Broken Glass

A text from a new friend the other day read as follows:

"Do most of your conversations involve forcing the other person to question their beliefs?"

I responded "Only if things are going as planned."

Indians practiced slash and burn agriculture. I do the same to peoples values and pursuits.

Though I might be studying rhetorical tricks to make my questions land like fresh seeds on black earth, I am in no way intending to curb my relentless slaughter of false ideology and pursuit of people who eschew them. I found this list on a Wikipedia article about Sarte's Nausea (yes, I felt it nagging today) which highlights some common ways people live authentically or simply in bad faith. I certainly share in the sentiments:

"members of the bourgeoisie who believe their social standing or social skills give them a "right" to exist, or others who embrace the banality of life and attempt to flee from freedom by repeating empty gestures, others who live by perpetuating past versions of themselves as they were or who live for the expectations of others, or those who claim to have found meaning in politics, morality, or ideology." (emphasis mine)

I have little patience for those (or maybe just envy) for those who claim to find satisfaction (without deep reflection and searching) in the most common pursuits, who claim righteous indignation based upon values which don't withstand serious scrutiny. It's also very frustrating to meet people who get angry at me when I poke at these papier-mache' shrouds they place around their most sacred values. It seems dishonest and disingenuous - especially when I question these values in the same way they attack others.

Yet, at the same time, I hide in my own way (even if I freely admit it).

from the same article...

"But," David Clowney writes, "freedom is frightening, and it is easier to run from it into the safety of roles and realities that are defined by society, or even by your own past. To be free is to be thrown into existence with no "human nature" as an essence to define you, and no definition of the reality into which you are thrown, either. To accept this freedom is to live "authentically"; but most of us run from authenticity. In the most ordinary affairs of daily life, we face the challenge of authentic choice, and the temptation of comfortable inauthenticity."

While I do not mind shattering others ideologies like old televisions hurled out of office buildings onto faded asphault parking lots, I am quietly reluctant to do the same to my own situation. Is this what it means to be a coward - a scared little dog who recoils at the sight of his master's raised hand? I guess taking the first steps down unmapped trails might be easier if I had others who just shared my view of the meaningless/absurdity of it all? It seems like a pitiful and rather lonely sacrifice to go it alone. What good is authenticity if I must live in some strange form of free-range solitary confinement? It's almost like living in a world of zombies and being the only conscious human being left.

Where the sun don't shine

"Life is Suffering" - The First of the Four Noble Truths - Siddhārtha Gautama Buddha

"Suffering is the origin of consciousness"  Fyodor Dostoyevsky

"Life begins on the other side of despair." - Jean-Paul Sartre

Milgram Experiment

It is truly enough said that a corporation has no conscience; but a corporation of conscientious men is a corporation with a conscience. Law never made men a whit more just; and, by means of their respect for it, even the well-disposed are daily made the agents of injustice.

A common and natural result of an undue respect for law is, that you may see a file of soldiers, colonel, captain, corporal, privates, powder-monkeys, and all, marching in admirable order over hill and dale to the wars, against their wills, ay, against their common sense and consciences, which makes it very steep marching indeed, and produces a palpitation of the heart. 

They have no doubt that it is a damnable business in which they are concerned; they are all peaceably inclined. Now, what are they? Men at all? or small movable forts and magazines, at the service of some unscrupulous man in power?

Visit the Navy-Yard, and behold a marine, such a man as an American government can make, or such as it can make a man with its black arts- a mere shadow and reminiscence of humanity, a man laid out alive and standing, and already, as one may say, buried under arms with funeral accompaniments...

Henry David Thoreau, Civil Disobedience, 1849

Trusting strangers

It's good for the soul to be able to trust strangers. I had a very nice Couchsurfer trying to navigate her way through the southeast with nothing but an international phone. I let her borrow my old phone that I wasn't using and she just mailed it back today. There is something very liberating about having things and being able to freely give them to others. Attachment really is a drag.

Slowing down

I have been walking home from work the past few days since I am carless at the moment. It's been really nice. Things are a lot calmer. I heard the breeze, feel the sun and I'm not rushed at all since I don't have anywhere to be. Today I found two old pecan trees on a vacant lot and just had a nice snack from nature's leftovers.

TED Talk: Seduction

This TED talk is about seduction. The speaker argues (and demonstrates) it is a skill that can be learned. The trick is to know when to use it and how to use it. It is building a connection and using it to obtain what we want. Rather than being something scandalous or base, she portrays seduction as a positive form of influence. Charm. Connection. Vulnerability. Appeal. Confidence.

What would a formula look like if we tried to systematically implement it? Here is her list gathered from her travels to Cuba.

• Desire - knowing what you want and being willing to go after it. The corollary is trying to really understand what the other person is missing and being willing to draw it out and provide it. This ties to her point about arousal below. 
• Confidence - if gives you the ability to project yourself and your own image. It is necessary to be able to fully express yourself and remain fearless in the face of likely failure. An interesting, point is how much more confident Cubans are than Americans because they lack a steady stream of advertising to distort how they see themselves.   
• Body Language - Add a simple touch and let your body say what you can't say with words. She could have elaborated on this much more.  
• Arousal -  First you have to connect and interact. It requires undivided attention within the moment.  One must also differentiate between a "no" that means "no," and a "no" that means "maybe." One must draw this out and wake it up like a hibernating bear. 

This is pretty antithetical to most of what I have been trying to do in terms of reducing attachment but I suppose it still has some value. Though it seems difficult to use it effectively without getting too caught up in what you are trying to catch. 

Here's to looking for a middle way....

I am still amazed at the black magic writing seems to have over my life. I can write something on here or something on a to-do list and while I might not get it done that day or that week, it will happen. The delay is the most interesting part. I don't know why it takes so long to go from birthing the idea to implementation. It seems like I would be faster at converting my personal insights into reality.

____

Life notes:

I finished the marathon and totaled my car on the same day (someone ran a red light and hit me). I feel a little accomplished and a tad liberated. I am glad I was able to push through and finish. It's nice to know I am able to do that for myself. As for my lack of car, fortunately I live downtown, so the lack thereof is only really socially isolating and not a terrible inconvenience (besides grocery shopping). I can function without one. I had considered going without a car for 30 days so this may be my opportunity to do so. With the exception of rain, this is about the ideal season for it. If it weren't for my soreness from running I probably would have just started Sunday morning. I did walk home from work today which was a nice way to end the day. It's much more relaxing than sitting in a car in traffic. The fact that my knee hurts made each step a little more mindful, a little more deliberate. It seems like a good thing, at least in the short term. I also think I get an extra $500 if I forego a rental car which should be a good enough incentive to pass on it for a bit. Rewards are nice, they are supposed to be the strongest motivator. Hmmmm..... Maybe I will use the money to buy a new DSLR since I am kind of pushing up against it's technological limits at the moment. Now we are talking! D7000  here we come! OK, I convinced myself.

Now the bigger question is what car should I buy. Do I get a cheap, ugly beater or something fun that I will enjoy driving, but will likely need to sink a little money into. With the exception of getting a sporty convertible (which I would simply enjoy driving - which said differently, would just be a very expensive hobby), anything else I buy would just be for social purposes. It is the broader question of dealing with material possessions. Do I want to keep investing in expensive crap I don't really need?

Saudade

War and Conscience

I have for some time been distantly interested in the trauma that comes from war. It is not at all surprising combat can have such dramatic effects. I had mostly attributed it to the burden of killing another and the absolute disregard for humanity... week after week of burning bodies, the smell of rotting flesh, the destruction of everything we call civilization, the loss of close friends and companions killed protecting each other, the senseless waste of youth and the fresh ranks of those willing to die just as senselessly, the incessant threat of death and never-ending state of stress. It all seems like enough to easily make a man mad and do things he might regret. I told myself that regardless of what happens, do my best not to blame soldiers, blame the awful situation  they are a product of (this means fighting to end war). It also seemed enough to trouble a man for his whole life. However, the nature of warfare has changed a since Vietnam yet PTSD rates are as high as ever (though we do admittedly incentivize it and are much more open to acknowledging it when it happens). But today I encountered a completely different theory. I came across the passage below, which is actually a summary of the book Achilles in Vietnam: Combat Trauma and the Undoing of Character. I thought this was a universal lesson worth sharing. To violate one's conscience is not something to be taken lightly. It's also a reminder of the role authority can play in manipulating others and the responsibility of such positions. 

I want to expand on this a little. I think it's not just limited to soldiers  If we violate our conscience, our sense of "what's right," it seems entirely possible it could lead to difficultly reestablishing meaning and value in "normal life." In many ways we are all directly by our moral core (whatever it may be - differences are not really important at this level - just that we have a basis). War challenges most people's basic value system and not an an indirect way. I think this trait of survivalism isn't all that uncommon in urban, gang-ridden hoods and our prison system and might be yet another reason integration for those on the periphery is so difficult. It's interesting that many gang initiations begin with some form of senseless violence such as beating or robbing a stranger. I wonder if this is so they can share in the same torment as their leaders. 

No turning back now...

I somewhat impulsively decided to run a marathon tomorrow. Here is my checklist:

1) coolmax wicking socks, underwear, shorts and shirt
2) $20 for emergencies - or snacks :)
3) iPod nano and headphones
4) ibuprophen for after race (aspirin before and during)
5) chapstick
6) eye drops
7) body glide to stop skin abrasion
8) bandaid for my always sensitive nipples
9) TP just bc this is one time it matters
10) race number

which reminds me I forgot my sunglasses.... And a trashbag to stay warm early on (and in case it rains)

Here's to hoping I can actually push through the cold and pain and finish tomorrow. Kind of annoyed it's a 13.1 mile loop and not a true 26.2 mile course. That will kill my motivation a good bit towards the end. The nice thing is it starts a block from my office and comes almost that close to my house, later in the course - I thought that was kind of nice. I like how my memories are starting to get entertwined. 

I was pretty nervous about it Thursday and I meditated during lunch. It was kind of surprising to me as I started to isolate the cause of the anxiety. I am not sure where it originated, but as I slowly drifted into a deeper phase of meditation I distinctly heard a voice that said "I don't want to do this. Im scared. This is really going to hurt." The strange thing was, as soon as i acknowledged it, it melted away and just as quickly, my anxiety was transformed into resolve. That is the second time I have had a meditative experience like that.

Well, I'm about to go load up on empty carbs and get a good night's rest as soon as the Quaker couchsurfer gets here.

Wish me luck!

How to help

Time, talent and treasure

TED Talk - Extreme lifestyle experiment

The youtube summary of this TED talk says it all. It certainly ties in with my own series of 30 day challenges. 

Colin Wright is a 25-year-old serial entrepreneur, minimalist, and blogger who moves to a new country every 4 months based on the votes of his readers. While travelling, Colin starts up new business endeavors, manages his existing projects, and engages in extreme lifestyle experiments—from not wearing black for half a year to going completely paperless—in order to gain new perspective and to inspire others to make positive changes to their lives that might otherwise seem impossible. Colin writes about entrepreneurship, minimalism, and long-term travel at ExileLifestyle.com. "I wish that the knowledge that humanity has amassed could be evenly and universally available to everyone on the planet, allowing more people to have access to the resources that will allow them to contribute to the global conversation, take care of themselves (and others), and pursue further innovation."

He started with a project he called Circadian 3 (whic is now a cool website for his various projects). Every day he wrote a short story, made a drawing and took a photo. He talked about how it required him to take his camera with him everywhere. He talked about how it turned everything into a composition. In many ways, it sounds like it taught him to find beauty in each moment – more broadly to find gratitude – mindfulness. He said in no uncertain terms this was the most beneficial aspect of all his projects. He relays a personal story of his parents backyard that he had seen every day for a decade and how it took this project to see it as finally worthy of a project. I can relate my own very similar experience.

When I went on my cross country trip, my camera was always in my pocket. I think I took around 10,000 photos during that two month adventure. That averages out to just over one photo per mile. I certainly didn’t keep that many photos, but I did see that many moments worthy of pause. That is a great change indeed.  

From his experiment he realized his lifestyle wasn’t currently what he wanted. From there he laid out a plan to deal with those things. It’s clear from the video he is an ENTP and it’s no surprise his advice is both useful for me and addresses the common weakness of ENTPs (we need to get our alone time, identify which feelings are causing us the most drama, we need to plan [even the details], and we need structure and order – he has laid out a path to keep him (and most ENTPs) happy which is a constantly changing lifestyle. I would guess for many (though they would probably never encounter this video anyway) they continually do the things on this list anyway (but their goal would be to maintain a consistent lifestyle).

1.  Identify problems – what is causing the most drama in your life (this requires time alone and a moment to reflect on one’s feelings)
2.  Plan – lay out the steps you need and put in the necessary infrastructure to make this happen, for him it was a website. It also caused him to look at the concrete . To focus on the physical limitations that were keeping his ideas from becoming a reality.
3. Create Rules and Guidelines – This gives you a way to objectively measure the benefits of the change. Set out a list of what you will and will not do during the experiment. Also, most importantly, set an end date.
4. Jump  In – just do it (stop the paralysis by analysis). Make a decision and follow through.

New Business Cards

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living 
I want to know what you ache for 
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom 
you have studied. 
I want to know what sustains you 
from the inside 
when all else falls away. 

I want to know if you can be alone 
with yourself 
and if you truly like the company you keep 
in the empty moments." 

-Oriah, The Invitation

February Reflections

Well, I promised myself I would sit back monthly and reflect on what I had written and measure my progress against my own goals. I actually did a pretty good job. Broadly, I have added more structure and have continued to keep the "noise" in my life to a minimum. I am also funneling my time and energy into the things I care about rather than chasing pleasure of just staying distracted.

Writing keeps me grounded with myself as I look inward. It keeps my extroverted side in check. It moderates my tendency to drift aimlessly. It helps me get in touch with emotions I might ignore or overlook. It causes me to seriously consider the practical challenges to ideas I might have. It really forces me to reverse every innate tendency I have. I also

Areas to improve:

I laid out some goals (and some more here). Below are the ones I still need to address:



5) Mindfulness/Meditation/Gratitude

• I have done a better job, but could be more diligent here though - consider making it a morning ritual from now on - at least for 10 mins. I also need to read about Siddah Yoga). I will try to do this before I go to work in the morning. I will adjust my wake up time to make time for it starting Tuesday. I should also probably take a short walk in the mornings just to wake up a little beforehand so I am not tempted to fall back asleep. This will require an earlier bedtime. 

7) Better communication

• I have books on this now and have done some reading. I have actually used Chat Roulette for this purpose as well. It's an easy way to practice breaking the ice and keeping a conversation interesting while facing a very critical audience who has no repercussion for clicking next)

8) Engaging (and new) Hobbies

• Threw a lot more effort at photography, signed up to mentor at Epworth, joined a monthly poker game,  I still have time for something I could do every other week or so. A sports team would be fun. Need to do some more thinking)

9) Find problems in Columbia that I can work on. Find issues at work that can be improved.What divisive issues can I work on ameliorating to create more harmony?

• Made no progress here. However today I learned that the Charter for Compassion actually has city chapters. Could be something worth looking into. I did email a few UU's and Quakers to see if anyone would be interested in helping.

10) Plan a few trips. Find some odd communities or events within 100 miles to be a part of.

• Did not make any progress in this area. Need to spend some down time at work on this. Ask friends as well what they enjoy. Particularly those in neighboring states

12) Do more things/activities. I tend to spend my time "hanging out" or noodling around online. To make better use of my time I will need to do a little more planning and research (Free Times, meetup.com, FB events, Unigram, ect).

• Spent some time looking up events in FT, but I didn't use it very extensively. I should spend at least an hour a week reviewing these resources and finding things I would enjoy doing. 

13) Be more grateful.

• Need to do a lot more in this regard. I should find gratitude at least as often as I find something critical to say. It has been an incredibly powerful tool to completely flip the way I see certain issues in life.

13) Spend time identifying and developing my strengths

• Spent some effort on this, solicited advice from friends. Need to follow up over the next week or two. I can also spend some of my own time on this (maybe meditate on it). Ask mom? Relatives? Long-time close friends?

14) Make a personal mission statement and write out values.

• Did not make any progress here beyond my initial post. I should review tenants of different faiths (UU seven principles for instance) Ray Dalio's manifesto, service organizations (such as the rotary club), George Washingtons' rules of civility for ideas. This doesn't have to be a very fast process. I could try to find one life principle each month and continually compile them. I just need to seriously put effort into this. It is too important to just sort of assume it's all neatly organized in the back of my head. 

Gratitude:

• My parents celebrated their 39th wedding anniversary this week. While I know that their marriage has not been one characterized by effusive romantic displays, they deeply care about each other. While it wouldn't be the basis for any movie script, it's their own little fairy tale. They look after each other and really do love each other unconditionally (you have to with how grumpy my dad was in the past). As much as I might have wanted my parents to have a more chipper marriage, they have what matters most. An honest promise to love each other until "death do them part." That is all anyone can really ask for. It's a reminder that even if it doesn't work out like you imagine, it can all work out alright. 
• I have everything I need in life. A girl recently asked me "What would you buy if you had $1000 right now." I had to think about it for a while. I decided I would get a new oven to make my roommates happy, maybe a new camera, and to really indulge a plane ticket to an exotic location. Honestly, I don't care about any of those things. I am glad she asked. It's helped me to be more generous.
• Government services. I have really enjoyed the library lately. I went by on my lunch break Thursday and was able to just read for an hour. It's really nice. As much as I might want to criticize government, libraries are wonderful public service. 

Exercise and Productivity

It has been almost two months since I started running and doing yoga regularly (in addition to lifting weights). I have also been unusually productive over the past few days. This week alone I made my photography website, went through my old photos, did a shoot Saturday, designed new business cards, have been doing a lot more reading cleaned my house and organized my room, cooked dinner for friends, cleaned my car, tackled a list of to-dos I had put off for a while, wrote a ton, and stuck to my usual routine (working out for instance) even when I didn't want to.

I do not think the two are unrelated.

One video (start at 11:00 - however the whole video is jammed packed with solid information - the guys is loaded with data and is a fast talker) highlighted research which showed the effects on executive function (the part of the brain which helps with self control and decision-making [think ADHD-style impulsiveness of which I tend to be guilty]) can be greatly enhanced by twice weekly (for about 20 minutes) aerobic exercise (It also reduces the risk of Alzheimer's by half). This is in addition to the well-known effects on sleep, mood (as an aside, it seems plausible that the two are related given how classical stimulants work to deal with ADHD - would be an interesting area of research) and general health. Obviously,  with this additional piece of information, the decision to exercise became a "no-brainer."

I just wanted to document this and see if the effects persist. It will be useful to reflect on in months/years to come. It's also useful for anyone who might be unaware of the cognitive effects of exercise.