Friday, December 16, 2011

I always say most of my life is satire and my friends have this running joke with me about it.... as if everything I do is charade. The truth is, most things are. The way I see the world, my values, and what I wish for the future couldn't be more removed from what most of the people around me want. (Though I can't decide if it's just a cop out because I don't want to sacrifice all the things I would have to give up [mainly a near single-minded devotion to my career) in order to attain the "economic/social" status that is available to me). I constantly find myself in the half-assed keeping-up-with-the-Jones' thing (though I do getting a giddy satisfaction out of doing these things for just a fraction of the cost - thrift stores, flea markets, craigslist auctions, unconventional executions) but it is really not a life I want for myself. I genuinely like working with my hands, using an axe, planting stuff, sweating, being in nature and attending to the needs of my basic survival. My only wish for humanity is that we could all see how silly all the things we spend our time on are just a distraction from what really matters - homeostasis, mental clarity and good human relationships. There is nothing inherently wrong with these other pursuits, but with 7 billion people all wanting to do them even the seemingly modest lifestyle I lead would destroy the planet in a matter of years if all of this planet's  inhabitant decided to do it at once. It's a selfish lifestyle. Plus, these other pursuits often serve as a distraction to three I listed above. We complicate things so much. We make ourselves unhappy in the process and end up miserable even though we have everything we could ever want. It's all rather sad and I am trying my best to make a slow exit.

As always Wikipedia is on point: "Materialism (adj. materialistic) is the excessive desire to consume and acquire material goods. It is often bound up with a value system which regards social status as being determined by affluence (see conspicuous consumption) as well as the perception that happiness can be increased through buying, spending and accumulating material wealth."

Monday, December 05, 2011

Sad songs make me smile sometimes
I guess I let the music do the feeling for me
cause numb is easy to deal with
and this medicine makes it effortless
I do try, I really do
but I have to just laugh at myself sometimes
I am totally, emotionally clueless
Ideas make me smile so much more
I am taking a break for a while
from feeling
from the meds
from people
Just going in the woods for a while
to sit
like a good little Buddhist
breathe a little easier


______


I am back off of the meds, and back to my old habits. I sat in bed all day Saturday just recooping from a few nights out. I needed to study, but I feel confident I can wing it. I feel less of the other emotions and feel my own again. The swirling thoughts, the constant ideas, the chatter. I missed it. It's like an old friend. I felt unfaithful. It's a different set of feelings. I feel like it is firework and sparks going off and an occasional mental equivalent of a cold winter wind. The annoying side effect is also gone. I feel my RAWRRR for life coming back though. My excitement, my fast talking, my passion, my eat shit grin. I really do like who I am even if it is more difficult for people to deal with me.

On the meds I felt the sort of powerful, overwhelming feelings I always read about in books and heard people talk about. They are nice, I am glad I experienced them, but I just have my own way of processing the world. I am used to it. I have been on the meds a month and I am going to take about that long off of them since I have a break from school. I think I can do finals without them. I didn't like feeling like someone had popped me in the head with a bat. I just sat there and smiled and nodded. It could certainly be good in some situations though.

I am a little emotionally detached after two awkward moments this past weekend with people I cared about and I just sort of turned everything off. I really don't care to think about it - I really don't know how I feel about it I just decided, for once, to not think about it. I did find I was able to control myself very well emotionally. I just kept saying - "it's not productive. I don't want to talk about it" - and I didn't. It put it behind me and don't really dwell on it. I am just leaning on my instinct/intuition a little more and not second guessing it and reevaluating it. I feel at peace with things, but it's a very different feeling than before. Playing with one's head is a strange business.

On more practical matters, I am studying, but distracted. I still get stuff done though. Procrastination isn't a terrible thing.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

I have been hanging out with my friend Liz lately and she went through a similar breakup as me, except she dated the guy for over 4 years. It was clear after talking to her that her lingering fear after that relationship was that she wouldn't ever matter to anyone. I guess that might be part of my hang up from my last relationship too. I haven't even considered the possibility that I don't matter to her anymore - that I could have been so close, tried so hard, revealed so much and then been reduced to an annoyance in her mind. I think it might have been too much bear a year or two ago, but I think now, even if it's not true, accepting that possibility will be good for the gradual process of ego dissolution I have been going through since leaving Bridgewater. 

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Things are always easier to hear when they come from your mama. I think that's because it's one of the few people (if you are fortunate enough to have a good one) on the planet that will almost always have your best interests at heart. Anyway, I made some comments on Facebook about not believing in "true love" (by this I meant the sort of "lose yourself" romance that is so widely talked about) and someone mentioned to my mom how they were surprised by these comments. She was telling me about it and said something along the lines of "Well, he's had his heart broken a few times and I think he is just a little reluctant to jump into things." It was very matter of fact, almost as if there was no doubt in her mind about what had happened. It wasn't judgmental or even defensive, it was just seemed like a logical conclusion for her. When I heard it, I almost wanted to defend myself but I just sat there quietly and took it in and let the conversation keep going. I guess my last relationship has left me a little skittish. That is probably the biggest change I have had from all of my relationships over the past few years (Vidthya being a notable exception). I am reluctant to jump in and "get serious," the girl gets worried and wants out, I feel justified and end up waiting even longer the next time around. It is a cycle that keeps exacerbating itself. Almost to the point that I don't even seriously consider the potential for a long term relationship at times. I think I do expect people to let me down, even if I have faith that someone won't. Even when I do trust people, I am still reluctant to invest in only them because I don't want to be in a position where, if they were to leave, I would be all alone. I really don't have that much faith in anyone. I keep myself guarded in that respect. It doesn't keep me from getting emotionally intimate (I have been able to be much more open with people lately about how I feel) but I can sense a deep desire from almost all women that I meet that they want me to depend on them in a way that I can't (at least immediately). In general, I feel like I am capable of this type of relationship, but I will definitely need someone who can be a little patient with me and not be so eager to jump headlong into things....

Thursday, November 10, 2011

One week later...

I have been noticing the subtle transformation going on in my head. It's as if someone simply turned down the volume on my inner dialogue. A voice once so loud it could drown out 80,000 screaming fans at a football game if I was, even for an instant, drawn into my own head. I could drown out even the biggest of sensory inputs and run down pathways in my mind. This medication stops all of that. I speak more slowly, I can carry on trivial conversations with others. I can get out of bed in the morning the first time my alarm goes off. I can go to sleep without feeling antsy about going to bed (as if I might miss something interesting). I am generally on (or close to being) on time without rushing. I can patiently do boring and tedious tasks without being antsy. I can express my thoughts with more organization (mainly because I have so few of them). I almost feel in a perpetually meditative state. Leveled off is probably a good word - not sad, not happy, just sticking to whatever I tell myself I need to do in a given day. I also don't have much interest at all in the opposite sex - its not as if I am disinterested - I just keep reminding myself I don't have time for it right now because I have school work to do - I guess this is what normal people do.

I walk to my car and I don't think anything at all. I just see trees, I feel my breathing, my cold feet. I see the people walking around campus and smile and nod. My brain is still. I take the world in like a poorly edited scene in some ordinary film. I wrote about this before when I was sick.

Part of me wonders how I managed to get anything done over the past 26 years, much less manage to graduate college and hold down a job (even if it didn't work out perfectly because of this very reason). The other part of me misses the ups and downs, the tangents I would wander off on, my perpetually new obsessions and curiosities and the speed at which I processed the world (I can TOTALLY relate to that guy - and he is not exaggerating on the three seconds). I am truly amazed at how much I was able to process in a minute, much less a day.

I think the medicine is doing exactly what it is billed to do and is great for the requirements of the modern world (job, family, school) but even though I don't have emotional responses to pretty much anything anymore, the idea does not appeal to me. I just see myself turning into everyone else. I like the idea of making the world my oyster. I look at myself in the mirror and see why people always told me they were amused by me and admired my energy. I look back at myself just a week ago and see some sort of novelty. I smile at that bewildered kid. I also don't see nearly as much joy or opportunity in the world. I feel less creative and insightful. Things that once excited me now seem bland (and I don't have confidence in my ability to do them - I don't have much of the grandiosity that I had before actually). I also notice I am much less critical of the world (I can patiently wait and listen - I don't find myself finishing people's sentences in my head either).  

I spent the first week sort of feeling like I'd had a pain killer or two beers but interestingly, yesterday I doubled my dose as scheduled and most of the negative side effects went away. I am going to stick on this medication for the remainder of the month and then take a month off over Christmas break to compare, but I did at least want to say that the results have been striking. 



Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Hi Mom

I have said for a long time that I want harmony more than anything else - that is to say I want all parts of my life in sync. That requires me to bring all of the important pieces of my life up to speed about who I am. Well, I just took one big step towards making that happen......

Saturday, November 05, 2011

Food tasted real again today. I started working in my yard again. Has it been two years since I let myself feel?

I'm not supposed to still care, and if I do, things are supposed to work out like a fairy tale right?

No. Things happen. People are separated. Some people will end up happier than others. She's a sweet girl. I wish her the best. 

Thursday, November 03, 2011

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

Aloneness

The psychiatrist that I went to for my ADHD meds said I should see the therapist after I mentioned I had been depressed for a year or so after my last relationship. She scheduled my first appointment and I had my first session two days ago. I was a little hesitant because I wasn't sure how much it would help and I wasn't sure I wanted to start talking about that again just because I wasn't sure 1) I would even be able to reasonably convey my thoughts within the allotted hour that we were meeting ad 2) I have over thought it so much I wasn't sure what else someone could add. Nonetheless, I went and tried my best to admit the things that I haven't wanted to verbalize to another human. I have really only been close enough to other girls in the past (who didn't want me to still like an old girlfriend) so I was never able to be 100% honest about he whole thing.

As usual I did most of the talking, but one thing she said was pretty helpful. I talked about how close I had felt and how I hadn't dated anyone for a long time before that and she said "it must have been hard to be that close to someone, to feel that level of acceptance and then lose it."

Yes it was.

I have been trying to get at the heart of it for a while - why that breakup bothered me so much. I had said a while back that I felt like I had been rejected by my mom when it was over, but never really reflected on what that meant. I think what I felt in that relationship was acceptance like I had never felt before. I knew my mom unconditionally loved me, but I never opened up to her like I did in that relationship. I was honest with Chris in ways that I hadn't been with anyone else. I showed her sides of me that I hadn't really shown anyone else. I was honest with her about my fears and my worries and hopes and dreams. I felt like she understood me and loved me for who I was (even in spite of the fact that I didn't show her the better, thoughtful, more sensitive side of me, (and a little scared too) which I only showed only towards the end when she pushed me away). I also thought in many ways she was a "better" person than me (by that I mean more sensitive to the needs of other - I have always felt a little self absorbed) and was just left with a ton of self doubt when it ended. Especially after trying harder than I had at anything else in my life and still failing. Not only did I feel the lack of intimacy (and have no one to share my thoughts with) I also felt like I had been rejected by the one person who knew me best.  I felt completely alone - and then proceeded to run like hell from it.

Well I have already learned one very valuable lesson from that. I have to accept myself - but this is only the first step.

After taking my Buddhism class, and reflecting on attachment, I have noticed that I am scared shitless of being alone. I think this is more primal than self acceptance. My life revolves around the company of others - even innane company. I surround myself with people - even people I might not even want to be around at times, just to not face being by myself. I tend to cover myself, almost like a blanket, with people. This is at the heart of why that breakup hurt so much and why I have been bouncing from half ass relationship to half ass relationship for the past year, why I am constantly downtown, why I don't live in the country among other things - it has shaped me more than I want to admit - how I present myself, and what I do. As much as I might have acknowledged I am different and an internally ok with my conclusions, I am often afraid to share them with others.  

I must face this head on.  I took a trip like this last year to get clarity on my spiritual views and it was incredibly helpful. It is now time to do that so I can be fully comfortable in my own skin.

I want to be able to smile at the world and not care if they don't smile back.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Gender Roles

We have to make weekly discussion board posts in my human development class and I thought this one was worth sharing:

_____

I found this to be one of the most interesting chapters in the book.

I think the socially placed gender roles (particularly prevelant in the South) have dramatically shaped my life more that I would have liked. Unfortunately I eschewed many traditional "female" activities at the expense of my own happiness (gardening, artistic endeavors, cooking). I think that there are some clear biological differences in the sexes (some are highlighted in the tragic and unfortunate case of David Reimer - here is an interesting documentary here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUTcwqR4Q4Y&feature=related) but the extent that we impose these views on children overreaches by any reasonable measure. I think it is also important to remember that in aggregate there may be differences between the sexes in terms of things like aggressiveness or verbal acuity, but the individual differences with in a given sex are so extreme that their utility marginal when applied to any to any single real person.

There is an interesting case in Toronto that I came across earlier this year. I posted it on Facebook and had a healthy discussion with several friends about it.

Parents Won't Reveal Gender of 4-Month-Old


I think gender roles are similar to childhood traditions like Santa and the Easter Bunny. I have long said I doubt I will teach my children to "believe" in Santa and the Easter Bunny because I think it does more harm than good to lie to children and have them believe things that are not real. This does not however mean that I cannot teach them about the stories or that they are prevented from enjoying them. They are important in popular culture and to ignore them would be a disservice. I think that in general gender roles might need to fall into this bucket too. Children should be free to enjoy the things they enjoy without any pressure from others. Unfortunately the world is cruel and will try to get them to conform. Hopefully they can still enjoy life in the face of these things.


Saturday, October 29, 2011

For every ailment under the sun
There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it;
If there be none, never mind it.

Friday, October 28, 2011

The "ADHD Personality": Its Cognitive, Biological, and Evolutionary Foundations

Basically the same conclusion I have come to as well... It's a disposition as much as it is a "disorder" and like and personality, you have to find out where you fit...

"The trick, for each person, is to find niches within their environment that play to their strengths rather than to their weaknesses. In general, people who are highly controlled are great in jobs that require lots of reflection and relatively little action, and people who are highly impulsive are great in jobs that require lots of action with relatively little time for reflection. This has nothing to do with degree of intelligence. You can be intelligent and impulsive, making terrific snap judgments; and you can also be intelligent and reflective, making good judgments after thinking things through very carefully."

Here is the original article.

I am a pretty textbook case, and it's interesting to see how my past has been pretty drastically altered by the common traits shared by others with ADHD. I think the awareness of this is most important part. One, so I understand myself and don't have to feel guilty about who I am and two, so I am able to warn people and they can better accommodate me and adjust their expectations for my behavior and what my known weaknesses are.

For instance, if someone had a friend with a bad knee and they wanted him to come along on some camping/hiking trip they would in some ways have to plan the trip around his ability to walk. I think this is similar. I am just not capable of doing some things that others can and I think the best approach is to work with what I am given because there are also some clear benefits to ADD that I enjoy (he highlights some in the article). I also consider these aspects to be essential to who I am - aversion to small talk, my periods of "hyperfocus", how quickly I let go of anger, how I am always searching for improvement, my high level of energy. They all have a negative aspect too, but I am ok with who I am (except for the part where I am sort with people I care about and how I have trouble having linear conversations.

I think the general point is that I should find a lifestyle that works with who I am and to use medication when necessary (say for boring tasks like studying or writing a long paper) but in general I think I would be fighting an unwinnable battle if I try to change my entire way of thinking/being simply to fit in.

Which is exactly why the put ADD "personality" in the title in quotation marks. The point was to draw attention to the fact that maybe it should treated like that instead of a full blown disease.

A love hate relationship with myself

Good book on ADHD and my reflections

I just started reading Attention Deficit Disorder: The Unfocused Mind in Children and Adults and it feels like therapy as I turn each page . I would certainly suggest it to anyone who wants to know more (it offers a good mix of personal accounts and a good account of the biochemical, neurological and cognitive aspects of the condition)... though I will say it's leaving me with a strange mix of emotions. I can't get over the conflicting thoughts of feeling broken, wanting to change and yet wanting to be able to "fix myself" on my own and being unable to do so without medication.I hadn't realized how many different areas of my life this condition has impacted. On a spiritual level if I start taking medication it means i many ways I am letting go of these distinctly American notions of individuality and admit that I am finally fully committing myself to "the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part." It also means I have a lot of explaining to do people in my past.

It's just so hard to read this book, look back at my life and many of my biggest problems, and see the similarities between my own life and the stories of those shared on each page. I see myself now and cannot help but look back to all the situations where I have been socially awkward, late, forgetful, antsy, hurt people I cared about, stressed myself out for no reason, and struggled in areas where I should't have had to. It just seems so improbable that they could all be tied to this single issue.

I still don't know if I will find a pharmacological or therapeutic solution to the issue either so I guess I m rather hesitant to throw my attention towards change rather than just accepting who I am and being more clear with others about the disconnect between my desires and actions and the level of understanding that is needed when bring my friend. I like me and would rather just find people who like me too rather than trying to do what I need to do fit in more easily with others and in the "professional" world.

That being said, the biggest appeal of the drugs is not increased academic or work performance. I don't think I would start them if that was the reason. After reading/talking/reflecting I feel like the potential for clarity in my thoughts is too appealing to pass up. My biggest desire has been to sedate my restless, wandering spirit and find lasting meaning and purpose. I want to be able to be happy with the situations I am in and with the people I have in my life. I want to be able to control my emotions and express myself clearly. I want to be able to set my mind to do things, think it through as far as I can without getting distracted, and then be satisfied with my decision.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Self Medicating

I have been doing some reading and reflecting on my own family history (putting my father's 2 pack a day smoking habit in context) and started researching the effect of nicotine (since most ADHD drugs are stimulants) and found some pretty compelling data.

I am pretty impressed with this little guy.

Below are excerpts from two VERY interesting articles on nicotine. The key points are below....

__________

"Behavior inhibition was significantly improved by nicotine compared with placebo in the HI group and impaired by mecamylamine in the CTRL group. Go signal reaction time on the stop signal task was improved by nicotine compared with placebo in the CTRL group and was unchanged in both groups on the choice reaction time test.

"Thus, self-administered nicotine induces a persistent amplification in the brain's sensitivity to rewarding stimuli, an action of nicotine that appears fundamentally different from the long-term actions of other drugs of abuse such as cocaine (Markou and Koob, 1991; Ahmed et al, 2002; Kenny et al, 2003) or heroin (Kenny, Chen, Markou, and Koob, unpublished observations) that usually results in long-term compensatory decreases in the activity of brain reward systems during the early abstinence period."

___________

Anyway... If the mechanism works the same way in humans I think this would explain why nicotine works so well for those with ADHD. Nicotine actually makes less interesting tasks bearable by reducing the reward sensitivity. It would also in part explain the reduction in impulsive behavior in people given they don't have to constantly seek things which will stimulate them.

In any case I have ordered some nicotine gum and plan to self-administer 4mg a day and closely monitory my results.


Keeping my fingers crossed....

Update: 6/27/2012
I tried this for one week, and noticed a very relaxing effect, but after seeing other smokers and hearing of withdrawal problems I decided I did not want to get hooked and quit self-administering.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Looking around the library, watching everyone else study, and feeling a little sad.

Everyone else is in groups and I am by myself. I have always done things this way and honestly I have never been able to get much help from group study other than keeping me motivated. I typically have trouble articulating my questions when I am confused and if I have just learned something I usually can't explain it very well and end up confusing everyone more than helping them.

I also wonder if my personality has made it difficult for others to want to be around me. I know as a child it was probably this way and I wonder if it still is or if I have just adapted to doing things by myself...

Googled some stuff, which didn't help my mood....
_____

Went to the psychiatrist today. Scheduled appointments for counseling and signed up to join a group with others who have ADD to help coach some basic skills. I read a lot about Strattera (what they will probably put me on) and the other other class of drugs like Adderall (mostly stimulants).

It seems like we have a long way to go, but the effectiveness of the drugs is pretty amazing given the total lack of specificity of the drugs on the particular regions of the brain - essentially it increases concentrations of norepinephrine (which does a ton of different things in the body from controlling heart rate to the flight or fight response - norepinephrine is a precursor to epinephrine which is adrenaline) by preventing the body from reabsorbing it - thus increasing the concentration in the blood. Stimulants to this and also for dopamine (which is why they are addictive and subject to abuse).

Anyway, I feel glad I am making steps to deal with it regardless of what path I choose. I also feel better now that I have included my parents in the decision.

Monday, October 24, 2011

On our own terms...

Below are some excerpts from a good article I read the other month. I
was just going through some notes and thought it was worth sharing....
------
" I apply the tools of econometrics a few times a year, but I apply my
knowledge of the purpose of my life every day. It's the single most
useful thing I've ever learned. I promise my students that if they
take the time to figure out their life purpose, they'll look back on
it as the most important thing they discovered at HBS. If they don't
figure it out, they will just sail off without a rudder and get
buffeted in the very rough seas of life. Clarity about their purpose
will trump knowledge of activity-based costing, balanced scorecards,
core competence, disruptive innovation, the four Ps, and the five
forces."
-----
When people who have a high need for achievement—and that includes all
Harvard Business School graduates—have an extra half hour of time or
an extra ounce of energy, they'll unconsciously allocate it to
activities that yield the most tangible accomplishments. And our
careers provide the most concrete evidence that we're moving
forward.You ship a product, finish a design, complete a presentation,
close a sale, teach a class, publish a paper, get paid, get promoted.
In contrast, investing time and energy in your relationship with your
spouse and children typically doesn't offer that same immediate sense
of achievement. Kids misbehave every day. It's really not until 20
years down the road that you can put your hands on your hips and say,
"I raised a good son or a good daughter." You can neglect your
relationship with your spouse, and on a day-to-day basis, it doesn't
seem as if things are deteriorating. People who are driven to excel
have this unconscious propensity to underinvest in their families and
overinvest in their careers—even though intimate and loving
relationships with their families are the most powerful and enduring
source of happiness.
-----
I have a pretty clear idea of how my ideas have generated enormous
revenue for companies that have used my research; I know I've had a
substantial impact. But as I've confronted this disease, it's been
interesting to see how unimportant that impact is to me now. I've
concluded that the metric by which God will assess my life isn't
dollars but the individual people whose lives I've touched.
I think that's the way it will work for us all. Don't worry about the
level of individual prominence you have achieved; worry about the
individuals you have helped become better people. This is my final
recommendation: Think about the metric by which your life will be
judged, and make a resolution to live every day so that in the end,
your life will be judged a success.
-----




Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

I saw this on a site about ADD and found it pretty interesting. I can certainly relate....
  1. Emotion: managing frustration and modulating emotions. Although DSM-IV does not recognize any symptoms related to the management of emotion as an aspect of ADHD, many with this disorder describe chronic difficulties managing frustration, anger, worry, disappointment, desire, and other emotions. They speak as though these emotions, when experienced, take over their thinking as a computer virus invades a computer, making it impossible for them give attention to anything else. They find it very difficult to get the emotion into perspective, to put it to the back of their mind, and to get on with what they need to do.

Monday, October 17, 2011

I feel like I am finally getting a clear ethical base for my decision making process. It has taken a long time (mainly because so many people argue to prove whatever they said in the past was right [myself included] AND because people like to polarize things) rather than letting down their defenses and talking about the issue itself. That's why I don't talk to fundamentalists - because they think they have already found truth (and why I like Unitarians). But anyway, I feel like the effort I have put in over the past two years is paying off. I feel less conflicted when I make decisions or express political sentiments. In a lot of ways I have let go of many ideas and detached them from my ego which has let me see them for what they are.

Or to quote Mr.Neruda... "Forgetting lasts so long"

Yes it does... but I feel like I have made lot of progress...

---

In other news I also decided to go get formally screened for ADD at the university counseling center which should lead to a visit to the psychiatrist and then a prescription. This route will be free, and given that, I I can't see the harm in trying the medication for a short while. I had a long conversation today with a friend (who is about 6 years older than me) who just decided to start medication. We both had common fears about personality/addiction as well as dissatisfaction with our current level of productivity. This along with the obvious fact that it has been studied by thousands for decades was enough to assuage my doubts.
People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world your best and it may not be enough. Give your best anyway. In the end it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway. 
-Mother Teresa

Reflections on managing ADD / ADHD without medication....

I was reading an article on ADD and I thought the comment at the below might be helpful for me. At the bottom I have also included a review of my experiences on ADHD meds

"Notes, lists, a decent calendar with alarms (I use my phone’s functions), along with conservative intelligent supplementation (multivitamin, Omega 3s, tyrosine, GABA, etc.), green tea, EFT (tapping), consistent intense exercise, increased protein intake, journaling, and studying ‘thought mechanics’ (NLP, RET, CBT, etc.) all really help me - far FAR more than the expensive, incapacitating meds and time-consuming, inconvenient, doctor (10 minutes) visits EVER did.

I guess this means I should probably be rather diligent over the next few months as I devise a plan (exercise, diet, coffee, more lists/structure) to manage the things I need to do in life before I turn to medication. It also explicitly stated what I have been doing all along with the help of technology like the iPhone and other products from Google (auto reminder calendar emails, persistent alarms) . I would be lost without the things they have provided.

____
Update: 2/12/2013

Exercise helps tremendously. Cardio and yoga (at least from the research I encountered and my own personal experience) have much more profound effects on my sleep, focus and mood. I do not think it is merely a coincidence that exercise and stimulant meds both release dopamine and have similar effects. It also makes a lot of intuitive sense that dopamine is related to pleasure and might serve to make less pleasurable (ie boring) tasks more enjoyable, or at least bearable. I also feel like I have pent up energy and when I don't release it, that it exits my body in the form of over-activity or in repetitive movements like rocking, foot tapping or bouncing my legs while sitting. When I exercise I deplete these stores of energy and can be a little more relaxed.

I also benefitted from my rather odd spiritual journey which led me to attend both Buddhist (Soto-Zen and Kadampa) and an unprogrammed Quaker service. They both heavily feature silence/meditation as part of their services. The process of not pursing a train of though, letting other thoughts bubble up and then finding a quiet stillness within has helped me in daily life. If one can control the mind, the body is simply an afterthought.  Being able to sit quietly and find peace is a precursor to most other lasting forms of happiness. Otherwise we are going to just continue to see activities to avoid this rather natural state of being.

Coffee does help, but it's only good for short periods of time. It pushes my mind beyond it's normal limits leaving me a bit weary, but at the same time interrupting my normal sleep patterns. This is fine for a day or two if I have an important project to work on, but I don't think it should be an everyday thing (nor do I need the horsepower coffee provides on a daily basis). Along these lines abstaining from alcohol, Facebook and sex (each for 30 days) gave me some additional insight into what causes my distracted mind. The incessant quest for the opposite sex (probably for intercourse and a shot of dopamine), the stream of status updates (talk about a positive behavioral re-enforcer and a perpetual distraction from reality and those around me - it became a way to plug the hole of boredom), and the numbing of my mind by alcohol to slow the stream of thoughts. They all are fine, but if used on a daily basis they begin to exacerbate my own inability to focus.

I also modified my diet, taking basic advice from the glycemic index tables. They were really revealing as some of the effects on blood sugar are rather unexpected. Fruits, while loaded with sugars, tend to only raise blood sugar by about half the amount of refined grains. I now make sure to use these high GI foods sparingly and try to eat meals that won't leave me feeling drowsy (I can't get any work doing this). At my old job I would often eat a meal that would leave me drowsy, then I would load up on caffeine in the afternoon which would leave my mind racing (to the point that I couldn't keep up or do anything) and then I would also be left, as I mentioned above, with an interrupted sleep patterns. It was all a very vicious cycle.
___


One thing that concerns me the most, and prompts my desire to change is that ADD frequently prevents people from living up to their potential and I have noticed that my own aversion to careers that require great attention to detail (most occupations, particularly at entry-level) because of facets of my personality that are a result of my ADD-like traits (aversion to small details, inability to finish projects, antsy-ness). I don't want to limit myself to relatively "detail-free" careers simply because of my condition. I also see many long term jobs (higher level) that I know I could never rise to because I lack the ability to work my way from the ground up -jobs which I would enjoy, but have written off because I do not have the ability to perform lower-level tasks efficiently. I also wonder that if my system of managing tasks turns out to be successful I may just be putting myself into a position that allows me to be a functioning (but still rather handicapped) adult. Will my concerns about taking medication prevent me from giving back and taking care of myself.

All of these thing make me want to take medication, though the other side of me says I should simply accept myself as I am and create the life I want with what I was given. But then again, how is any of this different from Tylenol or coffee or alcohol. Three things which alter my personality and and one of which is highly manufactured. It seems ideologically inconsistent to take those and yet be reluctant to ADD meds.

ADD/ADHD often causes social problems but thankfully, over the past year I have been (or at least I think I am) much better about managing the emotional traits that bother others the most. However, as I just mentioned I still struggle with those that are required for the more boring parts everyday life (school and work). Interestingly, when I reflect on my personal life, I have actually done reasonably well managing the smaller details of things related to personal finance even though this is something that requires a somewhat large focus on details.

Well, now that I am re-thinking it, I haven't really done anything over the past two years with any of that. I isolated my biggest expenses, I cut them back fiercely, and then set everything up on autopay so I wasn't tasked with mailing out these things on a monthly basis. Now that I remember it, I do recall the great stress and anxiety all those responsibilities caused me the month after I bought my house. I remember the amazement I had that my mother had been able to do it for all those years with a checkbook without ever voicing a complaint.

I guess I am good at solving a problem once with great care (including attention to detail), but I lose almost all interest on any repeated attempts. If I was worried about my "natural ability" this should be a reminder and relief. It is also a sign I should consider careers in industries like software, where I can solve problems once and then have them replicated easily. I can program my thinking and wash my hands of a task.

I also wonder how this relates to my ENTP personality type and my innate disposition. As I have mentioned before, I generally like who I am and don't want to be someone else.

Maybe the following won't be enough to avoid meds and "cure" me, but hopefully they will put me in a better position if I eventually start them...

Interesting and on a slightly unrelated note, I was having a conversation with among other people a gay man and a black woman (who was also lesbian) and we broached the topic of monogamy. I quickly shared my own concerns and then mentioned how it was related to genetics (see section on gound vole). I said that I would happily change my genes because I didn't have any attachment to the trait (and not having it would make life easier). I then mentioned that in several hundred years we might be able to control gene expression and my own condition might be able to be cleared away by genetic modification. The question I posed was would they change their particular trait that has caused so much grief (being black or being gay). Little did I know I would be asking myself the same question again an hour later. It really helped me to see the "minority" perspective in a completely different light. It was a burden they didn't ask for, but was something they were handed. I guess my ADD is different because I actually like myself for many of the things it brings me and am reluctant to change myself just to make life easier.
______

Update: 6/28/2012

I actually ended up trying Strattera (I was not interested in stimulants) for about a month and a half. I had some modest side effects which I won't  mention (as they were likely psychosomatic (with the exception of increased heartrate [it went up by about 8-12 beats per minute] and don't want to bias anyone - but they were also part of the reason I quit), but I decided the medication wasn't a long term fix for me. HOWEVER, it was a very profound experience. The medication did exactly what it was supposed to do once we got the dosing right (80mg for me @ 160 lb). All of the scatter brained thoughts I had disappeared. I felt like Buddha. I am not sure if this is what other people experienceon a daily basis (as normal people) but it was quite amazing to me.I finally saw how noisy and chattery and jittery and all over the place I was. I remember talking with my friend who also has ADD and just being overwhelmed with the information she was spewing at me (now that my brain was different). I would not change that insight for anything. It has helped me to pause, to know when I am being confusing and too animated for others. In many situations, that awareness has given me the split second I need to pause before saying things. 

Yes, my mind is all over the place now, and initially it was a bit overwhelming to go back to the old me. I don't mind that now though. I am just glad to know how other people might perceive me and what and what it might be like for them to carry on a conversation with me. I am back to the old me, with no long-term impacts outside of a fresh perspective on things. 

Separately, it is also quite expensive without health insurance which was another big consideration. I might even retry it again if it becomes generic in a few years, which is planned.

I have gotten a good bit of google traffic to this post, so if you are struggling with self-diagnosis/self-help, below are some of my own internal battles and research.

I wish you peace and clarity.

My Related Posts:
Mouth Breathing and ADHD (seems to be a contributing factor)
Self Medicating (with nicotine)
Initial Thoughts (when I realized I wanted to try to "treat it")

Thursday, October 13, 2011

I usually laugh at these things...

... but there are always exceptions

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

ADD

I have been trying a variety of things for my ADD. Lately I have been
adjusting my dosing of coffee (a half cup seems to work best) but I
really don't like how it affects my sleeping patterns. Exercise seems
to work well, but I'm never motivated to be consistent. I am also
considering taking Adderall, but since it has similar effects it's
also probably going to result in the same thing. I also don't like how
coffee cuts me off from my emotions. I feel less when I drink it. I
feel disconnected from people. Productive, but disconnected. It's a
tradeoff. I'll have to calculate the benefits over time.
In any case, I don't think I'd want a daily rx, and the additive
properties, and subsequently higher dosing also concern me.
I'm also curious what sort of effects it will have on my personality.
I like who I am now and don't want to be someone else because of my
attention deficit problems.
I think I'm going to start video blogging. Writing takes too long and
isn't my natural form of communication and is easier for people to
absorb since I can communicate with more than words...

Monday, October 03, 2011

There is only one end and that is the end of life - everything else is simply to be continued....

Excerpts from the Meeting

Just doing some reading on Quakers and came across a poem by John Greenleaf Whittier

"No cool philosophy to teach
Its bland audacities of speech
To double-tasked idolaters
Themselves their gods and worshippers,
No pulpit hammered by the fist
Of loud-asserting dogmatist,
I know how well the fathers taught,
What work the later schoolmen wrought;
I reverence old time faith and men,
But God is near us now as then;
His force of love is still unspent,
His hate of sin as imminent;
And still the measure of our needs,
Outgrows the cramping bounds of creeds;
The manna gathered yesterday
Already savors of decay;"


"God should be most where man is least:
So, where is neither church nor priest,
And never rag nor form of creed
To clothe the nakedness of need,--
Where farmer folk in silence meet,--
I turn my bell-unsummoned feet;
I lay the critic's glass aside,
I tread upon my lettered pride,
And, lowest-seated, testify
To the oneness of humanity;
Confess the universal want,
And share whatever Heaven may grant.
He findeth not who seeks his own,
The soul is lost that's saved alone"

.....

Not everyone who says to me "Lord, Lord," will enter the kingdom of heaven; but he who does the will of my Father in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, "Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name cast out demons, and in your name perform many wonders?" and then I will declare to them, "I never knew you: Depart from me, you who practice wickedness."

This is, incidentally, the same passage where Jesus warns his followers to "judge a tree by its fruits," that is, not by their words or affirmations of some doctrinal orthodoxy. (7:15-19).

--------

The Religious Society of Friends is... "an alternative Christianity which emphasizes the personal experience of God in one's life. Quakers understand the necessity of first listening to God before working in the world. They affirm the equality of all people before God regardless of race, station in life, or sex and this belief leads them into a range of social concerns. Being "Children of the Light" they find recourse to violence intolerable. Quaker thought is both mystical (waiting upon God) and prophetic (speaking truth to power). Friends believe that God's revelation is still continuing, that God is not absent or unknowable but that we can find God ourselves and establish a living relationship thus being able to live in the world free from the burden and guilt of sin. It is the search for a closer relationship with God who is the Way. Religious knowledge, like the appreciation of beauty, is not attained by a logical process of thought but by experience and feeling. Quakers maintain that the teaching of Jesus is a practical method for the guidance of the world today, that religion is concerned with the whole of life, and that, beyond a certain point, definition becomes a limitation."

Maybe Neitzche was a Quaker....

Monday, September 26, 2011

Distractions from Homework

I came across the following passage while doing some research for an education paper... Something about it really pricked my heart - maybe because there is a fair amount of truth in it for my own life.

He noted that once the delinquent’s aggressive impulses had exhausted themselves, the repressed longing for love and tenderness which he believed remained dormant in these young people began to manifest itself once more. Previously aggressive boys became tearful and more vulnerable, at which point Aichhorn encouraged his staff, each working with a specific group of boys, to take on a more demanding attitude to those in their care. In Aichhorn’s terms, a positive transference – a strong, positive emotional relationship – began to develop with the young person’s worker, who was now in a position to guide the young person to takes the steps in psychic growth that had not occurred in the early years:

“It is above all the tender feeling for the teacher that gives the pupil the incentive to do what is prescribed and not to do what is forbidden. The teacher, as libidinally charged object for the pupil, offers traits for identification that bring about a lasting change in the structure of the ego-ideal.”

______

While reading the same article, I ended up discovering two interesting versions of manhood in 19th century Britain....

The Flaneur and the Dandy

Here are a few choice quotes from each:

"A dandy is a man who places particular importance upon physical appearance, refined language, and leisurely hobbies, pursued with the appearance of nonchalance in a cult of Self. Historically, especially in late 18th- and early 19th-century Britain, a dandy, who was self-made, often strove to imitate an aristocratic lifestyle despite coming from a middle-class background."

"Charles Baudelaire, in the later, "metaphysical" phase of dandyism defined the dandy as one who elevates æsthetics to a living religion,] that the dandy's mere existence reproaches the responsible citizen of the middle class: "Dandyism in certain respects comes close to spirituality and to stoicism" and "These beings have no other status, but that of cultivating the idea of beauty in their own persons, of satisfying their passions, of feeling and thinking .... Contrary to what many thoughtless people seem to believe, dandyism is not even an excessive delight in clothes and material elegance. For the perfect dandy, these things are no more than the symbol of the aristocratic superiority of his mind.""

"The observer-participant dialectic is evidenced in part by the dandy culture. Highly self-aware, and to a certain degree flamboyant and theatrical, dandies of the mid-nineteenth century created scenes through outrageous acts like walking turtles on leashes down the streets of Paris. Such acts exemplify a flâneur's active participation in and fascination with street life while displaying a critical attitude towards the uniformity, speed, and anonymity of modern life in the city."

"a derived meaning of flâneur—that of "a person who walks the city in order to experience it"."

"Flâneur is not limited to someone committing the physical act of peripatetic stroll, but can also include a "complete philosophical way of living and thinking", and a process of navigating erudition"

"characterized the flâneur as a "gentleman stroller of city streets",he saw the flâneur as having a key role in understanding, participating in and portraying the city. A flâneur thus played a double role in city life and in theory, that is, while remaining a detached observer. This stance, simultaneously part of and apart from, combines sociological, anthropological, literary and historical notions of the relationship between the individual and the greater populace."

I also really like the parallel to modern life

"The flâneur's tendency toward detached but aesthetically attuned observation has brought the term into the literature of photography, particularly street photography. The street photographer is seen as one modern extension of the urban observer described by nineteenth century journalist Victor Fournel before the advent of the hand-held camera:"

And thus, my fate....

"Baudelaire would be torn the rest of his life between the stances of flâneur and dandy, a disengaged and cynical voyeur on the one hand, and man of the people who enters into the life of his subjects with passion on the other"

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

My gripe with UU's

I have been going to the Unitarian Universalist church for a while now, and I have noticed a strong turn towards political action and less on spiritual growth.

In their desire for social justice, I feel like they focus on all the crap that is wrong with society (unemployment, poverty, war, issues of racial inequality) and though it will certainly help people temporarily feel better, it's a spiritual dead end. It won't bring lasting satisfaction. In fact, most of the people who we are fighting for have plenty of reasons to be happy - not to complain. I don't mean to discount these things (because they are important) I just think that if I could wave a magic wand and create the economic and social conditions most in the UU profess, they would just live in slightly smaller, litter-free, ecologically sound homes with a rainbow flag for their gay neighbors, be healthier because they bike more, grow their own food and are vegetarian but be just as unhappy because their lives lack a deeply felt sense of purpose and meaning. I don't think this social and ecological harmony is going to alleviate the existential angst many carry around.

What I hope to find in my congregation is not social justice (though it's important). I want a source (or at least a path) to lasting peace that I can share with others. At a minimum I want to be part of a community that is working to help each member work towards this INDIVIDUAL goal - not one that goes around telling the rest of the world what they need to do better. In fact, I think if we did a better job of focusing on being happy with our own lot (and finding deep lasting peace) I think the world would be more likely to end up doing what we wanted out of a simple desire to share in the same source of peace.

I feel the most benefit will come from a transformation of the mind rather than of the pocketbook (that's why I go to the UU). Inner peace (specifically contentment with ones circumstances) will do more for our society than this never ending desire to promote economic growth or education at the expense of our environment, liberties and overall sanity. Though, at the same time, I certainly recognize an individual's right to pursue these things, even if *I* feel they won't make them happy. I think that's what everyone else fails to remember and it's at the heart of what UU is supposed to be about.

Here is a comedic take on the same idea:
The Secret to Happiness is to be Thankful
I was writing about how sickness calmed my internal chatter the other week. It was interesting how there was a huge switch between pure perception to the more typical analysis of what we take in. I just came across this talk in one of my classes of someone else who had a similar experience (she is a neuroscientist who experienced a stoke and talks about the differences in perception and her essentially religious experience during that period).

Jill Bolte Taylor's stroke of insight

Her overall point is that this analysis tends to be isolating and when we simply experience things, we realize the interconnectedness of each of us. She also wanted to share the peace that can arise from this state of mind. I think there is a lot of truth in that and is what I am seeking to find through meditation. I am not so sure we need to completely end all processing, but I do think the chatter does tend to create more confusion than peace. The struggle is to winnow the thoughts down and to find a calm, clear voice amongst all the noise and distraction.

Separately, it's also interesting how she mentions she wasn't going to "be the choreographer of her own life" anymore. I have a little personal research project that I will be looking at over the coming weeks/months to understand how unexpected trauma that drastically changes the expectation of the future (breakups, deaths, financial ruin) leads to personal change. Essentially instances where you imagine the future to be one way, you realize it won't be and then you must come to terms with the new reality (and admit to others that you were wrong or that you have had to let go of a dream that was deeply attached to your identity). I think the fear of isloation/ridicule/ruin and uncertainty in these events is only surpassed by the relative indifference (or understanding) of others. I also think they tend to be the most liberating points in life and the periods of the most personal growth as we are forced to admit things we might not otherwise admit if we weren't in a state of openness.

Monday, September 12, 2011

I have a shitty work ethic and poor self control in a few areas. I
have been able to get by without expending much more than an ounce of
effort my entire life (with a few, very notable exceptions) and am
usually able to talk my way out of problems I get myself into (or come
up with creative strategies for dealing with and/or marketing them). I
am not sure if this will ever change (probably because I really want a
stress-free lifestyle and like the challenge of getting by on my wits
but I do feel like I needed to be honest about it. I also might want
to consider applying a little more structure and planning to
accomplish (or cultivate) the things I deeply care about.

Monday, September 05, 2011

I really feed off of emotional intimacy, I feel so lonely when I don't
have someone to share my feelings with. It's really nice having
someone at the end of the day that I know will listen and care and
help me work through problems that are troubling me.

Separately, I was just reflecting on how many of the recent changes in
my life might have been spurred my my own father's mortality. I never
really opened up to my parents (we just didn't talk about feeling at
all) but I guess on a very basic, childlike level I do want him to
know who I am and to accept me and be proud of me. It's interesting
how much that relationship has shaped my life and how hard it's caused
me to work to prove this or that.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Psychoanalyzed

Here is a response to my psychologist friend after a long conversation last night. I will add more to this when I am not so tired.

____________________

Thought: I am sarcastic and speak in hyperbole too much. Didn't pick up on a few of your comments

example

i am too realistic to delude myself
9:45 PM i guess i won't be happy
9:46 PM u are quite critical; which u seem to know about urself
  'i guess i'll never b happy' is a strong statement

I was actually talking about the following passage:

 "Surprisingly, however, Murray and colleagues (2011) found that couples who idealized each other displayed much longer lasting levels of marital satisfaction than those who held more realistic views. This effect held constant even after statistically controlling for the partner's level of neuroticism, agreeableness, depression, and a host of other attributes. In other words, it didn't matter how good or bad a participant's partner actually was, it only mattered whether or not a participant believed their partner was great."

When I said "I'll never be happy" I was saying that I am too logical for passion (from idealization), and that means my relationships will likely not be as "happy" (at least according to the data). I also think this means that if it is less happy, I will likely want to move on to better relationships. 

Now that I reflect on it, the "soul mate" concept so popularly touted by everyone, although a likely delusion, probably ends up helping people to have better marriages (and this was a good thing since this was the only socially acceptable option until very recently).

Overall, I actually do think I will be happy in a lasting way (though my view of happiness is simply contentment and an end to my restlessness). If I didn't truly think it was possible, I wouldn't keep on going, I'd turn suicidal. I am an optimist at heart, and at a minimum I fortunately see too many good possibilities in my life to make such a final decision. It's why I don't walk away from relationships even once they turn sour. That is probably the key to why I go crazy at the end of relationships (when partners begin to stop emotional vulnerability). I actually see too many possibilities and am overwhelmed and don't know what to do.  

By the same token, I am also afraid to make almost any permanent decisions in life. Tattoos, student loans, careers (in the conventional sense) and yes marriage (in the death do us part sense). Because of social pressures I felt my choices were only get married or don't seek out relationships. For a long time I avoiding dating, and this aversion to "forever" was my secret fear. Fortunately, I realized it's perfectly reasonable to make commitments of varying lengths and see how they go and reevaluate later. Given how many things can change between two people in a lifetime, I can't honestly promise forever. I think my big fear was dating someone, caring about them, but then hurting them later if we grew apart and they wanted to stay married when I didn't.  Since I realized that isn't the only option (just like being heterosexual isn't for some people) I was able to  "come out of the closet" regarding my views on the non-permanence of relationships. It's very liberating. Now I am able to just tell women I am interested in commitment (which is true), but it will be gradual and we can increase the length over time (think of it is as a lease with an option to renew/buy).

We talked about how I go from critical to hyper-critical once I move past the casual stage and officially label the relationship. You asked me what this "freak out" might mean. I think it has a lot to do with permanence. Lately I have been much better about this process given I don't have the old pressures about marriage, but I hadn't considered how much the notion of children was back in my head. In a lot of ways it's even more of a burden than  marriage. The problem is I really do want children, but the thought scares the hell out of me. I also know I will only have, at most, a few children and I want their mother to be (please understand what I mean here) a "good egg donor" too. I guess it lies in the fact that I want my children to have the best head start possible (though I guess alternately it could be seen as perfection and if I except that I would probably be the cruelest father ever - or at least make the kid feel really inferior and then try really hard to be perfect and end up like me [and probably hate me] or just feel like he/she wasn't). I guess this means I just have to accept people like they are and love them for that. 

I will say though it's a very difficult intersection when I think I have to look for a mother, a lover, a friend, an intellectual match, a companion, and someone who can put up with my shit and lack of stability all in the same person. I wish it was more socially acceptable to have these needs met by multiple people as it would be much easier and greatly reduce my anxiety about "making a good decision."  

Along the same lines I have made a similar decision to eschew a career in favor of a series of interesting short term jobs. I am ok with being a teacher since I am freely admitting I might leave. If I had to feign to myself permanent interest in the occupation I wouldn't be so eager to try. 

I'll write more on this later, but it's a good stab. 

I still need to talk about trust I think, was there anything else you mentioned or hinted at? You don't have to be so delicate with me.  You can be blunt. I am oblivious sometimes because I am so focused on what I am thinking.

Anger doesn't hide the hurt

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Love


  • Society's preoccupation with "passionate love"
  • Accepting my lack of passion (I don't generally have emotions that are that intense)
  • More focus on commitment (I never thought I would be the one wanting stability, but I want someone I can rely on). It is something I expected passion to take care of in the past. 
  • Looking for people who can truly be emotionally intimate (this is the most important aspect for me)
  • People who can trust and that I can trust

Freud, Anxiety and the Ego

Just did some reading on Freud and all of the associated disorders. Not sure why he got such a bad reputation. Yes,  some things seem like a stretch: penis envy, anal retention, oral fixation. But his theory of the id, superego and ego and how they lead to anxiety 



It fits nicely with what I was reading about in the Tantra book. The conflict between the three is referred to as the "inherently duslistic mind." < This perpetual state of confusion/internal conflict doesn't seem very surprising when considered from this perspective.



The id, the ego, and the superego

Freudian psychological reality begins with the world, full of objects. Among them is a very special object, the organism. The organism is special in that it acts to survive and reproduce, and it is guided toward those ends by its needs -- hunger, thirst, the avoidance of pain, and sex.

A part -- a very important part -- of the organism is the nervous system, which has as one of its characteristics a sensitivity to the organism's needs. At birth, that nervous system is little more than that of any other animal, an "it" or id. The nervous system, as id, translates the organism's needs into motivational forces called, in German,Triebe, which has been translated as instincts or drives. Freud also called themwishes. This translation from need to wish is called the primary process.

The id works in keeping with the pleasure principle, which can be understood as a demand to take care of needs immediately. Just picture the hungry infant, screaming itself blue. It doesn't "know" what it wants in any adult sense; it just knows that it wants it and it wants it now. The infant, in the Freudian view, is pure, or nearly pure id. And the id is nothing if not the psychic representative of biology.

Unfortunately, although a wish for food, such as the image of a juicy steak, might be enough to satisfy the id, it isn't enough to satisfy the organism. The need only gets stronger, and the wishes just keep coming. You may have noticed that, when you haven't satisfied some need, such as the need for food, it begins to demand more and more of your attention, until there comes a point where you can't think of anything else. This is the wish or drive breaking into consciousness.

Luckily for the organism, there is that small portion of the mind we discussed before, the conscious, that is hooked up to the world through the senses. Around this little bit of consciousness, during the first year of a child's life, some of the "it" becomes "I," some of the id becomes ego. The ego relates the organism to reality by means of its consciousness, and it searches for objects to satisfy the wishes that id creates to represent the organisms needs. This problem-solving activity is called the secondary process.

The ego, unlike the id, functions according to the reality principle, which says "take care of a need as soon as an appropriate object is found." It represents reality and, to a considerable extent, reason.

However, as the ego struggles to keep the id (and, ultimately, the organism) happy, it meets with obstacles in the world. It occasionally meets with objects that actually assist it in attaining its goals. And it keeps a record of these obstacles and aides. In particular, it keeps track of the rewards and punishments meted out by two of the most influential objects in the world of the child -- mom and dad. This record of things to avoid and strategies to take becomes the superego. It is not completed until about seven years of age. In some people, it never is completed.

There are two aspects to the superego: One is the conscience, which is an internalization of punishments and warnings. The other is called the ego ideal. It derives from rewards and positive models presented to the child. The conscience and ego ideal communicate their requirements to the ego with feelings like pride, shame, and guilt.

It is as if we acquired, in childhood, a new set of needs and accompanying wishes, this time of social rather than biological origins. Unfortunately, these new wishes can easily conflict with the ones from the id. You see, the superego represents society, and society often wants nothing better than to have you never satisfy your needs at all!


Freud saw all human behavior as motivated by the drives or instincts, which in turn are the neurological representations of physical needs. At first, he referred to them as the life instincts. These instincts perpetuate (a) the life of the individual, by motivating him or her to seek food and water and avoid pain, and (b) the life of the species, by motivating him or her to have sex. The motivational energy of these life instincts, the "oomph" that powers our psyches, he called libido, from the Latin word for "I desire."

Freud's clinical experience led him to view sex as much more important in the dynamics of the psyche than other needs. We are, after all, social creatures, and sex is the most social of needs. Plus, we have to remember that Freud included much more than intercourse in the term sex! Any desire to touch or be touched was included. Anyway, libido has come to mean, not any old drive, but the sex drive.

Freud once said "life is not easy!"

The ego - the "I" - sits at the center of some pretty powerful forces: society, as represented by the superego; biology, as represented by the id; and reality. When these make conflicting demands upon the poor ego, it is understandable if the ego feels threatened, feels overwhelmed, feels as if it were about to collapse under the weight of it all. This feeling is called anxiety, and it serves as a signal to the ego that its survival, and with it the survival of the whole organism, is in jeopardy.

The ego deals with the demands of reality, the id, and the superego as best as it can. But when the anxiety becomes overwhelming, the ego must defend itself. It does so by unconsciously blocking the impulses or distorting them into a more acceptable, less threatening form. The techniques the ego uses are called the ego defense mechanisms.
I have already talked aboutthis to some degree, but I have also realized that this "chatter" isn't always productive. Sometimes it is the equivalent of a nagging housewife. My thoughts wear me down sometimes. They also keep
me from following a line if thought for more than a few moments. If I let these tendencies go unchecked there will be little hope of clarity.

I have been reading a book on Buddhist Tantra the past two days and it has been very helpful in pointing out this tendency. It has also pointed out how much suffering we bring on ourselves from the mere appearances of our mind. How we allow ourselves to be stressed out about uncomfortable situations we are not in (but might happen in the future) or how we imagine how a significant other is off doing something when we don't know if it is actually occurring or not or how we might be financially ruined if this or that happens (but are sitting in a nice home with a full stomach). Once I considered how silly it is to stress about something that isn't happening, much of the stress we put on ourselves melts away.

Also, along those lines is Meditation. It's simply the process of slowing down these cycles of bad thought so we can enter a state of peace. I used to think the point was to stop all thinking, but simply slowing down the nonsense and following the lines of thought we want is in itself an almost equal benefit - clarity.
My time at Bridgewater was very valuable. It helped me to chase after
conflict and separate emotion from my problems. I made a lot of
personal
progress because of this. Unfortunately, the world is not so eager to
face such things head on. A lot of people avoid these things at all
cost. In a lot of ways, it has led to the failure of more than one
friendship. I almost feel like it has left me with a way that keeps me
from sharing my love with the world. Conflict and criticism is how I
help people. I really enjoy the process of working through a problem
and helping people work towards the things that they want and the
things that will improve the quality of their lives. I love doing this
in my own life. Researching, reading, talking with friends and then
putting it in to practice and monitoring the results. I guess this has
highlighted for me the need to improve my delivery so that my genuine
concern can come through. I am going to have to work on sharing these
things in a way that's more acceptable and less hurtful.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

I'm sad. I feel like a battered wife sometimes. I always come back

Thursday, August 04, 2011

Juxtaposition... it's always enlightening

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Questions I meant to ask myself....

A new friend on Facebook asked me a question I have wanted to answer for myself the past week:

You probably already told me this, but what are you in school for?


my reply (with a few additions to flesh out the areas where I needed to be honest with myself):


The short answer is to get my masters in teaching with an emphasis in biology (coursework is split between the two departments).... the longer answer is that I did finance and economics in undergrad and worked for a hedge fund... I have taken the last two+ years off and still have no clue what I want to do next (mainly because any job I take would be a huge step backwards (in terms of both content and to some degree pay and certainly in terms of work environment from where I was before). Additionally, given how little there is left that I want to learn in the field, I am not interested in working years to get to the point where I was already at.

Over the years different friends have suggested that I consider being a teacher. A few months ago I finally went to the college of education to see what opportunities might be available. I ended up getting a scholarship that covers almost all of tuition so I decided to go through with it. I still have no convincing answer for myself when I ask the question "what do you want to be when you grow up?" (I'm only about 60% certain I will even teach at all, and ironically the biggest reason would be for student loan forgiveness - I plan on taking out loans in grad school so I don't have to work while I am in college. I do think the jobs makes a lot of "sense" for me and the lifestyle I want for myself, I am just not particularly excited about it (though don't take this to mean that I am am not partially interested).

The overarching reason however that I am going back is that it is a low-cost, socially-acceptable way of not going back to work (I don't care about money, I just don't want to ostracize myself by appearing to be a total bum). I have plenty of big ideas I want to realize in my lifetimes, I am just waiting for the right conditions to come along so I can pounce on it - in time this may in fact be an opportunity for me to do some of those big things. Mainly because it will afford me the means (time and money) to do what I want. I would not have these if I was working a normal workweek with standard vacation time.

In short, I have given up almost entirely on the idea of a career which seems to be the one thing so many people in our generation seek. I really want my life to be a series of interesting jobs (each several years in length) that lead towards my longer term goals of being involved in some form of local government, potentially a writer/photographer, and a Unitarian Universalist minister (or at least a role where I am dealing with thoughtful, interesting people and I am able to share the things I have learned over the years and to be regularly challenged to define for myself the areas where I and our society at large can experience the most growth).

Towards this end, the biggest challenge (or at least source of worry for me) will be my financial security. Growing up with a depression era grandfather next door and in a rural area that was drenched in poverty, it is something that has always been a source of anxiety. Ironically, I get more comfort from finding ways of being frugal than I do of actually earning income. My goal is to be able to survive off of pennies rather than being rich. I also like this way of life because it is something I can share with others, when the path to riches is not something that is universally available. This spendthrift mentality does however pose certain social obstacles when confronted with a society based on materialism. Thankfully, the recession/looming depression has changed social attitudes. Now that I am thinking about it more clearly, it's essentially that the way of life I was raised in is now coming into vogue as economic conditions have deteriorated.

In any case, I am going to enjoy the coming school year and reevaluate my options depending on what happens (mainly the availability of scholarships - funding for the grant that approved my scholarship may not be renewed since it comes from the National Science foundation and would be subject to federal budget cuts).

Friday, July 29, 2011

I still have no clue what I want to do... I'll write more on this later

Thursday, July 28, 2011

An old lesson

Happy is he who forgets what cannot be changed.
- quoted in Our Famous Guest, 
   Mark Twain

Though I will add there is much that can be changed if we care to amend it....

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Living life on the other side of the two way mirror...

Sunday, July 24, 2011

I didn't notice it until last night when I started feeling better, but the battle with strep really muted the internal banter I usually have. With the exception of noticing passive stimuli (like smells and things I see or sensations like hunger) my brain really wasn't pondering very much. Once I got past the stage of feeling like shit, I felt like a zombie just walking around or someone in the middle of a perpetual meditation session. In some respects it was quite peaceful but after a few hours I missed the comforting chatter of my own mind. I felt hollow, almost like a mindless little bird fluttering around. I wonder if this is how most people are on a regular basis.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

It's hot an humid, my throat is raw, I have a headache and the energy of a limp
noodle not to mention I'm running a temperature of 101.6. In short, I feel absolutely miserable. Maybe basic healthcare is a right, I wouldn't put
anyone through this if there was a cheap alternative.

It's hard though when it's treated like an on off switch - cover everything or nothing. They need to separate basic
care (antibiotics, stitches, ect) which is quick and cheap from emergency
care (car wrecks, falls, serious accident) which needs a natural
disincentive but also will occur even to safe individuals, from chronic care (think Parkinson's) which I don't know what don't know what to do about from end of life care (cancer, other terminal conditions) which
tends to be the most expensive (about 60% of total lifetime costs)...

Preventive care and education about diet and exercise in schools
should also play a huge role....

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

dumpster diving

why do you throw so much away
why did you ruin what you bought
for a tax code?
for a silly rule?
it's real food
and people are hungry
and cheap
and bored

thanks for the vegetables
for the 8 dozen doughnuts
for the treasure hunt
for a little peace of mind down the road

Does this mean I am officially a hipster now?

Sunday, July 17, 2011

My buddy once told me "Everyone is high maintenance - the important
thing is to make sure the person you settle down with requires a type
of maintenance you love doing."

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

I wrote these words?

Facebook now aggregates all prior messages into a single thread when you communicate with a friend. I just came across a message I sent several years ago, and can't believe I wrote the words or had the same conclusions. It is from 2006. I was 22 at the time. I feel like I am reading something a stranger wrote...

I looked into people, into sex, into books, into money, into power, science, to the structure of the brain, to language, into philosophy, and then back to where I started. I know as simple and as trite (and as odd) as it may sound (and now as evangelical), the message of Jesus was the answer to a satisfying life. I had always looked at christianity as a way to stop thinking. As a way to simply look at the world through a lens of truth (albeit not my own) but one through which answers came easily, and souls were settled by concrete and unchallengeable maxims. As it seemed, they already had the world figured out. Christians were the possessors of their own truth and the world could offer nothing to it's complete and unique understanding... Certainly that did not work for someone who still had so many questions. I see now, that as a child my understanding was incomplete, at this point, I'd say utterly wrong. I thought relgion was a doctrine for people who couldn't come up with a way to live their own life. Instead, I just found it was the answer that I had been trying to come up with my own, and had been unable. I was able to find all of the complexity, and depth, and simulataneous simplicity that anything I belived in would have. And that being said, i should be able to explain it in a few sentences.... so I will try....Admit imperfection. Love your neighbor, love God, follow your conscience. And if that's what you really want to do, there is an idea, a power, that will alllow you to do all those, and give you the freedom to do what you inwardly would like to become.... and simulataneously on top of it all, bring peace. That is essentially what I believe at this point in my life. Yes, there are tons and tons and tons of other ideas, and histories, and people that come along with this simpe story... but at it's core, it's simplicity was far too alluring to deny. Certainly, had the results been absent, I would have soon forgotten this antiquated notion of new life... but the promises were true, and I have been witness to a transformation within myself. A quiet process that is both instantaneous and neverending... Given my past history, I was well aquainted with the words of King James, and knew what that thick black book was on it's pages, but I didn't understand it. When i came to believe, I had many different questions than you would have about it's validity. I wanted the seeming contradictions answered, mysteries explained, stories expounded upon, before I could even look at the basic message again. Ultimately though, when it came down to it, i had to get past all of the junk I has associated with Christianity, and give it a look with fresh eyes, and a mind that could actually understand it. Once I realized this, I began to see that most people don't get the message of Jesus, even within the church - it is much more palatable than any Southern Baptist would lead you to believe. As you are reading this, I can see you getting mad at me for even suggesting it. I understand your own initial hatred of the idea. The church is probably one of the biggest reasons you have such an internal conflict, that and your family... which again is most certainly in large part related to the influcence of the church. I certainly am not telling you want to believe, that is what fools do. I am trying to tell you something I found that works, which is what friends do. Hopefully you see it as that, and not some demeaning indoctrination. All i really wanted to do, was encourage you to give it another look, and try to squeeze some truth out of the words it has to offer. I supposed it would be rather shortsighted to encourage you to look at something, and not give you direction, so I'll just show you what got me started, and curious... "See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ. 20) Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: 21) "Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!"? 22)These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. 23) Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence..." It was an interesting idea, and a promise that I wasn't ready to just ignore... It's no where near the point of my faith, but it did show me that there was much more that I had missed, and much to learn. Anyway, good luck with classes... I wish i could explain it all in just a few short words, but it really is the peace of God which transcends all understanding.... i wish something like it for you...


Monday, July 04, 2011

I get all sorts of stresses in life, and I can deal with most of them
very well, but when it comes to human relationships, there are way too
many unknowns. I realized this years ago, but just sort of accepted
the fact that I would always be confused by them.

Though recently I have been surprised at how much peace I get from
speaking my mind and telling the other person exactly how I feel. In
the past, when I was finally able to open up, it would be accompanied
by so much emotion I'd usually end up making the other person upset.
Now I'm able to wait a little while, detach myself, and say how I feel
in a calm manner. This way I feel like I am able to get everything off
of my chest and then punt the ball back in the other person's court.
Even if the outcome isn't exactly as I might have hoped, I do feel
like there is little else I can do and as a result, tend not to dwell
on the issue very much. Some people don't like to talk about things
openly (ever) so I still need to come up with a way to deal with this,
but just being up front with friends about the importance of this
issue (before conflicts arise) might be enough for me to solve most of
these problems....