And What I am to you is not real
What I am to you, you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea
---
What I give to you is just what I'm going through
This is nothing new, no, no just another phase of finding
what I really need is what makes me bleed
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Now I'm stealin' smiles too
He doesn't want to believe me
or more accurately
He wants to believe it was all me
and that's fine
'cause I am guilty
of putting my own desires
before a friend's feelings
though I just did what I always do
which is take the bait...
self control ain't my thing
sorry, bro
or more accurately
He wants to believe it was all me
and that's fine
'cause I am guilty
of putting my own desires
before a friend's feelings
though I just did what I always do
which is take the bait...
self control ain't my thing
sorry, bro
Leaving the anthill
An ant following the path set before him
Will be well fed
even if he fails to find a meal
though
this does not make him right
or even any better
a lonely ant
is probably a hungry ant
---
The more you rely on someone
Or some thing
Or some group
The more it seems you begin
To think
and feel
and see
In the same way
your ideas become those
Of a larger consciousness
---
I want my own path
even if that means I am hungry
Will be well fed
even if he fails to find a meal
though
this does not make him right
or even any better
a lonely ant
is probably a hungry ant
---
The more you rely on someone
Or some thing
Or some group
The more it seems you begin
To think
and feel
and see
In the same way
your ideas become those
Of a larger consciousness
---
I want my own path
even if that means I am hungry
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
A search...
God is the thing which enables us to do what we want to do when we lack the courage or will to follow through... The thing which enables us to do what we want in spite of ourselves...
a) the Bible is but one way to understand God
b) Baptists are mostly pharisees
c) Evolutionary biology is evidence of man's broken spirit
d) who are you really talking to when you pray?
----
I guess I should start by saying I think there seem to be three logical things to do with life. If there is no meaning, either be a hedonist or simply commit suicide if life brings no joy - thankfully I enjoy life and am an optimist by nature (though not so much that I don't have reservations about having children). The other is to search for meaning. There are many ways to do this and many things a person could decide to devote themselves to. A family. Community. Art. They are all fleeting, but hold an undeniable truth. I think the most common place most people find meaning (though maybe it's just peace from an existential crisis) is religion. And though many people hate it for the divisiveness it seems to cause, I think there is a lot of value in it even if it turns out not to be true in the sense that people think it is. It may be just be a good way to psychologically and philosophically deal with the problems people face. One doesn't have to believe in the supernatural to enjoy it. I think yoga is a good example. There are many people who have taken the practical aspects away without being full blown yogis. I am not trying to say either is right or wrong, just that religion is still worthy of study even if one does not believe in god. It represents thousands of years of human thinking about how to deal with life's challenges.
So, I started where I am most comfortable, which is my Christian faith. In many ways I didn't really have a choice. It was a way of thinking that was fed to me in my most formative years by those I trusted most: my family. It is an entire way of viewing what happens in the world, an entirely different view of consciousness and reality. Over the past few years I thought my Southern Baptist roots were something I'd come to terms with, but it was really just something I'd silenced. Recently something pushed the un-mute button and those thoughts came back with a searing precision. I realized I needed to deal with it properly... so began my journey anew.
So, when I thought about the things I had been taught, Christianity was fundamentally about worshiping God. But then I realized I had no idea what/who God really was. Is he love? Is he angry? Is he a judge? Is he ambivalent to the day to day things we go through? I knew so many facets of who he was, but I did not necessarily have a picture of a God that the deepest parts of my soul were begging to worship.
So I decided to turn to the one place that claimed to be the source of knowledge about him: the Bible. Though this time I had to shed all of the collective interpretation that I usually let influence my thinking. When I was a child and I had questions (or conclusions that didn't fit in with what I was being taught), I would ask the preacher what they meant. I realized I am capable of finding them out on my own. God even promises this. "All those who seek shall find."
So as I turned to the Bible, I guess I went to the most logical place which was the writings of Solomon. I found Ecclesiastes to be pretty in sync with how I see the world: In the end, everything is ultimately meaningless... but I couldn't buy into the conclusion that since that's true, we should just spend our lives worshiping God.
That was because the God that I understood was not worthy of worship. He was a jumbled mess of ideology and emotions I didn't want to be a part of.
So then, I began by looking at the attributes of God, and the most common is "holy," which is simply translated as "separate." I found that to be particularly telling. There wasn't any weight attached to it, at least initially, it's just that he is something special, something set apart. But what was he? That became something I wanted to discover. What is the nature of God?
I decided for several reasons, that the best way to do this would be to go into the "wilderness" for a while, along the lines of Elijah, Moses, or Jesus. Getting away, fasting some, and focusing on one goal seemed to be a good way to get some clarity. So I began to prepare for that period, I ironically feel as if I might have already grasped the part that I have been looking for. I will try to outline it..
When I think about the Bible I think there are several distinct epochs of time: Creation and the Garden of Eden, The Pre-Noah era, Abraham and the development of Israel leading up to Jesus, and then Post-Pentecost (aka the period of the Holy Spirit [aka the world we live in]). Most evangelicals teach that these are literal periods of time, but when looked at each as a metaphor for how God and Man seek to deal with the complications of free will I found it made much more sense. I also found a peace that I hadn't had before.
Creation and the Garden of Eden
When I think about science and the way the rest of the natural world works, I cannot help but view this as a beautiful example for how life is meant to exist. The creation story loosely fits in with our understanding of how the world came into being: the big bang and progressive evolution to more complex organisms.
In the garden there was this period of perfect symbiotic equilibrium. Essentially what happens naturally. Man was just another species in this perfect microcosm - I think of something like Galapagos. Species just do what they are intended to do. There is no right or wrong. There is just natural instinct. It was a perfect system... but man had a way out, a way to complicate things. The "tree of the knowledge of good and evil".
Here is a quote from Cicero which might make this clearer:
"virtue. . . is nothing else than [rational] nature perfected and developed to its highest point."
"Aristotle's teleology (telos = aim, purpose, goal, end). Aristotle believed and everyone and everything had a purpose. Everything has an "entelechy." The word literally means "having a telos inside." For example, he thought that rocks always fall to the ground because their entelechy compelled them to fall to the center of the earth. The human entelechy is rational activity in pursuit of the good.
Man could obtain sentience, which would "make him like God". I like how the bible uses nakedness as the characteristic man first notices about himself after obtaining knowledge. I feel like this is shame and guilt. A dog has none - it has simply instinct (or at least they don't carry it with them for more than a few moments). We were free to be creative in our own pursuits and free to pervert the natural order of things. We were free to chose evil. God didn't create it, it is simply what man has brought into existence after obtaining free will.
The Age of Noah
In this period there is no law, no prophets, there is no Bible: just a species of conscious beings left to their own devices - and they make a mess of it. They fall into evil with the exception of one man and his family - Noah. What I find most unique is that Noah found God without any of the modern accoutrement of any religion. It seems it was just a desire to follow, and a sincere search... anyway, God tries again and cleans the slate. It ends with a promise to not do this again.
Abraham, Israel and Jesus
This part begins with a promise to one man. His offspring become a nation. God reveals himself through prophets and eventually offers ultimate redemption through Jesus, which was the purpose of the whole thing. God wanted to offer us a way to restore what was broken. He also offered the other tree from the Garden of Eden: "the tree of life."
When I think about Israel, I think about the law and the commandments. I always viewed them as a measuring stick. Something to be graded against. But interestingly the New Testament says the law is not there for that purpose. It was simply there to show us that we needed God. That we couldn't do it without him.
Jesus even says that the law can be summed up in one sentence: love God and love your neighbor. It says it more explicitly in 1 John 4:8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
This way of living seemed very natural to me, but I still did not know how to love God, particularly if it was not by trying to follow commandments.
Life after the Holy Spirit
Well when I think about what God is, I think about that little voice inside me. Most people would call it a conscience. I feel bad when I violate it and I feel good when I do what it tells me. The problem is I can't follow it consistently. No matter what my intentions are I fail to live up to my own desires. I think that is the purpose of God. That is what happened in the Garden of Eden. Man existed in a state where he just enjoyed life and enjoyed the presence of God. I think that's what the Holy Spirit is about. It's about god in us. That's what Jesus name, Emmanuel means "God with us".
So to sum it all up, God created a perfect system. I think nature, and natural selection are a reflection of this. The Garden of Eden is a metaphor for this as well. We are meant to exist in symbiosis and and commune with the spirit of God. However, we chose sentience ("The tree was... desirable for gaining wisdom"). Afterwards God left man to his own devices and he made a mess of it. We kill each others, we lie, we cheat. We aren't totally depraved, but after hundreds and thousands of generations we can pervert our natures. Evolutionary biology points to this fact. It's the result of our own choices after time. We have both the benefits of altruism (which allowed us to rise above other species and work together) but also the "negative" aspects such as greed which allow us to overcome others within our species. There is no real way to expunge this duality from ourselves. I think the Calvinistic idea that we are totally depraved is wrong, but I do think that we need a little "extra." I think that's what the holy spirit is. It is the spirit of inside us. It is the thing that gives us the courage and the power to do what we innately know is right. The power to rise above our own selfishness.
I will close by sharing one last bit of science. My friend said "deep down inside, people know who they are talking to when they pray." It's a bit of an open ended statement, but I think is is getting at the heart of faith. He offered some evidence from modern neuroscience that I found particularly telling. He said brain scans had been done to see what parts of the brain were active when people thought about what they should do, and then other parts were active when they thought about what their friends or family members would do. Interestingly the same parts that lit up when they thought about what they should do were the same parts that lit up when they prayed.
One could say that's evidence that everyone who prays is just crazy and Schizophrenic. I would offer that as another metaphor showing that we each have a little piece of God inside of us all...
We just have to listen...
a) the Bible is but one way to understand God
b) Baptists are mostly pharisees
c) Evolutionary biology is evidence of man's broken spirit
d) who are you really talking to when you pray?
----
I guess I should start by saying I think there seem to be three logical things to do with life. If there is no meaning, either be a hedonist or simply commit suicide if life brings no joy - thankfully I enjoy life and am an optimist by nature (though not so much that I don't have reservations about having children). The other is to search for meaning. There are many ways to do this and many things a person could decide to devote themselves to. A family. Community. Art. They are all fleeting, but hold an undeniable truth. I think the most common place most people find meaning (though maybe it's just peace from an existential crisis) is religion. And though many people hate it for the divisiveness it seems to cause, I think there is a lot of value in it even if it turns out not to be true in the sense that people think it is. It may be just be a good way to psychologically and philosophically deal with the problems people face. One doesn't have to believe in the supernatural to enjoy it. I think yoga is a good example. There are many people who have taken the practical aspects away without being full blown yogis. I am not trying to say either is right or wrong, just that religion is still worthy of study even if one does not believe in god. It represents thousands of years of human thinking about how to deal with life's challenges.
So, I started where I am most comfortable, which is my Christian faith. In many ways I didn't really have a choice. It was a way of thinking that was fed to me in my most formative years by those I trusted most: my family. It is an entire way of viewing what happens in the world, an entirely different view of consciousness and reality. Over the past few years I thought my Southern Baptist roots were something I'd come to terms with, but it was really just something I'd silenced. Recently something pushed the un-mute button and those thoughts came back with a searing precision. I realized I needed to deal with it properly... so began my journey anew.
So, when I thought about the things I had been taught, Christianity was fundamentally about worshiping God. But then I realized I had no idea what/who God really was. Is he love? Is he angry? Is he a judge? Is he ambivalent to the day to day things we go through? I knew so many facets of who he was, but I did not necessarily have a picture of a God that the deepest parts of my soul were begging to worship.
So I decided to turn to the one place that claimed to be the source of knowledge about him: the Bible. Though this time I had to shed all of the collective interpretation that I usually let influence my thinking. When I was a child and I had questions (or conclusions that didn't fit in with what I was being taught), I would ask the preacher what they meant. I realized I am capable of finding them out on my own. God even promises this. "All those who seek shall find."
So as I turned to the Bible, I guess I went to the most logical place which was the writings of Solomon. I found Ecclesiastes to be pretty in sync with how I see the world: In the end, everything is ultimately meaningless... but I couldn't buy into the conclusion that since that's true, we should just spend our lives worshiping God.
That was because the God that I understood was not worthy of worship. He was a jumbled mess of ideology and emotions I didn't want to be a part of.
So then, I began by looking at the attributes of God, and the most common is "holy," which is simply translated as "separate." I found that to be particularly telling. There wasn't any weight attached to it, at least initially, it's just that he is something special, something set apart. But what was he? That became something I wanted to discover. What is the nature of God?
I decided for several reasons, that the best way to do this would be to go into the "wilderness" for a while, along the lines of Elijah, Moses, or Jesus. Getting away, fasting some, and focusing on one goal seemed to be a good way to get some clarity. So I began to prepare for that period, I ironically feel as if I might have already grasped the part that I have been looking for. I will try to outline it..
When I think about the Bible I think there are several distinct epochs of time: Creation and the Garden of Eden, The Pre-Noah era, Abraham and the development of Israel leading up to Jesus, and then Post-Pentecost (aka the period of the Holy Spirit [aka the world we live in]). Most evangelicals teach that these are literal periods of time, but when looked at each as a metaphor for how God and Man seek to deal with the complications of free will I found it made much more sense. I also found a peace that I hadn't had before.
Creation and the Garden of Eden
When I think about science and the way the rest of the natural world works, I cannot help but view this as a beautiful example for how life is meant to exist. The creation story loosely fits in with our understanding of how the world came into being: the big bang and progressive evolution to more complex organisms.
In the garden there was this period of perfect symbiotic equilibrium. Essentially what happens naturally. Man was just another species in this perfect microcosm - I think of something like Galapagos. Species just do what they are intended to do. There is no right or wrong. There is just natural instinct. It was a perfect system... but man had a way out, a way to complicate things. The "tree of the knowledge of good and evil".
Here is a quote from Cicero which might make this clearer:
"virtue. . . is nothing else than [rational] nature perfected and developed to its highest point."
"Aristotle's teleology (telos = aim, purpose, goal, end). Aristotle believed and everyone and everything had a purpose. Everything has an "entelechy." The word literally means "having a telos inside." For example, he thought that rocks always fall to the ground because their entelechy compelled them to fall to the center of the earth. The human entelechy is rational activity in pursuit of the good.
Man could obtain sentience, which would "make him like God". I like how the bible uses nakedness as the characteristic man first notices about himself after obtaining knowledge. I feel like this is shame and guilt. A dog has none - it has simply instinct (or at least they don't carry it with them for more than a few moments). We were free to be creative in our own pursuits and free to pervert the natural order of things. We were free to chose evil. God didn't create it, it is simply what man has brought into existence after obtaining free will.
The Age of Noah
In this period there is no law, no prophets, there is no Bible: just a species of conscious beings left to their own devices - and they make a mess of it. They fall into evil with the exception of one man and his family - Noah. What I find most unique is that Noah found God without any of the modern accoutrement of any religion. It seems it was just a desire to follow, and a sincere search... anyway, God tries again and cleans the slate. It ends with a promise to not do this again.
Abraham, Israel and Jesus
This part begins with a promise to one man. His offspring become a nation. God reveals himself through prophets and eventually offers ultimate redemption through Jesus, which was the purpose of the whole thing. God wanted to offer us a way to restore what was broken. He also offered the other tree from the Garden of Eden: "the tree of life."
When I think about Israel, I think about the law and the commandments. I always viewed them as a measuring stick. Something to be graded against. But interestingly the New Testament says the law is not there for that purpose. It was simply there to show us that we needed God. That we couldn't do it without him.
Jesus even says that the law can be summed up in one sentence: love God and love your neighbor. It says it more explicitly in 1 John 4:8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
This way of living seemed very natural to me, but I still did not know how to love God, particularly if it was not by trying to follow commandments.
Life after the Holy Spirit
Well when I think about what God is, I think about that little voice inside me. Most people would call it a conscience. I feel bad when I violate it and I feel good when I do what it tells me. The problem is I can't follow it consistently. No matter what my intentions are I fail to live up to my own desires. I think that is the purpose of God. That is what happened in the Garden of Eden. Man existed in a state where he just enjoyed life and enjoyed the presence of God. I think that's what the Holy Spirit is about. It's about god in us. That's what Jesus name, Emmanuel means "God with us".
So to sum it all up, God created a perfect system. I think nature, and natural selection are a reflection of this. The Garden of Eden is a metaphor for this as well. We are meant to exist in symbiosis and and commune with the spirit of God. However, we chose sentience ("The tree was... desirable for gaining wisdom"). Afterwards God left man to his own devices and he made a mess of it. We kill each others, we lie, we cheat. We aren't totally depraved, but after hundreds and thousands of generations we can pervert our natures. Evolutionary biology points to this fact. It's the result of our own choices after time. We have both the benefits of altruism (which allowed us to rise above other species and work together) but also the "negative" aspects such as greed which allow us to overcome others within our species. There is no real way to expunge this duality from ourselves. I think the Calvinistic idea that we are totally depraved is wrong, but I do think that we need a little "extra." I think that's what the holy spirit is. It is the spirit of inside us. It is the thing that gives us the courage and the power to do what we innately know is right. The power to rise above our own selfishness.
I will close by sharing one last bit of science. My friend said "deep down inside, people know who they are talking to when they pray." It's a bit of an open ended statement, but I think is is getting at the heart of faith. He offered some evidence from modern neuroscience that I found particularly telling. He said brain scans had been done to see what parts of the brain were active when people thought about what they should do, and then other parts were active when they thought about what their friends or family members would do. Interestingly the same parts that lit up when they thought about what they should do were the same parts that lit up when they prayed.
One could say that's evidence that everyone who prays is just crazy and Schizophrenic. I would offer that as another metaphor showing that we each have a little piece of God inside of us all...
We just have to listen...
Thursday, September 23, 2010
She walked over to my table
She was probably sixty-five
but she had taken care of herself
she asked me
in the most pleasant voice
if I was "RH"
I said no, I'm Justin
Nice to meet you though
Her date wasn't there
and he wasn't coming
I told her about Whitman
she said that would be good
For those SSDD's
Same shit different day
at least you'll have something
To look back on
She gave a little perspective
I was glad I could soften the blow
---
and I thought about all the places
that I could be
where else I was supposed to be
and why I was here
There is no other way to slice it
besides chance
We slither aimlessly
Like worms beneath the soil
occasionally we blindly slide past each other
---
and I then realized
even if that moment was not ordained
That it still could have meaning
because that comes from
what you do with your chances
She was probably sixty-five
but she had taken care of herself
she asked me
in the most pleasant voice
if I was "RH"
I said no, I'm Justin
Nice to meet you though
Her date wasn't there
and he wasn't coming
I told her about Whitman
she said that would be good
For those SSDD's
Same shit different day
at least you'll have something
To look back on
She gave a little perspective
I was glad I could soften the blow
---
and I thought about all the places
that I could be
where else I was supposed to be
and why I was here
There is no other way to slice it
besides chance
We slither aimlessly
Like worms beneath the soil
occasionally we blindly slide past each other
---
and I then realized
even if that moment was not ordained
That it still could have meaning
because that comes from
what you do with your chances
Vertebrates and Invertebrates
Those without skeletons
must have a thick shell
to hide their lack of backbone
it's such a mess inside
must have a thick shell
to hide their lack of backbone
it's such a mess inside
dum spiro spero
brown leaves
fallen petals
an empty stem
Nihilism,
the seed of a dead flower
the purpose found
after all else has withered
the beauty discovered
after it has passed
Yes...
The simple fact that I live
means that I hope
dum sperro sperro
fallen petals
an empty stem
Nihilism,
the seed of a dead flower
the purpose found
after all else has withered
the beauty discovered
after it has passed
Yes...
The simple fact that I live
means that I hope
dum sperro sperro
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
This sums up pretty well where I am at in my life... Found it while browsing www.vagbonding.net, a link that an old friend sent me.....
"From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines, Going where I list, my own master total and absolute, Listening to others, considering well what they say, Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating, Gently, but with undeniable will divesting myself of the holds that would hold me."
— Walt Whitman, "Song of the Open Road" from Leaves of Grass
The whole poem is great, and I will probably go snag the book... here are a few other lines
"Now I reëxamine philosophies and religions,
They may prove well in lecture-rooms, yet not prove at all under the spacious clouds, and along the landscape and flowing currents"
"Here is adhesiveness—it is not previously fashion’d—it is apropos;
Do you know what it is, as you pass, to be loved by strangers?
Do you know the talk of those turning eye-balls?"
"I and mine do not convince by arguments, similes, rhymes;
We convince by our presence."
"Listen! I will be honest with you;
I do not offer the old smooth prizes, but offer rough new prizes;
These are the days that must happen to you:
You shall not heap up what is call’d riches,
You shall scatter with lavish hand all that you earn or achieve,
You but arrive at the city to which you were destin’d—you hardly settle yourself to satisfaction, before you are call’d by an irresistible call to depart,
You shall be treated to the ironical smiles and mockings of those who remain behind you;
What beckonings of love you receive, you shall only answer with passionate kisses of parting,
You shall not allow the hold of those who spread their reach’d hands toward you."
"To gather the minds of men out of their brains as you encounter them—to gather the love out of their hearts,
To take your lovers on the road with you, for all that you leave them behind you,
To know the universe itself as a road—as many roads—as roads for traveling souls"
"Mon enfant! I give you my hand!
I give you my love, more precious than money,
I give you myself, before preaching or law;
Will you give me yourself? will you come travel with me? 230
Shall we stick by each other as long as we live?"
___
yes, that is what I want... a friend for the road
"From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines, Going where I list, my own master total and absolute, Listening to others, considering well what they say, Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating, Gently, but with undeniable will divesting myself of the holds that would hold me."
— Walt Whitman, "Song of the Open Road" from Leaves of Grass
The whole poem is great, and I will probably go snag the book... here are a few other lines
"Now I reëxamine philosophies and religions,
They may prove well in lecture-rooms, yet not prove at all under the spacious clouds, and along the landscape and flowing currents"
"Here is adhesiveness—it is not previously fashion’d—it is apropos;
Do you know what it is, as you pass, to be loved by strangers?
Do you know the talk of those turning eye-balls?"
"I and mine do not convince by arguments, similes, rhymes;
We convince by our presence."
"Listen! I will be honest with you;
I do not offer the old smooth prizes, but offer rough new prizes;
These are the days that must happen to you:
You shall not heap up what is call’d riches,
You shall scatter with lavish hand all that you earn or achieve,
You but arrive at the city to which you were destin’d—you hardly settle yourself to satisfaction, before you are call’d by an irresistible call to depart,
You shall be treated to the ironical smiles and mockings of those who remain behind you;
What beckonings of love you receive, you shall only answer with passionate kisses of parting,
You shall not allow the hold of those who spread their reach’d hands toward you."
"To gather the minds of men out of their brains as you encounter them—to gather the love out of their hearts,
To take your lovers on the road with you, for all that you leave them behind you,
To know the universe itself as a road—as many roads—as roads for traveling souls"
"Mon enfant! I give you my hand!
I give you my love, more precious than money,
I give you myself, before preaching or law;
Will you give me yourself? will you come travel with me? 230
Shall we stick by each other as long as we live?"
___
yes, that is what I want... a friend for the road
Thoughts on environmentalism....
With every idea in the material word, I always find myself coming back to nihilism. Entropy. Blackness. Though at the same time, I still find satisfaction quite regularly in my day to day life. Is that a contradiction? Maybe.
So I will start by spelling out an idea that has been churning in my head for the past week or two, that I have already dismissed, but still have decided to follow.
---
It started with a hostage takeover a few weeks ago of the Discovery Channel. When I see these things, I always try to get inside the mind of the person. What idea could compel someone to take an action so drastic that they could risk their own life for it?
The gunman was a deranged, and quite radical environmentalist. Who viewed, among other things, human population growth as the main source of the world's problems. His idea's can be found here. It's not a new idea, but there was something about the way he said it, that made me realize I was deeply complicit in the insanity which we partake in on a daily basis. I have included a few of the most vivid quotes below.
"Focus must be given on how people can live WITHOUT giving birth to more filthy human children since those new additions continue pollution and are pollution."
"World War II had 2 Billion humans and after that war, the people decided that tripling the population would assure peace. WTF??? STUPIDITY! MORE HUMANS EQUALS MORE WAR!"
"Programs must be developed to find solutions to stopping ALL immigration pollution and the anchor baby filth that follows that. Find solutions to stopping it. Call for people in the world to develop solutions to stop it completely and permanently. Find solutions FOR these countries so they stop sending their breeding populations to the US and the world to seek jobs and therefore breed more unwanted pollution babies. FIND SOLUTIONS FOR THEM TO STOP THEIR HUMAN GROWTH AND THE EXPORTATION OF THAT DISGUSTING FILTH! (The first world is feeding the population growth of the Third World and those human families are going to where the food is! They must stop procreating new humans looking for nonexistant jobs!)"
"Correct and dismantle the dangerous US world economy. Find solutions for their disasterous Ponzi-Casino economy before they take the world to another nuclear war"
"For every human born, ACRES of wildlife forests must be turned into farmland in order to feed that new addition over the course of 60 to 100 YEARS of that new human’s lifespan!"
"It is the responsiblity of everyone to preserve the planet they live on by not breeding any more children who will continue their filthy practices. Children represent FUTURE catastrophic pollution whereas their parents are current pollution. NO MORE BABIES! Population growth is a real crisis. Even one child born in the US will use 30 to a thousand times more resources than a Third World child. It’s like a couple are having 30 babies even though it’s just one! If the US goes in this direction maybe other countries will too!"
------
I guess I should start by saying none of this ultimately matters. I don't think humans have the capacity to destroy the amorphous concept of "life." If there is one thing I have faith in, it is the persistence of biological organisms to adapt. It's sheer volume. Billions of eggs, billions of sperm, mutation. Try.Try Try. Eventually something will work. Yes, change will come at the expense of other organisms, but I really don't think we have the capacity to destroy it all (or even ourselves for that matter).
For instance, even if global warming continues, and the world gets so hot the oceans just boil, the little deep sea organisms living on underwater sea vents will just spread out.... or something like that. It's just a different world than we have now. And that will continue until the sun blows up, or the earth's core cools and the magnetic fields protecting us from solar winds vanish and we burn up. Then our little rock will float until it ends up in some black hole or is shattered to bits by some asteroid and goes into a billion pieces. I say that to point out that I think environmentalism is flawed in the sense that it is just saving something that is going to die anyway. Kind of like performing a heart transplant on a 90 year old woman. Yeah, it will work, but the end is still in sight.
Anyway, I don't think that means it is wrong. It still does good. Because regardless of what happens eons from now, there will be real people, and plants and animals who will live in the world we create over the next few centuries. It will be a world that those I love inherit after I die.
So forgetting that, and focusing on the reality of the present situation, I think that there are usually two different ways of looking at the situation. The first being that humans are "special" or humans are just another species of life on earth and aren't inherently more valuable than the others.
Western civilization takes the approach (probably stemming from a belief in god) that we are special and the world is ours for the harvesting until we have depleted it. The alternate approach is something along the lines of the various native North American tribes that once lived where I live today. Generally speaking, they lived in "harmony" with a healthy respect for where they lived.
I think both of these approaches are wrong. I think humans are special, but only because we have the ability to control our actions. I think it's silly to view our homes as anything different that anthills. Our graveyards as anything different than a pile of bones under an eagle's nest. That a man made lake is somehow different than a flooded creek from a beavers dam.
I was at a writer's workshop and we were talking about that concept. I think it was summed up best when a local poet said something along the lines of... I was walking along the river and among the familiar sounds of nature, one was missing, the voice of children playing.
I also think that the way we view Native American's harmoniously existing with nature is inaccurate, but that it is also out of sync with what happens in nature. Some have even suggested they were just as pollutive as us, but simply didn't posses the capacity. They couldn't even make paper.
But regardless, taking a population to the point of over capacity is what nature does, so I can't help but find irony in the fact that we are naturally doing what a species in biology would be expected to in our circumstances but it is called unnatural. Deer in a newly burned forest. Rats in hawaii. Kudzu. Feral pigs. A species populates until it can't anymore or until a natural predator emerges. That doesn't make it wrong or right. That's just the way it is.
I say all of that to say that the words above made me realize I was complicit and that I think my problem is that I know I am being selfish with what I have been given. That I don't think babies are inherently pollutive but I certainly think that WE are. That maybe China is doing more for the environment by reducing it's population than we are by raising our vehicle MPG. For my entire life I have viewed being "environmentally friendly" as turning the thermostat down, putting trash in the trash can, and carpooling. I did all of the practical things I was supposed to do. But after reading this, I began to see that I was part of a broken system. Every where I go I leave a constant trail of pollution and whether it ends up in the trashcan or not doesn't really matter. It's not any less of a problem because we put it in a big pile at some landfill and cover it up with dirt. It's not hard to see trashcans themselves as pollution. That our disposable lives are a waste. We wear clothes until they go out of fashion. We get new cars every few years. I heat an entire house when I could just wear more clothes.
BUT that at the same time even if I viewed said pollution as no big deal, the simple overuse of resources is enough to make me want to change because it will lead to the extinction of my basic way life. I guess what I value are the things I find beautiful, and want to do what I can to nurture and preserve them for as long as I can, even if I know they are headed towards oblivion.
Maybe what I value is art, in all its form.
Sorry that was so scattered... Any comments??
So I will start by spelling out an idea that has been churning in my head for the past week or two, that I have already dismissed, but still have decided to follow.
---
It started with a hostage takeover a few weeks ago of the Discovery Channel. When I see these things, I always try to get inside the mind of the person. What idea could compel someone to take an action so drastic that they could risk their own life for it?
The gunman was a deranged, and quite radical environmentalist. Who viewed, among other things, human population growth as the main source of the world's problems. His idea's can be found here. It's not a new idea, but there was something about the way he said it, that made me realize I was deeply complicit in the insanity which we partake in on a daily basis. I have included a few of the most vivid quotes below.
"Focus must be given on how people can live WITHOUT giving birth to more filthy human children since those new additions continue pollution and are pollution."
"World War II had 2 Billion humans and after that war, the people decided that tripling the population would assure peace. WTF??? STUPIDITY! MORE HUMANS EQUALS MORE WAR!"
"Programs must be developed to find solutions to stopping ALL immigration pollution and the anchor baby filth that follows that. Find solutions to stopping it. Call for people in the world to develop solutions to stop it completely and permanently. Find solutions FOR these countries so they stop sending their breeding populations to the US and the world to seek jobs and therefore breed more unwanted pollution babies. FIND SOLUTIONS FOR THEM TO STOP THEIR HUMAN GROWTH AND THE EXPORTATION OF THAT DISGUSTING FILTH! (The first world is feeding the population growth of the Third World and those human families are going to where the food is! They must stop procreating new humans looking for nonexistant jobs!)"
"Correct and dismantle the dangerous US world economy. Find solutions for their disasterous Ponzi-Casino economy before they take the world to another nuclear war"
"For every human born, ACRES of wildlife forests must be turned into farmland in order to feed that new addition over the course of 60 to 100 YEARS of that new human’s lifespan!"
"It is the responsiblity of everyone to preserve the planet they live on by not breeding any more children who will continue their filthy practices. Children represent FUTURE catastrophic pollution whereas their parents are current pollution. NO MORE BABIES! Population growth is a real crisis. Even one child born in the US will use 30 to a thousand times more resources than a Third World child. It’s like a couple are having 30 babies even though it’s just one! If the US goes in this direction maybe other countries will too!"
------
I guess I should start by saying none of this ultimately matters. I don't think humans have the capacity to destroy the amorphous concept of "life." If there is one thing I have faith in, it is the persistence of biological organisms to adapt. It's sheer volume. Billions of eggs, billions of sperm, mutation. Try.Try Try. Eventually something will work. Yes, change will come at the expense of other organisms, but I really don't think we have the capacity to destroy it all (or even ourselves for that matter).
For instance, even if global warming continues, and the world gets so hot the oceans just boil, the little deep sea organisms living on underwater sea vents will just spread out.... or something like that. It's just a different world than we have now. And that will continue until the sun blows up, or the earth's core cools and the magnetic fields protecting us from solar winds vanish and we burn up. Then our little rock will float until it ends up in some black hole or is shattered to bits by some asteroid and goes into a billion pieces. I say that to point out that I think environmentalism is flawed in the sense that it is just saving something that is going to die anyway. Kind of like performing a heart transplant on a 90 year old woman. Yeah, it will work, but the end is still in sight.
Anyway, I don't think that means it is wrong. It still does good. Because regardless of what happens eons from now, there will be real people, and plants and animals who will live in the world we create over the next few centuries. It will be a world that those I love inherit after I die.
So forgetting that, and focusing on the reality of the present situation, I think that there are usually two different ways of looking at the situation. The first being that humans are "special" or humans are just another species of life on earth and aren't inherently more valuable than the others.
Western civilization takes the approach (probably stemming from a belief in god) that we are special and the world is ours for the harvesting until we have depleted it. The alternate approach is something along the lines of the various native North American tribes that once lived where I live today. Generally speaking, they lived in "harmony" with a healthy respect for where they lived.
I think both of these approaches are wrong. I think humans are special, but only because we have the ability to control our actions. I think it's silly to view our homes as anything different that anthills. Our graveyards as anything different than a pile of bones under an eagle's nest. That a man made lake is somehow different than a flooded creek from a beavers dam.
I was at a writer's workshop and we were talking about that concept. I think it was summed up best when a local poet said something along the lines of... I was walking along the river and among the familiar sounds of nature, one was missing, the voice of children playing.
I also think that the way we view Native American's harmoniously existing with nature is inaccurate, but that it is also out of sync with what happens in nature. Some have even suggested they were just as pollutive as us, but simply didn't posses the capacity. They couldn't even make paper.
But regardless, taking a population to the point of over capacity is what nature does, so I can't help but find irony in the fact that we are naturally doing what a species in biology would be expected to in our circumstances but it is called unnatural. Deer in a newly burned forest. Rats in hawaii. Kudzu. Feral pigs. A species populates until it can't anymore or until a natural predator emerges. That doesn't make it wrong or right. That's just the way it is.
I say all of that to say that the words above made me realize I was complicit and that I think my problem is that I know I am being selfish with what I have been given. That I don't think babies are inherently pollutive but I certainly think that WE are. That maybe China is doing more for the environment by reducing it's population than we are by raising our vehicle MPG. For my entire life I have viewed being "environmentally friendly" as turning the thermostat down, putting trash in the trash can, and carpooling. I did all of the practical things I was supposed to do. But after reading this, I began to see that I was part of a broken system. Every where I go I leave a constant trail of pollution and whether it ends up in the trashcan or not doesn't really matter. It's not any less of a problem because we put it in a big pile at some landfill and cover it up with dirt. It's not hard to see trashcans themselves as pollution. That our disposable lives are a waste. We wear clothes until they go out of fashion. We get new cars every few years. I heat an entire house when I could just wear more clothes.
BUT that at the same time even if I viewed said pollution as no big deal, the simple overuse of resources is enough to make me want to change because it will lead to the extinction of my basic way life. I guess what I value are the things I find beautiful, and want to do what I can to nurture and preserve them for as long as I can, even if I know they are headed towards oblivion.
Maybe what I value is art, in all its form.
Sorry that was so scattered... Any comments??
Friday, September 17, 2010
Relapse
It used to bother me every day
then a few times a week
then once a week
and my last few episodes of breaking down
have been weeks apart
So it's definitely getting better
and I see that it really is hormonal
and a lot like an addiction
----
the problem was that I trusted her
more than I trusted myself
thankfully, she has lied enough
and shown enough cowardice
revealing the truth
to prove, that shes not the person I thought
which gives me what I have needed all along
the faith of my convictions
I clearly see what's unfolding
but this part of me
the same part that feels bad
for not believing in Santa
begs for its case to be heard
and I used to give in...
(that's part of the problem too
I'm in love with an idea, not a person)
I've really just needed closure
and she hasn't been willing to give it to me
---
but It makes a little more sense now
she said she doesn't know who I am anymore
but this same curious mind has always been there
but when I consider the moment in time we met
a time when my ego was at it's peak
it makes a little more sense
it starts to click
I was a real dick when I met her
that's probably what she was attracted to
a guy with a clear plan
even if it was just to make some money
I was trying to climb the ladder
at the world's largest hedge fund
I wanted her just for pleasure
and I wasn't interested in a relationship
now that it's over
and my priorities are changing
she can't relate
I sigh, thinking it had to be more than that
but there isn't a real reason
save the few moments we shared
where she saw how my mind works
but if that was it...
then it should come as no surprise
I was never dedicated to an ending
just a pursuit:
and I was looking for someone
for the journey
then a few times a week
then once a week
and my last few episodes of breaking down
have been weeks apart
So it's definitely getting better
and I see that it really is hormonal
and a lot like an addiction
----
the problem was that I trusted her
more than I trusted myself
thankfully, she has lied enough
and shown enough cowardice
revealing the truth
to prove, that shes not the person I thought
which gives me what I have needed all along
the faith of my convictions
I clearly see what's unfolding
but this part of me
the same part that feels bad
for not believing in Santa
begs for its case to be heard
and I used to give in...
(that's part of the problem too
I'm in love with an idea, not a person)
I've really just needed closure
and she hasn't been willing to give it to me
---
but It makes a little more sense now
she said she doesn't know who I am anymore
but this same curious mind has always been there
but when I consider the moment in time we met
a time when my ego was at it's peak
it makes a little more sense
it starts to click
I was a real dick when I met her
that's probably what she was attracted to
a guy with a clear plan
even if it was just to make some money
I was trying to climb the ladder
at the world's largest hedge fund
I wanted her just for pleasure
and I wasn't interested in a relationship
now that it's over
and my priorities are changing
she can't relate
I sigh, thinking it had to be more than that
but there isn't a real reason
save the few moments we shared
where she saw how my mind works
but if that was it...
then it should come as no surprise
I was never dedicated to an ending
just a pursuit:
and I was looking for someone
for the journey
Thursday, September 16, 2010
I've sat patiently, waiting
hoping you'd heal, open up: nothing
except when you have a little guilt
then you reach out
just enough to assuage that nagging feeling
but not enough to share the truth
only when I push you
and tell you the things
you don't want to hear from me
or ask the questions you want to forget
do you lash out
with words you think will cut me
as if the truth would sting
but you see
that's what I have been waiting for
all along
so I can move along
and put you where you belong
in my past
----
I do have a little regret though
I know you've changed a lot
as have I
and I felt like I helped spur
a lot of those changes in you
so I was kind of curious
to see what type of person you have become
and it hurt a little, when you didn't care
about the ways I'd changed
but that is nothing I can change
and something only acceptance
can cure
hoping you'd heal, open up: nothing
except when you have a little guilt
then you reach out
just enough to assuage that nagging feeling
but not enough to share the truth
only when I push you
and tell you the things
you don't want to hear from me
or ask the questions you want to forget
do you lash out
with words you think will cut me
as if the truth would sting
but you see
that's what I have been waiting for
all along
so I can move along
and put you where you belong
in my past
----
I do have a little regret though
I know you've changed a lot
as have I
and I felt like I helped spur
a lot of those changes in you
so I was kind of curious
to see what type of person you have become
and it hurt a little, when you didn't care
about the ways I'd changed
but that is nothing I can change
and something only acceptance
can cure
home
This is land which screams the glory of god
huge trees which stand like rigid monoliths
pointing to clouds like giant puffs of shaving cream
drifting over landscapes that spread out like icing
and low spots like bowls turning into blue bodies
of rippling water, just out the kitchen window
grass thick and green like old shag carpet
that begs to be rolled around in
My dog, tongue hanging out
wags her little tail, each time i walk outside
as we walk around our patch of earth
one ear hangs down, the other half cocked up
her big brown eye reflecting the amber rays
of a setting sun
forcing a smile on my own face
as I feel the cool breeze, with the taste of autumn
September is my favorite month
huge trees which stand like rigid monoliths
pointing to clouds like giant puffs of shaving cream
drifting over landscapes that spread out like icing
and low spots like bowls turning into blue bodies
of rippling water, just out the kitchen window
grass thick and green like old shag carpet
that begs to be rolled around in
My dog, tongue hanging out
wags her little tail, each time i walk outside
as we walk around our patch of earth
one ear hangs down, the other half cocked up
her big brown eye reflecting the amber rays
of a setting sun
forcing a smile on my own face
as I feel the cool breeze, with the taste of autumn
September is my favorite month
logic>emo
So I gave it a whirl
and I don't think I am jaded
I just realized it's not for me
I am more comfortable
in the realm of logic
than emotion
which I think mostly
boils down to hormones and pop values
I don't have time for that garbage
Time to atrophy this little reptilian brain
yet again
and I don't think I am jaded
I just realized it's not for me
I am more comfortable
in the realm of logic
than emotion
which I think mostly
boils down to hormones and pop values
I don't have time for that garbage
Time to atrophy this little reptilian brain
yet again
I feel like a fool
for sitting patiently
and doing what I was told
a friend said I was a puppydog
and there was some truth to that
I was broken into obedience
but that's over
I feel a little strung along
that she sat and watched
from a safe distance
and didn't at least speak up
---
The person I knew might be living
but they have been buried alive
That's a strange kind of funeral
but either way I've gotta do some mourning
---
I am tired of feeling bad for my mistakes
if I haven't shown that I care by now
I will never be able to
If she doesn't care by now
she never will
---
Time to list all the things I need to say goodbye to:
-A conversation that I clung to
her: that is how I feel too
i am so scared of loosing you long term
but right now its not working
but just ruining what we had
and I dont want to destroy it or fight
me: do you think I am doing anything wrong right now?
her: no
me: ok
i thought i have been trying really
hard not argue or fight, and do what you say
her: ha, you have been great
and that is why I was even more scared to tell you this stuff
because that weekend really did change alot
me: i was starting to feel like a doormat
her: oh god, I am so sorry, you are not
you are someone I don't want to lose
me: I felt like you were just pushing me away
so you could be comfortable and just forget about me
and go frolic with people who put your mind at ease
her: ha
no
I was pushing because I knew I wanted you here
me: well why didn't you let me get close after I visited?
you were afraid it would hurt more?
her: yes
me: we made the list, but didn't do anything on it
her: I got scared how much I wanted it
----
-The words I thought made it clear, for a person I have not seen in a long time. Hard to believe I wrote this 6 months ago.
You seem to be caught up in all the things you weren't to me, and I hate myself for that, because there were so many good things that you meant to me. I thought you knew all of them, but I guess I didn't say them enough. I loved your heart. I loved how you cared about others. I loved how you loved me. I loved how you could stand the heat of a thousand flames to defend what you believed in. I loved your innocence. I loved your desire to be a better person. I loved how you would stand by a person no matter what. I loved how you fit in with my family. I loved your writing. I loved how you could stop and admire little things like a flower or a small child. I loved how we were when we did thing together. I loved how strong you were... but I think overestimated it. The sad part is, that's one of the first things I called out on you. I should have known better. I never meant to put on your shoulders more than you could bear.
In some ways I hoped that when I visited you, you wouldn't have wanted to see me. I would have known whatever we had was dead, and that I just needed to move on. I had realized after our fight on NYE how much everything I had done over the past year had really just broken you to pieces. I could accept the fact that I might have unknowingly caused irreparable damage to the relationship. I knew you were guarding yourself over the phone so I had to see your face to know how you really felt. I also thought you were hurting and needed a hug. I thought for the first few moments you might have been faking a smile, but I realized that was just shock. When I saw you, I knew you still loved me. I have only seen you that happy a few times. You didn't stop smiling for hours that night.
That's why I have been fighting for you the last few weeks. I didn't want whatever that thing was to die. I knew I could make you happy, and I realized that you made me happy. I wasn't sure if either of us would be able to find that again. I am not saying we are perfect for each other, but what we had was special. Right now it feels like whatever we had is pretty much dead, but the worst part is I don't see any real way of reviving it, since I doubt we will see each other in person again. I knew that, and that's why I kept fighting. I didn't want to lose you forever. As much as I might like to believe "it's not goodbye, it's see you later" I don't see how things can do anything but fizzle out.
Right after NYE you told me I really had to be more sensitive and I showed you a side of me I rarely show anyone. After I visited, I knew I had to give you space. I knew the closer I pulled you, the farther I was going to push you away, so I did my best to keep my distance.Then you threw me a curveball and I really didn't know what to think. I wasn't mad at you, I understood why you did what you did. You wanted what I hadn't been giving you and what I wasn't able to provide for you because I wasn't physically there. What bothered me the most was that I knew I could provide either of those had I known you needed them earlier. Distance is just a matter of packing up and moving and I think you know I can be tender, I have always given it to you when you needed it.
Anyway, I was just really hurt. My (somewhat) calm collected composure just went out of the window. All of my ability to stay strong and let you have space melted and I turned into a needy little child. It would have been easy for me to deal with what you were telling me, but I needed you to walk me through it. Reassure me. I was hurting inside. I just needed you to tell me you still loved me and cared about me. But, I think you felt in more than one way, I was trying to manipulate you so I understood your reservations. I knew why you were pushing me away - I just wanted you to see that I really did want the best for you. I just needed your help for a little while.
The saddest part is that until mid-January I don't think either of was intentionally trying to hurt the other person. It was a total miscommunication.
---
Words that ate at me... and made me want to make it all better
her: I felt like I made up a lot of our relationship, that I could have been this stupid before, and not sure if I was. That I was what you wanted, I tried really hard to fix that and now you are gone and I am alone again
for sitting patiently
and doing what I was told
a friend said I was a puppydog
and there was some truth to that
I was broken into obedience
but that's over
I feel a little strung along
that she sat and watched
from a safe distance
and didn't at least speak up
---
The person I knew might be living
but they have been buried alive
That's a strange kind of funeral
but either way I've gotta do some mourning
---
I am tired of feeling bad for my mistakes
if I haven't shown that I care by now
I will never be able to
If she doesn't care by now
she never will
---
Time to list all the things I need to say goodbye to:
-A conversation that I clung to
her: that is how I feel too
i am so scared of loosing you long term
but right now its not working
but just ruining what we had
and I dont want to destroy it or fight
me: do you think I am doing anything wrong right now?
her: no
me: ok
i thought i have been trying really
hard not argue or fight, and do what you say
her: ha, you have been great
and that is why I was even more scared to tell you this stuff
because that weekend really did change alot
me: i was starting to feel like a doormat
her: oh god, I am so sorry, you are not
you are someone I don't want to lose
me: I felt like you were just pushing me away
so you could be comfortable and just forget about me
and go frolic with people who put your mind at ease
her: ha
no
I was pushing because I knew I wanted you here
me: well why didn't you let me get close after I visited?
you were afraid it would hurt more?
her: yes
me: we made the list, but didn't do anything on it
her: I got scared how much I wanted it
----
-The words I thought made it clear, for a person I have not seen in a long time. Hard to believe I wrote this 6 months ago.
You seem to be caught up in all the things you weren't to me, and I hate myself for that, because there were so many good things that you meant to me. I thought you knew all of them, but I guess I didn't say them enough. I loved your heart. I loved how you cared about others. I loved how you loved me. I loved how you could stand the heat of a thousand flames to defend what you believed in. I loved your innocence. I loved your desire to be a better person. I loved how you would stand by a person no matter what. I loved how you fit in with my family. I loved your writing. I loved how you could stop and admire little things like a flower or a small child. I loved how we were when we did thing together. I loved how strong you were... but I think overestimated it. The sad part is, that's one of the first things I called out on you. I should have known better. I never meant to put on your shoulders more than you could bear.
In some ways I hoped that when I visited you, you wouldn't have wanted to see me. I would have known whatever we had was dead, and that I just needed to move on. I had realized after our fight on NYE how much everything I had done over the past year had really just broken you to pieces. I could accept the fact that I might have unknowingly caused irreparable damage to the relationship. I knew you were guarding yourself over the phone so I had to see your face to know how you really felt. I also thought you were hurting and needed a hug. I thought for the first few moments you might have been faking a smile, but I realized that was just shock. When I saw you, I knew you still loved me. I have only seen you that happy a few times. You didn't stop smiling for hours that night.
That's why I have been fighting for you the last few weeks. I didn't want whatever that thing was to die. I knew I could make you happy, and I realized that you made me happy. I wasn't sure if either of us would be able to find that again. I am not saying we are perfect for each other, but what we had was special. Right now it feels like whatever we had is pretty much dead, but the worst part is I don't see any real way of reviving it, since I doubt we will see each other in person again. I knew that, and that's why I kept fighting. I didn't want to lose you forever. As much as I might like to believe "it's not goodbye, it's see you later" I don't see how things can do anything but fizzle out.
Right after NYE you told me I really had to be more sensitive and I showed you a side of me I rarely show anyone. After I visited, I knew I had to give you space. I knew the closer I pulled you, the farther I was going to push you away, so I did my best to keep my distance.Then you threw me a curveball and I really didn't know what to think. I wasn't mad at you, I understood why you did what you did. You wanted what I hadn't been giving you and what I wasn't able to provide for you because I wasn't physically there. What bothered me the most was that I knew I could provide either of those had I known you needed them earlier. Distance is just a matter of packing up and moving and I think you know I can be tender, I have always given it to you when you needed it.
Anyway, I was just really hurt. My (somewhat) calm collected composure just went out of the window. All of my ability to stay strong and let you have space melted and I turned into a needy little child. It would have been easy for me to deal with what you were telling me, but I needed you to walk me through it. Reassure me. I was hurting inside. I just needed you to tell me you still loved me and cared about me. But, I think you felt in more than one way, I was trying to manipulate you so I understood your reservations. I knew why you were pushing me away - I just wanted you to see that I really did want the best for you. I just needed your help for a little while.
The saddest part is that until mid-January I don't think either of was intentionally trying to hurt the other person. It was a total miscommunication.
---
Words that ate at me... and made me want to make it all better
her: I felt like I made up a lot of our relationship, that I could have been this stupid before, and not sure if I was. That I was what you wanted, I tried really hard to fix that and now you are gone and I am alone again
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
aiden
Every time the topic comes up with friends, the inevitable response is "you're not over her yet are you?" For the two months we didn't speak, I thought I was. But now that were are sort of talking what I have realized is that the pain has stopped, but my feelings never did. I was just able to brush them aside for a while since I wasn't having to face them. You can't just stop caring for someone, or at least I can't.
As much as I would like not to, it seems I still do hold out hope, that the person I used to know, will resurface. We all have different faces when we talk with others, the professional face, our silly face, our get the hell out of my face face, and the face we never show except to close friends. Well, there is(was) a side of her I haven't seen in a long time - the person that used to come out right before bedtime, who'd confide her problems, her fears and her hopes. That's the person I fell in love with. Problem is I haven't spoken with her on that level in months. She will stick up her head from time to time and resurface, just to let me know she's still alive, but it's like a turtle's head just above the water's surface.
In a lot of ways I feel like I am hunting Big Foot. I have these sightings, tracks in the mud, and other pieces of evidence, but I feel like I am waiting on something I know might very well just be an outcropping of someone's (my own) imagination.
At least I don't blame myself anymore. I'll just be patient, live my life, and see what happens.
As much as I would like not to, it seems I still do hold out hope, that the person I used to know, will resurface. We all have different faces when we talk with others, the professional face, our silly face, our get the hell out of my face face, and the face we never show except to close friends. Well, there is(was) a side of her I haven't seen in a long time - the person that used to come out right before bedtime, who'd confide her problems, her fears and her hopes. That's the person I fell in love with. Problem is I haven't spoken with her on that level in months. She will stick up her head from time to time and resurface, just to let me know she's still alive, but it's like a turtle's head just above the water's surface.
In a lot of ways I feel like I am hunting Big Foot. I have these sightings, tracks in the mud, and other pieces of evidence, but I feel like I am waiting on something I know might very well just be an outcropping of someone's (my own) imagination.
At least I don't blame myself anymore. I'll just be patient, live my life, and see what happens.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
The Renaissance is over...
As I begin to decide what I will do when I return to work, I am torn between the desire to follow my various creative pursuits but still create for myself a comfortable lifestyle, push myself to do something "meaningful" for society rather than just dabble aimlessly, and lastly, work at a level where I feel I am pushing myself. I struggle with how to take my constantly evolving interests and push them into something worthwhile...
I pride myself on being talented at many things, but I know I am an expert at nothing. I aspire for the top few percentiles, but grow bored after that. The pursuit of novelty always has more allure than the pursuit of running deep down some intellectual tunnel (maybe it's just competition with those around me though)... But in any event, it's a strange feeling knowing I am better than most people I will personally encounter, but many times worse than the best in a given field. It's an even more unsettling feeling that what I know/do doesn't count for much of anything in today's world.
In centuries past, being a renaissance man used to be a good thing. Many great men come to mind.... my favorites are Da Vinci, Edison and Thomas Jefferson. Men who spanned several disciplines and were held in high esteem in each. But then, the barriers to entry were much lower. A man could spend a year or two in detailed study and make relatively significant discoveries. More importantly, they could comfortably support themselves given how the world worked.
Now, without significant experience in a particular discipline, an individual can quickly be reduced to a simple hourly worker. It seems a phd is simply a good starting point for study. The world has changed so much. When I visited Monticello, Jefferson had one of the largest libraries in the country and it had, maybe, a few hundred books. Information was not widely disseminated and there wasn't much of it recorded to begin with anyway. I would bet on any given day, more informational content (youtube, emails, blogs, research, books, film, radio) is produced than was created in a decade just several generations ago. And each day's information is more than an individual could hope to understand in a lifetime. It seems with each new idea I have, I can simply search for it, and find dozens of books on the topic written by men who have spent an entire lifetime wrestling with the very idea I came across. There are few things that kill my interest in a topic than knowing that there isn't anything I can bring to the table. So I usually just give up and look for something else where I can add value.
The internet also raises the bar for what is valued in society, and what is interesting. Just a few decades crowds could be entertained by a man who could juggle a few balls on the street. Now with YouTube, every talent has to be compared with the best that the entire world has to offer rather than what a given audience would have the chance to encounter in their daily lives. In the past, you could have thousands of people doing the same thing simultaneously and all be equally appreciated. Now it seems like everything elicits the response "I've seen that on facebook/YouTube/tv before." I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. I appreciate the much higher levels of skill and creativity that this promotes. I also enjoy how it can easily match people up.... buyers and sellers, job hunters and job seekers.. post a resume in Portland and get a job in Miami.... It's definitely, on the whole, a net positive... but it does make a very interesting challenge for people like me, who just want to sample out what the world has to offer.
Just trying to figure out how to use what I have....
I pride myself on being talented at many things, but I know I am an expert at nothing. I aspire for the top few percentiles, but grow bored after that. The pursuit of novelty always has more allure than the pursuit of running deep down some intellectual tunnel (maybe it's just competition with those around me though)... But in any event, it's a strange feeling knowing I am better than most people I will personally encounter, but many times worse than the best in a given field. It's an even more unsettling feeling that what I know/do doesn't count for much of anything in today's world.
In centuries past, being a renaissance man used to be a good thing. Many great men come to mind.... my favorites are Da Vinci, Edison and Thomas Jefferson. Men who spanned several disciplines and were held in high esteem in each. But then, the barriers to entry were much lower. A man could spend a year or two in detailed study and make relatively significant discoveries. More importantly, they could comfortably support themselves given how the world worked.
Now, without significant experience in a particular discipline, an individual can quickly be reduced to a simple hourly worker. It seems a phd is simply a good starting point for study. The world has changed so much. When I visited Monticello, Jefferson had one of the largest libraries in the country and it had, maybe, a few hundred books. Information was not widely disseminated and there wasn't much of it recorded to begin with anyway. I would bet on any given day, more informational content (youtube, emails, blogs, research, books, film, radio) is produced than was created in a decade just several generations ago. And each day's information is more than an individual could hope to understand in a lifetime. It seems with each new idea I have, I can simply search for it, and find dozens of books on the topic written by men who have spent an entire lifetime wrestling with the very idea I came across. There are few things that kill my interest in a topic than knowing that there isn't anything I can bring to the table. So I usually just give up and look for something else where I can add value.
The internet also raises the bar for what is valued in society, and what is interesting. Just a few decades crowds could be entertained by a man who could juggle a few balls on the street. Now with YouTube, every talent has to be compared with the best that the entire world has to offer rather than what a given audience would have the chance to encounter in their daily lives. In the past, you could have thousands of people doing the same thing simultaneously and all be equally appreciated. Now it seems like everything elicits the response "I've seen that on facebook/YouTube/tv before." I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. I appreciate the much higher levels of skill and creativity that this promotes. I also enjoy how it can easily match people up.... buyers and sellers, job hunters and job seekers.. post a resume in Portland and get a job in Miami.... It's definitely, on the whole, a net positive... but it does make a very interesting challenge for people like me, who just want to sample out what the world has to offer.
Just trying to figure out how to use what I have....
Summary, Directions, Aporia
For the past few months I have been coming to terms with who I am and letting my self-image break into pieces. It was painful. I had to admit a lot of stuff that I had just sort of brushed aside and buried. But now I feel like I am much stronger, much more open, and after having a little taste of heartache myself, I am in a much better position to relate to others. I feel very genuine.
In the process, I have let myself go on a few distractions (trips, people, hobbies, girls, ect) to take my mind of of bad thought processes I was getting caught in (for a while I was just wallowing in bad ideas and running my mind in circles) but now I need to face the conclusions I have come to over the past few months.
Over the summer, the things I viewed as blessings began to be viewed as burdens if I really wanted to give myself a chance to become whatever I wanted. My self exploration required a freedom that I didn't have. I was tied to my house, tied to Columbia, tied to cash flow, tied to my resume, tied to memories of an old relationship.... Now, my house is rented, my bills are eliminated for the most part and I have no real commitments after I take my CAIA test in two weeks, and I'm reasonably comfortable doing things on my own, though a partner in crime would be nice. I've tried to make a responsible exit from everything, and I think I will still pursure my CFA and CAIA designations but I am not going to let these types of things direct my pursuits. They will be important, yet secondary considerations.
I am going to let myself go where the wind takes me. Right now, I think the first step will be some pursuit of spiritual clarity, probably in the woods somewhere, away from familiar influences (family, music, television, ect). I hope this process will enable me to piece together a few simple principles that I can use to guide myself in my day to day life. Right now, I feel like I have so many competing (and contradictory) ideas inside my head. I feel like I need to just erase everything and begin from the top... my ideas on love, my ideas on success, my ideas on material possession, my ideas of a good time, or a good person. Right now I can make judgments but they are scattered and vary from scenario to scenario.
And now I remember Mr.Neruda... "forgetting lasts so long"
Finding a purpose is what matters. Then I can start setting some real goals and working towards them.
----
Like most things I do, this adventure will be multipurpose. The other reason for doing so is to give up a few things I think I am addicted to. Primarily my phone, the internet, Facebook, and things of that ilk. They are very big distractions for me right now. I have never once voluntarily given up something I have enjoyed for more than a few passing moments. In a lot of ways I guess it is like lent.
I also want to connect with the earth on a very raw biological level. I feel like we, as modern humans, don't really know what it means to be an animal, which we are. I want to fast and experience real hunger, crap in the woods, face some of the milder elements, grow a beard, hunt/scavenge for some of my food, be forced to contend with my own thoughts in the solitude of the woods and entertain myself with what I can find. I got a taste of this going down the Congaree River for a few days and really enjoyed it. I think it will be a good experience to carry with me me throughout the rest of my life.
In the process, I have let myself go on a few distractions (trips, people, hobbies, girls, ect) to take my mind of of bad thought processes I was getting caught in (for a while I was just wallowing in bad ideas and running my mind in circles) but now I need to face the conclusions I have come to over the past few months.
Over the summer, the things I viewed as blessings began to be viewed as burdens if I really wanted to give myself a chance to become whatever I wanted. My self exploration required a freedom that I didn't have. I was tied to my house, tied to Columbia, tied to cash flow, tied to my resume, tied to memories of an old relationship.... Now, my house is rented, my bills are eliminated for the most part and I have no real commitments after I take my CAIA test in two weeks, and I'm reasonably comfortable doing things on my own, though a partner in crime would be nice. I've tried to make a responsible exit from everything, and I think I will still pursure my CFA and CAIA designations but I am not going to let these types of things direct my pursuits. They will be important, yet secondary considerations.
I am going to let myself go where the wind takes me. Right now, I think the first step will be some pursuit of spiritual clarity, probably in the woods somewhere, away from familiar influences (family, music, television, ect). I hope this process will enable me to piece together a few simple principles that I can use to guide myself in my day to day life. Right now, I feel like I have so many competing (and contradictory) ideas inside my head. I feel like I need to just erase everything and begin from the top... my ideas on love, my ideas on success, my ideas on material possession, my ideas of a good time, or a good person. Right now I can make judgments but they are scattered and vary from scenario to scenario.
And now I remember Mr.Neruda... "forgetting lasts so long"
Finding a purpose is what matters. Then I can start setting some real goals and working towards them.
----
Like most things I do, this adventure will be multipurpose. The other reason for doing so is to give up a few things I think I am addicted to. Primarily my phone, the internet, Facebook, and things of that ilk. They are very big distractions for me right now. I have never once voluntarily given up something I have enjoyed for more than a few passing moments. In a lot of ways I guess it is like lent.
I also want to connect with the earth on a very raw biological level. I feel like we, as modern humans, don't really know what it means to be an animal, which we are. I want to fast and experience real hunger, crap in the woods, face some of the milder elements, grow a beard, hunt/scavenge for some of my food, be forced to contend with my own thoughts in the solitude of the woods and entertain myself with what I can find. I got a taste of this going down the Congaree River for a few days and really enjoyed it. I think it will be a good experience to carry with me me throughout the rest of my life.
People deal with pain in different ways
Distractions are good for a while
and I suppose they can become reality
but I wonder what happens to the person
inside the person
who was left behind
and replaced with a pretty picture
do they turn to ash,
a pillar of salt
are they flattened into a new foundation
for a life to come
or do they just leave a sore spot
that never heals
sort of get cryogenically frozen
somewhere deep in the soul
and thaw out from time to time
when you cry in your pillow
That's the person I like talking to
But how do you get there
how do you give that person a hug?
Distractions are good for a while
and I suppose they can become reality
but I wonder what happens to the person
inside the person
who was left behind
and replaced with a pretty picture
do they turn to ash,
a pillar of salt
are they flattened into a new foundation
for a life to come
or do they just leave a sore spot
that never heals
sort of get cryogenically frozen
somewhere deep in the soul
and thaw out from time to time
when you cry in your pillow
That's the person I like talking to
But how do you get there
how do you give that person a hug?
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
Monday, September 06, 2010
Sunday, September 05, 2010
Dear women
Every time we speak about love
my mind melts a little
I can't figure out how your gears turn
the machinations of your consciousness
pulling a dozen tangled strings
yet still maintaining clarity
why you want to own your lovers
and cut yourself off to the world
to preserve it
even if you really just want to be single
all these little rules, pretenses
I don't understand
how you pop in
and then pop out
how you can beg for love
and face a thousand storms
and then one day
decide to slice a heart
and smile at the blood on your hands
who is this bitch inside you
feeding on the blackness, deep inside you
the pressurized hate, long ago fermented
who is her father, and where was she born
how can this woman still be a mother?
my mind melts a little
I can't figure out how your gears turn
the machinations of your consciousness
pulling a dozen tangled strings
yet still maintaining clarity
why you want to own your lovers
and cut yourself off to the world
to preserve it
even if you really just want to be single
all these little rules, pretenses
I don't understand
how you pop in
and then pop out
how you can beg for love
and face a thousand storms
and then one day
decide to slice a heart
and smile at the blood on your hands
who is this bitch inside you
feeding on the blackness, deep inside you
the pressurized hate, long ago fermented
who is her father, and where was she born
how can this woman still be a mother?
Friday, September 03, 2010
so what are you doing now?
So I sit here, at my parents house
Twenty Five Years old
A quarter of my life is gone
even if I am optimistic
I'm a little old for this
even if it is temporary
staring at Facebook, friends blazing ahead
pHd's in fields I didn't even know existed
"Medical Physics" what is that anyway?
Professional cylists
Chasing love in Alaska
Starting a new life in France
an MBA in Korea
I don't want what they have
but I wonder what I should be doing
I know I can do so much more
that I am selling myself short
but I don't know what I want
-to throw myself at--
So many things
none of them worth the effort
just plodding along some median
some safety net
which is called finance
torn between what I enjoy
and what I can do
-Just thinkin'
.... not sure what's next
-----
the game got to easy
there is no challenge anymore
tired of pretty faces
I want something more elusive
than a piece of ass
I want sparkling clarity
a smile -
brought by the way a mind works
-
so many friends
but no one to call
once I ask for what I value
I just need to surround myself
with what I want to be
-----
I like hanging out with gay men
they teach me what it's like to be a woman
It gets old fast
Twenty Five Years old
A quarter of my life is gone
even if I am optimistic
I'm a little old for this
even if it is temporary
staring at Facebook, friends blazing ahead
pHd's in fields I didn't even know existed
"Medical Physics" what is that anyway?
Professional cylists
Chasing love in Alaska
Starting a new life in France
an MBA in Korea
I don't want what they have
but I wonder what I should be doing
I know I can do so much more
that I am selling myself short
but I don't know what I want
-to throw myself at--
So many things
none of them worth the effort
just plodding along some median
some safety net
which is called finance
torn between what I enjoy
and what I can do
-Just thinkin'
.... not sure what's next
-----
the game got to easy
there is no challenge anymore
tired of pretty faces
I want something more elusive
than a piece of ass
I want sparkling clarity
a smile -
brought by the way a mind works
-
so many friends
but no one to call
once I ask for what I value
I just need to surround myself
with what I want to be
-----
I like hanging out with gay men
they teach me what it's like to be a woman
It gets old fast
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
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