Abstract, Concrete
The difference in a stranger
you see
the family
you love
and the thousands
I imagine
The difference, in
How I help the world
How you do
I guess I'm not surprised
now I just wonder if you
lost faith in my capacity
just chose what was comfortable
or if you never understood to begin with
-----
On a related, but completely different note, I had a very interesting conversation with a friend today about my "zen" views on the traditionally negative emotions (fear, lonliness, confusion, anger).

And, as I mentioned on an older post, my initial take was to actively change them (think of something else, busy myself with activities, ect). Then I began to just view them as an inevitable part of the human condition to which acceptance was the most satisfying response. Face them in their full intensity and then simply allow them to just fade away - I always have the image of an unclenching fist.

My friend offered a very unique insight. She found beauty in the fact that these feelings were universal - That we all experience them, and that we should take comfort in them, knowing full well others have already crossed these waters, and other still are at sea along with us. Lastly, and I think most insightfully, we should actually SAVOR them because of this fact. They help us to relate to others. They make us a fuller person.

I think there is a lot of truth in that. I felt for a long time I couldn't really empathaize with a lot of people who were sad. Almost as if I was lacking some essential human experience. I just didn't see how they could be down about certain things. Now, I have this little period of my life I can reflect on and share with those I meet. It's almost like I joined some club, and now I can high five everyone I meet who's been there too.

I really like that feeling.

Unfinished Business

Well, I made my trip to NYC and now I am back. I feel like I always return from these journeys a new type of man.

I didn't tell my old girl I was in town this time, but she emailed me over my birthday so I responded, extended an invitation and we ended up sitting down a few days later to talk. I am glad we did, it clarified so much. I didn't sense the uncertainty in her eyes, the warmth I used to know was gone, and she was just another person that I met along life's journey.

As usual, the conversation started out in the concrete. I've learned how to deal with the inevitable period of bullshit introduction and status updates that must precede any emotional conversation we ever have. I just nod my head, share some anecdotes and feign interest in the goings on of our lives. I recognize them as coincidences and would rather talk about what I learned but there is something comforting to her about talking about the concrete reality of the world. And that is exactly the realization I had.

For the longest time I felt two distinct emotions. Primarily that I had hurt someone I really cared about and that someone I believed in had given up on me. Independently either is a difficult life experience, together it was a bit much. Particularly when the one person I would typically go to for moral support was the person in question (which was also another problem). I was alone, and it was scary, but it was good. I had to stare in the mirror for a long time. I was eventually able to see myself and not see what I wanted to be.

To be clear I never cared about dating. That was her idea and that was why I ended it in the first place. I felt like we could never be close until she dealt with a few big things holding her/us back and I had my own reservations I wanted to address that I wasn't going to be able to do in a long distance relationship. It wasn't about changing her, but I felt like if it was going to work, certain things were going to change. If they didn't then I really didn't have a lot of faith that it was going to work in the long term.

Anyway, we were complete opposites. She was introverted, I was extroverted. She lived in the concrete realities of life, I thrived on the abstract and theoretical. I based my decisions on logic and rationality, she was totally emotional. I liked freedom and open ended endeavors, she preferred rules, order and security. It might sound like a recipe for disaster, but and it might have been, but I felt like we really complemented each other on a very profound level. I got her to see beyond her own little circle and she kept me grounded. In some ways I was a little bored with the future I could imagine, but at the same time I felt like a lot of it had to do with trusting the other person and knowing it was going to take me to a better place. At some point, I think she just lost faith in me, or at least began to believe I didn't have her best interests at heart. That proved to be the coup de grace...

eyes and words in harmony
a mind at ease
an ego finally shredded
a soul coming to terms
not bad for three hours

Thought for the day

God is what one chooses to worship - whether that be life, a path or a person

Walking down the pigeon covered streets of a forgotten brownstone
neighborhood I hear children screaming, gleefully. Like a swarm of
bees they weave in and out of their circles of friends, sometimes a
pair, sometimes eight or ten, pollinating each other with smiles. They
are swirling vortexes of little people bundled up in puffy jackets.
Chasing balls that don't bounce
in straight lines, holding hands and interlocking arms as they add to
their herd, some simply hold on to the arm of a friend and just sit
and watch carefully. Reminds me of my own thoughts dancing around.

And in this chaos I can't help remember the order that falls out of it
all. Friendships made and broken, pecking orders defined, first loves.

I stare through the bars keeping them in and can't help but recognize
how much they look like prisoners. As I look over and nod towards a
toothless old man. My smile confirms the mutual amazement we shared
towards this spectacle of unrestrained life. He tells me "they are
fightin' for dey freedom." Yes they are, yes they are.

Then I notice myself, sitting patiently, holding a book, studying,
drinking warm coffee - quiet, calm - wondering how much my own spirit
has been broken into reserved submission over the years.

A few minutes later, I hear whistle blow, they grow quiet, and one
after the other, they all fall into line to return to the classroom.

A few hours later, I find myself in Manhattan. Thousands upon
thousands shuffle down gum covered sidewalks. Little lines of ants,
all dressed in black. They looked like they haven't played in years.

In a few hours, some of them will seek out the lost art of childhood.
Like tranquilized animals they will waddle around dark boxes with loud
noises, but there will be no gleeful screaming. Just the low rhythmic
cadence of recorded sounds. Poor vestiges of what once was.

What happened to recess?

A thought

A minister is a teacher who's subject matter is life...

Yes, this is what UU's do

My motto has always been accept or change (wallowing in self pity is useless). But when it came to negative emotions I felt like acceptance didn't make any sense. I could control my bewildering feelings of loneliness, uncertainty, and fear. Acceptance is reserved for things out of my control, at least that was the way I always looked at it. This article hits at everything I have done to fix those feelings, and suggests the answer is simply realizing that they too are the state of the human condition. Just sit in their presence and embrace them, don't run away.

So, here's to nothing... quite literally

(you might want to start with the 4th paragraph and read the first three at the end... it was a scattered way to start)

I'm just out to find the better part of me...