Weary

I want companionship, among other things
In the absence of the former, I too often settle for the latter
Which has a way of sucking up all my available resources
time, money, energy
The tradeoff is worth less with each occurrence
I need to stop chasing trash and simpletons
for women who still live for their mother's approval
and those who cling to silly notions of childhood
yes, fairy tales of a perfect romanace
I am no prince
those who's hearts are chained to another
or those who have withered from heartbreak
I already know what I want
I just have to go after it
and stop getting distracted by nonsense

Mouth Breathing and ADHD

This is a bit different than most of my posts, but after seeing the benefits (and Google traffic to this site from an old post on ADHD, I thought it was worth sharing).
My newfound quest to document my biggest problems has led me first to focus on my lack of quality sleep. I long ago realized that feeling well-rested was a main source of "happiness" most days. It is hard to be grumpy when I wake up feeling like a new man. I rarely have problems sleeping, but I also rarely feel rested in the morning. I am sluggish, my eyes are often burning and I generally feel worse than when I went to bed. I had written this off as "not being a morning person" but I think there is more to it than that.

I have long known of my own snoring problems and my brother's own sleep apnea problems (he uses a breathing machine to sleep at night). Ex-girlfriends have often told me how awful I my snoring can be as well as times when I have stopped breathing and then gasped for air while sleeping. I have been reluctant to do that just because I do not want to become dependent upon such cumbersome external devices. However, I have also ignored small things which might have helped me to overcome my own lack of quality sleep. The key recommendations for a good night’s sleep have always been: exercise, no late meals and no alcohol close to bedtime. I have only haphazardly followed those directions and. It is often advised that people sleep on their back, breathe through their nose and stay well hydrated. I did not do any of those and it has caused persistent sinus problems which has led to me too often to be a "mouth breather" instead of typically breathing through my nose which has numerous health benefits including filtering air, humidifying air, increasing oxygen uptake, and even releasing nitrous oxide which increases oxygen uptake further.

A recent article also suggests that it may be the cause of ADHD diagnoses. This makes intuitive sense, as I can certain relate to the mental fogginess that always appears the day after an all-night or those unfortunate days where I must wake up early after a long night out on the town. I can also relate to the anxiety that comes from not being able to breathe, either while swimming or while wrestling.
I also noticed how calming "nose breathing" can be through practicing yoga and meditation.  In both of these disciplines it is an essential aspect. For whatever reason, they both also greatly reduce anxiety. I have also noticed that when I forcibly applied pressure to my cheeks to make breathing easier my performance while running increased drastically. I was able to run a 5K at a nice clip without much effort.

Anyway, after documenting (and reflecting on the past) I can see a clear relationship between sleep and productivity/clarity. So, with that duly noted, I am attacking it head on - 8 glasses of water, regular exercise, and I also just ordered breathe right strips and a neti pot. Even this week, after just three days of directed effort, I have observed a noticeable difference. I feel much more clarity, and my thoughts don't seem quite as overwhelming.

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Update: 6/29

Oh my god! Sweet baby Jesus (or maybe I should thank Vishnu since this originated from Vedic texts). In any case, the neti pot is amazing. I would have given the breate right strips a 10 before, but after using the neti pot for the first time yesterday afternoon, I am hooked. I have asolutely no obstructions and slept like a baby. I feel like someone poured the equivalent of sinus-equivalent draino down my airways. I have been missing out.... 

I was having a discussion with one of the guys at UU about his self-published book (mainly for his own benefit) on happiness. One of his seven points is that we are unhappy because we are often not very rational. Earlier this week, I was reading over some of my old trading logs from my senior thesis and was rather surprised at all the insights I had recorded once I forced myself to follow some basic guideilnes before making trades. They reduced my trading costs, risks and more importantly, the emotional anxiety that I often let creep in as a result of just winging trades. Both of these reminded me that I need to be "scientific" about how I do things. I learned value of this at Bridgewater many times over. Intuition is very important, and its value cannot be underestimated, but it needs to be tempered by facts and data. 

In general, I need to make better documentation surrounding issues I am having. This includes basic things like life habits (sleep, food, exercise, hobbies, work) and how they effect my quality of life and overall sense of well-being. Outlining basic causes and effects is easy and only takes a few minutes per day.

This should also include interpersonal issues. I often find myself internally going don't do that because this or that negative consequence will happen if you do. Yet at the same time I lack the resolve to follow through. While it isn't certain that having a clear outline will make me have better self control (nor do I have any desire to turn myself into an automaton once I create a list of rules for myself), I think having better facts will probably help me solve my problems much more quickly and parse through the data that I might otherwise miss. The problem with intuition is that it is also easy to ignore. Data is less easily dismissed. Especially when the observations span weeks and months. It's also nice to have the collection of accumulated wisdom from years past all at my finger times. It's so easy to spend weeks coming to some profound insight about a personal flaw, to recognize, it master it and then fall back into the same habits years later. It's nice to be able to quickly glance at a few pages of notes/principles and asses relative personal progress.

It also goes back to something I discussed on here before about the power of simply writing things down. For the past several years, putting ideas in writing has an almost magical way of helpiong me to accomplish those tasks. This might be a result of the forced articulation of thought that it requires. It forces me to stay on track and allows me to make several steps of progress that I might not otherwise make because of my internal distractions. Writing allows me to pick up right where I left off whereas returning to an earlier thought is never so easy.

It also builds upon my other post about wanting to get rid of my cell phone (or at least break my connection to it). 

Last week in my iPhone of the past few years finally died. It just didn't turn on after a night on the town. I assume the battery finally gave out.

For two days I went without it. I was relaxed. I felt at peace. I didn't feel the need to constantly do something: to always text someone, to research every question that arises in my mind, to document important thoughts, to cure my boredom with music, to read emails.

At the local flea market, I noticed people's faces in a way that I hadn't before. I met more people. I actually rummaged through what was there rather than casually walking by.

I was even more perceptive on my on walk and the tension in my face and back.

My car ride to a family reunion was not interrupted by rings nor was a distracted from staring at my phone. I am sure the highways of this fine state were safer because of it. 

On my way home, I stopped at corn fields and ate straight from the stalk. I got out my camera and photographed the rural area I came from. I took in the world around me and didn't really stress about anything.

Anyway, I bought a new phone a few days later, put part of my doesn't want it. Or at least I want to leave it in my car or at home - not in my pocket where it serves as a digital leash. I also want to withdraw from the need, Facebook, and all the noise that seems to create tension, anxiety and mental dis-ease.

I feel the anxiety slowing creeping back: the desire to be connected, to be informed. It's also made me aware of how much anxiety I left creep into my life via the disparet forms of communication: politically charged and inflammtory news stories, emotional distress on Facebook from friends, the need to "catch up," the longing and desire it always seems to create, and the sense of inferority and second-guessing it seems to fester.
I want to hear the birds, the wind., to look people around me in the eye, to think without distraction.

Instead of an iPhone I think I should switch to paper where I can quite literally gather my thoughts up like lost sheep. Where I can pause and focus and not be distracted by the next beep or buzz, where I am not overwhelmed with choice. Where I can reflect without the constant intrusion.

...where I can listen