It's a pretty cool feeling planning something out and then making it
happen just like you imagined it
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Film
So, after a few interesting events... my old high school made a short film over interim, i went to a play reading at the UU, and quite possibly the craziest dream I have ever had, the artfulness of film has been on my mind. I promised a friend (who manages a a local art movie house) that I would write up my favorite films... It's also one of the few "hobbies" I have had for more than a season (photography is the only other).
And for this love I must thank the Sundance channel (and for Netflix these days). I first discovered it when was 14 years old. I watched it at my parents house over satellite because we were too far away from anything to get cable (they still are). I had no clue what cinema was. Movies were about making people laugh or seeing shit blow up (or occasionally being scared). But whatever the reason it was entertainment, thinking was not involved. It's funny how things change. The only time I watch those films now are on the big screen, usually around Chirstmas or the forth of July when the blockbusters are released. One, they are useless otherwise, and two, I would be doing a disservice to myself to be that out of touch with popular culture. Any film that grosses a few hundred million is worth seeing, particularly if the reviews aren't terrible (Avatar, Inception, ect...)
In my opinion a great film has to have several key characteristics: Innovative cinematography (Requiem for a Dream), a witty and insightful script (Dinner with Andre/Woody Allen Films), well developed characters (Little Miss Sunshine), take me to a place I haven't been before (Lord of the Rings/Dark Days), and a moving soundtrack (Gladiator). Having a quirky sense of humor or peculiar characters is also fun (You and Me and everyone we know/How's Your News). If a film has even one of these I will watch it, if has two or three of these it will be quite moving. If you combine them all, you have the most moving medium known to man. It is theatre, photography, literature, music and philosophy rolled into one. It's as close to life as art gets. I don't know of a higher art form.
It might be because of my ADD. I can't focus on a book because my own thoughts are pounding in my head louder than the words I am reading. It's not uncommon for me to read an entire page and have no clue what I just recited. Music does have this power to grip me, and photography does to, but not for hours on end. I have only stared one painting my entire life. Film is the only medium that has the power to grip me and maintain my focus...
The first film I fell in love with was the Seventh Seal by Ingmar Bergman and it landed on my face like a block of ice. It's set in the Middle Ages, during plague. It follows a knight who has just returned from some sort of crusade. The film opens with the night sitting on a cold, rocky beach, watching the setting sun. The film is in black and white and the white ball of the sun fades to the pale white face of Death cloaked in a black hooded robe. The knight questions death about chess, and a bit amused, Death (in a calm, bouncy Swedish cadence) agrees to play a game with him. The film follows the knight through the countryside as he seeks to outwit death and then eventually acquiesces he will lose and rather than trying to beat death he just tries to make it happen more slowly, and for the first time in his life, actually enjoys the simple pleasures of life - a sunset and a bowl of wild strawberries and milk. It was visually amazing, emotionally gripping, philosophically challenging and took me to a world I'd never seen before. It was the first time I had ever looked at film as art.
I might write more about this later, but I don't see belaboring each film being useful... BUT... I will say that I really do enjoy Vanilla Sky and I feel like I shouldn't. I know it's cheesy, emotionally gripping (but shallow) pop cinema... yet I still like it. Maybe it's the fact that it has an amazing soundtrack and beautiful women (maybe Penelope Cruz alone is the reason). I would like to know why.
I will also add that as well known as he is, Roger Ebert really is a great critic. I like his reviews and our tastes in film are pretty similar. I also find his writing to be very good. Here is a sample of his work on my aforementioned guilty pleasure.
And for this love I must thank the Sundance channel (and for Netflix these days). I first discovered it when was 14 years old. I watched it at my parents house over satellite because we were too far away from anything to get cable (they still are). I had no clue what cinema was. Movies were about making people laugh or seeing shit blow up (or occasionally being scared). But whatever the reason it was entertainment, thinking was not involved. It's funny how things change. The only time I watch those films now are on the big screen, usually around Chirstmas or the forth of July when the blockbusters are released. One, they are useless otherwise, and two, I would be doing a disservice to myself to be that out of touch with popular culture. Any film that grosses a few hundred million is worth seeing, particularly if the reviews aren't terrible (Avatar, Inception, ect...)
In my opinion a great film has to have several key characteristics: Innovative cinematography (Requiem for a Dream), a witty and insightful script (Dinner with Andre/Woody Allen Films), well developed characters (Little Miss Sunshine), take me to a place I haven't been before (Lord of the Rings/Dark Days), and a moving soundtrack (Gladiator). Having a quirky sense of humor or peculiar characters is also fun (You and Me and everyone we know/How's Your News). If a film has even one of these I will watch it, if has two or three of these it will be quite moving. If you combine them all, you have the most moving medium known to man. It is theatre, photography, literature, music and philosophy rolled into one. It's as close to life as art gets. I don't know of a higher art form.
It might be because of my ADD. I can't focus on a book because my own thoughts are pounding in my head louder than the words I am reading. It's not uncommon for me to read an entire page and have no clue what I just recited. Music does have this power to grip me, and photography does to, but not for hours on end. I have only stared one painting my entire life. Film is the only medium that has the power to grip me and maintain my focus...
The first film I fell in love with was the Seventh Seal by Ingmar Bergman and it landed on my face like a block of ice. It's set in the Middle Ages, during plague. It follows a knight who has just returned from some sort of crusade. The film opens with the night sitting on a cold, rocky beach, watching the setting sun. The film is in black and white and the white ball of the sun fades to the pale white face of Death cloaked in a black hooded robe. The knight questions death about chess, and a bit amused, Death (in a calm, bouncy Swedish cadence) agrees to play a game with him. The film follows the knight through the countryside as he seeks to outwit death and then eventually acquiesces he will lose and rather than trying to beat death he just tries to make it happen more slowly, and for the first time in his life, actually enjoys the simple pleasures of life - a sunset and a bowl of wild strawberries and milk. It was visually amazing, emotionally gripping, philosophically challenging and took me to a world I'd never seen before. It was the first time I had ever looked at film as art.
I might write more about this later, but I don't see belaboring each film being useful... BUT... I will say that I really do enjoy Vanilla Sky and I feel like I shouldn't. I know it's cheesy, emotionally gripping (but shallow) pop cinema... yet I still like it. Maybe it's the fact that it has an amazing soundtrack and beautiful women (maybe Penelope Cruz alone is the reason). I would like to know why.
I will also add that as well known as he is, Roger Ebert really is a great critic. I like his reviews and our tastes in film are pretty similar. I also find his writing to be very good. Here is a sample of his work on my aforementioned guilty pleasure.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Yeah, there is something viscerally painful about hurting someone you never meant to hurt and never having them forgive you... At it's core, it is guilt, regret, and maybe even shame... I hope his book and his open apology set him free regardless of what his mother does....
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Goals for 2011 (and the past 6 months)
Stop using stereotypes when dealing with people, remember we are all
individuals.
Continue the process of shedding engrained views and expectations- live more deliberately.
Total recognition and acceptance of myself - make this public
Set clear goals on a regular basis - both concrete and abstract. Write them out.
Make it a point to develop deeper relationships with those in my life
and express an express appreciation for them on a regular basis
through calls, letters and small thoughtful gifts.
Be more chaste, and stop wasting time chasing things simply to fill my time
Work to be less abrasive with my perpetually iconoclastic views
Go back to work
Be more patient and less judging
Live out my spiritual/philosophical views... Develop them on a regular basis
When negative emotions arise - acknowledge them and reflect on them. Don't ignore them or find ways to busy myself with distractions.
individuals.
Continue the process of shedding engrained views and expectations- live more deliberately.
Total recognition and acceptance of myself - make this public
Set clear goals on a regular basis - both concrete and abstract. Write them out.
Make it a point to develop deeper relationships with those in my life
and express an express appreciation for them on a regular basis
through calls, letters and small thoughtful gifts.
Be more chaste, and stop wasting time chasing things simply to fill my time
Work to be less abrasive with my perpetually iconoclastic views
Go back to work
Be more patient and less judging
Live out my spiritual/philosophical views... Develop them on a regular basis
When negative emotions arise - acknowledge them and reflect on them. Don't ignore them or find ways to busy myself with distractions.
Thursday, January 06, 2011
Hunting
Today I kicked my job search into full gear. The Obamabucks run out in a few weeks, and the carefree existence I have been afforded over the past few years is drawing to a close. I called up the last company that made me a job offer in Portland, Oregon and they still seemed interested. The woman said to me, "oh yeah, you're the one that got away." Though it's comforting to know I could likely get a job again, the reality of making such a big decision is a little unnerving.
Compared to the last time I was in this position I feel as though I have a lot more life experience under my belt and a lot more insight from which I can draw on to make my decision. It's a much more difficult choice this time around for several reasons.
I see the fact that I only have a few more chances to "start over" before I get pigeon-holed into a career (maybe I am being short sighted here). I want to make sure the career I choose does not limit me geographically or with respect to salary and that I will be able to enjoy what I do (this entails growth, a flexible schedule with some travel, some measure of sustained interest in the job and regular interaction with people)
The second is the fact that I see my family's mortality staring me right in the face. In all honesty, this is the first time I have really considered life with out my mom or dad and it's a pretty saddening thought. I feel lost when I consider the possibility and a bit of regret if I were to trade a job for time with them. They really are such a huge safety net and source of comfort, even if I don't directly lean on them. I spoke with them about it and dad sort of hinted that he'd be happier if I was away with a "good job" than here being a wanderer. As an aside, after talking with my dad about marriage and jobs it seems that his overarching priority isn't my happiness or emotional/philosophical/spiritual satisfaction but simply that his little boy is safe and healthy. I guess I can't blame him for that. Maybe I should have a conversation with him about the source of my angst rather than the peripheral issues like this (job, relationship, ect).
I also have a very comfortable life here that doesn't require a lot of money, though I think this sense of security might just be a crutch. I have a nice home I am proud of, friends I can rely on, social outlets I can pour myself into, and clear sense of what I can do to make the area better.
In the end I know I could be making a lot more, though I don't really need it. It just annoys me knowing I'd be working below my "fair market value." Part of me just says take the job, pretend it's an extended vacation in the northwest and live it up. The other part of me says no, don't squander the chance to spend time with your family and lose touch with the life you have created. Part of me says it will be here when you get back, but I know good and well that's not true. Nothing stays the same, especially after years. I'd be starting over. Just like I did when I came back from Connecticut.
Anyway, if you have comments leave them below or shoot me an email - I'm all ears...
Compared to the last time I was in this position I feel as though I have a lot more life experience under my belt and a lot more insight from which I can draw on to make my decision. It's a much more difficult choice this time around for several reasons.
I see the fact that I only have a few more chances to "start over" before I get pigeon-holed into a career (maybe I am being short sighted here). I want to make sure the career I choose does not limit me geographically or with respect to salary and that I will be able to enjoy what I do (this entails growth, a flexible schedule with some travel, some measure of sustained interest in the job and regular interaction with people)
The second is the fact that I see my family's mortality staring me right in the face. In all honesty, this is the first time I have really considered life with out my mom or dad and it's a pretty saddening thought. I feel lost when I consider the possibility and a bit of regret if I were to trade a job for time with them. They really are such a huge safety net and source of comfort, even if I don't directly lean on them. I spoke with them about it and dad sort of hinted that he'd be happier if I was away with a "good job" than here being a wanderer. As an aside, after talking with my dad about marriage and jobs it seems that his overarching priority isn't my happiness or emotional/philosophical/spiritual satisfaction but simply that his little boy is safe and healthy. I guess I can't blame him for that. Maybe I should have a conversation with him about the source of my angst rather than the peripheral issues like this (job, relationship, ect).
I also have a very comfortable life here that doesn't require a lot of money, though I think this sense of security might just be a crutch. I have a nice home I am proud of, friends I can rely on, social outlets I can pour myself into, and clear sense of what I can do to make the area better.
In the end I know I could be making a lot more, though I don't really need it. It just annoys me knowing I'd be working below my "fair market value." Part of me just says take the job, pretend it's an extended vacation in the northwest and live it up. The other part of me says no, don't squander the chance to spend time with your family and lose touch with the life you have created. Part of me says it will be here when you get back, but I know good and well that's not true. Nothing stays the same, especially after years. I'd be starting over. Just like I did when I came back from Connecticut.
Anyway, if you have comments leave them below or shoot me an email - I'm all ears...
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Looking back on 2010
So, I just want to write out my major events/accomplishments for the past year just so I don't feel like it was a total waste, which is what I feel like a good bit of the time. I feel like I could have done 10 times as much.
sorted out my religious views
sorted out my insecurities and dealt with them
-loosened my grip on my image
-Don't care as much about money (started giving it away)
-talked with my dad
-admitted my fears
Made it past a break up (and was honest with someone else about all of it)
Passed Level one of CAIA
took level one of CFA (waiting on results - Hopefully I passed)
Lived in Charleston for a month
Went to Mardi Gras
Went to NYC a few times (and did my last on a shoestring budget just to prove to myself that I could do it with just a few bucks)
Spent a week in Louisville
Went to Miami/Everglades/Key West
Camped out and went off of the grid for a week
Shorter roadtrips to:
-Atlanta
-Auburn
-DC
-Hilton Head
-Ecovillage
started painting again
worked on my photography
ran my first 5k and sprint triathlon
finished USMC mud run
Kayaked ~50 miles down Congaree river
Got in shape (still need to get to goal of 180 lb)
Grew a beard!
Fixed up my house (proud of it now)
worked with neighborhood to make the area better
- community gardens
- litter clean ups
- police enforcement
- Trees! Trees! Trees!
- street sweeping
- New code enforcement officers (got old ones removed)
In retrospect. I feel like I really can accomplish anything once I write it down and make it an explicit objective. I think this is key. When I think about the things I am the proudest of over the past 12 months, it is those for which I put pen to paper (or at least pecked them out on a list on my iphone). It's almost as if I have the power to create my own destiny. The hard part is still trying to figure out what's worth spending time on, but it seems anything is better than just sitting on my ass which seems to be my natural tendency (that or just going out and hanging with friends drinking/dancing/laughing and chasing girls - which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it does, in the end, seem a little hollow).
sorted out my religious views
sorted out my insecurities and dealt with them
-loosened my grip on my image
-Don't care as much about money (started giving it away)
-talked with my dad
-admitted my fears
Made it past a break up (and was honest with someone else about all of it)
Passed Level one of CAIA
took level one of CFA (waiting on results - Hopefully I passed)
Lived in Charleston for a month
Went to Mardi Gras
Went to NYC a few times (and did my last on a shoestring budget just to prove to myself that I could do it with just a few bucks)
Spent a week in Louisville
Went to Miami/Everglades/Key West
Camped out and went off of the grid for a week
Shorter roadtrips to:
-Atlanta
-Auburn
-DC
-Hilton Head
-Ecovillage
started painting again
worked on my photography
ran my first 5k and sprint triathlon
finished USMC mud run
Kayaked ~50 miles down Congaree river
Got in shape (still need to get to goal of 180 lb)
Grew a beard!
Fixed up my house (proud of it now)
worked with neighborhood to make the area better
- community gardens
- litter clean ups
- police enforcement
- Trees! Trees! Trees!
- street sweeping
- New code enforcement officers (got old ones removed)
In retrospect. I feel like I really can accomplish anything once I write it down and make it an explicit objective. I think this is key. When I think about the things I am the proudest of over the past 12 months, it is those for which I put pen to paper (or at least pecked them out on a list on my iphone). It's almost as if I have the power to create my own destiny. The hard part is still trying to figure out what's worth spending time on, but it seems anything is better than just sitting on my ass which seems to be my natural tendency (that or just going out and hanging with friends drinking/dancing/laughing and chasing girls - which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it does, in the end, seem a little hollow).
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
self observations...
I feel like I have two faces. A serious one, which is the one I show on here, and a silly one which I show to most people and what I market, if you will, on Facebook.
I think I may have written about this before, but it's interesting how clinging to my last relationship sort of warped who I was. I felt like I was putting myself into a box that would make her happy and even long after the relationship was over, I still changed my public face to something more palatable to her tastes. Anyway, in the last month or two I feel like I have finally gone back to being the mischievous, reasonably clever jester I enjoy being.
For a while I felt like she accepted and understood this side of me, but in retrospect, I wonder if she just put up with it because the other side was worth it.
Either way, I know going forward I don't want to have to work to make my most salient characteristics fit, particularly the ones I enjoy. I also didn't realize how much the people who like me, really like me for this side of me. It seems perverse to please someone who doesn't like me for who I am at the expense of those who really enjoy what I am all about.
----
In other news...
I have also seriously considered being a Unitarian Universalist minister for the past few weeks, given it basically gives me exactly the type of lifestyle I want: constant interaction, a chance to talk/discuss interesting ideas, help people from a philosophical perspective, a very flexible schedule, a chance to run an organization that can affect change in the community I live in, and very open ended subject matter. I think I would actually make a good public face, could help to run a good organization (though working with committees would be tough for me), BUT as much as I would be good at those things, I feel like I don't have the deep and painful life experiences which help you to relate to people.
In some ways I think this IS part of the reason people who like me, do like me, because I have this perpetual optimism (alternately maybe I have been through as many painful things as other people and I am just better at letting them roll off of my back). I am torn because I feel like this could be my greatest asset, but at the same time my biggest weakness as a "minister." I have sympathy but not empathy. I have so much trouble wrapping my head around why other people feel the way they do. I can certainly help them to think a different way, but the emotions that seem to overrun people I just don't really have much familiarity with. Anyway, I was thinking I might be better served, if I were to wait until I was much older and have sort of seen the gamut of human emotions, at which point I would be able to give some very pointed insights, BUT at the same time I do think I have something special to offer right now. I am not sure which would be the best course of action... I think i am going to stick with finance for the near future, but I definitely see a fork down the road.
I think I may have written about this before, but it's interesting how clinging to my last relationship sort of warped who I was. I felt like I was putting myself into a box that would make her happy and even long after the relationship was over, I still changed my public face to something more palatable to her tastes. Anyway, in the last month or two I feel like I have finally gone back to being the mischievous, reasonably clever jester I enjoy being.
For a while I felt like she accepted and understood this side of me, but in retrospect, I wonder if she just put up with it because the other side was worth it.
Either way, I know going forward I don't want to have to work to make my most salient characteristics fit, particularly the ones I enjoy. I also didn't realize how much the people who like me, really like me for this side of me. It seems perverse to please someone who doesn't like me for who I am at the expense of those who really enjoy what I am all about.
----
In other news...
I have also seriously considered being a Unitarian Universalist minister for the past few weeks, given it basically gives me exactly the type of lifestyle I want: constant interaction, a chance to talk/discuss interesting ideas, help people from a philosophical perspective, a very flexible schedule, a chance to run an organization that can affect change in the community I live in, and very open ended subject matter. I think I would actually make a good public face, could help to run a good organization (though working with committees would be tough for me), BUT as much as I would be good at those things, I feel like I don't have the deep and painful life experiences which help you to relate to people.
In some ways I think this IS part of the reason people who like me, do like me, because I have this perpetual optimism (alternately maybe I have been through as many painful things as other people and I am just better at letting them roll off of my back). I am torn because I feel like this could be my greatest asset, but at the same time my biggest weakness as a "minister." I have sympathy but not empathy. I have so much trouble wrapping my head around why other people feel the way they do. I can certainly help them to think a different way, but the emotions that seem to overrun people I just don't really have much familiarity with. Anyway, I was thinking I might be better served, if I were to wait until I was much older and have sort of seen the gamut of human emotions, at which point I would be able to give some very pointed insights, BUT at the same time I do think I have something special to offer right now. I am not sure which would be the best course of action... I think i am going to stick with finance for the near future, but I definitely see a fork down the road.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
One thing that makes me angry
I knew each of you
hours upon hours we talked
growing closer
things, circumstances bring us apart
months, years later we meet again
things have changed, but souls have not
but now, walls, retrenchment
like a frightened turtle
hidden inside the shell
but that's only part
the other is the dreams you cling to
fairy tales of happiness
fairy tales of monogamy
I don't like your rules
they just get in the way
hours upon hours we talked
growing closer
things, circumstances bring us apart
months, years later we meet again
things have changed, but souls have not
but now, walls, retrenchment
like a frightened turtle
hidden inside the shell
but that's only part
the other is the dreams you cling to
fairy tales of happiness
fairy tales of monogamy
I don't like your rules
they just get in the way
Monday, December 13, 2010
Hmmm
I think I have some latent hostility towards women deep down inside.
I'm not sure where it came from. This might take a while to sort
out...
I'm not sure where it came from. This might take a while to sort
out...
Monday, December 06, 2010
I like this city when I walk it's streets
I like this city when I feel it's heart beat
I like this city when I feel it breathe
I like this city just as soon as I leave
I know it well and I feel it knows me
We go way back, kinda got a history
The lonely nights and the cold dark roads
The summer lights and the way time flows
My life is here, but my spirits gone
Back on the road searching for a home
I like this city when I walk it's streets
I like this city when it's myself I meet
I can settle down and be doin’ just fine
Til I hear an old train rollin’ down the line
Then I hurry straight home and pack
And if I didn’t go, I believe I’d blow my stack
I love you baby, but you gotta understand
When the lord made me
He made a ramblin’ man.
Some folks might say that I’m no good
That I wouldn’t settle down if I could
But when that open road starts to callin’ me
There’s somethin’ o’er the hill that I gotta see
Sometimes it’s hard but you gotta understand
When the lord made me, he made a ramblin’ man
I love to see the towns a-passin’ by
And to ride these rails ’neath god’s blue sky
Let me travel this land from the mountains to the sea
’cause that’s the life I believe he meant for me
And when I’m gone and at my grave you stand
Just say God called home your ramblin’ man.
I like this city when I feel it's heart beat
I like this city when I feel it breathe
I like this city just as soon as I leave
I know it well and I feel it knows me
We go way back, kinda got a history
The lonely nights and the cold dark roads
The summer lights and the way time flows
My life is here, but my spirits gone
Back on the road searching for a home
I like this city when I walk it's streets
I like this city when it's myself I meet
I can settle down and be doin’ just fine
Til I hear an old train rollin’ down the line
Then I hurry straight home and pack
And if I didn’t go, I believe I’d blow my stack
I love you baby, but you gotta understand
When the lord made me
He made a ramblin’ man.
Some folks might say that I’m no good
That I wouldn’t settle down if I could
But when that open road starts to callin’ me
There’s somethin’ o’er the hill that I gotta see
Sometimes it’s hard but you gotta understand
When the lord made me, he made a ramblin’ man
I love to see the towns a-passin’ by
And to ride these rails ’neath god’s blue sky
Let me travel this land from the mountains to the sea
’cause that’s the life I believe he meant for me
And when I’m gone and at my grave you stand
Just say God called home your ramblin’ man.
Changes
I used to be critical and dismiss people before I even met them, and I think I do it a lot less than I used to, but something new has happened recently and I just realized it about five minutes ago. I have started preemptively dismissing people because I assume they will judge me and I just go ahead and make the decision for them that they won't like me. I am not sure if it's more the fact that I don't want to waste my or other people's time or if it's just a defense mechanism so that I don't have to explain myself in such depth to people who might end up still making me feel like crap in the end no matter how reasonable my explanation. Anyway, just something I noticed and wanted to share... I think I am going to try to stop doing it though, whatever the cauase. There is no reason I should be making those decisions for other people, I let them reject me on their own terms. Though at the same time I will probably still be up front about what I think will irritate them the most about me. And who knows, I might be weeding out people who can open my eyes to something new....
Sunday, December 05, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Abstract, Concrete
The difference in a stranger
you see
the family
you love
and the thousands
I imagine
The difference, in
How I help the world
How you do
I guess I'm not surprised
now I just wonder if you
lost faith in my capacity
just chose what was comfortable
or if you never understood to begin with
-----
On a related, but completely different note, I had a very interesting conversation with a friend today about my "zen" views on the traditionally negative emotions (fear, lonliness, confusion, anger).
And, as I mentioned on an older post, my initial take was to actively change them (think of something else, busy myself with activities, ect). Then I began to just view them as an inevitable part of the human condition to which acceptance was the most satisfying response. Face them in their full intensity and then simply allow them to just fade away - I always have the image of an unclenching fist.
My friend offered a very unique insight. She found beauty in the fact that these feelings were universal - That we all experience them, and that we should take comfort in them, knowing full well others have already crossed these waters, and other still are at sea along with us. Lastly, and I think most insightfully, we should actually SAVOR them because of this fact. They help us to relate to others. They make us a fuller person.
I think there is a lot of truth in that. I felt for a long time I couldn't really empathaize with a lot of people who were sad. Almost as if I was lacking some essential human experience. I just didn't see how they could be down about certain things. Now, I have this little period of my life I can reflect on and share with those I meet. It's almost like I joined some club, and now I can high five everyone I meet who's been there too.
I really like that feeling.
The difference in a stranger
you see
the family
you love
and the thousands
I imagine
The difference, in
How I help the world
How you do
I guess I'm not surprised
now I just wonder if you
lost faith in my capacity
just chose what was comfortable
or if you never understood to begin with
-----
On a related, but completely different note, I had a very interesting conversation with a friend today about my "zen" views on the traditionally negative emotions (fear, lonliness, confusion, anger).
And, as I mentioned on an older post, my initial take was to actively change them (think of something else, busy myself with activities, ect). Then I began to just view them as an inevitable part of the human condition to which acceptance was the most satisfying response. Face them in their full intensity and then simply allow them to just fade away - I always have the image of an unclenching fist.
My friend offered a very unique insight. She found beauty in the fact that these feelings were universal - That we all experience them, and that we should take comfort in them, knowing full well others have already crossed these waters, and other still are at sea along with us. Lastly, and I think most insightfully, we should actually SAVOR them because of this fact. They help us to relate to others. They make us a fuller person.
I think there is a lot of truth in that. I felt for a long time I couldn't really empathaize with a lot of people who were sad. Almost as if I was lacking some essential human experience. I just didn't see how they could be down about certain things. Now, I have this little period of my life I can reflect on and share with those I meet. It's almost like I joined some club, and now I can high five everyone I meet who's been there too.
I really like that feeling.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Unfinished Business
Well, I made my trip to NYC and now I am back. I feel like I always return from these journeys a new type of man.
I didn't tell my old girl I was in town this time, but she emailed me over my birthday so I responded, extended an invitation and we ended up sitting down a few days later to talk. I am glad we did, it clarified so much. I didn't sense the uncertainty in her eyes, the warmth I used to know was gone, and she was just another person that I met along life's journey.
As usual, the conversation started out in the concrete. I've learned how to deal with the inevitable period of bullshit introduction and status updates that must precede any emotional conversation we ever have. I just nod my head, share some anecdotes and feign interest in the goings on of our lives. I recognize them as coincidences and would rather talk about what I learned but there is something comforting to her about talking about the concrete reality of the world. And that is exactly the realization I had.
For the longest time I felt two distinct emotions. Primarily that I had hurt someone I really cared about and that someone I believed in had given up on me. Independently either is a difficult life experience, together it was a bit much. Particularly when the one person I would typically go to for moral support was the person in question (which was also another problem). I was alone, and it was scary, but it was good. I had to stare in the mirror for a long time. I was eventually able to see myself and not see what I wanted to be.
To be clear I never cared about dating. That was her idea and that was why I ended it in the first place. I felt like we could never be close until she dealt with a few big things holding her/us back and I had my own reservations I wanted to address that I wasn't going to be able to do in a long distance relationship. It wasn't about changing her, but I felt like if it was going to work, certain things were going to change. If they didn't then I really didn't have a lot of faith that it was going to work in the long term.
Anyway, we were complete opposites. She was introverted, I was extroverted. She lived in the concrete realities of life, I thrived on the abstract and theoretical. I based my decisions on logic and rationality, she was totally emotional. I liked freedom and open ended endeavors, she preferred rules, order and security. It might sound like a recipe for disaster, but and it might have been, but I felt like we really complemented each other on a very profound level. I got her to see beyond her own little circle and she kept me grounded. In some ways I was a little bored with the future I could imagine, but at the same time I felt like a lot of it had to do with trusting the other person and knowing it was going to take me to a better place. At some point, I think she just lost faith in me, or at least began to believe I didn't have her best interests at heart. That proved to be the coup de grace...
I didn't tell my old girl I was in town this time, but she emailed me over my birthday so I responded, extended an invitation and we ended up sitting down a few days later to talk. I am glad we did, it clarified so much. I didn't sense the uncertainty in her eyes, the warmth I used to know was gone, and she was just another person that I met along life's journey.
As usual, the conversation started out in the concrete. I've learned how to deal with the inevitable period of bullshit introduction and status updates that must precede any emotional conversation we ever have. I just nod my head, share some anecdotes and feign interest in the goings on of our lives. I recognize them as coincidences and would rather talk about what I learned but there is something comforting to her about talking about the concrete reality of the world. And that is exactly the realization I had.
For the longest time I felt two distinct emotions. Primarily that I had hurt someone I really cared about and that someone I believed in had given up on me. Independently either is a difficult life experience, together it was a bit much. Particularly when the one person I would typically go to for moral support was the person in question (which was also another problem). I was alone, and it was scary, but it was good. I had to stare in the mirror for a long time. I was eventually able to see myself and not see what I wanted to be.
To be clear I never cared about dating. That was her idea and that was why I ended it in the first place. I felt like we could never be close until she dealt with a few big things holding her/us back and I had my own reservations I wanted to address that I wasn't going to be able to do in a long distance relationship. It wasn't about changing her, but I felt like if it was going to work, certain things were going to change. If they didn't then I really didn't have a lot of faith that it was going to work in the long term.
Anyway, we were complete opposites. She was introverted, I was extroverted. She lived in the concrete realities of life, I thrived on the abstract and theoretical. I based my decisions on logic and rationality, she was totally emotional. I liked freedom and open ended endeavors, she preferred rules, order and security. It might sound like a recipe for disaster, but and it might have been, but I felt like we really complemented each other on a very profound level. I got her to see beyond her own little circle and she kept me grounded. In some ways I was a little bored with the future I could imagine, but at the same time I felt like a lot of it had to do with trusting the other person and knowing it was going to take me to a better place. At some point, I think she just lost faith in me, or at least began to believe I didn't have her best interests at heart. That proved to be the coup de grace...
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Walking down the pigeon covered streets of a forgotten brownstone
neighborhood I hear children screaming, gleefully. Like a swarm of
bees they weave in and out of their circles of friends, sometimes a
pair, sometimes eight or ten, pollinating each other with smiles. They
are swirling vortexes of little people bundled up in puffy jackets.
Chasing balls that don't bounce
in straight lines, holding hands and interlocking arms as they add to
their herd, some simply hold on to the arm of a friend and just sit
and watch carefully. Reminds me of my own thoughts dancing around.
neighborhood I hear children screaming, gleefully. Like a swarm of
bees they weave in and out of their circles of friends, sometimes a
pair, sometimes eight or ten, pollinating each other with smiles. They
are swirling vortexes of little people bundled up in puffy jackets.
Chasing balls that don't bounce
in straight lines, holding hands and interlocking arms as they add to
their herd, some simply hold on to the arm of a friend and just sit
and watch carefully. Reminds me of my own thoughts dancing around.
And in this chaos I can't help remember the order that falls out of it
all. Friendships made and broken, pecking orders defined, first loves.
I stare through the bars keeping them in and can't help but recognize
how much they look like prisoners. As I look over and nod towards a
toothless old man. My smile confirms the mutual amazement we shared
towards this spectacle of unrestrained life. He tells me "they are
fightin' for dey freedom." Yes they are, yes they are.
Then I notice myself, sitting patiently, holding a book, studying,
drinking warm coffee - quiet, calm - wondering how much my own spirit
has been broken into reserved submission over the years.
A few minutes later, I hear whistle blow, they grow quiet, and one
after the other, they all fall into line to return to the classroom.
A few hours later, I find myself in Manhattan. Thousands upon
thousands shuffle down gum covered sidewalks. Little lines of ants,
all dressed in black. They looked like they haven't played in years.
In a few hours, some of them will seek out the lost art of childhood.
Like tranquilized animals they will waddle around dark boxes with loud
noises, but there will be no gleeful screaming. Just the low rhythmic
cadence of recorded sounds. Poor vestiges of what once was.
What happened to recess?
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Thursday, November 04, 2010
Yes, this is what UU's do
My motto has always been accept or change (wallowing in self pity is useless). But when it came to negative emotions I felt like acceptance didn't make any sense. I could control my bewildering feelings of loneliness, uncertainty, and fear. Acceptance is reserved for things out of my control, at least that was the way I always looked at it. This article hits at everything I have done to fix those feelings, and suggests the answer is simply realizing that they too are the state of the human condition. Just sit in their presence and embrace them, don't run away.
So, here's to nothing... quite literally
(you might want to start with the 4th paragraph and read the first three at the end... it was a scattered way to start)
So, here's to nothing... quite literally
(you might want to start with the 4th paragraph and read the first three at the end... it was a scattered way to start)
Wednesday, November 03, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
A year ago, I got on a plane
Time is like a reflection in the water's surface
always there, sometimes rippled
but never really there
just something looking back at us
We mark it in days, weeks, years
which fall like leaves as winter approaches
which blow in the wind
and float downstream with the driftwood
but we live in moments
smaller than seconds
that sit firmly like polished pebbles
on the swift river bottom
looking forward
years seem as far away as the ocean
but every drop will make it there
and so will the leaves
as they pass over pebbles below
mostly unaware
always there, sometimes rippled
but never really there
just something looking back at us
We mark it in days, weeks, years
which fall like leaves as winter approaches
which blow in the wind
and float downstream with the driftwood
but we live in moments
smaller than seconds
that sit firmly like polished pebbles
on the swift river bottom
looking forward
years seem as far away as the ocean
but every drop will make it there
and so will the leaves
as they pass over pebbles below
mostly unaware
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Money can't buy things that don't have prices
I often meet people who spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about ways they can earn a certain amount of money so they can "do what they want in life." (I used to be part of this club.) After college, it was easy to spot people who went to graduate school to avoid making these decisions. I think this is because people confuse their career, "what they do" with what they want to do, as if how they were going to earn their income was the important question. But, I never realized that some of the people who decided to go off and start making money, were simply doing so as a way to put off making decisions about what they want.
In the end, I think people assume they will be able to trade the money they make for what they want, but in reality I think they end up trading their money for things (read: assets) that help them collect more dollar bills. I feel like if they simply took this amount of time and applied it to first, figuring out what they want to do in life, and second, how they can accomplish what they want with what they have, they might find a tad more satisfaction.
Benjamin Franklin said, a man can either increase his means or decrease his wants.... well I think old Benji was a bit short sighted. If a man is clever enough, he can usually find mote than one way to do what he wants with a fraction of the money. I think a man has better chances of cutting his costs than he does of growing his business, it also has the benefit of being a lot easier.
In the end, I think people assume they will be able to trade the money they make for what they want, but in reality I think they end up trading their money for things (read: assets) that help them collect more dollar bills. I feel like if they simply took this amount of time and applied it to first, figuring out what they want to do in life, and second, how they can accomplish what they want with what they have, they might find a tad more satisfaction.
Benjamin Franklin said, a man can either increase his means or decrease his wants.... well I think old Benji was a bit short sighted. If a man is clever enough, he can usually find mote than one way to do what he wants with a fraction of the money. I think a man has better chances of cutting his costs than he does of growing his business, it also has the benefit of being a lot easier.
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