Acceptance

My mood has gotten a lot better since I changed my outlook from preparing for a big journey to actually making sure I enjoy the time between now and then. Work has gotten a lot better too and I actually enjoy what I am doing there (searching for other jobs also offered some perspective and generated a lot gratitude - I realized how boring my job really could be). However, for whatever reason, I keep ignoring (or at least failing to put effort into) the things that make life worth living: meaningful relationships and some sort of activity that betters the world or is a source of deep passion. I am just drifting along in some sort of moderately pleasurable, well-insulated, bourgeois lifestyle.

Usually I write because I am at a breaking point, but now I am writing because I know I can do more. Days are slipping by. I guess it's just a function of where I am at in my life. People my age have routines, and the opportunities that used to trickle into my life (and helped to keep it interesting)  on a regular basis in college and when I was just wandering around are going to require more work at this stage of life. I also have less free time which means the time I used to spend wandering and discovering and having things fall into my lap needs to be substituted with hard working seeking out interesting things. It's also a function of the fact that I have thoroughly explored and experienced the area where I live. There are only so many things a person can do until they must either move or be content with the annual cycle of festivals, events, parties and seasonal changes. As much as I like novelty and new experiences, I need to accept the reality that there is a certain repetitiveness to stationary life and that if I want the stability and benefits that come from this. This also goes for friends. Rather than lamenting that my friends are growing up, moving and other things, I just need to accept that social networks are always in transition and that this is another area I need to work to maintain. I also need to accept that I am different than most people I meet in this city and that I am at a bit of a statistical disadvantage if I want to meet people like myself. I have friends that commute to cities a few hours away just to see their childhood friends on the weekend. I could consider doing the same in Charleston or in Charlotte if I really wanted the variety. I could also consider moving in the next year or two if I find that I simply have a shortage of people I want to hang out with.

Conclusion: work harder to create the life you want while accepting the life that has emerged from the decisions you have made.

Self worth

"The inherent worth and dignity of every person"

This is the first of the seven Unitarian Universalist principles. I don't even know if I hold this to be true for myself. Worth must be earned. I am always critical of what I do and what I am failing at

What do I hang mine on? My appearance, my income, MY INTELLIGENCE, being entertaining/sense of humor, my athletic ability to some degree, my tastes/preferences, the quality of my ambitions.

There is a very good chance I end up as a sad, wrinkled, mentally dull old man.

I don't have inherent self worth outside of what I have done. I need to think about this for a while.

Productivty Apps

"How do you $pend your time"

I've had that post it on my monitor at work for a while. I realized around that time I was pissing it away like a nouveau riche millionaire. Though none of us really have time to piss away. Around that time I also had a conversation with a friend about something called the passion planner which is a detailed day planner, with to do checklists and built in goal setting. Two areas where I needed a lot of work. Today I discovered that there have been quite a few apps coming out to help with this as well and probably are a better way for me to stay organized. 

Areas where I need help

• Personal relationship management
• Time tracking
• Goal setting

I have actually found technology to help with all of these areas:

Keeping in touch

There are plenty of robust services to help with this, but I just needed a  simple app to do the basic. Keep good records, set reminders and keep it all in one place. Contacts Journal does just that. 

Time Tracking

I realized I have been drifting aimlessly since I set my next big goal a few years away (bike trip through Europe, Middle East and Asia - something like this). I have just been pissing away my time in the interim as I save/plan for this big trip. That's been a terrible mistake. I need to make a vow to myself to never live for anything in the future. Anyway, I found an app/website/desktop service Toggl, that works exactly like a stopwatch lap function. You just type in the activity and hit start. Anytime you switch what you're doing it records it. I have also tried building a little one page thing in excel that I have been using at work where I allot my time in 30 minute increments and then also have space for other things I want to keep an account of (Gratitude, personal and work to do's, what I learned today and a space for meeting notes). In this process I realized that how I hoped to spend my time is quite different than how I actually spend it. I also found another time tracking app that lets you estimate how long you thought a task would take and how long it actually took. I have realized I do a terrible job estimating how long some things will actually take to do.      

Goal Setting

I found a wonderful blog post that reviews several nice apps for setting goals. I settled on Habit Calendar, which is a very simple and straight forward app that asks you to list your habits. In the short run I am more interested in creating habits that reflect my goals/values. Right now they are writing more, reading more and connecting with friends. The underlying goals are to stimulate my mind (the book selections dive into my values/goals and are designed to help me lay out a vision for myself - my book for January is a good example), connect with people that I love and care about who stimulate my mind, and being less critical, which is probably my biggest flaw. Two of these are carry over resolutions from 2014 that I wasn't able to carry out without more of a system in place. I am hoping that these system can help me to get more focused on what I want to do.   

Communication

I just realize it's not my job to maintain contact with my parents grandparents and other family members. If they sit around waiting for me to call, that's their own problem. I'd like to receive calls too sometimes or have them visit. There's no need to stress myself out about not calling enough or having any guilt about it. I just need to call when I feel like I need  to talk. That's it