Self Direction

“Success is getting what you want. Happiness is liking what you get.”

- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

I have made two major mistakes in the past few years. I haven’t really been honest about the things I want, and how my dreams and goals are different from the prototypical suburban American. I have been successful by other people’s standards, but not my own.

The quote below summarizes this problem well:

“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma -- which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”
-Steve Jobs

I need to spend time defining two key areas of my life:

·    What do I truly enjoy doing – what things bring me joy and what are some common themes

·    What are my most basic core principles, and do I live according to them.

The first will be rather easy. I simply need to reflect on the past few years and codify my best experiences. Recognition was the hard part here. Continuing to pursue them in the face of a rather conservative state might be modestly difficult, but that has never really been too much of a problem.

The second part will be much more challenging. It will require work and thought and time. Perhaps that is why I have been avoiding doing it. Perhaps I have been afraid to. I know I have been lazy. The following two quotes from Kant highlight this trouble with unshakling the mind:

“Laziness and cowardice are the reasons why so great a portion of mankind, after nature has long since discharged them from external direction, nevertheless remains under lifelong immaturity, and why it is so easy for others to set themselves up as their guardians. It is so easy not to be of age. If I have a book which understands for me, a pastor who has a conscience for me, a physician who decides my diet, and so forth, I need not trouble myself. I need not think, if I can only pay - others will easily undertake the irksome work for me. That the step to competence is held to be very dangerous by the far greater portion of mankind...”

“Enlightenment is man's release from his self-incurred immaturity. Immaturity is man's inability to make use of his understanding without direction from another. This immaturity is self-imposed when its cause lies not in lack of reason but in lack of resolution and courage to use it without direction from another. Sapere aude! "Have courage to use your own reason!”

There are also dangers of living without clear principles, the biggest is aimlessness and hypocrisy:

“Sometimes we forge our own principles and sometimes we accept others’ principles, or holistic packages of principles, such as religion and legal systems. While it isn’t necessarily a bad thing to use others’ principles—it’s difficult to come up with your own, and often much wisdom has gone into those already created—adopting pre-packaged principles without much thought exposes you to the risk of inconsistency with your true values. Holding incompatible principles can lead to conflict between values and actions—like the hypocrite who has claims to be of a religion yet behaves counter to its teachings. Your principles need to reflect values you really believe in”

-Ray Dalio, Principles

My lack of time spent on core principles is also probably the main culprit for my sense of restlessness. I will plan a weekend away to focus on this and just to write and reflect. I must return to the wilderness.     

_____________________

Reflections on my own life experiences related to the points above:

I feel like I have done things backwards. I have focused on the end goal (wife, family, financial stability) without outlining what type of person I want to be.

I remember the feeling of "what next?" after I left Bridgewater in 2009. I had a great start to my career, had just gone on a 12,000 mile cross country road trip, bought had house, finished my college education with a reasonably respectable degree, own my car, had money in the bank, and was dating a girl I expected to marry at the time. I felt as though I had checked off most of what I wanted to do and was left at a loss. Call it my quarter-life crisis. From there I got a bit creative and slowly checked off a few more things from my bucket list – float down the river for a few days, bike to Charleston, run a marathon, go skydiving. Though none of these were particularly difficult or emotionally/spiritually challenging.  

There was a while where I lived the life I wanted & had a very clear sense of purpose. I worked intently on my home, the community garden, my neighborhood, pushed for local political change, worked diligently towards my personal development, my physical health and had richer relationships with my friends and family because I had the time to spend with them and reflect on where I was weak. I found new hobbies and devoted my time to interesting projects. I felt more free than I ever have. However, others seemed to criticize me or at least look at me disapprovingly for not being on the straight and narrow. Few were able to share in the joy of my uncommon situation. I let this shape my choices and my current situation is the result.

Since grad school, I have, for the most part, spent the past two years doing all the things I needed to do to advance my career and have forgotten to save time for the things that I enjoy. I left my hobbies: I quit watching film, I quit traveling. Generally, I quit being weird. Lately, I have noticed that even my circle of friends has begun to dwindle. While a lot of this is because of life circumstances (marriage, new jobs, kids, graduation, ect) I think part of it is my fault – I haven’t been living a very interesting and rich life and bringing in new minds and faces into my inner circle.

About two weeks ago I made a few concrete steps toward remedying this situation. I found a running group, a weekly cycling ride and a pickup game for ultimate Frisbee. I called a bunch of old friends to schedule dinner and reconnect. These social outlets are important and make me feel alive. This things are fun, but I would also probably benefit from more focused cultivation of my activities – plan regular adventures, continue to reach out to friends (don’t wait for them to reach out), be more courageous about attending events I am interested in even if I can’t find people who want to go. Be more honest with myself about the things I enjoy even if others may find them odd (couchsurfing, visiting new spiritual communities, estate sales, ect).