. If nothing else, hopefully this silly exercise will help me to take what's on the inside and make me a little more comfortable bringing it to the outside.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Lettin' go
sittin' around thinkin' won't do much
so I'm gonna push it out of my head
forget
hope I can remember
if I need to, later
it's just that fallin' out
is easier than fallin' in
that's what scares me a little
but it's time to move on
to the coast
to a new city
well, new to me at least
its gotta lot of history
and I'll learn what I can
a place with pretty faces
and chipper dispositions
hello, Charleston
goodbye apparition
---
All that I am
is all I can give
but with our without you
my life I must live
so I'm gonna push it out of my head
forget
hope I can remember
if I need to, later
it's just that fallin' out
is easier than fallin' in
that's what scares me a little
but it's time to move on
to the coast
to a new city
well, new to me at least
its gotta lot of history
and I'll learn what I can
a place with pretty faces
and chipper dispositions
hello, Charleston
goodbye apparition
---
All that I am
is all I can give
but with our without you
my life I must live
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
When it all made sense
it was a piece of canvas
covered in paint
had a few holes in it
his friend wanted it
but he said he needed it
to wipe his brushes on
months later
sent it in the mail
to the same friend
now it's in a museum
now it's art
---
art used to be pictures of gods
then kings
then the rich
then just the beautiful
then ordinary, but still dramatic
now we put strings on the floor
I used to call it shit
but I get it
---
Looking through the viewfinder
the world looks different
the ordinary, ain't so ordinary
so I try to catch it
make the shutter flutter
my heart races
and my face smiles
I'm in the moment
here.present.now
why people like actin'
playin' sports
playin' music
debatin'
cause they're "in the zone"
they livin'
not thinkin'
the past don't matter
no time to worry about the future
too much going on right now
The sun creeps over the horizon
as I creep in the back door and into bed
a long night
to match a long day
---
Grandma turned 82 today
so we went out for BBQ
I ate too much
but that's what usually happens at buffets
good to see the family
---
then coffee to talk
about a topic we never broached
"we'll talk when I'm ready"
just lots of chatter
and lots of jitter from the 4 cups I had
a kiss, sort of, and some big hugs
---
then to see my shrink, another friend
who told me I ain't that bad
and all these boxes are tidy
but more seductive than practical
I got empathy, she says
I know how people would feel
if I were mean, if I were rude
it's sympathy that I was asking about
and that's all relative
ain't nothin' wrong with me
---
then dinner with Cat
and her Dad
who I like a lot
just a good ole' boy
we had chicken
and some apple pie
but my belly was full when I got there
I came to fill my head
and maybe my heart
I told myself I was gonna listen
and I did
but I still find myself talkin'
I got so much to say
and I'm so clumsy with words sometimes
I'm always talkin' around it, talkin' about it
but never "it"
well sometimes, I always try to
just ain't an easy thing to do
to put it in a sentence
---
saved in my phone as
"Jen - tall blonde - Bar None"
she said she had a boyfriend
but that didn't stop her
just talking
said he would be mad
but that didn't stop her
a kiss
as I said goodbye
she said goodbye
to him
so she could share her number
with me
I was flattered
but these things sure do make me wonder
'cause I always see myself on the other side
maybe I do have empathy after all
and maybe it's sympathy I'm lookin' for
as I creep in the back door and into bed
a long night
to match a long day
---
Grandma turned 82 today
so we went out for BBQ
I ate too much
but that's what usually happens at buffets
good to see the family
---
then coffee to talk
about a topic we never broached
"we'll talk when I'm ready"
just lots of chatter
and lots of jitter from the 4 cups I had
a kiss, sort of, and some big hugs
---
then to see my shrink, another friend
who told me I ain't that bad
and all these boxes are tidy
but more seductive than practical
I got empathy, she says
I know how people would feel
if I were mean, if I were rude
it's sympathy that I was asking about
and that's all relative
ain't nothin' wrong with me
---
then dinner with Cat
and her Dad
who I like a lot
just a good ole' boy
we had chicken
and some apple pie
but my belly was full when I got there
I came to fill my head
and maybe my heart
I told myself I was gonna listen
and I did
but I still find myself talkin'
I got so much to say
and I'm so clumsy with words sometimes
I'm always talkin' around it, talkin' about it
but never "it"
well sometimes, I always try to
just ain't an easy thing to do
to put it in a sentence
---
saved in my phone as
"Jen - tall blonde - Bar None"
she said she had a boyfriend
but that didn't stop her
just talking
said he would be mad
but that didn't stop her
a kiss
as I said goodbye
she said goodbye
to him
so she could share her number
with me
I was flattered
but these things sure do make me wonder
'cause I always see myself on the other side
maybe I do have empathy after all
and maybe it's sympathy I'm lookin' for
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
I'm 25, but I forget sometimes
and I don't think anyone would know
unless I told them
I swam in a kiddie pool today
with Daisy and Drew
held my head underwater
splashed around
I got drunk in Charleston last week
and decided to be a kid then too
so I played in the fountain
and splashed some strangers
one of which, didn't find it funny
so she hid my shoes
and threw my glasses in my bushes
and hurt my feelings
I didn't know why she was being mean
it wasn't until the morning
when my mind was clear
that I realized people don't take kindly
to being splashed by strangers
once they grow up
and I don't think anyone would know
unless I told them
I swam in a kiddie pool today
with Daisy and Drew
held my head underwater
splashed around
I got drunk in Charleston last week
and decided to be a kid then too
so I played in the fountain
and splashed some strangers
one of which, didn't find it funny
so she hid my shoes
and threw my glasses in my bushes
and hurt my feelings
I didn't know why she was being mean
it wasn't until the morning
when my mind was clear
that I realized people don't take kindly
to being splashed by strangers
once they grow up
Jody seems down, but he said he ain't sad
just can't get excited about anything, anymore
told him that's what depression is
when you don't see the point in life
wonder if his heart is broken too
I think it is, even if he won't say
for all it's joy, love causes so much pain
his girl did him wrong
went off with another guy behind his back
still sends him messages on facebook, late night texts
wonder if she's fucking with his head
or just torn
either way, he says he's moved on
but he's still stuck in something
sounds like she is too
what a mess
I remember she knocked 3 of his teeth out
when they were skipping rocks
he got that fixed
now she stole his smile
---
Robbie's got his heart cut too
his girl slept with another guy
he said, she said, she was "depressed"
he said to hell with it
went a bought a truck
with the money he was saving for her ring
says he's driving that diamond now
They haven't spoken since
but she did tell him it was a nice truck
he said "thanks"
wonder if she know
what he's really driving
maybe he needs a truck to carry that load
---
3 guys, sittin' around
watching a movie
about a gay man
falling in love
with another
"I love you Philip Morris"
just can't get excited about anything, anymore
told him that's what depression is
when you don't see the point in life
wonder if his heart is broken too
I think it is, even if he won't say
for all it's joy, love causes so much pain
his girl did him wrong
went off with another guy behind his back
still sends him messages on facebook, late night texts
wonder if she's fucking with his head
or just torn
either way, he says he's moved on
but he's still stuck in something
sounds like she is too
what a mess
I remember she knocked 3 of his teeth out
when they were skipping rocks
he got that fixed
now she stole his smile
---
Robbie's got his heart cut too
his girl slept with another guy
he said, she said, she was "depressed"
he said to hell with it
went a bought a truck
with the money he was saving for her ring
says he's driving that diamond now
They haven't spoken since
but she did tell him it was a nice truck
he said "thanks"
wonder if she know
what he's really driving
maybe he needs a truck to carry that load
---
3 guys, sittin' around
watching a movie
about a gay man
falling in love
with another
"I love you Philip Morris"
Monday, June 21, 2010
I've got a hundred acres of corn
just across the road
Three fishin' holes in the back yard
goats around the corner
and chickens the other way
where does that put me?
right in the middle of country
right where I grew up
---
Picking fresh plums
Apples later this fall
trading tomatoes for corn, with Uncle Sonny
Figs are my favorite
So I just planted a tree
I'm gonna plant a lot more too
I want an orchard
among other things
I'm gonna make it a paradise here
I want livestock again
Granny does too, but for different reasons
they keep the trees trimmed and the grass cut
Daisy wants a horse
but I don't know anything about them
but we'll see
---
I like using the chainsaw
and riding down dirt roads
starting big fires
all the things you can't do in the city
all the things people make fun of
---
People talk different out here
that ain't no secret
but I never let myself do it
I still spoke the same language
had the same twang
but it was never mine
but now I don't have any of it
besides a slur and a drawl
I been away too long
but I still know what every word means
I finally see the beauty in it all
but it's gonna be gone soon
everything in the country is
but now that that things have slowed down
and its ok to be poor again
things do seem to be goin' back to normal
people have gardens
patience
know their neighbors
maybe we'll hold out
---
I come home and rest
sleep more than I should
Eat more than I should
Mama still treats me like a baby
bakes for me
cooks all the good stuff
will do my laundry when I'm not looking
I finally started talking to her too
telling her how I felt about dad
what she thought the reasons were
why I went to NYC
how I have been down
and what's up
asked her why she spoiled me
Said she thought she didn't
thought she spoiled my brother more
cause they didn't have anything then
they were poor
they used to live in a trailer
I lived the good life
I grew up in a real house
I already knew that though
but I guess she wanted to hear
it wasn't her fault
that David didn't have the same life
just across the road
Three fishin' holes in the back yard
goats around the corner
and chickens the other way
where does that put me?
right in the middle of country
right where I grew up
---
Picking fresh plums
Apples later this fall
trading tomatoes for corn, with Uncle Sonny
Figs are my favorite
So I just planted a tree
I'm gonna plant a lot more too
I want an orchard
among other things
I'm gonna make it a paradise here
I want livestock again
Granny does too, but for different reasons
they keep the trees trimmed and the grass cut
Daisy wants a horse
but I don't know anything about them
but we'll see
---
I like using the chainsaw
and riding down dirt roads
starting big fires
all the things you can't do in the city
all the things people make fun of
---
People talk different out here
that ain't no secret
but I never let myself do it
I still spoke the same language
had the same twang
but it was never mine
but now I don't have any of it
besides a slur and a drawl
I been away too long
but I still know what every word means
I finally see the beauty in it all
but it's gonna be gone soon
everything in the country is
but now that that things have slowed down
and its ok to be poor again
things do seem to be goin' back to normal
people have gardens
patience
know their neighbors
maybe we'll hold out
---
I come home and rest
sleep more than I should
Eat more than I should
Mama still treats me like a baby
bakes for me
cooks all the good stuff
will do my laundry when I'm not looking
I finally started talking to her too
telling her how I felt about dad
what she thought the reasons were
why I went to NYC
how I have been down
and what's up
asked her why she spoiled me
Said she thought she didn't
thought she spoiled my brother more
cause they didn't have anything then
they were poor
they used to live in a trailer
I lived the good life
I grew up in a real house
I already knew that though
but I guess she wanted to hear
it wasn't her fault
that David didn't have the same life
Hubris, before the fall
I am not who I pretend I am
I am unemployed right now
I live off of unemployment checks
I told my girlfriend goodbye
because I wanted her to change
but in the end I was the one who was dumped
because I was mean to her
I couldn't see her needs
I couldn't see what she wanted
She formed another relationship
and then lied to me about it
I felt liked a loser
but I can't get mad
because I did the same thing
I was really depressed for about 6 months
I acted really angry
and I guess I was, because I had lost control
but I was sad more than anything
confused too
I cried a lot
I stayed in bed all day for a long time
Then, I think I went crazy
manic is a better word
trying to forget
trying to prove something
one last shot to hold on
but I had to let go
I was breaking
crumbling
at least my image was
and for the first time
I remembered when I built my shell
and what caused it
and now, just as I think I am becoming a man
I have to go back to being a little guy
and start all over
I am unemployed right now
I live off of unemployment checks
I told my girlfriend goodbye
because I wanted her to change
but in the end I was the one who was dumped
because I was mean to her
I couldn't see her needs
I couldn't see what she wanted
She formed another relationship
and then lied to me about it
I felt liked a loser
but I can't get mad
because I did the same thing
I was really depressed for about 6 months
I acted really angry
and I guess I was, because I had lost control
but I was sad more than anything
confused too
I cried a lot
I stayed in bed all day for a long time
Then, I think I went crazy
manic is a better word
trying to forget
trying to prove something
one last shot to hold on
but I had to let go
I was breaking
crumbling
at least my image was
and for the first time
I remembered when I built my shell
and what caused it
and now, just as I think I am becoming a man
I have to go back to being a little guy
and start all over
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
another label from my phychiatrist friend
sadly, it sums me up well
manic episodes, father issues and all
it doesn't seem special though
it just means I am a dick
and have company
people who got hurt early in life
and had to either go with what they were told
or forge a confidence in themselves
so strong even reality couldn't crack it
I guess that's what this has all been about
admitting I have problems
that I lacked empathy
had an ego with it's own gravitational pull
I don't like this though
hurting people
the arrogance
it's just that mediocrity scares me
and I'm not sure how to face it
I am not used to seeing myself like that
broken
imperfect
another label from my phychiatrist friend
sadly, it sums me up well
manic episodes, father issues and all
it doesn't seem special though
it just means I am a dick
and have company
people who got hurt early in life
and had to either go with what they were told
or forge a confidence in themselves
so strong even reality couldn't crack it
I guess that's what this has all been about
admitting I have problems
that I lacked empathy
had an ego with it's own gravitational pull
I don't like this though
hurting people
the arrogance
it's just that mediocrity scares me
and I'm not sure how to face it
I am not used to seeing myself like that
broken
imperfect
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Her mama snapped at her, go clean this up
Her mama loves her, and she knew it
and it might have been no big deal
if she hadn't seen how her mama was
with her brother
A bigger smile
A softer touch
A little more generous with the praise
and a little less harsh with the scorn
It just wasn't the same
and she knew it
Daddy wasn't this way though
yes, he liked his son more too
cause he could play football
but he never treated 'em any different
and she loved him for it
She loves me for it
She knows I know her secret
that's why I am her favorite uncle
even if I am her only uncle
I told her I had to talk with my daddy
and she should talk with her mama
and not let it eat at her forever
I told her she was special
and she just smiled
and looked a little embarrassed
I told her I loved her
Her mama loves her, and she knew it
and it might have been no big deal
if she hadn't seen how her mama was
with her brother
A bigger smile
A softer touch
A little more generous with the praise
and a little less harsh with the scorn
It just wasn't the same
and she knew it
Daddy wasn't this way though
yes, he liked his son more too
cause he could play football
but he never treated 'em any different
and she loved him for it
She loves me for it
She knows I know her secret
that's why I am her favorite uncle
even if I am her only uncle
I told her I had to talk with my daddy
and she should talk with her mama
and not let it eat at her forever
I told her she was special
and she just smiled
and looked a little embarrassed
I told her I loved her
We talked
He said he was old and tired
that he didn't mean to
shit just happens
land was sold
house was sold
couldn't hunt around here no more
cause of the deer
used to not be any
but then the government brought 'em back
people didn't want you on their land no more
so no more bird hunting
fuckin' deer, didn't seem happy 'about 'em
I didn't like shrimping
I quit baseball and he didn't care
about golf or band
plus he didn't like the way I talked back
and I didn't like the way he talked down
said we grew up in different times
He said he was a dad
I said I was a person
we didn't know how to talk to each other
either way I ain't a kid no more
so told him what he said and how it hurt
He said didn't mean it that way
not even close
didn't know it was that simple
something a talk could fix
gone work on bein' a "better communicator"
that he didn't mean to
shit just happens
land was sold
house was sold
couldn't hunt around here no more
cause of the deer
used to not be any
but then the government brought 'em back
people didn't want you on their land no more
so no more bird hunting
fuckin' deer, didn't seem happy 'about 'em
I didn't like shrimping
I quit baseball and he didn't care
about golf or band
plus he didn't like the way I talked back
and I didn't like the way he talked down
said we grew up in different times
He said he was a dad
I said I was a person
we didn't know how to talk to each other
either way I ain't a kid no more
so told him what he said and how it hurt
He said didn't mean it that way
not even close
didn't know it was that simple
something a talk could fix
gone work on bein' a "better communicator"
Friday, June 18, 2010
Daddy
Little books about kids livin by the tracks
I read every single one
I liked the idea of running away
and finding a family
happy and safe, with nice people
I knew it was true, mama showed me that, and I was gonna find it for myself
I've had my bag packed since I was 6
got out at 16
I said I wanted to learn
and I guess that wasn't a lie
But that wasn't the reason
I was ready for a new home
we used to have one
but daddy wasn't one anymore
so David ran away
and I was stuck
he used to make me scratch his back at night if I said I was scared and wanted to sleep in his bed
He'd scratch mine too though
he's a good brother
----
I didn't notice they stopped
but what happened to the ski trips
going to the lake
shrimping in beaufort
camping out at Black Creek
all he does now is sit at home and drink
I wonder what happened to his friends
he used to have a best one
but then that man's little girl died
and he started going to church
daddy don't care for church
I wonder if that's why they ain't friends anymore
I wonder if that's why he's so mad
just a man who lost his best friend
he used to be the coolest guy in school
that's what the people around here tell me
you'd never know that now
---
I read every single one
I liked the idea of running away
and finding a family
happy and safe, with nice people
I knew it was true, mama showed me that, and I was gonna find it for myself
I've had my bag packed since I was 6
got out at 16
I said I wanted to learn
and I guess that wasn't a lie
But that wasn't the reason
I was ready for a new home
we used to have one
but daddy wasn't one anymore
so David ran away
and I was stuck
he used to make me scratch his back at night if I said I was scared and wanted to sleep in his bed
He'd scratch mine too though
he's a good brother
----
I didn't notice they stopped
but what happened to the ski trips
going to the lake
shrimping in beaufort
camping out at Black Creek
all he does now is sit at home and drink
I wonder what happened to his friends
he used to have a best one
but then that man's little girl died
and he started going to church
daddy don't care for church
I wonder if that's why they ain't friends anymore
I wonder if that's why he's so mad
just a man who lost his best friend
he used to be the coolest guy in school
that's what the people around here tell me
you'd never know that now
---
Can I help you?
I might be sensitive to others needs (common sense is a good guide here), I might be good at seeing how someone feels (faces don't lie), but sometimes I don't have a clue what some people want. I blame myself because I get so caught up in my own head, but I also wonder why a lot of the people I surround myself with seem to have such a hard time articulating what it is they want. Embarrassment? Fear? Guilt? Shame? for having whatever feeling it is they have or thing they want? Sometimes I feel like it comes to the point of them feeling I let them walk all over them before they finally speak up.
Then, once they are at the breaking point, they just take things out of context and twist them into something they aren't to justify how they have been feeling over the period in question. Recently I've tried to do a better job of expressing gratitude along the way but even that doesn't even seem to help. Even directly saying "hey, is something wrong? is there anything I can do?" won't elicit the direction I need. The basic response is always "Oh I'm fine. Don't worry about it." Even then, if I keep trying and tell them I really mean it and want to help, most of the time it won't draw out an explanation. I'll need to try/read/ask/think about this one some more, but I wish the people in my life I care about would make it easier for me to help them...
Then, once they are at the breaking point, they just take things out of context and twist them into something they aren't to justify how they have been feeling over the period in question. Recently I've tried to do a better job of expressing gratitude along the way but even that doesn't even seem to help. Even directly saying "hey, is something wrong? is there anything I can do?" won't elicit the direction I need. The basic response is always "Oh I'm fine. Don't worry about it." Even then, if I keep trying and tell them I really mean it and want to help, most of the time it won't draw out an explanation. I'll need to try/read/ask/think about this one some more, but I wish the people in my life I care about would make it easier for me to help them...
Thursday, June 17, 2010
I've always been a little peculiar
my parents let me do my own thing
keeping appearances don't matter too much,
in the country
but I knew their wishes
so I checked off every single one
except for a wife and kids
and I'll probably do that too, one day
but I got some places to see and thangs to do first
----
a thousand miles used to seem like a long way
but it ain't
it's only two and a half tanks of gas
it ain't cheap though
not no more
----
windows down
music up
shades on
shirt off
New England ain't used to that
they gimme strange looks, and shake their head
I hope they saw my license plate
'cause then they think they know
just another one of them
but they don't, and I ain't, and neither are they
Carolina just smiles and nods, just like me
they know how it is
too damn hot for all this pretense
too damn hot to be bullshittin'
---
28,000 miles since I started this journey
I could've gone around the whole world
and then gone on another trip to California
but I'd rather circle round where I'm from instead
see some friends, learn to love my home
that's what drivin' taught me
but that's why I left
so I'd know I wanted to stay
----
it all started out real nice
car was shiny
everything was all packed up, nice and neat
but now I got mud on my tires
scratches on my paint
dirty laundry all over my floorboard
car smells a little funny too
my AC don't even work
but I like it like that
sweat a little
if it's hot outside i wanna know
be thankful for the sunset
feel the wind through my fingers, my hair
get a little wet when it rains
---
last night I put my boat in the water
and then I went to sleep
a park ranger woke me up
said someone thought I was dead
but I ain't
I'm finally livin' again
my parents let me do my own thing
keeping appearances don't matter too much,
in the country
but I knew their wishes
so I checked off every single one
except for a wife and kids
and I'll probably do that too, one day
but I got some places to see and thangs to do first
----
a thousand miles used to seem like a long way
but it ain't
it's only two and a half tanks of gas
it ain't cheap though
not no more
----
windows down
music up
shades on
shirt off
New England ain't used to that
they gimme strange looks, and shake their head
I hope they saw my license plate
'cause then they think they know
just another one of them
but they don't, and I ain't, and neither are they
Carolina just smiles and nods, just like me
they know how it is
too damn hot for all this pretense
too damn hot to be bullshittin'
---
28,000 miles since I started this journey
I could've gone around the whole world
and then gone on another trip to California
but I'd rather circle round where I'm from instead
see some friends, learn to love my home
that's what drivin' taught me
but that's why I left
so I'd know I wanted to stay
----
it all started out real nice
car was shiny
everything was all packed up, nice and neat
but now I got mud on my tires
scratches on my paint
dirty laundry all over my floorboard
car smells a little funny too
my AC don't even work
but I like it like that
sweat a little
if it's hot outside i wanna know
be thankful for the sunset
feel the wind through my fingers, my hair
get a little wet when it rains
---
last night I put my boat in the water
and then I went to sleep
a park ranger woke me up
said someone thought I was dead
but I ain't
I'm finally livin' again
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
A lot has changed...
Three months ago I started writing on this blog again and ended my first post with a wish. I think it came true.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Vagabond, for a season
Starlight makes its way past the treetops
the storm has passed, but raindrops still fall from leaves
branches crack among a chorus of crickets
I lie here tense, trying to sort out the noises
nature is not what scares me, it's the stranger
but there are none. I am alone
This is the dream of my childhood
drive and drive, then park where I fancy
tonight a forest
I venture off one forgotten road onto another
I make a home, a place to rest
the storm has passed, but raindrops still fall from leaves
branches crack among a chorus of crickets
I lie here tense, trying to sort out the noises
nature is not what scares me, it's the stranger
but there are none. I am alone
This is the dream of my childhood
drive and drive, then park where I fancy
tonight a forest
I venture off one forgotten road onto another
I make a home, a place to rest
Monday, June 14, 2010
I feel like Dr. Phil
I keep having all of these revelations only to realize that they have already been summed up in a sentence and repeated to me a thousand times.
The reason no one was ever good enough was because I wasn't good enough for myself. I wanted to be something I wasn't. Or maybe a little more precisely I wasn't willing to see the side of me I didn't want to be there. As long as I was trying to mold myself into something I wasn't, I was definitely going to keep doing the same to those close to me. I was never going to be happy with who they were until I was ok with who I was.
That's what love is all about. Accepting things for what they are. People are going to hurt you. People are going to disappoint you. I will do the same to others.
Anyway I say that only to mention I finally see the wisdom in the old saying
"You can't love someone else until you love yourself."
I think Sarte hits a little closer to the truth when he said "You do not judge the people you love."
The reason no one was ever good enough was because I wasn't good enough for myself. I wanted to be something I wasn't. Or maybe a little more precisely I wasn't willing to see the side of me I didn't want to be there. As long as I was trying to mold myself into something I wasn't, I was definitely going to keep doing the same to those close to me. I was never going to be happy with who they were until I was ok with who I was.
That's what love is all about. Accepting things for what they are. People are going to hurt you. People are going to disappoint you. I will do the same to others.
Anyway I say that only to mention I finally see the wisdom in the old saying
"You can't love someone else until you love yourself."
I think Sarte hits a little closer to the truth when he said "You do not judge the people you love."
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Punctuality is a state of mind
I was on time, but I only caught your benediction.... but that was enough for today. You said the Sabbath was about being here. now. Present.
---
I stayed late to admire the sanctuary. I found myself in the midst of a memorial service for Shirley Karr Mecklin (1920-2010). I decided to stay. I wanted a glimpse of her life. I wanted to find joy in the life of this stranger, to discover the spark she had left with those around her.
I found it.
---
His hand shook. It was probably from stress or too much coffee or maybe some illness. But I told myself it was because he had let himself be overwhelmed by life on a regular basis. My hand does not shake, but my heart flutters, it trembles. I now know why.
---
Before, life distracted me from my own thoughts, now I see that was the point. Lately, I see beauty everywhere I look. I have reentered childhood for a second time. Maybe this is what being born again is really about.
I see differently. I feel differently.
I listen differently.
Astonishment is no longer a rarity.
---
Black waters in the gulf
a veiled sea, a dense canopy
Darkness reaches untouched shores
Though the well has been sealed
It's shadow will linger
Black waters in my soul
---
She says she has distanced herself from her mother, but I wonder if she has distanced herself from the dreams of her mother.
---
I tried to see you free, but I failed to see that I couldn't do that by controlling you. You were just going to end up trading one set of chains for another.
---
I hope you understood
---
I stayed late to admire the sanctuary. I found myself in the midst of a memorial service for Shirley Karr Mecklin (1920-2010). I decided to stay. I wanted a glimpse of her life. I wanted to find joy in the life of this stranger, to discover the spark she had left with those around her.
I found it.
---
His hand shook. It was probably from stress or too much coffee or maybe some illness. But I told myself it was because he had let himself be overwhelmed by life on a regular basis. My hand does not shake, but my heart flutters, it trembles. I now know why.
---
Before, life distracted me from my own thoughts, now I see that was the point. Lately, I see beauty everywhere I look. I have reentered childhood for a second time. Maybe this is what being born again is really about.
I see differently. I feel differently.
I listen differently.
Astonishment is no longer a rarity.
---
Black waters in the gulf
a veiled sea, a dense canopy
Darkness reaches untouched shores
Though the well has been sealed
It's shadow will linger
Black waters in my soul
---
She says she has distanced herself from her mother, but I wonder if she has distanced herself from the dreams of her mother.
---
I tried to see you free, but I failed to see that I couldn't do that by controlling you. You were just going to end up trading one set of chains for another.
---
I hope you understood
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Reflections
I've been trying really hard over the past few months to let her know how I felt but I couldn't get past my own anger, jealously, insecurity and sense of control. I probably should have listened to her own advice and just given both of us some space, but I was just really worried about losing touch in the process.
My trip to NYC had two purposes. I didn't waste any time on the first one. I wanted to look in her eyes and see what was there. To see if she felt disgust, ambivalence, or still had the same excitement she always had. My logical mind (and my friends and her on the phone) said she had moved on. But something inside me said otherwise. Something told me that the things I had done had bruised her spirit so badly that she was afraid of opening up again for fear of another blow straight to the heart - but that the feelings were still there. I can't be sure, but I would bet everything I own, that in the moment that she saw me, she was as happy as she had been in a long time. I felt her eyes spoke what her lips could not.
And as much as I expected her to be when I looked back and saw her in his car, she wasn't creeped out once she realized it was me. She genuinely seemed happy to see me. That's why she came running over to my car with a huge smile on her face, with a sparkle in her eye, and a little quiver in her lip. I kind of wanted her too look at me with disgust, or with the eyes of a stranger. It would have been so easy for me to walk away. I can give myself a thousand reasons why that should be the case... the distance, how I consantly reinvent myself, my disdain for mindless tradition, how rough I am around the edges, the fact it's impossible to know what a future with me would look like, the fact that I never opened up. But what I couldn't reconcile how she could feel that way and not fight for it.
The fact is, I was tired of saying goodbye. I didn't come up here this time with a return destination. I felt like we connected on some very raw level and as long as that is in a funk I was going to feel like something was wrong. I wanted to fix it. I don't know what fixing it means, but I wanted to try one last time.
Someone asked me why I cared and it didn't take long for me to realize what it was. The night before I was to meet her, I called my friend Cat and told her everything. When I was breaking down the pieces inside each of us, she said, as cheesy as it my sound, "I think you found your inner child." in that moment I remembered when I wrote about my little boy growing old with her little girl. Once I shed all of the other nonsense what really mattered was quite simple.
But things have a way of changing just as you see them as they are. Thursday night it seemed if nothing else mattered, the next day she called me to apologize even though I was the one imposing on her life. Two days later she pulled a 180 and stood me up when I was as nervous and vulnerable as a guy on his first real date. I felt like she drop kicked my inner child. I am not sure what happened. I must say I was quite surprised - I didn't know she had the capacity to knowingly hurt me, to put whatever she was clinging to before my feelings. That fact really opened my eyes. I don't know if her current boyfriend gave her an ultimatum, if her dad told her I was a creep, or if she decided a day with me was just going to remind her of what she thought she couldn't have. Maybe she is mad at me for messing up her best shot ever of getting the fairy tale dream her mom has fed her since childhood. I know she knows who I am and why I did It. It just seems like she is forcing herself to believe it's something else. She even called my surprise visit in January a "trick."
That being said, none of what I have said matters if she won't face it or talk about it. I can't force her to be my friend. I felt guilty for a long time after we broke up. I felt like I left her broken and alone ad by the time she let me know she had already decided to
push me away. As a result I really tried hard to make it up to her. Maybe I can't. Maybe I have and she won't believe it's true. Either way I finally feel like I have done all I can do. I feel at peace about this whole thing.
It's kind of funny how things happen though. I didn't think she had the power to let her mind control her heart. Then again I didn't think I could let my heart direct my mind.
My trip to NYC had two purposes. I didn't waste any time on the first one. I wanted to look in her eyes and see what was there. To see if she felt disgust, ambivalence, or still had the same excitement she always had. My logical mind (and my friends and her on the phone) said she had moved on. But something inside me said otherwise. Something told me that the things I had done had bruised her spirit so badly that she was afraid of opening up again for fear of another blow straight to the heart - but that the feelings were still there. I can't be sure, but I would bet everything I own, that in the moment that she saw me, she was as happy as she had been in a long time. I felt her eyes spoke what her lips could not.
And as much as I expected her to be when I looked back and saw her in his car, she wasn't creeped out once she realized it was me. She genuinely seemed happy to see me. That's why she came running over to my car with a huge smile on her face, with a sparkle in her eye, and a little quiver in her lip. I kind of wanted her too look at me with disgust, or with the eyes of a stranger. It would have been so easy for me to walk away. I can give myself a thousand reasons why that should be the case... the distance, how I consantly reinvent myself, my disdain for mindless tradition, how rough I am around the edges, the fact it's impossible to know what a future with me would look like, the fact that I never opened up. But what I couldn't reconcile how she could feel that way and not fight for it.
The fact is, I was tired of saying goodbye. I didn't come up here this time with a return destination. I felt like we connected on some very raw level and as long as that is in a funk I was going to feel like something was wrong. I wanted to fix it. I don't know what fixing it means, but I wanted to try one last time.
Someone asked me why I cared and it didn't take long for me to realize what it was. The night before I was to meet her, I called my friend Cat and told her everything. When I was breaking down the pieces inside each of us, she said, as cheesy as it my sound, "I think you found your inner child." in that moment I remembered when I wrote about my little boy growing old with her little girl. Once I shed all of the other nonsense what really mattered was quite simple.
But things have a way of changing just as you see them as they are. Thursday night it seemed if nothing else mattered, the next day she called me to apologize even though I was the one imposing on her life. Two days later she pulled a 180 and stood me up when I was as nervous and vulnerable as a guy on his first real date. I felt like she drop kicked my inner child. I am not sure what happened. I must say I was quite surprised - I didn't know she had the capacity to knowingly hurt me, to put whatever she was clinging to before my feelings. That fact really opened my eyes. I don't know if her current boyfriend gave her an ultimatum, if her dad told her I was a creep, or if she decided a day with me was just going to remind her of what she thought she couldn't have. Maybe she is mad at me for messing up her best shot ever of getting the fairy tale dream her mom has fed her since childhood. I know she knows who I am and why I did It. It just seems like she is forcing herself to believe it's something else. She even called my surprise visit in January a "trick."
That being said, none of what I have said matters if she won't face it or talk about it. I can't force her to be my friend. I felt guilty for a long time after we broke up. I felt like I left her broken and alone ad by the time she let me know she had already decided to
push me away. As a result I really tried hard to make it up to her. Maybe I can't. Maybe I have and she won't believe it's true. Either way I finally feel like I have done all I can do. I feel at peace about this whole thing.
It's kind of funny how things happen though. I didn't think she had the power to let her mind control her heart. Then again I didn't think I could let my heart direct my mind.
Friday, June 11, 2010
I was an insecure dick and didn't know it
I just saw a couple walking down the street. They both had on sweat shirts, tennis shoes, and athletic shorts. They looked cute together.
It made me think about something she told me a while back. It was our company Christmas party. I told her I didn't like the dress she picked out and I thought she should go with the another one. The fact is I didn't care what she wore. She could wear anything and look great. I did however care what my coworkers thought.
I didn't realize how much I let other's opinions of me direct what I do and choose not to do.
I guess that's what this year off has been about though - being comfortable in my own skin, happy with who I am. It took a while to start being honest with myself about what I really wanted. I was blind.
It made me think about something she told me a while back. It was our company Christmas party. I told her I didn't like the dress she picked out and I thought she should go with the another one. The fact is I didn't care what she wore. She could wear anything and look great. I did however care what my coworkers thought.
I didn't realize how much I let other's opinions of me direct what I do and choose not to do.
I guess that's what this year off has been about though - being comfortable in my own skin, happy with who I am. It took a while to start being honest with myself about what I really wanted. I was blind.
Reflecting Pool
At that moment I realized she had stood me up, was ignoring me or had forgotten because this was just another inconsequential event on her calendar. I knew which one it was and what it meant.
I went against the flow of the departing parishoners to the front of the sanctuary, all the while smiling and bidding good day to each new face. But I was hiding the sadness in my own eyes. It hurt and as I kneeled I knew I wasn't going to be able to hold back the tears any longer. They came like a summer shower. Intense. Drenching. I looked down and saw a small puddle on the floor. It startled me.
I'm not sure why, but I felt compelled to place the tip of my finger into it. Like a quill.
I picked up the card I had bought for her earlier that morning.
With the stroke of my finger I moistened the back of the envelope and sealed what she would not open. With that gesture I finally knew I had done all I could do.
It was not my choice to make.
I went against the flow of the departing parishoners to the front of the sanctuary, all the while smiling and bidding good day to each new face. But I was hiding the sadness in my own eyes. It hurt and as I kneeled I knew I wasn't going to be able to hold back the tears any longer. They came like a summer shower. Intense. Drenching. I looked down and saw a small puddle on the floor. It startled me.
I'm not sure why, but I felt compelled to place the tip of my finger into it. Like a quill.
I picked up the card I had bought for her earlier that morning.
With the stroke of my finger I moistened the back of the envelope and sealed what she would not open. With that gesture I finally knew I had done all I could do.
It was not my choice to make.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
A new way...
$8 shirt from thrift store..
+
$20 in alterations...
A year ago I would have scoffed at the idea of spending 2.5 times the cost of something to make it exactly what I wanted.
Today, I guess you could say on some trivial level, I am finally willing to do what it takes to make my dreams come
true.
+
$20 in alterations...
A year ago I would have scoffed at the idea of spending 2.5 times the cost of something to make it exactly what I wanted.
Today, I guess you could say on some trivial level, I am finally willing to do what it takes to make my dreams come
true.
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
End of the beginning
That was the title of the semon at church Sunday. I am not sure if it is prophetic.
I have done all of the things I want to do, but I still have one last thing I need to do before I bow out. I just have to find the words first. That might prove more difficult than I would like.
I also think I am going to write a book. I finally feel like I have something worth sharing with the world.
I have done all of the things I want to do, but I still have one last thing I need to do before I bow out. I just have to find the words first. That might prove more difficult than I would like.
I also think I am going to write a book. I finally feel like I have something worth sharing with the world.
Father and Son
I was driving through the hills of West Virginia. I'd heard this song dozens of times, but never once heard anything past the first line of the chorus. Well, it brought me to tears this time. I was finally at a point in my life where I could look at my parents for who they are, and not with idealized eyes. I could look at my self with those same eyes.
I had let go of a lot of things to get to this point. I'm not mad anymore when I get hurt. I can say "that hurt me" instead of "why the hell did you do that?" I can actually forgive people now. I've let go of this silly idea of perfection. I let go of my self image that didn't mesh with reality, and quit fighting/lying/chasing to maintain it.... and in the process began to accept myself and others for who they really are and not what I want them to be. Part of that was admitting how I really felt about things.
I'm 10 years younger than my brother and early on realized I was an accident. Dad did a ton more stuff for my brother than he did for me and I always felt like Dad was kind of done with being a dad when I came into the world. I never really got the attention I wanted from him. I guess that's why I always sought out praise from other people. And to be honest, that is one of the main reasons I did well in school. I wanted the praise of other people. I was good at being the "smart kid" (it was easy doing it in a poor ass school in rural SC) and could get all the attention from teachers I wanted. I loved being the teachers pet. I have always wanted him to be proud of me, but I had absolutely no clue how to do it. It wasn't until I got back from my trip across America that I felt like he was proud of me for the first time in my adult life.
My relationship with my father is a lot like the song below. I don't really come home that often because I don't have a good relationship with my parents. I love my mom to pieces, but I never even really let her in to the intimate details of my life. Dad just doesn't know how to talk about them. For instance, they have absolutely no clue what I have been going through for the past few months of my life. They just know Chris and I don't talk that much anymore and that I am visiting NYC. They have enough common sense to know part of my trip was about her, but that's all. I never told them what happened, how sad I was or what I have learned. The closest I came to opening up was showing up at the house a little mopey and asking for more hugs than usual.
It was more than just feeling unwanted by dad though. I had to admit to myself that for a period in my life I was abused. It feels strange to say that because I think the natural image that comes to mind is one of a dad punching his wife and kids, but it is all a continuum. He drank a lot during a few of my tween years and really lashed out at times when Mom was away at work. I remember I used to be so scared when she would leave to work nights if he was home drinking. He would yell and scream. He kicked in a door once. What's funny though is that I would never back down or let things die... Exactly the way I am today. I just stood there and fought back and made my point knowing what it would mean. It pissed him off so much, and often he would spank or hit me. Not out of love though, but out of anger. I had to run to Grandma's a few times because I didn't know what he would do. I never saw my Dad come to tears over anything except when he fought with me. It's only as I am writing this that it's probably because he regretted what he was doing and was sad he lost control and hurt his son. Maybe this song helped me to see it.
We have a lot of talking to do once I make it back to Carolina.
I had let go of a lot of things to get to this point. I'm not mad anymore when I get hurt. I can say "that hurt me" instead of "why the hell did you do that?" I can actually forgive people now. I've let go of this silly idea of perfection. I let go of my self image that didn't mesh with reality, and quit fighting/lying/chasing to maintain it.... and in the process began to accept myself and others for who they really are and not what I want them to be. Part of that was admitting how I really felt about things.
I'm 10 years younger than my brother and early on realized I was an accident. Dad did a ton more stuff for my brother than he did for me and I always felt like Dad was kind of done with being a dad when I came into the world. I never really got the attention I wanted from him. I guess that's why I always sought out praise from other people. And to be honest, that is one of the main reasons I did well in school. I wanted the praise of other people. I was good at being the "smart kid" (it was easy doing it in a poor ass school in rural SC) and could get all the attention from teachers I wanted. I loved being the teachers pet. I have always wanted him to be proud of me, but I had absolutely no clue how to do it. It wasn't until I got back from my trip across America that I felt like he was proud of me for the first time in my adult life.
My relationship with my father is a lot like the song below. I don't really come home that often because I don't have a good relationship with my parents. I love my mom to pieces, but I never even really let her in to the intimate details of my life. Dad just doesn't know how to talk about them. For instance, they have absolutely no clue what I have been going through for the past few months of my life. They just know Chris and I don't talk that much anymore and that I am visiting NYC. They have enough common sense to know part of my trip was about her, but that's all. I never told them what happened, how sad I was or what I have learned. The closest I came to opening up was showing up at the house a little mopey and asking for more hugs than usual.
It was more than just feeling unwanted by dad though. I had to admit to myself that for a period in my life I was abused. It feels strange to say that because I think the natural image that comes to mind is one of a dad punching his wife and kids, but it is all a continuum. He drank a lot during a few of my tween years and really lashed out at times when Mom was away at work. I remember I used to be so scared when she would leave to work nights if he was home drinking. He would yell and scream. He kicked in a door once. What's funny though is that I would never back down or let things die... Exactly the way I am today. I just stood there and fought back and made my point knowing what it would mean. It pissed him off so much, and often he would spank or hit me. Not out of love though, but out of anger. I had to run to Grandma's a few times because I didn't know what he would do. I never saw my Dad come to tears over anything except when he fought with me. It's only as I am writing this that it's probably because he regretted what he was doing and was sad he lost control and hurt his son. Maybe this song helped me to see it.
We have a lot of talking to do once I make it back to Carolina.
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
A friend sent me this article after I told him my summer plans. I thought it was a pretty cool read.
I hope there is a way to standardize the process yet still leave room for creativity. There is nothing wrong with a custom built home, but it is always going to be very labor intensive, which means you build it yourself slowly, you employ some sort of habitat for humanity style building, or you end up paying more (unless you can do what he has done, and find a few minimum wage workers).
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/03/garden/03recycle.html
I hope there is a way to standardize the process yet still leave room for creativity. There is nothing wrong with a custom built home, but it is always going to be very labor intensive, which means you build it yourself slowly, you employ some sort of habitat for humanity style building, or you end up paying more (unless you can do what he has done, and find a few minimum wage workers).
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/03/garden/03recycle.html
Monday, June 07, 2010
Relief
I've never been in a tornado, but I think we've all seen enough movies to know the scene when the storm is over and those who live step outside to take in the destruction. There is always a penetrating silence that saturates the survivors in that moment - an appreciation for the fragility of their own life and the raw power that just spared them.
I feel that way now.
Over the past two months and particularly the past 6 days I have essentially encouraged bulldozers to drive through my emotional living quarters and what they missed, I handled personally with a sledge hammer. Now i'm just sitting back on the sofa surrounded by blue skies and a cool breeze.
Now time to tackle the foundation.
When I was at Earthaven, we were sitting around the fire drinking and eventually the topic gravitated to what I enjoy talking about most... What gives your life meaning. I basically gave my spiel about the futility of it all. In the end when I was really honest about it I decided it was something new. All I really cared about was my mothers (and my nieces love).
I bring that up, because in the course of talking someone encouraged me, that if I had faith in what I really believed then I should be willing to forget it all. Drop everything I have ever held on to and build my life again from scratch. I had had the nagging feeling for sometime that I needed to run the equivalent of a disk defragmenter on my mind. I remember back in my "Freedom" class in college one guy talked about the time he climbed a mountain and felt as if he had simply pushed a reset button. I've wanted that feeling for sometime.
Anyway, I say that because it sounds like a worthy goal for the summer. I am not sure three months is enough time to undo all of the nonsense I have learned, but I am going to try.
I feel that way now.
Over the past two months and particularly the past 6 days I have essentially encouraged bulldozers to drive through my emotional living quarters and what they missed, I handled personally with a sledge hammer. Now i'm just sitting back on the sofa surrounded by blue skies and a cool breeze.
Now time to tackle the foundation.
When I was at Earthaven, we were sitting around the fire drinking and eventually the topic gravitated to what I enjoy talking about most... What gives your life meaning. I basically gave my spiel about the futility of it all. In the end when I was really honest about it I decided it was something new. All I really cared about was my mothers (and my nieces love).
I bring that up, because in the course of talking someone encouraged me, that if I had faith in what I really believed then I should be willing to forget it all. Drop everything I have ever held on to and build my life again from scratch. I had had the nagging feeling for sometime that I needed to run the equivalent of a disk defragmenter on my mind. I remember back in my "Freedom" class in college one guy talked about the time he climbed a mountain and felt as if he had simply pushed a reset button. I've wanted that feeling for sometime.
Anyway, I say that because it sounds like a worthy goal for the summer. I am not sure three months is enough time to undo all of the nonsense I have learned, but I am going to try.
Friday, June 04, 2010
Soundtrack for a moment...
For a smile they can share the night...
Their shadows searching in the night...
Hiding, somewhere in the night...
She ran, she smiled
he laughed and said "hey man"
with a smug look of satisfaction
as if he'd caught me being a loser
but all I could wonder was if he'd ever seen her like this
if he'd shared this moment
her bright eyes, sparkling
her quivering lip, slightly pursed, as if it was holding everything else in her face together
alive, happy
maybe I'm delusional
maybe it was pity
maybe I'm just projecting how I felt
happy to know what I thought was once dead
was not
Their shadows searching in the night...
Hiding, somewhere in the night...
She ran, she smiled
he laughed and said "hey man"
with a smug look of satisfaction
as if he'd caught me being a loser
but all I could wonder was if he'd ever seen her like this
if he'd shared this moment
her bright eyes, sparkling
her quivering lip, slightly pursed, as if it was holding everything else in her face together
alive, happy
maybe I'm delusional
maybe it was pity
maybe I'm just projecting how I felt
happy to know what I thought was once dead
was not
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
after a long ride
Seeing what you want and not being able to get it will piss you off.
-
Realizing what you want doesn't exist anymore will make you sad, but it will make you appreciate it... It's also a lot easier to let go of it.
-
The thought of me used to be able to make you smile, I wonder what happened.
-
Some people want to be loved for who they are. I want to be loved for what I may become, for the potential someone sees in me. Along those lines, I don't want that love to be attached to any promises or expectations because I don't believe people can honestly promise things decades in the future. I think people can "make it work," but that doesn't sound like something worthy of aspiration. I understand those first two sentences might sound a bit contradictory, but the "potential" I am trying to describe is something more fundamental. It's a basic trust in me as a human being. A simple faith in my ability to be a person worthy of another's love.
-
Sometimes things aren't right or wrong. Logical or illogical. They just are. The color of a bird, the shape of a cloud, what makes a person smile.
-
The person that gives you what you want will definitely make you happier in the short run than the person who gives you what you need. People seem to take a while to appreciate these things (ex parents)...
-
It's not that I don't care, I just care about far fewer things than the average person. Though I am guessing my concern for those issues is much deeper than people expect given my lack of deference for everything else. When you realize your own conception was an accident, it's hard to take many, far less important things very seriously.
-
I have thought for a very long time I am a selfish person. I'm starting to think this might not be true, at least on a relative basis. I have always measured my selflessness to what other people professed. Though when I look at what people actually do (which is a much better measure), I feel I might be too hard on myself.
-
I show love towards others in the same way my dad expressed his love towards me. I always thought he showed it too infrequently, and when he did there was too much left unsaid.
-
The pursuit of of the aforementioned affection has shaped my life much more than I have realized.
-
Realizing what you want doesn't exist anymore will make you sad, but it will make you appreciate it... It's also a lot easier to let go of it.
-
The thought of me used to be able to make you smile, I wonder what happened.
-
Some people want to be loved for who they are. I want to be loved for what I may become, for the potential someone sees in me. Along those lines, I don't want that love to be attached to any promises or expectations because I don't believe people can honestly promise things decades in the future. I think people can "make it work," but that doesn't sound like something worthy of aspiration. I understand those first two sentences might sound a bit contradictory, but the "potential" I am trying to describe is something more fundamental. It's a basic trust in me as a human being. A simple faith in my ability to be a person worthy of another's love.
-
Sometimes things aren't right or wrong. Logical or illogical. They just are. The color of a bird, the shape of a cloud, what makes a person smile.
-
The person that gives you what you want will definitely make you happier in the short run than the person who gives you what you need. People seem to take a while to appreciate these things (ex parents)...
-
It's not that I don't care, I just care about far fewer things than the average person. Though I am guessing my concern for those issues is much deeper than people expect given my lack of deference for everything else. When you realize your own conception was an accident, it's hard to take many, far less important things very seriously.
-
I have thought for a very long time I am a selfish person. I'm starting to think this might not be true, at least on a relative basis. I have always measured my selflessness to what other people professed. Though when I look at what people actually do (which is a much better measure), I feel I might be too hard on myself.
-
I show love towards others in the same way my dad expressed his love towards me. I always thought he showed it too infrequently, and when he did there was too much left unsaid.
-
The pursuit of of the aforementioned affection has shaped my life much more than I have realized.
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
Gettin' lucky in Kentucky
Chasing deer, watching lighting bugs light up a foggy meadow, rabbits, foxes...
The Ohio river, makes Abbey road
old friends, new friends, strangers on a plane
old city, new city, fires and floods
coffee and beer, shotgun the latter... Miller High life to be exact
trying to figure out what's next.... With a friend... Don't forget to bring one for Lunch
Life is good
Louisville ain't bad
The Ohio river, makes Abbey road
old friends, new friends, strangers on a plane
old city, new city, fires and floods
coffee and beer, shotgun the latter... Miller High life to be exact
trying to figure out what's next.... With a friend... Don't forget to bring one for Lunch
Life is good
Louisville ain't bad
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