Small Talk & Social Graces

I am pretty lousy at small talk. I want to have deep interesting conversations about things that move people's souls, captivate their minds and the beauty that moves their heart.... or just really funny stories. Instead I end up asking a bunch of dumb questions about biographical information trying to piece together a mosaic about people without really getting to know who they are beyond the basic details (school, occupation, family structure, etc). I have really enjoyed the Art of Manliness Podcast and saw he had a ton of blog posts too. One entire section was on social graces. Some key excerpts/ideas I found particularly helpful are below:

• It's not about you. The goal isn't to show off. While it make seem like it will impress people, it will probably just be a turnoff. Most of the time making the other person feel good will make them like you. Just be interested and listen. If you really do want to brag to get someone's attention, get a wingman to do it for you.  
• Make people feel comfortable. If you can do this, you've accomplished 75% of the heavy lifting. People are naturally skeptical of strangers. Putting them at ease (especially women) is the hardest part when approaching a new person. Don't make them feel like you want something (a date, extracting intel, etc).   
• Be positive: Commenting on negative events is only going to bring the mood down, especially early on. It's also going to help people to relax and enjoy being around you. Too much negativity and they will want to bolt for the door. 
• Pay attention to the other person. People too often spend too much time thinking about what they want to say. In addition, pay attention to how the other person thinks about themselves. 
• Be "generous" in conversation. Compliments go a long way. Also, bite your tongue. Let people meander a little bit. Trying to rush them to be more efficient won't do anything to help them relax and be comfortable and open up.
• Comment on your surroundings.  This is the easiest way to gin up initial comments. You can also ask how they met the host or about their connection to an event.
• Be Prepared If you know who you are meeting in advance, go ahead and do a little prep work. Look at Facebook. Think about your past conversations. It's easier to think about how to make the most of time together when you're not under pressure. 
• Balance is important:  The classic advice to "seem interested in others" can easily devolve into outright interrogation if you just keep asking questions. It's important to also reveal things about yourself to give the other person some content they can ask questions on later in the conversation. 
• Use the ARE method: The acronym stands for Anchor, Reveal & Encourage. Basically comment on something around you (an anchor), share your [positive] thought on it, and then ask the other person how they feel about it. 

When things get a little more intense:

• Don't say anything you don't believe just to make a point (this includes things quite similar to it like making assertions where you have no experience or authority). Be genuine. Be authentic.  
• Don't say anything when you're upset. You will make things worse and regret it later.
• Kind words are the best response for mean comments directed at you. They will also preserve your reputation rather than injuring it. 
• Introduce charged topics gradually and gently (I am particularly bad at this. I tend to lob molotov cocktails in conversation). 
• Decide if it's a discussion or a debate. In a discussion you are trying to figure out the other person's views. You listen. Your mind is open. In a debate you are making an argument. You want to be heard. Very different goals. 
• Ask "what" vs "why/how" questions. This will elicit details rather than emotional responses. "What make you feel that way?" is much more likely to elicit a clean response versus "How could you feel that way?" 
• Invisibly meditate. Conversations will get tense. Breathe deeply. Relax. Remember you're engaging with someone you want to maintain a relationship with.  

Closer than I have been

We grow up thinking if we do this or that people will love us: money, muscles, charm, fashion. To some degree this is true. People want to see that a person is capable of accomplishing things. They want to see potential realized. In the context of a relationship there is also some comfort that comes from material security that a mate can provide (my dad strongly encouraged me to get married for this reason). As does the Bible in one of my favorite passages:

Two are better than one,

    because they have a good return for their labor:

10 

If either of them falls down,

    one can help the other up.

But pity anyone who falls

    and has no one to help them up.

11 

Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.

    But how can one keep warm alone?

12 

Though one may be overpowered,

    two can defend themselves.

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

But clearly no one is going to fall in love with a resume. We want personality. We want joy. We want anguish. We want some measure of jealously. We want style. We want vibrato. We want loyalty. We want dedication. We want loyalty. We want grit. We want tenderness. We want passion. At least I want those things. 

I have spent the last 15 years of my life or so preparing myself to be a man that someone would love. I think the lack of validation from my dad, my past failures in relationships (and who they ended up with) have also probably left me with this sense that I am not good enough.. yet. So I have been progressively checking off boxes. Slowly meeting the criteria listed on a job description that my ideal mate might pen 

... and if I work hard over the next 18 months I will be there. I will have a respectable nest egg. I will have a few rental properties. I will have two professional designations. I will be in the best shape of my life. I will be reasonably well traveled. I will have a solid body of professional work that should make be solidly employable. I will hopefully be a little more charming, reflective, focused and ready to start a family. 

Despite working hard for all of this for so long. I don't know if I am ready. If I am truly honest, I don't know if this is what I really want. Perhaps I just wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. 

I still see myself as a wandering vagabond, slowly picking up life lessons and meeting new people as I travel. That's clearly not on my short term agenda and I wonder how I will reconcile my desire for security with my carefree dreams for myself. 

Musical Narratives

"Well, we can talk about whiteness as two different things. There are white people, and then we can talk about whiteness as this structural idea." 

"But when, in mainstream country they're talking about class, it is about, “yeah, but we're making it.” It's a nostalgic feeling about being working class. I'm going to flip my boss off today and ride off to the coast. But there's always a sense of, “tomorrow we'll be back in the grind.” Country music is how we deal with and make peace with the fact of class."

    - The Racial Dynamics of Hip Hop, The Atlantic July 2014

Well, for a while I'd forgotten my cultural country whiteness. I grew up on 90's country that was filled with many more themes than class. Hard work was certainly a central theme. The importance of sucking it up, putting food on the table, and not getting caught up in flashiness and frivolity. Call it the puritanical work ethic with a little more liquor (and liberties) on the weekend. There was a strong sense of stoicism engrained in our values as well. 

The article overlooks several big themes though which I think are all part of this narrative of rural "cultural whiteness"

• Loyalty - to family, wife, God, your football team, and country
• A pure love - some notion that in the midst of all of our flaws and imperfections there is the capacity for a deep, lasting meaningful transcendent connection. Country features mostly male singers so it's a little more sheepish (and clumsy) version of Cinderella. It's the song of the awkward/hurt/broken prince charming. This endearment also extends to children, family, one's local community and in a wistful sense those who share a common vision for America. 
• Determination -  the ability to suck it up and push through to do what needs to be done. This could be overcoming poverty to build a nice home. It could be struggling through school but still making it. It could be a solider in the military "leaving no one behind." It doesn't really matter 
• Hard Work - Work for it's own sake is important. It's probably a throwback to simpler times when an agrarian life required this tenacity to survive and a legacy a deep connection to our grandparents (and parents) who lived through and grew up in the depression. This connection to older generations is pretty important and might explain the difference to other demographics which lack this crucial connection. 
• Working Class - while country singers (whether they did or not) all -identify with a working class family they take pride in these humble origins. This also comes up in how people dress (T-shirt and Jeans), what they drive (inexpensive American cars), and how they spend their money (frugally [this extends to politics too]). This embrace of humble origins is probably rooted in religion - in the same way Jesus came into the world in a manger. This (along with the negative theme of misogynism) is the only one the author of the article above hits on given her stereotypical academic interest in race/class/gender. 
• Respect - Don't talk back, honor your father and mother, if you are disrespectful to a friend or partner, go back an apologize
• Care for your Fellow Man - It's just the golden rule. Theft and cheating are not tolerated. People are not to be abused. No cheap shots in a fight and never touch a women. Additionally, while there are plenty of songs about cutting loose and running from the law, having sex down by the river or generally being mischievous, there is still a deep underlying respect for the people involved in this situations. Police are not something to be shot at as they are just doing their job to maintain order. Women while often still seen in some songs as objects of desire are still treated as human beings with feelings. Courtship is through meeting the needs of the woman, not through flashiness or drugs/alcohol. 
• Love at first sight - there are countless songs about meeting someone, and at first glance 

What I am realizing is that I am growing up in a world where a lot of these values are not acknowledged but I still have these narratives burned into my consciousness. 

"The Defining Decade"

My friend asked me to read a book called "The Defining Decade" and I wanted to record a few insights worth remembering. The general theme seems to be that 20-somethings

• Low standards enable people to waste the best years of their life. We coax to ourselves with the notion that "this is temporary." This applies acutely to relationships.
• These half hearted relationships suck up way too much of my time, mental energy and cause me to miss out on the real opportunities. 
•  There is a narrow window in which to maximize your earning potential and lock in quality mates

Things I want to do this year

Read/write more and spend less time talking to girls I have limited interest in.
Start studying for Level II of the CFA and seriously try to pass in June.
Start operating at my potential at work
Find more balance between what I do at work and outside of work
Love more and be around love more
Be more active
Get more sleep
Be on time
Be more disciplined
Record my thoughts and codify them
Absorb more interesting content

Careers

What has happened to my life?

I feel as though I have unknowingly become the sort of dull, lifeless worker bee I scratched my head at when I was younger. How does this happen? How do we become so myopically focused on our career and a single interest that we lose sight of the wonder and beauty and amazement in the world around us? I live and breathe finance, and would rank myself well against my peers so I don't think I have been a failure. I also know there is a very practical element to work. It provides security for me and a service to the world. It still feels a bit strange though. That by being around a group of people who are all doing the same thing that we engage in this group hypnosis and convince ourselves that this is worth all the time/effort/mental anguish and lost life.

Attachment

I went to hear a visiting Buddhist monk a few weeks ago, and this little moment has stuck out, so I wrote a Haiku about it. Nothing is immune from the intrusions of the modern world or ego...

phone rings, he answers
revealing a nice gold watch
patiently, we wait