For my sanity

Most important qualities in a mate:

-realibility/dependability/trust
-quality time
-tactile
-good heart
-intellectually curious

Guilty

I can relate

I was reading a book on MBTI types and came across this passage.

It's definitely something that has been lacking in one of my more personal relationships

The Precipice

My mom used to work in home health and from time to time would share the rather gruesome reality of her patients poorly treated wounds. Particularly those that had been sewed over and where infection teemed under the otherwise healthy-looking skin. Eventually some doctor, or  nurse like my mother, would attempt to clean the area and all sorts of putrid fluids would come pouring out. The reality that this wound was not healing quickly sat in. While the patient will physically will be for better for acknowledging the reality of the situation, the psychological toll from this revelation can greatly offset the physical benefits. I suppose emotional trauma is the same. It's often easier to carry around a poorly healed emotional would than it is to poke around and risk discovering there is something really deep.

I feel like I am there now. There is some dark shadow lurking behind my shoulder for the past week. I know I could run away - go on a roadtrip, busy myself with activities, call all of my friends, watch a few good films, go on a date or two - but that even in the midst of all that (the roadtrip potentially being an exception) I would still be haunted by the shadow. I know I need to just turn around and stare whatever it is in the eyes.

I suppose a combination of uncertainty around what the issue really was (I considered seasonal factors, work, ennui) and the fear that it is something larger probably kept me from facing it earlier in the week. There is always a bit of a worry that by indulging in these feelings there is a chance one might fall completely into the blackness.

I have been there once and I know it can be difficult to pull yourself out if you get in too deep. It's akin to looking out of the door of the plane just before skydiving or looking over the rocky ledge of a canyon.

While thinking about this all, I called a good friend to ask for advice and she wisely said "Work through it but set a limit. Allow yourself to dive in, but have a detailed plan to climb back out."

I feel a lot like an explorer preparing for a big journey just by writing this. I need to gear up, mentally prepare myself for pain, and turn anxiety into a challenge.

The posts here are like notes from a younger, wiser me to a future self
for the days when I've lost my way
to remind me to feel and to push through
that I have been here before and managed just fine
and that clarity and peace are familiar friends

January 2010

spring comes early in the South
daffodils, heralding new life,
push forth delicate yellow petals and narrow green shoots
in the warmth of longer days
yet, a thousand miles, and a half season away
a distant friend trudges through slushy brown snow
the cold dry air cuts through the alleys
far away from the pleasant end of winter
a photo might suffice, but our age permits more
unexpected, pure white lilies in clear glass
carry the hope of a warm southern breeze
to melt away an icy heart

Cacophony

Sometimes I need to separate myself from others while I feel out my own beliefs. The noise of another's consciousness is loud and intruding, and too often, if I am receiving information I am too often filtering it through both my lens and theirs. It takes too much brain capacity to give both thoughts a fair hearing and in the process I give neither a fair chance or the justice of full reflection. Ideas needs room to bounce around, build connections with other thoughts and become fully rooted, dismissed or held in a waiting area for further examination. If they are crowded out by the constant comparison and dual evaluation, I also don't have time to examine them as deeply. I don't have the time hold it in my hands, to touch it, to feels its weight, texture and it's top bottom and sides. I need to treat them with the kindness and acceptance I would offer a potential new friend and not the skepticism and apprehension of an intruder.

Relationships

After basic attraction, all I really want is someone to share my life with - the things I enjoy, love and value. Someone to offer a little understanding when it might be hard to find in the world. Someone who appreciates me for who I am and what I do and someone I appreciate for the same reason. Someone who wants to spend time with me, because I enjoy that.

Thoughts from today's sermon

Community : To know and to be known

How can there be peace in the world if I can't find equanimity in myself after doing something as simple as reading a biased article

Move the needle

Focus on the big problems, go slowly, and spend time to solve them well. Don't sweat the small things and just focus on doing an excellent job. Being busy won't take you very far, solving big problems will.

Tact

Saying the right thing, in the right way, at the right time...

Data vs Narratives

A simple and intuitive narrative is a great way to spread information - people like a good story. Unfortunately what I am realizing is that a good narrative is actually more powerful than raw data that might contradict it. It's hard to get people to let go of a storyline they buy into.

My strategy for undoing this is to first acknowledge that it makes sense (or else they will want to teach you why it is right - unnecessary if you have studied it extensively). Next, show data in a simple way that highlights the error their thinking. Last, Next, offer an equally compelling, alternative story line to replace the one you just undid. You also have to make sure to emotionally connect while you are trying to get someone to see a different point of view. People aren't too keen on giving up exchanging their views for those of someone they don't find to be likable.

What I believe

I spend so much time forming my opinions in reaction to what other people believe that I often fail to take the time to sit down and write out what I really believe. I have done this with economics and things make so much more sense. I need to do the same for other areas of my life.

Post-industrial materialism

To be a good materialist, in the strict sense, you need to be an excellent capitalist. 

Materialism (adj. materialistic) is the excessive desire to acquire and consume material goods. It is often bound up with a value system which regards social status as being determined by affluence (see conspicuous consumption) as well as the perception that happiness can be increased through buying, spending and accumulating material wealth.

Capitalist -  a person who has capital especially invested in business;broadly :  a person of wealth :  plutocrat

However, materialism is just a symptom of a more severe disease. Materialism is simply the food for an ego with an endless appetite. It briefly satiates the hunger we have for meaning and purpose. 

To me, it seems rather clear modern materialism is about positioning yourself socially above others and publicly demonstrating your wealth. Materialism used to offer some physical benefit in that it might provide for a more comfortable or tasty existence. However in a world we homeostasis is all but guaranteed for a middle class person, additional capital is mostly directed at more expensive brands and has increasingly less to do with comfort. 

Wealth has historically been the most direct way to demonstrate this to others. However, we are slowly transitioning to a new age. Credit has made wealth subject to skepticism and (because of the recession) it's also becoming increasingly unfashionable to be ostentatious. 

The social currency of our age is no longer (or at least it won't be for long) a nice car, a big house or nice clothes (particularly in an age when environmentalism is one of the highest values). What matters is the public projection of one's digital image. It doesn't cost anything. In many ways it boils down to three things: pictures with beautiful people, travel photos and photos doing extreme or interesting things. I am the worst offender. In the end it's about ego. All it does is eat at the soul of others. It's hollow. It's the new rat race. Today we accumulate media not capital.

____

To be clear: I was contrasting capitalism and materialism with some friends (because they are often erroneously viewed as the same thing). In response a friend posted the definition of capitalist which is quite different (and quite similar, and likely the source of the confusion - we can thank Marx for that). I pointed out that you can be a humble, ecofriendly hermit who only uses barter and be a shining example of capitalism. The hallmarks of materialism: greed, industrial destruction, and ostentatious displays can exist under any economic system. Capitalism is simply an economic system that allows for the voluntary exchange of goods and services for mutual benefit. It says nothing about the underlying reasons for those transactions or the values of its participants.

Breaking through

I think doubt is natural, particularly when one has non-mainstream opinions.Things are easier when you don't disagree. You certainly don't want to be on the opposite side of things that might make you appear to be a bad person in the eyes of someone else. And like any idea, one must question them to test their authenticity. Eventually though, after enough deep questioning, you eventually have to trust your own conclusions (but still keep an open mind) and move forward with strongly held minority views. I think I am pretty close to that point now.

Planning

I just realized why I hate planning. I don't necessarily mind the structure, though that can be bothersome too. What I really hate is the selection process for something as simple as a hotel. Add in coupon codes and discount websites and the possibilities become exponential. On top of that add in a rental car and and local sights and you have even more to think about. All the planning almost necessitates a vacation just to unwind from all the choices. It's enough to fry my brain. It's so much easier to know I have a friend in another city and that I can just hop in the car and go visit them. They can tell me what's interesting when I get there. Just me, the open road and a few days to see something new...

"New? New is easy. Right is hard."

-Craig Federighi, SVP of Software at Apple on adding new features to the iPhone.

"We didn't start with 10 bits of technology that we could try go find a use for that we could add to our features list."

I think it's a good reminder for life.

It's a been a while

I made a lot of progress earlier this year when I stuck to my new year's resolutions. I haven't done as much of that (or writing, or dinners with friends or  watched interesting films) over the past few months. In some ways I feel like I have been running from myself. While I have been doing lots of fun and interesting things I haven't been as purposeful as I would like. I feel a bit aimless and empty. I just come home and piss away my afternoons at the gym or dabbling on social media. I don't know what it's so hard for me to plan out what I enjoy (and need) and go after it. I guess it boils down to the fact that I am not living very deliberately.

What do I need more of?

• Meaningful companionship with people who draw out my feelinsgs 
• New Ideas that force me to challenge the way I see the world
• New challenges/project (physical, mental artistic)

As I write this, I feel this process is a bit cyclical. I have already planned out how to do all of those things above in great detail, in prior posts. I have just failed to execute and stick to the plan I have created. I lack discipline (ok, just bought a book on Amazon about self-discipline and will power). I am also a bit lazy and unfocused and tend to let my attention drift to whatever is the most pleasurable thing to do at a given moment regardless of what might be more important in the long run. 

I need to find out some ways to help other people. I have everything I need. Mentoring at Epworth was nice. I am always seeking ways to fill my time. I need to stop being so self-absorbed  

Now that I think about it though, I am a little lonely. I have lost a lot of friends to jobs, relationships, marriage and kids. I can look at the table of good friends I assembled for a Sunday dinners earlier this year - two moved, two have a newborn and another is in a relationship. My roommate will soon be moving to New York and the other moved away a few months ago. I need to take a little time to soak this in. It all sort of happened while I busied myself with work. 

Life Highlights:

Recently promoted to full time at work (nice raise and more interesting work)

just biked over 100 miles from near Columbia to Folly Beach

Road trips to Charleston, Athens, Clemson, Asheville 

Saw a few interesting botanical gardens and plantations in Athens, Charleston and Clemson

To be missed you have to be away for a while... Today was a good reminder

Be careful what you wish for

“The more we reward those things that we can measure, and not reward the things we care about but don’t measure, the more we will distort behavior,” observed Burton Weisbrod, a professor of economics at Northwestern University who was a pioneer in research on the comparative behavior of nonprofit institutions, corporations and government organizations. As Professor Fisman and Mr. Sullivan put it: “If what gets measured is what gets managed, then what gets managed is what gets done.”

Rewarding teachers for how well their students perform on standard math and reading tests will encourage lots of teaching of reading and math, at the expense of other things an education might provide. Private prison operators who bid for government contracts by offering the lowest cost per inmate will most likely focus on cutting costs rather than tightening security. Unsupervised apple pickers who are paid by the apple will probably pick them off the ground.

-NYT 1/15/2013

There are two lessons here. One is to be acutely aware of what you are and are not measuring. The more important, and more subtle point is that it is very important to examine the incentive structure you are creating (the apples analogy above). You will end up with the behavior incentivized by the system you put in place, regardless of how well-intentioned your ideas might have been. 

Now consider Social Security and savings rates, subsides for childbirth and the number of poorly planned pregnancies, federal mortgage guarantees and sloppy mortgage practices, or most anything in government for that matter. It's not to say that government is bad, it's just that it requires very thoughtful planning and dynamic responses - two things that aren't very common in a highly polarized society governed by vote counting legislators  run by government agencies who do not fear the economic consequences of their actions. 

Speed of consumption

I eat, almost like a medieval king at an annual feast - tearing mouthfuls of meat from the bone, huge gulps of wine, swallowing as fast as I can. I do this with everything from a glass of apple juice, to a bar of chocolate. I binge. Music. Technology. Intimate moments. Ideas. It's a pretty pervasive tendency.

I don't stop to let things settle in. I don't let flavors or moments linger. I guess the most accurate word is to savor. I just use whatever is presented before me to make the feeling I don't want, go away. This could be desire, loneliness, boredom, hunger and even positive things too (such as a source of attention). I guess this is making me realize the issue is a little more expansive than a tendency to indulge. I have a tendency to binge and take things to excess. It's not exactly an additive personality, but more a tendency to overdose.

It is also making me realize I tend to appreciate things for what they can do for me rather than what they really are.

This will give me something to work on in the coming weeks and months.

Unfettered regret

yolk slips through the nest
a blue broken robin's egg
oh, what might have been

So much to give

and no where to direct my energy and emotion... I find myself saying this far more frequently that I think is reasonable

Beauty is truth, truth beauty

I think it should be tweaked a bit:

-Beauty is gratitude, and gratitude love.

Each one is bigger, more generous version of the previous.

Women

Time to take a break from chasing the opposite sex. If they want to hang out, that's fine, but I've been wasting too much time lately surrounding myself with mindless company. I haven't spent time doing the things I enjoy or want to do because I have this incessant desire to keep myself accompanied. Sounds like a good 30 day challenge... Starting with the first football game