if you said something besides
"I'm happy"
I think I could understand
if you said
"I don't love you anymore"
"I am in love with someone else"
and mean it
then I could walk away in peace
but you didn't
you didn't even feign the words
---
the fact is
you're doing eveything
I wish you'd of done while we were together
you made your mom give you some space
you're looking for a new job and a new place
you go out, have a life
found some more hobbies
your health is back to normal
not to mention the winter is over
don't mix up why you feel the way you do
blaming me for your unhappiness
makes about as much sense as blaming me
for your guilt
or your regrets
for why you still care,
for the fact that I can still shake you up
or why you're still looking at this blog,
weeks later
about as much sense
as me taking credit for you feeling good
they were your choices, not mine
---------------------
you called me delusional
but I didn't make up what I saw
what your eyes told me, what you said
I might have gone crazy for a little while...
but I didn't pull an emotional 180,
purposefully hurt a friend,
and then lie about what happened
---
I am disappointed in you
you're not the same person I thought you were
you got mad when I called you "weak"
but there is something in your character
I didn't see when we dated
maybe it's just self preservation
and you're just putting yourself first
and putting me under the bus
maybe it's just the fact that you are a person
and this is your humanity, your imperfection
your muddled mess
the side of you I called out when we first hung out
"you're not as tough as you act"
either way, I have been trying for too long
always giving you the benefit of the doubt
blaming myself, feeling guilty
trying to invent reasons
why you didn't mean this, didn't mean that
but I can't do that forever
After a while, I have to give up on what I thought
and simply believe what I see
even if I don't want to
---
I made mistakes too. I was angry.
I was hurt and didn't know how to admit it.
but I didn't run away.
Running away won't make you forget.
It won't make you feel any less guilty.
That's why I had to look deep inside
acknowledge things I didn't like
and try like hell to change them.
That's why I opened up
That's why I have been writing so much
That's why I got on the 4am train to Penn Station,
why I drove 1500 miles round trip
why I called and fought like hell
to make you see
that part of what you said was true,
but the other part couldn't be any farther from the truth.
It's why I don't say stuff like "I'm sorry it had to end this way"
and then go right ahead and do it anyway.
---
I know you're sorry.
I know you didn't want it to be this way.
I looked in your eyes and could see that.
But I can't figure out for the life of me
why you keep pushing me away,
pushing me out of your life.
Trying to just erase it,
or at least the memory of some part of it.
----
hopefully I did enough
to show you who I am
what I'm made of
that I was sorry
and that I really did care
and that I know how to love
that I loved ya
sorry you couldn't accept it
I wish you hadn't run away from it
all I needed was a friend
and I think you did too