Progress

More trees! I met with the guy from the city forestry department today. We got about a dozen or so this year, but I have been bugging him for a comprehensive forestry plan for the area. Today was the first step in that process. We walked around the area near my house  and marked off about 50 spots for new trees. That's only about 25% of the neighborhood though. All said, I think we will be adding several hundred new trees when it's all done.

I also called the guy who owns all of the properties near my house and floated the idea of updating them and possibly converting them to college rentals. He seemed to like the idea and said he would visit at some time in the future to check them out. New neighbors maybe?

I wish we'd said more

Cool link

Memories of Utah

Work hard, play hard

   We broke ground on the community garden. It's tough work. I can't imagine doing that shit with a donkey and a plow, much less a hoe and a pick axe.  I cut down a tree and found we had made three baby squirrels homeless. Marvin, the community association president has really impressed me. He's done a lot of behind the scenes work to make all of these little projects happen. Contacting boy scouts, local schools, churches... He even got a buddy of his, who is a teacher at the local tech center, to get his class to build us a tool shed.  He's had to deal with the city to get clearance to use to adjacent lots. He even contacted the Clemson Extension to get them to select the best lots and evaluate soil quality. I definitely learned the benefit of teamwork in this whole process. I never valued it before. I liken it a lot to wikipedia. Everyone just does what interests them or what they are good at (editing, adding content, finding images) and it all gels into something much greater.

I worked so hard on this thing my fingers started cramping.

     That morning I went around to all the vacant lots I noticed last week during the cleanup. I scavenged some flowers I saw that were just going to get mowed over as summer progresses. I guess that is technically stealing, but my conscience doesn't feel too guilty. I think the flowers were ready for a new home.

     After the ground breaking, I went back to the coast for a Widespread Panic concert at the House of Blues in Myrtle Beach. Pot. Head. Convention. Entertaining though. Those guys rocked it out forover 4 hours. For three nights in a row. I rode around with my friend Cory who's on the track that I left last year. He's working in finance in Charlotte. He's quite a lot like me actually... USC grad, grew up in a small town, on a farm, distant relationship with dad. Anyway, he's doing what most guys would do. Buy a BMW, buy a nice condo, dress a certain way, buy expensive sunglasses, take vacations to places like Iceland and Norway. I still don't know if a care for his life though - he doesn't have a lot of free time, and it's such a rat race to compete with everyone else so you end up blowing a lot of what you make. He does have the freedom to do what he wants on the weekends though. It's strange how everyone goes in with such different perspectives and then ends up exactly the same. Granite counter tops, italian leather loafers, iPhones. I think it might be bearable if I had time to work on making new friends outside of work, but I think that was the nail in the coffin. My universe kept shrinking as my bank account grew. Maybe it was because I was in CT. I wonder if it had been different if I was in a city of yuppies (like Charlotte) or in a major city like NYC or Boston.

I found the word that describes the way I have been feeling lately: Blase. It's ironically a synonym for sophisticated. Sometimes I feel words over insights into life I wouldn't have had otherwise. I'll post the definitions for both below.

Sophisticated: deprived of native or orginal simplicity

Blase: apathetic to pleasure of excitement as a result of excessive indulgence or enjoyment

That might not be it though. It might just be a lack of purpose or the simple fact that I haven't had to work for anything. It's all been given to me lately. I'm trying to put my finger on it.

I don't know what I want

Private Island... Sunning on the beach...Racing on golf carts... private studio in a secluded mansion... all free and in perfect weather

Charleston in the spring.

Fine dining (yes, those are deep friend cheese grits)

   All this, thanks to the generosity of friends... and yet I still manage to find myself in a rut. I don't know what's keeping me down, but I've been a bit out of it the last few weeks. I guess it's the fact that I am not looking forward to going back to work (at least the kind I was doing before) and I have absolutely no clue what I want to do, given I can still easily change the course of my vocation. As much as I like novelty, uncertainty about my own future is very unsettling to me. I like having a plan I can loosely stick to. I do know that I am getting tired of playing and I have no interest in retirement (I do hope these two facts will help me to focus when I do have a clear mission), but I am beginning to get a little scared when a vacation can't even cheer me up.

     I met up with an old friend today. She is the girl that invited me to Mardi Gras. Anyway, she also knows an old roomate from college (we all went to college high school). They both know my old girlfriend (not my most recent) who also went to HS with us. Anyway, we were talking about breaking up and old relationships and she said my old room mate once told her "all Justin cares about in this world is Vidthya and music." It pushed me into my head for a little while and I got lost in thought (speaking of such things, I discovered the actual meaning of schizophrenia today and in the process of reading about it on Wikipedia I discovered one of the symptoms is schizophasia or "word salad" - munch on that). In many ways, it may have been true. I don't take many things very seriously. Music isn't even one of them, though I do derive a great deal of pleasure from it. I think I almost deify people once I start to love them. Maybe I just need a kid so I have something to pour myself into.... though that seems selfish and rather pointless.

    Anyway, that coupled with what I was reading the other day in the Radical Honesty book (basically refocusing on the fact that EVERYTHING is in our heads. Obviously we perceive light through our pupils and retina and then recreate images within our brain, then combine them with our other senses to for our ideas of reality, but I hadn't taken it to the next, obvious step, which is that our memories are also just what we choose to remember, not what actually transpired.) When I realized that my life is simply a dusty vestige of moments which may or may not have happened, it's pushed me into a bit of a downer later. It's hard to get motivated when you realize you are basing your entire life on wisps of fog.


  As for the details of the weekend... I had some fantastic Osso Bucco at a restaurant called Mercado. Though I felt like I was dining on the Titantic. The people we were having dinner with were going bankrupt because of some bad real estate deals, and are currently living off of lines of credit. They were nice people, but didn't seem to want to face the fact that their life was going to drastically change in a few months.. though I can't blame them or really even criticize.

I got a new iPhone because Apple doesn't do in store repairs.

I tried a very interesting Bourbon Beer (porter aged in bourbon oak casks) by Brooklyn Brewery. I doubt I will have it again anytime soon though as it's $20 a bottle.

I saw a bunch of alligators on the island. Found some cool driftwood that I left in the beach house as found art. I also found a half dozen conch shells

Sinuses were draining all weekend, and I am beginning to think it's allergies. Thankfully it is letting up. I don't think I have ever had allergy problems before with the exception of a few days last year when I was in CT. I assumed it was some tree I hadn't been exposed to down south.

I also started tossing around the idea of moving to Charleston this summer and my friend said she wasn't going to be at her apartment and if her landlord consented, I could use it for free. Could be an interesting few months.

My friend whose parents own a hotel will be visiting NYC for his graduation and he asked me to run it for them while they are away. I think I am going to do it, and will probably find it interesting, but it will mean I can't go on the Appalachian trail hike since it's at the same time.

I had a nice surprise waiting for me when I made it back home.... the tulips in my yard were blooming.

Ground breaking on the community garden is tomorrow. After that I am heading back to the coast (Myrtle Beach this time though) to go to a Widespread Panic concert (also free - a friend wanted to go, and offered to buy my ticket). This will definitely be a cultural experience. Hopefully I can squeeze in a run and a nap before we leave.

Thought for the day

I walked up to the restroom and saw a sign that read "men." I knew it was the room I was supposed to go into, but I felt a little uneasy walking in. I felt like they wanted me to promise something I wasn't ready for.

Thought for the day

I want adventures, not vacations.

Quit doubting yourself, I cared

I wasn't looking for anything. You came along and wiggled your way in.

I want to get close again, but I am just scared.

It's easy now because things aren't very complicated. I ease my mind by telling myself it's better for you. Thankfully I believe the last part. I also know I will have to move for employment in a few months, so I don't want to go through  unnecessary,  rough goodbyes.

Felt like crap today

Sinuses are acting up. Went to lunch with a friend then came home and took a nap. That was all I did before 5:00.

The art history textbook I ordered came into today. Did some reading.

We made the local paper today. They published a story about our meeting.

http://www.thestate.com/2010/03/23/1212634/shooting-ignites-residents-concerns.html

We'll see if it makes a difference.

Headed to Charleston tomorrow. Taking some tour of historic homes during the day and spending the rest of the time on a private island just off the coast of Charleston. It's nice having generous friends.

I hope the weatherman isn't lying. Sunny and 70's all week.

Finally, a productive day

Today was a good day. I woke up a bit late, but made it to most of the art history class I signed up for. We are covering the Gothic period right now. I had recently been wondering where the idea of love we carry around comes from, and the teacher seemed to suggest it emerged during this period. He referred it to the rise of "chivalry and courtly love." I thought it was just Shakespeare. I'll do some more reading. It does make me feel better that it's a relatively new development in human history.

After that I did some yard work. I managed to fix my lawn mower and then break it again within a span of 30 minutes. The bolt that holds the blade in place broke in half so now I am going to have to bore it out in order to reattach another one. The weed eater still works though.

Afterwards I had a very important meeting with two members of city council, the south region police captian, the city of Columbia captain, and his boss, the director of public safety and homeland security. We also had the neighborhood presidents for the two neighborhoods that border mine, other residents, and a reporter from The State paper. We had a shooting several weeks ago which enabled us to scream for a little more attention. As I have recently learned, never pass up a good crisis.  They have since stepped up patrols as well as agreed to do more undercover sweeps.  It's the best time to push for big change. We also had a member of city council who was recently arrested for tax evasion. He had long stood in the way of progress but now that he is out, the other members are able to come in and work to clean things up.

After that we had another neighborhood meeting for our community garden project. We are going to be breaking ground this Saturday. I also purchased my first digital ad. You also have the ability to target based on a variety of criteria (age, relationship status, interests). Basically all of the information you post on Facebook is used to help target ads you might find interesting. It's the research every advertising executive wishes they could have. It's also surprisingly inexpensive. I can get 1000 impressions for around $.30. It's much easier than creating flyers. I am curious to see how effective it will be. I am only going to spend $3 per day for the next 5 days. Aside from the ads, I am excited to see how this unfolds. We have a lot that has been donated by a local church and we also have another that the city has agreed to donate. It's also nice to see new faces for each new project we take on. I was only initially worried with cleaning things up, but the process of actually getting people to work together on different projects has turned out to be just as rewarding.

I finished the night off by attending the mayor's debate. It was well attended. There were easily 500 people there. Glad to see others are getting involved.

Tomorrow I have lunch with Dale. He wants me to meet another guy my age who is working with a SC economic think tank. I'm also going to go pick up two trees for my house. I decided on the Chinese Zelcova for a shade tree on the southern side of my house and a Pissard Plum on the front side. I also had a guy come by yesterday and quote a price to paint my house, repair a few bricks, and replace some rotting trim. Total cost is only $900 which seems pretty good. I need to get back in touch with him. Not sure what color I want to paint it.

My Thoughts on Marriage

I wrote this around Christmas 2006, but my thoughts are largely the same... I would say I am much more open to the idea of casual relationships. Though there is MUCH MUCH MUCH to be learned from being in an intimate relationship with another person. It's so easy to get lost in your own head and your own ways. It's obviously nice to have someone from a practical perspective for companionship, but if that's the reason you're with someone, I still don't see a need to complicate things with marriage. This may change once I want kids... I had a friend who told me very clearly that this was why he got married. They shared similar values and he was ready to settle down. He didn't seem unhappy, but I wonder how he will feel in 5 years. Thankfully he is that much older than me, so I will have the opportunity to learn from his choices.

why is everyone in such a hurry??? I just don't understand the rush... i mean i understand the desire to find someone, but given that 50% percent of marriages end in divorce wouldn't it seem prudent to wait a little while longer, and make sure you're not being impulsive and letting your emotions take control, and to make sure you're at a point in your life where you and your spouse both won't be two entirely different people in 5 years.... just think of how much you have changed from freshman year of high school to when you graduated, then the first year of college... i can't imagine that process slows down, or that the person who was compatable with me at 17 would be at 22... or 25 or 30.... i have too many fundamental things yet to discover about the world and about myself....

more importantly, what I am trying to say is that I think far too many people view singleness as a plague, as if there is something wrong with them if they are not dating someone. It's just incredible to me that the time between most people saying they want to date someone and the time it takes for them to find someone is usually only a few months. I've had my eyes open for 5 years and have yet to meet anyone I could consider dating indefinitely, much less being married to. It took a long time for me to say that it is ok if i never meet anyone though I think there are certainly many people in the world that I could be happily married to happily... there are 6 Billion in the world. rougly 3 billion women. Say approximately 10% are in my age range - that's 300 million. Say i'm only attracted to 5% of those, that's 1 out of 20. That's 15 million women i'm attracted to. Now i have a certain level of intelligence, i want the top. .1%. Well, now it's down to 15,000. Then throw in similar tastes in music, film, investing, religion, sense of humor, and life goals. I'm sure it's still in the hundreds. But when you consider that they would normally be spread out over the world and contrast that with the fact that I have spent all of my life in South Carolina, i am not inclined to believe that i will find "her" (whatever that means) here, or anytime soon.... the odds of me running into one of those girls in my myopic travels, and then having the gall to go up and talk (and conincidentally assuming that she would also be attracted to me)to her are pretty low. So that being said, I typically assume that there are much better matches for me, additionally, considering I have already dated a few amazing girls in the past, i have very high expectations of what a relationship is, and how close two people really can become. That makes it really difficult to just enter into trivial relationships with other...

from that take this:
1) i believe in finding someone that i could have an amazing relationship with, and the odds of her existence are pretty high
2.) i think that not only is there someone that i could be happy with, but many people that i could be satisfied with for the rest of my life
3.) that the odds of finding someone necessarily aren't high, and i understand that. I have simply I accepted the that it might actually take time to find someone i could be with regardless of when I would like it to happen.... and that it may never happen

essentially: i am a realist, and i'm not waiting for a "soul mate" and i'm in no hurry - though i do believe in love


anyway, the second point of this was just to say please stop with all of the sappy Notebook love stories, i mean seriously, she was engaged and then cheated on her soon to be husband to be with another guy. In reality most of the girls who tell me they love the movie would probably call her a whore behind her back if they were her friend in real life, and I have yet to see what the two really had in common other than some youthful lust and sappy memories...

and could someone please tell me why this quote is so popular????

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”

other than the fact that 2/3 of it is pure vanity and it assumes that every girl is physically beautiful to some guy, i have a few other objections.... (though i believe in the inherent worth of individuals from a Christian perspective) i cannot understand why every girl assumes she deserves this prima facie, and why this should be accepted as universal advice for all girls..... it's crap... i say show me your worth and THEN I will adore you, you may have inherent value, but you're not entitled to adoration just because you are a female... i say wait for the guy who cares to discover who you really are, and admires what he discovers. And i say to guys wait for the girl that has enough security that she doesn't need to you complement her like a high schooler to feel better about herself, and that she already understands that her beauty is a poor reason to ultimately love her since she will one day grow old, wrinkled, and gray haired. Why must he want to shout your beauty from the rooftops... i don't show myself off when i am in sweats (i don't wear sweats outside of my house as a matter of fact) why on earth would i ever want to parade my wife/gf around when she is at her lowest point... to prove how truly beautiful she is??? why do girls complain when guys focus on physical attraction but then ask to be valued as an object of physical adoration (i'm not justifying that male position, nor devaluing the initial important of physical attraction)??? how much better would it be to parade you around and tell his friends how intelligent you are, what a good person you are, and how beautiful your soul is... and are you so insecure that he must CONSTANTLY remind you how special you are, do you really want the meaning from such special words to evaporate within the first few weeks of a relationship from constant use? or is this some way of making people feel less guilty when its all over and they shared more of each other than they wish they did?

anyway, i just think too many people I know have twisted views on love, and a are far too easily satisfied with mediocre relationships. A guy is not a good guy because he opens doors for you, says sweet things, and calls you beautiful -- those are called manners and a coincidental physical attraction. Just because a guy doesn't cheat doesn't mean that he is a keeper - that is called a prerequisite for dating. Please stop reading Cosmo articles about how to please your guy in the bed and spend and use that energy to discover why singleness is so unappealing.

I apologize for sounding so cold, it is difficult for me to state disagrements without sounding condescending.....

Lovely weather...

There is this much less litter in the neighborhood. We had a cleanup and around 90 volunteers showed up. We've got a meeting with the police captain for our region tomorrow about some shootings that have taken place. Hopefully we can get some targeted enforcement. I saw one of the houses I turned in a few weeks ago to code enforcement was getting painted. And to top it off, my neighbor power washed her house, painted her porch and even planted lillies out front. Street sweeping should be later this week. Things are coming around. Hopefully people can keep the momentum going. I also met the son of the owner of all the rental properties near my house and he seemed interested in converting them into rental units for college students. I would certainly welcome that. I need to give him a call later this week to follow up. Lastly, the extended the election for district II which means we will have real debates for the area and might actually have a chance to discuss the problems in the area.  

I went for a run today with an old friend from college. He's also in finance. It made me feel a little better about going back into the industry. It's nice to know there are other intelligent, nice, down-to-earth people are doing similar things. I was really burned out after the go go go culture of the northeast. I think I might send my resume in to Wachovia this week. I'm also going to look into my little dental hygiene plan on Monday. I want to see how long it will take and how much it will cost. The run was also nice. It's the first real pleasure run of the year. I might try to find a running partner who is smart and likes to talk. I really liked the dual productivity of talking and running. Might be tough though, most people don't like to talk and run... and more importantly/unfortunately, most people aren't smart....

I also spent time with one of my old friends last night. She's had bouts with mental illness (she went off the deep end at one point a few years ago) but has mellowed out considerably since I moved back to Columbia. She's almost a mystical Dr.Phil type character now. She's been reading a lot of self help books and been very interested in astrology and other types of new age spirituality. Anyway, long story short she gave me my first tarot reading and a pile of books. I was about to laugh off the whole experience, but it turned out to be quite helpful. Not in a spiritual way, but in a psycho-analytic way. I waded through a lot of the issues I had been facing over the past few months (career, break up, self confidence, what makes me happy, a new relationship). It made me really focus on the changes I have been making to get closer to the type of person I really am at heart. One of the books she gave me was Radical Honesty. The basic premise seems to be that we are all stressed out from living lies. Trying to live to ideals we have created that we don't really care about, but yet strive for (and worry about when we don't live up to them). It seems very timely. I read about 50 pages of it last night. (Speaking of starting a new book....I hate the way I do that. I never read a single book. I am always starting 4 or 5 at at time and never finish any of them. Then I won't read any books for a while).

I liked this card

Glad you're feeling better... and don't worry... you're not too ordinary. I promise. I mean you are, in the same way I am, I think. We have facades and then we have ourselves. We mean for our facades to be ordinary. It keeps people from asking too many questions. Though sometimes we are just lying to ourselves, and we really believe we are like everyone else, but that's only because everyone is telling the same lie.

She's hurting...

and I don't have a clue how to help.

Mr.Willllsooonnnnn

So, I was invited over for coffee by my peculiar looking neighbor (long fine blonde hair, and a scruffy blonde beard. His name is Paddy Dover, so that might have something to do with it. The first time I saw him he was wearing a Where's Waldo shirt and overalls riding a grandma style cruiser bike. He looks totally nuts. Anyway, it turns out he's a pretty talented musician. I went out with him last night to the Hunter Gatherer and listened to some live jazz.

My Neighbor on Guitar

It's amazing what you can discover if you just step outside and say hello...

I'm digging his new "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou Look"

another wasted day

Well, there were two women in my life two days ago. Now there are none.

I was lonely when I had one and didn't have the other.

Now I feel whole. I was healed the day we said goodbye even though I didn't know it.

We've both got shit to deal with, but I hope we're both in a spot to do it own our own. If not, we can work around things though it will be difficult.

I'd lost my way the past few months, but I feel like I have gotten all the major pieces in place. I'm just waiting for the glue to dry now.

----

I visited my friend Stewart and fixed another of his neverending procession of computer problems. Had an interesting discussion about psychology versus instincts. He always manages to make me so irritable though, he's more stubborn than I am. I guess when you're 74 you have had plenty of time to get set in your ways. I showed him how to use netflix online and what hulu was as well. I got him to watch the Seventh Seal which is one of my favorite films. I watched about half of it with him. It's an incredible work. It's amazing how he is able to really take you back a thousand years to the crusades... or at least create a world that fails to resemble ours...

I went to a buffet for the first time in a long time today. It really is a separate class of people that eat there. It's an entire level below Walmart. I should start a website called people of Golden Corral. Maybe it was just when I went. Being the cheapskate that I am, I always enjoy getting something I didn't pay for. At this place, lunch is cheaper than dinner and ends at 4pm. So I predictably got there at 3:50. You have to be a bit peculiar to eat at this time of day. The crowd did begin to change by the time I left around 5:30. It was pretty depressing though. I felt like since I conciously decided to go there (and went by myself) that I somehow belonged there. It was a very troubling feeling. It made me want to go to church.

I ate and started reading a book a started months ago Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. I don't like the author/main character. He's very cold and distant. I like what he says, and see parts of himself in me, but people like that, no matter how intelligent they are scare me. I need to see an ember of love deep inside someone'e heart and I only sense a cold dampness. Same goes for people who don't want kids. I don't know if I really want them either, but I certainly am more at ease with people who do. I guess it lets me know they have the capacity to care about something outside of themselves.... which is all love is, well at least the kind I am interested in. The thing is though, he has a kid, and wants the best for him, but he can't relate too him. Maybe he's just scared because he doesn't know what to do.

I came home and finished a movie I stared last night. You, the Living. It's a Swedish film made up of a series of very ordinary, stories of everyday life. It's supposed to be based on Goethe's poems, but I have no clue. I think it was just a marketing trick to make it seem more intellectual - it worked. I really liked the cinematography. It was a lot of still camera shots from interesting perspectives. Just as if you were a casual invisible observer watching a room, as stark as it was, it was still very artful. No zooming, no panning, just life unfolding unfront of the camera. It was very genuine. Then i took a nap.

I went to a St.Pat's day thing at USC. It was a poorly attended, but very good show. They had some dancers, poetry reading, and live music. Apparently there are Irish accordians as well as two types of bagpipes. They rounded out the trio with a fiddle. The music was heavenly, but maybe it was the acoustics in the chapel. Either way, I found out they play at Publick house on Sunday nights so I might start going at least once a month or so. If I ever get married, I would definitely consider having them play in it. The music was heavenly.... they'd make for a hell of a reception too.

I feel like tomorrow is going to be very productive.

Unfinished Business

She healed me

I hope she knows that... I feel whole again, even though I keep losing things

This is the only way I can say I am sorry

I am so careless. I was fired for lack of attention to detail. 


I defaulted to honesty, I didn't know what to say. 


I am stepping away so you can straighten out other relationships. They are more important. Face it with equanimity. It won't last forever - until August at the latest. Use the time to reflect. They only want the best for you.
 
I'll write more though, and read a book, about feline vision.... just to keep in touch. Speaking of such... Cat on a Hot Tin Roof might help you with both of your problems.


Interesting revelation about Shakespeare... maybe I am a prophet. 


I'll think of you when I think of coffee.... and fingernails. That's a real treasure.

This ain't forever, but if it is, at least it ended before we spoiled it.

The Me I Love

This is something I wrote a few weeks ago, but a friend said the following to me while we were chatting on facebook...."its just what i write is kind of the only real, personal part of me that i feel happy about and attached to so when i show someone something that i write, its a deeper view."

so, I told her I would share something I had written a few weeks earlier about the different sides of myself that I had noticed in the context of my last relationship... It's a little maudlin, sorry in advance for the sappiness...

She sent me the following quote a long time ago. Her mom sent it to her...

There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

  I wear lots of masks. I am a pompous asshole who likes to prod and playfully pick at people. I get under people's skin. If I am angry when I am in this persona I can unleas the most cutting and hateful sentences on people. Other times, I am a scared insecure boy who is worried he will be a failure in life and die lonely buts tries really hard to impress people with a masquerade. I am also a manicial lunatic hoping only to conquer whatever intellectual quest I have set my mind too. I am a passionate teacher when I find an idea that I think has the power to shape the world for the better. But most of all I am a happy go lucky guy, watching life go by, smiling at it's contradictions and finding beauty in them. I'm usually a little too hyper and energetic when I am like this and it's annoying to some people. I think people told me I was gay when I acted like this so I tried to tame him and make him more masculine. Maybe that's where my asshole persona came from.

   I remember early on in our relationship she told me I was like a guy who didn't want to wait in line, but did anyway and just made fun of the whole inefficent process while going along with it. That's who I am when I am at my best. I don't need approval from anyone. I speak truth. I don't stand in the way of the system in a negative way but my words and actions help to make it become better. I am happy. I think (maybe) that she loved this person. She was helping me to ressurect him. It was this persona that came out when we ran through shops together or danced naked in the middle of the road to Elton John when we went cross country.

   She also has several sides to her. Sometimes she is an angry, cranky, diagreeable person. I hate this side of her, but she is her most independent when she is like this. The other is a scared, lonely and worrisome little child. I don't mind this one, and I wanted to help her grow out of this phase. The one I love best is the one that emerges just before she goes to bed. Not the nights when she was scared and lonely, but on the nights when she is safe and secure in my arms. She was still like a child, but a healthy one. One that was loved and knew that no matter what happened everything really was going to be ok. When she sets her worry and anger aside, she is the most amazing person. She finds beauty in everything. She is happy and I love her. There is also another side of her, which I have never actually spoken to, but I have read the voice of. It is her writing. She spoke to me in this tone once, and it startled me a little bit. I asked her what was going on, and she said it was the voice she used when she wrote. As I said, I don't know this side of her, but I like what it says. I wonder if this is her new phase of womanhood and she just hasn't figured out how to assert it in her daily life because it is so at odds with everything she has been. Maybe it's just a coping mechanism for the fact that life is tough and you have to be assertive to survive.

   In the end, I wanted my happy go lucky boy to grow up with her happy secure little girl and to shed all the other bullshit we had piled on ourselves. There is just a lot of dirt on top of both of them and a lot of digging has to be done if we want to uncover them fully. Maybe that's why the idea of getting away was so appealing, so we could just start over an be ourselves without trying to impress anyone.

I think I might have it

I woke up and realized I was being overly dramatic. There is no need to ignore her, even if she did do that. It decided it was probably difficult to explain to others if they saw all of the photos. We looked like we had a lot of fun together and of course people are going to ask what happens and she will get into a conversation she doesn't want to get into....So I re-added her on Facebook. It turns out she was just making her own albums instead of relying on me to tag her in photos. It wasn't any attempt to delete me from her life. I have just been overly sensitive about the whole thing and took it personally.

Things are so touch between us right now. I just want us to be able to talk to each other as friends and not make her upset. I can't seem to have a conversation without making her mad. I wish things weren't so tense and we could joke with each other again. I can't seem to be myself when we talk anymore.

Anyway...Talking to friends is good. They put things into perspective. I have a good friend who has been in a relationship for a while. He's considering marriage. He is going through all of the things I am going through right now with this break up. In order to let go (and understand why), you have to ask many of the same questions you would ask someone you want to marry. They also give plenty of good feedback about you as a person. They can remind you of your good qualities if you need a boost or put things in perspective if your analysis becomes a little one sided.

By the same note, trying to talk things out with an introvert under stress is a bad idea. If you have problems, need to talk them out, and date and introvert.... there will be stress. It's been one of the hardest things to deal with. I want to present a problem, talk about it, and get to a solution as quickly as possible. One thing that has been helpful is to write out my thoughts (it's good from a personal perspective too) but it also helps to give her a heads up when we talk. This way she doesn't get so flustered when I blast her with an entire day's worth of new thoughts. When I talk as quickly as I have a tendency to do, her head spins, she shuts down, and gets mad when I keep pushing for a solution.

It's also been pretty hard to figure things out on my own, and so I have to talk to her. I suppose in that way I have been selfish. I have put my own desire for closure above her desire to not deal with it. I say that "I have to talk to her" because there is no way to make sure the crap I have in my head is accurate. I am coming to conclusions based on what I think she is thinking. To do that I have to extract information she doesn't willingly want to put out there. I have pushed her away by doing this.

The other half of this is that she is very emotional, and breakups are by their nature, very emotional processes, so things are even more exacerbated. Emotions are not logical, they are not math problems. I am often to rational to understand how sensitive some people can be. I am a quick thinker, but can be incredibly slow when it comes to understanding people's emotions. I can read body language pretty well, but when it comes to emotions are thoughts people don't willingly share, it's very difficult for me to get inside someones head and imagine how they might be thinking. Particularly if it's out of character for them or a side of them they haven't seen. Then again, I am just stating that I am logical. I expect people to do what they have always done, and just tell me when they change. I don't expect people to come up with new ways of being irrational =)

As a side note, because we are not physically together right now, there have been a lot more mix ups than usual. A significant portion of communication is expressed through body language and it's all lost her. You can't see someone tensing up, so you don't shut up when you should. You can't just sit in silence while you are on the phone and cool off like you can in person, or take a 2 minute walk outside. You lose the frowns, the tightness in some one's chest, the raised eyebrows, clinched fists, or smiles when someone is being sarcastic. Such emotional conversations really shouldn't happen over the phone.

This separation has also changed us both a lot. In a lot of ways I have been trying to shoot a moving target. All I have wanted to do was be there for her, but it's difficult because by the time I have things figured out, a very critical piece of information has changed. I wish we had been able to communicate more clearly as this whole process was going on. We both had feelings we didn't want to share for fear of hurting the other person, but I think we would have both felt a lot better about what was going on if we had been honest earlier.

In my case, during our entire relationship she kept telling me I needed to be more sensitive. My thinking was very simple. She loved me before, she was happy before, so if i am the same person plus more thoughtful she should really love me. If she didn't, then she was just giving up because it was too hard (distance was my guess) and I just wanted her to admit it, and if she just needed time to open back up, i wanted to do that for her. Another alternative was that she might have just felt I was a bad person (or just convinced herself of it) because of a few things I did and then didn't want to date me. The last possibility I considered was that she thought she had made the whole thing up in her head and that I didn't really care for her. In either of these cases I wanted to leave myself out there long enough to prove to her that they weren't true and to repair any damage I had done. The last thing I ever wanted to do was to hurt her and she told me several different times that our relationship had really left her broken. I felt like leaving myself emotionally exposed, even if it didn't go anywhere and I was rejected, was the least that I could do for her. It was my penance (there is also an obvious side to this that there were things I like about the relationship and didn't want to let go of.)

I think she did need me to show I cared at first, but then she had changed as a person. She has also changed what she wanted and I didn't notice it (or i wasn't paying attention to what she was really saying). I think she decided she wanted more than I was giving her and that things were good, but it could be better

This is where friends help.... I have been able to watch my friend interact with his girlfriend. I had lots of ideas, but was pretty bad about actually carrying them out. We rode bikes and he picked flowers. He went out, planned dinner, and cooked it for her. He plans out lovely little dates and weekend getaways. Nothing particularly extravagant, but fun nonetheless. He did a lot of the things I would want to go with a girl, but never really did for her. I was pretty selfish and had head my head stuck up my own ass a lot of the time we hung out. It opened my eyes to what she probably wanted and what she and any woman should expect (not necessarily the same romantic things, but the same level of thoughtfulness and attentiveness to what the other person would want).

On another day, we were having a conversation completely unrelated to this topic, but it also helped to bring things into focus. We were talking about how parent's relationships influenced our own relationships. I had recently been thinking about how I was a lot like my own father - unromantic (I bought all of his presents for mom) and emotionally distant (I have something I have already written on this I will post later). She is a lot like my own mother. But I never thought about it from her own perspective - how she might be seeking out a partner like her own.

I think she probably wants something like what her dad offers her (and her mom). He is a great guy. He nurtures her, spends time with her to grow their relationship and keep the family happy, and his love is unconditional. She deserves a chance to go find that, and experience it if she thinks she has found it. I really don't want to keep her captive if I can't give her what she needs.

I know don't offer that now... I am too wild... too immature... too fickle... too selfish. I am still figuring things out and have too many wild oats to sow. That being said, I do want to be like her dad in a lot of ways and I will work towards that goal. I am glad I learned that while I am still (relatively) young. To be honest, I have had fears of ending up like my own father. He is a great guy, but he's got a lot of personal failings I could see easily happening to me. Mainly the fact that he's harsh and has cut a lot of people out of his life. As a result, he's isolated himself a good bit beyond his family.

A lot has happened in a year, but nothing really changed

On my last post, I was preparing for a cross country cycling trip, that I ultimately didn't make. At least on bike. I did however end up driving over 12,000 miles in my Jeep and saw the grandeur of our country. I sadly didn't write anything at all other than emails and text messages on my trip (though I took over 4000 pictures). It was bad ass, and if you have the desire and the opportunity, do it. You won't have any regrets (even about global warming). I only spent about $4000 over the entire 2 month trip.

Anyway, right now I am going through a break up and a friend suggested I blog, just to make sure my thoughts are captured, and in a relatively unguarded way.

I'll start by admitting my own impulsive tendencies. The trip I took was a knee jerk reaction to losing my job. I needed something to validate myself, and what better way to do that, than to take an epic cross country road trip and fulfill one of my childhood dreams. I can give a few more good examples of when I have forged steel resolve in a few moments of crisis (maybe it's only these moments of deep emotional angst that have the capacity to produce such mental fortitude and conviction) but for the most part, it's just a series of bad decisions.

I write this, because I just decided to cut my ex girlfriend out of my life tonight (at least for a few weeks until I can get over her). I sent her flowers earlier this week after I hadn't been able to be there for her in a time of need. I received a thank you, but was surprised to get a bit of reproach for sending them to her office (thus muddying the line between her professional and personal life). She also said she would call that night, but gave a flaky excuse why she didn't, and didn't send a text/email to explain that night (and she didn't say anything until I messaged her the next day around lunch). She also said she would call the next day, but called my cell knowing it would go straight to voicemail since I was staying with my parents for a few days in the country. I did get a very terse, 8 second voicemail. No call the next day. Last night I was on Facebook, and looked at her profile. I noticed she had updated an old album, which was strange. I assumed she had deleted a few pictures of me or something. She hadn't, but she had untagged several of them, as well as others on her profile where we were together as a couple. I thought this was rather trivial and insulting to me. I felt like this was the physical (eh, digital) manifestations of her efforts to forcefully push me out of her life. Pile all of this on top of a new relationship that she formed behind my back while we were still emotionally invested in each other (and turned to the second we had our first fight) and it should be easy to see how I feel hurt (or at least sorry for myself. I don't mean to suggest this is all that set this particular action into motion, there have been 4 months of miscommunication, non-communication, arguments, insults, letters, emails, and one surprise visit by me. I just wanted to document for myself what I decided to make this particular decision. I wish I had such clarity for other decisions I have made over the course of our relationship (I'd suggest anyone going through a breakup take the time to do this).

I probably should have given up long ago, but I didn't want to do so without trying to first repair the friendship and give ourselves one last shot to resolve our lingering doubts (or at least I wanted this). I didn't want to go the rest of my life wondering "what if" and live with a giant question mark over the relationship. I had a few big questions and wanted the opportunity to answer them before we severed ties, but at this point probably won't ever find out (though in some ways, this process has answered most of them). That being said, it doesn't bother me nearly as much since I know I made an effort to repair what I could. I am glad I tried.

That being said, I still feel a little bad about doing this, because it's the final nail in the coffin and makes it almost impossible for us to get back together. She's in CT and I'm in SC and I don't have a clue how we will reestablish an emotional connection from such a long distance (particularly if she starts another relationship). I do genuinely feel like we could have been happy together.

As it stands, she still has an incredible capacity to ruin my day. If she says she is going to call and doesn't, my mind focuses on it obsessively. In a lot of ways she was my raison d'etre. I worked on my yard or body because she would have wanted it a certain way. Every time I'd hear a romantic song I would think of her. Obviously, there are hundreds of shared moments. There are countless moments where I turn to the mental simulation I have created of her, but there is quite a bit of cognitive dissonance when the real person doesn't live up to the person I created in my head. It takes quite a while to calibrate the simulation to match the real one.

I have left myself very exposed for the last two months and she has pulled away the entire time rather than opening up to me. I am no martyr and don't have much capacity for selflessness. I have felt sort of noble doing what I was doing, but this is the first time I have allowed myself to be consciously selfish for the first time in a while. I want to be there for her but there is no need to keep hurting myself now that it's clear she has no interest in being emotionally close to me. I feel like the benefit to her is much less than the pain to me. It's time for common sense to take over again. Going back to being the detached rational person that I naturally am.

It's also time to swallow reality. It's an easy pill to take once you believe it - it's the uncertainty that made my decision making process so complicated. I knew she was ending this relationship out of stubbornness, not because she didn't like me. When I visited I expected her to either take me back or tell me that it was over. When I got there, she was pretty overjoyed. I didn't consider the possibility that she could still have feelings for me, but at the same time forcefully extinguish them. I thought she was stronger than that, and I certainly didn't know she was that stubborn (or maybe I just believed I has the ability to sway her more than I though).

It's been a very painful process for me to go through, but at the same time I feel I did learn a great deal about myself and am not upset that I went through it. I hope I come out on the other end a more self aware person. Someone more sensitive to the needs of others (something I wasn't particularly good at during our relationship). Someone who can admit I don't have everything figured out.