Reality just rang the doorbell and came with a delivery

The slow march of Death has a way of quietly advancing under the surface and then popping up after it  has made huge advances. My dad has been slowly getting worse over the past few months and between the chemo, radiation and tumors he is a wilted version of the man he was earlier this year. He’s lost all of his hair, his face is swollen, and his legs are thin. This week he had unexplained swelling in his face which has turned the bags under his eyes into fluid filled sacs like some sort of bubble eyed goldfish. He’s feeling ill all over, and the fact that he’s been confined indoors for the past few months (from a lack of balance and doctor’s orders to avoid the sun) is taking its toll on his spirit. He’s starting to suffer.

Until a week or two ago I have been able to find comfort in the fact that in spite of his appearance he was in good spirits and not in a lot of pain. While I knew things were advancing internally, I have carried around the feeling that things might have been stable and we might have a plateau for a few months. I didn’t feel too bad about the situation because it hadn’t gotten ugly. I could live in the moment and not worry what was around the corner. Well that moment is here.

I want to blame the medicine for his recent problems but the oncologist thinks it is probably related to his tumor. I don’t really know what’s going on, but at this point everything seems pointless and I just want my father to have dignity as he slips away and experience as little pain as possible. This process doesn’t seem helpful and whatever time they may be giving him, they are taking back from him with all of the doctor’s visits.

I don’t really know what I am feeling right now.  Looking back on my life I am a little resentful for the lack of relationship I have had with my father and how I haven’t had the chance to do the types of things that other guys do to connect with each other – hunting, fishing, hiking, and all of the things fathers and sons should do with each other. I feel like I haven’t been able to bond with as many guys because of it. He’s also been harsh and critical and now those traits live in me. But there is nothing that can be done about that, much like his smoking. What is done is done. It must be accepted. There is no point or benefit from dwelling on that. However, I am annoyed he hasn’t been more open while he still has the chance. I guess I have expected him to crack open, bear his soul and say all sorts of things he’s never said to me. I have wanted him to acknowledge what’s happened, and maybe his regrets if he has any. Just to hear he wanted things to be differently than they were would be nice. I don’t mind we are broken, flawed people but I do what to be able to know the soul of my father. He’s been too guarded. I don’t know how to crack the stone shell he has around his feelings.

I also feel like I am too young to lose a parent. I feel like I am slowly becoming some sort of orphan. It’s a strange feeling of being exposed to the world. I’ve always viewed my parents as sort of a front line defense for whatever problems the world throws at me. The image of a strong, protective father is now just a memory from my childhood. While we haven’t had the rosiest relationship, I knew they were there if I needed them. That counts for a lot. I know mom is still here, but I do feel like I am facing some sort of nakedness or vulnerability. The kid in me still feels like I should have a daddy, and I probably won’t next year barring a miracle.  

Failure to Launch

“A good friend is cheaper than therapy”

-Author Unknown

When I reviewed my list of principles and New Year's Resolutions, the one line that made my heart happy was "build a network of solid friends." So far, I have utterly failed at this goal for the year. I haven’t been consistent at all. I need to stop hanging out with girls as much and invest that time in to building deep relationships with people I connect with on an emotional and spiritual level. I need to work more on building deep connections with friends & family and less seeking romance. Ironically as a result of investing all of my time looking for companionship that I have actually sacrificed (or at least ignored) the most obvious source for company: good friends.

I also haven't done a lot of planning around this goal and as a result, my progress here has suffered. Below are the easy things I should be doing that I have dropped the ball on:

• Get out of the house. I spend a lot of time online after work, especially now that I have let my gym membership lapse. In the past two months I have done an ok job of getting out of the house more, but during my last relationship I didn’t do a lot. I let myself fall into a small little world.
• Attending interesting lectures/events/groups (USC lectures/presentations, visiting new churches, scheduling visits with friends, going to new fitness clubs, keeping my discussion group going). If I am going to something I find interesting, chances are other people there will also have similar interests. These events are also generally good places to go to break the monotony of life and learn something new.
• Be a better friend:
•  Scheduling lunch/dinner/drinks with people I already know and find interesting. The hard part (making a connection) is already done. Just build on what’s there
• Sending notes/cards/gifts to friends to check in on them and to see how their lives are going. I don’t do a good job of letting people know I care and some might even think I don’t.
• Encourage existing friends. Am I helping them to live up to their potential or just using them as a way to entertain myself or fend off lonliness.
• Don’t hog the conversation. I have a tendency to talk too much and not listen. I am depriving myself of learning anything new and being the type of company I wouldn’t want around.
• Care about people more than ideas. Sometimes I will place “being right” over the people in my life. Usually this is over a personal disagreement, but sometimes I allow it to happen over dumb things like political views.
• Be more open to the people I meet each day. Smile & strike up a conversation. In these instances I also need to be less confrontational. Just nod my head and smile.  

Hostility steals clairity

"Judgmentalism is almost always controlled by outside factors. When we become judgmental, we are often controlled by the very groups we fight. Outside enemies control our agenda. We can't leave them alone. They determine our thinking in that we must rail against them. We become far more able to tell others what we are against, rather than what we are for. We may feel pushed around and our paranoid defensiveness my snarl with yet another rebuke of something. We must condemn. Thus, we are not free to initiate, share or offer our perspective. We are compulsively driven to conquer anything that does not look like us."

-Terry Cooper, Making Judgments Without Being Judgmental

I am too disagreeable. I need to be less argumentative/confrontational especially when:

1) meeting new people
2) it's a small issues
3) dealing with authority figures and other people who have the capacity to make life difficult

People open up more, like you more and feel like they are being heard when you agree with them, or at a minimum express how someone could hold a similar opinion. I read something today that basically said that no one thinks they are wrong. While sort of obvious, I always expect people to change their minds when confronted with better ideas. Most people aren't like that -- they have egos they like to defend. Challenging ideas means challenging them personally. This is unfortunate, but I think it's generally true. I need to wise up to the realities of personality.

The trouble with wandering (intellectually and physically) is that few people will be able to understand/relate to the journey and the unique combination of ideas that shape ones mind and views on reality. I have friends but they won't fully grasp my situation on my problems that they aren't struggling with the same concepts (religious, psychological, existential). I guess what I am saying is that independence in someways breeds a peculiar form of loneliness - that's what I can't ever seem to shake. My searching brings me joy, but in many ways separates me from the people that I want to be close to. I often feel like my interests are viewed as strange or unnecessary, which only makes me feel like a loner despite my steady supply of company.