Spiritual Malaise

I have noticed a distinct lack of "passion" in my life lately. I have felt a general disinterest in most things. Right now I feel a general spiritual malaise. Sarte called it "the nausea" - a palpable weight on my soul, that I carry around. I am not sure if this is because I have an aversion to routine and I am in a very normal 9-5 job, because I have all of my biological needs (food, sleep, sex, shelter) met with little stress and applied effort  (I think hunger in the specific and in the broad sense is a good thing), or if I am coming to the same conclusion as Ecclesiasties that I will find less and less happiness as I age (I have certainly embraced the concept that life is inherently meaningless [and that purpose is what we create in the lack of this meaning]), if it's just a normal cycle of my hypomania, or a normal withdrawal from caffeine and to some degree alcohol, or this is in fact a normal response to the life I am currently living (one that while covering all of my basic life needs is, to use an economic term, far from my potential output).

 

I supposed I should attack them systematically:

• Aversion to routine: I do in fact despise the routinized life so common in corporate America. I have only been here and I have altered my daily habits at least a dozen times. I tried new restaurants every day during lunch, I biked to work, I started eating a big breakfast and working out during lunch. I met friends for happy hour after work. I started to read after work. I started to meditate during lunch. I started to read during lunch. I worked late. I started waking up earlier. I enjoy novelty. It is the one thing that makes me excited. Just running through a new neighborhood in the morning and seeing how other live their lives is often enough to cheer me up for bit. I guess this what it means is that I need to make an effort in both life and my job to meet new people and see new things to whatever extent I am able. I am not doing this now.
• Biologically satiated- I think experiencing the elements, going hungry and having an unmet sex drive is good. It seems to motivate me to improve my condition instead of "going soft" in the padded seats, AC, and munching on good food all day. I think Epicurus was right.
• Life gets boring with age - well, being 27, I can say that the trajectory of my life confirms the general trend, but I am too young to speak with any experience. I am also not sure if the dry, boring life I am living now is more a result of conformity and having let social norms beat out most aspects of individuality (through embarrassment, by dangling capital in my face, by succumbing to the expectations of women I encountered) I might have clung to as a child. It does seem rather obvious that the more you try things the less interesting they will be, but I am also convinced that with the almost infinite array of diversity in the world (among people, geography, art, and plants... all ranging from the microscopic to the scale of galaxies... each with an infinite number of theories and models for processing, understanding and predicting how things will flow through time) that I should be able to find a ceaseless stream of gratitude and a deep deep well of amazement to draw from and drink it's cool waters. Verdict: to be determined. Would probably be good to take an informal survey of my older friends to get their opinion on this (note to self: make sure to get a real view and not an idealized version). 
• Seasonal mood fluctuation - possible, need better documentation, consult with friends, read scientific literature. No real insight here other than these things seem to be moderated by exercise, sleep and a good diet, all of which I have.
• Caffeine - plays a stronger role than I would like on my mood. I do feel quite happy when I drink it. There is a noticeable absence when I don't. Life is probably better without it. If i do use it, it should only be recreational and not a part of my daily routine (other than maybe decaf as a digestive aide).
• Normal Response to current situation - I think there is merit here. I recently had a phone interview with a firm from London and was quite excited by the prospect of a new job in a new place that would challenge me and give me time to travel and work with people. I need to reflect more on what I really want and where I am systematically missing out on these things in my current phase of life.
• I haven't been to any new clubs/groups, pursued any new hobbies, locations, or even dates in a while. This has partly been because I have not wanted my happiness to be contingent upon my circumstances (I have this strange desire to create a worldview that I could apply even if I were in a wheelchair in a nursing home - it just seems more honest since that is a very real possibility one day) so I have been trying to find contentment in my ordinary day-to-day life. Though this seems to be selling myself short if I am capable of doing things I would enjoy and am forcing myself to forego them. At a minimum I should be reading the free times more and going to events that look interesting. I should actively be expanding my circle of friends. I should be taking time at least one afternoon a week to enjoy my hobbies and carry out projects I have been wanting to for a while (particularly a few photo-essays on things around Columbia). I need to get involved with the service groups I looked into last week.     

This plan makes me a feel a tad better. I think I just gave myself something to look forward to in the coming weeks. I have a little smile on my face...