Unfinished Business

Well, I made my trip to NYC and now I am back. I feel like I always return from these journeys a new type of man.

I didn't tell my old girl I was in town this time, but she emailed me over my birthday so I responded, extended an invitation and we ended up sitting down a few days later to talk. I am glad we did, it clarified so much. I didn't sense the uncertainty in her eyes, the warmth I used to know was gone, and she was just another person that I met along life's journey.

As usual, the conversation started out in the concrete. I've learned how to deal with the inevitable period of bullshit introduction and status updates that must precede any emotional conversation we ever have. I just nod my head, share some anecdotes and feign interest in the goings on of our lives. I recognize them as coincidences and would rather talk about what I learned but there is something comforting to her about talking about the concrete reality of the world. And that is exactly the realization I had.

For the longest time I felt two distinct emotions. Primarily that I had hurt someone I really cared about and that someone I believed in had given up on me. Independently either is a difficult life experience, together it was a bit much. Particularly when the one person I would typically go to for moral support was the person in question (which was also another problem). I was alone, and it was scary, but it was good. I had to stare in the mirror for a long time. I was eventually able to see myself and not see what I wanted to be.

To be clear I never cared about dating. That was her idea and that was why I ended it in the first place. I felt like we could never be close until she dealt with a few big things holding her/us back and I had my own reservations I wanted to address that I wasn't going to be able to do in a long distance relationship. It wasn't about changing her, but I felt like if it was going to work, certain things were going to change. If they didn't then I really didn't have a lot of faith that it was going to work in the long term.

Anyway, we were complete opposites. She was introverted, I was extroverted. She lived in the concrete realities of life, I thrived on the abstract and theoretical. I based my decisions on logic and rationality, she was totally emotional. I liked freedom and open ended endeavors, she preferred rules, order and security. It might sound like a recipe for disaster, but and it might have been, but I felt like we really complemented each other on a very profound level. I got her to see beyond her own little circle and she kept me grounded. In some ways I was a little bored with the future I could imagine, but at the same time I felt like a lot of it had to do with trusting the other person and knowing it was going to take me to a better place. At some point, I think she just lost faith in me, or at least began to believe I didn't have her best interests at heart. That proved to be the coup de grace...