Looking backward, Looking forward

'For last year's words belong to last year's language And next year's words await another voice.'
-T.S. Eliot

For the past two years I have led the annual fire communion at my church. It's an annual ritual we created to reflect on the past year and look forward to the next. In the first part we write out our regrets/losses/failures for the past year on little slips of paper and burn them. In the second part, we light a candle for what we hope to do in the upcoming year. I do my best to draw out these emotions and lay out some ways of setting goals and achieving them.

Below is an outline of the homily for that service that I wanted to share.

It begins with a brief history lesson....

A Two Faced God
January was made for New Year's reflections and goals. Originally the calendar was based on lunar cycles and the first month was actually March, to coincide logically with spring. However, as subsequent Romans sought to improve both the accuracy and consistency of our calendar, they increased the number of months from 10 to 12 and changed the order. January eventually became the first month. January was named for the god Janus, the two faced man with one face looking to the past and the other to the future. This is the perfect metaphor for why we are here today: to look at the last year and decide what we could do differently in the new year. 

To symbolize these decisions, we will burn our regrets on small slips of paper and light candles for what we hope to accomplish in the year ahead. 

Detroit Real Estate
I looked at the ashes from all the papers to throw them in the trash where they belong and couldn't help but be frozen on three little words that remained: "Detroit Real Estate"

I don't know the story tied to this tightly held memory, but intuition tells me it was either a family home or an investment gone awry. Someone had struggled long and hard to preserve this far away box, but there is no amount of wishing, hoping or worrying that is going to make it any better. What will be will be. There is a very real chance that home may end up like that little piece of charred paper, but hopefully that unnamed soul will sleep a little easier tonight as they loosened their grip on preservation and accepted a bitter reality.   

Regrets, I've had a few

In the same way, it is our time for our somber reflection. It is time to clear the temple of the mind. It is time for emotional reconciliation. In our busy lives we often fail to take time needed to process these events and today we do it together. 

Here are some common sources of discontent. Which have you been most affected by?

• Conflicts: with our children, siblings, parents, friends and business partners. 

• Death: the loss of these people in our lives. Perhaps it was a job, or a bad investment or a pet. 

• Illness: Have you had to battle a difficult disease or support a friend or family with one?

• Failure: Did you fail to accomplish a goal this year due to lack of preparation or effort?

So we ask ourselves what have we done or what has happened that we wish hadn't happened? What part of reality are we still clinging to that is far from what we want? What are our hidden scars? Our ''Detroit Real Estate?"

Friendly Fire 

Or, perhaps it's just a self defeating, repetitive thinking. Hugh Prather in Notes to Myself has a wonderful quote on this topic:   Often my surroundings and situations can feel boring, but it is not the world that I have grown tired of, it  is my tired, stale, repetitive thinking that I loathe. 


What thoughts or habits fail to serve a purpose?

  

We all have our own unique, and sadly predictable cycle of negative thoughts that we play on repeat until something snaps us out of it. Sometimes these thoughts just suck the life out of our situations, sometimes it is self sabotage, emotional friendly-fire.  

We have to identify them and actively stop the repetition. It could be through mindfulness, meditation, prayer, literally pinching yourself or removing yourself from people, places and things that initiate these negative thoughts. It may require us to find new friends, exploring new ideas whether they be film, art music or places, to get more sleep, more exercise, or a better diet.

It addition to cycles of negative thoughts it is also easy to wallow in self-pity and miss the world around us. I am reminded of a poem by Rumi about a lover who can't see the beautiful world around him because he is caught up in longing desire. 

Come to the garden in Spring
There's wine and sweethearts
In the pomegranate blossoms
If you come, these will not matter.
If you do not come, these will not matter

In many ways this is process is like a crucible. In the same way that metal is heated to burn away impurities, we too bring our troubles and lay them down and burn them away.  We will be making space in our minds and lives for other things

Looking Forward

As a part of the fire communion we will all have the opportunity to light a candle for the things we hope to accomplish later this year. – a simple light guiding our path. I hope to lay out several ways of illuminating the path of success. I want to offer several techniques I have used and some I have researched to help with actually implementing the resolutions we make for ourselves. 

But first I want to share a few quotes about new year's resolutions. Think about how you view the annual tradition: 

• Many people look forward to the new year for a new start on old habits.  ~Author Unknown
• 
  
• A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.  ~Author Unknown

I also want to share a few common goals. Here is a list from USA.gov

• Lose Weight
• Volunteer to Help Others
• Quit Smoking
• Get a Better Education
• Get a Better Job
• Save Money
• Get Fit
• Eat Healthy Food
• Manage Stress
• Manage Debt
• Take a Trip
• Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle

This is mostly a list of Puritanical, self-imposed restrictions. They aren't fun. While they will still be useful and necessary for some, perhaps we can do more. Here is another author's humorous take on "30 resolutions for those who can't think for themselves" I have taken a few.

• Put your phone away at dinner
• Laugh more. That means: socialize more often, drink more, have long lazy brunches, throw parties, host wine infused game nights. Be spontaneous… Upgrade your friends if necessary.
• Don’t just rely on the gym. Remember that feeling of playing a competitive sport as a kid, when you’re on the field, and not thinking about anything else. Most of us have forgotten what that feels like. So join a team or find someone to play tennis with. “A guy came up to me at the gym and asked me what event I was training so hard for. Life, buddy.”

While this were a little more entertaining, I am sure that many of you view the concept of New Year's resolutions as pointless. Perhaps laughable? a waste of time? If so, I would like to challenge you to think about them differently. To view them (on Jan 1 and more importantly throughout the year) as a reflection of your own values and as an integral part of your own growth. It's a chance to work towards what we want. It's just a reminder, and a good time for it since we are usually not working and stuck indoors.

My goal today is to get you excited about life and its possibilities. This isn't a season to impose puritanical self restraint, it's a season to open yourself to what you can be and imagine how much you can grow over the next 12 months. It's a time to dream. I simply want to pollinate your mind with ideas and hopefully spark a few small changes.

First, there is nothing wrong with seeking your own happiness. In fact, I don't think we'd want to be in a world where those around us aren't happy. It's essential. Which brings me to a very important thought:

If losing weight isn't something you want to do, don't impose it on yourself.

Here, a quote from Tolstoy is useful:

"Changes in life must come from a conscience that cannot bear it any other way, not mental resolution to try a new form of life" 

But that's for one type of change. Those which are causing us harm and we want to stop. There is another, more important aspect that we should focus on: 

"WHAT IS ALIVE IN YOU?" What brings you joy, what makes you feel. Focus on that for a moment

This is why we are here today.

FINDING A GOAL

Again focus on the phrase, "What is alive in you?" The goal is to uncover things that you believe in and that excite you. 

Obvious choices: focus on your long term dreams. Pick something on your bucket list. What have you wanted to do since you were a child?  Note that there is nothing wrong with doing something for yourself. Life was meant to be savored and appreciated. I don't think any of us would want to be in a world where we didn't have the opportunity to pursue out our deepest hopes. 

More generally, I think things can be broken up into several main categories (physiology, peace & spiritual engagement, meaningful relationships, learning, variety and caring for others). Try to find something in the area you would benefit the most from. 

• Physiology - improve diet sensibly (eliminate soda for instance), get more sleep, exercise at least three times a week, get a comprehensive physical. Pick a physical challenge (run a marathon, hike a mountain, do something big) and stretch yourself. Make it fun: bike around a new city, join a sports team, try something new like yoga
• Seek peace and spiritual engagement: Come to church more. Perhaps you need to be less materialistic. Get rid of junk you don't need, stop buying more of it, and donate everything to goodwill or friends who might appreciate it. Get rid of people in your life that just suck up time and energy to make room for something else. Keep a gratitude journal and build appreciation for what you have 
• Meaningful relationships: Build human connections. Life is a centrifuge. Marriage, babies, new jobs, and divorce all seem to be acting against close friendships. Our world is not stationary. We have to work much more than prior generations to keep our relationships intact and to keep people in our lives. Join a circle supper, start a dinner party with your friends, start a poker night, or a pickup sports  team. You'll meet similarly minded people in the process. start a regular dinner party. Try to make 2-3 new close friends and make an effort to connect with them on a regular basis. Write more letters to your friends. Put your phone away at dinner. Come to church more. 
• Stimulate your mind: Try to take a religious education class, join the UU book club, join a local club: there are clubs in Columbia for film, photography, gardening, poetry,  political discussion, biking, vegan eating. Pick 10 interesting books you want to read, sign up for a free online course with one of the world's best universities on EdX, try to watch one TED talk per week, sign up for a twitter account and be the curator of your own information from anyone you want in the world. 
• Break the monotony: Create some intentional changes in your life. Grab a copy of the Free Times every Wednesday and check out the 8 days a week section, go to one of our many concert venues (NBT, Music Farm, Conundrum, UU coffeehouse). Take a roadtrip once a month.  
• Care for others: Identify an organization you would like to be a part of, call them, and figure out how you can help at least once a month. Epworth, harvest hope, meals on wheels, a suicide hotline, a bicycle co-operative. 

Executing on the Goal

Once you have found something you believe in, here are some helpful tips to help you achieve them:

• Be OK with baby steps

• Don't try to stop doing things. Make new habits

• Break it into pieces (30 day challenges)

• Use the power of writing

• Make it measurable:

• Have a general plan 

More detailed advice:

• Plan – lay out the steps you need and put in the necessary infrastructure to make this happen, for him it was a website. It also caused him to look at the concrete . To focus on the physical limitations that were keeping his ideas from becoming a reality.
• Create rules, guidelines and measure progress – This gives you a way to objectively measure the benefits of the change. Set out a list of what you will and will not do during the experiment. Also, most importantly, set an end date. Open ended projects seem impossible because they likely are.
• Jump  In – just do it (stop the paralysis by analysis). Make a decision and follow through. I remember when I wanted to run a marathon. I realized the training program was actually more difficult than actually running the marathon and that was what was keeping me from doing it. In March of last year I saw a flyer for the Columbia marathon. I walked over to the hotel where registration was and paid my registration fee. I was in. I didn't set any speed records, but I finished. Sometimes one just has to:

Just Do It

The most effective for me was to break up the new years resolutions and tackle them individually. One was to watch a TED Talk everyday  (I would highly recommend this idea) and in the process of doing that I encountered a talk that really reinforced and clarified this idea. One talk suggested that people should assign goals for 30 days at time. The speaker suggested that this was just about the right amount of time to break an old habit or form a new one. He had some quite creative and difficult ones such as writing a novel in 30 days or biking to work every day for a month. 

Some of the biggest benefits are:

• Life is more memorable. These challenges mark time very well.
• Increased self-confidence. You begin to believe in your own abilities
• More open to new experiences/challenges.  

The biggest realization was that small changes can add up to big differences. Giving up meat was a good example of this. While calling myself a vegetarian was a big leap and not something I was sure I was ready for, it was quite easy to not eat meat for one month. Ultimately these short term acts of will help to create a larger impact as they are much more likely to alter behavior for years instead of days. It's also a good way to convince myself to do something. I think I often feel the pressure to either give up things forever or not bother at all. This "test drive" tends to be much easier to accomplish. 

I am reminded of a conversation I had with a friend last week about fasting. He said he actually went 10 days without food and probably could have gone longer had he promised himself beforehand. HOWEVER had he promised to go much longer, he likely would not have been able to convince himself to start at all. A short term goal helped to initiate action.  

Write it Out

A final, and crucially important aspect to this was to write down my goals. Sometimes I feel like writing is like a magic wand. It's easy to throw and bounce around ideas in my head, but writing does several things. It forces one to refine his thinking. 

It's also very easy to lie to delude ourselves. Writing has a way of forcing us to be slightly more honest and reflective about who we are. It's easy to have conflicting or half baked ideas bouncing around in our brains but that will become painfully obvious as we put pencil to paper.  

Writing also frees up our working memory to pursue novel or complex solutions. Our working memory only has space for about 7 numbers and this simply isn't enough to solve many of the problems we face on a daily basis. Writing also has a way of drawing out what is sometimes difficult to express. This is often the most essential part of working through problems. Writing also preserves our thought so we can easily add to them later without having to resolve the problem. It also allows for us to measure growth over time and see if we have lived up to our own expectations. 

Self Actualization

We all like to dream. Dreaming is easy. It's easy to have a vision of ourselves that is at odds with reality. The difficult part is identifying what makes us excited about life and then setting the things in place to make that happen. I hope each of you can take a few small steps towards making that happen. 

Appreciating what I have

"Changes in life must come from a conscience that cannot bear it any other way, not mental resolution to try a new form of life"

-Leo Tolstoy

"I really want to clear my life to make it so that I have to make as few decisions as possible about anything except how to best serve this community... I'm in this really lucky position, where I get to wake up every day and help serve more than a billion people. And I feel like I'm not doing my job if I spend any of my energy on things that are silly or frivolous about my life," 

-Mark Zuckerberg on why he wears the same outfit every day

I have been focused on decluttering my life for the past month or two. The obvious manifestation of this has been getting more organized and getting rid of unnecessary possessions which have led to piles of things I've sent to Salvation Army, but it's also played out in how I use my time and focus my energy. I like being around people and as a result I'd invited in a lot of people who weren't helping me grow and were leading to frustration and anxiety. I deleted numbers and unfollowed people on social networks and I breathe a lot easier. In the same way that it's now easier to find something to wear, my relationships are also better.  

I appreciate what I have more.  I actually iron my clothes. I EVEN USE STARCH! They are placed neatly in drawers. My friends now receive letters and I try to call/visit more. 

I made the comment to my friend at work that I was trying to be a minimalist and favor quality over quantity and he said 'Oh, like the opposite of your dating life" with a wry grin. It was true. That's cleaned up too. 

It's been kind of strange for me though. I walk in to my house and it's all just open and clean and clutter free. I change into some comfortable sweat pants and just enjoy the space. I think having lots of unorganized crap in a room promotes lots of disorganized thoughts. Every drawer I opened was a reminded I needed to do or read. Now everything is neatly laid out and I know where it is.  I also don't have an overwhelming desire to always be doing something. I enjoy what I have and that's at least temporarily satisfying. 

The oddest thing happened the other night as a result of this. I was going to go make myself work out and run some errands and instead I just let myself rest, and I had the most amazing sleep and the happiest dreams. I have been riding myself too hard and searching to hard and only after creating a nice quiet simple place have I been able to see that I have been mentally/emotionally/physically running around like a squirrel in traffic. 

Perhaps it's also because I just turned 30. I feel like this is the year I transition to manhood (whatever that means). I am setting aside so many things from my youth lately. I don't know what this means, but my thoughts do feel like they are solidifying and that also means I am getting mentally closer to a stable longer relationship. I have always been so reluctant to date (but always wanting to) because I didn't know where I was going to be or what I was going to be like in 5 years. I still don't know but I don't suspect it will be terribly different from what I am now. In the past I have also just been willing to take whatever I can get and now I feel like I am more discriminating about what I want. I am tired of pointless relationships. 

I think this goes back to one sentence I saw in an article on decluttering/minimalism. One of the authors said do not buy anything that does not "spark joy." I think it's a good universal rule for things beyond household possessions. I think the lesson is slowing permeating.   

Demarcation

I am far too discriminating to be this easy-going when it comes to dating. I have a very clear picture of what I want, I know the type of person I can attract, and yet I continually waste energy on fruitless relationships. This is a poor use of my time, my mental and emotional energy, and my money. I would be better served by staying at home and reading or writing than going on meaningless dates. Alternately, I could invest his time in the friends and quality relationships that I too often neglect. Tonight was a good lesson in what not to do, and I should learn from my mistakes.

Reality just rang the doorbell and came with a delivery

The slow march of Death has a way of quietly advancing under the surface and then popping up after it  has made huge advances. My dad has been slowly getting worse over the past few months and between the chemo, radiation and tumors he is a wilted version of the man he was earlier this year. He’s lost all of his hair, his face is swollen, and his legs are thin. This week he had unexplained swelling in his face which has turned the bags under his eyes into fluid filled sacs like some sort of bubble eyed goldfish. He’s feeling ill all over, and the fact that he’s been confined indoors for the past few months (from a lack of balance and doctor’s orders to avoid the sun) is taking its toll on his spirit. He’s starting to suffer.

Until a week or two ago I have been able to find comfort in the fact that in spite of his appearance he was in good spirits and not in a lot of pain. While I knew things were advancing internally, I have carried around the feeling that things might have been stable and we might have a plateau for a few months. I didn’t feel too bad about the situation because it hadn’t gotten ugly. I could live in the moment and not worry what was around the corner. Well that moment is here.

I want to blame the medicine for his recent problems but the oncologist thinks it is probably related to his tumor. I don’t really know what’s going on, but at this point everything seems pointless and I just want my father to have dignity as he slips away and experience as little pain as possible. This process doesn’t seem helpful and whatever time they may be giving him, they are taking back from him with all of the doctor’s visits.

I don’t really know what I am feeling right now.  Looking back on my life I am a little resentful for the lack of relationship I have had with my father and how I haven’t had the chance to do the types of things that other guys do to connect with each other – hunting, fishing, hiking, and all of the things fathers and sons should do with each other. I feel like I haven’t been able to bond with as many guys because of it. He’s also been harsh and critical and now those traits live in me. But there is nothing that can be done about that, much like his smoking. What is done is done. It must be accepted. There is no point or benefit from dwelling on that. However, I am annoyed he hasn’t been more open while he still has the chance. I guess I have expected him to crack open, bear his soul and say all sorts of things he’s never said to me. I have wanted him to acknowledge what’s happened, and maybe his regrets if he has any. Just to hear he wanted things to be differently than they were would be nice. I don’t mind we are broken, flawed people but I do what to be able to know the soul of my father. He’s been too guarded. I don’t know how to crack the stone shell he has around his feelings.

I also feel like I am too young to lose a parent. I feel like I am slowly becoming some sort of orphan. It’s a strange feeling of being exposed to the world. I’ve always viewed my parents as sort of a front line defense for whatever problems the world throws at me. The image of a strong, protective father is now just a memory from my childhood. While we haven’t had the rosiest relationship, I knew they were there if I needed them. That counts for a lot. I know mom is still here, but I do feel like I am facing some sort of nakedness or vulnerability. The kid in me still feels like I should have a daddy, and I probably won’t next year barring a miracle.  

Failure to Launch

“A good friend is cheaper than therapy”

-Author Unknown

When I reviewed my list of principles and New Year's Resolutions, the one line that made my heart happy was "build a network of solid friends." So far, I have utterly failed at this goal for the year. I haven’t been consistent at all. I need to stop hanging out with girls as much and invest that time in to building deep relationships with people I connect with on an emotional and spiritual level. I need to work more on building deep connections with friends & family and less seeking romance. Ironically as a result of investing all of my time looking for companionship that I have actually sacrificed (or at least ignored) the most obvious source for company: good friends.

I also haven't done a lot of planning around this goal and as a result, my progress here has suffered. Below are the easy things I should be doing that I have dropped the ball on:

• Get out of the house. I spend a lot of time online after work, especially now that I have let my gym membership lapse. In the past two months I have done an ok job of getting out of the house more, but during my last relationship I didn’t do a lot. I let myself fall into a small little world.
• Attending interesting lectures/events/groups (USC lectures/presentations, visiting new churches, scheduling visits with friends, going to new fitness clubs, keeping my discussion group going). If I am going to something I find interesting, chances are other people there will also have similar interests. These events are also generally good places to go to break the monotony of life and learn something new.
• Be a better friend:
•  Scheduling lunch/dinner/drinks with people I already know and find interesting. The hard part (making a connection) is already done. Just build on what’s there
• Sending notes/cards/gifts to friends to check in on them and to see how their lives are going. I don’t do a good job of letting people know I care and some might even think I don’t.
• Encourage existing friends. Am I helping them to live up to their potential or just using them as a way to entertain myself or fend off lonliness.
• Don’t hog the conversation. I have a tendency to talk too much and not listen. I am depriving myself of learning anything new and being the type of company I wouldn’t want around.
• Care about people more than ideas. Sometimes I will place “being right” over the people in my life. Usually this is over a personal disagreement, but sometimes I allow it to happen over dumb things like political views.
• Be more open to the people I meet each day. Smile & strike up a conversation. In these instances I also need to be less confrontational. Just nod my head and smile.  

Hostility steals clairity

"Judgmentalism is almost always controlled by outside factors. When we become judgmental, we are often controlled by the very groups we fight. Outside enemies control our agenda. We can't leave them alone. They determine our thinking in that we must rail against them. We become far more able to tell others what we are against, rather than what we are for. We may feel pushed around and our paranoid defensiveness my snarl with yet another rebuke of something. We must condemn. Thus, we are not free to initiate, share or offer our perspective. We are compulsively driven to conquer anything that does not look like us."

-Terry Cooper, Making Judgments Without Being Judgmental

I am too disagreeable. I need to be less argumentative/confrontational especially when:

1) meeting new people
2) it's a small issues
3) dealing with authority figures and other people who have the capacity to make life difficult

People open up more, like you more and feel like they are being heard when you agree with them, or at a minimum express how someone could hold a similar opinion. I read something today that basically said that no one thinks they are wrong. While sort of obvious, I always expect people to change their minds when confronted with better ideas. Most people aren't like that -- they have egos they like to defend. Challenging ideas means challenging them personally. This is unfortunate, but I think it's generally true. I need to wise up to the realities of personality.

The trouble with wandering (intellectually and physically) is that few people will be able to understand/relate to the journey and the unique combination of ideas that shape ones mind and views on reality. I have friends but they won't fully grasp my situation on my problems that they aren't struggling with the same concepts (religious, psychological, existential). I guess what I am saying is that independence in someways breeds a peculiar form of loneliness - that's what I can't ever seem to shake. My searching brings me joy, but in many ways separates me from the people that I want to be close to. I often feel like my interests are viewed as strange or unnecessary, which only makes me feel like a loner despite my steady supply of company.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I have been running with sharp objects
in my mind
unintentional injury;

set them down
and go run and play

Not as simple as dry erase markers
but the same as forgiveness

Words to chew on

"You can never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete."
-Buckminister Fuller

I am very good about managing large purchases and cutting out repetitive expenses and thinking of their impact in years or decades. I need to start being as frugal with my time as I am with my money.

I don't think about time the same way that I do money. Perhaps I do not currently value it is much, but that is a topic for another day.

My father is slowly dying
Cancers grow within him
Medicine, buying time at best
I've gone home almost every week for the past three months
I just sit there on the couch
Words chained inside me
A stone rolled in front of my lips and another weighs on my heart
I sit there, just listening to ESPN and Fox News
So much to say, but I hear the TV announcers, not my own voice
we've never gone there
We don't talk about feelings
and I don't know how to now, with him

I'll be back again next week, to sit
To wait
Hoping I can speak what I feel

Conflict & Peace

"There are men who are belligerent by nature, men who are always embroiled in some kind of fight. On the other hand, there are men who are peaceable by nature, and who quietly avoid all controversy of any kind. Then there are also those peaceable men who yet love principle more than peace. Such men are sometimes involved in a fray in spite of themselves. They fling themselves into the midst of a struggle they would have been glad to avoid, because an issue is at stake which is more important than peace."

http://www.uuma.org/Page/BSE1950

My Principles

• Love yourself and others
• Believe in yourself, but know your strengths & accept your weaknesses 
• Attend to your body, avoid intentional injury to it 
• Think deeply. Be skeptical. Accept doubt.
• Be reliable
• Be frank
• Be polite, share a smile
• Be thankful, and express it
• When confused: write, ask for help, and seek solitude 
• Always have goals and plans
• Don't worry over things you can't control

Principles for Myself

Make sure I meet my basic biological needs. While solipsism does make sense and is probably the most logical philosophical framework, it feels untrue. Of course of I could have woken up this morning, or my existence could have began moments ago with  a fabricated past, but my intuition pushes against this with all of its might. I believe my family, friends and experiences are real. I believe the people I meet live lives similar to mine.

We life in a concrete, biological world. We live, we die. There may be something greater than humanity that we cannot perceive (most people call this G-d) but I do not think this presence intervenes to change the laws which govern our reality. Gravity persists, electromagnetism persists, people do not teleport.

However, "miracles" do happen. Though I consider these statistical anomalies. Even quantum mechanics actually forces a probabilistic and not a deterministic reality. It is within this space there is actually the possibility for intervention in a way that seems otherwise improbable, and in this reconition of the improbable I allow for outcomes that might not make intuitive sense - things that people might call coincidence or miracles. Occasionally a hail mary pass or a full court shot will work out. Most of the time it doesn't. This doesn't mean G-d intervened. It means chance exists in our universe. In essence this simply means that I don't have a tightly defined parameter for what reality HAS to be (I stay open minded), but I do have a view of what it should look like and that I am generally skeptical of things that fall outside the bounds of what I perceive as probable.

Ultimately we must all act in faith given our limited faculties and ability to perceive reality. One must make a decision about how they think the world works and the parameters which govern cause and effect. This isn't always as easy as it should be. Because of my upbringing and the fantasy thinking that is fed to children (Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, miracle man Jesus, fanciful tales like Lord of the Rings) what should be obvious took a long time to understand.

I am open to personal revelation, but I won't take someone else's experiences and use them as the basis for my own belief system if this other person's experiences contract what I perceive to be how reality operates.

To be clear, this isn't really all that different than how most people operate. To use an extreme example, take alien abductions. People don't believe this because it seems to defy their own experiences and because it is a very minority position. Oddly however, many people are willing to believe equally peculiar views if they are widely perceived to be true. Religion is replete with these examples. Greek mythology and its tales of Cyclops, native american shaman, African sun gods, the Jewish crossing of the Red Sea, or Jesus walking on water or turning water into wine. I always find it interesting when the very devout criticize other religions but make exceptions for their own claims of the supernatural. I think these views are much more readily accepted when they are presented at a young age by those we trust.

Peer pressure is not a new concept but I am trying to suggest something broader. We are by default less critical of views that come with mass acceptance or are from those that are close to us and we trust (ex. parents, teachers, mentors). We assume they have our best interest at heart, and as a result, tend to be less critical and examining.

It could also be because of a lack of courage. We are all generally afraid to stray too far from mainline views for fear of the consequences of doing so. This is because lots of people form emotional attachment to ideas and view dissenters as attacking them personally and not simply stating a different viewpoint. If someone says they like a certain thing (movie, band, food, team, ect) and another person says they don't, the person who says they liked it usually will take the comment personally. This leads to unnecessary friction, and as a consequence people generally stray away from conflict. People like to be sheep because it is comfortable. It maintains friendships and keeps one insulated from the ire of others. It's easy to be a agreeable. This is why most people do it.

The consequences for deviation can be high -- social exclusion can cost one job opportunities from a smaller network. It also reduces potential mates. Look at the disparate opportunities available to the loner nerdy kid and the cool kid. There is a delicate balance between disagreeing and still maintaining a connection to those who have the capacity to make our lives better. In short, because thinking for yourself can lead to negative outcomes people tend to avoid it. It's just easier to go with the flow.

Unfortunately, I am not currently financially independent and find myself (even while exercising frugality) in a position where I need to please others to maintain my income. Essentially, I must sacrifice some of my autonomy in order to make "the man" happy. I am ok with this but I need to be careful about the things I am willing to sacrifice and be very concious of what I am not willing to sacifice. I should make a list of things I care deeply about and things I do not care all that much about.

For instance, wearing different clothes isn't all that big of a deal, while being asked to be dishonest to make a deal happen would be. I will sacrifice my appearance but not my integrity. I should take an inventory of where I feel am living outside of what I would ideally want to do and make sure I am still preserving some sense of my own identity and core principles.

More broadly,  I need to be more deliberate in my thinking and actions. It is too easy to drift aimlessly through life. This requires observation of my own life, and planning. Pay attention to the thigs that I enjoy and make sure I provide them to myself on a regular basis. Joy is infectious and without being happy with one's own life it is difficult to bring joy to others.

Things that bring me happiness
- Meeting new people who have fresh, thoughtful ways of seeing and pushing the world forward. Meeting people who have a deep capacity to love.
- Seeing new places and new ways of life: morning rituals, religious habits, diet, family structure, ect..
- Hobbies where I can be creative and apply a detailed knowledge of a subject area- photography, gardening

In addition, I also need to be aware of the things that bring negative emotions. To the extent that I can control my thoughts, I should do so; psychology and Buddhism offer very useful advice on  how to do this.  However, invariably certain situations will have a very high likelihood of causing anxiety/anger/fear/sadness and it is simply best to avoid the triggering places/people/situations. Take note of the highs and joys and set aside time to reflect on them. To be deliberate I also need to actively make sure I am not unintentionally adopting the thinking of others.

Another part of being deliberate is achieving goals that I set. There is a burst of happiness as I check the mark of completion, but there is a nice sense of satisfaction and self confidence that comes from a job well done. I feel like I have done something and I feel a sense of purpose in a world of chaos.

In the midst of my purposeful life, remember that whatever I do won't ultimately make that much of a difference. We will all still die and the earth will cease to exist in the distant future. It sounds pessimistic, but life is mostly an exercise in futility. All I can do is enjoy my time here and seek to reduce the suffering of others. This is the only purpose.

This is a strange tension. To live with purpose but to know it doesn't matter. I suppose the antidote to all of this is to simply not take myself very seriously and not get too caught up in the outcome of a given event. Do my best and let that be good enough. I also shouldn't overstate my own importance. While what I do matters a great deal to me, it doesn't matter very much to most of the planet. At best a few thousand people care, more realistically this number is only a couple dozen.

The big questions: What does it mean to enjoy life? What does it mean to not enjoy life (suffering)?

Enjoying life means finding love. Love has many forms. If I was forced to label G-d, I would say it is love. Love takes many forms: gratitude (or loving something and being thankful that it is here), beauty (loving and fully appreciating form), love (caring enough to sacrifice yourself for its preservation), compassion (love in action).

Depression is not loving life. It is being stuck in a state of mind where everything seems pointless. Fear, boredom, anxiety, hopelessness, isolation and ingratitude accompany this feeling. Mindlessness is a different version of a similar sickness. Life is full of amazing, beautiful things. We just have to be in a state of mind to appreciate them. I need to be acutely aware of when I fall into these states of mind.

Core beliefs

Principles originate in beliefs so I shohave experiencedseit would be insufficientmyenuld do my best to outline those:

• The universe is infinite and my mind is finite. Therefore any attempt on my part to grasp reality/truth will be incomplete as I cannot fully comprehend the totality of existence. The same would apply to my belief in G-d
• My ability to perceive reality is limited. Even if I could understand all that I have experienced, it would be insufficient to grasp reality as it truly is, because I can only perceive through my limited five senses (and what I can test indirectly). While I might be able to create generalizations (theories) about how things work, they won’t reflect what is actually happening. Again, even if I could take in all that I encounter perfectly, I am constrained by both my ability to remember it, and more importantly, recall it later. I'd then have to merge it all simultaneously.
• Empiricism (science) has its limits -  we can only measure what we can manipulate. As we gain control of smaller and smaller particles we can get more and more granularity about the essence of matter and how particles interact, but eventually we will hit limits. The same goes at the opposite end of measurement, there are many things too large or too far away to experience/experiment with. I have no opinion on whether matter exists in continuous waves or particles, I just know that within my lifetime there is too much to grasp, and so much we won't figure out, that I know it is pointless to set such a lofty  as a goal.
• Time is limited, but I do have at least the present moment. I will die, but I am still living now. The main takeaway here is that I have a brief amount of time to experience things. I also I don’t have a way to not act/believe/participate. While I may frame my decisions as what I am not doing, I am still doing something.
• Others experience a similar reality as my own. While solipsism is the most logical course of action, my 6^th sense, my intuition tells me this is wrong. It simply doesn’t feel right. I have no logical basis for this. However, In the same way I cannot perfectly understand reality, I also do have faith that I perceive parts of it and I act with the faith that this is what works. I believe it with the same cautious reflective and skeptical understanding that I apply to reality. More generally, I feel that others also have hopes & dreams, experience sadness, want to be loved, get angry when they feel they have been wronged, display compassion to those in need, have a sense of awe and wonder when they see something beautiful and have anxiety about the future. All of these things can change in magnitude, but a large majority of people do share a basic humanity.   

These three facts lead me to several conclusions:

• Doubt is necessary. If I cannot understand, if I cannot perceive, and I cannot remember correctly, all I can do is hope.  
• Highly probable” is a best case scenario. Both because reality involves randomness and because I cannot grasp it fully. 
• I shouldn’t trouble myself too much with my own inability to understand things. I am human and this is the human condition.

These three views influence how I take information from others. I can happily listen, evaluate, process and take in whatever observations, feelings, and views they wish to share. However in the face of our limited powers of perception and competing claims of understanding, I exercise thoughtful consideration. I sift through this collection of human thought and belief and weigh the claims against my own reality. What has worked, what feels true, what makes me feel tied to the world. To the extent that I value and affirm the consciousness and experience of others I should also seek to make their lives as easy as possible. I should seek to end unnecessary suffering (both theirs and mine). 

To be continued...

Self Direction

“Success is getting what you want. Happiness is liking what you get.”

- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

I have made two major mistakes in the past few years. I haven’t really been honest about the things I want, and how my dreams and goals are different from the prototypical suburban American. I have been successful by other people’s standards, but not my own.

The quote below summarizes this problem well:

“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma -- which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”
-Steve Jobs

I need to spend time defining two key areas of my life:

·    What do I truly enjoy doing – what things bring me joy and what are some common themes

·    What are my most basic core principles, and do I live according to them.

The first will be rather easy. I simply need to reflect on the past few years and codify my best experiences. Recognition was the hard part here. Continuing to pursue them in the face of a rather conservative state might be modestly difficult, but that has never really been too much of a problem.

The second part will be much more challenging. It will require work and thought and time. Perhaps that is why I have been avoiding doing it. Perhaps I have been afraid to. I know I have been lazy. The following two quotes from Kant highlight this trouble with unshakling the mind:

“Laziness and cowardice are the reasons why so great a portion of mankind, after nature has long since discharged them from external direction, nevertheless remains under lifelong immaturity, and why it is so easy for others to set themselves up as their guardians. It is so easy not to be of age. If I have a book which understands for me, a pastor who has a conscience for me, a physician who decides my diet, and so forth, I need not trouble myself. I need not think, if I can only pay - others will easily undertake the irksome work for me. That the step to competence is held to be very dangerous by the far greater portion of mankind...”

“Enlightenment is man's release from his self-incurred immaturity. Immaturity is man's inability to make use of his understanding without direction from another. This immaturity is self-imposed when its cause lies not in lack of reason but in lack of resolution and courage to use it without direction from another. Sapere aude! "Have courage to use your own reason!”

There are also dangers of living without clear principles, the biggest is aimlessness and hypocrisy:

“Sometimes we forge our own principles and sometimes we accept others’ principles, or holistic packages of principles, such as religion and legal systems. While it isn’t necessarily a bad thing to use others’ principles—it’s difficult to come up with your own, and often much wisdom has gone into those already created—adopting pre-packaged principles without much thought exposes you to the risk of inconsistency with your true values. Holding incompatible principles can lead to conflict between values and actions—like the hypocrite who has claims to be of a religion yet behaves counter to its teachings. Your principles need to reflect values you really believe in”

-Ray Dalio, Principles

My lack of time spent on core principles is also probably the main culprit for my sense of restlessness. I will plan a weekend away to focus on this and just to write and reflect. I must return to the wilderness.     

_____________________

Reflections on my own life experiences related to the points above:

I feel like I have done things backwards. I have focused on the end goal (wife, family, financial stability) without outlining what type of person I want to be.

I remember the feeling of "what next?" after I left Bridgewater in 2009. I had a great start to my career, had just gone on a 12,000 mile cross country road trip, bought had house, finished my college education with a reasonably respectable degree, own my car, had money in the bank, and was dating a girl I expected to marry at the time. I felt as though I had checked off most of what I wanted to do and was left at a loss. Call it my quarter-life crisis. From there I got a bit creative and slowly checked off a few more things from my bucket list – float down the river for a few days, bike to Charleston, run a marathon, go skydiving. Though none of these were particularly difficult or emotionally/spiritually challenging.  

There was a while where I lived the life I wanted & had a very clear sense of purpose. I worked intently on my home, the community garden, my neighborhood, pushed for local political change, worked diligently towards my personal development, my physical health and had richer relationships with my friends and family because I had the time to spend with them and reflect on where I was weak. I found new hobbies and devoted my time to interesting projects. I felt more free than I ever have. However, others seemed to criticize me or at least look at me disapprovingly for not being on the straight and narrow. Few were able to share in the joy of my uncommon situation. I let this shape my choices and my current situation is the result.

Since grad school, I have, for the most part, spent the past two years doing all the things I needed to do to advance my career and have forgotten to save time for the things that I enjoy. I left my hobbies: I quit watching film, I quit traveling. Generally, I quit being weird. Lately, I have noticed that even my circle of friends has begun to dwindle. While a lot of this is because of life circumstances (marriage, new jobs, kids, graduation, ect) I think part of it is my fault – I haven’t been living a very interesting and rich life and bringing in new minds and faces into my inner circle.

About two weeks ago I made a few concrete steps toward remedying this situation. I found a running group, a weekly cycling ride and a pickup game for ultimate Frisbee. I called a bunch of old friends to schedule dinner and reconnect. These social outlets are important and make me feel alive. This things are fun, but I would also probably benefit from more focused cultivation of my activities – plan regular adventures, continue to reach out to friends (don’t wait for them to reach out), be more courageous about attending events I am interested in even if I can’t find people who want to go. Be more honest with myself about the things I enjoy even if others may find them odd (couchsurfing, visiting new spiritual communities, estate sales, ect).

Slow Learner

“Unrest of spirit is a mark of life.”

           -- Karl Menninger

Recently one of my coworkers commented that I had been carrying around a book on Zen for too long not to have finished it by now. It made me realize how dense the content is. How I can read a page or two, and then spend weeks digesting the content. Almost like a cow chewing cud, I may have to process the same material several times before it becomes integrated into my life. It’s taken me over a year to make it through the first chapter on the importance of clean, open space -- on the importance of getting rid of unnecessary possessions and clutter. Sometimes friends will unknowingly tell me the same lesson and set me back on a course towards the forgotten goal. It’s a slow process. It’s like trying to run through mud.

Another area I have been focused on is how certain sensations can derail my mood for a day. I do not mean easily identifiable mental feelings like anger or jealously. I mean something nebulous and more physical. Drinking too much coffee is a way to generate something similar to what I am talking about – it creates a churning in the stomach, jitteriness and anxiety, and an overall sense of uneasiness. Often I will not know the origin of these sensations but they certainly effect my mood. In a desire to not ignore my feelings, I tend to think of what could have caused these things, using the sensation as signals that something may be awry and emotionally unaddressed.

Knowing that others have probably thought about this issue, I reached out to one of my Buddhist mentors who offered the simple advice that things just are, and that there isn’t a way that they should be. We had a short phone call that lasted less than 10 minutes. This would be another slowly digested nugget.  

 I often buy into the idea that if I am mindful, kind and meet all my basic biological needs (sleep, food, shelter, mental rest) that I will be content. This obviously isn’t the case. Sometimes I will have weird feelings and sensations. It’s no different than experiencing physical pain. It just is. Things will go wrong.

Accepting the reality of my situation, while obvious, wasn’t something I’d considered. My goal was to change it to something else. I WANTED to feel good. As with most lessons in Buddhism, problems tend to arise when attachments form – when I say that things “should” be a certain way. This was no exception.

The past week has been interesting as I notice these feelings and then my immediate desire to label them as bad. From there I see how I start plotting how I can change them. It will take a while to just accept them for what they are -- passing sensations. 

Spiritual Arrogance & Delusion

I do not mean by this declaration to condemn those who believe otherwise; they have the same right to their belief as I have to mine. But it is necessary to the happiness of man, that he be mentally faithful to himself. Infidelity does not consist in believing, or in disbelieving; it consists in professing to believe what he does not believe.
-Thomas Paine, Age of Reason

I have been very frustrated with evangelical's nonsensical claims of faith lately. Most claim things they don't believe and in most cases scare others into believing what they believe through the threat of hell (even though the Bible explicitly shuns this tactic).

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18

In interpersonal relationships they use guilt and tug at the heart strings. They promise eternal life together with those you love most. What hard-hearted person would reject that? Sometimes they use the threat of ending the relationship as a means to convert others.

While all of these approaches are wrong, Jesus laid out a very clear path for "converting" others, it involves living out all of the teachings of Jesus.

In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:16

This is repeated again elsewhere even more explicitly (apologies for the misogynistic overtones of the verse, I think it would also apply if the sexual roles were reversed).

Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives when they see the purity and reverence of their lives 1 Peter 3:1-2

Even the Great Commission, when read with a modest degree of thoughtfulness doesn't support any of the modern ways evangelicals reach out to others or what they teach.

19 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

First notice Jesus doesn't say to go around teaching them to believe anything. He says to share his teachings. Clearly one cannot obey a belief. While it's not exactly clear what making someone a disciple means, the book of John does a better job of showing what this will look like when fully manifested in man.

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another, 
John 13:34-35

It's quite simple. Teach others what Jesus taught and love one another. This is the essence of the Christian life and why I call myself one.

Jesus says this again in Matthew 19.

"Why do you ask me about what is good?" Jesus replied. "There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, obey the commandments."  "Which ones?" the man inquired. Jesus replied, " 'Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony,  honor your father and mother,' and 'love your neighbor as yourself.' "

Clearly, from the verses above proselytizing in it's modern form wasn't something that was intended, though I doubt it will die anytime soon as it's an excellent recruiting tool, ensures the survival of churches who encourage it, and will help them to grow faster (or at least replace elderly members who pass away) than churches who don't. It's a very adaptive strategy.

The last part of evangelism that annoys me of this whole process is how much weight evangelicals put on "faith" (Hence the Thomas Paine quote at the top of this passage). especially since I don't think many have seriously considered what the word means (and how it is different from certainty and how it relates to doubt).

First, faith should be put in it's proper perspective. Even for all of the talk about faith in his gospel, Paul still doesn't put faith as the most important characteristic:

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:13

Second, I will outline what faith isn't. It is not believing with your whole mind something that doesn't make sense. It is not certainty. It doesn't not mean people don't have doubts. It is defined very succintly as "the assurance of things hope for." Jesus talks about this in several parables, my favorite of which is about the lilies of the field.

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? 28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

This is the essence of faith. To simply trust that things will work out. This extends to other beliefs. Loving when it may make us vulnerable. Being generous when we may want to save or be miserly. Offering forgiveness when we may want to hold on to anger. Turning the other cheek when attacked. Having patience when we may want to lash out. It requires humanity to set aside the constant grasping for our own self preservation. To unclench the tight fist we have on our own possessions and the control we week over our own destiny. This is faith.

Some who cling to a 500 year old view of penal substitution (the idea that Jesus was an elaborate human sacrifice) will say this is all fine and well, but this isn't enough as we are some depraved fallen people destined for eternal damnation. How will we rid ourselves of the dark blot of sin?

To me, it is simple. Forgiveness is handed out freely and is really no different than faith in providence. Forgiveness comes by simple faith. Jesus says so very plainly.

"This, then, is how you should pray: " 'Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name,  your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.  Give us today our daily bread.  Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.  And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. '  For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

"Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.
Luke 6:35-37

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."
Matthew 7:7

In the interactions during his life he makes this very clear. Jesus forgave sins while he was still alive (the woman who washed his feet, the paralyzed man who fell through the roof, the woman at the well and even on the cross where in the midst of his execution he uttered "father forgive them they know not what they do." He was living out his beliefs of forgiving others.

Faith is a simple thing. It is acting in conviction with ones beliefs even when it may appear that it could cost one to lose his ego, social standing, income or pride. In a word it is selflessness based on love. Jesus demonstrates that through his teaching all we need to do is to love and forgive others, and that if we believe with the same measure of faith that our sins are forgiven, they will be.

I hope we can all stop confusing this with intellectual certainty.

It is necessary to be bold. Some people can be reasoned into sense, and others must be shocked into it. Say a bold thing that will stagger them, and they will begin to think.
-Thomas Paine, personal letters

Words

Today I was researching quotes for a sermon at the UU about language. In the process I came across the gems below. Each one, nudging me like a little finger, touched a spot of my soul that needed attention. Like pithy and wise little fortune cookies from Confucius, they each thoughtfully summarized feelings I had been struggling to birth. Like a spritz of Windex on dusty, grimy old windows they allowed me to see through clear  panes of glass.

These quotes, when placed side by side like eggs in a carton, also helped me to see a paradox: Words are useless because they are easy to say, and also because they often cannot easily express how we feel... but they are still powerful beyond measure when wielded by someone we care about.

I think these quotes tell a story of the past few months of my life:

“I don’t want just words. If that’s all you have for me, you’d better go”
― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Beautiful and Damned

“Do actions agree with words? There's your measure of reliability. Never confine yourself to the words.”
― Frank Herbert, Chapterhouse: Dune

“Words are like eggs dropped from great heights; you can no more call them back than ignore the mess they leave when they fall.”
- Jodi Picoult

“That's what careless words do. They make people love you a little less.”
― Arundhati Roy, The God of Small Things

“Be silent or let thy words be worth more than silence.”
― Pythagoras

“I read her eyes like
paragraphs and her tears
like chapters
for she didn't have much
to say with words, but rather,
silence.

And never let them tell you
that silence, isn't beautiful.
For silence is what happens
when words fall asleep
and you must carry the belief
that one day they will
wake up inside of you.”
― Testy McTesterson

“A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.”
― Ingrid Bergman

“In prayer it is better to have a heart without words than words without a heart. ”
― John Bunyan

“Lying is done with words, and also with silence.”
― Adrienne Rich, Women and Honor: Some Notes on Lying

“It happens like this. One day you meet someone and for some inexplicable reason, you feel more connected to this stranger than anyone else--closer to them than your closest family. Perhaps this person carries within them an angel--one sent to you for some higher purpose; to teach you an important lesson or to keep you safe during a perilous time. What you must do is trust in them--even if they come hand in hand with pain or suffering--the reason for their presence will become clear in due time.

Though here is a word of warning--you may grow to love this person but remember they are not yours to keep. Their purpose isn't to save you but to show you how to save yourself. And once this is fulfilled; the halo lifts and the angel leaves their body as the person exits your life. They will be a stranger to you once more."
 ― Lang Leav, Love & Misadventure

I can relate

“A word is not the same with one writer as it is with another. One tears it from his guts. The other pulls it out of his overcoat pocket.”
― Charles Péguy, Basic Verities, Prose, and Poetry

Reflections on connections

I always grow with each new relationship. The chance to deeply know and understand another person, to open your hearts and lives to each other is a special thing. The process of deeply valuing others for what they do better than me is something I wish I could do more. It helps me to grow as much as anything I do. Here is what I learned from my most recent relationship:

Ignore the stern looking faces of strangers. A smile goes a long way, but a hello with genuine concern can unchain the humanity in another waiting to come alive. People are generally pretty approachable if you reach out.

Better dental hygiene. Added another brushing and daily flossing to my routine. My smile is all the better for it.

I iron my clothes more often and am even more clean than I was before.

I have more patience and don't mind serving others. I am more willing to set my own desires aside.

I realize a softer touch, kinder words and a little encouragement are things I need to do more often. On a positive note I also learned I have more patience than I thought I did.

I am stronger in my own faith because I was forced to reexamine it and own my own beliefs.

Road Trips

They all start out the same

Fresh cup of coffee, tank full of gas
Belly full of food, pocketful of cash
Just a destination, no plans in mind
For a few days, I'll leave it all behind

Softer, gentler

"Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy." 
- Isaac Newton

Every situation presents a chance to learn... to let go...or to find gratitude. Usually all three

For my sanity

Most important qualities in a mate:

-realibility/dependability/trust
-quality time
-tactile
-good heart
-intellectually curious

Guilty

I can relate

I was reading a book on MBTI types and came across this passage.

It's definitely something that has been lacking in one of my more personal relationships

The Precipice

My mom used to work in home health and from time to time would share the rather gruesome reality of her patients poorly treated wounds. Particularly those that had been sewed over and where infection teemed under the otherwise healthy-looking skin. Eventually some doctor, or  nurse like my mother, would attempt to clean the area and all sorts of putrid fluids would come pouring out. The reality that this wound was not healing quickly sat in. While the patient will physically will be for better for acknowledging the reality of the situation, the psychological toll from this revelation can greatly offset the physical benefits. I suppose emotional trauma is the same. It's often easier to carry around a poorly healed emotional would than it is to poke around and risk discovering there is something really deep.

I feel like I am there now. There is some dark shadow lurking behind my shoulder for the past week. I know I could run away - go on a roadtrip, busy myself with activities, call all of my friends, watch a few good films, go on a date or two - but that even in the midst of all that (the roadtrip potentially being an exception) I would still be haunted by the shadow. I know I need to just turn around and stare whatever it is in the eyes.

I suppose a combination of uncertainty around what the issue really was (I considered seasonal factors, work, ennui) and the fear that it is something larger probably kept me from facing it earlier in the week. There is always a bit of a worry that by indulging in these feelings there is a chance one might fall completely into the blackness.

I have been there once and I know it can be difficult to pull yourself out if you get in too deep. It's akin to looking out of the door of the plane just before skydiving or looking over the rocky ledge of a canyon.

While thinking about this all, I called a good friend to ask for advice and she wisely said "Work through it but set a limit. Allow yourself to dive in, but have a detailed plan to climb back out."

I feel a lot like an explorer preparing for a big journey just by writing this. I need to gear up, mentally prepare myself for pain, and turn anxiety into a challenge.

The posts here are like notes from a younger, wiser me to a future self
for the days when I've lost my way
to remind me to feel and to push through
that I have been here before and managed just fine
and that clarity and peace are familiar friends

January 2010

spring comes early in the South
daffodils, heralding new life,
push forth delicate yellow petals and narrow green shoots
in the warmth of longer days
yet, a thousand miles, and a half season away
a distant friend trudges through slushy brown snow
the cold dry air cuts through the alleys
far away from the pleasant end of winter
a photo might suffice, but our age permits more
unexpected, pure white lilies in clear glass
carry the hope of a warm southern breeze
to melt away an icy heart

Cacophony

Sometimes I need to separate myself from others while I feel out my own beliefs. The noise of another's consciousness is loud and intruding, and too often, if I am receiving information I am too often filtering it through both my lens and theirs. It takes too much brain capacity to give both thoughts a fair hearing and in the process I give neither a fair chance or the justice of full reflection. Ideas needs room to bounce around, build connections with other thoughts and become fully rooted, dismissed or held in a waiting area for further examination. If they are crowded out by the constant comparison and dual evaluation, I also don't have time to examine them as deeply. I don't have the time hold it in my hands, to touch it, to feels its weight, texture and it's top bottom and sides. I need to treat them with the kindness and acceptance I would offer a potential new friend and not the skepticism and apprehension of an intruder.