Words among friends

Calling someone an asshole, morally corrupt or incompetent will probably not help them to see your point of view......

Reason: an afterthought

From an article I read the other day:

"I generally try not to get involved on slacktivist, because a lot of people who discuss there tend to disagree with me pretty rigorously. Some of them are pretty incisive when it comes to ripping apart bad logic, and it takes me a while to figure out why I still disagree with them (if, in fact, I do). Maybe I just think slower, but I need to really weigh things out carefully before I jump in, or I end up overextending myself into an untenable position."

"This lack of communication is often exacerbated by the psychos, and the people who foolishly endorse them. The media knows a good story has controversy and an ability to produce knee-jerk, gut reactions, so they ramp up the broo-haw-haw and watch as escalating tensions diminish the chance of communication and meaningful dialog."

This is a quite common experience for me and the author summarizes my own thoughts quite well. I tend to have all of these instinctive responses and only later, through careful thought, am I able to formulate some very clear justifications for my beliefs. Unfortunately  I think that's a sign we are going about everything backwards. It's also a sign I am dogmatically clinging to ideas and not really keeping an open mind. This probably has a lot to do with how combative we are with each other. These things tend to be battles. Not even-handed, thoughtful, caring, reflective conversations in pursuit of a better world. When I reflect on my own experiences, it is usually when I discuss things calmly and rationally with a close friend that I am able to change my mind. I need the gentle prodding of someone I trust to help me reframe my views.

I am still slowly wading through the Righteous Mind by Haidt and have really been thinking reflecting and focusing on the analogy the author presents of an elephant (our unconcious mind) and the rider (reason).   The author called his book a decoder ring for understanding the other side. He lays out quite a few psychological studies that suggest that we are led by our impressions/instinct/emotion/intuition much more than reason/logic.

I think watching the recent gun debate unfold has brought this into focus for me. No one (well few people) is looking at public health data. No is looking at where we might actually reduce gun violence the most. It's a debate over how we feel about guns. To some, guns are bad things: they represent violence, murder, accidental injuries and are associated with crime. To others they represent security from wild animals or protection when police might be half an hour away. We all have post-hoc reasons why they are bad, but this isn't what drives our decisions. The fact that super-rare mass shootings are driving people to call for reform is further evidence of this. As heinous are the acts are they aren't a real threat to public safety. Cigarettes kill as many people in a day or two as have died from mass shootings in the last thirty years. This is about what makes people fearful - what sends shivers down their spine - what generates righteous indignation and higher blood pressure.

The author also suggests that our values can be generally divided into six buckets: care, fairness, liberty, loyalty, authority and sanctity. Liberals tend to value care and fairness above all else. Conservatives tend to value all five evenly. Through this lens it is easy to see how the gun debate is really just a debate over care vs. liberty.

When we weigh these moral values so differently it is easy to see how we will have no trouble disagreeing. To some, the right to carry a gun will never outweigh a few stories about domestic violence victims. To others, the thought of an innocent woman being sexually assaulted in some dark alley because she was completely defenselessly brings the same moral outrage. It's not that the other side is immoral, we just have different moral systems.

It doesn't make the solution any easier, but it does help us to see why we disagree. Hopefully it might help us stop demonizing each other.

Hermits vs. Herds

P.96 "WEIRD people (Western, educated, industrialized, rich, and democratic) are statistical outliers; they are the least typical, least representative people you could study if you want to make generalizations about human nature."

P.102 (non-Western cultures) "I began to see a moral world in which families, not individuals, are the basic unit of society, and the members of each extended family are intensely interdependent."

Simply, the Western mind focuses on the individual. Other cultures focus on the group. We are hyper-individualistic. 

Though even within our society this concept also tends to divide "liberals" and "conservatives." The former focusing on groups of disenfranchised (women, the poor, minorities) while the latter tend to focus on individuals (and pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps). It also brings into conflict the balance things like public health vs. liberty (seatbelt laws and affirmative action are good examples of this). 

What the hell are you talking about?

Love is just a word, for when the fun begins... 
a word we use to cover up, a multitude of sins

-Dory Langdon, "Goodbye Again"
performed by Diahann Carroll

Words, Words Words.... Language is all we have, to get the idea in my head, into yours. 

Yes, I can wave my hands, raise my eyebrows, and feign a frown or smile, but language is primary. The fact that I am able to peck out some symbols on a screen and (presumably) concomitantly have ideas arise in your mind, almost like sunshine on a cloudy day, is quite remarkable. 

I bring this up because I think our most sacred words are largely undefined and ambiguous. The amorphous concepts we hold closest to our hearts have no shared meaning. I remember two years ago when I looked through the Bible to sort out how it defined God, I repeatedly came across the word "holy." In the original hebrew, it just means "special." How is that for ineffable?

I think this happens all the time when we discuss the world, politics and religion. What is meant by fairness, justice, care, respect? Too often we have very precise interpretations which often vary dramatically from the person we are speaking with. I need to remind myself to spend more time on the obvious. These are our real values, not the conclusions we reach.

More time on the axioms and less on the theorems. 

Here is an interesting passage I came across on Wikipedia that highlights this very problem:


Ignosticism or igtheism is the theological position that every other theological position (including agnosticism and atheism) assumes too much about the concept of God and many other theological concepts:

• It can be defined as encompassing two related views about the existence of God:The view that a coherent definition of God must be presented before the question of the existence of God can be meaningfully discussed. Furthermore, if that definition is unfalsifiable, the ignostic takes the theological noncognitivist position that the question of the existence of God (per that definition) is meaningless. In this case, the concept of God is not considered meaningless; theterm "God" is considered meaningless.
• The second view is synonymous with theological noncognitivism, and skips the step of first asking "What is meant by 'God'?" before proclaiming the original question "Does God exist?" as meaningless.

Animal Spirits

"No more of those 'dreadful but necessary disturbances,' those 'foolish counselors' leading the rational mind astray. Yet the result of the separation was not the liberation of reason from the thrall of passion. It was the shocking revelation that reason requires passions...... The head can't even do stuff without the heart"
-Jonathan Haidt

Positing that without the "seething passions" that burn within us we have little to live for. What use is rationality without desire? You can't calculate the value of an action if you have no internal worth assigned to it.

Earlier in the text he compares the difficulty in making highly non-emotional decisions (such as buying a washing machine) and how difficult it would be if all decisions in life were this difficult. He highlights the need in identifying and speaking to the raw emotion within each human soul. Without this connection people simply will not become engaged. When speaking to it, you must be careful to understand the underlying emotional intuition which drives decision making. 


Some good commentary I found:

"First of all, Haidt is right that rationality alone cannot be a complete guide to moral behavior, so liberals shouldn't idolize rationality. From early training in mathematics I learned the distinction between axioms, which are statements of first principles, and theorems, which are logical conclusions from the axioms. Reason can provide theorems but it cannot provide axioms. Reason alone cannot tell us which is more important: caring or loyalty, fairness or sanctity, liberty or authority. So what we value needs to be emotionally based. We can try to think through what actions will promote our values in the long run - and even there, as Haidt points out, we are all imperfect.

Second, Haidt is right that loyalty, authority, and sanctity are important moral values for many people. So rather than attacking conservatives for believing in those values, liberals should try to co-opt them. For example, if a corporation closes a working factory in an American town and lays off unionized workers in favor of cheaper labor overseas, liberals can rightly claim that the corporation is being disloyal to its community. If a tar sands oil pipeline threatens to accelerate climate change, liberals can claim that building it disrespects the authority of scientists who have carefully studied its effects. If the same pipeline is likely to spill, liberals can claim that it violates the sanctity of our clean water supply and our natural wonders."

-Amazon Review

Decision making

What is real?
What is possible?
What do I choose to believe?

Pause

"At present it is not only my habit, but even my taste — a perverted taste, maybe — to write nothing but what will drive to despair every one who is ‘in a hurry.’ For philology is that venerable art which exacts from its followers one thing above all — to step to one side, to leave themselves spare moments, to grow silent, to become slow — the leisurely art of the goldsmith applied to language: an art which must carry out slow, fine work, and attains nothing if not lento. Thus philology is now more desirable than ever before; thus it is the highest attraction and incitement in an age of ‘work’: that is, of haste, of unseemly and immoderate hurry-skurry, which is so eager to ‘get things done’ at once, even every book, whether old or new. Philology itself, perhaps, will not so hurriedly ‘get things done.’ It teaches how to read well, that is, slowly, profoundly, attentively, prudently, with inner thoughts, with the mental doors ajar, with delicate fingers and eyes. My patient friends, this book appeals only to perfect readers and philologists: learn to read me well!”

-Friedrich Nietzsche

Anomie and solipsism

“But the young educated adults of the 90s -- who were, of course, the children of the same impassioned infidelities and divorces Mr. Updike wrote about so
beautifully -- got to watch all this brave new individualism and self-expression and sexual freedom deteriorate into the joyless and anomic self-indulgence of the Me Generation. Today's sub-40s have different horrors, prominent among which are anomie and solipsism and a peculiarly American loneliness: the prospect of dying without once having loved something more than yourself.”

-David Foster Wallace, Consider the Lobster and Other Essays

Elements of Rhetoric

I waste a lot of time arguing on Facebook or through email. I love debate. I like hammering out different issues and trying to find an answer two parties can agree on. When it's clear people have an entrenched belief I often turn to the attack mode and come out with all guns blazing. I relentless "attack" the other party in order to "win" the argument. Communication devolves from an amicable exchange to a heated assault. 

While such combative language might be helpful in asserting some sort of intellectual dominance it does little to sway the other person or to convince an onlooker who might happen to read the exchange. In short, these sorts of exchanges lack persuasion. The other person stops listening and others feel uncomfortable associating with someone who uses such harsh tactics/language (even if they feel the "attacker" is right). 

After a new friend frankly said to me "you are too harsh, you aren't going to convince anyone with your style," I began to reflect on my delivery and the idea more broadly. 

As we are in the midst of an election cycle, the two campaigns of Barack Obama and Mitt Romney offered a nice comparison of two styles. With the increased "popularity" of voting (which is always common during presidential elections) "relatability" was a deciding factor. I saw one poll which asked "which candidate cares about me?" Obama won with nearly 85% of the vote. Throughout the year I have curiously reflected on key differences. Below are the nuggets I was able to glean from the race. 

• Speak to the the future, not the past
• Say what you hope for, not what you don't like
• Switch between facts and stories
• Switch between formal and informal 

On the second point, rather than criticizing one thing to make a point, use the opportunity to praise another. Recently I wanted to say a person at our office wasn't responsible for growth. Rather than discounting that person's efforts, I gave credit to the other person. Rather than making an enemy, I actually made a friend. I still made the same point. It also made it easier for others to agree with what I was saying since I wasn't indirectly attacking anyone.

I was also surprised to read an article which detailed the use of social scientists who have studied motivation and persuasion. They offered a few insights

If attacked, don't say you are "not" what you are accused of... State what you are. In Obama's case he didn't not say he was not a Muslim, he said he affirmed he was a Christian. People tend to remember the association....To encourage people to go to the polls they highlighted that nearby neighbors were voting, rather than highlighting the loss of their vote if they abstained. It seems social pressure and conformity are key.... Another tactic was to encourage voters by reminding them they had voted in the past. People are keen on maintaining (or maybe pressured to keep) consistency in their outward public image.....People also seem to be more likely to do things when they make a small plan. The campaign used small cards with a photo of the president to get people to commit to voting at a certain time. I guess signing a pledge and then following up would even further cement this commitment. Maybe that's why expectant brides still use RSVP cards. Maybe there is still a bit of psychological black magic in them. 

In particular, it seems the two most important aspects for winning over people are competence and warmth. 

Interestingly my most common attribute (my laugh and smile) turns in to an entirely different show of teeth when I engage in serious debate. I need to work on this a good bit. It will be an area of focus for me in the coming weeks/months. 

Another thing I need to avoid is the use of extreme words (draconian is a good example). They just sort of make others roll their eyes and don't help to make your point. Instead of "draconian budget cuts", say "the effects of the cuts will be acute and deeply effect average Americans". People want a reason to believe something, not just facts. 

Slow down

too antsy
always considering yesterday
or what I will do after work
while taking a piss
standing in line
walking from the car to the office
what just happened?
moments lost
this is most of life


A Buddhist parable:


"A traveler, fleeing a tiger who was chasing him, ran till he came to the edge of a cliff. There he caught hold of a thick vine, and repelled down the edge hoping he might wait out the tiger. Above him the tiger snarled. A moment later he heard another snarl, and to his surprise, there was second tiger, peering up at him. The vine swayed him midway between two tigers.

Two mice, a white mouse and a black mouse, began to gnaw at the vine. He could see they were quickly eating it through. Then in front of him on the cliff side he saw a luscious bunch of wild grapes. Holding onto the vine with one hand, he reached and picked a grape with the other.

How delicious!"

Uncertainty

"As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality."
– Albert Einstein

"To trace something unknown back to something known is alleviating, soothing, gratifying and gives moreover a feeling of power. Danger, disquiet, anxiety attend the unknown – the first instinct is to eliminate these distressing states. First principle: any explanation is better than none… The cause-creating drive is thus conditioned and excited by the feeling of fear …"
– Friedrich Nietzsche

"Very few beings really seek knowledge in this world. Mortal or immortal, few really ask. On the contrary, they try to wring from the unknown the answers they have already shaped in their own minds – justifications, confirmations, forms of consolation without which they can't go on. To really ask is to open the door to the whirlwind. The answer may annihilate the question and the questioner."
– Anne Rice, The Vampire Lestat


We trust what we see, what we feel, what we touch. We have a way of believing in the permanence of it, in the reality of it, in the truth of it. Few care to embrace the uncertainty in life, or to acknowledge the limited capacity for perception and retention that we posses. Life becomes so much simpler when I can simply say "I don't know." It's the most honest thing I've ever uttered. I think our natural tendency is to follow that up with the phrase "but I will figure it out." This is the mistake, the challenge is to be at peace with uncertainty, to embrace it. The best we can do in life is "highly probable."

With his head on her stomach, the incessant internal chatter was calmed like the rough seas of Galilee. The cacophony of voices was muted with a gentle stroke of his hair. "Peace be still" she seemed to say. For the first time in a long time, he heard the gentle brush of his skin against fabric, the gentle thump of his own heartbeat. It was a heavy silence, certainly an unfamiliar one.

These moments usually made him writhe in discomfort. The dual threat of boredom and isolation were always creeping closer. But somehow this time was different. It was a restful silence. Like a cat on a sunny window ledge, he paused as a gentle sleepiness came over him.While the chatter had a way of keeping him energized, it was also very tiresome. Without it, his jitteriness melted away like wax and he sank deeper into her body. He fell asleep a few moments later.  

 

On Meditation...

The founder of our Order, Rev. Master Jiyu-Kennett, who studied meditation under some of the greatest meditation masters of Japan, translated the classic Zen texts on the mind of meditation as saying that the critical element is, "Do not try to think, and do not try not to think". She likened the mind of meditation to a person sitting under a bridge beneath a busy road. The "traffic" on the road is our thoughts, feelings, perceptions, emotions, etc. To try to mentally stop the traffic is to "try not to think". The same is true of dulling the mind to the point where no traffic is noticed at all. These approaches would seriously unbalance the harmony of meditation: the first one by increasing concentration to the point of excluding awareness, the second by decreasing awareness to the point that only concentration is left. On the other hand, to leave one's sitting place, get up and accept a ride in one of the cars is to "try to think". One's mind is literally "captured" and "carried away" by a particular thought or feeling, so that what was simply a passing thought turns into a ten minute chain of thinking. Here, the concentration has been insufficient, and awareness has lost touch entirely with the basic fact of things-as-they-are: the fact that we are just sitting there. Whenever we find that we are doing something other than just sit there, we gently bring our mind back. This is done over and over again, and is the work of meditation practice.

 Another useful observation which Rev. Master Jiyu-Kennett made about meditation was the distinction between natural and deliberate thought. Suppose, for instance, that a dog barks while we are meditating. We naturally hear the sound, and perhaps the thought occurs to us that a dog is barking. These are examples of natural thought; they are part of things-as-they-are, part of simple, aware sitting. This is meditation, and nothing needs to be done about it. But suppose that we continue the chain of thought: we next think that the barking disturbs our meditation, that our neighbor should control their dog better, that something really should be done about this lack of consideration·, and the next thing we are aware of is that we "wake up", realizing that we have spent the last five minutes giving our neighbor a lecture. This is deliberate thought and is inconsistent with serene reflection meditation. We need to bring our mind back to the awareness of simply sitting there. 

http://www.berkeleybuddhistpriory.org/pages/meditation/meditation.html

Two years too late....

There was a time when my world
Was filled with darkness
Then I stopped dreaming now
I'm supposed to fill it up with something

In your eyes I see the eyes of somebody
I knew before, long ago
But I'm still trying to make my mind up
Am I free or am I tied up?

I change shapes just to hide in this place
But I'm still, I'm still an animal
Nobody knows it but me when I slip
Yeah I slip, I'm still an animal

There is a hole and I tried to fill it up with money
But it gets bigger till your horse is always running
In your eyes I see the eyes of somebody
That could be strong

Tell me if I'm wrong
And now I'm pulling your disguise up
Are you free or are you tied up?

I change shapes just to hide in this place
But I'm still, I'm still an animal
Nobody knows it but me when I slip
Yeah I slip, I'm still an animal

Mind vs. Emotion

A clash between mind and emotions is a clash between two assessments, one of which is conscious, the other might not be. It is not invariably the case that the conscious assessment is superior to the subconscious one; that needs to be checked out. The point is not that we follow the voice of emotion or feeling blindly, it means only that we don't dismiss our feelings and emotions so quickly; we try to understand what they may be telling us; we don't simply repress, rather we try to resolve the conflict between reason and feeling. We strive for harmony, for integration. We don't simply slash away the pieces of ourselves that don't fit our notion of the good or the right or the rational.

The solution for people who seem over preoccupied with feelings is not the renunciation of feelings but rather greater respect for reason, thinking, and the intellect. What is needed is not a renunciation of emotion but a better balance between emotion and thinking. Thinking needs to be added to the situation, emotion does not need to be subtracted from the situation.

http://mol.redbarn.org/objectivism/Writing/NathanielBranden/BenefitsAndHazards.html

The Need for a Value System

I think the excerpt below is quite important:

"And the point right now is not whether she was right or wrong in all respects of that vision, but that she had a vision, a highly developed one, one that seemed to promise comprehensiveness, intelligibility, and clarity -- one that promised answers to a lot of burningly important questions about life. And human beings long for that.

We humans have a need to feel we understand the world in which we live. We have a need to make sense out of our experience. We have a need for some intelligible portrait of who we are as human beings and what our lives are or should be about. In short, we have a need for a philosophical vision of reality.

But twentieth-century philosophy has almost totally backed off from the responsibility of offering such a vision or addressing itself to the kind of questions human beings struggle with in the course of their existence. Twentieth-century philosophy typically scorns system building. The problems to which it addresses itself grow smaller and smaller and more and more remote from human experience. At their philosophical conferences and conventions, philosophers explicitly acknowledge that they have nothing of practical value to offer anyone. This is not my accusation; they announce it themselves.

During the same period of history, the twentieth century, orthodox religion has lost more and more of its hold over people's minds and lives. It is perceived as more and more irrelevant. Its demise as a cultural force really began with the Renaissance and has been declining ever since.

But the need for answers persists. The need for values by which to guide our lives remains unabated. The hunger for intelligibility is as strong as it ever was. The world around us is more and more confusing, more and more frightening; the need to understand it cries out in anguish.

One evidence of this need, today, is the rise of cults, the resurgence of belief in astrolgy, pop mysticism, and the popularity of self-appointed gurus."

http://mol.redbarn.org/objectivism/Writing/NathanielBranden/BenefitsAndHazards.html

I don't spend enough time with myself. I let people pull me into their worlds, their interests. I need to be a little more assertive when it comes finding alone time. I also need to be more appreciative when it comes along. I have been trying (unsuccessfully) for the past few weeks to really reserve Sundays for myself and spend half the day reflecting in solitude. However during the work week when I hope to stay busy, I often find myself antsy when faced with the prospect of being alone. I need to be more appreciative of this time and embrace it when things turn out that way. I was reading some old emails during my breakup and was surprised at both the clarity and depth of my emotion. I rarely find times to organize my thoughts so carefully. 

As I sit here now, on a lazy Sunday afternoon, the grey skies overhead, feet slightly cold in my cozy home, I feel calm. I feel at peace. Just relaxed. Time stands still for a bit. I feel my own heart, beat. It makes my breathe undulate. I hear the air as I breath out. I hear birds chirp and squawk. The house creaks even after a hundred years. My feet rustle against the comforter. My mind stops for a bit. The whole world is right here. Possibilities, the future, yesterday, my bank account.... none of that matters. I just sink into my mattress and keep breathing slowly and deeply. My muscles relax and let go. I can sit still. Peace.

Old advice to myself

more old notes (I still need to work on the last one):

• When you have an idea, don't just use intuition. Pull the data for it. Do your research. Fact check. Lay out a clear thesis. Doubt yourself. Be precise
• Be more friendly. Be more helpful. You like nice people!
• When you have a question/feedback for someone first make a serious effort to understand their reasoning and decision making process before you state what you would do differently. 
• Spend less time writing email
• Rely on other people for help and don't be afraid to ask for it. 
• DIVE IN! You like learning. Don't put off the hard/tedious stuff for last. Just assume you will figure it out. You probably can, and if not, see #5
• Don't ask questions you can look up yourself
• Deal with issues/questions up front. Don't wait to ask important questions. 
• Take clear notes about personal failures. Reflect on them. Learn from them
• Work on self discipline. Learn to bite your tongue. Exercise restraint. 
• Set realistic expectations and makes sure you have clear and explicit expectations
• If you have time to think before you act, let it all simmer. Take advantage of the time and ignore your impatience as difficult as it might be.
• Read more carefully, more slowly. Then read it again. 
• Be less confrontational in conversations. You don't mind a good debate and can generally keep calm, but others don't always see the sport in the back and forth. Just say that's nice and listen, nod your head. You will be surprised what other people have to say and how they open up to you. 

What I want in life:

More notes from my old notebook:

- A big circle of interesting friends who challenge me intellectually (growth), who share similar interests and who are reliable and willing to help

- A place where I can plug myself into and make a tangible difference in my community

- An absence of the stresses and problems of modern life (mostly urban issues)... loss of physical space, noise (and an absence of quiet green spaces), pollution, financial stress

- The ability to live freely and express myself (lots of jobs restrict this - professionalism is a waste of my life)

Procrastination

I read a book on procrastination a while back and came across my comments in an old notebook. I felt they were worth sharing:

1) Be mindful of "feeling good" vs "feeling good about yourself" --> I have a tendency to to be lazy and enjoy life but long-term satisfaction comes from pushing yourself in the short term. Sometimes things in the short term are difficult. Don't shy away from them

2) Avoid indulging in a private self image that is at odds with your public self image (this has been the most useful point since I read the book). This type of passive fantasizing can take the place of actually doing things that demonstrate your worth or "specialness" to others and yourself. Examples include:

• saying one thing but acting another
• re-imagining arguments to play a more flattering role
• using social media to project an image that isn't real
• acting different depending on the social circle

It is important to identify these inconsistencies as they undermine both identity and respect (once you are found out) as well as your tendency to actually accomplish things

3) Differentiate between dreams and goals.

• Dreams are visions, loose knit ideas
• Goals are achievable, have steps and can be measured

CHANGE HOW YOU SPEAK:

replace vague passive language with direct concrete

• "I wish" and "I'd like to"  become "I will try".... 
• Change "someday" to specific times
• Avoid make believe talk - exist in reality
• "I deserve more than I am getting"
• "I'm entitled to..."
• "I know it will all come out OK in the end....."
• "I'm the best person they ever had in this role...."
• "I shouldn't have to account for my time...."
• obviously in all of these some truth, but truth is not expressed.... If you want to say such things either back them up with facts or don't

CHANGE HOW YOU ACT:

plan each major project in writing, with a timeline and deadlines

• lay out mini-goals and check them off
• you need something to measure your progress against

1. Keep a "to do" and a "to think about" list
1. set a time each day to plan 
2. make lists in the morning or before bed
3. check during the day
4. review afterwards to see how you did
2. Distinguish between things you will definitely finish and things you hope to finish
3. Use timers/alarms/phones to remind you 

DO INSTEAD OF THINK!

Seek out more interaction with others:

-Don't get lost in dreams

- LISTEN to them DEEPLY 

- Actively seek out their views (nod your head, invite them to speak)

- Keep quiet, don't brag about what you know - make them comfortable

 

Thought vs. Intuition

I have always considered myself a good "thinker" though I have also known for some time that I am generally confusing to others when I try to convey exactly how I come to a conclusion. I am only now understanding why my extemporaneous thought has always been rather confusing to others.

What I am realizing is that while I may be an ENTP, my strongest attributes are external intuition and internal thinking. Internally I am able to quickly highlight the key aspects of a situation and make a decision off of them. Being a strong N-type means I am admittedly weak at walking through the small steps I made to arrive at a conclusion. I should avoid trying to share the inner workings of my admittedly non-linear thought processes without first pausing to synthesize it into something another human being can process. There is nothing wrong with sharing my general opinion of a situation, the biggest concerns/risks I have identified but if I wish to consider "debate" further, I should write out my thinking privately in a clear and linear manner. Only then it will be in a form that a larger population can follow.

Also, slowing down would probably be helpful too

Ruminating

While one of my biggest assets is my ability to be adaptable, the blase', almost aimless approach I often take might be a little too passive.While I am often quite reflective, I don't often make as many tangible changes because of my approach.

I need to stay grounded and keep my head from getting lost in a world possibilities.Short-sightedness, narrow thinking and a lack of vision are three things I try to avoid, though most of my mental wanderings/ideas/planning/dreaming aren't really beneficial. They often cause me to doubt myself. When I am present and focus on what I am doing, I am generally pretty happy. There is nothing wrong with pausing and working on tangible improvements to my life, but the all-pervasive, second-guessing I frequently engage in doesn't usually do anything but bring anxiety and confusion (things like Facebook are good at helping to generate these thoughts). It rarely results in a plan or even a single step I might take to improve my lot. The question I should be asking should be simply, "does my situation make me unhappy" or "am I mostly responsible for my own unhappiness?" In either case, what concrete steps might I take to find a more enjoyable life. Wishing I had taken another career or educational path, wishing I had more money/looks/intelligence, or that old relationships had panned out doesn't do anything. Wishing I might change the world without participating in it is just self-indulgent fantasy.

I need more short terms goals, I need more self discipline, I need determination, I need a little more selflessness, I need to take a few more targeted risks, I need to seek out feedback from those who care about me.

To do that I need more alone time. I reflect on what I really value and what would be the most beneficial to those around me. I need to open my eyes to see the needs beyond my own narrow scope. This does not mean I should be unimaginative, but that I should focus only on the things I can actually hope to accomplish (and then maybe multiply by a factor of two for good measure). I need to focus on the short term and intermediate terms tasks that I need to execute on in order to carry out whatever vision I want to bring to life.

Refinement?

So, I sit here on my porch with smug satisfaction.  Drinking from a leaded crystal tumbler. Drinking a little refreshing summer cocktail I whipped up with things from the garden: cucumber, basil, lemon mint, a splash of lemonade, club soda, vodka and a pinch of salt. I think how simple most bars are and how I can much nicer drinks for myself. Such pretentious taste. 

I reflect on my own life. How I would rather live in this hundred year old house with it's thick molding, hardwood floors, and high ceiling than live in some comfortable boring, ordinary abode in the 'burbs.... even if it is in the hood and refuses to cool below 80 for the months of July and August. How I am willing to trade these immediate comforts for the perception of refinement. I think about my past at Bridgewater or at the Governor's School and the satisfaction that came from telling others I attended. Or at work, where I just joined the Capital City Club. Each morning I sit and dine from a breakfast spread that rivals some of the nicest hotels I have stayed in. Or last night I, reflected on my own disdain for my parents TV viewing habits as I watch classic cinema on Netflix. Such arrogance. Such pretension.  

I wonder what I am trying to compensate for? My own trailer trash past? My country accent. The pervaise perception that anyone with a southern accent must be stupid? A critical father? I remember my last two bosses always got a kick out of making fun of my southern past. Was it from Governor's school and trying to  compete with everyone else? My complete ignorance to even the most elementary aspects of etiquette as a child? I can't think of any specific instances when I was spurned by a woman that would have caused this.

I also can think of just as many instances when I have embraced low brow activities, though I generally view these as satire. I feel different when I am enjoying nicer things. I suppose I am still mentally playing, but I feel as if that is where I belong.

Mindfulness

Let's talk...

Chance...

An honest man cannot ignore the profound role that chance plays in his life. I do need to give credit to Buffet for reminding me of the side I often forget. I think it explains a lot of the political divide we have in our country. I guess the answer is that both are right and both are wrong. Chance is real, so is hard work and they each play varying roles in every person's life. One certainly cannot succeed without hard work, but one also cannot also look back at life and argue that fortune did not play a role.


Buffet acknowledges had he been born black or born a woman expectations would have been different and he wouldn't have been nearly as successful. Jay-Z also talks about how lucky he was just to make it out alive from his own crime-ridden neighborhood.

Said differently, everyone buys a lottery ticket with some small sliver of hope, but only one will win. Life is similar in some regards (though success is much more likely if you do "buy the ticket.")

I am reminded of the words of Qoheleth (Ecclesiastes).

"Again I saw that under the sun the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, nor bread to the wise, nor riches to the intelligent, nor favor to those with knowledge, but time and chance happen to them all.

Fools are put in many high positions, while the rich occupy the low ones.

I have seen slaves on horseback, while princes go on foot like slaves.

Whoever digs a pit may fall into it; whoever breaks through a wall may be bitten by a snake.

Whoever quarries stones may be injured by them; whoever splits logs may be endangered by them."

However, ultimately the perception of events is in the mind of the individual. I think that's why Buddhism has been so helpful. It reminded me that my outlook determines my happiness. As Buffet demonstrates in the video below, had be born in India with the same skills, they would have been much less useless, but he would have done it regardless of the payout. He says he would have traded had the payout been in seashells. His own life reflects that. He certainly does not live like a billionaire.

"Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do."

"Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom."

and most elusively....

"Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun--all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun."


(start at :50)

A harmony of minds

Sad song still make me smile...

We live in an odd time

I was just watching the news and some blurb about Richard Branson (the iconic Billionaire from Virgin Mobile) and his latest adventure to explore the seas, Virgin Oceanic (which follows up his equally ambitious project, Virgin Galactic). Moments later, on the same station, an infomercial appeared for some silly kitchen device that makes chopping vegetables easier. I guess it just highlighted for me, what a strange world we live in. Where technologies which should have been invented hundreds of years ago are still able to make people millions, while at the same time others are using very expensive technologies only invented within the last few years to explore the known frontiers of the universe. It demonstrated that there are always "inefficiences" or at least opportunities to improve upon the everyday experience, regardless of how trivial. The second is that the far frontiers of science seem very out of reach. This dichotomy has always bothered me. I feel as though I have a great deal of creativity, but it the areas where it can be put to use often seem rather limited - as if all of the great ideas have already been invented. I guess what this should teach me is that though the little vegetable chopper might seem totally useless and banal, it probably does provide a great deal of social utility (by virtue of its profits), even in its super-simple form. I should always remind myself not to get demoralized and that there are always a thousand improvements on the everyday experience I could easily bring to market.

The Compassion of Adam Smith

Below are some excerpts that I re-worded from Adam Smith's lesser-known first work, The Theory of Moral Sentiments. I have been taking the compassionate course at the UU and was quite surpised to find these penned by word's most well known economist. I was also surprised to see that his interest was not initially in understanding markets, but in understanding people. He began his studies as a social philosopher.

 _____

No matter how selfish a man may be, most will always have some interest in the feelings of others. This pity or compassion is the emotion we feel when we see the misery of other creatures. The fact that we can derive sorrows from the sorrows of others is a matter too obvious to require any instances to prove it. This sentiment like all the other passions of human nature is by no means confined to the virtuous or the humane, though they may in fact feel it with the most exquisite sensibility. The most hardened heart is not altogether without it.  

As we have no natural ability to experience what other men feel, we can never understand the depth and nature of their feelings beyond conceiving what we ourselves would feel in a similar situation – we rely on the impression of our own senses and our own personal histories. Though our brother may be on the rack, as long as we ourselves are at ease, our senses will never inform us of what he suffers. Our own cognition never has and never can, carry us beyond our own person, and it is only through sheer imagination that we can form any conception of another's sensation.
The administration of the great system of the universe and the care of the universal happiness of all rational and sensible beings, is the business of God and not of man. To man is allotted a much humbler department, but one much more suitable to the narrowness of his powers and his comprehension: the care of his own happiness; to the extent possible, that of his family, his friends, his country. But though we are endowed with a very strong desire of those ends, it has been entrusted to the slow and uncertain determinations of our reason to find out the proper means of bringing them about. Nature has directed us to these ends through innate instinct: hunger, thirst, the passion which unites the two sexes, and the dread of pain, prompt us to apply those means for their own sakes. We do these things without any consideration of their tendency produce beneficial ends which the "great Director of nature" intended them to produce.
Thus being led they mean only their own convenience and the gratification of their insatiable desires and often vain desire, they divide with the others the products of all their improvements. They are led by an invisible hand to make nearly the same distribution of the necessaries of life, which would have been made, had the earth been divided into equal portions among all its inhabitants, and thus without intending it, without knowing it, advance the interest of the society.

..the more they stay the same

Sadly....

 

"With the greater part of rich people, the chief enjoyment of riches consists in the parade of riches."

-Adam Smith

 

If only we saw it this way:

 

"The chief end of labor is leisure."

-Aristotle

What I enjoy and why....

I made a list of all the activities I enjoyed and then made a list of reasons I enjoy them and consended it to the following qualities:

·         Ability to find beauty and bring things to life

·         Meaningful work (think about what this really means?)

·         Being mentally challenged and stretched

·         Ability to be creative

·         Autonomy

·         New experiences on a daily basis (places, people, food, ect - doesn't have to be  anything exotic either, could be just walking down a new street)

·         Working with people in order to change my own limited perspective

Spiritual Malaise

I have noticed a distinct lack of "passion" in my life lately. I have felt a general disinterest in most things. Right now I feel a general spiritual malaise. Sarte called it "the nausea" - a palpable weight on my soul, that I carry around. I am not sure if this is because I have an aversion to routine and I am in a very normal 9-5 job, because I have all of my biological needs (food, sleep, sex, shelter) met with little stress and applied effort  (I think hunger in the specific and in the broad sense is a good thing), or if I am coming to the same conclusion as Ecclesiasties that I will find less and less happiness as I age (I have certainly embraced the concept that life is inherently meaningless [and that purpose is what we create in the lack of this meaning]), if it's just a normal cycle of my hypomania, or a normal withdrawal from caffeine and to some degree alcohol, or this is in fact a normal response to the life I am currently living (one that while covering all of my basic life needs is, to use an economic term, far from my potential output).

 

I supposed I should attack them systematically:

• Aversion to routine: I do in fact despise the routinized life so common in corporate America. I have only been here and I have altered my daily habits at least a dozen times. I tried new restaurants every day during lunch, I biked to work, I started eating a big breakfast and working out during lunch. I met friends for happy hour after work. I started to read after work. I started to meditate during lunch. I started to read during lunch. I worked late. I started waking up earlier. I enjoy novelty. It is the one thing that makes me excited. Just running through a new neighborhood in the morning and seeing how other live their lives is often enough to cheer me up for bit. I guess this what it means is that I need to make an effort in both life and my job to meet new people and see new things to whatever extent I am able. I am not doing this now.
• Biologically satiated- I think experiencing the elements, going hungry and having an unmet sex drive is good. It seems to motivate me to improve my condition instead of "going soft" in the padded seats, AC, and munching on good food all day. I think Epicurus was right.
• Life gets boring with age - well, being 27, I can say that the trajectory of my life confirms the general trend, but I am too young to speak with any experience. I am also not sure if the dry, boring life I am living now is more a result of conformity and having let social norms beat out most aspects of individuality (through embarrassment, by dangling capital in my face, by succumbing to the expectations of women I encountered) I might have clung to as a child. It does seem rather obvious that the more you try things the less interesting they will be, but I am also convinced that with the almost infinite array of diversity in the world (among people, geography, art, and plants... all ranging from the microscopic to the scale of galaxies... each with an infinite number of theories and models for processing, understanding and predicting how things will flow through time) that I should be able to find a ceaseless stream of gratitude and a deep deep well of amazement to draw from and drink it's cool waters. Verdict: to be determined. Would probably be good to take an informal survey of my older friends to get their opinion on this (note to self: make sure to get a real view and not an idealized version). 
• Seasonal mood fluctuation - possible, need better documentation, consult with friends, read scientific literature. No real insight here other than these things seem to be moderated by exercise, sleep and a good diet, all of which I have.
• Caffeine - plays a stronger role than I would like on my mood. I do feel quite happy when I drink it. There is a noticeable absence when I don't. Life is probably better without it. If i do use it, it should only be recreational and not a part of my daily routine (other than maybe decaf as a digestive aide).
• Normal Response to current situation - I think there is merit here. I recently had a phone interview with a firm from London and was quite excited by the prospect of a new job in a new place that would challenge me and give me time to travel and work with people. I need to reflect more on what I really want and where I am systematically missing out on these things in my current phase of life.
• I haven't been to any new clubs/groups, pursued any new hobbies, locations, or even dates in a while. This has partly been because I have not wanted my happiness to be contingent upon my circumstances (I have this strange desire to create a worldview that I could apply even if I were in a wheelchair in a nursing home - it just seems more honest since that is a very real possibility one day) so I have been trying to find contentment in my ordinary day-to-day life. Though this seems to be selling myself short if I am capable of doing things I would enjoy and am forcing myself to forego them. At a minimum I should be reading the free times more and going to events that look interesting. I should actively be expanding my circle of friends. I should be taking time at least one afternoon a week to enjoy my hobbies and carry out projects I have been wanting to for a while (particularly a few photo-essays on things around Columbia). I need to get involved with the service groups I looked into last week.     

This plan makes me a feel a tad better. I think I just gave myself something to look forward to in the coming weeks. I have a little smile on my face... 

The Graduate

Strange. I remembered the ending of this film pretty accurately until the final few seconds. I always carried an image of two people riding off in a red convertible still laughing about what had just happened - imagining they had found their own way, that they had found their own version of redemption. My mind totally edited out the final few seconds where they started to drift apart mentally. The Simon and Garfunkel soundtrack was so perfectly timed. Damn that is such a great film. 

Is it beneficial?

I was in the book club at UU and made a comment about talking with others and one of the guys said it sounded like the Rotary Club 4-way test. It is quite close to my own value system.
__

Of the things we think, say or do
Is it the TRUTH?
Is it FAIR to all concerned?
Will it build GOODWILL and BETTER FRIENDSHIPS?
Will it be BENEFICIAL to all concerned?
____

I  think it's an excellent way of summarizing how we should deal with each other and a very good model for behavior. I like things like this because they help me to make sense of difficult situations and give me at least one sensible way to quickly deal with those issues when they arise.


(After reading it, I realized had seen this years ago on a fountain in Charleston in Marion Square.)

____

In other news, I have been writing a lot in the little moleskine book I purchased the other week. It's been helpful for sorting out my thoughts and has given me a way to record things that I might otherwise forget. As I expected, its also been much less distracting than trying to take notes on my phone (Facebook/texts/email, ect - generally an electronic black hole). Though I have noticed it makes me appear a bit curious to outsiders. Overall, it's been a nice addition. I think I am going to keep using it. It's worth the extra space it takes up in my pocket. 

The most useful aspect has been for recording my failures in human interactions. Given I am able to immediately jot down what I would like to work on, it has served as a faithful aid. I have been able to reflect on those mini-lessons and take down the advice of others. Without this record I, likely would be repeating these same mistakes more frequently.

One of the most curious things that I discovered after using it for the past couple of weeks is that I use different pronouns at times. For some notes, I will say "I" while in others I will say "you." I wonder if I have pinpointed at least a bifurcation in  the different voices I might have internalized over the years. I will try to pay more attention to it in my day-to-day life.

____


I have been doing a bit of reading lately (at least more than usual). The most recent book I went through was The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm.  I have enjoyed it, but reading has ironically (particularly given the subject matter of this book) made me want interaction with real people less and less (Though this might be because lately I have been in a position of talking through problems others are having rather than seeking guidance on my own). Books have a way of being succinct and dense that often doesn't happen in regular conversation. It seems like a good book will have several compelling ideas on a single page whereas it might take half an hour to glean as many from most conversations. It's also hard to get to a point where ideas are actually flowing back and forth. People are way too guarded. It has also taught me to recognize the importance of "bad company" - to identify "zombies." People whose souls have died but whose mouths still work - people who chatter about banal trivialities (my sense of humor falls into this too - it is often without substance and is something I need to discard in large part). Along those lines it has pushed me to try to really listen in conversation (though this is admittedly VERY tough for me). I am often making more judgments and internal evaluations than anything else. Memorizing what the person says is not listening. Listening is about shutting out my own internal chatter and really being with the person there. It's easy to sound off advice without really believing a word of it. It is an entirely different process to just shut up and really try to empathize with someone else.

The other challenge this book has left me with is to be content while I am alone. The author asserted that the ability to be happy alone is a prerequisite for love. I think there is some truth in this. Particularly since I often view relationships as a way to fulfill my own longings (to varying degrees: intellectual stimulation, acceptance, love, forgiveness, financial security, companionship). I think what Fromm was trying to say was that real love depends not on selflessness and embedded expectations of getting something in return. In any case it's certainly not related to the naive and infectious idea of "courtly love" so often tossed around as the ideal in today - the notion that obsession with some "true love" who will complete you.

I guess this is generally highlighting the start of a recent arch I have made from an obsession with my own destiny (career, education, economic security, personal spiritual development, to something related to, as a good Buddhist would say, reducing suffering in the world. I guess I am ready to start giving back a little (at .
least beyond the immediate circle of friends/family).
___

On the job front: I have tried to spend my lunch hour either writing, reading, meditating or exercising. It's a good way to break up the monotony of the day and get away from all the chatter of work (unavoidable if I dine with co-workers. 4 hours in the morning and 4 in the afternoon are pretty easy with that gap. I also should be scheduling more lunches with friends (particularly people I have identified as mentors in my own life).

The job itself is bearable. I am not unhappy there, but neither am I excited to go to work. It pays my bills and is not very stressful. I feel useful which is nice, but there is so much more I could be doing with my time and that always nags at my soul. The people are friendly and my boss has been very kind which is a welcome change (this is also my first female superior). We are quite different, but I appreciate that she looks out after me. It's nice to have that sense of protection rather than fear. I think a good boss is essential to any real career development and long term success at a job. I also try, to make sure I leave work at work at a reasonable hour and not bring it home with me.

I find myself more and more convinced of a life I keep drifting farther and farther away from. I feel like I am getting more and more entrenched with a sedate middle class yuppie lifestyle with each passing day though what I want couldn't be farther from this. I wonder if I am determined to make myself perpetually restless or if I am getting ready for a big life change. 

Changes

Well, once I made a decision to stop chasing company just for the sake of it, I haven't had very much to do besides read, sleep, and reflect. I have mainly slept a lot. It's also the first time since I was a small child that I would rather read than go socialize.  Generally, I come home from work, read for around an hour and just go to bed. I have gone to bed before 9 most nights this week (I am not sure how I have been able to sleep so muchion - I also supposed tonight is an exception since I am awake at 3:30 writing this). I also feel like I am at a point in my life where I am finally ready to settle down a bit. Most likely not ready for marriage, but at least  ready for something serious.

I guess I am writing because I know I should be doing more than what I just wrote with my time and want to plan out better use of it (or at least come to peace with this recent change).  Yet, while there is so much more I "could" be doing, but I just feel like I have done a lot of it. I guess I should also remind myself, the desire to constantly be doing something is also what I am fighting against. I want to be at peace, not to be perpetually ecstatic.

For the times when I do go out, I also need to think of all the people I would like to spend time with. I need to surround myself with friends who help me grow. They are mostly older, reflective people largely drawn from my circle of friends at the UU. Though lately, it seems like books are beginning to offer the most promise. That said, the idea of hanging out with dusty tomes seems silly. There has to be more to life than sitting around staring at printed words (or lights flashing on a screen for that matter).

I also can't decide if this realization has pushed me one step closer to moving away. I am feeling the allure of NYC again (or at least a city with more young adults as I slowly graduate from the college stage) as well as a general desire to go wander.

I suppose this is just an adjustment period. Contentment doesn't come easy. I scribbled something in my notebook the other day: "if I want to be at peace I am going to have to stop embracing my restless spirit." I am not sure if that is true, but I am def going to need to brush it aside during the periods of my life where I am not  in a position to wander. I guess that's the point of what I was writing. To control my thoughts and desires. To live deliberately and not be subject to every little whim. I guess that's where I am at. I made a decision to change and I want to stick with it.

Passion

always elusive...

Thoughts on Aging

Just some notes I jotted down from a discussion about the process of aging that I thought were worth sharing:

• loss of fear - primarily a result of experiencing failure and an acceptance that failure is ok, 
• the role of chance in life - and a tacit admission that we do not have control over our own destiny nearly as much as we would like
• everyone has something to teach
• A gradual disbelief in my own ability to know things with certainty (with this is religious fundamentalism, pure evil, and fairy tale notions of true love)
• a gradual acceptance of "reality" and a letting go of magical thinking (same list as above)... also a slow release from the torment of extreme philosophical views like solipsism
• also an appreciation for the natural world and the infinite interconnectedness of life and matter and the wonders of science
• Empathy/sympathy/compassion for others (this is also in no small part a result of failure and our ability to have common experiences)
• Self-control - particularly in moments when we are emotionally charged
• admitting ones own faults easily, and maybe even embracing them
• an appreciation for the role of art in human expression
• a release from the view that social structures and conventions matter, and a belief that they are all just a silly little game we all play

'But I would suggest that an ideal human life lies somewhere between my own defiant indolence and the rest of the world’s endless frenetic hustle. My role is just to be a bad influence, the kid standing outside the classroom window making faces at you at your desk, urging you to just this once make some excuse and get out of there, come outside and play."


Good article on the right pace of life....
http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/06/30/the-busy-trap/?smid=tw-share

Weary

I want companionship, among other things
In the absence of the former, I too often settle for the latter
Which has a way of sucking up all my available resources
time, money, energy
The tradeoff is worth less with each occurrence
I need to stop chasing trash and simpletons
for women who still live for their mother's approval
and those who cling to silly notions of childhood
yes, fairy tales of a perfect romanace
I am no prince
those who's hearts are chained to another
or those who have withered from heartbreak
I already know what I want
I just have to go after it
and stop getting distracted by nonsense

Mouth Breathing and ADHD

This is a bit different than most of my posts, but after seeing the benefits (and Google traffic to this site from an old post on ADHD, I thought it was worth sharing).
My newfound quest to document my biggest problems has led me first to focus on my lack of quality sleep. I long ago realized that feeling well-rested was a main source of "happiness" most days. It is hard to be grumpy when I wake up feeling like a new man. I rarely have problems sleeping, but I also rarely feel rested in the morning. I am sluggish, my eyes are often burning and I generally feel worse than when I went to bed. I had written this off as "not being a morning person" but I think there is more to it than that.

I have long known of my own snoring problems and my brother's own sleep apnea problems (he uses a breathing machine to sleep at night). Ex-girlfriends have often told me how awful I my snoring can be as well as times when I have stopped breathing and then gasped for air while sleeping. I have been reluctant to do that just because I do not want to become dependent upon such cumbersome external devices. However, I have also ignored small things which might have helped me to overcome my own lack of quality sleep. The key recommendations for a good night’s sleep have always been: exercise, no late meals and no alcohol close to bedtime. I have only haphazardly followed those directions and. It is often advised that people sleep on their back, breathe through their nose and stay well hydrated. I did not do any of those and it has caused persistent sinus problems which has led to me too often to be a "mouth breather" instead of typically breathing through my nose which has numerous health benefits including filtering air, humidifying air, increasing oxygen uptake, and even releasing nitrous oxide which increases oxygen uptake further.

A recent article also suggests that it may be the cause of ADHD diagnoses. This makes intuitive sense, as I can certain relate to the mental fogginess that always appears the day after an all-night or those unfortunate days where I must wake up early after a long night out on the town. I can also relate to the anxiety that comes from not being able to breathe, either while swimming or while wrestling.
I also noticed how calming "nose breathing" can be through practicing yoga and meditation.  In both of these disciplines it is an essential aspect. For whatever reason, they both also greatly reduce anxiety. I have also noticed that when I forcibly applied pressure to my cheeks to make breathing easier my performance while running increased drastically. I was able to run a 5K at a nice clip without much effort.

Anyway, after documenting (and reflecting on the past) I can see a clear relationship between sleep and productivity/clarity. So, with that duly noted, I am attacking it head on - 8 glasses of water, regular exercise, and I also just ordered breathe right strips and a neti pot. Even this week, after just three days of directed effort, I have observed a noticeable difference. I feel much more clarity, and my thoughts don't seem quite as overwhelming.

____

Update: 6/29

Oh my god! Sweet baby Jesus (or maybe I should thank Vishnu since this originated from Vedic texts). In any case, the neti pot is amazing. I would have given the breate right strips a 10 before, but after using the neti pot for the first time yesterday afternoon, I am hooked. I have asolutely no obstructions and slept like a baby. I feel like someone poured the equivalent of sinus-equivalent draino down my airways. I have been missing out.... 

I was having a discussion with one of the guys at UU about his self-published book (mainly for his own benefit) on happiness. One of his seven points is that we are unhappy because we are often not very rational. Earlier this week, I was reading over some of my old trading logs from my senior thesis and was rather surprised at all the insights I had recorded once I forced myself to follow some basic guideilnes before making trades. They reduced my trading costs, risks and more importantly, the emotional anxiety that I often let creep in as a result of just winging trades. Both of these reminded me that I need to be "scientific" about how I do things. I learned value of this at Bridgewater many times over. Intuition is very important, and its value cannot be underestimated, but it needs to be tempered by facts and data. 

In general, I need to make better documentation surrounding issues I am having. This includes basic things like life habits (sleep, food, exercise, hobbies, work) and how they effect my quality of life and overall sense of well-being. Outlining basic causes and effects is easy and only takes a few minutes per day.

This should also include interpersonal issues. I often find myself internally going don't do that because this or that negative consequence will happen if you do. Yet at the same time I lack the resolve to follow through. While it isn't certain that having a clear outline will make me have better self control (nor do I have any desire to turn myself into an automaton once I create a list of rules for myself), I think having better facts will probably help me solve my problems much more quickly and parse through the data that I might otherwise miss. The problem with intuition is that it is also easy to ignore. Data is less easily dismissed. Especially when the observations span weeks and months. It's also nice to have the collection of accumulated wisdom from years past all at my finger times. It's so easy to spend weeks coming to some profound insight about a personal flaw, to recognize, it master it and then fall back into the same habits years later. It's nice to be able to quickly glance at a few pages of notes/principles and asses relative personal progress.

It also goes back to something I discussed on here before about the power of simply writing things down. For the past several years, putting ideas in writing has an almost magical way of helpiong me to accomplish those tasks. This might be a result of the forced articulation of thought that it requires. It forces me to stay on track and allows me to make several steps of progress that I might not otherwise make because of my internal distractions. Writing allows me to pick up right where I left off whereas returning to an earlier thought is never so easy.

It also builds upon my other post about wanting to get rid of my cell phone (or at least break my connection to it). 

Last week in my iPhone of the past few years finally died. It just didn't turn on after a night on the town. I assume the battery finally gave out.

For two days I went without it. I was relaxed. I felt at peace. I didn't feel the need to constantly do something: to always text someone, to research every question that arises in my mind, to document important thoughts, to cure my boredom with music, to read emails.

At the local flea market, I noticed people's faces in a way that I hadn't before. I met more people. I actually rummaged through what was there rather than casually walking by.

I was even more perceptive on my on walk and the tension in my face and back.

My car ride to a family reunion was not interrupted by rings nor was a distracted from staring at my phone. I am sure the highways of this fine state were safer because of it. 

On my way home, I stopped at corn fields and ate straight from the stalk. I got out my camera and photographed the rural area I came from. I took in the world around me and didn't really stress about anything.

Anyway, I bought a new phone a few days later, put part of my doesn't want it. Or at least I want to leave it in my car or at home - not in my pocket where it serves as a digital leash. I also want to withdraw from the need, Facebook, and all the noise that seems to create tension, anxiety and mental dis-ease.

I feel the anxiety slowing creeping back: the desire to be connected, to be informed. It's also made me aware of how much anxiety I left creep into my life via the disparet forms of communication: politically charged and inflammtory news stories, emotional distress on Facebook from friends, the need to "catch up," the longing and desire it always seems to create, and the sense of inferority and second-guessing it seems to fester.
I want to hear the birds, the wind., to look people around me in the eye, to think without distraction.

Instead of an iPhone I think I should switch to paper where I can quite literally gather my thoughts up like lost sheep. Where I can pause and focus and not be distracted by the next beep or buzz, where I am not overwhelmed with choice. Where I can reflect without the constant intrusion.

...where I can listen

Somebody that I used to know

"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." -Tolstoy



So it is with lovers and breakups. I spent months looking for the perfect breakup song, and none could ever articulate the special kind of sadness I carried around. I think that is what made it so hard. If someone had said what I felt I think it might have been easier. It just took a long time for me to birth what I really felt. Emotions buried so deep within my soul I had revisit parts of my childhood just to fully understand it all.

That being said, I don't think I have ever seen so many views on a video on YouTube. I think that song does capture one of the most difficult parts of a breakup. It just doesn't make sense to me how two people can be so close and a season or two later be so emotionally distant. Neruda said in his famous love poem "my heart is not content to have lost her." He was talking about the more conventional longing, but the words are still true. There is a sense that things should not be this way. On a related note, the radio show This American Life did a pretty funny episode on the whole topic of breakup songs and our collective need to put heartache to music. Maybe that's the allure of art. It gives us a way to say the things we don't know how any other way.

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/339/break-up

Anyway, just thought it was a song worth sharing though it appears everyone else has already heard it....