Film

So, after a few interesting events... my old high school made a short film over interim, i went to a play reading at the UU, and quite possibly the craziest dream I have ever had, the artfulness of film has been on my mind. I promised a friend (who manages a a local art movie house) that I would write up my favorite films... It's also one of the few "hobbies" I have had for more than a season (photography is the only other).

And for this love I must thank the Sundance channel (and for Netflix these days). I first discovered it when was 14 years old. I watched it at my parents house over satellite because we were too far away from anything to get cable (they still are). I had no clue what cinema was. Movies were about making people laugh or seeing shit blow up (or occasionally being scared). But whatever the reason it was entertainment, thinking was not involved. It's funny how things change. The only time I watch those films now are on the big screen, usually around Chirstmas or the forth of July when the blockbusters are released. One, they are useless otherwise, and two, I would be doing a disservice to myself to be that out of touch with popular culture. Any film that grosses a few hundred million is worth seeing, particularly if the reviews aren't terrible (Avatar, Inception, ect...)

In my opinion a great film has to have several key characteristics: Innovative cinematography (Requiem for a Dream), a witty and insightful script (Dinner with Andre/Woody Allen Films), well developed characters (Little Miss Sunshine), take me to a place I haven't been before (Lord of the Rings/Dark Days), and a moving soundtrack (Gladiator). Having a quirky sense of humor or peculiar characters is also fun (You and Me and everyone we know/How's Your News). If a film has even one of these I will watch it, if has two or three of these it will be quite moving. If you combine them all, you have the most moving medium known to man. It is theatre, photography, literature, music and philosophy rolled into one. It's as close to life as art gets. I don't know of a higher art form.

It might be because of my ADD. I can't focus on a book because my own thoughts are pounding in my head louder than the words I am reading. It's not uncommon for me to read an entire page and have no clue what I just recited. Music does have this power to grip me, and photography does to, but not for hours on end. I have only stared one painting my entire life. Film is the only medium that has the power to grip me and maintain my focus...

The first film I fell in love with was the Seventh Seal by Ingmar Bergman and it landed on my face like a block of ice. It's set in the Middle Ages, during plague. It follows a knight who has just returned from some sort of crusade. The film opens with the night sitting on a cold, rocky beach, watching the setting sun. The film is in black and white and the white ball of the sun fades to the pale white face of Death cloaked in a black hooded robe. The knight questions death about chess, and a bit amused, Death (in a calm, bouncy Swedish cadence) agrees to play a game with him. The film follows the knight through the countryside as he seeks to outwit death and then eventually acquiesces he will lose and rather than trying to beat death he just tries to make it happen more slowly, and for the first time in his life, actually enjoys the simple pleasures of life - a sunset and a bowl of wild strawberries and milk. It was visually amazing, emotionally gripping, philosophically challenging and took me to a world I'd never seen before. It was the first time I had ever looked at film as art.

I might write more about this later, but I don't see belaboring each film being useful... BUT... I will say that I really do enjoy Vanilla Sky and I feel like I shouldn't. I know it's cheesy, emotionally gripping (but shallow) pop cinema... yet I still like it. Maybe it's the fact that it has an amazing soundtrack and beautiful women (maybe Penelope Cruz alone is the reason). I would like to know why.

I will also add that as well known as he is, Roger Ebert really is a great critic. I like his reviews and our tastes in film are pretty similar. I also find his writing to be very good. Here is a sample of his work on my aforementioned guilty pleasure.

Yeah, there is something viscerally painful about hurting someone you never meant to hurt and never having them forgive you... At it's core, it is guilt, regret, and maybe even shame... I hope his book and his open apology set him free regardless of what his mother does....

Goals for 2011 (and the past 6 months)

Stop using stereotypes when dealing with people, remember we are all
individuals.

Continue the process of shedding engrained views and expectations- live more deliberately.

Total recognition and acceptance of myself - make this public

Set clear goals on a regular basis - both concrete and abstract. Write them out.

Make it a point to develop deeper relationships with those in my life
and express an express appreciation for them on a regular basis
through calls, letters and small thoughtful gifts.

Be more chaste, and stop wasting time chasing things simply to fill my time

Work to be less abrasive with my perpetually iconoclastic views

Go back to work

Be more patient and less judging

Live out my spiritual/philosophical views... Develop them on a regular basis

When negative emotions arise - acknowledge them and reflect on them. Don't ignore them or find ways to busy myself with distractions.

Hunting

Today I kicked my job search into full gear. The Obamabucks run out in a few weeks, and the carefree existence I have been afforded over the past few years is drawing to a close. I called up the last company that made me a job offer in Portland, Oregon and they still seemed interested. The woman said to me, "oh yeah, you're the one that got away." Though it's comforting to know I could likely get a job again, the reality of making such a big decision is a little unnerving.

Compared to the last time I was in this position I feel as though I have a lot more life experience under my belt and a lot more insight from which I can draw on to make my decision. It's a much more difficult choice this time around for several reasons.

I see the fact that I only have a few more chances to "start over" before I get pigeon-holed into a career (maybe I am being short sighted here). I want to make sure the career I choose does not limit me geographically or with respect to salary and that I will be able to enjoy what I do (this entails growth, a flexible schedule with some travel, some measure of sustained interest in the job and regular interaction with people)

The second is the fact that I see my family's mortality staring me right in the face. In all honesty, this is the first time I have really considered life with out my mom or dad and it's a pretty saddening thought. I feel lost when I consider the possibility and a bit of regret if I were to trade a job for time with them. They really are such a huge safety net and source of comfort, even if I don't directly lean on them. I spoke with them about it and dad sort of hinted that he'd be happier if I was away with a "good job" than here being a wanderer. As an aside, after talking with my dad about marriage and jobs it seems that his overarching priority isn't my happiness or emotional/philosophical/spiritual satisfaction but simply that his little boy is safe and healthy. I guess I can't blame him for that. Maybe I should have a conversation with him about the source of my angst rather than the peripheral issues like this (job, relationship, ect).

I also have a very comfortable life here that doesn't require a lot of money, though I think this sense of security might just be a crutch. I have a nice home I am proud of, friends I can rely on, social outlets I can pour myself into, and clear sense of what I can do to make the area better.

In the end I know I could be making a lot more, though I don't really need it. It just annoys me knowing I'd be working below my "fair market value." Part of me just says take the job, pretend it's an extended vacation in the northwest and live it up. The other part of me says no, don't squander the chance to spend time with your family and lose touch with the life you have created. Part of me says it will be here when you get back, but I know good and well that's not true. Nothing stays the same, especially after years. I'd be starting over. Just like I did when I came back from Connecticut.

Anyway, if you have comments leave them below or shoot me an email - I'm all ears...