Friday, April 30, 2010

Ride something....

No horse races for me. It's supposed to rain in Louisville tomorrow, so Churchill Downs will be one big muddy mess.

I've still got a hankering for a road trip though. I think I am gonna go to Florida for week. Go see the Keys, visit a friend in Miami, and check out the Everglades. I might stop at a few other places like UF and St.Augustine on the way back depending on time.

Time is running out on my extended vacation and I'm finally starting to sense a little urgency.

BuZzz

I've shaved my head twice in my life. Once when I graduated high school, once when I graduated college. I think I am at a similar point in my life. It's time for a bit of growing up.

Maybe it's the very literal manifestation of the plucking of a few wild hairs on my way towards finding my own little niche in the world. Maybe it's me giving into my own impulsiveness. Maybe it's my desire to shed some vanity. Maybe it's my desire to recreate myself in some small way. Maybe it's just too hot for regular hair in SC. Maybe it's a little of all of these....

Either way... it's gone

Ouch

CAIA Purchase
Merchant: CAIA Association

Order ID: ESGE4FDFDB07
Invoice: 33141
Order Placed: Friday, April 30, 2010 08:08:12 PM PDT

Amount of Transaction: $1300.00
Payment Type: American Express

BILL TO
--------
Justin Young
2600 Kershaw St.
Columbia
SC
29205
USA

ORDER DESCRIPTION:
----------------------------------------
Level I Exam Registration - Early
----------------------------------------

Hmmm....

I saw this one a friends profile...

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."

It's basically a rewording of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I guess my definition of love is pretty close to this. It is a strong love, an enduring love. It is a mother's love. I have the strength part down, I'm just not very good at the rest of it.

Now I just have to decide if I believe in it or not... and if I can find someone strong enough to love me through it all. Someone who can love me even in the midst of my own humanity and for the mistakes I will most certainly make. I like this version though. I don't accept all of it either. I think one should demand his or her own way and sometimes love should be impatient, but other than that. I think it's fair.

Nietzsche talks about two ways of living life. One is through the lens of, what he calls the "slave morality" the other is, logically "master morality." Most of the slave mentality comes from the Judeo–Christian value system. The basic outline can be found in the beatitudes .

I think that's where my version of love and my ex's version of love differed. I leaned more toward a "master" version of love and she leaned more toward a "slave version." I think this distinction also went beyond our views on love and ultimately might have been one of the major differences of opinion.

Expectations

I thought your life would stand still,
frozen like a cicada
while I sorted out mine

was season too much to ask
give the leaves we'd seen time to change their color
and fall to the ground
maybe wait to see them sprout again
and like the groundhog looking for his shadow
I would tell you if it was time for a new spring
or just more winter

but the groundhog does not matter
the earth has tilted
the sun shines again
and I should have listened to the wisdom of Copernicus

Subdued

tan lines,
smoothed over like coffee in creamer
ends up on my chest
in my bed
it's warm, but doesn't burn
like most good things

I did it!


A year ago someone told me I resembled a certain celebrity... When I googled him, all I found were shirtless pictures. I realized then his face might not have been his best asset.

Last December, after talking with a friend about things I'd like to accomplish in life, I decided I'd try to resemble him below the neck too...

I'm not a fan of gratuitous pictures of oneself, but one here and there never hurt anyone... If nothing else, it will give me something to look back on when I am old and gray.



Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Economic Prognostication

I haven't done this in a while, so I will lay out how I think the rest of the economic crisis will unfold... If Greece defaults, it will be an all out shit storm...

The Euro will fall until Greece default, on the assumption that the debt will be monetized and thus print their way out of mistakes. The dollar will rally in the meantime.

Loose monetary policy
low interest rates, but interestingly we have tight credit markets
allows households to refinance debt
corporations can borrow and fuel growth

Problems:
TOO MUCH DEBT, everywhere
looming currency depreciation
Euro breakup

assets rise/reflation/people get out of debt
uncertainty, hampers growth
results in increase in savings rate, hampers growth more, hits discretionary jobs
bankruptcy/high inflation resets everything, start over
rising dollar, higher unemployment
rising stocks, people spend more

questions:
financial commodities
industrial commodities

Music that helped me through it..

yes they are sappy, yes they are cheesy, but there was something therapeutic in each one of them... whether it was holding on possessively, being angry, being confused, grieving or finally letting go... one or two have nothing to do with it at all, but still capture some emotion I was feeling, but couldn't really articulate... one just helped me get my head out of my ass and enjoy life again

Lonely Anywhere - The Everybody Fields

Carolina Liar - I'm not Over

Hello - Schuyler Fisk

Jose Gonzales - Crosses

Jose Gonzales - Heartbeats

Freedom - Danielle Howle


Pony Pony Run Run - Hey You

The Gossip - Heavy Cross (this music video really surprised me)

Live Until I Die - Brandi Carlile

Young Love - Close your eyes

Bob Dylan - you're a big girl now

The Cliks - Cry me a River

PJ Harvey - Down By the Water


Harry Nilsson - One

The Polish Ambassador - Portal Hopping

Santogold - Shove it

Separate Ways - Journey

Things I take for granted.


1034 Pages.

This was not the length of an epic novel, a religious text, or even a schoolbook. It was the exact number of pages in the brake parts book today I saw at the mechanic.

What is more incredible is that with all of the information contained inside, he was still able to find the precice part and price within seconds. I think it's all something we have seen before. The yellow pages for instance. It just baffles my mind that all of this could be done without a computer just a decade or so ago. Tens of thousands of pieces of inventory all thoughtfully organized, indexed, sketched, named, printed and bound.... all for a single distributor. When I think of the thousands of other places that have similar catalogs my mind is baffled. How many people spent their entire careers making these fucking books! Tractor parts, military equipment, sprinkler systems, inground pool supplies, playground equipment. Then I think of the detailed instructions included with each piece of eqiupment, and with each tool that is used to install each piece.



Fucking nuts...

Monday, April 26, 2010

For posterity...

When it all seems put together,
it might feel as if a dream
but the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not quite what they seem.

"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust "
was not spoken of the soul.
our hearts grow weary, our minds will rust
but the grave is not the goal

though still, like drums, our hearts are beating
Funeral marches to the grave
and yet we waste our moments, fleeting
preserving lives we cannot save

Know with time there is no battle
it's victory is guaranteed
Don't be dumb, like driven cattle
be a slave, now freed

Do not labor, do not wait
on things to pass the hour
for your destiny, is not your fate
don't squander inborn power

conquer life by seeking arete
as you have learned to see it
and as you do this every day
maybe you'll help others be it

---
- Longfellow, remixed





Sunday, April 25, 2010

Why it still hurts

I think it's because I still think she might be a better person than me. For the longest time I trusted her more than I trusted myself. I try to only date girls where that is the case. Now that we have spilt, she doesn't seem to have any faith in me as a person. She doesn't trust my judgement. She doesn't want to listen to what I have to say. And the last few times we have spoken, her words cut right at what I worry most about myself. That I am cold, emotionally detached and angry... that I am too selfish for someone else. That I will always be lost in my own head, caught up in my own ideas.

Alone.

But, the fact is I know that it's not true.My problem is that I just get caught up in my own head and lost in a world of ideas. I need someone who can pull me out of it. Yes, I do have a short temper, but I have met plenty of people who can make my anger melt like butter. She used to be able to do that, but because she has this image of me as a bitter, angry person, it seems everything I say makes her mad. It's just that right now I can only share that side of me with people who don't have any expectations for me, people who love me for who I am. I don't have to promise them anything. Even marriage. I know I could walk away, even for years, and if I knocked on their door they would welcome me back. Right now the list is small, it's just my family and the small group of friends I made high school.

I knew her love was contingent on one thing. Promising her I could love her forever. The fact is I don't know if I can. I can only promise I will try. It's not that I didn't want any strings, it's that I didn't want any expectations. I just wanted things to be simple and open. I know I need someone with the patience (and unconditional love) of my mother. I guess for a while I thought she had that and I still struggle with whether I really did something so bad to push her away. I know prior to her snapping at New Year's Eve, it was my fault. I was detached because I felt we were getting ahead of ourselves. I didn't know if I would ever get married and she was already somewhat seriously talking about engagement. Even if it wasn't to me, I knew she wanted to get married within the next few years.

After New Year's however, I made an attempt to really put myself out there, after she asked for it, once I saw she might have actually needed it (as opposed to wanting it). That's why I got so emotional. I expected her to take some time to get to know me. Who I really was, not who she thought I was. I had let her see some of me before, but there was a part of me that I kept guarded. I showed it to her, but she just covered her eyes, stuck her hands in her ears, and said i'm not listening, I don't believe it.

What bothers me more than anything was hurting someone I really cared about when I tried my best to be honest about the risks involved in dating me. I thought she understood what she was getting into. Maybe it just took her a while to realize that's what she had gotten herself into.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Two places, at once

"she is a woman who knows what she needs... you cant provide it"

That's true. She needs someone who is there. Someone who can hang out with her and do things with her. What bothers me is that she's gone from that to convincing herself that I couldn't give her the other things she needs. The emotional closeness, the tenderness, the kindness. I did everything I could to demonstrate that I had this capacity and she just pulled farther and farther away. That's why I got angry. Not because I am an angry person. I just didn't understand why she was doing what she was doing. I couldn't deal with the doublespeak, the dishonesty, the confusion....

odd but true

boogers look like juicy raisins after a bloody nose

Sadly

People make their own realities. They do whatever is convenient for them. Reality is what you want it to be. 
There is no objectiveness in human relationships, at least not for emotional people. 
Rationalization can cover a multitude of mistakes and new love is a good way to make you forget the guilt of your past.



Friday, April 23, 2010

Note

Don't confuse self absorbtion with selfishness...

Ambiguity,

Why do words always seem to get in the way of what we want to say?

I took a college course in Formal Semantics. On the first day the professor talked about the importance of precision in language. He said we all have ideas, and we use language to get the idea in our own heads into someone else's.

Thankfully we have a voice, and a face and a body... for the things we can't articulate.. or that need to remain unspoken.

Maybe that's what's missing...

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Maybe the smiley was right

I just kicked out an 8 mile run after running 4 yesterday afternoon. Not sure where this energy came from, but it's nice to have.




I voted today too. I am pretty sure that asshole Stephen Benjamin is going to win though which really concerns me. He's such a snake in the grass. 


Something feels uneasy

I woke up at 4am and haven't been able to go back to sleep. I feel like some glass houses are about to start cracking.

I went out side and found a smiley face on the ground that some kid drew.


 Maybe that's a good sign.

Seredipity

I ran out of gas today for the second time in as many months. I ended up walking to art history class. On the way there my cousin saw me out of her office window and came down to say hello. Later that day I made a new friend and ended up going to see two art exhibits with her. Then I wandered around campus and remembered what it was like to be a college student again. Free from the burdens of money, responsibility, growing old. It was a beautiful day.

On a side note, I feel bad for the kids who are visiting now to pick a college but will be starting in the hottest parts of August. Talk about a bait and switch.

I then squeezed in some CFA studying for a few hours and then hit the gym. These two activities are probably going to take up an unnecessarily large amount of my time for the next month or two. I guess that's not a bad thing though it does sound rather boring. I need to do it before I start my adventures though. I probably won't want to do it later.

Squats make my ass really sore. Something with such a casual name shouldn't be so painful.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

More fooood

Dinner was good. So was the beer. They are a fun crew. It's been a while since I have hung out with a group of people and enjoyed getting to know all of them rather than an individual.

That was my fifth cup of coffee.

A special treat for birthday guests. 
He passed out in the car on the way home.

We also went out to the Vista where I haven't been in some time. It was interesting to hang out with an older crowd. Rather than feeling like someone to old to be out, I felt like my youth was a valued commodity again. My silliness also found a much more interested audience. 

Saturday, April 17, 2010

measured improvement

Homeworks, a local charitable organization worked on my neighbor's house today. I sent in a violation several months ago and the city cited her for not having her house painted. I expected her nephew who controls her money and is set to inherit the house (i think it may already be in his name) to pay to have it painted. He of course did not and let this organization of volunteers do it for him.

They thought they were painting it for an elderly old lady. I was painting it because it looked like crap (at the same time I am paying a guy to paint my own house). It's interesting how things fall out. Anyway, the yard is clean, the trees are trimmed, the trash is in a big pile out front, and the exterior wood has been painted. Hopefully it will hold up for a while.

I have also perfected my sleeveless shirt tan.


My room mate also moved out today which means it is just me in the house right now. I have to decide if I want to get to more tenants or just hand the house back over to the property management company again. I think that is probably what I am going to do. It will give me the chance to visit Europe, live in NC at the ecovillage and spend a month in NYC with Rob. By the time that is all over it will be time to return to work again. Hopefully the abundance of summer rentals doesn't keep me front renting the house out so easily I might have to manage it myself under individual leases until the fall. That shouldn't be that hard so long as I am in NYC and NC... We shall see....

Tonight I am going out with my friend Cory for his birthday. A group of us are headed to Prosperity, SC to have some 5 course dinner at a German resturant. Then we are all headed downtown for drinks. Should be a fun night.

Last night I went out to dinner with my brother. I'm glad he's there to sort of feel things out for me and give me some honest advice on life. Nieces and nephews are a nice perk too.

Note to self: Wild Wings causes some awful gas.

A day of food, mostly

I finally had an excuse to clean my car so it's all nice and shiny now. My house will soon follow. The poor painter signed up for a lot more than he bargained for, and he's like me when it comes to working. He starts part of it, gets bored, moves on to something else. He had two guys working for him, but I think he's not going to be able to pay them anymore since they have worked several days each. I am pretty sure he won't make anything off of this job. I have a feeling he's working for free from here on out. I felt bad today, so I started helping him with the prep work.

We have been trying to patch up all of the little tiny holes in the masonry. It's annoying work, but it makes a big difference in how well maintained the house appears. That's what all of the speckles are from in the photo below. I was also going to paint the trim a darker color, but I decided to stay with white and just paint the two gables a darker shade of grey/green. It's called porpoise if that's any indication.



Anyway, I went strawberry picking yesterday with a few friends. That took up most of my afternoon. The weather was perfect and the owner was pretty fun to talk with too. A good ole 40 year old southern lady carrying on the legacy of her father. Apparently they are a family of farmers and her brother has farms as far away as Chile. They also have several other "pick your own" farms across the south east.



I also made it to Motor Supply Co. Bistro for the first time. I had  mashed sweet potatoes with sheepshead and some modfied hollandaise sauce. I also had some coconut curry shrimp with a peanut cole slaw. Last was creme brule which is probably the tastiest thing I have ever put in my mouth. It was the best meal I have had in a loooong time. They try to incorporate as many fresh local ingredients as they can into their dishes, and sure enough 3 included strawberries from the farm we had visited earlier in the day.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Thought for the day

You write in wisps of smoke. I write like I am mowing a lawn.

I guess it comes from the fact that I read news and textbooks and you read novels.

Self Medicating, yard work and test prep

I definitely notice a difference in my ability to be absorbed in the activities at hand when I drink coffee. I think it's one reasons I have been so energized on Sundays when I go to church since we always have a few cups together. I actually made some progress on a few fronts over the last few days, so I am willing to give coffee some of the credit.

I have signed up for both the CFA and the CAIA exam. I have the test materials for the CAIA on the way. I ordered what I could find on half.com for cheap and asked the local library to purchase the others. I'll know in a few weeks whether they will or not. I also found out the pass rate was over 75% for the most recent CAIA exam. That's pretty high. Considering I can complete the program in one year, it might be the easiest way to give my career a shot in the arm. It would definitely be much easier to justify my time off if I blame the noncompete,  my desire to travel, and I wrap this up by next summer.

I also got an email back from the person at Earthaven. I am thinking of staying there at some point for a month  or two to learn about earth architecture and natural building methods. It will also be interesting to see what a community off of the grid is like. I  have a lot of interesting offers for free housing this summer and I am not sure which is going to happen. Rob wants me to go to NYC for a month or two. Poppy said I could use her place in Charleston since she's not going to be there. I still have things I want to do in Columbia. I still am considering a balls to the wall European trip too. Decisions, decisions. Thankfully money isn't going to be that big of a deal since I have tons of frequent flyer miles and because most of these are free.


The guys have been working on the house for the last few days and it actually looks a lot better. They did quite a bit of repair to the mortar work and replaced some of the rotten trim. They primed most of the front porch this week. They should start scraping paint and caulking the trim tomorrow. I am curious to see what it looks like when they  start applying color. 


I have been calling around to several local nurseries to find good prices on trees. I have decided what I want to purchase. I am going to get a Chinese Zelcova for the front right side (north facing) of my house since it's only going to provide minimal shade, there is no reason for a big tree. I am going to get a Princeton Elm (they are around the front of the white house) to give some shade to the back (southwest side) of the house. In the long run it should provide quite a bit of shade for both the deck and the roof of the house. They get over 75 ft tall. It should go a long way towards reducing the burden of the AC in the summer and actually making it a comfortable place to live. On the eastern side of the house I am going with an Allee' Elm. It will eventually probably get swallowed up by the two live oaks on either side, but I am going to plant it any way. It will give shade to the other side of the house which is rather bare. It will also divide my yard from that of my neighbor. All three have the same general vase shape which means I can plant them pretty close to my house and they will branch out over the roof without causing problems by brushing up against the house. I hope to have them in the ground in the next week at about the same time the guys will be wrapping up on the house.

Those two improvements, along with the fenced in back yard should make it much easier to rent out. Either way, the house is something I am proud of again. I was really disappointed to see it when I came back last summer. 2 years of neglect took it's toll.

I also planted three loquats across the street, along the city right of way to block out some ugly rental properties and a view of a mostly neglected street. Things will look a lot different around here in a few years.

We had a big meeting yesterday again about public safety in our two neighborhoods. Everyone who has the ability to make a difference was there: Our city council rep led the meeting, we had the narcotics officer, the gang task force leader, the lady who runs the section 8 development, the fire department (they handle commercial inspections), the police chief, the regional lieutenant, and the director of public safety and homeland security. Even parks and recreation brought three staff members to talk about programs they had in place to work with teenagers and kids who are going to have nothing to do this summer. Both neighborhoods were well represented. It's amazing how many people you can meet just by getting involved.

I some ways I feel like I have wasted a lot of time around here, but when I consider I have only been back in my house 7 months, I feel like I have done a great deal in a comparatively short period of tiem. If we could continue the same pace of progress for 5 or 10 years we could make a tremendous difference in the area.

I guess I should spend some time reviewing the goals I set for myself after leaving BW.

1) My largest abstract goal was to "be a part of a community." I've actually done a pretty good job of that with the neighborhood association, but before I leave, I should probably make a concerted effort to do some more door knocking like a did back in September. The people I met turned out to be a lot different than what I expected, and the person I learned the most from turned out to be the complete opposite of what I would have expected.

2) Create a real back yard - pretty much done. I could certainly add a lot more greenery but all of the big pieces are in place.

3) Gain 30 lbs of muscle. I am only halfway (I was 150, and am 165 now) towards the weight goal I set for myself, but I am about 75% of the way to looking how I want to look. I have a feeling I could easily had plenty of weight to my legs without much effort so I am not too concerned about the numbers anymore.

4) Figure out what I want to do with respect to work. It looks like I am going to stick with finance. I am just going to have to put in the work to get the certifications I need in order to get the type of job I want. A job where I am paid to think and not to do. I'm definitely glad I had the chance to get away from it for a while though.

5) Travel and see America: I definitely kicked this one's ass. 12,000 miles. East coast to West. Deserts, Oceans, Mountains, Caverns, Rivers, Craters, Volcanoes and everything in between.

Monday, April 12, 2010

It's come a long way

When I moved back to Columbia, I had several distinct goals to accomplish. One of them was to "have a real back yard." I wanted edible fruit, a nice shaded area in the summer, seasonal color, and visual privacy. I haven't done all that I want to the area, but it's a much more enjoyable piece of land than it was before. I am curious what it will look like in 5 or 10 years once the trees I have planted mature a bit and the shrubbery fills out.

As you can see below, it was a pretty dry, scrubby piece of land. At this point I had already added the two trees you see along the side of the road and tried to add some mulch and landscaping bricks to tidy up the edges of the house. There was also a very big dead oak tree right in the middle of the yard I had to remove. The trampoline was covering the stump. I burned out the stump a year later and now it's pretty much smoothed over.

 I had also finished up most of the front yard as you can see if you follow google earth around front. It was even worse than the back yard. It was just a dry washed out pile of dirt underneath the big live oak. I'll post some updated pics of the front once the house is finished being painted.



View Larger Map

Trimmed up the trees along the property line, added the fence, mulched around the edges, and added some evergreens between me and the neighbors.


Repainted the deck, planted the evergreen shrubs and added a river birch to provide some summer shade for the back deck. There is also a japanese maple just around the corner that you can't see. 




Planted four fruit trees (pear, apple, plum, peach) and trimmed up the existing tree... also fertilized and over seeded the lawn with some fresh centipede


Saturday, April 10, 2010

Menstruating

It was 3am, I was a little drunk, but I still wanted to so some grocery shopping at the 24 hour Kroger just up the street, but it would have to wait. I sat in the parking lot crying like a newborn. It wasn't one of those cries, that's  like a sneeze or a yawn + stretch where your body is trying to give you some momentary release. It was more. Like the difference in a refreshing summer shower and a thunderstorm. 

I couldn't make it stop. I didn't know what to do, so I called all of my friends on the west coast I thought would be awake and then the one's in SC I thought might be. My friend Heather picked up. It was good because I found her in a similar state in 5 points a few weeks ago. Anyway, the battery on my phone died so I decided it was time to dry my eyes.

I slept well. The bags under my eyes were gone. I even had that droopy brow thing I get on my left eye when my face is really relaxed, or after I have sex. I don't know what that means though. Maybe I blew my load.


Thursday, April 08, 2010

It's true

Coffee is a drug. It makes me happy and my head buzz.

Unconditional Love, God and Relationships

People have certain requirements for happiness. Most of the basic ones are already met and we spend most of our adult lives seeking out the last two. For the most part, people don't love themselves and they need something that does. Some try to find this in relationships, but people are imperfect and fickle. We spend our time pleasing them (and not ourselves) and are eventually let down. Alternately, some turn to God who they believe is not (imperfect) and will not (let us down). Another alternative, which few people actually consider is to just love yourself unconditionally. Maybe what we need is a big dose of "radical honesty" and a little self-acceptance. 
------
  I go to the UU where there is a fair amount of Christian bashing which gives me a chance to live out my natural role of solitary iconoclast. Recently, I've also attended quite a few talks about the perils of religious fundamentalism (Islamic as well as Christian [it's interesting that no one really talks about zionists, and I don't think the buddists are much risk here). The Richard Dawkins lecture a few months ago at USC was probably where I started looking a little more closely at the more valuable elements of faith. Why has it existed in the face of a fair amount of scientific fact and why do people cling to it so desperately?
   In because in his book "The God Delusion"  Dawkin's is actually against theism in general, not just fundamentalism. I also have a friend who was a missionary and recently converted to atheism. He's been going through a bit of an existential crisis which made me wonder what he was now missing. This, in the context of my recent breakup have led me to see the true value of God much differently. If you look at God in relation to Maslow's Hierarchy of needs, it's clear why it has such deep value for many. The biggest two are a sense of community (which I am not going to talk about, mainly because it is so obvious) and unconditional love. It's also interesting that God promises to provide all of the basic needs such as food and water and if he doesn't it's for a purpose so we should just suck it up and not worry.
    "Look at the birds of the air. They neither sew nor toil nor gather into barns, but you heavenly Father takes care of them? Are you not more valuable than the sparrows?"
   From a psychological perspective, God promises to provide it all. In our modern society almost everyone has their basic needs met and are really just on a life long quest for the last two.
----
  A friend asked me the other day if I "unconditionally loved myself." My response was a quick "no." She asked why and I explained it was because I knew I was capable of doing bad stuff and I did it on a somewhat regular basis, mainly in situations were I acted impulsively. She gave a simple ying-yang type explanation and basically said you have to love the imperfections along with the parts you do admire. It's something I have heard plenty of times, but coming from her I didn't just dismiss it, I gave it a little more thought.
   Going into a relationship, I think a lot of people are looking for someone to love them unconditionally (in the way that I said I couldn't love myself) and they are hurt when the other person inevitably lets them down. I have seen a lot of girls post the quote "You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing the imperfect person perfectly." Implicit in that statement is that you love the imperfections. What most people are hoping for in relationships is that they will be loved this way. They were clinging to chance that they might actually be accepted, personal failings and all.
   I think breakups are hard for this reason. There is a co-dependency associated with the relationship. Yes there is certainly more than this going on here (companionship, shared interests, ect). But at the heart of it, breakups serve to highlight personal failings and inadequacies. They also make the prospect of unconditional love even more remote.
   What I think is interesting is that after relationships, rather than focusing on giving themselves what they need, which is real love, people just look for it in other people or things. I think if you look at Christianity from this perspective, it's clear that it fills this void, and I think is a major reason for it's appeal (it's also why people are willing to sacrifice so much for it). What it provides, is what no person can.
   It's a story, of God made man, whose omniscience means he knows all of our personal failings (even those that only occur in our mind) and yet he still loves us. Given he's also omnipresent, he's also always there for us in our most vulnerable moments. It's the perfect mate. That's why it's so comforting. (As an aside, I am curious how many "Christian relationships" are held together in this ménage à trois with God, and to what extent does this shared (yet individual) desire to please God keeps them with their mate.) 
    The old adage "You can't love someone else until you love yourself" sort of hints at this. I think a more accurate version would be, you "won't really be happy in a relationship until you love yourself." I mean this in the sense that you won't be free to express yourself or free to disappoint the other person (by doing things you enjoy that they might not like) out of fear of losing that person. A person who has become the source of this love. God's love has similar expectations of behavior attached to it.
   Anyway, since realizing this, I have been working towards loving myself more. Loving myself unconditionally, along the same lines the way God is supposed to love us.

You knew what I meant, right?

For most things in life, I have always expected a sincere "I'm sorry" to be enough to remedy the situation. Yes of course I might still have punishment to face, the person might be mad, and it might take while before things are at ease again, but I generally expect my remorse to repair most of the damage. If I take the time to apologize and the other party is unwilling to listen, I have no problem writing them off as unreasonable or even a dick. They are certainly someone I didn't care to associate with. I've probably written off far too many people in my life because of this tendency.

But, every once in a while I am faced with a situation where "I'm sorry" doesn't fix the situation, and I know the person so well, that the way they respond to my apology is not enough to outweigh the impression I have created of them over the course of our relationship. In these instances I am forced not to look at the other person, but myself. Self doubt. Reflection. Introspection.... About my character, how I deal with other people, and how I view myself.

That's what I have been going through lately.  

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Back on track?

So I shadowed the dentist today, and rather than sparking any real interest in being a DMD, it only served to reaffirm my interest in my previous vocation. It was a very interesting practice. Everything was digital: the xrays, patient records, he even had a little camera that he could use to take macro shots of everyone's teeth. What I soon realized was that all of questions I was asking had to do with the business side of dentistry (and things like quality of life) and very little to do with the day to day practice of fixing teeth. The palette was too small. I needed something bigger to work on. I needed people to push me to do more.

The dentist was a relatively young guy like me, and seem to be very eager to try new things and make as much money as he can with his business. He does root canals, orthodontics, cosmetic dentistry, working on being able to administer anesthesia, purchased lots of high tech equipment, but at the end of the day he's just a high class mason or plumber or electrician. It's a well paying blue collar job. You can do a lot of stuff, but there is only so much creativity you can exercise.

There is also a surprisingly high amount of cost associated with becoming a dentist and owning your own practice. I'd need another year of undergraduate science courses, I'd need to take the DAT, and I'd need to go through dental school and probably one year of associate work. That is a minimum of 6 years of my life and 200,000 of debt (not to mention I could easily make 6yr x 80k = $480k over that period). Then I would need to purchase a practice which would cost nearly 400k (building, equipment, goodwill [basically the book of customers]). The total cost is close to $1M just to have a job that will pay approx 200,000 a year that would limit me to something I am not that interested in. I'd much rather take that time and money and just bust my ass towards doing well in investment management and be a pension fund manager or working in (or owning) an investment consulting firm 10 years from now. I'll work a little more, but I think I will enjoy what I do a lot more once I get to that level. I should call Bob (my old boss at the Retirement System) to see how he is doing and get his take on things.

My biggest problem is that I just haven't had anything I've wanted to put my mind and energy towards lately besides working out, working in the neighborhood, and working on shit with Chris. That being said I guess 2 outta 3 ain't bad. I have a lot of confidence in myself to accomplish the things I want once I can latch on to them, it's just so hard for me to second guess myself.

My course of action now is to study for the CFA and the CAIA. If I continue to piddle around in Columbia I can be 2/3 finished with the CFA and done with the CAIA by next fall. For what I am interested in doing, it would be the equivalent of having an MBA but the total cost will be less than $5k to complete both programs, not to mention it will take a lot less time. I can even work in the mean time if I want. I think it would be cool to audit a few courses at USC and maybe even try to work out an interesting internship. That being said, I don't have to stay in Columbia, it would just be cheap, easy and convenient. I also would have a nice social sphere to keep me entertained. It would probably make more sense to go to a place like Boston or San Francisco (or maybe even Tokyo or London... I'm kind of done with NYC) so I'd have more opportunities to network as well as study at interesting universities.

Anyway, that's the plan for now, but I have a tendency to change them about as frequently as I do my laundry. We shall see...

Talked with a few friends about what to do with my ex. They all seemed to think waiting a few days wasn't a big deal and was probably the best route to take. Give her some time to imagine what it would be like without me. I'll try to write up what I want to say and send it over early next week.

I also went to the river again today. It's getting awfully warm for April.

Monday, April 05, 2010

I thought I was over this...

My ex and I agreed to take a several week break. I thought I was doing a good job of moving along, but apparently not. I just cried my eyes out and buried my face in my comforter tonight. She called/imed/emailed today and I don't know what to say. I don't know if I have anything more to say than I already have.

I started crying after my friend said this to me....


"If  I truly loved someone
and after all you wrote
I would drop alot to be with you"





I guess it's because my sentiments resonated with hers. I felt like I did a lot and it turned out to be useless.

I guess I should first say, I am not mad (or at least I don't want to be nor do I want to be a dick)... but part of me wants to just ignore her and let her go through the thought process of what it would be like if I never spoke to her again. I kind of emotionally smothered her for the last few months and didn't give her a chance to think about that. Part of me even thinks it's the right thing to do, for fairness sake. Though I must say there is something comforting about this song (minus the finality of it all - i just like the justice of it)... but this one is probably closer to reality

I guess I was hurt a lot more than I thought from the whole process. I took blows in a lot of areas I didn't know I even cared about or was sensitive too.

I guess all I want right now is answers. What's going on in her head? What does she want? How does she feel? I don't think there is anything I can do to help her so I don't feel like pulling away is hurting her (like it would have a few months ago). If she wants my friendship, she will eventually have it, but I first want to know who I am being friends and what's going on in her head.

I think I am just going to exercise some self restraint and bite my tongue for a few days. I also need some time to figure out how I feel now that I know she still wants to talk. That's what has been hard for me. I want to base my feelings off of reality, which has been a total mystery since she's as open as a vacuum tube.

Anyway, I have been busy the last few days. I went hiking this past weekend at Table Rock State Park with a group I found on Meetup.com, went to the river on Friday, a concert at NBT on Thursday and went home for easter yesterday. I like how spring comes in waves depending on where you are. Charleston was in bloom last week, Columbia and my parents house are in bloom this week, the mountains will be in bloom in a week or two, and then the mountain peaks after that. If I time in correctly, I might be able to capture an entire month of the earth blooming, just in SC. I should ride the wave north after that.









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    Tomorrow I shadow a dentist in Columbia. I think my interest in the dental route seems to be waning, but who knows. Tomorrow might arouse a newfound interest. I don't remember if I posted this already, but I went to the local tech school to see about a 1 year program in dental assisting. The total cost would only be slightly over $8k and would be finished in 1 year. The pay isn't that great (~$15/hr) but is enough to live on frugally. If i like it, then I'd have to take another year of undergraduate sciences, as well as take the DCAT and then go through dental school. It's a lot of work to go through just to get a high paying job with easy hours.

    I wish our world wasn't so specialized. I'd love to live in a world like Thomas Jefferson's, where a man could explore dozens of trades and become knowledgeable in them all. There is no way to earn a comfortable living without a reasonably high degree of specialization. Renaissance men are useless (besides being entertaining friends) in the modern world... just vestiges of a society that is all grown up.

Thursday, April 01, 2010

This is what family is for...

to shield you from the nonsense and help you enjoy doing your own thing...



Workin' out

So, I decided to download the P90X workout series. I did the first two workouts, and it's surprisingly intense. I think it might actually make a difference. It's definitely working my muscles in a completely different way that traditional lifting.

Went and played poker tonight with the some people from the Young Jewish Professionals group. Finished in the middle, but it was good to be around a group of smart people again. My mind isn't nearly as busy as it was a while back. I feel like it's starting to atrophy.

My psych phd friend also told me she thinks I might have hypomania. Seems plausible. My psychiatrist friend thinks I have ADHD. They both seem reasonable descriptions of my personality. Hypomania seems to cover my bouts of creative obsession  or compulsiveness as well as notions of grandiosity. ADHD seems to cover most of the major problems I have in life: restlessness, inattentiveness, impulsiveness, disorganization, inability to follow through on tasks. I just did some reading about the effects of caffeine on individuals with ADHD which looks to be promising. I'll self medicate with this natural cure for a while and see what happens.