I thought I was over this...

My ex and I agreed to take a several week break. I thought I was doing a good job of moving along, but apparently not. I just cried my eyes out and buried my face in my comforter tonight. She called/imed/emailed today and I don't know what to say. I don't know if I have anything more to say than I already have.

I started crying after my friend said this to me....


"If  I truly loved someone
and after all you wrote
I would drop alot to be with you"




I guess it's because my sentiments resonated with hers. I felt like I did a lot and it turned out to be useless.

I guess I should first say, I am not mad (or at least I don't want to be nor do I want to be a dick)... but part of me wants to just ignore her and let her go through the thought process of what it would be like if I never spoke to her again. I kind of emotionally smothered her for the last few months and didn't give her a chance to think about that. Part of me even thinks it's the right thing to do, for fairness sake. Though I must say there is something comforting about this song (minus the finality of it all - i just like the justice of it)... but this one is probably closer to reality

I guess I was hurt a lot more than I thought from the whole process. I took blows in a lot of areas I didn't know I even cared about or was sensitive too.

I guess all I want right now is answers. What's going on in her head? What does she want? How does she feel? I don't think there is anything I can do to help her so I don't feel like pulling away is hurting her (like it would have a few months ago). If she wants my friendship, she will eventually have it, but I first want to know who I am being friends and what's going on in her head.

I think I am just going to exercise some self restraint and bite my tongue for a few days. I also need some time to figure out how I feel now that I know she still wants to talk. That's what has been hard for me. I want to base my feelings off of reality, which has been a total mystery since she's as open as a vacuum tube.

Anyway, I have been busy the last few days. I went hiking this past weekend at Table Rock State Park with a group I found on Meetup.com, went to the river on Friday, a concert at NBT on Thursday and went home for easter yesterday. I like how spring comes in waves depending on where you are. Charleston was in bloom last week, Columbia and my parents house are in bloom this week, the mountains will be in bloom in a week or two, and then the mountain peaks after that. If I time in correctly, I might be able to capture an entire month of the earth blooming, just in SC. I should ride the wave north after that.

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    Tomorrow I shadow a dentist in Columbia. I think my interest in the dental route seems to be waning, but who knows. Tomorrow might arouse a newfound interest. I don't remember if I posted this already, but I went to the local tech school to see about a 1 year program in dental assisting. The total cost would only be slightly over $8k and would be finished in 1 year. The pay isn't that great (~$15/hr) but is enough to live on frugally. If i like it, then I'd have to take another year of undergraduate sciences, as well as take the DCAT and then go through dental school. It's a lot of work to go through just to get a high paying job with easy hours.

    I wish our world wasn't so specialized. I'd love to live in a world like Thomas Jefferson's, where a man could explore dozens of trades and become knowledgeable in them all. There is no way to earn a comfortable living without a reasonably high degree of specialization. Renaissance men are useless (besides being entertaining friends) in the modern world... just vestiges of a society that is all grown up.