I started working again last Friday

Day one was nice
some familiar, friendly faces
But I can feel the slow creep of monotony
days passing by like a cards in a poker game
the smug satisfaction that comes with your own desk
free pens
fresh coffee
and a nice view
neatly ironed clothes
numbered spot in the parking garage
loathing
that's what I really feel
and fear
that I get sucked in again
it's all so comfortable
so hollow

Home came and went

Homecoming at my parents church
A couple hundred people
mostly familiar faces
People I grew up with
An old home
Fried chicken, biscuits, macaroni and cheese
I used to be so excited
It really was a reunion
The warmth was palpable, and still is
though I know my return would leave me feeling lonely
Distant
I have changed
So little to talk about
Yes, I can still learn much
about living simply
about plants, cooking, the weather, people who's faces I remember
but names I have long forgotten
our lives are so different
rural life, pastoral scenes
Chicken houses, corn fields
the smell of manure on a freshly plowed field
Distant memories
A part of my childhood
No longer
Now, just a man
Who has wandered too far
a runner who ran in one direction
Until he collapsed
home will be where he lies his head
he can see it in his mind, but
as if through a two way mirror
no longer a part of the conversation
time for coffee with a stranger
from last night

I think I will always be silly, childish and have a juvenile sense of
humor. I like to laugh, I like sarcasm, I can be crude and I like
pranks. I am sure my tastes and preferences will change, and my style
of humor will morph, but my general sense of irreverence is unlikely
to fade. I truly believe there are few things that can't be improved
with some measure of playfulness. When this basic tendency is not
valued as a part of my personality I feel somewhat lacking. When I am
not able to express it, I feel hollow. In future relationships I think
it is something I should examine very early on as it is a rather
important trait.

-----

I discovered today that my old girlfriend is getting married. I felt
like it was an inevitability from the moment I discovered the
relationship, so it is certainly not a surprise. Once I found out
about it, my initial reaction was to just call a friend or two have a
few beers and just put that chapter of life behind me. She was
obviously the first person I ever truly loved (at least since Vidthya
five years earlier) and I just took too long to fully express that.
So, there was an obvious sense of loss, not some deep longing, just a
sadness. Almost as if for a deeply loved pet that passed away years
earlier. Just a soft remembrance.

So, I stopped what I was doing and took an hour to go lay in the grass
and just focus on it intently and meditate on it. I will write up more
of my thoughts later. Stepping away from it for several months was
helpful though. I can tell I look at it more realistically. It offered
a good moment of reflection about human relationships, what really
matters, where I can grow and what I might want to work on in the
future. The sentences above were one roundabout realization it
spurred.

More scrap lumber projects - freshly stained

I built a few birdhouses too, but they aren't anything special.
I am enjoying this. It's pretty fun and the tangible benefits of my
labor are nice too.

Here is a link to my backyard projects post, which contains several other project ideas:
http://justinyoung.blogspot.com/2012/04/more-free-stuff-for-patio.html


Here is the area from a different angle
http://justinyoung.blogspot.com/2012/03/projects-are-good.html

Here is a list of my favorite ideas from my Pinterest Page.
http://pinterest.com/iamjustinyoung/around-the-house/

More scrap wood projects

Here is the second of my raised vegetable beds (seeds should be
sprouting in a few more days) along with a freshly painted bench I
made for
my back deck... I think I am going to make a few birdhouses next

Seeing people as people

I guess this started a while back during a conversation I had with my friend Pat about the prejudices we hold against others based on qualities we don't like (whether it be homosexual lifestyles, race, age, ect) and how it keeps us from seeing things as they really are. She said something to the effect of "They are human just like you and that's what matters. Whatever differences are there are trivial when you look at the beating heart beneath their skin - the fears, the hopes and the dreams - almost everyone shares these basic emotions and that is what ties use together." A week or two later I was reading a passage in the book 12 Steps to a Compassionate Life about empathy. It mentioned how we often hold grudges against others and end up, rather obviously harming ourselves more. What it suggested was to imagine that person - to get inside their head. To realize that just like you, they want to be happy, and that they deserve it. Just reminding myself of that on a daily basis has helped tremendously when dealing with disappointments from others. That was a good start, but it still didn't begin to help me to realize that I carry quite a bit of preconceived notions about lots of different types of people (some might be accurate, but it doesn't do me any good to dismiss them because of it - I often change who I am in response to it).

It kind of bothers me that it took drugs to actually apply those new insights, but I guess I should thank Tylenol PM anyway and just be grateful. A few weeks ago I was driving home (probably shouldn't have been after Tylenol PM) but through the mental fog I saw a group of black guys from the local black college walking across the street. Rather than scoffing that they were blocking traffic (which is what I would have done) I actually noticed that they were laughing and smiling and looked really, really happy. I saw them as healthy, strong people. It was subtle, but it was entirely different than any way I had seem them in the past. I know had I had I seen some strong athletic white guy in front of me I would have felt some mix of admiration/envy. I usually don't get these feelings towards black people. I think this is for two reasons - one I have been so blinded that I don't even recognize basic good, desirable qualities in other people (deep seated racism) or that I know that I know I have no desire to be a black person in American society (though it's certainly possible that both are true). If either is the case I shouldn't be happy with the situation.

I guess I just wanted to write this down, because I have been rather amazed at how quickly posting on here translates to a real change in my life. Even if only a few people read it, there is something very cathartic and therapeutic about saying it "out loud."  I guess I want to examine my own potential prejudices more closely. I should probably sit down with Tom and Judy Turnipseed sometime soon as I know they both went through similar transformations (from working with George Wallace to working to fight for black homeless people here in Columbia.). I am sure they have much to reveal.

Shedding hypocrisy

I guess I should have prefaced my last few posts with a recent revelation. I noticed that many of my stated values (frugality (not eating out, shopping at thrift stores, dumpster diving), environmental friendliness, my desire to live very lightly (this includes things like growing some of my own food and traveling by bike) were often compromised in the face of social situations which call for different behavior (and tacit agreement with a much different way of life). One I verbalized this on the way to class one day, I began to be much more critical about the things I did with others and in the way my own lifestyle was at the whim of the desires of others. There is a famous passage by Thoreau at the beginning of Walden "I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion" Well, I have been thinking quite deliberately for some time, but it is clear my life has not reflected this in all aspects. The point is that I spend far too much time thinking (and often value the idea over anything else) more than I actually value the practice. I want to live as honestly and deliberately as possible.

More free stuff for the patio

Carpentry requires a level of patience and planning I don't have. That
was clear to me as I through this make shift adirondack chair together
from some old pallets. I was kind of amused at how easy it was to just
engineer little solutions for my imperfections and unevenness. One leg
shorter than the other? No problem, just chop one down or screw a
piece of wood to the other. Is this board loose? No problem, just add
a brace on the back. I think I made about for tweaks that any
carpenter would have laughed at, but the chair is sturdy and should
last until the wood begins to rot away. I do think I might benefit
from actually planning out a real project though. One where I have to
take my time, make proper measurements, make sure everything is level,
and where rushing through would defeat the purpose and ruin the final
product.

I am also happy with how I have been able to continually find new,
free ideas for making this project come together.

Commuter ready

I want to use this guy for 80% of my daily driving... It's finally
outfitted with lights, compartments, baskets and other things to help
make regular tasks (like grocery shopping) easier and safe. Glad I am
finally doing this. It's the smart thing to do.

Projects are good

It's very satisfying to be able to point at something and say yes, I did that.

This one was humble but effective. It's exactly what I wanted - a cozy
outdoor space to spend time with friends over a drink or fire.

Next up is the koi pond.

More lines in the sand

I need to think about establishing personal boundaries. Though I am critical and expect a lot of from women I am with, I do tend to be very forgiving - to the point that I will put up with almost anything if someone apologizes to me. I really am like a doormat at times. I need to learn how to balance what I think is acceptable behavior and my desire to not hold grudges. I need to learn how to distance myself from unproductive relationships - those that will be a waste of time and offer little opportunity for growth. 

re:Waking up with the sun

I could get used to this - a quiet freshing walk.... a cool morning breeze, almost like mountain air.... a warm cup of coffee... birds chirping... golden light everywhere... a big swing all to myself in the park.

I would certainly trade this for the late nights I spend staring at my laptop. I also feel it makes much more sense for when I go back to work. Most people (myself included) wake up and go straight to work and the time they have for themselves is at the end of the day when they are stressed and exhausted. Their employers get their best hours and they get the leftovers. It's a pretty raw deal. It would also improve my work habits a little. I would certainly be in a position to hit the ground running if I picked up this routine. 

Also from a photographer's perspective I am missing half of the best lighting of the day. It will certainly open up more opportunities to see things differently. 

Small changes

I am slowly turning into a urban hipster. I find myself biking more. I have long ago given up on retail shopping altogether (I stick to thrift stores, curbsides, ebay and flea markets). I realized I enjoy taking scrap material and repurposing it, refurbishing, or just appreciating it in it's worn state. 

This weekend I built a small raised vegetable bed this week and a small patio area with fire pit in my back yard. I did both of these entirely out of materials I had laying around or found on the side of the road (things that only last week I was considering taking to the dump so I could clean up the area) . I landscaped it with plants I found on Craigslist. I plan on making hanging torches out of old wine bottles from a local tapas bar. I was inspired to do this after I spent a nice evening around a firepit made from the top of a grill and nicely lit with a simple strand of old Christmas lights. It was some dirt poor couple just enjoying life. I began to realize this was just as nice as anything I might do if I constructed it out of bricks and mortar and had a contractor do it. I realized that I wouldn't have enjoyed the evening any more had it been in a some perfectly constructed urban setting. There was something almost cozy about it all. I also realized it might be some time before I am able to do all the things I want to do if I wait until I can do them "properly,"  In general I have have realized that doing things the way everyone else expects them to be done isn't going to give me the most benefit in life (even if it does increase my home equity - though this isn't entirely certain either). I need to be more creative in how I seek out solutions to the things I want. I need to be flexible. I need to be aware.

Over the past six months I haven't really bought anything for my house, but It continues to be furnished from discarded furniture from friends and things I have found laying around. I furnished my entire dining room from this stuff. 

I guess the point of this whole post is just to point out that I have a little more faith in the universe to provide me the things I want as long as I am willing to be patient, creative and flexible. 

New goal

I need to start waking up earlier. I waste too much time staying up late on the internet. 

Reallocation

I have never been one to budget - this includes not only money but
more importantly, time. The idea makes me feel trapped, but I am at
the point where I can honestly say I waste too much of both of those
precious resources unnecessarily. I don't want to be someone who
prescribes myself a regimented schedule, but it's clear after some
very basic accounting that my priorities and values aren't very well
aligned with outflows of dollars and seconds. I need to spend more
time reading about, practicing and spending time with people who share
my hobbies. I already mentioned this, but I need to devote more time
to the people I care about and less time on Facebook. I need to go
after women less and after deep friendships more. I need to start
basing them on what they can do for my spirit and not what they can do
for my "future." I need to spend more time investing in my health and
exercising. I need to spend more time outdoors.

Film

Some people like books. I like film. I need to start watching them on
a more regular basis. I certainly have enough free time to watch
several a week. I need to get back in the habit. I really enjoyed
doing that a year or two ago. I should also do a better job of
reflecting on them - what I enjoyed, what I learned, what made it
compelling, what will likely stick with me and shape my world view, to
explore the filmmakers a little more too... I started attending a film
club a few months back and really enjoy the post-film discussion with
others. It's amazing how much subtlety is in every scene and how many
emotions and ideas flow through my head as the film unfolds. It wasn't
until I had to verbalized it that I really grasped the complexity of
the experience.

Anyway, I am rambling a bit but I just wanted to remind myself that I
really value it and that I want to make it a part of my life again. In
the absence of the quantity of regular, deep, stimulating friendships,
this is the best substitute I have found. Though, that might be
another topic that I should reflect on in the coming days and if there
are things I can do to work on that situation....

Chatter

So it goes....A typical conversation.

I ask reflexively ask my friend some trivial question that wasn't
clear and as soon as I speak, I already know they are going to drone
on about it for minutes.

Why is it so hard to keep the conversation at a level where I can feel
connected, at a point where I am learning/sharing real ideas?

Wet sponge on a dirty chalkboard

Time to start over. Too many meaningless relationships sucking up too
much of my energy. Time to prioritize. Pick the ones that make me the
most satisfied, offer the most growth and invest in them. I am
spreading myself too thin.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. It makes it hard to plan my day.

-E..B. White

"For in creative hands, the camera, like the telescope and the
microscope, becomes and instrument to widen man'a horizons - providing
greater knowledge, understanding, and insight."

- Andres Feininger, "The World Through My Eyes"

I have been reading a lot of photography books lately and came across
this quote in a book about Edward Steichen....

"The thread I am following leads to the presence of a large soul - a
soul so large it can be, like Gulliver in Lilliput, a little
insensitive to the requirements of those closest to him, but also can
and unite multitudes with its persistent love of life"

It definitely summarizes one of my biggest weaknesses, but more
importantly, it highlights one of my biggest goals...

Hyperbole....

Wow, I was pissed. I was just going through some old drafts and came across this one from a year or two ago. I forgot I used to be so mad. It felt good to read this again.I felt like I skipped this stage of grief because I knew it would push it away. I guess it's ok to share now.


Goodbye Christina Karpinski

I've kept it in for too long... and quite frankly I think my subtlety has been a waste. I think the direct and pointed letters I sent back in January were more helpful, so hopefully this will summarize my current state of feelings....

"I'm sorry
I can't talk to you
because well, I'm shacking up
with my new beau
makes things difficult you see?"
Yeah, I see
Makes things real clear
fucking cunt
Thanks for chilling on the sidelines
for months
while I sat patiently, waiting for you
giving you space, letting you heal
wishing you would call
ripping my heart out
Thanks
I really appreciated being strung along
"Well it's not quite like that
It's partly financial
I couldn't afford do this on my own"
oh so you're kind of whoring yourself out
that's real classy
but at least this way you can keep it a secret
"it's not like that asshole"
ok i'm sorry - I will call it practical
that's what I strive for isn't it
"Oh yeah, and I meant all those sweet things
I said, but umm
Well, they don't mean anything now
I just wanted to make sure the new thing was solid
before, you know, I let you go
You have to understand
I really can't bear to be alone"
I know this dear, you are still the same
scared little person
otherwise you wouldn't have had to push me away
unless of course you reverted back
to a checkbox checker... clicking off life's to do's
"That's mostly it... I know what I want and ummm...
I'm just gonna ignore you from now on
I don't know who you are anymore
this whole trip in the woods
what is that? seriously?
and I have never felt this way about anyone
I don't want you to mess up any of it
life is so fabulous
he's the cherry on top"
Well why did you keep reading every week for months
even though we didn't speak
"Oh god, I didn't know what you would write
I was worried
and interested"
oh that your mother would find out
the one who has been reading my blog more than you?
and worried that I might say something
when I haven't even once mentioned you by name
"Yes, all of that"
oh ok, well that makes sense
Well you have fun with your short
bisexual, meathead, balding sugar daddy and his guido gene pool
If I didn't know better I would say he has a Napoleon complex
which would explain some things
or maybe he's trying to cover up something
which would explain you
"he's not short! and he's got a great job
a nice body
a nice car
a big house
but none of that matters
I love him"
well have fun
while you hide the rest of your life
from your controlling mother
and keep your grandmother in the dark
about the life you are really living
Tell the rest of your family I said hello
It really was just your mother than I didn't like
The fact that she was stuck on this idea that she was some
high class socialite bitch
I think she kind of figured out I didn't want any of that
when I brought over southern macaroni and cheese
It didn't fit in very well with the cantaloupe and prosciutto
at Thanksgiving dinner
Not sure what sparked it, but my guess is that
I think she was jealous of her surgeon brother
I might feel differently
if she hadn't judged me from the moment I met her
another low class southern fuck up
You even told me once, via your dad, months after it was over
'...and you didn't want him to be your son in law - big mistake"
I tried a few times to get her to warm up
and after you shared with me all the mean things she said
I said fuck it, and fuck her
you have to be an idiot to side with her on this issue
especially after the ending
I shouldn't have forgotten my first impression of you
she is too conventional
I could never date you
but I was lonely
and I needed a companion
so I tried keeping you at a distance
so you wouldn't get hurt
because I thought you wanted more than I was going to give
and you did, for the longest time
and then you know what?
"what"
I finally warmed up to you
I actually started to believe that I could
settle for a sweet girl
who wrote nice little cards
and sent little presents
and needed to be constantly coddled
or maybe I just missed the sex
who knows
then you said you got hurt anyway
and I went on for months feeling guilty
trying to make amends
feeling like a total dick
thinking I'd hurt some sweet little girl
well you know what I think now
"what"
you're more like your mom than I thought
and I'm glad I see that now
and that I had to leave
'cause otherwise this would have drug on
for years
or I might just have married a bitch
and ended up as another bitter father
--
also
every time you tell yourself you are happy
think about the suggestions I gave you
and the choices you made
and then add it all up
and quit blaming me for being unhappy
I knew why you were
and it wasn't because of me
it was your circumstances
I know you better than you think

I guess I have come to accept that most of the answers to the technical
questions I ask have been answered and the ones that have not are ones
that I would never have had the patience and diligence to solve.

Given all the pieces are here, and simply scattered about, I have come
to see a strong role for those who can bring them together - whether
this be as a statesman, a prophet or as a weaver of imagery, I am
indifferent.

Lately I have been voraciously reading books on photography and
practicing the finer technical aspects of the craft. In some ways I
think this may be the best use of my time, but first I feel like I
need to learn the language of imagery. How to communicate through
photos. How to speak what cannot be said with words. In looking over
books the past few weeks it is rather amazing what can be said with a
single image that would take pages to otherwise communicate....

Getting comfortable with ambiguity, uncertainly....

Just a reminder

Stop forcing it, just be natural