The psychiatrist that I went to for my ADHD meds said I should see the therapist after I mentioned I had been depressed for a year or so after my last relationship. She scheduled my first appointment and I had my first session two days ago. I was a little hesitant because I wasn't sure how much it would help and I wasn't sure I wanted to start talking about that again just because I wasn't sure 1) I would even be able to reasonably convey my thoughts within the allotted hour that we were meeting ad 2) I have over thought it so much I wasn't sure what else someone could add. Nonetheless, I went and tried my best to admit the things that I haven't wanted to verbalize to another human. I have really only been close enough to other girls in the past (who didn't want me to still like an old girlfriend) so I was never able to be 100% honest about he whole thing.
As usual I did most of the talking, but one thing she said was pretty helpful. I talked about how close I had felt and how I hadn't dated anyone for a long time before that and she said "it must have been hard to be that close to someone, to feel that level of acceptance and then lose it."
Yes it was.
I have been trying to get at the heart of it for a while - why that breakup bothered me so much. I had said a while back that I felt like I had been rejected by my mom when it was over, but never really reflected on what that meant. I think what I felt in that relationship was acceptance like I had never felt before. I knew my mom unconditionally loved me, but I never opened up to her like I did in that relationship. I was honest with Chris in ways that I hadn't been with anyone else. I showed her sides of me that I hadn't really shown anyone else. I was honest with her about my fears and my worries and hopes and dreams. I felt like she understood me and loved me for who I was (even in spite of the fact that I didn't show her the better, thoughtful, more sensitive side of me, (and a little scared too) which I only showed only towards the end when she pushed me away). I also thought in many ways she was a "better" person than me (by that I mean more sensitive to the needs of other - I have always felt a little self absorbed) and was just left with a ton of self doubt when it ended. Especially after trying harder than I had at anything else in my life and still failing. Not only did I feel the lack of intimacy (and have no one to share my thoughts with) I also felt like I had been rejected by the one person who knew me best. I felt completely alone - and then proceeded to run like hell from it.
Well I have already learned one very valuable lesson from that. I have to accept myself - but this is only the first step.
After taking my Buddhism class, and reflecting on attachment, I have noticed that I am scared shitless of being alone. I think this is more primal than self acceptance. My life revolves around the company of others - even innane company. I surround myself with people - even people I might not even want to be around at times, just to not face being by myself. I tend to cover myself, almost like a blanket, with people. This is at the heart of why that breakup hurt so much and why I have been bouncing from half ass relationship to half ass relationship for the past year, why I am constantly downtown, why I don't live in the country among other things - it has shaped me more than I want to admit - how I present myself, and what I do. As much as I might have acknowledged I am different and an internally ok with my conclusions, I am often afraid to share them with others.
I must face this head on. I took a trip like this last year to get clarity on my spiritual views and it was incredibly helpful. It is now time to do that so I can be fully comfortable in my own skin.
I want to be able to smile at the world and not care if they don't smile back.
As usual I did most of the talking, but one thing she said was pretty helpful. I talked about how close I had felt and how I hadn't dated anyone for a long time before that and she said "it must have been hard to be that close to someone, to feel that level of acceptance and then lose it."
Yes it was.
I have been trying to get at the heart of it for a while - why that breakup bothered me so much. I had said a while back that I felt like I had been rejected by my mom when it was over, but never really reflected on what that meant. I think what I felt in that relationship was acceptance like I had never felt before. I knew my mom unconditionally loved me, but I never opened up to her like I did in that relationship. I was honest with Chris in ways that I hadn't been with anyone else. I showed her sides of me that I hadn't really shown anyone else. I was honest with her about my fears and my worries and hopes and dreams. I felt like she understood me and loved me for who I was (even in spite of the fact that I didn't show her the better, thoughtful, more sensitive side of me, (and a little scared too) which I only showed only towards the end when she pushed me away). I also thought in many ways she was a "better" person than me (by that I mean more sensitive to the needs of other - I have always felt a little self absorbed) and was just left with a ton of self doubt when it ended. Especially after trying harder than I had at anything else in my life and still failing. Not only did I feel the lack of intimacy (and have no one to share my thoughts with) I also felt like I had been rejected by the one person who knew me best. I felt completely alone - and then proceeded to run like hell from it.
Well I have already learned one very valuable lesson from that. I have to accept myself - but this is only the first step.
After taking my Buddhism class, and reflecting on attachment, I have noticed that I am scared shitless of being alone. I think this is more primal than self acceptance. My life revolves around the company of others - even innane company. I surround myself with people - even people I might not even want to be around at times, just to not face being by myself. I tend to cover myself, almost like a blanket, with people. This is at the heart of why that breakup hurt so much and why I have been bouncing from half ass relationship to half ass relationship for the past year, why I am constantly downtown, why I don't live in the country among other things - it has shaped me more than I want to admit - how I present myself, and what I do. As much as I might have acknowledged I am different and an internally ok with my conclusions, I am often afraid to share them with others.
I must face this head on. I took a trip like this last year to get clarity on my spiritual views and it was incredibly helpful. It is now time to do that so I can be fully comfortable in my own skin.
I want to be able to smile at the world and not care if they don't smile back.
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