Monday, October 25, 2010

A year ago, I got on a plane

Time is like a reflection in the water's surface
always there, sometimes rippled
but never really there
just something looking back at us
We mark it in days, weeks, years
which fall like leaves as winter approaches
which blow in the wind
and float downstream with the driftwood
but we live in moments
smaller than seconds
that sit firmly like polished pebbles
on the swift river bottom
looking forward
years seem as far away as the ocean
but every drop will make it there
and so will the leaves
as they pass over pebbles below
mostly unaware
I feel like my brain works better and faster and with more clarity when I am talking with other people. I get so energized and I am not exactly sure why... It doesn't happen when I am simply thinking or writing.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Money can't buy things that don't have prices

I often meet people who spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about ways they can earn a certain amount of money so they can "do what they want in life." (I used to be part of this club.) After college, it was easy to spot people who went to graduate school to avoid making these decisions. I think this is because people confuse their career, "what they do" with what they want to do, as if how they were going to earn their income was the important question. But, I never realized that some of the people who decided to go off and start making money, were simply doing so as a way to put off making decisions about what they want.
In the end, I think people assume they will be able to trade the money they make for what they want, but in reality I think they end up trading their money for things (read: assets) that help them collect more dollar bills. I feel like if they simply took this amount of time and applied it to first, figuring out what they want to do in life, and second, how they can accomplish what they want with what they have, they might find a tad more satisfaction.
Benjamin Franklin said, a man can either increase his means or decrease his wants.... well I think old Benji was a bit short sighted. If a man is clever enough, he can usually find mote than one way to do what he wants with a fraction of the money. I think a man has better chances of cutting his costs than he does of growing his business, it also has the benefit of being a lot easier.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

A strange dream

It was a familiar enough setting. I was in my neighbor's yard. But the house was gone, and in it's place was an old bed. It had thick white blankets, but it had been rained on many times. A few old brown, rotting leaves were laying on top. The trees had been thinned so I could look over and see the pond shimmering from the yard. It was twilight and everything seemed a bit mystical. I remember looking at this magnolia tree. It was totally covered in huge golden buds and had a few enormous white flowers. There was also a dog just across the lawn. He was wearing clothes and had skin on his face. He began talking in a human voice. I was really beginning to enjoy it, but a sense of uneasiness came over me. I walked over and talked to my friend who was there. He is a peculiar old man with a long white beard. I guess he sort of looks like a wizard and I began to get the feeling that I was in a bit of a magical world. I wasn't sure if what I was seeing was real or not so I began to make a recording of the flowers with my iPhone. Then I hit replay on the video. But rather than seeing the flowers, I saw a video of myself. Walking in the snow, completely drunk, groping some girl, and in the process I could tell I hurt the feelings of an old friend, whom I almost dated a few years ago. She just left crying, looking at me. I knew something was wrong, so I went to the only logical place I knew to go. The only people I truly trust - My parents. When I walked in, my mom was taking my Dad's blood pressure. I said something to the effect of I need to talk to you guys, I am nervous. Mom mentioned to dad that she would have to take his blood pressure later as the reading was going to be skewed. I think I gave them a hug or sat down and woke up a few moments later in complete darkness.

I would ordinarily have dismissed the dream as some fanciful outcropping of my own subconscious, or had doubts about reality, but I had read some verse earlier in the day about God speaking to us through dreams if we just listen. So, after coming to terms that it was just a dream, I began to reflect on it.

It was startling to see that perspective of myself - an ordinary slovenly drunk. What I took away was a simple message: that even though I may see myself doing one thing, in reality someone may see my actions in a completely different light, it also made me realize that even if I want to view myself as a free spirit I can't really avoid the fact that people are still going to care about me regardless of what I do - that the decisions I make are going to effect the lives of those closet to me.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Synchronicity

So, I I had a few purposes when I went out into the woods. Unfortunately the rain ushered my exit a little more hastily than I would have wanted, but I still accomplished a good bit of what I wanted, and thankfully the largest share was on the most important front - sorting out some basic guiding principles for my life and to that end some fresh views on my faith. Thankfully they intersect.

They are in short order: love others, forgive, be humble, don't worry, have self control, don't judge, be reserved in speech

1 John 4:7-8
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

1 Peter 5:7
Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you.

Matthew 6:34
So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

1 John 4:12-13
No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God lives in us, and his love is perfected in us.By this we know that we abide in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit.

1 Peter 4:11
Whoever speaks must do so as one speaking the very words of God. Whoever serves must do so with the strength God supplies.

Proverbs 18:12
A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only expressing personal opinion.

1 Peter 5:5
..and all of you must clothe yourselves with humility in your dealings with one another

Galatians 5: 22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law

As a follow up to my last post on the subject, I should close with the following lines... I think it is a good summation

Galatians 5:16-18
So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.
---
Yes, I have finally merged my existentialist views with my Christian roots....

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Jefferson Bible

One book I read on my trip was The Jefferson Bible, or The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth as it is formally titled. Jefferson attempted to distill the message of Jesus into the most simple principles of his ministry feeling that had been corrupted by it's handlers. It was an effort to, as he said, separate the "diamonds from the dung." I found it to be very similar to the views I held for myself. A call to eschew riches, notoriety, and temporal passions - to love your neighbor and be humble. To forgive at every opportunity and and repent at every transgression. That God's forgiveness and mercy are unending and so should ours be towards our neighbors. That we should not be caught in the worries of everyday life for we have no ultimate control over its outcome. Interestingly, Jefferson omits the resurrection and many of the other supernatural claims in the gospels which in many ways are central to modern Christianity. I think that I need to consider my own views on these issues more, but the basic framework for how I should conduct my life is intact.
After reading more of the Bible in the following days, the faith I have been looking for, was simply waiting on the pages waiting to be read with fresh eyes. I found the God of Abraham to be generous and reasonable. One who was willing to provide mercy for those who seek him. He is however unwilling to contend with those who have been totally given over to selfish pursuits. I found the calm and loving voice of 1 Peter and 1 John to be exactly what I sought when I began attending the UU - a more liberal, loving faith, free of the dogma of my southern Baptist roots.

Monday, October 04, 2010

Parting words...

Lilies
By: Mary Oliver

I have been thinking
about living
like the lilies
that blow in the fields.

They rise and fall
in the edge of the wind,
and have no shelter
from the tongues of the cattle,

and have no closets or cupboards,
and have no legs.
Still I would like to be
as wonderful

as the old idea.
But if I were a lily
I think I would wait all day
for the green face

of the hummingbird
to touch me.
What I mean is,
could I forget myself

even in those feathery fields?
When Van Gogh
preached to the poor
of course he wanted to save someone--

most of all himself.
He wasn't a lily,
and wandering through the bright fields
only gave him more ideas

it would take his life to solve.
I think I will always be lonely
in this world, where the cattle
graze like a black and white river--

where the vanishing lilies
melt, without protest, on their tongues--
where the hummingbird, whenever there is a fuss,
just rises and floats away.

Other people's words...

"There was a time you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?"

Friction

Psalm 55:12-13
It is not enemies that taunt me- I could bear that;
It is not adversaries who deal insolently with me-
I could hide from them.
But it is you, my equal,
my companion, my familar friend,
with who I kept pleasant company

--------
we talk
tension
apprehension
two magnets, the same pole
two halves, but not whole
we wait
Memories replaced
erased
substituted
diluted

A difficult calculus
what has happened to us

-----

Sadness and madness and anger
are too closely related

The only way out of this is to forgive
and to forgive
and to forgive
and to forgive
and to forgive
and to forgive
and to forgive

SEVENTY TIMES SEVEN

I didn't know I held so much in, I didn't know I had so much on the inside

below the surface
oil, gas, water
sit in caverns
the weight of the world on top
each footstep
pressing deeper, harder
occasionally we prick the surface
like pimples
and fountains flow
spew forth
I am there now
not sure how to cap the well


I am best when I feel pain
disease is simply dis-ease
yes, this is not easy
but I like the work
Feels like I am tending to a garden
plowing the field
making things grow
except the seeds are mysteries
as will be the harvest

Friday, October 01, 2010

tired of dancing

another night
another 24 hours
silly words
playful words
empty words
waiting for clarity
i better find it
in myself
than in strangers

Proverbs 1:22a
“How long, O simple ones, will you love being simple?"