Sunday, November 20, 2011

Things are always easier to hear when they come from your mama. I think that's because it's one of the few people (if you are fortunate enough to have a good one) on the planet that will almost always have your best interests at heart. Anyway, I made some comments on Facebook about not believing in "true love" (by this I meant the sort of "lose yourself" romance that is so widely talked about) and someone mentioned to my mom how they were surprised by these comments. She was telling me about it and said something along the lines of "Well, he's had his heart broken a few times and I think he is just a little reluctant to jump into things." It was very matter of fact, almost as if there was no doubt in her mind about what had happened. It wasn't judgmental or even defensive, it was just seemed like a logical conclusion for her. When I heard it, I almost wanted to defend myself but I just sat there quietly and took it in and let the conversation keep going. I guess my last relationship has left me a little skittish. That is probably the biggest change I have had from all of my relationships over the past few years (Vidthya being a notable exception). I am reluctant to jump in and "get serious," the girl gets worried and wants out, I feel justified and end up waiting even longer the next time around. It is a cycle that keeps exacerbating itself. Almost to the point that I don't even seriously consider the potential for a long term relationship at times. I think I do expect people to let me down, even if I have faith that someone won't. Even when I do trust people, I am still reluctant to invest in only them because I don't want to be in a position where, if they were to leave, I would be all alone. I really don't have that much faith in anyone. I keep myself guarded in that respect. It doesn't keep me from getting emotionally intimate (I have been able to be much more open with people lately about how I feel) but I can sense a deep desire from almost all women that I meet that they want me to depend on them in a way that I can't (at least immediately). In general, I feel like I am capable of this type of relationship, but I will definitely need someone who can be a little patient with me and not be so eager to jump headlong into things....

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