The Precipice

My mom used to work in home health and from time to time would share the rather gruesome reality of her patients poorly treated wounds. Particularly those that had been sewed over and where infection teemed under the otherwise healthy-looking skin. Eventually some doctor, or  nurse like my mother, would attempt to clean the area and all sorts of putrid fluids would come pouring out. The reality that this wound was not healing quickly sat in. While the patient will physically will be for better for acknowledging the reality of the situation, the psychological toll from this revelation can greatly offset the physical benefits. I suppose emotional trauma is the same. It's often easier to carry around a poorly healed emotional would than it is to poke around and risk discovering there is something really deep.

I feel like I am there now. There is some dark shadow lurking behind my shoulder for the past week. I know I could run away - go on a roadtrip, busy myself with activities, call all of my friends, watch a few good films, go on a date or two - but that even in the midst of all that (the roadtrip potentially being an exception) I would still be haunted by the shadow. I know I need to just turn around and stare whatever it is in the eyes.

I suppose a combination of uncertainty around what the issue really was (I considered seasonal factors, work, ennui) and the fear that it is something larger probably kept me from facing it earlier in the week. There is always a bit of a worry that by indulging in these feelings there is a chance one might fall completely into the blackness.

I have been there once and I know it can be difficult to pull yourself out if you get in too deep. It's akin to looking out of the door of the plane just before skydiving or looking over the rocky ledge of a canyon.

While thinking about this all, I called a good friend to ask for advice and she wisely said "Work through it but set a limit. Allow yourself to dive in, but have a detailed plan to climb back out."

I feel a lot like an explorer preparing for a big journey just by writing this. I need to gear up, mentally prepare myself for pain, and turn anxiety into a challenge.

The posts here are like notes from a younger, wiser me to a future self
for the days when I've lost my way
to remind me to feel and to push through
that I have been here before and managed just fine
and that clarity and peace are familiar friends

January 2010

spring comes early in the South
daffodils, heralding new life,
push forth delicate yellow petals and narrow green shoots
in the warmth of longer days
yet, a thousand miles, and a half season away
a distant friend trudges through slushy brown snow
the cold dry air cuts through the alleys
far away from the pleasant end of winter
a photo might suffice, but our age permits more
unexpected, pure white lilies in clear glass
carry the hope of a warm southern breeze
to melt away an icy heart

Cacophony

Sometimes I need to separate myself from others while I feel out my own beliefs. The noise of another's consciousness is loud and intruding, and too often, if I am receiving information I am too often filtering it through both my lens and theirs. It takes too much brain capacity to give both thoughts a fair hearing and in the process I give neither a fair chance or the justice of full reflection. Ideas needs room to bounce around, build connections with other thoughts and become fully rooted, dismissed or held in a waiting area for further examination. If they are crowded out by the constant comparison and dual evaluation, I also don't have time to examine them as deeply. I don't have the time hold it in my hands, to touch it, to feels its weight, texture and it's top bottom and sides. I need to treat them with the kindness and acceptance I would offer a potential new friend and not the skepticism and apprehension of an intruder.