Looking back on 2010

So, I just want to write out my major events/accomplishments for the past year just so I don't feel like it was a total waste, which is what I feel like a good bit of the time. I feel like I could have done 10 times as much.

sorted out my religious views
sorted out my insecurities and dealt with them
-loosened my grip on my image
-Don't care as much about money (started giving it away)
-talked with my dad
-admitted my fears
Made it past a break up (and was honest with someone else about all of it)
Passed Level one of CAIA
took level one of CFA (waiting on results - Hopefully I passed)
Lived in Charleston for a month
Went to Mardi Gras
Went to NYC a few times (and did my last on a shoestring budget just to prove to myself that I could do it with just a few bucks)
Spent a week in Louisville
Went to Miami/Everglades/Key West
Camped out and went off of the grid for a week
Shorter roadtrips to:
-Atlanta
-Auburn
-DC
-Hilton Head
-Ecovillage
started painting again
worked on my photography
ran my first 5k and sprint triathlon
finished USMC mud run
Kayaked ~50 miles down Congaree river
Got in shape (still need to get to goal of 180 lb)
Grew a beard!
Fixed up my house (proud of it now)
worked with neighborhood to make the area better
- community gardens
- litter clean ups
- police enforcement
- Trees! Trees! Trees!
- street sweeping
- New code enforcement officers (got old ones removed)

In retrospect. I feel like I really can accomplish anything once I write it down and make it an explicit objective. I think this is key. When I think about the things I am the proudest of over the past 12 months, it is those for which I put pen to paper (or at least pecked them out on a list on my iphone). It's almost as if I have the power to create my own destiny. The hard part is still trying to figure out what's worth spending time on, but it seems anything is better than just sitting on my ass which seems to be my natural tendency (that or just going out and hanging with friends drinking/dancing/laughing and chasing girls - which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it does, in the end, seem a little hollow).

Found on a sidwewalk

...it reminded me of my last post

self observations...

I feel like I have two faces. A serious one, which is the one I show on here, and a silly one which I show to most people and what I market, if you will, on Facebook.

I think I may have written about this before, but it's interesting how clinging to my last relationship sort of warped who I was. I felt like I was putting myself into a box that would make her happy and even long after the relationship was over, I still changed my public face to something more palatable to her tastes. Anyway, in the last month or two I feel like I have finally gone back to being the mischievous, reasonably clever jester I enjoy being.

For a while I felt like she accepted and understood this side of me, but in retrospect, I wonder if she just put up with it because the other side was worth it.

Either way, I know going forward I don't want to have to work to make my most salient characteristics fit, particularly the ones I enjoy. I also didn't realize how much the people who like me, really like me for this side of me. It seems perverse to please someone who doesn't like me for who I am at the expense of those who really enjoy what I am all about.

----
In other news...

I have also seriously considered being a Unitarian Universalist minister for the past few weeks, given it basically gives me exactly the type of lifestyle I want: constant interaction, a chance to talk/discuss interesting ideas, help people from a philosophical perspective, a very flexible schedule, a chance to run an organization that can affect change in the community I live in, and very open ended subject matter. I think I would actually make a good public face, could help to run a good organization (though working with committees would be tough for me), BUT as much as I would be good at those things, I feel like I don't have the deep and painful life experiences which help you to relate to people.

In some ways I think this IS part of the reason people who like me, do like me, because I have this perpetual optimism (alternately maybe I have been through as many painful things as other people and I am just better at letting them roll off of my back). I am torn because I feel like this could be my greatest asset, but at the same time my biggest weakness as a "minister." I have sympathy but not empathy. I have so much trouble wrapping my head around why other people feel the way they do. I can certainly help them to think a different way, but the emotions that seem to overrun people I just don't really have much familiarity with. Anyway, I was thinking I might be better served, if I were to wait until I was much older and have sort of seen the gamut of human emotions, at which point I would be able to give some very pointed insights, BUT at the same time I do think I have something special to offer right now. I am not sure which would be the best course of action... I think i am going to stick with finance for the near future, but I definitely see a fork down the road.

One thing that makes me angry

I knew each of you
hours upon hours we talked
growing closer
things, circumstances bring us apart
months, years later we meet again
things have changed, but souls have not
but now, walls, retrenchment
like a frightened turtle
hidden inside the shell
but that's only part
the other is the dreams you cling to
fairy tales of happiness
fairy tales of monogamy
I don't like your rules
they just get in the way

Hmmm

I think I have some latent hostility towards women deep down inside.
I'm not sure where it came from. This might take a while to sort
out...

I like this city when I walk it's streets
I like this city when I feel it's heart beat
I like this city when I feel it breathe
I like this city just as soon as I leave
I know it well and I feel it knows me
We go way back, kinda got a history
The lonely nights and the cold dark roads
The summer lights and the way time flows
My life is here, but my spirits gone
Back on the road searching for a home
I like this city when I walk it's streets
I like this city when it's myself I meet




I can settle down and be doin’ just fine
Til I hear an old train rollin’ down the line
Then I hurry straight home and pack
And if I didn’t go, I believe I’d blow my stack
I love you baby, but you gotta understand
When the lord made me
He made a ramblin’ man.

Some folks might say that I’m no good
That I wouldn’t settle down if I could
But when that open road starts to callin’ me
There’s somethin’ o’er the hill that I gotta see
Sometimes it’s hard but you gotta understand
When the lord made me, he made a ramblin’ man

I love to see the towns a-passin’ by
And to ride these rails ’neath god’s blue sky
Let me travel this land from the mountains to the sea
’cause that’s the life I believe he meant for me
And when I’m gone and at my grave you stand
Just say God called home your ramblin’ man.

Changes

I used to be critical and dismiss people before I even met them, and I think I do it a lot less than I used to, but something new has happened recently and I just realized it about five minutes ago. I have started preemptively dismissing people because I assume they will judge me and I just go ahead and make the decision for them that they won't like me. I am not sure if it's more the fact that I don't want to waste my or other people's time or if it's just a defense mechanism so that I don't have to explain myself in such depth to people who might end up still making me feel like crap in the end no matter how reasonable my explanation. Anyway, just something I noticed and wanted to share... I think I am going to try to stop doing it though, whatever the cauase. There is no reason I should be making those decisions for other people, I let them reject me on their own terms. Though at the same time I will probably still be up front about what I think will irritate them the most about me. And who knows, I might be weeding out people who can open my eyes to something new....

Sadly

Fairy tales say I'll always love you, but the truth is I'll always hate you

Abstract, Concrete
The difference in a stranger
you see
the family
you love
and the thousands
I imagine
The difference, in
How I help the world
How you do
I guess I'm not surprised
now I just wonder if you
lost faith in my capacity
just chose what was comfortable
or if you never understood to begin with
-----
On a related, but completely different note, I had a very interesting conversation with a friend today about my "zen" views on the traditionally negative emotions (fear, lonliness, confusion, anger).

And, as I mentioned on an older post, my initial take was to actively change them (think of something else, busy myself with activities, ect). Then I began to just view them as an inevitable part of the human condition to which acceptance was the most satisfying response. Face them in their full intensity and then simply allow them to just fade away - I always have the image of an unclenching fist.

My friend offered a very unique insight. She found beauty in the fact that these feelings were universal - That we all experience them, and that we should take comfort in them, knowing full well others have already crossed these waters, and other still are at sea along with us. Lastly, and I think most insightfully, we should actually SAVOR them because of this fact. They help us to relate to others. They make us a fuller person.

I think there is a lot of truth in that. I felt for a long time I couldn't really empathaize with a lot of people who were sad. Almost as if I was lacking some essential human experience. I just didn't see how they could be down about certain things. Now, I have this little period of my life I can reflect on and share with those I meet. It's almost like I joined some club, and now I can high five everyone I meet who's been there too.

I really like that feeling.

Unfinished Business

Well, I made my trip to NYC and now I am back. I feel like I always return from these journeys a new type of man.

I didn't tell my old girl I was in town this time, but she emailed me over my birthday so I responded, extended an invitation and we ended up sitting down a few days later to talk. I am glad we did, it clarified so much. I didn't sense the uncertainty in her eyes, the warmth I used to know was gone, and she was just another person that I met along life's journey.

As usual, the conversation started out in the concrete. I've learned how to deal with the inevitable period of bullshit introduction and status updates that must precede any emotional conversation we ever have. I just nod my head, share some anecdotes and feign interest in the goings on of our lives. I recognize them as coincidences and would rather talk about what I learned but there is something comforting to her about talking about the concrete reality of the world. And that is exactly the realization I had.

For the longest time I felt two distinct emotions. Primarily that I had hurt someone I really cared about and that someone I believed in had given up on me. Independently either is a difficult life experience, together it was a bit much. Particularly when the one person I would typically go to for moral support was the person in question (which was also another problem). I was alone, and it was scary, but it was good. I had to stare in the mirror for a long time. I was eventually able to see myself and not see what I wanted to be.

To be clear I never cared about dating. That was her idea and that was why I ended it in the first place. I felt like we could never be close until she dealt with a few big things holding her/us back and I had my own reservations I wanted to address that I wasn't going to be able to do in a long distance relationship. It wasn't about changing her, but I felt like if it was going to work, certain things were going to change. If they didn't then I really didn't have a lot of faith that it was going to work in the long term.

Anyway, we were complete opposites. She was introverted, I was extroverted. She lived in the concrete realities of life, I thrived on the abstract and theoretical. I based my decisions on logic and rationality, she was totally emotional. I liked freedom and open ended endeavors, she preferred rules, order and security. It might sound like a recipe for disaster, but and it might have been, but I felt like we really complemented each other on a very profound level. I got her to see beyond her own little circle and she kept me grounded. In some ways I was a little bored with the future I could imagine, but at the same time I felt like a lot of it had to do with trusting the other person and knowing it was going to take me to a better place. At some point, I think she just lost faith in me, or at least began to believe I didn't have her best interests at heart. That proved to be the coup de grace...

eyes and words in harmony
a mind at ease
an ego finally shredded
a soul coming to terms
not bad for three hours

Thought for the day

God is what one chooses to worship - whether that be life, a path or a person

Walking down the pigeon covered streets of a forgotten brownstone
neighborhood I hear children screaming, gleefully. Like a swarm of
bees they weave in and out of their circles of friends, sometimes a
pair, sometimes eight or ten, pollinating each other with smiles. They
are swirling vortexes of little people bundled up in puffy jackets.
Chasing balls that don't bounce
in straight lines, holding hands and interlocking arms as they add to
their herd, some simply hold on to the arm of a friend and just sit
and watch carefully. Reminds me of my own thoughts dancing around.

And in this chaos I can't help remember the order that falls out of it
all. Friendships made and broken, pecking orders defined, first loves.

I stare through the bars keeping them in and can't help but recognize
how much they look like prisoners. As I look over and nod towards a
toothless old man. My smile confirms the mutual amazement we shared
towards this spectacle of unrestrained life. He tells me "they are
fightin' for dey freedom." Yes they are, yes they are.

Then I notice myself, sitting patiently, holding a book, studying,
drinking warm coffee - quiet, calm - wondering how much my own spirit
has been broken into reserved submission over the years.

A few minutes later, I hear whistle blow, they grow quiet, and one
after the other, they all fall into line to return to the classroom.

A few hours later, I find myself in Manhattan. Thousands upon
thousands shuffle down gum covered sidewalks. Little lines of ants,
all dressed in black. They looked like they haven't played in years.

In a few hours, some of them will seek out the lost art of childhood.
Like tranquilized animals they will waddle around dark boxes with loud
noises, but there will be no gleeful screaming. Just the low rhythmic
cadence of recorded sounds. Poor vestiges of what once was.

What happened to recess?

A thought

A minister is a teacher who's subject matter is life...

Yes, this is what UU's do

My motto has always been accept or change (wallowing in self pity is useless). But when it came to negative emotions I felt like acceptance didn't make any sense. I could control my bewildering feelings of loneliness, uncertainty, and fear. Acceptance is reserved for things out of my control, at least that was the way I always looked at it. This article hits at everything I have done to fix those feelings, and suggests the answer is simply realizing that they too are the state of the human condition. Just sit in their presence and embrace them, don't run away.

So, here's to nothing... quite literally

(you might want to start with the 4th paragraph and read the first three at the end... it was a scattered way to start)

I'm just out to find the better part of me...

A year ago, I got on a plane

Time is like a reflection in the water's surface
always there, sometimes rippled
but never really there
just something looking back at us
We mark it in days, weeks, years
which fall like leaves as winter approaches
which blow in the wind
and float downstream with the driftwood
but we live in moments
smaller than seconds
that sit firmly like polished pebbles
on the swift river bottom
looking forward
years seem as far away as the ocean
but every drop will make it there
and so will the leaves
as they pass over pebbles below
mostly unaware

I feel like my brain works better and faster and with more clarity when I am talking with other people. I get so energized and I am not exactly sure why... It doesn't happen when I am simply thinking or writing.

Money can't buy things that don't have prices

I often meet people who spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about ways they can earn a certain amount of money so they can "do what they want in life." (I used to be part of this club.) After college, it was easy to spot people who went to graduate school to avoid making these decisions. I think this is because people confuse their career, "what they do" with what they want to do, as if how they were going to earn their income was the important question. But, I never realized that some of the people who decided to go off and start making money, were simply doing so as a way to put off making decisions about what they want.
In the end, I think people assume they will be able to trade the money they make for what they want, but in reality I think they end up trading their money for things (read: assets) that help them collect more dollar bills. I feel like if they simply took this amount of time and applied it to first, figuring out what they want to do in life, and second, how they can accomplish what they want with what they have, they might find a tad more satisfaction.
Benjamin Franklin said, a man can either increase his means or decrease his wants.... well I think old Benji was a bit short sighted. If a man is clever enough, he can usually find mote than one way to do what he wants with a fraction of the money. I think a man has better chances of cutting his costs than he does of growing his business, it also has the benefit of being a lot easier.

A strange dream

It was a familiar enough setting. I was in my neighbor's yard. But the house was gone, and in it's place was an old bed. It had thick white blankets, but it had been rained on many times. A few old brown, rotting leaves were laying on top. The trees had been thinned so I could look over and see the pond shimmering from the yard. It was twilight and everything seemed a bit mystical. I remember looking at this magnolia tree. It was totally covered in huge golden buds and had a few enormous white flowers. There was also a dog just across the lawn. He was wearing clothes and had skin on his face. He began talking in a human voice. I was really beginning to enjoy it, but a sense of uneasiness came over me. I walked over and talked to my friend who was there. He is a peculiar old man with a long white beard. I guess he sort of looks like a wizard and I began to get the feeling that I was in a bit of a magical world. I wasn't sure if what I was seeing was real or not so I began to make a recording of the flowers with my iPhone. Then I hit replay on the video. But rather than seeing the flowers, I saw a video of myself. Walking in the snow, completely drunk, groping some girl, and in the process I could tell I hurt the feelings of an old friend, whom I almost dated a few years ago. She just left crying, looking at me. I knew something was wrong, so I went to the only logical place I knew to go. The only people I truly trust - My parents. When I walked in, my mom was taking my Dad's blood pressure. I said something to the effect of I need to talk to you guys, I am nervous. Mom mentioned to dad that she would have to take his blood pressure later as the reading was going to be skewed. I think I gave them a hug or sat down and woke up a few moments later in complete darkness.

I would ordinarily have dismissed the dream as some fanciful outcropping of my own subconscious, or had doubts about reality, but I had read some verse earlier in the day about God speaking to us through dreams if we just listen. So, after coming to terms that it was just a dream, I began to reflect on it.

It was startling to see that perspective of myself - an ordinary slovenly drunk. What I took away was a simple message: that even though I may see myself doing one thing, in reality someone may see my actions in a completely different light, it also made me realize that even if I want to view myself as a free spirit I can't really avoid the fact that people are still going to care about me regardless of what I do - that the decisions I make are going to effect the lives of those closet to me.

Synchronicity

So, I I had a few purposes when I went out into the woods. Unfortunately the rain ushered my exit a little more hastily than I would have wanted, but I still accomplished a good bit of what I wanted, and thankfully the largest share was on the most important front - sorting out some basic guiding principles for my life and to that end some fresh views on my faith. Thankfully they intersect.

They are in short order: love others, forgive, be humble, don't worry, have self control, don't judge, be reserved in speech

1 John 4:7-8
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

1 Peter 5:7
Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you.

Matthew 6:34
So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

1 John 4:12-13
No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God lives in us, and his love is perfected in us.By this we know that we abide in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit.

1 Peter 4:11
Whoever speaks must do so as one speaking the very words of God. Whoever serves must do so with the strength God supplies.

Proverbs 18:12
A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only expressing personal opinion.

1 Peter 5:5
..and all of you must clothe yourselves with humility in your dealings with one another

Galatians 5: 22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law

As a follow up to my last post on the subject, I should close with the following lines... I think it is a good summation

Galatians 5:16-18
So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.
---
Yes, I have finally merged my existentialist views with my Christian roots....

The Jefferson Bible

One book I read on my trip was The Jefferson Bible, or The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth as it is formally titled. Jefferson attempted to distill the message of Jesus into the most simple principles of his ministry feeling that had been corrupted by it's handlers. It was an effort to, as he said, separate the "diamonds from the dung." I found it to be very similar to the views I held for myself. A call to eschew riches, notoriety, and temporal passions - to love your neighbor and be humble. To forgive at every opportunity and and repent at every transgression. That God's forgiveness and mercy are unending and so should ours be towards our neighbors. That we should not be caught in the worries of everyday life for we have no ultimate control over its outcome. Interestingly, Jefferson omits the resurrection and many of the other supernatural claims in the gospels which in many ways are central to modern Christianity. I think that I need to consider my own views on these issues more, but the basic framework for how I should conduct my life is intact.
After reading more of the Bible in the following days, the faith I have been looking for, was simply waiting on the pages waiting to be read with fresh eyes. I found the God of Abraham to be generous and reasonable. One who was willing to provide mercy for those who seek him. He is however unwilling to contend with those who have been totally given over to selfish pursuits. I found the calm and loving voice of 1 Peter and 1 John to be exactly what I sought when I began attending the UU - a more liberal, loving faith, free of the dogma of my southern Baptist roots.

Parting words...

Lilies
By: Mary Oliver

I have been thinking
about living
like the lilies
that blow in the fields.

They rise and fall
in the edge of the wind,
and have no shelter
from the tongues of the cattle,

and have no closets or cupboards,
and have no legs.
Still I would like to be
as wonderful

as the old idea.
But if I were a lily
I think I would wait all day
for the green face

of the hummingbird
to touch me.
What I mean is,
could I forget myself

even in those feathery fields?
When Van Gogh
preached to the poor
of course he wanted to save someone--

most of all himself.
He wasn't a lily,
and wandering through the bright fields
only gave him more ideas

it would take his life to solve.
I think I will always be lonely
in this world, where the cattle
graze like a black and white river--

where the vanishing lilies
melt, without protest, on their tongues--
where the hummingbird, whenever there is a fuss,
just rises and floats away.

Other people's words...

"There was a time you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?"

Friction

Psalm 55:12-13
It is not enemies that taunt me- I could bear that;
It is not adversaries who deal insolently with me-
I could hide from them.
But it is you, my equal,
my companion, my familar friend,
with who I kept pleasant company

--------
we talk
tension
apprehension
two magnets, the same pole
two halves, but not whole
we wait
Memories replaced
erased
substituted
diluted

A difficult calculus
what has happened to us

-----

Sadness and madness and anger
are too closely related

The only way out of this is to forgive
and to forgive
and to forgive
and to forgive
and to forgive
and to forgive
and to forgive

SEVENTY TIMES SEVEN

I didn't know I held so much in, I didn't know I had so much on the inside

below the surface
oil, gas, water
sit in caverns
the weight of the world on top
each footstep
pressing deeper, harder
occasionally we prick the surface
like pimples
and fountains flow
spew forth
I am there now
not sure how to cap the well


I am best when I feel pain
disease is simply dis-ease
yes, this is not easy
but I like the work
Feels like I am tending to a garden
plowing the field
making things grow
except the seeds are mysteries
as will be the harvest

tired of dancing

another night
another 24 hours
silly words
playful words
empty words
waiting for clarity
i better find it
in myself
than in strangers

Proverbs 1:22a
“How long, O simple ones, will you love being simple?"

And What I am to you is not real
What I am to you, you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea
---
What I give to you is just what I'm going through
This is nothing new, no, no just another phase of finding
what I really need is what makes me bleed

Now I'm stealin' smiles too

He doesn't want to believe me
or more accurately
He wants to believe it was all me
and that's fine
'cause I am guilty
of putting my own desires
before a friend's feelings
though I just did what I always do
which is take the bait...
self control ain't my thing
sorry, bro

Leaving the anthill

An ant following the path set before him
Will be well fed
even if he fails to find a meal
though
this does not make him right
or even any better
a lonely ant
is probably a hungry ant
---
The more you rely on someone
Or some thing
Or some group
The more it seems you begin
To think
and feel
and see
In the same way
your ideas become those
Of a larger consciousness
---
I want my own path
even if that means I am hungry

Everything spirals apart and out
Meant to crumble and grow cold
yes, familiar entropy
yet in the midst of the dissolution
small creatures of chance
build works of art.
Unrelenting in desire
and in creativity
the only hope to stop the darkness
and keep the light alive
this is life on earth

A search...

God is the thing which enables us to do what we want to do when we lack the courage or will to follow through... The thing which enables us to do what we want in spite of ourselves...

a) the Bible is but one way to understand God
b) Baptists are mostly pharisees
c) Evolutionary biology is evidence of man's broken spirit
d) who are you really talking to when you pray?
----

I guess I should start by saying I think there seem to be three logical things to do with life. If there is no meaning, either be a hedonist or simply commit suicide if life brings no joy - thankfully I enjoy life and am an optimist by nature (though not so much that I don't have reservations about having children). The other is to search for meaning. There are many ways to do this and many things a person could decide to devote themselves to. A family. Community. Art. They are all fleeting, but hold an undeniable truth. I think the most common place most people find meaning (though maybe it's just peace from an existential crisis) is religion. And though many people hate it for the divisiveness it seems to cause, I think there is a lot of value in it even if it turns out not to be true in the sense that people think it is. It may be just be a good way to psychologically and philosophically deal with the problems people face. One doesn't have to believe in the supernatural to enjoy it. I think yoga is a good example. There are many people who have taken the practical aspects away without being full blown yogis. I am not trying to say either is right or wrong, just that religion is still worthy of study even if one does not believe in god. It represents thousands of years of human thinking about how to deal with life's challenges.

So, I started where I am most comfortable, which is my Christian faith. In many ways I didn't really have a choice. It was a way of thinking that was fed to me in my most formative years by those I trusted most: my family. It is an entire way of viewing what happens in the world, an entirely different view of consciousness and reality. Over the past few years I thought my Southern Baptist roots were something I'd come to terms with, but it was really just something I'd silenced. Recently something pushed the un-mute button and those thoughts came back with a searing precision. I realized I needed to deal with it properly... so began my journey anew.

So, when I thought about the things I had been taught, Christianity was fundamentally about worshiping God. But then I realized I had no idea what/who God really was. Is he love? Is he angry? Is he a judge? Is he ambivalent to the day to day things we go through? I knew so many facets of who he was, but I did not necessarily have a picture of a God that the deepest parts of my soul were begging to worship.

So I decided to turn to the one place that claimed to be the source of knowledge about him: the Bible. Though this time I had to shed all of the collective interpretation that I usually let influence my thinking. When I was a child and I had questions (or conclusions that didn't fit in with what I was being taught), I would ask the preacher what they meant. I realized I am capable of finding them out on my own. God even promises this. "All those who seek shall find."

So as I turned to the Bible, I guess I went to the most logical place which was the writings of Solomon. I found Ecclesiastes to be pretty in sync with how I see the world: In the end, everything is ultimately meaningless... but I couldn't buy into the conclusion that since that's true, we should just spend our lives worshiping God.

That was because the God that I understood was not worthy of worship. He was a jumbled mess of ideology and emotions I didn't want to be a part of.

So then, I began by looking at the attributes of God, and the most common is "holy," which is simply translated as "separate." I found that to be particularly telling. There wasn't any weight attached to it, at least initially, it's just that he is something special, something set apart. But what was he? That became something I wanted to discover. What is the nature of God?

I decided for several reasons, that the best way to do this would be to go into the "wilderness" for a while, along the lines of Elijah, Moses, or Jesus. Getting away, fasting some, and focusing on one goal seemed to be a good way to get some clarity. So I began to prepare for that period, I ironically feel as if I might have already grasped the part that I have been looking for. I will try to outline it..

When I think about the Bible I think there are several distinct epochs of time: Creation and the Garden of Eden, The Pre-Noah era, Abraham and the development of Israel leading up to Jesus, and then Post-Pentecost (aka the period of the Holy Spirit [aka the world we live in]). Most evangelicals teach that these are literal periods of time, but when looked at each as a metaphor for how God and Man seek to deal with the complications of free will I found it made much more sense. I also found a peace that I hadn't had before.

Creation and the Garden of Eden
When I think about science and the way the rest of the natural world works, I cannot help but view this as a beautiful example for how life is meant to exist. The creation story loosely fits in with our understanding of how the world came into being: the big bang and progressive evolution to more complex organisms.

In the garden there was this period of perfect symbiotic equilibrium. Essentially what happens naturally. Man was just another species in this perfect microcosm - I think of something like Galapagos. Species just do what they are intended to do. There is no right or wrong. There is just natural instinct. It was a perfect system... but man had a way out, a way to complicate things. The "tree of the knowledge of good and evil".

Here is a quote from Cicero which might make this clearer:
"virtue. . . is nothing else than [rational] nature perfected and developed to its highest point."

"Aristotle's teleology (telos = aim, purpose, goal, end). Aristotle believed and everyone and everything had a purpose. Everything has an "entelechy." The word literally means "having a telos inside." For example, he thought that rocks always fall to the ground because their entelechy compelled them to fall to the center of the earth. The human entelechy is rational activity in pursuit of the good.

Man could obtain sentience, which would "make him like God". I like how the bible uses nakedness as the characteristic man first notices about himself after obtaining knowledge. I feel like this is shame and guilt. A dog has none - it has simply instinct (or at least they don't carry it with them for more than a few moments). We were free to be creative in our own pursuits and free to pervert the natural order of things. We were free to chose evil. God didn't create it, it is simply what man has brought into existence after obtaining free will.

The Age of Noah
In this period there is no law, no prophets, there is no Bible: just a species of conscious beings left to their own devices - and they make a mess of it. They fall into evil with the exception of one man and his family - Noah. What I find most unique is that Noah found God without any of the modern accoutrement of any religion. It seems it was just a desire to follow, and a sincere search... anyway, God tries again and cleans the slate. It ends with a promise to not do this again.

Abraham, Israel and Jesus
This part begins with a promise to one man. His offspring become a nation. God reveals himself through prophets and eventually offers ultimate redemption through Jesus, which was the purpose of the whole thing. God wanted to offer us a way to restore what was broken. He also offered the other tree from the Garden of Eden: "the tree of life."

When I think about Israel, I think about the law and the commandments. I always viewed them as a measuring stick. Something to be graded against. But interestingly the New Testament says the law is not there for that purpose. It was simply there to show us that we needed God. That we couldn't do it without him.

Jesus even says that the law can be summed up in one sentence: love God and love your neighbor. It says it more explicitly in 1 John 4:8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

This way of living seemed very natural to me, but I still did not know how to love God, particularly if it was not by trying to follow commandments.

Life after the Holy Spirit
Well when I think about what God is, I think about that little voice inside me. Most people would call it a conscience. I feel bad when I violate it and I feel good when I do what it tells me. The problem is I can't follow it consistently. No matter what my intentions are I fail to live up to my own desires. I think that is the purpose of God. That is what happened in the Garden of Eden. Man existed in a state where he just enjoyed life and enjoyed the presence of God. I think that's what the Holy Spirit is about. It's about god in us. That's what Jesus name, Emmanuel means "God with us".

So to sum it all up, God created a perfect system. I think nature, and natural selection are a reflection of this. The Garden of Eden is a metaphor for this as well. We are meant to exist in symbiosis and and commune with the spirit of God. However, we chose sentience ("The tree was... desirable for gaining wisdom"). Afterwards God left man to his own devices and he made a mess of it. We kill each others, we lie, we cheat. We aren't totally depraved, but after hundreds and thousands of generations we can pervert our natures. Evolutionary biology points to this fact. It's the result of our own choices after time. We have both the benefits of altruism (which allowed us to rise above other species and work together) but also the "negative" aspects such as greed which allow us to overcome others within our species. There is no real way to expunge this duality from ourselves. I think the Calvinistic idea that we are totally depraved is wrong, but I do think that we need a little "extra." I think that's what the holy spirit is. It is the spirit of inside us. It is the thing that gives us the courage and the power to do what we innately know is right. The power to rise above our own selfishness.

I will close by sharing one last bit of science. My friend said "deep down inside, people know who they are talking to when they pray." It's a bit of an open ended statement, but I think is is getting at the heart of faith. He offered some evidence from modern neuroscience that I found particularly telling. He said brain scans had been done to see what parts of the brain were active when people thought about what they should do, and then other parts were active when they thought about what their friends or family members would do. Interestingly the same parts that lit up when they thought about what they should do were the same parts that lit up when they prayed.

One could say that's evidence that everyone who prays is just crazy and Schizophrenic. I would offer that as another metaphor showing that we each have a little piece of God inside of us all...

We just have to listen...

She walked over to my table
She was probably sixty-five
but she had taken care of herself
she asked me
in the most pleasant voice
if I was "RH"
I said no, I'm Justin
Nice to meet you though
Her date wasn't there
and he wasn't coming
I told her about Whitman
she said that would be good
For those SSDD's
Same shit different day
at least you'll have something
To look back on
She gave a little perspective
I was glad I could soften the blow
---
and I thought about all the places
that I could be
where else I was supposed to be
and why I was here
There is no other way to slice it
besides chance
We slither aimlessly
Like worms beneath the soil
occasionally we blindly slide past each other
---
and I then realized
even if that moment was not ordained
That it still could have meaning
because that comes from
what you do with your chances

I can only wish for the chance...

Vertebrates and Invertebrates

Those without skeletons
must have a thick shell
to hide their lack of backbone
it's such a mess inside

dum spiro spero

brown leaves
fallen petals
an empty stem
Nihilism,
the seed of a dead flower
the purpose found
after all else has withered
the beauty discovered
after it has passed
Yes...
The simple fact that I live
means that I hope

dum sperro sperro

Meeting new girls is a lot like buying lottery tickets. It just gives you something to dream about, even if you know you aren't going to win... It's the thought more than the reality that brings a smile

This sums up pretty well where I am at in my life... Found it while browsing www.vagbonding.net, a link that an old friend sent me.....

"From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines, Going where I list, my own master total and absolute, Listening to others, considering well what they say, Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating, Gently, but with undeniable will divesting myself of the holds that would hold me."

— Walt Whitman, "Song of the Open Road" from Leaves of Grass


The whole poem is great, and I will probably go snag the book... here are a few other lines

"Now I reëxamine philosophies and religions,
They may prove well in lecture-rooms, yet not prove at all under the spacious clouds, and along the landscape and flowing currents"

"Here is adhesiveness—it is not previously fashion’d—it is apropos;
Do you know what it is, as you pass, to be loved by strangers?
Do you know the talk of those turning eye-balls?"


"I and mine do not convince by arguments, similes, rhymes;
We convince by our presence."

"Listen! I will be honest with you;
I do not offer the old smooth prizes, but offer rough new prizes;
These are the days that must happen to you:

You shall not heap up what is call’d riches,
You shall scatter with lavish hand all that you earn or achieve,
You but arrive at the city to which you were destin’d—you hardly settle yourself to satisfaction, before you are call’d by an irresistible call to depart,
You shall be treated to the ironical smiles and mockings of those who remain behind you;
What beckonings of love you receive, you shall only answer with passionate kisses of parting,
You shall not allow the hold of those who spread their reach’d hands toward you."

"To gather the minds of men out of their brains as you encounter them—to gather the love out of their hearts,
To take your lovers on the road with you, for all that you leave them behind you,
To know the universe itself as a road—as many roads—as roads for traveling souls"

"Mon enfant! I give you my hand!
I give you my love, more precious than money,
I give you myself, before preaching or law;
Will you give me yourself? will you come travel with me? 230
Shall we stick by each other as long as we live?"
___

yes, that is what I want... a friend for the road

Thoughts on environmentalism....

With every idea in the material word, I always find myself coming back to nihilism. Entropy. Blackness. Though at the same time, I still find satisfaction quite regularly in my day to day life. Is that a contradiction? Maybe.

So I will start by spelling out an idea that has been churning in my head for the past week or two, that I have already dismissed, but still have decided to follow.
---

It started with a hostage takeover a few weeks ago of the Discovery Channel. When I see these things, I always try to get inside the mind of the person. What idea could compel someone to take an action so drastic that they could risk their own life for it?

The gunman was a deranged, and quite radical environmentalist. Who viewed, among other things, human population growth as the main source of the world's problems. His idea's can be found here. It's not a new idea, but there was something about the way he said it, that made me realize I was deeply complicit in the insanity which we partake in on a daily basis. I have included a few of the most vivid quotes below.


"Focus must be given on how people can live WITHOUT giving birth to more filthy human children since those new additions continue pollution and are pollution."

"World War II had 2 Billion humans and after that war, the people decided that tripling the population would assure peace. WTF??? STUPIDITY! MORE HUMANS EQUALS MORE WAR!"

"Programs must be developed to find solutions to stopping ALL immigration pollution and the anchor baby filth that follows that. Find solutions to stopping it. Call for people in the world to develop solutions to stop it completely and permanently. Find solutions FOR these countries so they stop sending their breeding populations to the US and the world to seek jobs and therefore breed more unwanted pollution babies. FIND SOLUTIONS FOR THEM TO STOP THEIR HUMAN GROWTH AND THE EXPORTATION OF THAT DISGUSTING FILTH! (The first world is feeding the population growth of the Third World and those human families are going to where the food is! They must stop procreating new humans looking for nonexistant jobs!)"

"Correct and dismantle the dangerous US world economy. Find solutions for their disasterous Ponzi-Casino economy before they take the world to another nuclear war"

"For every human born, ACRES of wildlife forests must be turned into farmland in order to feed that new addition over the course of 60 to 100 YEARS of that new human’s lifespan!"

"It is the responsiblity of everyone to preserve the planet they live on by not breeding any more children who will continue their filthy practices. Children represent FUTURE catastrophic pollution whereas their parents are current pollution. NO MORE BABIES! Population growth is a real crisis. Even one child born in the US will use 30 to a thousand times more resources than a Third World child. It’s like a couple are having 30 babies even though it’s just one! If the US goes in this direction maybe other countries will too!"

------

I guess I should start by saying none of this ultimately matters. I don't think humans have the capacity to destroy the amorphous concept of "life." If there is one thing I have faith in, it is the persistence of biological organisms to adapt. It's sheer volume. Billions of eggs, billions of sperm, mutation. Try.Try Try. Eventually something will work. Yes, change will come at the expense of other organisms, but I really don't think we have the capacity to destroy it all (or even ourselves for that matter).

For instance, even if global warming continues, and the world gets so hot the oceans just boil, the little deep sea organisms living on underwater sea vents will just spread out.... or something like that. It's just a different world than we have now. And that will continue until the sun blows up, or the earth's core cools and the magnetic fields protecting us from solar winds vanish and we burn up. Then our little rock will float until it ends up in some black hole or is shattered to bits by some asteroid and goes into a billion pieces. I say that to point out that I think environmentalism is flawed in the sense that it is just saving something that is going to die anyway. Kind of like performing a heart transplant on a 90 year old woman. Yeah, it will work, but the end is still in sight.

Anyway, I don't think that means it is wrong. It still does good. Because regardless of what happens eons from now, there will be real people, and plants and animals who will live in the world we create over the next few centuries. It will be a world that those I love inherit after I die.

So forgetting that, and focusing on the reality of the present situation, I think that there are usually two different ways of looking at the situation. The first being that humans are "special" or humans are just another species of life on earth and aren't inherently more valuable than the others.

Western civilization takes the approach (probably stemming from a belief in god) that we are special and the world is ours for the harvesting until we have depleted it. The alternate approach is something along the lines of the various native North American tribes that once lived where I live today. Generally speaking, they lived in "harmony" with a healthy respect for where they lived.

I think both of these approaches are wrong. I think humans are special, but only because we have the ability to control our actions. I think it's silly to view our homes as anything different that anthills. Our graveyards as anything different than a pile of bones under an eagle's nest. That a man made lake is somehow different than a flooded creek from a beavers dam.

I was at a writer's workshop and we were talking about that concept. I think it was summed up best when a local poet said something along the lines of... I was walking along the river and among the familiar sounds of nature, one was missing, the voice of children playing.

I also think that the way we view Native American's harmoniously existing with nature is inaccurate, but that it is also out of sync with what happens in nature. Some have even suggested they were just as pollutive as us, but simply didn't posses the capacity. They couldn't even make paper.

But regardless, taking a population to the point of over capacity is what nature does, so I can't help but find irony in the fact that we are naturally doing what a species in biology would be expected to in our circumstances but it is called unnatural. Deer in a newly burned forest. Rats in hawaii. Kudzu. Feral pigs. A species populates until it can't anymore or until a natural predator emerges. That doesn't make it wrong or right. That's just the way it is.

I say all of that to say that the words above made me realize I was complicit and that I think my problem is that I know I am being selfish with what I have been given. That I don't think babies are inherently pollutive but I certainly think that WE are. That maybe China is doing more for the environment by reducing it's population than we are by raising our vehicle MPG. For my entire life I have viewed being "environmentally friendly" as turning the thermostat down, putting trash in the trash can, and carpooling. I did all of the practical things I was supposed to do. But after reading this, I began to see that I was part of a broken system. Every where I go I leave a constant trail of pollution and whether it ends up in the trashcan or not doesn't really matter. It's not any less of a problem because we put it in a big pile at some landfill and cover it up with dirt. It's not hard to see trashcans themselves as pollution. That our disposable lives are a waste. We wear clothes until they go out of fashion. We get new cars every few years. I heat an entire house when I could just wear more clothes.

BUT that at the same time even if I viewed said pollution as no big deal, the simple overuse of resources is enough to make me want to change because it will lead to the extinction of my basic way life. I guess what I value are the things I find beautiful, and want to do what I can to nurture and preserve them for as long as I can, even if I know they are headed towards oblivion.

Maybe what I value is art, in all its form.



Sorry that was so scattered... Any comments??

Relapse

It used to bother me every day
then a few times a week
then once a week
and my last few episodes of breaking down
have been weeks apart
So it's definitely getting better
and I see that it really is hormonal
and a lot like an addiction
----
the problem was that I trusted her
more than I trusted myself
thankfully, she has lied enough
and shown enough cowardice
revealing the truth
to prove, that shes not the person I thought
which gives me what I have needed all along
the faith of my convictions
I clearly see what's unfolding
but this part of me
the same part that feels bad
for not believing in Santa
begs for its case to be heard
and I used to give in...
(that's part of the problem too
I'm in love with an idea, not a person)
I've really just needed closure
and she hasn't been willing to give it to me
---
but It makes a little more sense now
she said she doesn't know who I am anymore
but this same curious mind has always been there
but when I consider the moment in time we met
a time when my ego was at it's peak
it makes a little more sense
it starts to click
I was a real dick when I met her
that's probably what she was attracted to
a guy with a clear plan
even if it was just to make some money
I was trying to climb the ladder
at the world's largest hedge fund
I wanted her just for pleasure
and I wasn't interested in a relationship
now that it's over
and my priorities are changing
she can't relate
I sigh, thinking it had to be more than that
but there isn't a real reason
save the few moments we shared
where she saw how my mind works
but if that was it...
then it should come as no surprise
I was never dedicated to an ending
just a pursuit:
and I was looking for someone
for the journey

I've sat patiently, waiting
hoping you'd heal, open up: nothing
except when you have a little guilt
then you reach out
just enough to assuage that nagging feeling
but not enough to share the truth
only when I push you
and tell you the things
you don't want to hear from me
or ask the questions you want to forget
do you lash out
with words you think will cut me
as if the truth would sting
but you see
that's what I have been waiting for
all along
so I can move along
and put you where you belong
in my past
----
I do have a little regret though
I know you've changed a lot
as have I
and I felt like I helped spur
a lot of those changes in you
so I was kind of curious
to see what type of person you have become
and it hurt a little, when you didn't care
about the ways I'd changed
but that is nothing I can change
and something only acceptance
can cure

home

This is land which screams the glory of god
huge trees which stand like rigid monoliths
pointing to clouds like giant puffs of shaving cream
drifting over landscapes that spread out like icing
and low spots like bowls turning into blue bodies
of rippling water, just out the kitchen window
grass thick and green like old shag carpet
that begs to be rolled around in
My dog, tongue hanging out
wags her little tail, each time i walk outside
as we walk around our patch of earth
one ear hangs down, the other half cocked up
her big brown eye reflecting the amber rays
of a setting sun
forcing a smile on my own face
as I feel the cool breeze, with the taste of autumn
September is my favorite month

logic>emo

So I gave it a whirl
and I don't think I am jaded
I just realized it's not for me
I am more comfortable
in the realm of logic
than emotion
which I think mostly
boils down to hormones and pop values
I don't have time for that garbage
Time to atrophy this little reptilian brain
yet again

I feel like a fool
for sitting patiently
and doing what I was told
a friend said I was a puppydog
and there was some truth to that
I was broken into obedience
but that's over
I feel a little strung along
that she sat and watched
from a safe distance
and didn't at least speak up
---
The person I knew might be living
but they have been buried alive
That's a strange kind of funeral
but either way I've gotta do some mourning
---
I am tired of feeling bad for my mistakes
if I haven't shown that I care by now
I will never be able to
If she doesn't care by now
she never will
---

Time to list all the things I need to say goodbye to:

-A conversation that I clung to

her: that is how I feel too
i am so scared of loosing you long term
but right now its not working
but just ruining what we had
and I dont want to destroy it or fight

me: do you think I am doing anything wrong right now?

her: no

me: ok
i thought i have been trying really
hard not argue or fight, and do what you say

her: ha, you have been great
and that is why I was even more scared to tell you this stuff
because that weekend really did change alot

me: i was starting to feel like a doormat

her: oh god, I am so sorry, you are not
you are someone I don't want to lose

me: I felt like you were just pushing me away
so you could be comfortable and just forget about me
and go frolic with people who put your mind at ease

her: ha
no
I was pushing because I knew I wanted you here

me: well why didn't you let me get close after I visited?
you were afraid it would hurt more?

her: yes

me: we made the list, but didn't do anything on it

her: I got scared how much I wanted it

----

-The words I thought made it clear, for a person I have not seen in a long time. Hard to believe I wrote this 6 months ago.

You seem to be caught up in all the things you weren't to me, and I hate myself for that, because there were so many good things that you meant to me. I thought you knew all of them, but I guess I didn't say them enough. I loved your heart. I loved how you cared about others. I loved how you loved me. I loved how you could stand the heat of a thousand flames to defend what you believed in. I loved your innocence. I loved your desire to be a better person. I loved how you would stand by a person no matter what. I loved how you fit in with my family. I loved your writing. I loved how you could stop and admire little things like a flower or a small child. I loved how we were when we did thing together. I loved how strong you were... but I think overestimated it. The sad part is, that's one of the first things I called out on you. I should have known better. I never meant to put on your shoulders more than you could bear.

In some ways I hoped that when I visited you, you wouldn't have wanted to see me. I would have known whatever we had was dead, and that I just needed to move on. I had realized after our fight on NYE how much everything I had done over the past year had really just broken you to pieces. I could accept the fact that I might have unknowingly caused irreparable damage to the relationship. I knew you were guarding yourself over the phone so I had to see your face to know how you really felt. I also thought you were hurting and needed a hug. I thought for the first few moments you might have been faking a smile, but I realized that was just shock. When I saw you, I knew you still loved me. I have only seen you that happy a few times. You didn't stop smiling for hours that night.

That's why I have been fighting for you the last few weeks. I didn't want whatever that thing was to die. I knew I could make you happy, and I realized that you made me happy. I wasn't sure if either of us would be able to find that again. I am not saying we are perfect for each other, but what we had was special. Right now it feels like whatever we had is pretty much dead, but the worst part is I don't see any real way of reviving it, since I doubt we will see each other in person again. I knew that, and that's why I kept fighting. I didn't want to lose you forever. As much as I might like to believe "it's not goodbye, it's see you later" I don't see how things can do anything but fizzle out.

Right after NYE you told me I really had to be more sensitive and I showed you a side of me I rarely show anyone. After I visited, I knew I had to give you space. I knew the closer I pulled you, the farther I was going to push you away, so I did my best to keep my distance.Then you threw me a curveball and I really didn't know what to think. I wasn't mad at you, I understood why you did what you did. You wanted what I hadn't been giving you and what I wasn't able to provide for you because I wasn't physically there. What bothered me the most was that I knew I could provide either of those had I known you needed them earlier. Distance is just a matter of packing up and moving and I think you know I can be tender, I have always given it to you when you needed it.

Anyway, I was just really hurt. My (somewhat) calm collected composure just went out of the window. All of my ability to stay strong and let you have space melted and I turned into a needy little child. It would have been easy for me to deal with what you were telling me, but I needed you to walk me through it. Reassure me. I was hurting inside. I just needed you to tell me you still loved me and cared about me. But, I think you felt in more than one way, I was trying to manipulate you so I understood your reservations. I knew why you were pushing me away - I just wanted you to see that I really did want the best for you. I just needed your help for a little while.

The saddest part is that until mid-January I don't think either of was intentionally trying to hurt the other person. It was a total miscommunication.

---

Words that ate at me... and made me want to make it all better

her: I felt like I made up a lot of our relationship, that I could have been this stupid before, and not sure if I was. That I was what you wanted, I tried really hard to fix that and now you are gone and I am alone again

aiden

Every time the topic comes up with friends, the inevitable response is "you're not over her yet are you?" For the two months we didn't speak, I thought I was. But now that were are sort of talking what I have realized is that the pain has stopped, but my feelings never did. I was just able to brush them aside for a while since I wasn't having to face them. You can't just stop caring for someone, or at least I can't.

As much as I would like not to, it seems I still do hold out hope, that the person I used to know, will resurface. We all have different faces when we talk with others, the professional face, our silly face, our get the hell out of my face face, and the face we never show except to close friends. Well, there is(was) a side of her I haven't seen in a long time - the person that used to come out right before bedtime, who'd confide her problems, her fears and her hopes. That's the person I fell in love with. Problem is I haven't spoken with her on that level in months. She will stick up her head from time to time and resurface, just to let me know she's still alive, but it's like a turtle's head just above the water's surface.

In a lot of ways I feel like I am hunting Big Foot. I have these sightings, tracks in the mud, and other pieces of evidence, but I feel like I am waiting on something I know might very well just be an outcropping of someone's (my own) imagination.

At least I don't blame myself anymore. I'll just be patient, live my life, and see what happens.

The Renaissance is over...

As I begin to decide what I will do when I return to work, I am torn between the desire to follow my various creative pursuits but still create for myself a comfortable lifestyle, push myself to do something "meaningful" for society rather than just dabble aimlessly, and lastly, work at a level where I feel I am pushing myself. I struggle with how to take my constantly evolving interests and push them into something worthwhile...

I pride myself on being talented at many things, but I know I am an expert at nothing. I aspire for the top few percentiles, but grow bored after that. The pursuit of novelty always has more allure than the pursuit of running deep down some intellectual tunnel (maybe it's just competition with those around me though)... But in any event, it's a strange feeling knowing I am better than most people I will personally encounter, but many times worse than the best in a given field. It's an even more unsettling feeling that what I know/do doesn't count for much of anything in today's world.

In centuries past, being a renaissance man used to be a good thing. Many great men come to mind.... my favorites are Da Vinci, Edison and Thomas Jefferson. Men who spanned several disciplines and were held in high esteem in each. But then, the barriers to entry were much lower. A man could spend a year or two in detailed study and make relatively significant discoveries. More importantly, they could comfortably support themselves given how the world worked.

Now, without significant experience in a particular discipline, an individual can quickly be reduced to a simple hourly worker. It seems a phd is simply a good starting point for study. The world has changed so much. When I visited Monticello, Jefferson had one of the largest libraries in the country and it had, maybe, a few hundred books. Information was not widely disseminated and there wasn't much of it recorded to begin with anyway. I would bet on any given day, more informational content (youtube, emails, blogs, research, books, film, radio) is produced than was created in a decade just several generations ago. And each day's information is more than an individual could hope to understand in a lifetime. It seems with each new idea I have, I can simply search for it, and find dozens of books on the topic written by men who have spent an entire lifetime wrestling with the very idea I came across. There are few things that kill my interest in a topic than knowing that there isn't anything I can bring to the table. So I usually just give up and look for something else where I can add value.

The internet also raises the bar for what is valued in society, and what is interesting. Just a few decades crowds could be entertained by a man who could juggle a few balls on the street. Now with YouTube, every talent has to be compared with the best that the entire world has to offer rather than what a given audience would have the chance to encounter in their daily lives. In the past, you could have thousands of people doing the same thing simultaneously and all be equally appreciated. Now it seems like everything elicits the response "I've seen that on facebook/YouTube/tv before." I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. I appreciate the much higher levels of skill and creativity that this promotes. I also enjoy how it can easily match people up.... buyers and sellers, job hunters and job seekers.. post a resume in Portland and get a job in Miami.... It's definitely, on the whole, a net positive... but it does make a very interesting challenge for people like me, who just want to sample out what the world has to offer.

Just trying to figure out how to use what I have....

Summary, Directions, Aporia

For the past few months I have been coming to terms with who I am and letting my self-image break into pieces. It was painful. I had to admit a lot of stuff that I had just sort of brushed aside and buried. But now I feel like I am much stronger, much more open, and after having a little taste of heartache myself, I am in a much better position to relate to others. I feel very genuine.

In the process, I have let myself go on a few distractions (trips, people, hobbies, girls, ect) to take my mind of of bad thought processes I was getting caught in (for a while I was just wallowing in bad ideas and running my mind in circles) but now I need to face the conclusions I have come to over the past few months.

Over the summer, the things I viewed as blessings began to be viewed as burdens if I really wanted to give myself a chance to become whatever I wanted. My self exploration required a freedom that I didn't have. I was tied to my house, tied to Columbia, tied to cash flow, tied to my resume, tied to memories of an old relationship.... Now, my house is rented, my bills are eliminated for the most part and I have no real commitments after I take my CAIA test in two weeks, and I'm reasonably comfortable doing things on my own, though a partner in crime would be nice. I've tried to make a responsible exit from everything, and I think I will still pursure my CFA and CAIA designations but I am not going to let these types of things direct my pursuits. They will be important, yet secondary considerations.

I am going to let myself go where the wind takes me. Right now, I think the first step will be some pursuit of spiritual clarity, probably in the woods somewhere, away from familiar influences (family, music, television, ect). I hope this process will enable me to piece together a few simple principles that I can use to guide myself in my day to day life. Right now, I feel like I have so many competing (and contradictory) ideas inside my head. I feel like I need to just erase everything and begin from the top... my ideas on love, my ideas on success, my ideas on material possession, my ideas of a good time, or a good person. Right now I can make judgments but they are scattered and vary from scenario to scenario.

And now I remember Mr.Neruda... "forgetting lasts so long"

Finding a purpose is what matters. Then I can start setting some real goals and working towards them.

----
Like most things I do, this adventure will be multipurpose. The other reason for doing so is to give up a few things I think I am addicted to. Primarily my phone, the internet, Facebook, and things of that ilk. They are very big distractions for me right now. I have never once voluntarily given up something I have enjoyed for more than a few passing moments. In a lot of ways I guess it is like lent.

I also want to connect with the earth on a very raw biological level. I feel like we, as modern humans, don't really know what it means to be an animal, which we are. I want to fast and experience real hunger, crap in the woods, face some of the milder elements, grow a beard, hunt/scavenge for some of my food, be forced to contend with my own thoughts in the solitude of the woods and entertain myself with what I can find. I got a taste of this going down the Congaree River for a few days and really enjoyed it. I think it will be a good experience to carry with me me throughout the rest of my life.

People deal with pain in different ways
Distractions are good for a while
and I suppose they can become reality
but I wonder what happens to the person
inside the person
who was left behind
and replaced with a pretty picture
do they turn to ash,
a pillar of salt
are they flattened into a new foundation
for a life to come
or do they just leave a sore spot
that never heals
sort of get cryogenically frozen
somewhere deep in the soul
and thaw out from time to time
when you cry in your pillow
That's the person I like talking to
But how do you get there
how do you give that person a hug?

Light Showers

Dear women

Every time we speak about love
my mind melts a little
I can't figure out how your gears turn
the machinations of your consciousness
pulling a dozen tangled strings
yet still maintaining clarity
why you want to own your lovers
and cut yourself off to the world
to preserve it
even if you really just want to be single
all these little rules, pretenses
I don't understand
how you pop in
and then pop out
how you can beg for love
and face a thousand storms
and then one day
decide to slice a heart
and smile at the blood on your hands
who is this bitch inside you
feeding on the blackness, deep inside you
the pressurized hate, long ago fermented
who is her father, and where was she born
how can this woman still be a mother?

so what are you doing now?

So I sit here, at my parents house
Twenty Five Years old
A quarter of my life is gone
even if I am optimistic
I'm a little old for this
even if it is temporary
staring at Facebook, friends blazing ahead
pHd's in fields I didn't even know existed
"Medical Physics" what is that anyway?
Professional cylists
Chasing love in Alaska
Starting a new life in France
an MBA in Korea
I don't want what they have
but I wonder what I should be doing
I know I can do so much more
that I am selling myself short
but I don't know what I want
-to throw myself at--
So many things
none of them worth the effort
just plodding along some median
some safety net
which is called finance
torn between what I enjoy
and what I can do
-Just thinkin'
.... not sure what's next
-----
the game got to easy
there is no challenge anymore
tired of pretty faces
I want something more elusive
than a piece of ass
I want sparkling clarity
a smile -
brought by the way a mind works
-
so many friends
but no one to call
once I ask for what I value
I just need to surround myself
with what I want to be
-----
I like hanging out with gay men
they teach me what it's like to be a woman
It gets old fast

Finding a place to call home

Reading some old stuff.... Here is something I wrote at the beginning of the year... Glad to see I'm making some progress...
---
It's a pretty big question, and I am surprised I haven't ever given it that much explicit thought.

As a side note, I am going to start writing more. I forget a lot, miss big things, don't reflect enough. I want to know what I was thinking at a given point in time, and it forces me to be honest with myself in a way that I might not be otherwise.

I've been a little overly interested in communicating as of late. After all of this fighting I realized I do a very poor job of synthesizing things. I also saw how quickly I got my ass into gear and started pursuing my goals once I actually wrote them down. I have a newfound clarity and sense of purpose that I haven't had in a while.

I also realize there might be some (potentially) big things I haven't discussed and I am looking forward to answering them for myself.
---

Contrasting my two homes…

When I left Bridgewater I was also ready to leave the northeast, but not because I hated it - I liked a lot of things about it. The people definitely were more cultured, more informed, and generally more intelligent. They are more tolerant of new ideas and people. It is something that is highly valued in the society. People are also very ambitious and self reliant. Families are important, but beyond that, there is little sense of community. It probably has a lot to do with the population density of the region and wave after wave of new immigrants. Whatever the reason, I did not like how disconnected I felt from everyone else. I appreciated their existence, but I didn’t feel as though I was a part of it.

Comparatively, the south is much more rural and much more racially/culturally homogenous. People are much more comfortable talking with each other – they are generally friendlier. I don’t think people in the northeast are mean, they are actually very helpful. They just always seem to be inconvenienced by strangers. They are too caught up in their own existence. It might have something to do with the fact that they know they are sacrificing their time for someone they have a near zero chance of seeing again (and even if they do, they know they won’t remember them). In the south, people seem eager to do things for others. They welcome the opportunity to help a stranger or even offer an opinion (think of the cashier who comments on what you are buying and smiles at you versus the one who just holds her head down and looks at the register only giving you a pensive stare). They don’t triple book plans for the weekend, they don’t just ditch you, and they feel like they owe you something if they did something to hurt you. Most would actively seek to make amends.

As far as climate goes, both have negatives. The South is hot as hell in the summer and the northeast’s winters last way too long. The change of seasons is something I will certainly miss. All in all, I think I would still choose the south given so much of the year is useless in the Northeast. It is way too many consecutive days of being couped up. I am sick of winter by Christmas and I am miserable by March. A quarter of the year is too much time to waste. Living near the ocean helps to moderate this a lot. I don’t think I could handle being much farther inland if I went back.

What does this mean?

Well. I don’t think I could ever live in Salley again, at least not for a long time and not without some huge changes in the way people communicate (which is possible). Currently I don’t mind sitting at home all day chatting online, getting on a webcam or talking on the phone. I just need contact with interesting people. As more of our society shifts online and we become better and helping people meet each other I think a lot of the isolation that can come from living in a small town will be alleviated. Then the question of where to live might not be as big of a deal.

I also don’t think I could ever live in the heart of a major skyscraper city like Chicago, New York or Boston (though the Cambridge side was fine with all of it’s trees, grass, and relatively low skyline). I need personal space. I like having room to walk around in a house, work in my yard, sit on my front porch or walk down the sidewalk in my neighborhood alone (without bumping into strangers) and reflect or just listen to some new music. I also like having the option of meeting with others doing interesting things. In Columbia, I can pick up a copy of the local paper, the Free Times, and find something to do almost any night of the week. I might not have a wide selection of things to choose from, but that is not a concern right now. I just need novelty – something to keep my mind active. Right now I have several outlets where I can connect with small spheres of people who are interested in similar things – the Unitarian Universalist church, the gym, the pottery studio. I found these same places to be much less sociable in the north. Columbia also has a lively bar scene where I can go be mindless and dance and drink. In short, I can be alone in peace and quiet, find new acquaintances, or go hang out with friends anytime I want. Wherever I life, I want to be able to do all of these. Really rural areas and really urban areas don’t offer these options.

Another aspect about living in the south I like is the cost. I certainly like the fact that I can afford to do more things (ie have a higher quality of life), but that’s not necessarily it. I think it has more to do with financial stress. Losing everything is a very real fear in CT/NY. If you don’t work, you will not survive. In the south, I feel as though I can work part time and support myself. Even if I don’t have a job I can still tell myself I’d move in with mom and dad and farm my own food or just get a tent and sleep in the woods. It’s stupid, but it helps to put my mind at ease. I really enjoy working and being industrious, but I hate feeling compelled to do so. I want to work because I want to, not because I need to survive. I really hate worrying about my financial security and it really isn’t an issue in Columbia.

For now, Columbia is about right (it’s a little light on culture). I want to stay here until I am bored with it and feel as though I have taken from it all I can. It’s also a great place to decompress and heal (need a separate entry on this) after somewhat failing at BW. I need to get my confidence back. I also need to do some stuff I have wanted to do for a long time before I go back to work (need a separate entry on this).

What next?

In the next year or two I will most likely go back into finance and if I do, it will probably be in the northeast. I need to put more thought into selecting where I will live, not just focus on my commute. Generally speaking one thing that is nice about midsize cities is that they have real neighborhoods around the city center. I like that setup. I’d like to find something like that near a big city. Basically live in a place like Columbia, where I can have the type of life I want but have the additional benefit of being able to go into a cultural metropolis like NYC anytime I want.

If I go back I think I would live in a place like Greenwich or Stamford. It would allow me to go into NYC more. I didn’t go enough when I lived in SoNo, I stayed in my room too much. It was too much of a trek. I would also like to have a crashpad to take away the stress of going in so regularly and having to worry about accommodations (or at least just pick a hostel, get to know the people that work there, and try to make it feel like a home). I will also make it a point to make a wide network of friends outside of work. Seek out a church, a gym and other social outlets. I didn’t do this in CT. When I left BW, my abstract goal for the year was to “be a part of a community.” I think it was because I had been so detached from one while I was there. I definitely need to work on that next time I go back.

I'll go where the river takes me

Back to doing what I do best
planning my next big endeavor
and settling into my new life
right now it's:
piddling around on the farm
getting to know my family
(and letting them know me)
and just trying to shed the nonsense
sometimes it's hard to know what's genuine
and what's acting
so much impromptu training
TV, music, dumb books
but it's easy when I feel myself talking
and realize the words aren't my own
and you feel like you have to apologize
I don't mind letting my own words stick
I sleep easy, even if they bite
---
floating down a river
things felt right
It's what I like to do
set a course of motion
and just appreciate it
no bitching about bug bites
no complaining about where I sleep
or the cell phone signal
when I'm hot
jump in the river, find some shade
when I'm hungry
cast a line
when I'm tired
find a sandy bank
If I want to go home
know it will take me there
If i want it faster
paddle harder
I have what I need
I have what I want
if I accept my circumstances

a butterfly lands on my finger
found some paw paws to snack on
a redneck in a john boat
throws me some bottled water

I'll go where this river takes me
no need fighting the current
save your worries for yourself>
Float on - it's easy
but when it's time to get out,
it's time for something else
---
always changing
pop in
pop out
always the same

Juxtaposition

You can say you're sorry
but that doesn't mean anything
If the person hearing, doesn't believe it
or doesn't want to listen
I waited patiently for 2 months
for the chance to say it
and after an hour
It was clear it didn't matter:
Indifference...
ironically
there's an anger when I mention it
squirting lighter fluid on a fire
it flares right in my face
singes my eyebrows
I am not interested in the details of life
I am interested in why people choose to live
why they cry
why they smile
why their stomachs twist in knots
we don't talk about that anymore
those were conversations left
for when her head rested on my shoulder
when she mumbled her secrets in a half sleepy daze
when I offered peace
a chapter closes
---
It's a been a few weeks
and a few months before that
I called a few times recently though
just to catch up
no answer
no bother
She didn't have her phone
She was in the wilderness
doing what I'll be doing
canoeing down a lonely river
getting away from it all...
getting close to what matters
I was happy to see her name in the caller ID
I was heading home
but my cell phone doesn't have reception there
I just pull over on the side of the road
walk through the wet grass and sit down
We talked for 5 hours
as the moon slid beneath the pines
I haven't done that in years
She said the same thing
last time was when we were both freshman
She's got a new boyfriend
but nothing has really changed
we are good friends
We run together
through each others thoughts
as fast we I want
I meander
It's the difference in interstates
and old country roads
It's just natural
It's just comfortable
The way things are supposed to be
I don't have to caveat or explain
I breathe easy
These curves make us smile
That's all I needed

My child will be born with a silver spoon....

Quality. Attention to Detail. Craftsmanship - These are the things that I struggled with the most at my last job, but they are also the things I have learned to love over the last year or two. I realize this as I lay in a giant pile of silver plates, bowls, candlesticks, platters and other antiques that my grandmother passed down to my mother.

I've always appreciated a thoughtful script and witty banter. It was easy to appreciate good cinematography or a well tailored shirt. In retrospect, I think my childhood fascination with coin collecting was in large part do to the incredible engravings behind each piece of currency. They are miniature works of art. But it wasn't until I went to the the Metropolitan Museum of art that I started looking for and appreciating the beauty in everyday things. (That place is incredible. I could spend an entire month in there and not get bored.) What it taught me was that art isn't simply limited to paintings, sculpture or photography. Craftsmen are in all trades - furniture, cookware, musical instruments, clothing even baseball cards. In fact, the weaponry section was one of my favorite sections in the entire museum.

Anyway, I because in the process of binging on thrift stores in Hilton Head and Charleston I realized I enjoy admiring well crafted items (and was sick of our disposable culture). The stores were filled with unwanted gifts and chipped (though perfectly good) items of fairly wealthy people along the coast. I have always liked thrift stores simply because you never know what you will find, but there is a big difference in the things middle class people give away and the things wealthy people donate to charity. I bought all sorts of things: blown glass decanters, a copper fondue set from Holland, crystal glassware, pottery even silver cutlery.

They are objects that demand to be looked at. They have weight, they sparkle, they shine. They don't allow you to rush through a meal or a cup of coffee without admiring what you are doing. I like how these items can turn everyday activities into sacred rituals. They take me out of my head and force me to acknowledge what I am doing, they make me smile, they teach me to appreciate life.

I look forward to the next time I share a meal with friends in my home.

Hobbies

Technology, photography, and thrift

Final thoughts

Fashion at 12...