Eye to eye

sat there for 3 hours reading books
I finally decided I would overpay
For a used book
simply out of gratitude
And to put my money where my mouth is- local
But they were asking more than the new price on Amazon.com
I asked him they could at least match that
she said she wouldn't
"on principle"
Well I can't for the same reason
I thought I was being more than fair
That's life though
If you can't agree on a compromise
You don't have to do business
and you can both walk away feelin' alright

The Ponds

Every year
the lilies
are so perfect
I can hardly believe

their lapped light crowding
the black,
mid-summer ponds.
Nobody could count all of them --

the muskrats swimming
among the pads and the grasses
can reach out
their muscular arms and touch

only so many, they are that
rife and wild.
But what in this world
is perfect?

I bend closer and see
how this one is clearly lopsided --
and that one wears an orange blight --
and this one is a glossy cheek

half nibbled away --
and that one is a slumped purse
full of its own
unstoppable decay.

Still, what I want in my life
is to be willing
to be dazzled --
to cast aside the weight of facts

and maybe even
to float a little
above this difficult world.
I want to believe I am looking

into the white fire of a great mystery.
I want to believe that the imperfections are nothing --
that the light is everything -- that it is more than the sum
of each flawed blossom rising and fading. And I do.

~ Mary Oliver ~

(House of Light)

Sent from my iPhone

Breathe a little easier

For the first 25 years of my life I spent it doing things that were
practical, logical, and well reasoned. I was trying very hard to get
to a point I just left. Now, filled with an abundance of free time, a
lack of real stress or obligation I am letting my more playful side
hold onto the reigns and take me where it may.
It's an odd problem, but it takes quite a bit of effort to fill 16
hours of a given day with interesting, fulfilling activities. Usually
I will have a silly idea like... Hey! Wouldn't it be fun to go do
<insert seemingly meaningless creative activity>! But then I give
myself a list of things I must do like pay bills, clean my house, do
laundry, go work out, buy groceries, study for xyz. Almost my inner
parent. Even when I was living in Columbia I was doing those things or
I would fill my time with "acceptable" activities like talking online,
working in my yard or watching movies. Now I am able to just give in
to whatever silly impulse I come up with. I killed the power to my
time filter. I'm finding I am becoming a much different person than I
would have been otherwise. I also find myself spending a lot of time
by myself doing the things I did when I was a kid like photography,
reading, just walking around stores and paying close attention to what
they sell, asking lots of questions to strangers who know a lot about
things I am totally ignorant to. I am also a lot more open to what
other people want to do since my own free time is less precious. I
liken it to the difference in parenting by grandparents and parenting
by your real parents. All in all I feel like I am becoming my own
person again and it's liberating though a little disconcerting because
I don't have a clue where this is going to take me...

"A way with words - and life"

I recognized that place
I had been hiking there, climbed that mountain -
Mohonk Mountain House
Why was a picture of it in the local paper
It was of a man who'd been there too
but he lived here now
He died last week
run over while biking
drug 15 ft under a jeep
by some bitch in a sorrority I imagine
Edwin Gardner V
Became a husband at 50
A dad a little later
"He's 64. She's 11. They are partners in adventure. Lewis and Clark"
he helped kids
Spoke his mind
gave me a little hope
his memorial starts in front of my new house - a bike ride....
life is a spider's web
each ensnaring line a string of dew drops
shining like diamonds in the morning light
dissecting it into component colors
drawing me in
I'm tangled up

Sent from my iPhone

Words and color

To change...

and a palette that became the point

was painting what I feel
now painting what I think
different muscles
need different exercises
just playing
with my fragmented machine
yes, a chimera

Marshmallow

Carolina Parrot

I think about the last bird
out there flying all alone
looking for a fried
not knowing he was the last one
Maybe there were two
And they both died at the same instant
I like that better
How could they kill something so beautiful?

Golden night

Shimmer

A fresh start

...no need for wishin'

Inception

I finally got the look I needed
the one of disgust
that reduced me to a simple annoyance,
that served as a eulogy for what once was:
It was a BBQ party
A hot sweaty night
downtown Columbia
In the park-
I was having a beer with classmates
that I didn't know
"projections"-
I saw her with her cousin
So I ran over to say hey
::in my underwear - drenched::
Smile beaming
Tail wagging
-Stereotypically goofy-
-stereotypically vulnerable I suppose-
She just looked at me-
Then looked at her cousin,
To size up a response
"can you please go away"
and turned her head
as I ran - into the dark streets

It's all just water under the bridge

Angel Oak

Just enjoying the trees...

Home is where the (he)art is...

Grandma said I had too much idle time. She was right when she said I needed to find something to do. She meant a job, but this works.

I just try to be honest

Why do people hate me for it
Why does it make them so angry
I don't wanna be a liar
I'd rather be lonely
Than look into someones eyes
and deceive them
"That's why you don't have a girlfriend"

A tree

At peace with himself

(4x6 Acrylic on wood)

Painting used to be about technique and detail. Now I see that 90% of it is simply color.

Also I like acrylic and wood much better than oil and canvas.

Self Portrait

Grandma said to pray

Asked if still did that
'cause she knew
I didn't forget how
So I did
I confessed
and listened
and all I heard was comforting voice
Saying "be patient and love those around you"
"stop all your worrying"

It don't feel right (II)

Thank you Jim Carey
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
My brain ain't no whiteboard
Memories aren't written in dry erase marker
and if they were
I wouldn't just erase them
Untag myself in them
Because they make me happy
Even if
The person in them makes me mad
for doing that
But I see why you still love her too
and like you
I understand why she did it
no need to face, what you can erase
---It's all a big mess---
I don't remember your ending
but I think it was like the beginning
I guess that means you'd do it again
I would too
----
An aside:
Agent orange
the color of her hair
asked her, her name
Clementine- not an orange
don't make fun of it
"Oh my darling"
So I wondered what's in a name
I c tarnish
T(he) arch sin
I like irony

Ahhh...I'm still a girl... Someone asked me who my childhood celebrity crush was and after a little thought I remembered... Almost brought a tear to my eye...

A Ph.D in love

Thought it was all in my head
and it was
But not in the way I thought
Literally
Oxytocin
They call it the cuddle hormone
What a mama releases
when she has a baby
When a man falls for a woman
When they fuck, it gets worse - Vasopressin
we'd bonded
Made it through all 3 stages
lust, attraction, attachment
and that ain't meant to break
At least not easy
It really is an addiction
The scientist called it
a motivation system
Not just an emotion
Cranked up my dopamine
And shut down my amygdala
Why I didn't fear failing
why I can't get mad at her
even though I know I should
Called it
"life's greatest prize"
Anyway, we both went through
"abandonment rage"
Then on to "frustration depression"
The failure of denial
Said you gotta see the world
for what it is
That your brain ain't gonna get
what it wants
Funny that's what's been causin' all this trouble
when that's the same thing
that wouldn't let me be satisfied
But that's because it really is in pieces
Just like my heart was
Oh well
...at least I know I am made to love
We would have made beautiful babies
---
Note to self:
Don't sleep with people you don't want to fall in love with
'cause you just might

I felt it coming again
but I started getting angry
and I don't wanna be that way
So I called home
Mama, daddy and granny
that's all it took
Just a few people who love me
To tell me so

What bluegrass taught me

I want a woman
that can keep up
and surprise me
with her own ideas about life
and what's she wants to do with it
who's got a backbone and balls
bigger than mine
but can still be tender and gentle
'cause I wanna be stretched
and grow to love
cause' I'm gonna need a mama
as much as I need a wife
but not as much as I need
a partner in crime
I don't want to bother
with the "prisoner's dilemma"
a woman
who doesn't want to own me
who can let me do my own thing
who is ok with my craziness
'cause that ain't gonna change
who is curious
who doesn't mind gambling
with life
who is free of bullshit
who can see through my bullshit
and more importantly
when I am bullshitting myself
who makes my toes tingle
(that's harder to find than you would think)
and how to love somebody
who likes to save a nickel
just for the hell of it
but doesn't give a damn about it
who can make herself happy
who finds beauty
who seeks a good time
who likes meeting new people
and trying new things
who can get me out of my own head
when I get stuck there
who's healthy
and wants to keep it that way
who can walk through fire
if that's what it takes
'cause I'd do the same
---
I don't want to babysit
cajole
kiss ass
constantly reassure
be the only one talking
or dreaming
or thinking
I don't want to be together
but livin' by myself
---
I want someone to help me be
the man I am trying to be

Hitchcock
on the Green
"Rear Window"
Wednesday night
I should have listened
a little closer

An old friend, sort of
We didn't talk that much in school
but I respected her
it's been seven years since I last saw her
Tonight, dinner with her husband, to be
Two doctors, to be
My questions are usually one's I've had
To ask myself
I've had plenty since then
But I never wanna let on
That I know how painful the answers can be
Or how much they can stir a restless soul
Just looking for contentment
That they always seem
To make people's heads float away
A million miles from where I am
She seemed a little lost
she said she was glad her head didn't work like mine
'cause she could never make a decision
But she smiled at me too
As if in gratitude - for asking
her eyes looked watery
But he did not notice
When I said I wonder if I am made to marry
She said "I can relate"
and told me fondly of her aunt
Who tried it 4 times, before she quit trying
she said she is better that way
She also said it would take a special woman to handle me
I wonder what that means sometimes
I have heard it a lot lately
---
I hope what I do is good
I think it is
At least better than nodding
And saying I am happy for you
Without knowing if you are
That seems irresponsible-
For a friend

I could feel the storm coming
But I didn't want to sit through it this time
if I was gonna get wet it was gonna be by sweat not tears
---
Half a glass of rum
An orange popsicle
and two more swigs of bourbon
for good measure
bluegrass in my headphones 
and as close to naked as I could get
-let it all settle in-
then I just started runnin'
past the mansions down by the water
by the battery with all the tourists
Then uptown and past the hood 
I saw some bicyclists and ran them down
Then passed them
so I ran faster
I smile at the cat calls from drunk girls
just enough to remind me
I still have a few things going for me
---
then I didn't feel it anymore-
the stormclouds had passed
---
next time
'cause I'm sure there will be more
I'll probably sit through it
Cause I learn: 
what I'm scared of
What's broken 
and what I need to fix
but it's nice to know I can outrun it
if I wanna

"I'm tired of schools today...
all this learning from inanimate objects"
I asked him what a book was
"I know - but we're losing something in human contact"
I agreed, and let him know
I'm a bit of a Sophist, a bit of Socrates
I'm just trying to get you to take me somewhere I haven't been
I told him I don't have much conviction in what I say
'cause I know I'll think something else in a few months, years
but I said I don't see much reason to worry about it either
that the sun is either gonna blow up
or the earth's core will cool and solar winds will burn us up
but until then we'll have food on the table
we'll have space to grow
and when we need to put our minds to something we can do it
we built the atomic bomb in a few short months
but until then, no matter what we do, life will outlive us
If there is one thing I have faith in
It is life's ability to fill a void
but I doubt we can even destroy ourselves if we wanted
He said he liked my optimism, my spirit
but he said that something was still wrong
this feverish pace of destruction
of fertilizers and pesticides in the Mississippi
that what they did in the Gulf was just a fast forward
of what we were already doing
then he started talking about Korea
How the US could mow down 40,000 soldiers in a day
and the very next morning
there would be that many waiting again
"They threw away life like a used condom"
"That stuck with me"
That'll stick with me too

There're a lot of graveyards in this city
So I was wonderin' if I could get buried in my own backyard
or my parents
If that was what I wanted
and In the process of looking up an answer
I discovered a lot of other people 
were asking the same question
but about little babies that never were
so I read their stories 
"I couldn't just throw it in the trash"
some even had pictures
of their little sacs of dreams
all that hope 
all that joy
they just held them in their hands
not much bigger than a thumb
Yeah, I'd probably do the same thing too...

Show me your scars
Show me your birthmarks
Show me where it still hurts
Then I'll know how to treat ya
Don't worry 
I'll show you all mine too
There are no secrets between friends
---
When I say it hurts, let's stop
And then kiss my boo boo
cause I wanna know you care
...don't stop smilin' either
I don't want my hurt
to be contagious
---
lets trade stories 
and then play like old friends 
So we can make our own
---
And when it's time to dance
We'll dance
And when it's time to play
We'll play
And when it's time to kiss
We'll do that too
---
I like you friend
I like how you live

Joe hasn't been hurt
says he "can love freely"
says his girl likes him for it
no need to hold back
ain't nothin' to be worried about-
if she falls for you
she's gotta, if it's ever gonna work
We talked about 
"me versus her"
how self serving is good, at the start
'cause she needs to love you first
later, you can love her 
in the ways she needs
in the ways that don't come natural
consider it a lesson learned
---
---
My friend Joe hit it on the head
Said "I don't know her, but from the way you describe her,
"You're too rough for a girl like that"
I guess I did know that
I picked up on that as soon as I met her
Told her she was acting tougher than she really was
and that makes more sense now
Once I consider what happened
And how her best friend told everyone, everything
And how her mom wasn't ever gonna be happy with her being her
That's a big burden to carry through childhood 
big enough it might get you stuck there
but I was hoping I could nudge her along into womanhood
a place were she could decide for herself
---
It's why when her last guy
Asked for a little space
She ran to another one
even if that meant turning the knife a little
and I guess now this is where I should realize
this isn't so out of character after all
She needed someone to hold her
Tell her it was gonna be alright
but that's easy to find
I know she knows that
I guess I just thought she was past that
---
she told me I made her self conscious
but that's not true
maybe in a new way or two
but she's been raw on the inside all along
and I guess I just forgot it
She fooled me too
I wonder if she fooled herself

Time for a break

I will live out my time here in Charleston, but I will put my other plans on hold for a bit. I guess I have known what my problem has been for some time.

Blase: apathetic to pleasure or excitement because of excessive indulgence or exposure

I have traveled. I have eaten. I have partied. I have loved and made love. In short, I have lived, and I have done too much of it. I remember when I left Bridgewater, food had lost it's flavor. Well, now in a lot of ways life has lost its sparkle.

I realized when I read my thoughts from 5 years ago I might need to take some time to clear my head. I said the same thing to myself a month ago. When I read about Epicurus, it became exceedingly apparent.

Elijah first, then Moses and finally Jesus went to the mount for 40 days and fasted. I do not have the will of the Son of Man, but I think a similar period of withdrawal would be good for me. Elijah went to die, Moses went to find God, Jesus to overcome temptation. I suppose my goal will fall somewhere between them all... To let go of myself and temptation and maybe in the process see what God is.

But first, I must select my mount. Maybe that's why I've had this camping/canoe trip planned all along.

Word of the day....

Teleology

Too late

but maybe it's time for something new....

Epicureanism

per Ecclesiastes:

7Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do. 8 Always be clothed in white, and always anoint your head with oil. 9 Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun— all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun. 10 Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, [c] where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.

 11 I have seen something else under the sun:
       The race is not to the swift
       or the battle to the strong,
       nor does food come to the wise
       or wealth to the brilliant
       or favor to the learned;
       but time and chance happen to them all.

this is startin' to feel like pissin' into the wind...

Tomorrow's always a day away...

I don't think I'm gonna tell
my kids about Santa...
Everyone tells you he's real
And you wanna believe he is...
Until the truth sets in
and you go off and cry
Buts it's better that way
Cause then I have someone 
to thank for what's under the tree
And a lot more understanding 
for when it wasn't  
---
I don't think I'm gonna tell 'em
about love either
at least not the kind everyone is sellin' 
Fairy tales don't do anyone any good
and there sure ain't no need
to break a heart for one
I'm gonna tell them to find a good friend
(or a few) 
Cause then they'll have someone
to smile with when it's goin' right
A shoulder to cry on, and someone to talk to
for when it hurts
---
I don't think I'm gonna bother them with "forever" either 
Cause they ain't gonna live that long
I'm not gonna tell them about "perfect"
cause they won't be
and they ain't gonna find it
I'm gonna tell them to think about their own lives
and those same friends
cause that's what's real
and then they'll have someone 
to thank for getting them this far
And a lot more peace
knowing they've still got time
and a reason
to make it right

you can forgive
and mostly forget
but you'd be a fool not to learn from it
---
I am happy when I do (new) stuff
but happier when I have purpose
but most of the time I just exist
I think it's true man needs good work
to fill all that time
---
music probably is an addiction
so is love
so are most things if you let them
---
Further research has been conducted
on my May 2nd post...

I tried

I wasn't looking for Ms.Right
I was looking for Miss Right Now
She wanted even less
but I did my best
to put myself out there
and be there for her
I told her that I was leaving soon
that I wasn't ready for love
that my heart still had open wounds
that it was still tethered
to a rock in the river
and what I needed most
was someone to help me
cut the ropes
or I was gonna drown
but she didn't wanna hear it
so I ended up trying to carry on
a normal conversation
as I bobbed along the water's surface
but it's hard to talk
with water in your mouth
while you're gasping for air
drowning
in the end, she couldn't help me
'cause she couldn't understand why I still cared so much
about someone who didn't care about me
but after a while
I felt that described her too
when I saw a few texts I shouldn't have seen
when I saw how fickle her affection could be
when the visits were about
the one thing I could get from anyone...
I knew I had to help myself
cause no one else could
so I took a deep breath
dove deep
and untied the ropes
---
set myself free
gave away my keys
and ran like Icarus to the sun
as far away as I could get-
to the Keys, the Conch Republic
I was gonna go by myself
but fate brought along some strangers
who didn't care about anything
including me...
I just wanted a distraction.
But when I got back
I still did what I could do for her
'cause I cared
but I still had to do some stuff
for myself
so I packed my bags
and ran away again
straight towards my problems
this time
but she didn't want to hear that either
---
but now I tell her everything
even the stuff she doesn't wanna hear
and she understands now
even if it hurts a little, at first
but I hope she's better for it
and stronger for it
and happier in the long run
either way
I want the best for her
and I'm still here for her
even if it's not
exactly how she wants it
---
I'm glad we can be honest with each other
even if it took a while

I never thought a traffic ticket could be a love letter

In an empty bar
where no one spoke our language
where water cost the same as beer
I said "Do you want to dance"
she said "Of course"
without hesitation
and I didn't have to ask
if she wanted a kiss
I just leaned in
and she closed her eyes
and I opened my heart
---
it takes a lot of hot air
to lift a man off the ground
and just a moment to
bring him back
but it don't take that much
to lift a man's spirits
---
there were others there
but if they didn't smile
they didn't matter
'cause there ain't nothin' wrong
with havin' a good time
and I had troubles on my mind
but for a night
I forgot about all of 'em
---
a bottle of wine
free condiments
and kiss that was
"gonna earn y'all a ticket if y'all don't stop"
some driving that got us a warning and a smile...
Thank you officer, "it's our first date"
---
later
looking at notes carved in stone
for us,
"the stranger
who may in future times
read this inscription"

They wanted us to know how
"to live and how to die"
---
Thank you, I got it
I'll forget my "broken fortunes"
and I'll worry about death when it comes
but for now
I'll roll in the grass, and
I'll sleep under the stars
and work on findin'
that "priceless treasure"
you keep talkin' about

It don't feel right

to let it wither on the vine
to hear a baby's cry
and turn my head
and let it die
to kill the thought
that makes me smile
but crackrocks
make a crackhead smile
and go mad
maybe that's all it is
an addiction
maybe goodbye ain't so bad

Why the pyramids were built

Say it brother... I feel ya...

If she's bad he can't see it...
he's the last one to know...
lovin' eyes can't ever see...

Cheesy? yes....

Oh well... It's still a good summary of how I live my life...but as for love, I should add a few things

I think the problem is that people have convinced themselves that relationships have to last forever and that it has to be "perfect" to be worthwhile or meaningful...even if the idea of perfection is mostly an illusion.

I think marriage can happen. People can promise all they want, and they can follow through on those promises. However when I look at the majority of marriages they are far from perfect. People fight, people wish they had waited, people want things their spouses can't give.

Alternately people can choose exactly what they want for a moment in their lives: someone to heal them, someone to teach them, someone to pass the time with or simply someone to fuck. It can be all of these, or some combination of them. For some it's something altogether different. But that's what I am getting at.

Relationships are what you make them and depend upon what the people in them are looking for (once they can finally be honest with each other and quit dreaming of the perfect mate, pretending the relationship is something it's not or worrying they will lose the other person). It's not like either one is right or wrong. They are just preferences.

Personally I like the idea of having one person at a time, but not necessarily forever. I want to be free to pursue other individuals if a relationship deteriorates or we grow in different directions. I also am not opposed to the idea of having different people meet different needs in my life.
I'm not suggesting that I don't want a girlfriend or want to avoid dating. I'm not going to deprive myself of meaningful human relationships because I don't buy in to mainstream ideas of what a relationship should be. I am not going to let others validate what I want for my life.
It also means I lose the perception of security that comes from marriage, but at least for now, I think it's a good trade off. I think the small loss in peace of mind is worth the gain in happiness and freedom. Particularly when people are just going to do what makes them happy anyway. In the end I feel I'm really just giving up pretense.

what's the escape velocity for a town that breeds white trash?

was married. now divorced
a young girl
clingin' to a woman's dream
a heart, broken
a promise, unkept
now a little stronger
a little wiser

she told me I was just foolin' myself
thinkin' I could change my ways
by givin' into them
said she was wild
and didn't plan on changin'
first date
in a while
that didn't start out lookin' out a piece of ass
first date
with a friend I haven't seen in 9 years
she's grown up a lot

A mi manera

I played this song at my grandpa's funeral
over my iPhone, and into the microphone
when it was my turn to say something
I thought it summed him up well
but maybe it was my way
of sharing the part of him
that would live on in me