Saturday, December 30, 2017

Closer than I have been

We grow up thinking if we do this or that people will love us: money, muscles, charm, fashion. To some degree this is true. People want to see that a person is capable of accomplishing things. They want to see potential realized. In the context of a relationship there is also some comfort that comes from material security that a mate can provide (my dad strongly encouraged me to get married for this reason). As does the Bible in one of my favorite passages:

Two are better than one,
    because they have a good return for their labor:
If either of them falls down,
    one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
    and has no one to help them up.
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
    But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
    two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

But clearly no one is going to fall in love with a resume. We want personality. We want joy. We want anguish. We want some measure of jealously. We want style. We want vibrato. We want loyalty. We want dedication. We want loyalty. We want grit. We want tenderness. We want passion. At least I want those things. 

I have spent the last 15 years of my life or so preparing myself to be a man that someone would love. I think the lack of validation from my dad, my past failures in relationships (and who they ended up with) have also probably left me with this sense that I am not good enough.. yet. So I have been progressively checking off boxes. Slowly meeting the criteria listed on a job description that my ideal mate might pen 

... and if I work hard over the next 18 months I will be there. I will have a respectable nest egg. I will have a few rental properties. I will have two professional designations. I will be in the best shape of my life. I will be reasonably well traveled. I will have a solid body of professional work that should make be solidly employable. I will hopefully be a little more charming, reflective, focused and ready to start a family. 

Despite working hard for all of this for so long. I don't know if I am ready. If I am truly honest, I don't know if this is what I really want. Perhaps I just wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. 

I still see myself as a wandering vagabond, slowly picking up life lessons and meeting new people as I travel. That's clearly not on my short term agenda and I wonder how I will reconcile my desire for security with my carefree dreams for myself. 

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