I always say most of my life is satire and my friends have this running joke with me about it.... as if everything I do is charade. The truth is, most things are. The way I see the world, my values, and what I wish for the future couldn't be more removed from what most of the people around me want. (Though I can't decide if it's just a cop out because I don't want to sacrifice all the things I would have to give up [mainly a near single-minded devotion to my career) in order to attain the "economic/social" status that is available to me). I constantly find myself in the half-assed keeping-up-with-the-Jones' thing (though I do getting a giddy satisfaction out of doing these things for just a fraction of the cost - thrift stores, flea markets, craigslist auctions, unconventional executions) but it is really not a life I want for myself. I genuinely like working with my hands, using an axe, planting stuff, sweating, being in nature and attending to the needs of my basic survival. My only wish for humanity is that we could all see how silly all the things we spend our time on are just a distraction from what really matters - homeostasis, mental clarity and good human relationships. There is nothing inherently wrong with these other pursuits, but with 7 billion people all wanting to do them even the seemingly modest lifestyle I lead would destroy the planet in a matter of years if all of this planet's  inhabitant decided to do it at once. It's a selfish lifestyle. Plus, these other pursuits often serve as a distraction to three I listed above. We complicate things so much. We make ourselves unhappy in the process and end up miserable even though we have everything we could ever want. It's all rather sad and I am trying my best to make a slow exit.

As always Wikipedia is on point: "Materialism (adj. materialistic) is the excessive desire to consume and acquire material goods. It is often bound up with a value system which regards social status as being determined by affluence (see conspicuous consumption) as well as the perception that happiness can be increased through buying, spending and accumulating material wealth."

Sad songs make me smile sometimes
I guess I let the music do the feeling for me
cause numb is easy to deal with
and this medicine makes it effortless
I do try, I really do
but I have to just laugh at myself sometimes
I am totally, emotionally clueless
Ideas make me smile so much more
I am taking a break for a while
from feeling
from the meds
from people
Just going in the woods for a while
to sit
like a good little Buddhist
breathe a little easier


______


I am back off of the meds, and back to my old habits. I sat in bed all day Saturday just recooping from a few nights out. I needed to study, but I feel confident I can wing it. I feel less of the other emotions and feel my own again. The swirling thoughts, the constant ideas, the chatter. I missed it. It's like an old friend. I felt unfaithful. It's a different set of feelings. I feel like it is firework and sparks going off and an occasional mental equivalent of a cold winter wind. The annoying side effect is also gone. I feel my RAWRRR for life coming back though. My excitement, my fast talking, my passion, my eat shit grin. I really do like who I am even if it is more difficult for people to deal with me.

On the meds I felt the sort of powerful, overwhelming feelings I always read about in books and heard people talk about. They are nice, I am glad I experienced them, but I just have my own way of processing the world. I am used to it. I have been on the meds a month and I am going to take about that long off of them since I have a break from school. I think I can do finals without them. I didn't like feeling like someone had popped me in the head with a bat. I just sat there and smiled and nodded. It could certainly be good in some situations though.

I am a little emotionally detached after two awkward moments this past weekend with people I cared about and I just sort of turned everything off. I really don't care to think about it - I really don't know how I feel about it I just decided, for once, to not think about it. I did find I was able to control myself very well emotionally. I just kept saying - "it's not productive. I don't want to talk about it" - and I didn't. It put it behind me and don't really dwell on it. I am just leaning on my instinct/intuition a little more and not second guessing it and reevaluating it. I feel at peace with things, but it's a very different feeling than before. Playing with one's head is a strange business.

On more practical matters, I am studying, but distracted. I still get stuff done though. Procrastination isn't a terrible thing.