self observations...

I feel like I have two faces. A serious one, which is the one I show on here, and a silly one which I show to most people and what I market, if you will, on Facebook.

I think I may have written about this before, but it's interesting how clinging to my last relationship sort of warped who I was. I felt like I was putting myself into a box that would make her happy and even long after the relationship was over, I still changed my public face to something more palatable to her tastes. Anyway, in the last month or two I feel like I have finally gone back to being the mischievous, reasonably clever jester I enjoy being.

For a while I felt like she accepted and understood this side of me, but in retrospect, I wonder if she just put up with it because the other side was worth it.

Either way, I know going forward I don't want to have to work to make my most salient characteristics fit, particularly the ones I enjoy. I also didn't realize how much the people who like me, really like me for this side of me. It seems perverse to please someone who doesn't like me for who I am at the expense of those who really enjoy what I am all about.

----
In other news...

I have also seriously considered being a Unitarian Universalist minister for the past few weeks, given it basically gives me exactly the type of lifestyle I want: constant interaction, a chance to talk/discuss interesting ideas, help people from a philosophical perspective, a very flexible schedule, a chance to run an organization that can affect change in the community I live in, and very open ended subject matter. I think I would actually make a good public face, could help to run a good organization (though working with committees would be tough for me), BUT as much as I would be good at those things, I feel like I don't have the deep and painful life experiences which help you to relate to people.

In some ways I think this IS part of the reason people who like me, do like me, because I have this perpetual optimism (alternately maybe I have been through as many painful things as other people and I am just better at letting them roll off of my back). I am torn because I feel like this could be my greatest asset, but at the same time my biggest weakness as a "minister." I have sympathy but not empathy. I have so much trouble wrapping my head around why other people feel the way they do. I can certainly help them to think a different way, but the emotions that seem to overrun people I just don't really have much familiarity with. Anyway, I was thinking I might be better served, if I were to wait until I was much older and have sort of seen the gamut of human emotions, at which point I would be able to give some very pointed insights, BUT at the same time I do think I have something special to offer right now. I am not sure which would be the best course of action... I think i am going to stick with finance for the near future, but I definitely see a fork down the road.

One thing that makes me angry

I knew each of you
hours upon hours we talked
growing closer
things, circumstances bring us apart
months, years later we meet again
things have changed, but souls have not
but now, walls, retrenchment
like a frightened turtle
hidden inside the shell
but that's only part
the other is the dreams you cling to
fairy tales of happiness
fairy tales of monogamy
I don't like your rules
they just get in the way

Hmmm

I think I have some latent hostility towards women deep down inside.
I'm not sure where it came from. This might take a while to sort
out...

I like this city when I walk it's streets
I like this city when I feel it's heart beat
I like this city when I feel it breathe
I like this city just as soon as I leave
I know it well and I feel it knows me
We go way back, kinda got a history
The lonely nights and the cold dark roads
The summer lights and the way time flows
My life is here, but my spirits gone
Back on the road searching for a home
I like this city when I walk it's streets
I like this city when it's myself I meet




I can settle down and be doin’ just fine
Til I hear an old train rollin’ down the line
Then I hurry straight home and pack
And if I didn’t go, I believe I’d blow my stack
I love you baby, but you gotta understand
When the lord made me
He made a ramblin’ man.

Some folks might say that I’m no good
That I wouldn’t settle down if I could
But when that open road starts to callin’ me
There’s somethin’ o’er the hill that I gotta see
Sometimes it’s hard but you gotta understand
When the lord made me, he made a ramblin’ man

I love to see the towns a-passin’ by
And to ride these rails ’neath god’s blue sky
Let me travel this land from the mountains to the sea
’cause that’s the life I believe he meant for me
And when I’m gone and at my grave you stand
Just say God called home your ramblin’ man.

Changes

I used to be critical and dismiss people before I even met them, and I think I do it a lot less than I used to, but something new has happened recently and I just realized it about five minutes ago. I have started preemptively dismissing people because I assume they will judge me and I just go ahead and make the decision for them that they won't like me. I am not sure if it's more the fact that I don't want to waste my or other people's time or if it's just a defense mechanism so that I don't have to explain myself in such depth to people who might end up still making me feel like crap in the end no matter how reasonable my explanation. Anyway, just something I noticed and wanted to share... I think I am going to try to stop doing it though, whatever the cauase. There is no reason I should be making those decisions for other people, I let them reject me on their own terms. Though at the same time I will probably still be up front about what I think will irritate them the most about me. And who knows, I might be weeding out people who can open my eyes to something new....

Sadly

Fairy tales say I'll always love you, but the truth is I'll always hate you

Abstract, Concrete
The difference in a stranger
you see
the family
you love
and the thousands
I imagine
The difference, in
How I help the world
How you do
I guess I'm not surprised
now I just wonder if you
lost faith in my capacity
just chose what was comfortable
or if you never understood to begin with
-----
On a related, but completely different note, I had a very interesting conversation with a friend today about my "zen" views on the traditionally negative emotions (fear, lonliness, confusion, anger).

And, as I mentioned on an older post, my initial take was to actively change them (think of something else, busy myself with activities, ect). Then I began to just view them as an inevitable part of the human condition to which acceptance was the most satisfying response. Face them in their full intensity and then simply allow them to just fade away - I always have the image of an unclenching fist.

My friend offered a very unique insight. She found beauty in the fact that these feelings were universal - That we all experience them, and that we should take comfort in them, knowing full well others have already crossed these waters, and other still are at sea along with us. Lastly, and I think most insightfully, we should actually SAVOR them because of this fact. They help us to relate to others. They make us a fuller person.

I think there is a lot of truth in that. I felt for a long time I couldn't really empathaize with a lot of people who were sad. Almost as if I was lacking some essential human experience. I just didn't see how they could be down about certain things. Now, I have this little period of my life I can reflect on and share with those I meet. It's almost like I joined some club, and now I can high five everyone I meet who's been there too.

I really like that feeling.

Unfinished Business

Well, I made my trip to NYC and now I am back. I feel like I always return from these journeys a new type of man.

I didn't tell my old girl I was in town this time, but she emailed me over my birthday so I responded, extended an invitation and we ended up sitting down a few days later to talk. I am glad we did, it clarified so much. I didn't sense the uncertainty in her eyes, the warmth I used to know was gone, and she was just another person that I met along life's journey.

As usual, the conversation started out in the concrete. I've learned how to deal with the inevitable period of bullshit introduction and status updates that must precede any emotional conversation we ever have. I just nod my head, share some anecdotes and feign interest in the goings on of our lives. I recognize them as coincidences and would rather talk about what I learned but there is something comforting to her about talking about the concrete reality of the world. And that is exactly the realization I had.

For the longest time I felt two distinct emotions. Primarily that I had hurt someone I really cared about and that someone I believed in had given up on me. Independently either is a difficult life experience, together it was a bit much. Particularly when the one person I would typically go to for moral support was the person in question (which was also another problem). I was alone, and it was scary, but it was good. I had to stare in the mirror for a long time. I was eventually able to see myself and not see what I wanted to be.

To be clear I never cared about dating. That was her idea and that was why I ended it in the first place. I felt like we could never be close until she dealt with a few big things holding her/us back and I had my own reservations I wanted to address that I wasn't going to be able to do in a long distance relationship. It wasn't about changing her, but I felt like if it was going to work, certain things were going to change. If they didn't then I really didn't have a lot of faith that it was going to work in the long term.

Anyway, we were complete opposites. She was introverted, I was extroverted. She lived in the concrete realities of life, I thrived on the abstract and theoretical. I based my decisions on logic and rationality, she was totally emotional. I liked freedom and open ended endeavors, she preferred rules, order and security. It might sound like a recipe for disaster, but and it might have been, but I felt like we really complemented each other on a very profound level. I got her to see beyond her own little circle and she kept me grounded. In some ways I was a little bored with the future I could imagine, but at the same time I felt like a lot of it had to do with trusting the other person and knowing it was going to take me to a better place. At some point, I think she just lost faith in me, or at least began to believe I didn't have her best interests at heart. That proved to be the coup de grace...

eyes and words in harmony
a mind at ease
an ego finally shredded
a soul coming to terms
not bad for three hours

Thought for the day

God is what one chooses to worship - whether that be life, a path or a person

Walking down the pigeon covered streets of a forgotten brownstone
neighborhood I hear children screaming, gleefully. Like a swarm of
bees they weave in and out of their circles of friends, sometimes a
pair, sometimes eight or ten, pollinating each other with smiles. They
are swirling vortexes of little people bundled up in puffy jackets.
Chasing balls that don't bounce
in straight lines, holding hands and interlocking arms as they add to
their herd, some simply hold on to the arm of a friend and just sit
and watch carefully. Reminds me of my own thoughts dancing around.

And in this chaos I can't help remember the order that falls out of it
all. Friendships made and broken, pecking orders defined, first loves.

I stare through the bars keeping them in and can't help but recognize
how much they look like prisoners. As I look over and nod towards a
toothless old man. My smile confirms the mutual amazement we shared
towards this spectacle of unrestrained life. He tells me "they are
fightin' for dey freedom." Yes they are, yes they are.

Then I notice myself, sitting patiently, holding a book, studying,
drinking warm coffee - quiet, calm - wondering how much my own spirit
has been broken into reserved submission over the years.

A few minutes later, I hear whistle blow, they grow quiet, and one
after the other, they all fall into line to return to the classroom.

A few hours later, I find myself in Manhattan. Thousands upon
thousands shuffle down gum covered sidewalks. Little lines of ants,
all dressed in black. They looked like they haven't played in years.

In a few hours, some of them will seek out the lost art of childhood.
Like tranquilized animals they will waddle around dark boxes with loud
noises, but there will be no gleeful screaming. Just the low rhythmic
cadence of recorded sounds. Poor vestiges of what once was.

What happened to recess?

A thought

A minister is a teacher who's subject matter is life...

Yes, this is what UU's do

My motto has always been accept or change (wallowing in self pity is useless). But when it came to negative emotions I felt like acceptance didn't make any sense. I could control my bewildering feelings of loneliness, uncertainty, and fear. Acceptance is reserved for things out of my control, at least that was the way I always looked at it. This article hits at everything I have done to fix those feelings, and suggests the answer is simply realizing that they too are the state of the human condition. Just sit in their presence and embrace them, don't run away.

So, here's to nothing... quite literally

(you might want to start with the 4th paragraph and read the first three at the end... it was a scattered way to start)

I'm just out to find the better part of me...

A year ago, I got on a plane

Time is like a reflection in the water's surface
always there, sometimes rippled
but never really there
just something looking back at us
We mark it in days, weeks, years
which fall like leaves as winter approaches
which blow in the wind
and float downstream with the driftwood
but we live in moments
smaller than seconds
that sit firmly like polished pebbles
on the swift river bottom
looking forward
years seem as far away as the ocean
but every drop will make it there
and so will the leaves
as they pass over pebbles below
mostly unaware

I feel like my brain works better and faster and with more clarity when I am talking with other people. I get so energized and I am not exactly sure why... It doesn't happen when I am simply thinking or writing.

Money can't buy things that don't have prices

I often meet people who spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about ways they can earn a certain amount of money so they can "do what they want in life." (I used to be part of this club.) After college, it was easy to spot people who went to graduate school to avoid making these decisions. I think this is because people confuse their career, "what they do" with what they want to do, as if how they were going to earn their income was the important question. But, I never realized that some of the people who decided to go off and start making money, were simply doing so as a way to put off making decisions about what they want.
In the end, I think people assume they will be able to trade the money they make for what they want, but in reality I think they end up trading their money for things (read: assets) that help them collect more dollar bills. I feel like if they simply took this amount of time and applied it to first, figuring out what they want to do in life, and second, how they can accomplish what they want with what they have, they might find a tad more satisfaction.
Benjamin Franklin said, a man can either increase his means or decrease his wants.... well I think old Benji was a bit short sighted. If a man is clever enough, he can usually find mote than one way to do what he wants with a fraction of the money. I think a man has better chances of cutting his costs than he does of growing his business, it also has the benefit of being a lot easier.

A strange dream

It was a familiar enough setting. I was in my neighbor's yard. But the house was gone, and in it's place was an old bed. It had thick white blankets, but it had been rained on many times. A few old brown, rotting leaves were laying on top. The trees had been thinned so I could look over and see the pond shimmering from the yard. It was twilight and everything seemed a bit mystical. I remember looking at this magnolia tree. It was totally covered in huge golden buds and had a few enormous white flowers. There was also a dog just across the lawn. He was wearing clothes and had skin on his face. He began talking in a human voice. I was really beginning to enjoy it, but a sense of uneasiness came over me. I walked over and talked to my friend who was there. He is a peculiar old man with a long white beard. I guess he sort of looks like a wizard and I began to get the feeling that I was in a bit of a magical world. I wasn't sure if what I was seeing was real or not so I began to make a recording of the flowers with my iPhone. Then I hit replay on the video. But rather than seeing the flowers, I saw a video of myself. Walking in the snow, completely drunk, groping some girl, and in the process I could tell I hurt the feelings of an old friend, whom I almost dated a few years ago. She just left crying, looking at me. I knew something was wrong, so I went to the only logical place I knew to go. The only people I truly trust - My parents. When I walked in, my mom was taking my Dad's blood pressure. I said something to the effect of I need to talk to you guys, I am nervous. Mom mentioned to dad that she would have to take his blood pressure later as the reading was going to be skewed. I think I gave them a hug or sat down and woke up a few moments later in complete darkness.

I would ordinarily have dismissed the dream as some fanciful outcropping of my own subconscious, or had doubts about reality, but I had read some verse earlier in the day about God speaking to us through dreams if we just listen. So, after coming to terms that it was just a dream, I began to reflect on it.

It was startling to see that perspective of myself - an ordinary slovenly drunk. What I took away was a simple message: that even though I may see myself doing one thing, in reality someone may see my actions in a completely different light, it also made me realize that even if I want to view myself as a free spirit I can't really avoid the fact that people are still going to care about me regardless of what I do - that the decisions I make are going to effect the lives of those closet to me.

Synchronicity

So, I I had a few purposes when I went out into the woods. Unfortunately the rain ushered my exit a little more hastily than I would have wanted, but I still accomplished a good bit of what I wanted, and thankfully the largest share was on the most important front - sorting out some basic guiding principles for my life and to that end some fresh views on my faith. Thankfully they intersect.

They are in short order: love others, forgive, be humble, don't worry, have self control, don't judge, be reserved in speech

1 John 4:7-8
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

1 Peter 5:7
Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you.

Matthew 6:34
So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

1 John 4:12-13
No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God lives in us, and his love is perfected in us.By this we know that we abide in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit.

1 Peter 4:11
Whoever speaks must do so as one speaking the very words of God. Whoever serves must do so with the strength God supplies.

Proverbs 18:12
A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only expressing personal opinion.

1 Peter 5:5
..and all of you must clothe yourselves with humility in your dealings with one another

Galatians 5: 22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law

As a follow up to my last post on the subject, I should close with the following lines... I think it is a good summation

Galatians 5:16-18
So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.
---
Yes, I have finally merged my existentialist views with my Christian roots....

The Jefferson Bible

One book I read on my trip was The Jefferson Bible, or The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth as it is formally titled. Jefferson attempted to distill the message of Jesus into the most simple principles of his ministry feeling that had been corrupted by it's handlers. It was an effort to, as he said, separate the "diamonds from the dung." I found it to be very similar to the views I held for myself. A call to eschew riches, notoriety, and temporal passions - to love your neighbor and be humble. To forgive at every opportunity and and repent at every transgression. That God's forgiveness and mercy are unending and so should ours be towards our neighbors. That we should not be caught in the worries of everyday life for we have no ultimate control over its outcome. Interestingly, Jefferson omits the resurrection and many of the other supernatural claims in the gospels which in many ways are central to modern Christianity. I think that I need to consider my own views on these issues more, but the basic framework for how I should conduct my life is intact.
After reading more of the Bible in the following days, the faith I have been looking for, was simply waiting on the pages waiting to be read with fresh eyes. I found the God of Abraham to be generous and reasonable. One who was willing to provide mercy for those who seek him. He is however unwilling to contend with those who have been totally given over to selfish pursuits. I found the calm and loving voice of 1 Peter and 1 John to be exactly what I sought when I began attending the UU - a more liberal, loving faith, free of the dogma of my southern Baptist roots.

Parting words...

Lilies
By: Mary Oliver

I have been thinking
about living
like the lilies
that blow in the fields.

They rise and fall
in the edge of the wind,
and have no shelter
from the tongues of the cattle,

and have no closets or cupboards,
and have no legs.
Still I would like to be
as wonderful

as the old idea.
But if I were a lily
I think I would wait all day
for the green face

of the hummingbird
to touch me.
What I mean is,
could I forget myself

even in those feathery fields?
When Van Gogh
preached to the poor
of course he wanted to save someone--

most of all himself.
He wasn't a lily,
and wandering through the bright fields
only gave him more ideas

it would take his life to solve.
I think I will always be lonely
in this world, where the cattle
graze like a black and white river--

where the vanishing lilies
melt, without protest, on their tongues--
where the hummingbird, whenever there is a fuss,
just rises and floats away.

Other people's words...

"There was a time you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?"

Friction

Psalm 55:12-13
It is not enemies that taunt me- I could bear that;
It is not adversaries who deal insolently with me-
I could hide from them.
But it is you, my equal,
my companion, my familar friend,
with who I kept pleasant company

--------
we talk
tension
apprehension
two magnets, the same pole
two halves, but not whole
we wait
Memories replaced
erased
substituted
diluted

A difficult calculus
what has happened to us

-----

Sadness and madness and anger
are too closely related

The only way out of this is to forgive
and to forgive
and to forgive
and to forgive
and to forgive
and to forgive
and to forgive

SEVENTY TIMES SEVEN

I didn't know I held so much in, I didn't know I had so much on the inside

below the surface
oil, gas, water
sit in caverns
the weight of the world on top
each footstep
pressing deeper, harder
occasionally we prick the surface
like pimples
and fountains flow
spew forth
I am there now
not sure how to cap the well


I am best when I feel pain
disease is simply dis-ease
yes, this is not easy
but I like the work
Feels like I am tending to a garden
plowing the field
making things grow
except the seeds are mysteries
as will be the harvest

tired of dancing

another night
another 24 hours
silly words
playful words
empty words
waiting for clarity
i better find it
in myself
than in strangers

Proverbs 1:22a
“How long, O simple ones, will you love being simple?"