I have been hanging out with my friend Liz lately and she went through a similar breakup as me, except she dated the guy for over 4 years. It was clear after talking to her that her lingering fear after that relationship was that she wouldn't ever matter to anyone. I guess that might be part of my hang up from my last relationship too. I haven't even considered the possibility that I don't matter to her anymore - that I could have been so close, tried so hard, revealed so much and then been reduced to an annoyance in her mind. I think it might have been too much bear a year or two ago, but I think now, even if it's not true, accepting that possibility will be good for the gradual process of ego dissolution I have been going through since leaving Bridgewater. 

Things are always easier to hear when they come from your mama. I think that's because it's one of the few people (if you are fortunate enough to have a good one) on the planet that will almost always have your best interests at heart. Anyway, I made some comments on Facebook about not believing in "true love" (by this I meant the sort of "lose yourself" romance that is so widely talked about) and someone mentioned to my mom how they were surprised by these comments. She was telling me about it and said something along the lines of "Well, he's had his heart broken a few times and I think he is just a little reluctant to jump into things." It was very matter of fact, almost as if there was no doubt in her mind about what had happened. It wasn't judgmental or even defensive, it was just seemed like a logical conclusion for her. When I heard it, I almost wanted to defend myself but I just sat there quietly and took it in and let the conversation keep going. I guess my last relationship has left me a little skittish. That is probably the biggest change I have had from all of my relationships over the past few years (Vidthya being a notable exception). I am reluctant to jump in and "get serious," the girl gets worried and wants out, I feel justified and end up waiting even longer the next time around. It is a cycle that keeps exacerbating itself. Almost to the point that I don't even seriously consider the potential for a long term relationship at times. I think I do expect people to let me down, even if I have faith that someone won't. Even when I do trust people, I am still reluctant to invest in only them because I don't want to be in a position where, if they were to leave, I would be all alone. I really don't have that much faith in anyone. I keep myself guarded in that respect. It doesn't keep me from getting emotionally intimate (I have been able to be much more open with people lately about how I feel) but I can sense a deep desire from almost all women that I meet that they want me to depend on them in a way that I can't (at least immediately). In general, I feel like I am capable of this type of relationship, but I will definitely need someone who can be a little patient with me and not be so eager to jump headlong into things....

One week later...

I have been noticing the subtle transformation going on in my head. It's as if someone simply turned down the volume on my inner dialogue. A voice once so loud it could drown out 80,000 screaming fans at a football game if I was, even for an instant, drawn into my own head. I could drown out even the biggest of sensory inputs and run down pathways in my mind. This medication stops all of that. I speak more slowly, I can carry on trivial conversations with others. I can get out of bed in the morning the first time my alarm goes off. I can go to sleep without feeling antsy about going to bed (as if I might miss something interesting). I am generally on (or close to being) on time without rushing. I can patiently do boring and tedious tasks without being antsy. I can express my thoughts with more organization (mainly because I have so few of them). I almost feel in a perpetually meditative state. Leveled off is probably a good word - not sad, not happy, just sticking to whatever I tell myself I need to do in a given day. I also don't have much interest at all in the opposite sex - its not as if I am disinterested - I just keep reminding myself I don't have time for it right now because I have school work to do - I guess this is what normal people do.

I walk to my car and I don't think anything at all. I just see trees, I feel my breathing, my cold feet. I see the people walking around campus and smile and nod. My brain is still. I take the world in like a poorly edited scene in some ordinary film. I wrote about this before when I was sick.

Part of me wonders how I managed to get anything done over the past 26 years, much less manage to graduate college and hold down a job (even if it didn't work out perfectly because of this very reason). The other part of me misses the ups and downs, the tangents I would wander off on, my perpetually new obsessions and curiosities and the speed at which I processed the world (I can TOTALLY relate to that guy - and he is not exaggerating on the three seconds). I am truly amazed at how much I was able to process in a minute, much less a day.

I think the medicine is doing exactly what it is billed to do and is great for the requirements of the modern world (job, family, school) but even though I don't have emotional responses to pretty much anything anymore, the idea does not appeal to me. I just see myself turning into everyone else. I like the idea of making the world my oyster. I look at myself in the mirror and see why people always told me they were amused by me and admired my energy. I look back at myself just a week ago and see some sort of novelty. I smile at that bewildered kid. I also don't see nearly as much joy or opportunity in the world. I feel less creative and insightful. Things that once excited me now seem bland (and I don't have confidence in my ability to do them - I don't have much of the grandiosity that I had before actually). I also notice I am much less critical of the world (I can patiently wait and listen - I don't find myself finishing people's sentences in my head either).  

I spent the first week sort of feeling like I'd had a pain killer or two beers but interestingly, yesterday I doubled my dose as scheduled and most of the negative side effects went away. I am going to stick on this medication for the remainder of the month and then take a month off over Christmas break to compare, but I did at least want to say that the results have been striking. 

Hi Mom

I have said for a long time that I want harmony more than anything else - that is to say I want all parts of my life in sync. That requires me to bring all of the important pieces of my life up to speed about who I am. Well, I just took one big step towards making that happen......

Food tasted real again today. I started working in my yard again. Has it been two years since I let myself feel?

I'm not supposed to still care, and if I do, things are supposed to work out like a fairy tale right?

No. Things happen. People are separated. Some people will end up happier than others. She's a sweet girl. I wish her the best. 

Day One

Aloneness

The psychiatrist that I went to for my ADHD meds said I should see the therapist after I mentioned I had been depressed for a year or so after my last relationship. She scheduled my first appointment and I had my first session two days ago. I was a little hesitant because I wasn't sure how much it would help and I wasn't sure I wanted to start talking about that again just because I wasn't sure 1) I would even be able to reasonably convey my thoughts within the allotted hour that we were meeting ad 2) I have over thought it so much I wasn't sure what else someone could add. Nonetheless, I went and tried my best to admit the things that I haven't wanted to verbalize to another human. I have really only been close enough to other girls in the past (who didn't want me to still like an old girlfriend) so I was never able to be 100% honest about he whole thing.

As usual I did most of the talking, but one thing she said was pretty helpful. I talked about how close I had felt and how I hadn't dated anyone for a long time before that and she said "it must have been hard to be that close to someone, to feel that level of acceptance and then lose it."

Yes it was.

I have been trying to get at the heart of it for a while - why that breakup bothered me so much. I had said a while back that I felt like I had been rejected by my mom when it was over, but never really reflected on what that meant. I think what I felt in that relationship was acceptance like I had never felt before. I knew my mom unconditionally loved me, but I never opened up to her like I did in that relationship. I was honest with Chris in ways that I hadn't been with anyone else. I showed her sides of me that I hadn't really shown anyone else. I was honest with her about my fears and my worries and hopes and dreams. I felt like she understood me and loved me for who I was (even in spite of the fact that I didn't show her the better, thoughtful, more sensitive side of me, (and a little scared too) which I only showed only towards the end when she pushed me away). I also thought in many ways she was a "better" person than me (by that I mean more sensitive to the needs of other - I have always felt a little self absorbed) and was just left with a ton of self doubt when it ended. Especially after trying harder than I had at anything else in my life and still failing. Not only did I feel the lack of intimacy (and have no one to share my thoughts with) I also felt like I had been rejected by the one person who knew me best.  I felt completely alone - and then proceeded to run like hell from it.

Well I have already learned one very valuable lesson from that. I have to accept myself - but this is only the first step.

After taking my Buddhism class, and reflecting on attachment, I have noticed that I am scared shitless of being alone. I think this is more primal than self acceptance. My life revolves around the company of others - even innane company. I surround myself with people - even people I might not even want to be around at times, just to not face being by myself. I tend to cover myself, almost like a blanket, with people. This is at the heart of why that breakup hurt so much and why I have been bouncing from half ass relationship to half ass relationship for the past year, why I am constantly downtown, why I don't live in the country among other things - it has shaped me more than I want to admit - how I present myself, and what I do. As much as I might have acknowledged I am different and an internally ok with my conclusions, I am often afraid to share them with others.  

I must face this head on.  I took a trip like this last year to get clarity on my spiritual views and it was incredibly helpful. It is now time to do that so I can be fully comfortable in my own skin.

I want to be able to smile at the world and not care if they don't smile back.