Ideas are social

In short, this talk has a simple message. We don't innovate quickly and we don't innovate individually. Ideas usually are born slowly and meticulously and are pulled into the world as we share our ideas (and obstacles) with people who see things differently.

Coffee houses do this to some degree. The salon is the classic example.

My approach to connecting with my closest friends has often been one on one though lunches and happy hours. This can be laborious and I often tend to do all the talking if my friends are even mildly introverted. The flow is one sided and we tend to exhaust our respective capacities for talking and listening. It's making me re-consider my approach.

One of the images he showed (below) was of a raucous dinner around a crowded table. In some ways it reminds me of my time at Governor's School. We would all pile into a single dorm room and spend the night debating, laughing and bouncing our pet theories on life off of each other. A while back I tried to start a small group in my house that was somewhat "spiritually" oriented. I think it was too structured. I did my best to curate a nice crowd of diverse opinions, but I think a free for all approach might have been better. We all come with our own problems and through the natural course of eating and drinking these would all come to light.

There are several organizations in town that do this sort of thing already (drinking liberally, free thought society). Really, any club that has an intellectual bent and shares meals will provide this opportunity. I think it's better for my style of learning/communication, though I will have to plow through the awkward "first dates" as I begin to meet the new faces. This would be a good start.

 I should also try to have at least one large dinner party at my house each month. Especially when when the weather is nice and we can sit around the fire pit and relax in comfort.

I opened the windows and doors for the first time in weeks replacing the stale, humid air with a fresh, and unseasonably warm winter breeze. The copper wind chimes rang like distant church bells in what lingered of a fast moving storm. The gentle raindrops outside splat like drops of pudding on the wet grass. I lay in my warm bed, sandwiched between my corduroy comforter and a soft fleece blanket. On opposite corners of the room two tall Chinese lanterns stand like like glowing monuments enveloping me in warm yellow light. I didn't have anywhere I needed to be nor did I have anywhere in particular I wanted to go. Homemade lasagna anchored me exactly where I was and reminded me I didn't need to leave. Just sit here and listen.    

Status Anxiety

Career or status anxiety?  Main cause – we are surrounded by snobs.  “What do you do?” It’s a four-word sentence designed to sum up the worth of an entire person as quickly as possible. It’s answer will in large part determine whether or not the conversation continues.

Botton argues the appearance of equality (and a society that tells us we can be anything we want) leads us to believe we should be able to obtain what others have – when we don’t, it leads to regret and envy.  This is why we don’t envy the Queen of England but might strongly envy less successful classmates at a 10 year high school reunion – we don’t have the expectation to rise to the level of aristocracy, but the common experience shared with those in our high school does lead us to believe we should meet similar fates.

As we increasingly believe that we live in a meritocracy, we also believe those who have fallen to the bottom rungs of society also earned their place there. Two hundred years ago, the poor were described as “less fortunate.” Today they may be described simply as a “loser.” Fate is no longer determined by the gods or circumstance, but ourselves.  This is difficult when applied to others, but can be fatal when we completely blame ourselves. He argues this is why developed countries have some of the highest suicide rates in the world.

What relief do we have? He argues that while meritocratic ideas should be advocated, we need to drop the pretense that we could ever create (or live in a society) that can factor in all of the accidents and chance of birth and life (for example, genetics or an unfortunate car wreck)

Next, he laments the demise of tragedy (as a form of literature/art). He talks about how these stories were designed to afford the characters a measure of humanity in their failure. He jokingly shares a story of when he shared plot lines with his journalist friends and asked them to come up with potential for headlines – for Othello they came up with, “Love crazed immigrant crazed kills senator’s daughter”.  The contrast between classic tragedy and modern headlines serves to highlight the divide between what has been lost and how quickly we ridicule those who may be deserving of sympathy.  

In short, we need a truer version of success. What does this word really mean? First is that we can’t succeed at everything. Any honest version of success must admit the loss of some other equally worth goal. We don’t define this for ourselves. Success has been externally defined – we let others define what it means to be a “man” or “father,” or what our life will look like and how we will spend our free time.

____________

I can relate to this piece and hit on the main points before (On our own terms & Chance).

I echoed his exact sentiment here - “I should be using my time to become the type of person I really want to be, and not be tempted/influenced by money or prestige.”

Since I generally agree with the basic points he made, I want to think about obstacles to this idea – aspects of our society which make the transition to success on my own terms more problematic. My idea of success is flexibility. I want to wake up when I want. Take a road trip when I want. If this isn’t possible I would at least like to be able to do those things somewhat regularly. Most jobs expect you to be there 9-5, 52 weeks a year with a little vacation and a few holidays.  

Debt is high on that list. It has a way of keeping us bound to the system even we are ready to move beyond it.  By the time many are ready to simplify their lives, most are shackled by car payments, mortgages and student loans. In fact, debt has a way of forcing this lifestyle on many involuntarily. Barring default, many are forced to keep working at jobs that no longer interest them because they need the income to service their debts. I am partially in this camp though I could get out in a year or two with a small sacrifice and a few years more than that without much at al.

Second is the inability to be self-sufficient (if you wish to maintain regular human contact). Sure, if you are willing to buy a trailer and live in the country, life is still quite simple and inexpensive. You can have a small garden, get solar power well water, have a wood stove and wear what you want without worrying about socially isolating yourself. For the most part one is generally unshackled by local building codes and ordinances.  However, if one wishes to live (in a safe part) of a modern city (even a small one), the only option is some steady source of income. All of one’s needs (shelter, power, water, and sadly safety) are external. This is problematic without a rather radical transformation of the existing housing model. Energy costs and maintenance have the potential to usurp actual housing costs in coming years.  A “comfortable life” requires somewhere in the neighborhood of $15,000-$30,000 (depending on location and what one defines as a base) which is an average salary a lot most people. Add in children and life simply isn’t comfortable without a “normal” paying job. I am fortunate in that I bought a modest, inexpensive home a cheap city, got a good rate on my mortgage, and have roommates to help pay my bills. I certainly advocate this course of action for most people, but it is not suitable for strong introverts, people who are married or single parents.

Along these lines, my pet project to redesign starter housing would go a long way towards making it easier to move towards self-sufficiency. There is a strong need for low-cost, nice looking, simple starter homes that are quite energy efficient. They perfected this after WWII (energy costs then didn’t matter very much) and the GI bill made loans easy to obtain. Many of those homes still exist (though the neighborhoods haven’t all fared as well).  Recently there was a boom market in shitty patio homes covered in vinyl siding. These structures will not outlive their mortgages and it breaks my heart to see people sitting on these underwater properties in deteriorating developments and no real sense of community. (Both of these plans highlight the importance of not just building homes, but building community, with common areas and places to walk to encourage neighbors to interact – community gardens, sidewalks, playgrounds, parks)

In short, I think a lot of people want to be free but either lack a path or have already made decisions which keep them (in the short term) from doing that.

I see two ways I could help. One would be to teach business education (to keep future generations from making poor decisions) the second would be to reduce one significant expense (housing). I am only a test away from being able to do the first and could experiment with the later as much as I want on my parent’s farm if I wished.

I was looking for a source of passion – this could certainly be one.

____

Gratitude log:

For generous parents to fall back on and a social safety net that others do not have. Seeing a friend recently fall victim to circumstances (and having them almost spiral out of control) which would have only been a minor obstacle for me really highlighted the importance of my parents.

That I am not subject to the vicissitudes of climate – storms, heat and humidity are just things that might make the walk to my car more difficult, but do not pose a real risk to my safety.

I am thankful for boredom, because it means that I have time to reflect and change. Many people have to work, work, work and I am fortunate to have the opportunity to thoughtfully plan my life in ways that the “busy” often do not. 

Golden rule....

Two simple quotes from Lincoln that summarize the essence of empathy....

"As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master."


"Whenever I hear any one arguing for slavery I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally."

Life is good. I know that, but I often don't know how to enjoy today when it feels like yesterday.

To work on

This is a good list for me to reflect on....

ENTP may show some or all of the following weaknesses in varying degrees:

• The inability to maintain a comfortable situation or relationship once its possibilities have been realized or exhausted. 
• In progress - current job - not sure how to deal with this or if it is even possible to come to terms with this one
• A tendency to consider careful or meticulous thinkers as unworthy plodders or time wasters. 
• This job has helped with this tremendously - people are different, not stupid
• Blindness to the needs and feelings of others not directly involved in the ENTP's current area of interest. 
• GUILTY
• A lack of sensitivity to the feelings and ways of those who might need reassurance, security or commitment. 
• Recently discovered the importance of this
• The inability to deal carefully and calmly with the finer details of a situation or work in progress. 
• Less guilty of this lately- Buddhism has also helped with impatience generally
• Tendency to become overly annoyed by minor setbacks or small things that have to be set right before the goal can be realized. 
• To some degree
• A tendency to be arrogant or boastful, or to demean those who cannot see the same answers. 
• Guilty but working on it
• Can often find themselves in bad situations by too quickly taking a big step forward or by being "too smart for their own good". 
• This has slowed considerably with age and experience. Still guilty though

Keeping Promises to ourselves

Today's talk is about "commitment devices" or tools used when we have a cool head to keep us from making stupid/rash decisions when we don't. He uses the example of Odysseus tying himself to the mast as they transit through the Sirens and their rocky coasts(1). He argued that it is not often that our biggest goals remain out of reach because they are physically unobtainable, but because of our own lack of willpower.

Some common examples: not bringing junk food into the house so you won't eat it, unplugging the internet so you won't be tempted to use it, locking a credit card away with a key (or more creatively in a block of ice).

Some obviously work better than others, and successful devices require good planning. The downside to these devices is that they are a constant reminder of our own pitiful lack of self-control. We can also rationalize them away and come up with very legitimate reasons why we can't do them on a particular occasions (thus diminishing their value).

His emphasis was on the disconnect between our present-selves and future-selves. He took the novel of idea of taking age-progression software and allowing decisions by the user directly effect the emotional state of the age-enhanced photo (by simply making it smile or frown). This gives the user the opportunity to begin to care for this person and makes the imagined at least a little more tangible. I know I am more likely to be charitable when I have a particular person in mind than simply thinking about how cool an idea or institution is.

The Wikipedia article on the topic states " "some game theorists have argued that human emotions and sense of honor are forms of commitment device." There seems to be a fine line here as other research has said that publicly sharing your goals tends to decrease their outcome (as the positive comments from others tend to reduce motivation). We also seem to get some personal pleasure from simply fantasizing about completion of the goals. This research however has not incorporated social networks. My intuition makes me think this is different than casually mentioning it in conversation to strangers or very close friends who will want to encourage us. Social networks have the nice feature of incorporating people who might also be happy to jovially ridicule us if we fail. What social networks do is require us to marry our goals and honor (and also provide negative feedback if we don't live up to them).

It seems like for minor goals, I might want to keep my mouth shut. For those where I really want to succeed (but doubt myself) I should include others. I should also logically only do this when the results would be visible to that network (so they can hold me accountable). It seems this another important aspect. Another study among Chilean entrepreneurs found "that self-help peer groups can be a highly effective alternative commitment device to encourage savings, with participation in a peer group program increasing the number of deposits in formal savings accounts 3.5-fold and almost doubling the average savings balance."

This will be a nice tool to use if I keep up my thirty day challenges. I also found an interesting story of a gentleman who ambitiously gave up all his vices at once. Here is a related story about commitment devices.

Like most things, it seems success depends on careful planning....

____
1 Another blog I read gave the example of Cortes burning his own ships to show there would be no going back after their arrival. 

What I want to know

Day one with the Quakers

Components of Happiness

I have watched a few documentaries, read articles and blogs, soaked up TED talks over the past few weeks and done my best to reflect on experiences which make be more satisfied/happy/content in life. However I tend to lack planning and structure in my efforts to execute on the insights that I might have picked up along the way. One aspect of this resolution to absorb quality content is a realization that I need to take my cognitive enthusiasm and apply it to real life - in the form of action. It is not merely enough to understand - I must do. I also tend to be a little non-linear (unorganized) in my thinking. There are few things as effective as a list of points to help me structure and refine my thinking. I found a website dedicated to the science of happiness and they provided seven clear activities that are common among those who report themselves to be happy. I want to elaborate on each of those as they are a good summary of what I have already learned.

• meaningful relationships
• caring for others
• exercise (aerobic - 3x a week)
• flow (engaging activities that demand our full attention)
• spiritual engagement and meaning
• positive thinking (optimism and gratitude)
• strength and virtues (discover and apply)

With the exception of the last on the list my month-long experiment (or existing resolutions) has already made me address each of these items. I now want write about each one and think of clear ways I can add to these areas.

Meaningful relationships

    This is a cluttered area of my life. I am an extrovert with a wide circle of friends. I spread myself very thin socially, often giving equal attention to strangers and long-time friends. I often neglect relationships that offer the most growth in favor of what is new. One side effect of my thirty day withdrawal from the opposite sex is that I now have a lot more time for the relationships that matter. As part of this year, I wanted to explicitly focus time on these relationships and work on real, meaningful friendships. The kind that are deep and lasting which can withstand the pressures of time and distance - people I can confide in and grow with. I need to sit down and pick at most a dozen people and make regular plans to see them (lunch, dinner, roadtrips, ect). As part of this, I also need to work on listening more. 

    While I do get a lot from my friendships but I don't always give a lot back (outside of being entertaining and sharing my current passion/energy). I need to deliberately invest more in my friends and make it clear that I appreciate them and want to help them however possible. I need to be supporting of helping them achieve whatever dreams/projects they have. 

Action Items: define circle of close friends and invest in them,  make lunch/happy hour/dinner plans at least once per week, work on listening, incorporate them into my travels/adventure 

Caring for Others

    I just mentioned how I can do this with my friends though I can also do this in other areas. Two years ago, I found a great deal of satisfaction from working with the different city agencies to improve our neighborhood. I also found a similar pleasure in helping to bring our community garden to life. I enjoyed teaching the high school class at the UU last year. Since I started working I have almost exclusively devoted my free time to myself (Netflix, reading, gym ect) and hanging out with friends. Admittedly I struggle with what is a good use of my time (and how to really help people) but I should be helping out if for no other reason than to build more human bonds and to feel a little more gratitude. If that isn't enough motivation I could also use this opportunity to help deal with issues (maybe I have a fear of certain people, or practice listening - I could work with my fear or find activities that help me to deal with my own problems). Generally this is an area I need to work on. I am too self-absorbed. 

Action item: find at least one activity/organization to work with every other week. Also find a few neighbors and friends to help out. Make sure to listen when I am with friends.

Exercise

    I have been pretty good about this the past month. My explicit goal is to simply indulge my vanity and get a nice looking body, but after recent reading it is unmistakably clear there are a host of other benefits including: better sleep, better control of ADHD, clearer thought, lower risk of depression and obviously a healthier body and longer life. The cognitive improvements were the most surprising (these only seem to arise from yoga and aerobic activities though, so I will need to focus a little less on lifting to receive the full benefits) and actually take effect over a very long period (benefits began to plateau after 4 months in the studies I saw). My plan is still to drop ~5-10 lb. of fat while increasing my overall weight from 168 to 180. I hoped to do this in 6 months. Going forward I think I will split my time between lifting, running, yoga and aerobic classes at my gym. This will keep it from getting boring, work different muscle groups. The downside is that it might end up taking a lot longer to achieve my desired weight.  

    Once it warms up I can start running outdoors and also begin cycling to work. I also need to start using my lunch break for aerobic activity (which I don't mind doing solo, unlike lifting which the social aspect of the gym seems to encourage). Lastly, I could try to work out with a few friends and tie it in to point #1.

      NEAT (non-exercise activity thermogenesis) is also a very easy way to burn calories. It might be a good thing to do silly activities like resurrect my extinguised bouncy leg habit or chew gum. Over the course of years these small changes make a huge difference. Walking at lunch would also be nice. Biking to work, though often considered exercise would fall under this too.

    I think this section should more appropriately be entitled - take care of your body. Along these lines I will continue my "research" into better sleep, try to wake up earlier, meditate [to reduce stress], avoid alcohol/caffeine [at least with any regularity], and continue to make tweaks to my diet to find what works best (time of day, amount of calories/size of meal [snacks vs. meals], meal composition [protein/carbs/fat], ect)

Action Items: Keep going to gym (classes/lift - aerobic at least 2x/weel), increase weight and define body, workout with friends, bike to work, NEAT activities, get deep sleep, tweak diet [post on this]. 

Flow

    Sadly, I don't have an outlet that gives me this feeling on a regular basis. That is one reason I have been writing so much lately. It has given me a way to devote my full energy and attention to a task. Lately at work, I have been deprived of stimulating activities (though a pending role change will offer a chance for this). Outside of film, I don't have many engrossing hobbies.  I like photography, but have run out of inspiration lately on that front. That could be an issue though, as most of the things I enjoy tend to be warm weather pastimes (cycling, gardening, working on the yard, photography [I like outdoor stuff with natural night]). I haven't thrown pottery in a while. This might be a good seasonal hobby for me to help pass the time in the lonely winter months. It's also a good chance to interact with creative people. Maybe I should consider writing more as I have enjoyed the clarity it brings more and more. I also haven't painted in a while, but this is because I don't have a space that is very inviting or inspiring (I guess I could go to the library or just force myself to do it at the kitchen table and see how it goes). 

    Writing this made me Google "ideas for hobbies,"then "hobbies for ENTPs." Reading the possibilities let me realize I haven't played poker in some time, though I found it to be one of the most engrossing games when I played in college. Maybe I can find a few local pick up games. It was also a good activity for just hanging out with a group of guys which is unfortunately increasingly difficult to do. 

    It was also interesting to see sports listed so many times. It is interesting to compare this idea to the common experience of many athletes who report being "in the zone." Sports do seem like a very good opportunity for completely devoting yourself (both mind and body) to an activity. I know I experience that every time I play flag football. I have always wanted to learn tennis and soccer. There is nothing keeping me from joining a local league. It would also give me a chance to meet other people and having to avoid the monotony of the gym. 

Action Items: Find a poker game, take at least one interesting photo a day, meditate at least once per day (before bed is ideal as it is a good transition to sleep and when I am most often antsy about being alone), continue writing, take my new project/role at work seriously (try to learn rudimentary coding), 

Spiritual Engagement and Meaning
    The interfaith events I have been attending for the past few weeks have been very revealing. They have helped confirm my need to find another community to be a part of. I am growing tired of what I find at the UU (though the people are still wonderful). I also think there is a lot to be learned by simply visiting other religious communities.

• It's an opportunity to feel like a minority. 
• It's an opportunity to be a part of a new community
• It's interesting to see how others go about finding peace (songs, meditation, ect)
• It's interesting to see how people build community (over meals, coffee, sitting silently together

   I particularly liked the Quaker church. Even the building fit my tastes. It was stripped of all pretense. No pictures, no crosses, no fancy lights. Just plain wooden floors, white walls, lots of natural light and and pews all laid out to face each other in concentric squares. They sit silently and listen for "that still small voice within." It couldn't be farther from the indignant political rhetoric I find in the UU. The people are so calm and unagitated. They even sent the nicest, handwritten card after I visited the other day. Even if I don't find "God" I do think they can teach me a lot. It will be a good new home.

TED talks have also been a vital source of information over the pats few weeks

Action Items: Go to the Quaker church at least twice a month, continue to read Quaker materials, continue to write, continue to challenge my belief structure.

Positive Thinking

    Gratitude is an interesting thing. It has the power to turn problems into opportunity when I direct my full thought at what is really going on. I need to apply my powers of seeing the other side (or simply playing devil's advocate) to finding gratitude in emotional distress.

Just last night I was feeling kind of bored and disillusioned about work. I felt a deep lack of purpose. I remembered my challenge to direct gratitude at problems. Then I realized was that boredom meant that I was not facing any real problems in my life and that this is a perfect opportunity to find clarity, to write, to think, and reflect on what might be nagging at my soul if I paid closer attention.

I think writing is good because it forces you to pause and really be honest and deliberate in manner that doesn't always occur when I have a fleeting thought in an elevator or on the walk to my car. I think I should take the time to put these thoughts into words.

Action Items: Attach at least one good thing to every post. I should also try to think of one person in my life each day I am thankful for and send them a card or at a minimum a text.

Strengths
  I am probably best at finding the minority (or at least under-appreciated) perspective in a given situation. Most people call this Devil's advocate. I call it seeing the complexity and nuance in a situation. This is a good thing when I face entrenched power structures as a newcomer with little support (I have learned to keep my head down and lips sealed until I earn respect) but it is a very good tool when I encounter people in states of hopelessness or those who find themselves in a moment of fatalistic thinking over a given situation. 

 Similarly, I am open to new people and new experiences. In fact, I actively seek them both out. This strength too is also a weakness (as it leads to an unhealthy form of restlessness and an inability to be happy once things are comfortable and settled in - read: jobs, relationships, living situation). However, I have come to realize this makes me a very good resource when I meet people who have recently moved to an area. I am generally able to quickly get them integrated into their new area. 

  More concrete things I am good at: finding really good deals, making the most logical purchase (especially when it involves many variables - think technology), helping people determine what values matter to them when they need to make a particular course of action, being a good salesman for ideas I believe in, bringing people together (though I do a poor job of facilitating exchanges between people once I do).
  Virtues, standing up for people if I think they have been treated unfairly. Making sure all points get heard during a discussion. Coming up with easy and simple (though often very inelegant) solutions that result in the desired outcome (I think this is often called quick and dirty).
  I am having trouble thinking of ways I can apply my strengths. This is not good. Hmmm....

Did some reading. Here is what the MBTI folks had to say my strengths are:

• The ability to hold many points of view in mind and see their differing merits.
• Seeing ways to do things others have not thought of.
• Able to give quick and diverse answers to any question of interest.
• Seeing the other side of a situation and making it known.
• Being able to juggle many differing jobs or processes at the one time.
• Easily capable of holding your own in any argument or discussion.
• The ability to quickly find the best or most useful side of others.
• Seeing the many connections between events and things which are not immediately obvious to others.

These all seem difficult to put into action in a practical way. 

More advice:

ENTPs who have developed their Introverted Thinking to the extent that they regularly and carefully interpret the information their Extraverted Intuition brings to them will enjoy these special gifts:

• The ability to solve puzzles and problems that have no obvious way to resolution.
• The ability to define schematically a new structure or design and know it will work.
• Knowing and giving to others the very thing they need when they are not sure themselves.
• A talent for innovative creation in writing, music or the visual arts.
• The gift of knowing which new ideas or changes will enhance rather than detract from their relationships with others

Rhetorical gymnastics

Words shape perception. We all seek "happiness" in one form or another. Many philosophers have said it is the highest end of man. What this word actually means in many ways defines what we seek. I'm regularly asked "are you happy?" As with most important questions, what this actually means is often rarely defined while prescriptions of how to obtain it abound.

Happiness is usually contrasted with sadness and other negative emotions with contentment being some reasonable, attainable middle ground. However, today I saw someone contrast it with pleasure which really reshaped how I see the word. When the continuum is pleasure >happiness>contentment, happiness slowly comes into focus. I think we all expect pleasure to be fleeting, but there seems to be some feeling of selling ourselves short if our goal is "contentment." Realizing that there are much more engrossing, exuberant states of being than happy reminds me that happiness is just a notch above and is also a generally sustainable goal.

Learn how to disagree without being disagreeable  

Choice as distraction

Today's talk is on the paradox of choice. I wrote about the debilitating aspects in my own life some time ago and how it really cramped my decision-making process. He explores this idea explicitly and talks about the negative aspects of choice.

Here is the traditional dogma of choice:

maximize welfare = maximize freedom

more freedom = more choice

more choice = more welfare

The four problems of excessive choice (though 1 and 2 are inextricably linked):

• regret and anticipated regret  
• opportunity costs increase
• escalation of expectations
• self-blame

He does not mean to say that choice is bad, but there is a point of diminishing return, and eventually negative returns....

We have dozens of salad dressings, toothpastes and soap in even the most basic grocery store. He suggests that rather than offering better decisions and more options, we tend to weigh these against any potential purchase we make (thus creating the possibility of future regret). This hypothetical anguish ends up outweighing the potential benefit from any purchase and thus we avoid making it in the first place. Even when we make a good decision, the attractive features (opportunity cost) of other options will always nag at us and detract from the enjoyment of what we chose. 

I know I personally felt the same difficulty when selecting a new cell phone. There is near limitless variety -  OS, camera quality (and front or rear)/flash, storage space, battery life, network carrier and speed, screen type, size and weight. Then factor in price as well as what releases are pending, and what might come in the next six months. It is an incredibly complex optimization of ultility and price - how does one value each aspect? I think companies like Apple have realized this. They have one product (and a few legacy products for sale) at any give time for each product line. This simplifies the decision making process for consumers. It is a good strategy if you don't mind "paying for quality" because you want things that "just work." Even though Apple products often cost twice as much as competing products there is little regret with the purchase as new models are only released (approximately) annually. The lesson: make a good product and don't worry about customizing it too much. K.S.S. (keep it simple stupid)

He also talks about how adding options tends to lead to increased expectations (which lead to eventual disappointment). He relays a story about buying new jeans. There used to be one type of jeans, but now there was a seemingly endless variety - bootcut, straight leg, low rise, different colors, button down, zip up, ect. Even though he left with the best fitting jeans he ever had, he was still disappointed. He attributes this to the fact that because of these options, he expected it to be perfect and if it wasn't, he was the one to blame. When there was only one option, it was the world's fault. However, now that we make the decision, then we feel personally responsibly for the outcome.

He then moves this analysis to the modern world. He talks about how people look wistfully at the past. The reason they do this is because the were offered the possibility of a pleasant surprise. People didn't expect as much. Today, the best we can hope for is to have our expectations me. The cure? He only half jokingly says "low expectations." This clearly has implications for the big decisions we make: marriage, jobs, when we decide to get married, the faith (or lack of) we chose.

Online dating is a good example of the detriment of excessive choice. I think it is a good case study for how product design could potentially make people happier. It makes me think that sites might be better if they went ahead and limited their scope and culled out poor choices (or choices that were out of reach - they could have user rated images so that 10's aren't available to 5's. This could also be done on body types. They could do similar tests to generally asses IQ/verbal reasoning/general education level). People also use the sites for competing purposes (sex, companionship, marriage, curiosity, boredom). If you were required to select a specific purpose, it would preemptively eliminate users who might dangle like candy in front of your face- better yet, the site might eliminate these options altogether. This would increase the signal to noise ratio. It would allow users to focus on what they truly want. I know if I often found myself distracted by girls who excelled in one particular aspect (intelligence, income, attractiveness, warmth, common hobbies/lifestyle) but were in no way a good potential mate. Unfortunately this only made the problem of finding someone I was happy with more difficult. I found myself comparing whoever I was with to the individual who excelled in one area I valued. I ended up trying to seek a made-to-order girlfriend from all of the pieces. Obviously, things don't work like that.

Most interesting (and troublesome) about this talk was his quixotic solution. He attributes choice to excessive wealth (which is true) and his solution is redistribution to poorer nations (who suffer from the opposite problem of too little choice). While I do agree with charity and I  think it would improve their lives, I doubt this was his intention and I doubt it would make ours any better.

What we need (at least in commerce) are better filters, more information and firmer expectations about what we won't accept. Price is a good example. When I search on eBay I do not distract myself (and in some ways do not expose myself) to choices that exceed the amount of money I have allocated for a given purchase. When I shop on Amazon, I immediately filter by 4-star items (this does all three - I can read reviews (information), it is a good proxy for quality, and limits my prospective choices my a large margin). I have rarely regretted any 4-star purchase that was within my price threshold on Amazon (even if I ended up not using it that much).

In everyday life this might extend to where I look for jobs. I am constantly bombarded with emails from a staffing company that places investment professionals all across the country. I see these wonderful job descriptions in places I would never live. These jobs will likely never be available in SC. I want to do the same thing with employment that I do with online dating - piece together a job description, income level and geography into my ideal). I need to limit my exposure to these options that are not a good "potential mates." I am also not qualified for some of these positions (even if I think I would enjoy them). I should not be teasing myself with unrealistic opportunity.

There is also a bit of paradox within this solution. I see two approaches. One is to become rigid and exclusive. Cut this out. Ignore this option. Focus on this or that. The other is the completely opposite approach and not worry about choice at all (so long as my needs are met). To be more accepting. Less critical. Expect less. Default to minimalism. Be grateful. While I think the first is more logical and manageable, my gut tells me it won't make me happy (I will still regret) and the second is where happiness is to be found.

Wherever you go, there you are....

Trust, Friendship and Listening

Today is not based off of any single video as I did a ton of reading. But one particular topic (Trust) did seem like it would hold some insight into what helps relationships become successful. The speaker in the talk below proposed the "Four Horsemen" which spell the end of any relationship. He has some clinical research to backup what he says, but a short list of these common traits are below:

• criticism
• contempt - 
• defensiveness - rather than seeing what the other person is saying
• stonewalling (withdrawing) - not participating in conversation 

In the talk below he talks about the importance of trust.Trust is more than doing what you say, that is simply reliability. It is an emotional state that arises from the perception (or belief) of shared values. It isn't even necessarily deterred by betrayal. We can still trust people who hurt us (while we might not trust someone who has always done what they said, because of something as simple as the way they dress). Trust fades when we start telling ourselves "I can do better. I don't need this." This leads to resentment instead of gratitude and withdrawal rather than investment.I think this lesson is true for conversations and jobs as it is for marriages. In a separate talk he lists three ideas

Obviously, the opposite of pulling away is being available, or attuned to what the other person is saying. Here is an acrostic which highlights the salient aspects of this process:

A - Awareness (pay attention)
T - Turning towards
T - Tolerance (of other viewpoints)
U - Understanding -
N - Nondefensive responses
E - Empathy

He also highlights that the key to good relationships is the ability to repair, the inevitable poor interactions. Interestingly, the ability to repair depends more on the recipient than the delivery or the person. He discovered that this had a lot to do with the quality of the friendship and the understanding of the psychological makeup of the other participant. Next we need to praise the other person rather than highlighting what they do wrong.

This leads me to believe that the best way to speak to people is to build bonds and develop friendship - in short first establish common ground. It lets me know that my oft-practiced habit of diving straight to the heart of a friend of strangers or difference's is not he best approach. I want to measure wits, but this is a useless endeavor without first sharing what I believe.

In general, I think marriage talks (which often a little light on science) might offer some of the best insights into how to improve my relationships with others. There is a much bigger market for salvaging and improving marriage than their is for those interested in "non-violent" communication. I can focus on the higher quality (and more research based talks) and hopefully learn something about human nature along the way.

 

New faiths

I haven't posted much lately, but I have still been learning. This past weekend I participated in a series of interfaith events which brought me my first experiences with Baha'i and Sikism. I also incidentally read about Manicheaism after someone name dropped it in an article. 

Sikhism emerged at the borders of Islam and Hinduism and did a good job of synthesizing the better qualities of each and sought (similar to what MLK Jr. and Ghandi would later do) to reform the broken societies in which they existed. I wrote a while ago about how I saw Jesus as a reformer of a broken system of Judaism more than anything else. The purpose was not the elaborate system of food, prayers or scripture, but simply a desire to love your neighbor as yourself. Martin Luther did the same thing 1500 years later as he broke away from the Catholic church. 

It appears throughout history, that new religions have risen out of a desire to transform local culture and promote the "better angels of our nature." After centuries miracles and other supernatural tales are often added - often added and in a desire to compete with the equally lofty claims of other faiths. Repeatedly, subsequent leaders often add rigid rules about food, clothing and other rituals also seem to emerge - even when the original leaders disavowed the need for these rules. These additional practices seem more like perversions (and misplaced faith and purpose) and are generally unrelated to the central messages of most faiths. I guess that isn't a new revelation, but I was surprised to see the similar patterns elsewhere around the world.

I failed. I had a wonderful chance to listen tonight and all I did was blab and blab. I offered lots of nice ideas but I didn't give the other person a chance to talk freely.

Stop offering advice. Just listen.

A word from the heart to the head

Sent from my Windows Phone

Sent from my Windows Phone

Still listening

“There is a place out beyond the fields of rightdoing and wrongdoing. I will meet you there”

This talk goes along with with my reading of the Righteous Mind, and 12 Steps to a Compassionate Life as well the recent talk on listening. It encourages listeners to take the time to listen to (more specifically share a meal with) "the other" - those who we see as stark moral opposites. We live in sharply divided times and we have allowed our society to be split into different political/ideological teams. We have created walls, and demonized each other when this isn't really necessary or productive. It lends itself to arguing and division. This process of understand others is an exercising in withholding that judgment and seeking common ground. Below are some guideline she lays out.

Groundrules:

• Don’t persuade, defend or interrupt
• Be curious
• Be conversational
• Be real
• Listen

Guidelines

• Share some of your life experiences
• What issues deeply concern you
• What have you always wanted to ask someone from the “other side”

It's also generally good advice for understanding other people. One of my favorite things about the UU Compassion class was that we were required to have lunch with one other person each month. I learned so much from those meetings. We avoided politics and talked about our fears as friends.

Thinking about this makes me want to quit watching the news, to quit reading Facebook. I am just arming myself with talking points for "my team" and find myself getting irritated when people post inflammatory comments. It's not a good platform for building friendships.
In any case, I tend to be too antagonistic and her ground rules are a good start to "domesticate" my speech.

Try something new

A thirty day challenge:

The speaker of this talks about a period where he was feeling in a rut (I can relate) and this seemed like the perfect way to spice his life up. It's also a good way to add things to our lives as 30 days seems to be about the right amount of time to build a new habit (or subtract one for that matter). Two I liked that he mentioned are writing a novel in thirty days or riding to bike every day.  He shares three main benefits:

• Life is more memorable. These challenges mark time very well.
• Increased self-confidence. You begin to believe in your own abilities
• More open to new experiences/challenges. 

It's a very short video (only three minutes), but it does offer a few insights. The first being that small changes can add up to big differences. While some habits can actually become permanent, very difficult ones tend to be simple tests of will. This might mean that smaller challenges might have a larger impact as they are much more likely to alter behavior for years instead of days. It's also a good way to convince myself to do something. I think I often feel the pressure to either give up things forever or not bother. This "test drive" tends to be much easier to accomplish. It reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend last week about fasting. He said he actually went 10 days without food and probably could have gone longer had he promised himself beforehand. HOWEVER had he promised to go much longer, he likely would not have been able to convince himself to start. Now he knows what he is capable of (and is much more likely to try shorter fasts in the future). 

Action Items

• First Challenge: No sex for thirty days. This will start today and appropriately end on Valentines day. I guess this means more time for TED talks! 
• Second Challenge: No alcohol for thirty days. I will start on Valentine's day and end, very appropriately on Saint Patrick's day.
• I will share thoughts on this challenge as time passes. Right now, it seems like a very easy thing to promise, but I know that will change after a couple of weeks. It will be funny to watch myself squirm (and want to rationalize it away) as my own biology reminds me of the importance of this activity. 
• Also think about what areas I would like to change/improve in the coming weeks. There is no reason I can't run concurrent challenges as the two I listed above will actually provide MORE time to do other things. 

Gratitude Log:

• Free time at work (so I can do things like this). I was labeling this as boredom but since I have started using the time effectively, I am pretty happy I have it. 
• A boss that won't let my flaws go unnoticed which has the effect of keeping me in the good graces of others. If I were given to my own devices I would probably come in quite late and not do nearly as much work, but her disapproving glances and watchful eye over my shoulder keep me in line. I need to recognize the benefits of this and thank her for it, rather than being resentful and feeling like I am being micro-managed.
• Not having credit. I recently closed all of my cards to get better rates so I can pay off and eliminate all of the bills. This means I can't lean on them like I would have in the past when bills/expenses periodically exceed income. It has forced me to not run up unnecessary debt without making any significant changes to my lifestyle. It has shown me that I don't really need credit and I should not give myself access to it in the future as it tends to be an unnecessary crutch. It was also nice to have, for the first time in my life, the perspective of not being able to get whatever I wanted. I honestly can't recall a period of my life where money has limited my ability to buy what I want (within reason). 

Listening

This is a very short talk and the speaker offers several, straight forward recommendations on being better listeners...

• Take three minutes for silence (or the quietest place available)
  
• Listening to the different sources of sound in a given area (example - Cars, AC, birds, ect)
• "Savoring" - enjoy mundane sounds  (maybe even some ASMR!)
• Change your "Listening Position" - interesting he says this is the most important but doesn't go into a lot of detail. By this he means to intentionally switch the role you assume in (and purpose of) conversation (for example become empathetic instead of critical). I found one of his older talks where he expands on this idea. One key distinction is "reductive vs. expansive" language. The former seeks to cull out everything that is not important while the later is more open-ended listening. I know I personally tend to do very little of the latter.  
• RASA 
• Receive (pay attention) 
• Appreciate (acknowledge what the other person is saying.)
• Summarize ("So...", "Just to be clear...") 
• Ask Questions 

Two weeks ago I felt as though my mind was building plaque. Even with my resolution to watch these videos, I began to feel as though I wasn't getting information from them. A friend suggested I write about them as well. What that required was listening. I then decided to implement them and target them at areas where I am weak. I then forced myself to go deeper. In a lot of ways I came up with my own version of RASA....

• Be patient. Breathe. Relax. Don't be antsy to go to the next meeting. If you only have five minutes, that is fine, but don't worry about it (or rush) during the period of time you have allotted.
• Drop mental distractions (Don't let other thoughts keep you from focusing... If you decided to spend time to be with someone (or do a particular activity), make sure you are focused on it exclusively. There are always other things to deal with but don't let them ruin the present.).
• Seek to fully understand the speakers message (while withholding judgment - there will be time for this lately). Don't just passively absorb information. Try to clearly and articulately note what the speaker is saying. When I reflect on my time in college, I rarely referenced my notes, but the act of writing down key points was quite important. I think this probably has a lot to do with the limitations of working memory. During a lecture I can quickly glance down, and everything fits back into perspective. When I leave I am usually able to integrate the key points into what I already know about the world and recall it later. 
• Seek common ground - This ties in with the point above about changing ones "listening position" I tend to default to critical, especially in day to day situations. I challenge people's most deeply held beliefs. While this is fine (well, sometimes) it has the effect of separating me from people and their ideas. I need to continue to be active in finding the value when possible.
• Challenge - this is easy for me (though I think less so for other people), since I think conflict usually (if we can avoid getting emotional) usually brings us to a better understanding of each others values.
• Expand on the idea. Keep going with it and take it a few steps further. Draw new conclusions. his also makes me think I should consider doing additional research on the topics I encounter - I might watch several TED talks on similar issues or look for articles by the speaker on the same topic 
• Make the message a part of my life. Integrate what I learn into practice (if possible). It is too easy to sit around and listen but never make any positive changes, which after all, is the purpose.    

Action item: Participate in"exploratory" listening at least once in the next 24 hours. Then write about it.

Here is another interesting article that discusses similar points.

• quiet your inner voice (limit distractions/criticisms)
• argue with yourself (take the opposing side of your initial impression)
• stay curious (or at least pretend to be interested) - write down questions. Google them later
• find the kernel of truth
• focus on the message not the messenger (don't let the speaker put you off)

Peace as a way of life

Decay

Today my friend and I biked around a forgotten little SC town called Winnsboro in Fairfield County, SC (1). The area boomed in the early 1900's when Cotton was a true cash crop. There was a large mill which employed many residents. Most of the employees (who's descendants are now in utter poverty) still live in the homes from that era.

Winnsboro has the skeleton of an early twentieth century town, with a main street, elegant churches, antebellum homes and grid like neighborhoods with tree-lined streets. The town is now mostly black, except for what remains of the "rich" section of town (columned mansions with large lots on a hill a few miles from the mill). In all, little has changed from a hundred years ago (2).   Though even many of the formerly nice houses have fallen into the hands of the "lower" classes. There is something rather sad about seeing a once regal southern mansion in ruins. The worst example I saw was a huge two story brick home with two trailers in the back yard, several cars on blocks, trash all around, and a corner store out front.. It's like seeing a beautiful ex girlfriend as a prostitute. There is something beautiful just wasting away that nags at the soul. The dystopic visions of the future managed to generate a little anxiety and uneasiness within me.

I guess in some ways, my own little project to turn my house into a home is a much smaller version of what I saw in that town. It was just a reminder that progress doesn't always win out, and that generational problems are not solved quickly, if at all. Maybe that's what sent that feeling to my stomach.

There was small inklings of hope though. Main street had a few new stores (even a trendy looking little tea room), the old school was being restored and some guy who was running for mayor said they were trying to turn it into an art college, and there were a few homes that had been nicely renovated or were in the process of being renovated (overall the town had some really fantastic architecture).  

It was also kind of worrisome to see these elderly couples, who are now trapped in these streets of slow decay. No one seemed to be spared. It was just sad looking. The brown leaves and dead grass of winter didn't help much either. It's not that poor people are bad, it's just that poverty tends to make people more desperate and it only takes one or two rotten souls to strike fear and lather dread on the hearts of a small community.

The vacant industrial sites tell the story of the town very well. The old mill has been re-purposed and turned into a tire factory, but there were several other massive buildings in town which were simply falling apart and rusting away - a Mack Truck plant, an auto parts manufacturers (probably collateral damage from the Mack Truck factory closure).  Barbed wire covered these plants - asphalt gave way to  dandelions and wild grasses.

Apparently they were one of the larger employers in the area -- lured by tax subsidies but left as soon as they ran out. I don't blame them, they just wanted to make money. These types of projects just need better planning for the inevitable. In the jubilation over the prospect of a better life (and because of competition with other states) they might not have overlooked the necessary thought needed for an amicable separation.

It seems like this would always be a problem with any town centered around a single, large employer.  I guess that's why big cities can exist for a while. The departure of a single employer is not enough to derail a town as they depend on a variety of industry.  

Though this is one of the central problems I have with industrialization. This is the difference in the old South and a new, modern America. Boom and Bust. These dramatic, but temporary, increases in income that make the resulting return to poverty all the more painful.  It is the story of Detroit and the rest of the rust belt,  of Route 66. of Railroad towns and mill towns. Their fate was married to a single industry or business and when things changed, so did they. It is the story of Salley (with the once iconic Salley Manufacturing Outlet) and all the other textile and furniture manufacturers that peppered North and South Carolina. They are all but forgotten.

Urbanization, industrialization, and specialization all require external capital infusions (via trade or direct investment). The jobs they create result in a larger, longer term supply of housing than is needed. They also support business that depend on the incomes of workers from these mega-employers. When these factories shutter, so do the communities. Foreclosures. Real estate prices fall. Schools wane as their tax bases weaken. The best residents flee.  All for JOBS, JOBS, JOBS. I would argue that these unsustainable "economic development" projects are destabilizing.  This is the reverse of  Trickle-Down economics. If we are to continue these types of projects, we need to ensure that they are unwound in an orderly manner.

As the TED Talk I posted this morning alluded to the difference in idleness and boredom, there is also a difference in not having a job and being "unemployed." A hundred years ago, it only meant you lacked luxuries, but it did not mean you suffered relative to your peers.  Though the "old south" is regularly maligned for being a racist and provincial, it did offer something very valuable - a self-sustaining life. Even as recently as 1950, my dad and his parents lived this life. Though not entirely self-sufficient, it was stable. Barring drought, there wasn't much that was going to disrupt their lives. They had an out house, they grew a lot of their own food, they had a close-nit family. Even without modern medicine, many lived to be in their 80's and 90's. Aunt Pearlu was even over 100. They had a good life.

Unfortunately many of the people living in Winnsboro do not. Sadly they live on small lots of land in small rotting homes. Though it all seems so unnecessary as just a mile or two from town there are thousands of acres of farmland. It just seems so perverse to have people piled on top of each other when they live next to wide open countryside.

In future decades, I hope we can do a much better job of planning these developments so that they don't leave entire towns (and in come cases generations) trapped in decay.

I guess I should also say that while my prognosis for the future is negative/uncertain I did have a good time exploring what was left of it. It certainly imparted me with a fresh reminder of the gratitude I should find in my own comfortable life.

I also have tinge of regret that my peculiar form of tourism did not make more of an impact. All I bought was some fried chicken and a beer while I was in town. 

___

(1) It occured to me that this is probably one of the poorest counties in the state (excluding a few wealthy areas around the nuclear power plants. Ironically I lived in Fairfield County, CT when I worked at Bridgewater. It is one of the richest counties in the US. 

(2) (I met a man who was running for mayor and he said 80% of the children are on free and reduced lunches- 

though they have some of the highest per pupil spending, they also have some of the worst performing schools in 

the state). What will happen to these kids? What will happen to the children of teen moms in these areas? I see no easy way out.

 ______

The Value of Boredom

"Creativity is the residue of wasted time"

It's a refrain we have all heard before: unplug and relax, but even though there might be some value in the statement, like anything that is repeated a hundred times, the underlying utility can be overlooked because of its seeming ordinariness.

The speaker did offer several unique insights though. The most important was that boredom is fundamentally a way of life. What is interesting though is that we are largely able to avoid it with our phones, computers and tablets. My routine was quite similar to the prototypical American she describes. I woke up, checked Facebook, email, and texts. I thought about going to the flea market but there wasn't enough time so I decided my talk of the day would be on boredom. My quest is to avoid it. In the same way that I seek to avoid unpleasant feelings,

Second, and more unique point, was that the word boredom is a modern creation which is inextricably linked to options. She talks about how the word did not enter usage until the latter half of the nineteenth century. Before that point in time, one was simply idle. Boredom is not simply having nothing to do, it is that the sheer availability of options makes the alternative of doing nothing particularly distressing.

I also liked her imagery. She talked about how our devices are like a backpack of small birds all screaming for food, demanding our attention - and that particular moment when the demands on these creatures exceeds our interest/ability/time to care for them. I can relate to that, especially when I am active on an online dating site. It begins to feel like work.

Obviously one underlying theme of Western society is productivity. The idea of "doing nothing" seems completely foreign and approaches the level of nonsense. I know I used to share in that hyper-logical view. Why stop for stillness when I could be learning/helping/earning money or just sleeping.  I think this is particularly true about Meditation. As I watched her video, I began to think that it might in fact be too much for a society that no longer experiences boredom. Her video began to make me think of boredom as a bride to meditation. That instead of a meditation practice, maybe I should first have a boredom practice as preparation for meditation. Weaning myself off might be easier that way.

Getting off your rear

Why climb Everest? Because it is there.....

This talk was a reminder that in the midst of our modern, comfortable lives, we might benefit from seeking a little adversity (In the speaker's case, that involves a multi-week trek across the arctic carrying hundreds of pounds of food and fuel while enduring consistent sub-zero temperatures), he argues that only in these instances do we find real growth and suck the real "juice" of life.


The epic and "claim to fame" nature of his journeys (first person  to walk across Antarctica), makes it seem like it is something to hang his hat on in old age. Though maybe it is just for pragmatic reasons to help generate a little extra income from sponsors, speaking engagements or future book/film rights. Seems like one wouldn't need such titles to motivate a true search for life.


Most interesting was that he says his adventures have laid waste to his relationships and bank account. He described his thirst for adventure as something a crack addict would experience. It's strange though how he says it so freely, as if he has accepted that it is worth the trade. I struggle with the balance. How to maintain a reasonable job with secure income and yet still have the freedom to explore. Education is the only path I have found that will enable that.

In any case, I can relate. I too have a burning ember of restlessness, but my approach has to been to piss on it every time it flares up and dares to become a real fire. I have for years wanted to wake up one morning and just walk for months on end until I feel like I never need to walk again. To leave all of this caged thinking and living behind. I am tired of my hampster like cube and dusty stone box I call a home. Though, at the same time I know all too well how good I have it. How comfortable my life is. Every time I go down this line of thinking, I turn to back to Ecclesiastes (and a little bit of science which suggests exercise, new experiences and good friends all lead to well being).

I know as I sit here in the comfort of a padded desk chair I see my own life wasting away. I need a challenge. I need to start pushing myself more. In 2010, I did a good many things and I certainly felt alive then. I keep telling myself the weather sucks, but honestly, I am just being a whiner. I have wanted to bike to Charleston for the longest time. There is nothing holding me back. I should be taking trips like that at least once a month. I complain about gas money or the cost of eating out, but I am just being lazy. Admittedly, this month was a little tight with Christmas and repairs around the house, but I am just sedating myself by not planning more regular smaller scale adventures.

Plan for the weekend: Leverage my social networks to take advantage of this flash of spring. Take Saturday and put in 30-60 miles on the bike exploring some small town and the rural countryside.

My morality

If you want the truth to stand clear before you, never be for or against. The struggle between "for" and "against" is the mind's worst disease.
--Sent-ts'an

I mentioned The Righteous Mind a good bit recently, and will probably continue to do so, but I have really enjoyed it. It's one of the most transformative texts I have encountered in some time. I think the quote above (which he listed in his presentation) is key. The point is to not make nihilists of us all, but to get us to disengage a tad and to try to understand each other. We live in a sharply divided world which polarizes us into opposing moral teams. This leads to bickering which stands in the way of progress.

Aside from his talk, I also want to focus on his delivery. In my mind, watching him speak has been just as interesting as reading his book. He has an uncanny way of making those who probably disagree with him feel comfortable nodding at the points he raises during his presentation.

I think it is clear by the end of his talk that he favors a more uniform distribution of the his five key values (harm, fairness, loyalty, authority and purity) which puts him much closer to most "conservatives" than liberals. Though, to watch his opening and to see his slides (where is labels most of the red states "dumbfuckistan" one might think he shares in the audience's disdain for Red America. Knowing this it seems as if he purposefully goes undercover to seem like he is part of the "liberal" team. I think this is a wise move. He knows his audience. In the talk he asks who is liberal and almost everyone raises their hand. In order to gain the trust he has to initially get the viewers to think he sees the world in the way they do if he hopes to change their mind. It's a very interesting tactic.



I also took the quiz mentioned in the video at www.yourmorals.org and my results are below in green.

Conservatives value these equally while liberals tend to view fairness and harm more than the last three. Surprisingly, my views exacerbate this trend valuing the first two the most and discounting the last three even more than a typical "liberal".




The good news, at least according to the odd word association test is that I am happy



Apparently I also tend to be a little tough on myself relative to others. It's also telling I see my own suffering as unique. That probably has a lot to do with my upbringing as an only child.



They have dozens of tests, but another surprising test was on relationships. Apparently I have quite high attachment anxiety. Though that isn't much of a surprise either given how past relationships have all ended through distance or infidelity.

Seeing other side - Common Threats can make common ground

I am generally pretty good at  making a list of reasons for why I think something is true or why I (or my friends/co-workers) should take a particular course of action (which is why I like science and economics), but I am often quite poor at getting people to believe it's the right thing to do when it comes to moral and political issues. I used to scratch my head when my litany of responses would pierce their heart as well as wooden arrow shot at a stone wall. I have come to believe this is because I along with other people tend to stick our feet in and "defend what we believe in." - we protect our moral axioms. We all have a very strong aversion to "doing the wrong thing." This is even more apparently when we discuss this with another person in public (ahem, social media).

This is quite easy to illustrate. Most of us share the common principle that stealing is bad. We can formulate many reasons why it would be advantageous (the only negative being lack of social standing or criminal prosecution). However there are many situations we encounter on a daily basis where the probability of being "found out" is almost non-existent (for instance if a cashier fails to ring up an item as she bagged it in a store). Clearly it might be more logical (in this case financially advantageous) to keep quiet. Though we all likely share the value that this is a bad thing and the right thing to do is to point it out. No amount of reasoning will change our conscience. Morals are in large part immune to logic.

In order to do this, we need an emotional twist: enter Les Miserables. Now imagine this customer is living paycheck-to-paycheck, her husband left her and took everything of value, and she has three children. While we might still agree it is "wrong" to not speak up, though I think we might all be more understanding if she were to take this opportunity to claim a financial windfall (though the action is the same). The important part is that our indignation begins to melt away.

In short, like most people, I am not very interested in regularly challenging my morals (though that is slowly changing). If we do, someone must really pluck the strings of our heart.

This mean in order to be effective and relate to others, I have to turn inward and navigate the uncharted waters of "feelings(1)." It takes so much time to really identify what makes me uncomfortable about an issue. I feel like I am at the bottom of the ocean with a flashlight looking for a lost piece of jewelry.

The specific challenge for today (2), involves a small change at the local UU church I attend. I am on the worship committe (which determines the layout of the service) and they want to modify the welcome to explicitly include LGBTQ people.

My initial response was no, why are you doing this!? Why are we favoring a special group when other disadvantaged groups suffer equally large indignities (the mentally ill, the homeless, poor urban minorities, recent immigrants)? Why does sexual preference have any place in the pulpit? This is a social issue, not one related to the spirit (or our seven principles). It seems more like a warning (or litmus test) for anyone who wants to be a member than an invitation to people who will likely already know what they are getting themselves into. Also, why use the politically-charged acronym when the much more accurate and neutral phrase, "sexual preference and gender identity" would suffice? This seems like another case of the UU adopting the political cause de jour (almost always of Democrats), which is something that has always irritated me about our congregation and nationally. To be clear, I think all of these are very valid reasons. HOWEVER....

It took a while to realize what was really bothering me because I didn't see any immediate problem with being welcoming because I have plenty of gay friends and even lived with gay people in the past. I knew I didn't have any personal angst directed homosexuality.Though when I just paused and said each word, I realized I did have a response to the words lesbian and transvestite. It make my neck tense, my fist clench and I didn't like it. When I paused and said each word, I was able to see the mental clash of ideologies. My past experiences with cantankerous lesbians immediately popped up and I realized this had shaped my opinion of  the acronym. It gave me an opportunity to reflect on those moments. I remember a few instances very clearly. I felt like those women in particular had said unnecessarily cruel things and created problems with friends where there had not been any. Their hated of all things male was palpable. Most of the time my experiences with lesbians have felt like power struggles and it was if my moral core was being drug against sandpaper.

What this helped me to realize was that this was my problem. This experience provided an opportunity to see the other side (rather than engaging in self indulgent confirmation bias [Google makes it really easy to get a fat stack of arguments in a hurry]). I read a few blogs to get a little insight. It turns out abuse is quite common in the lesbian community (not saying this is a prerequisite). Add in the all to common narrative of an absent (or just mean/neglectful) father and it's easy to see why this tough-girl persona persists. It doesn't make how I was treated "right", but as in the case of the lady at the grocery store above, it does make it a little easier for me to understand - essentially my initial response of indignation goes away and I can engage my friends in honest discourse.

The point of all of  this is that I realized I have an initial aversion to the words (and the acronym too) and I imagine others might too. In order to convey this I need to relate this point to some of the emotional responses they brought up. The main one was that this group has been ostracized from churches and have been told they are going to hell. I can relate to feeling left out and so can many others who no longer see evangelical churches as a source of positive change.

My underlying goal is to help them remember we are (whether they like it or not) in a very conservative area. As much as they want to reach out, they also need to be cognizant of others who have grown up here. This doesn't mean we need to break with our values. It just means that the gulf between "what we do and say" and "traditional churches" is not so great that someone who is tired with the later (and looking for a new place to call home) also does not feel unwelcome. They need to balance reaching out to one group with the competing values, history and experiences (which will be a life lived in the South) of the other.

The other point they made is that LGBTQ people are social pariahs. I think this also applies to people who are truly trying to find their own path. Most churches (the Quakers being a notable exception) do not tolerate variance in belief. When these differences emerge, debate is not a real option (3). This forces people out of the church and out of the community they were a part of. This is a really lonely place. However, to someone who still holds on to many of their Christian views, the UU is quickly becoming an  uninviting place. There are many who are outright (and disproportionately) hostile to certain segments Christianity (the minister included). It is not hard to imagine that a newcomer (with no friends here) might feel he is not welcome. Add in the unfamiliarity of LGBTQ pride and it might be too big a social gulf. I want to make sure someone who is in that likely situation can feel at home too. I think its important to remember that neither side is wrong, we just have different histories.

The UU is supposed to be a place for people who want to find their own path - I want to make sure it stays that way.

________

Today's TED talk (2) was: Common Threats and Common Ground. It reminded me again that in order to seek change we must seek to see the other side. Another way to do this is to unite around a common threat. I think it is a very valuable less.

_______

(1) On the Myers-Briggs chart I am a very strong T (loosening up a little with age) and it shows.
(2) Lately I have been watching one TED talk per day. There was no particular focus, just clicked until I found something that looked interesting. I want to start selecting videos that help me address a particular challenge I am facing or something that has been weighing on my soul.  It will also force me to identify areas where I would like to improve which means I will be more likely to apply what I learn. I also think I am going to start looking beyond TED. It is a good resource (importantly, with a known level of quality), but given the nearly ceaseless variety of information online, I think it makes more sense to use this time to find videos which tactically address the specific problems I face each day.
(3)The pastor is typically the charismatic leader and the congregation is a representation of his values (this is also a risk at UU churches with permanent members). The ministers attract the types of people who agree with them and those who don't simply leave. It's very self-reinforcing. Definitely not a formula for a dynamic and reflective congregation.