I still have no clue what I want to do... I'll write more on this later

An old lesson

Happy is he who forgets what cannot be changed.

- quoted in Our Famous Guest, 

   Mark Twain

Though I will add there is much that can be changed if we care to amend it....

Living life on the other side of the two way mirror...

I didn't notice it until last night when I started feeling better, but the battle with strep really muted the internal banter I usually have. With the exception of noticing passive stimuli (like smells and things I see or sensations like hunger) my brain really wasn't pondering very much. Once I got past the stage of feeling like shit, I felt like a zombie just walking around or someone in the middle of a perpetual meditation session. In some respects it was quite peaceful but after a few hours I missed the comforting chatter of my own mind. I felt hollow, almost like a mindless little bird fluttering around. I wonder if this is how most people are on a regular basis.

It's hot an humid, my throat is raw, I have a headache and the energy of a limp
noodle not to mention I'm running a temperature of 101.6. In short, I feel absolutely miserable. Maybe basic healthcare is a right, I wouldn't put
anyone through this if there was a cheap alternative.

It's hard though when it's treated like an on off switch - cover everything or nothing. They need to separate basic
care (antibiotics, stitches, ect) which is quick and cheap from emergency
care (car wrecks, falls, serious accident) which needs a natural
disincentive but also will occur even to safe individuals, from chronic care (think Parkinson's) which I don't know what don't know what to do about from end of life care (cancer, other terminal conditions) which
tends to be the most expensive (about 60% of total lifetime costs)...

Preventive care and education about diet and exercise in schools
should also play a huge role....

dumpster diving

why do you throw so much away
why did you ruin what you bought
for a tax code?
for a silly rule?
it's real food
and people are hungry
and cheap
and bored

thanks for the vegetables
for the 8 dozen doughnuts
for the treasure hunt
for a little peace of mind down the road

Does this mean I am officially a hipster now?

My buddy once told me "Everyone is high maintenance - the important
thing is to make sure the person you settle down with requires a type
of maintenance you love doing."

Sing it brother

and they all come out the same...

I wrote these words?

Facebook now aggregates all prior messages into a single thread when you communicate with a friend. I just came across a message I sent several years ago, and can't believe I wrote the words or had the same conclusions. It is from 2006. I was 22 at the time. I feel like I am reading something a stranger wrote...

I looked into people, into sex, into books, into money, into power, science, to the structure of the brain, to language, into philosophy, and then back to where I started. I know as simple and as trite (and as odd) as it may sound (and now as evangelical), the message of Jesus was the answer to a satisfying life. I had always looked at christianity as a way to stop thinking. As a way to simply look at the world through a lens of truth (albeit not my own) but one through which answers came easily, and souls were settled by concrete and unchallengeable maxims. As it seemed, they already had the world figured out. Christians were the possessors of their own truth and the world could offer nothing to it's complete and unique understanding... Certainly that did not work for someone who still had so many questions. I see now, that as a child my understanding was incomplete, at this point, I'd say utterly wrong. I thought relgion was a doctrine for people who couldn't come up with a way to live their own life. Instead, I just found it was the answer that I had been trying to come up with my own, and had been unable. I was able to find all of the complexity, and depth, and simulataneous simplicity that anything I belived in would have. And that being said, i should be able to explain it in a few sentences.... so I will try....Admit imperfection. Love your neighbor, love God, follow your conscience. And if that's what you really want to do, there is an idea, a power, that will alllow you to do all those, and give you the freedom to do what you inwardly would like to become.... and simulataneously on top of it all, bring peace. That is essentially what I believe at this point in my life. Yes, there are tons and tons and tons of other ideas, and histories, and people that come along with this simpe story... but at it's core, it's simplicity was far too alluring to deny. Certainly, had the results been absent, I would have soon forgotten this antiquated notion of new life... but the promises were true, and I have been witness to a transformation within myself. A quiet process that is both instantaneous and neverending... Given my past history, I was well aquainted with the words of King James, and knew what that thick black book was on it's pages, but I didn't understand it. When i came to believe, I had many different questions than you would have about it's validity. I wanted the seeming contradictions answered, mysteries explained, stories expounded upon, before I could even look at the basic message again. Ultimately though, when it came down to it, i had to get past all of the junk I has associated with Christianity, and give it a look with fresh eyes, and a mind that could actually understand it. Once I realized this, I began to see that most people don't get the message of Jesus, even within the church - it is much more palatable than any Southern Baptist would lead you to believe. As you are reading this, I can see you getting mad at me for even suggesting it. I understand your own initial hatred of the idea. The church is probably one of the biggest reasons you have such an internal conflict, that and your family... which again is most certainly in large part related to the influcence of the church. I certainly am not telling you want to believe, that is what fools do. I am trying to tell you something I found that works, which is what friends do. Hopefully you see it as that, and not some demeaning indoctrination. All i really wanted to do, was encourage you to give it another look, and try to squeeze some truth out of the words it has to offer. I supposed it would be rather shortsighted to encourage you to look at something, and not give you direction, so I'll just show you what got me started, and curious... "See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ. 20) Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: 21) "Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!"? 22)These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. 23) Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence..." It was an interesting idea, and a promise that I wasn't ready to just ignore... It's no where near the point of my faith, but it did show me that there was much more that I had missed, and much to learn. Anyway, good luck with classes... I wish i could explain it all in just a few short words, but it really is the peace of God which transcends all understanding.... i wish something like it for you...

I get all sorts of stresses in life, and I can deal with most of them
very well, but when it comes to human relationships, there are way too
many unknowns. I realized this years ago, but just sort of accepted
the fact that I would always be confused by them.

Though recently I have been surprised at how much peace I get from
speaking my mind and telling the other person exactly how I feel. In
the past, when I was finally able to open up, it would be accompanied
by so much emotion I'd usually end up making the other person upset.
Now I'm able to wait a little while, detach myself, and say how I feel
in a calm manner. This way I feel like I am able to get everything off
of my chest and then punt the ball back in the other person's court.
Even if the outcome isn't exactly as I might have hoped, I do feel
like there is little else I can do and as a result, tend not to dwell
on the issue very much. Some people don't like to talk about things
openly (ever) so I still need to come up with a way to deal with this,
but just being up front with friends about the importance of this
issue (before conflicts arise) might be enough for me to solve most of
these problems....