What I want in life:

More notes from my old notebook:

- A big circle of interesting friends who challenge me intellectually (growth), who share similar interests and who are reliable and willing to help

- A place where I can plug myself into and make a tangible difference in my community

- An absence of the stresses and problems of modern life (mostly urban issues)... loss of physical space, noise (and an absence of quiet green spaces), pollution, financial stress

- The ability to live freely and express myself (lots of jobs restrict this - professionalism is a waste of my life)

Procrastination

I read a book on procrastination a while back and came across my comments in an old notebook. I felt they were worth sharing:

1) Be mindful of "feeling good" vs "feeling good about yourself" --> I have a tendency to to be lazy and enjoy life but long-term satisfaction comes from pushing yourself in the short term. Sometimes things in the short term are difficult. Don't shy away from them

2) Avoid indulging in a private self image that is at odds with your public self image (this has been the most useful point since I read the book). This type of passive fantasizing can take the place of actually doing things that demonstrate your worth or "specialness" to others and yourself. Examples include:

• saying one thing but acting another
• re-imagining arguments to play a more flattering role
• using social media to project an image that isn't real
• acting different depending on the social circle

It is important to identify these inconsistencies as they undermine both identity and respect (once you are found out) as well as your tendency to actually accomplish things

3) Differentiate between dreams and goals.

• Dreams are visions, loose knit ideas
• Goals are achievable, have steps and can be measured

CHANGE HOW YOU SPEAK:

replace vague passive language with direct concrete

• "I wish" and "I'd like to"  become "I will try".... 
• Change "someday" to specific times
• Avoid make believe talk - exist in reality
• "I deserve more than I am getting"
• "I'm entitled to..."
• "I know it will all come out OK in the end....."
• "I'm the best person they ever had in this role...."
• "I shouldn't have to account for my time...."
• obviously in all of these some truth, but truth is not expressed.... If you want to say such things either back them up with facts or don't

CHANGE HOW YOU ACT:

plan each major project in writing, with a timeline and deadlines

• lay out mini-goals and check them off
• you need something to measure your progress against

1. Keep a "to do" and a "to think about" list
1. set a time each day to plan 
2. make lists in the morning or before bed
3. check during the day
4. review afterwards to see how you did
2. Distinguish between things you will definitely finish and things you hope to finish
3. Use timers/alarms/phones to remind you 

DO INSTEAD OF THINK!

Seek out more interaction with others:

-Don't get lost in dreams

- LISTEN to them DEEPLY 

- Actively seek out their views (nod your head, invite them to speak)

- Keep quiet, don't brag about what you know - make them comfortable

 

Thought vs. Intuition

I have always considered myself a good "thinker" though I have also known for some time that I am generally confusing to others when I try to convey exactly how I come to a conclusion. I am only now understanding why my extemporaneous thought has always been rather confusing to others.

What I am realizing is that while I may be an ENTP, my strongest attributes are external intuition and internal thinking. Internally I am able to quickly highlight the key aspects of a situation and make a decision off of them. Being a strong N-type means I am admittedly weak at walking through the small steps I made to arrive at a conclusion. I should avoid trying to share the inner workings of my admittedly non-linear thought processes without first pausing to synthesize it into something another human being can process. There is nothing wrong with sharing my general opinion of a situation, the biggest concerns/risks I have identified but if I wish to consider "debate" further, I should write out my thinking privately in a clear and linear manner. Only then it will be in a form that a larger population can follow.

Also, slowing down would probably be helpful too

Ruminating

While one of my biggest assets is my ability to be adaptable, the blase', almost aimless approach I often take might be a little too passive.While I am often quite reflective, I don't often make as many tangible changes because of my approach.

I need to stay grounded and keep my head from getting lost in a world possibilities.Short-sightedness, narrow thinking and a lack of vision are three things I try to avoid, though most of my mental wanderings/ideas/planning/dreaming aren't really beneficial. They often cause me to doubt myself. When I am present and focus on what I am doing, I am generally pretty happy. There is nothing wrong with pausing and working on tangible improvements to my life, but the all-pervasive, second-guessing I frequently engage in doesn't usually do anything but bring anxiety and confusion (things like Facebook are good at helping to generate these thoughts). It rarely results in a plan or even a single step I might take to improve my lot. The question I should be asking should be simply, "does my situation make me unhappy" or "am I mostly responsible for my own unhappiness?" In either case, what concrete steps might I take to find a more enjoyable life. Wishing I had taken another career or educational path, wishing I had more money/looks/intelligence, or that old relationships had panned out doesn't do anything. Wishing I might change the world without participating in it is just self-indulgent fantasy.

I need more short terms goals, I need more self discipline, I need determination, I need a little more selflessness, I need to take a few more targeted risks, I need to seek out feedback from those who care about me.

To do that I need more alone time. I reflect on what I really value and what would be the most beneficial to those around me. I need to open my eyes to see the needs beyond my own narrow scope. This does not mean I should be unimaginative, but that I should focus only on the things I can actually hope to accomplish (and then maybe multiply by a factor of two for good measure). I need to focus on the short term and intermediate terms tasks that I need to execute on in order to carry out whatever vision I want to bring to life.

Refinement?

So, I sit here on my porch with smug satisfaction.  Drinking from a leaded crystal tumbler. Drinking a little refreshing summer cocktail I whipped up with things from the garden: cucumber, basil, lemon mint, a splash of lemonade, club soda, vodka and a pinch of salt. I think how simple most bars are and how I can much nicer drinks for myself. Such pretentious taste. 

I reflect on my own life. How I would rather live in this hundred year old house with it's thick molding, hardwood floors, and high ceiling than live in some comfortable boring, ordinary abode in the 'burbs.... even if it is in the hood and refuses to cool below 80 for the months of July and August. How I am willing to trade these immediate comforts for the perception of refinement. I think about my past at Bridgewater or at the Governor's School and the satisfaction that came from telling others I attended. Or at work, where I just joined the Capital City Club. Each morning I sit and dine from a breakfast spread that rivals some of the nicest hotels I have stayed in. Or last night I, reflected on my own disdain for my parents TV viewing habits as I watch classic cinema on Netflix. Such arrogance. Such pretension.  

I wonder what I am trying to compensate for? My own trailer trash past? My country accent. The pervaise perception that anyone with a southern accent must be stupid? A critical father? I remember my last two bosses always got a kick out of making fun of my southern past. Was it from Governor's school and trying to  compete with everyone else? My complete ignorance to even the most elementary aspects of etiquette as a child? I can't think of any specific instances when I was spurned by a woman that would have caused this.

I also can think of just as many instances when I have embraced low brow activities, though I generally view these as satire. I feel different when I am enjoying nicer things. I suppose I am still mentally playing, but I feel as if that is where I belong.

Mindfulness

Let's talk...

Chance...

An honest man cannot ignore the profound role that chance plays in his life. I do need to give credit to Buffet for reminding me of the side I often forget. I think it explains a lot of the political divide we have in our country. I guess the answer is that both are right and both are wrong. Chance is real, so is hard work and they each play varying roles in every person's life. One certainly cannot succeed without hard work, but one also cannot also look back at life and argue that fortune did not play a role.


Buffet acknowledges had he been born black or born a woman expectations would have been different and he wouldn't have been nearly as successful. Jay-Z also talks about how lucky he was just to make it out alive from his own crime-ridden neighborhood.

Said differently, everyone buys a lottery ticket with some small sliver of hope, but only one will win. Life is similar in some regards (though success is much more likely if you do "buy the ticket.")

I am reminded of the words of Qoheleth (Ecclesiastes).

"Again I saw that under the sun the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, nor bread to the wise, nor riches to the intelligent, nor favor to those with knowledge, but time and chance happen to them all.

Fools are put in many high positions, while the rich occupy the low ones.

I have seen slaves on horseback, while princes go on foot like slaves.

Whoever digs a pit may fall into it; whoever breaks through a wall may be bitten by a snake.

Whoever quarries stones may be injured by them; whoever splits logs may be endangered by them."

However, ultimately the perception of events is in the mind of the individual. I think that's why Buddhism has been so helpful. It reminded me that my outlook determines my happiness. As Buffet demonstrates in the video below, had be born in India with the same skills, they would have been much less useless, but he would have done it regardless of the payout. He says he would have traded had the payout been in seashells. His own life reflects that. He certainly does not live like a billionaire.

"Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do."

"Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom."

and most elusively....

"Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun--all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun."


(start at :50)

A harmony of minds

Sad song still make me smile...

We live in an odd time

I was just watching the news and some blurb about Richard Branson (the iconic Billionaire from Virgin Mobile) and his latest adventure to explore the seas, Virgin Oceanic (which follows up his equally ambitious project, Virgin Galactic). Moments later, on the same station, an infomercial appeared for some silly kitchen device that makes chopping vegetables easier. I guess it just highlighted for me, what a strange world we live in. Where technologies which should have been invented hundreds of years ago are still able to make people millions, while at the same time others are using very expensive technologies only invented within the last few years to explore the known frontiers of the universe. It demonstrated that there are always "inefficiences" or at least opportunities to improve upon the everyday experience, regardless of how trivial. The second is that the far frontiers of science seem very out of reach. This dichotomy has always bothered me. I feel as though I have a great deal of creativity, but it the areas where it can be put to use often seem rather limited - as if all of the great ideas have already been invented. I guess what this should teach me is that though the little vegetable chopper might seem totally useless and banal, it probably does provide a great deal of social utility (by virtue of its profits), even in its super-simple form. I should always remind myself not to get demoralized and that there are always a thousand improvements on the everyday experience I could easily bring to market.

The Compassion of Adam Smith

Below are some excerpts that I re-worded from Adam Smith's lesser-known first work, The Theory of Moral Sentiments. I have been taking the compassionate course at the UU and was quite surpised to find these penned by word's most well known economist. I was also surprised to see that his interest was not initially in understanding markets, but in understanding people. He began his studies as a social philosopher.

 _____

No matter how selfish a man may be, most will always have some interest in the feelings of others. This pity or compassion is the emotion we feel when we see the misery of other creatures. The fact that we can derive sorrows from the sorrows of others is a matter too obvious to require any instances to prove it. This sentiment like all the other passions of human nature is by no means confined to the virtuous or the humane, though they may in fact feel it with the most exquisite sensibility. The most hardened heart is not altogether without it.  

As we have no natural ability to experience what other men feel, we can never understand the depth and nature of their feelings beyond conceiving what we ourselves would feel in a similar situation – we rely on the impression of our own senses and our own personal histories. Though our brother may be on the rack, as long as we ourselves are at ease, our senses will never inform us of what he suffers. Our own cognition never has and never can, carry us beyond our own person, and it is only through sheer imagination that we can form any conception of another's sensation.
The administration of the great system of the universe and the care of the universal happiness of all rational and sensible beings, is the business of God and not of man. To man is allotted a much humbler department, but one much more suitable to the narrowness of his powers and his comprehension: the care of his own happiness; to the extent possible, that of his family, his friends, his country. But though we are endowed with a very strong desire of those ends, it has been entrusted to the slow and uncertain determinations of our reason to find out the proper means of bringing them about. Nature has directed us to these ends through innate instinct: hunger, thirst, the passion which unites the two sexes, and the dread of pain, prompt us to apply those means for their own sakes. We do these things without any consideration of their tendency produce beneficial ends which the "great Director of nature" intended them to produce.
Thus being led they mean only their own convenience and the gratification of their insatiable desires and often vain desire, they divide with the others the products of all their improvements. They are led by an invisible hand to make nearly the same distribution of the necessaries of life, which would have been made, had the earth been divided into equal portions among all its inhabitants, and thus without intending it, without knowing it, advance the interest of the society.

..the more they stay the same

Sadly....

 

"With the greater part of rich people, the chief enjoyment of riches consists in the parade of riches."

-Adam Smith

 

If only we saw it this way:

 

"The chief end of labor is leisure."

-Aristotle

What I enjoy and why....

I made a list of all the activities I enjoyed and then made a list of reasons I enjoy them and consended it to the following qualities:

·         Ability to find beauty and bring things to life

·         Meaningful work (think about what this really means?)

·         Being mentally challenged and stretched

·         Ability to be creative

·         Autonomy

·         New experiences on a daily basis (places, people, food, ect - doesn't have to be  anything exotic either, could be just walking down a new street)

·         Working with people in order to change my own limited perspective

Spiritual Malaise

I have noticed a distinct lack of "passion" in my life lately. I have felt a general disinterest in most things. Right now I feel a general spiritual malaise. Sarte called it "the nausea" - a palpable weight on my soul, that I carry around. I am not sure if this is because I have an aversion to routine and I am in a very normal 9-5 job, because I have all of my biological needs (food, sleep, sex, shelter) met with little stress and applied effort  (I think hunger in the specific and in the broad sense is a good thing), or if I am coming to the same conclusion as Ecclesiasties that I will find less and less happiness as I age (I have certainly embraced the concept that life is inherently meaningless [and that purpose is what we create in the lack of this meaning]), if it's just a normal cycle of my hypomania, or a normal withdrawal from caffeine and to some degree alcohol, or this is in fact a normal response to the life I am currently living (one that while covering all of my basic life needs is, to use an economic term, far from my potential output).

 

I supposed I should attack them systematically:

• Aversion to routine: I do in fact despise the routinized life so common in corporate America. I have only been here and I have altered my daily habits at least a dozen times. I tried new restaurants every day during lunch, I biked to work, I started eating a big breakfast and working out during lunch. I met friends for happy hour after work. I started to read after work. I started to meditate during lunch. I started to read during lunch. I worked late. I started waking up earlier. I enjoy novelty. It is the one thing that makes me excited. Just running through a new neighborhood in the morning and seeing how other live their lives is often enough to cheer me up for bit. I guess this what it means is that I need to make an effort in both life and my job to meet new people and see new things to whatever extent I am able. I am not doing this now.
• Biologically satiated- I think experiencing the elements, going hungry and having an unmet sex drive is good. It seems to motivate me to improve my condition instead of "going soft" in the padded seats, AC, and munching on good food all day. I think Epicurus was right.
• Life gets boring with age - well, being 27, I can say that the trajectory of my life confirms the general trend, but I am too young to speak with any experience. I am also not sure if the dry, boring life I am living now is more a result of conformity and having let social norms beat out most aspects of individuality (through embarrassment, by dangling capital in my face, by succumbing to the expectations of women I encountered) I might have clung to as a child. It does seem rather obvious that the more you try things the less interesting they will be, but I am also convinced that with the almost infinite array of diversity in the world (among people, geography, art, and plants... all ranging from the microscopic to the scale of galaxies... each with an infinite number of theories and models for processing, understanding and predicting how things will flow through time) that I should be able to find a ceaseless stream of gratitude and a deep deep well of amazement to draw from and drink it's cool waters. Verdict: to be determined. Would probably be good to take an informal survey of my older friends to get their opinion on this (note to self: make sure to get a real view and not an idealized version). 
• Seasonal mood fluctuation - possible, need better documentation, consult with friends, read scientific literature. No real insight here other than these things seem to be moderated by exercise, sleep and a good diet, all of which I have.
• Caffeine - plays a stronger role than I would like on my mood. I do feel quite happy when I drink it. There is a noticeable absence when I don't. Life is probably better without it. If i do use it, it should only be recreational and not a part of my daily routine (other than maybe decaf as a digestive aide).
• Normal Response to current situation - I think there is merit here. I recently had a phone interview with a firm from London and was quite excited by the prospect of a new job in a new place that would challenge me and give me time to travel and work with people. I need to reflect more on what I really want and where I am systematically missing out on these things in my current phase of life.
• I haven't been to any new clubs/groups, pursued any new hobbies, locations, or even dates in a while. This has partly been because I have not wanted my happiness to be contingent upon my circumstances (I have this strange desire to create a worldview that I could apply even if I were in a wheelchair in a nursing home - it just seems more honest since that is a very real possibility one day) so I have been trying to find contentment in my ordinary day-to-day life. Though this seems to be selling myself short if I am capable of doing things I would enjoy and am forcing myself to forego them. At a minimum I should be reading the free times more and going to events that look interesting. I should actively be expanding my circle of friends. I should be taking time at least one afternoon a week to enjoy my hobbies and carry out projects I have been wanting to for a while (particularly a few photo-essays on things around Columbia). I need to get involved with the service groups I looked into last week.     

This plan makes me a feel a tad better. I think I just gave myself something to look forward to in the coming weeks. I have a little smile on my face... 

The Graduate

Strange. I remembered the ending of this film pretty accurately until the final few seconds. I always carried an image of two people riding off in a red convertible still laughing about what had just happened - imagining they had found their own way, that they had found their own version of redemption. My mind totally edited out the final few seconds where they started to drift apart mentally. The Simon and Garfunkel soundtrack was so perfectly timed. Damn that is such a great film. 

Is it beneficial?

I was in the book club at UU and made a comment about talking with others and one of the guys said it sounded like the Rotary Club 4-way test. It is quite close to my own value system.
__

Of the things we think, say or do
Is it the TRUTH?
Is it FAIR to all concerned?
Will it build GOODWILL and BETTER FRIENDSHIPS?
Will it be BENEFICIAL to all concerned?
____

I  think it's an excellent way of summarizing how we should deal with each other and a very good model for behavior. I like things like this because they help me to make sense of difficult situations and give me at least one sensible way to quickly deal with those issues when they arise.


(After reading it, I realized had seen this years ago on a fountain in Charleston in Marion Square.)

____

In other news, I have been writing a lot in the little moleskine book I purchased the other week. It's been helpful for sorting out my thoughts and has given me a way to record things that I might otherwise forget. As I expected, its also been much less distracting than trying to take notes on my phone (Facebook/texts/email, ect - generally an electronic black hole). Though I have noticed it makes me appear a bit curious to outsiders. Overall, it's been a nice addition. I think I am going to keep using it. It's worth the extra space it takes up in my pocket. 

The most useful aspect has been for recording my failures in human interactions. Given I am able to immediately jot down what I would like to work on, it has served as a faithful aid. I have been able to reflect on those mini-lessons and take down the advice of others. Without this record I, likely would be repeating these same mistakes more frequently.

One of the most curious things that I discovered after using it for the past couple of weeks is that I use different pronouns at times. For some notes, I will say "I" while in others I will say "you." I wonder if I have pinpointed at least a bifurcation in  the different voices I might have internalized over the years. I will try to pay more attention to it in my day-to-day life.

____


I have been doing a bit of reading lately (at least more than usual). The most recent book I went through was The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm.  I have enjoyed it, but reading has ironically (particularly given the subject matter of this book) made me want interaction with real people less and less (Though this might be because lately I have been in a position of talking through problems others are having rather than seeking guidance on my own). Books have a way of being succinct and dense that often doesn't happen in regular conversation. It seems like a good book will have several compelling ideas on a single page whereas it might take half an hour to glean as many from most conversations. It's also hard to get to a point where ideas are actually flowing back and forth. People are way too guarded. It has also taught me to recognize the importance of "bad company" - to identify "zombies." People whose souls have died but whose mouths still work - people who chatter about banal trivialities (my sense of humor falls into this too - it is often without substance and is something I need to discard in large part). Along those lines it has pushed me to try to really listen in conversation (though this is admittedly VERY tough for me). I am often making more judgments and internal evaluations than anything else. Memorizing what the person says is not listening. Listening is about shutting out my own internal chatter and really being with the person there. It's easy to sound off advice without really believing a word of it. It is an entirely different process to just shut up and really try to empathize with someone else.

The other challenge this book has left me with is to be content while I am alone. The author asserted that the ability to be happy alone is a prerequisite for love. I think there is some truth in this. Particularly since I often view relationships as a way to fulfill my own longings (to varying degrees: intellectual stimulation, acceptance, love, forgiveness, financial security, companionship). I think what Fromm was trying to say was that real love depends not on selflessness and embedded expectations of getting something in return. In any case it's certainly not related to the naive and infectious idea of "courtly love" so often tossed around as the ideal in today - the notion that obsession with some "true love" who will complete you.

I guess this is generally highlighting the start of a recent arch I have made from an obsession with my own destiny (career, education, economic security, personal spiritual development, to something related to, as a good Buddhist would say, reducing suffering in the world. I guess I am ready to start giving back a little (at .
least beyond the immediate circle of friends/family).
___

On the job front: I have tried to spend my lunch hour either writing, reading, meditating or exercising. It's a good way to break up the monotony of the day and get away from all the chatter of work (unavoidable if I dine with co-workers. 4 hours in the morning and 4 in the afternoon are pretty easy with that gap. I also should be scheduling more lunches with friends (particularly people I have identified as mentors in my own life).

The job itself is bearable. I am not unhappy there, but neither am I excited to go to work. It pays my bills and is not very stressful. I feel useful which is nice, but there is so much more I could be doing with my time and that always nags at my soul. The people are friendly and my boss has been very kind which is a welcome change (this is also my first female superior). We are quite different, but I appreciate that she looks out after me. It's nice to have that sense of protection rather than fear. I think a good boss is essential to any real career development and long term success at a job. I also try, to make sure I leave work at work at a reasonable hour and not bring it home with me.

I find myself more and more convinced of a life I keep drifting farther and farther away from. I feel like I am getting more and more entrenched with a sedate middle class yuppie lifestyle with each passing day though what I want couldn't be farther from this. I wonder if I am determined to make myself perpetually restless or if I am getting ready for a big life change. 

Changes

Well, once I made a decision to stop chasing company just for the sake of it, I haven't had very much to do besides read, sleep, and reflect. I have mainly slept a lot. It's also the first time since I was a small child that I would rather read than go socialize.  Generally, I come home from work, read for around an hour and just go to bed. I have gone to bed before 9 most nights this week (I am not sure how I have been able to sleep so muchion - I also supposed tonight is an exception since I am awake at 3:30 writing this). I also feel like I am at a point in my life where I am finally ready to settle down a bit. Most likely not ready for marriage, but at least  ready for something serious.

I guess I am writing because I know I should be doing more than what I just wrote with my time and want to plan out better use of it (or at least come to peace with this recent change).  Yet, while there is so much more I "could" be doing, but I just feel like I have done a lot of it. I guess I should also remind myself, the desire to constantly be doing something is also what I am fighting against. I want to be at peace, not to be perpetually ecstatic.

For the times when I do go out, I also need to think of all the people I would like to spend time with. I need to surround myself with friends who help me grow. They are mostly older, reflective people largely drawn from my circle of friends at the UU. Though lately, it seems like books are beginning to offer the most promise. That said, the idea of hanging out with dusty tomes seems silly. There has to be more to life than sitting around staring at printed words (or lights flashing on a screen for that matter).

I also can't decide if this realization has pushed me one step closer to moving away. I am feeling the allure of NYC again (or at least a city with more young adults as I slowly graduate from the college stage) as well as a general desire to go wander.

I suppose this is just an adjustment period. Contentment doesn't come easy. I scribbled something in my notebook the other day: "if I want to be at peace I am going to have to stop embracing my restless spirit." I am not sure if that is true, but I am def going to need to brush it aside during the periods of my life where I am not  in a position to wander. I guess that's the point of what I was writing. To control my thoughts and desires. To live deliberately and not be subject to every little whim. I guess that's where I am at. I made a decision to change and I want to stick with it.

Passion

always elusive...

Thoughts on Aging

Just some notes I jotted down from a discussion about the process of aging that I thought were worth sharing:

• loss of fear - primarily a result of experiencing failure and an acceptance that failure is ok, 
• the role of chance in life - and a tacit admission that we do not have control over our own destiny nearly as much as we would like
• everyone has something to teach
• A gradual disbelief in my own ability to know things with certainty (with this is religious fundamentalism, pure evil, and fairy tale notions of true love)
• a gradual acceptance of "reality" and a letting go of magical thinking (same list as above)... also a slow release from the torment of extreme philosophical views like solipsism
• also an appreciation for the natural world and the infinite interconnectedness of life and matter and the wonders of science
• Empathy/sympathy/compassion for others (this is also in no small part a result of failure and our ability to have common experiences)
• Self-control - particularly in moments when we are emotionally charged
• admitting ones own faults easily, and maybe even embracing them
• an appreciation for the role of art in human expression
• a release from the view that social structures and conventions matter, and a belief that they are all just a silly little game we all play

'But I would suggest that an ideal human life lies somewhere between my own defiant indolence and the rest of the world’s endless frenetic hustle. My role is just to be a bad influence, the kid standing outside the classroom window making faces at you at your desk, urging you to just this once make some excuse and get out of there, come outside and play."


Good article on the right pace of life....
http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/06/30/the-busy-trap/?smid=tw-share

Weary

I want companionship, among other things
In the absence of the former, I too often settle for the latter
Which has a way of sucking up all my available resources
time, money, energy
The tradeoff is worth less with each occurrence
I need to stop chasing trash and simpletons
for women who still live for their mother's approval
and those who cling to silly notions of childhood
yes, fairy tales of a perfect romanace
I am no prince
those who's hearts are chained to another
or those who have withered from heartbreak
I already know what I want
I just have to go after it
and stop getting distracted by nonsense

Mouth Breathing and ADHD

This is a bit different than most of my posts, but after seeing the benefits (and Google traffic to this site from an old post on ADHD, I thought it was worth sharing).
My newfound quest to document my biggest problems has led me first to focus on my lack of quality sleep. I long ago realized that feeling well-rested was a main source of "happiness" most days. It is hard to be grumpy when I wake up feeling like a new man. I rarely have problems sleeping, but I also rarely feel rested in the morning. I am sluggish, my eyes are often burning and I generally feel worse than when I went to bed. I had written this off as "not being a morning person" but I think there is more to it than that.

I have long known of my own snoring problems and my brother's own sleep apnea problems (he uses a breathing machine to sleep at night). Ex-girlfriends have often told me how awful I my snoring can be as well as times when I have stopped breathing and then gasped for air while sleeping. I have been reluctant to do that just because I do not want to become dependent upon such cumbersome external devices. However, I have also ignored small things which might have helped me to overcome my own lack of quality sleep. The key recommendations for a good night’s sleep have always been: exercise, no late meals and no alcohol close to bedtime. I have only haphazardly followed those directions and. It is often advised that people sleep on their back, breathe through their nose and stay well hydrated. I did not do any of those and it has caused persistent sinus problems which has led to me too often to be a "mouth breather" instead of typically breathing through my nose which has numerous health benefits including filtering air, humidifying air, increasing oxygen uptake, and even releasing nitrous oxide which increases oxygen uptake further.

A recent article also suggests that it may be the cause of ADHD diagnoses. This makes intuitive sense, as I can certain relate to the mental fogginess that always appears the day after an all-night or those unfortunate days where I must wake up early after a long night out on the town. I can also relate to the anxiety that comes from not being able to breathe, either while swimming or while wrestling.
I also noticed how calming "nose breathing" can be through practicing yoga and meditation.  In both of these disciplines it is an essential aspect. For whatever reason, they both also greatly reduce anxiety. I have also noticed that when I forcibly applied pressure to my cheeks to make breathing easier my performance while running increased drastically. I was able to run a 5K at a nice clip without much effort.

Anyway, after documenting (and reflecting on the past) I can see a clear relationship between sleep and productivity/clarity. So, with that duly noted, I am attacking it head on - 8 glasses of water, regular exercise, and I also just ordered breathe right strips and a neti pot. Even this week, after just three days of directed effort, I have observed a noticeable difference. I feel much more clarity, and my thoughts don't seem quite as overwhelming.

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Update: 6/29

Oh my god! Sweet baby Jesus (or maybe I should thank Vishnu since this originated from Vedic texts). In any case, the neti pot is amazing. I would have given the breate right strips a 10 before, but after using the neti pot for the first time yesterday afternoon, I am hooked. I have asolutely no obstructions and slept like a baby. I feel like someone poured the equivalent of sinus-equivalent draino down my airways. I have been missing out.... 

I was having a discussion with one of the guys at UU about his self-published book (mainly for his own benefit) on happiness. One of his seven points is that we are unhappy because we are often not very rational. Earlier this week, I was reading over some of my old trading logs from my senior thesis and was rather surprised at all the insights I had recorded once I forced myself to follow some basic guideilnes before making trades. They reduced my trading costs, risks and more importantly, the emotional anxiety that I often let creep in as a result of just winging trades. Both of these reminded me that I need to be "scientific" about how I do things. I learned value of this at Bridgewater many times over. Intuition is very important, and its value cannot be underestimated, but it needs to be tempered by facts and data. 

In general, I need to make better documentation surrounding issues I am having. This includes basic things like life habits (sleep, food, exercise, hobbies, work) and how they effect my quality of life and overall sense of well-being. Outlining basic causes and effects is easy and only takes a few minutes per day.

This should also include interpersonal issues. I often find myself internally going don't do that because this or that negative consequence will happen if you do. Yet at the same time I lack the resolve to follow through. While it isn't certain that having a clear outline will make me have better self control (nor do I have any desire to turn myself into an automaton once I create a list of rules for myself), I think having better facts will probably help me solve my problems much more quickly and parse through the data that I might otherwise miss. The problem with intuition is that it is also easy to ignore. Data is less easily dismissed. Especially when the observations span weeks and months. It's also nice to have the collection of accumulated wisdom from years past all at my finger times. It's so easy to spend weeks coming to some profound insight about a personal flaw, to recognize, it master it and then fall back into the same habits years later. It's nice to be able to quickly glance at a few pages of notes/principles and asses relative personal progress.

It also goes back to something I discussed on here before about the power of simply writing things down. For the past several years, putting ideas in writing has an almost magical way of helpiong me to accomplish those tasks. This might be a result of the forced articulation of thought that it requires. It forces me to stay on track and allows me to make several steps of progress that I might not otherwise make because of my internal distractions. Writing allows me to pick up right where I left off whereas returning to an earlier thought is never so easy.

It also builds upon my other post about wanting to get rid of my cell phone (or at least break my connection to it). 

Last week in my iPhone of the past few years finally died. It just didn't turn on after a night on the town. I assume the battery finally gave out.

For two days I went without it. I was relaxed. I felt at peace. I didn't feel the need to constantly do something: to always text someone, to research every question that arises in my mind, to document important thoughts, to cure my boredom with music, to read emails.

At the local flea market, I noticed people's faces in a way that I hadn't before. I met more people. I actually rummaged through what was there rather than casually walking by.

I was even more perceptive on my on walk and the tension in my face and back.

My car ride to a family reunion was not interrupted by rings nor was a distracted from staring at my phone. I am sure the highways of this fine state were safer because of it. 

On my way home, I stopped at corn fields and ate straight from the stalk. I got out my camera and photographed the rural area I came from. I took in the world around me and didn't really stress about anything.

Anyway, I bought a new phone a few days later, put part of my doesn't want it. Or at least I want to leave it in my car or at home - not in my pocket where it serves as a digital leash. I also want to withdraw from the need, Facebook, and all the noise that seems to create tension, anxiety and mental dis-ease.

I feel the anxiety slowing creeping back: the desire to be connected, to be informed. It's also made me aware of how much anxiety I left creep into my life via the disparet forms of communication: politically charged and inflammtory news stories, emotional distress on Facebook from friends, the need to "catch up," the longing and desire it always seems to create, and the sense of inferority and second-guessing it seems to fester.
I want to hear the birds, the wind., to look people around me in the eye, to think without distraction.

Instead of an iPhone I think I should switch to paper where I can quite literally gather my thoughts up like lost sheep. Where I can pause and focus and not be distracted by the next beep or buzz, where I am not overwhelmed with choice. Where I can reflect without the constant intrusion.

...where I can listen