As always Wikipedia is on point: "Materialism (adj. materialistic) is the excessive desire to consume and acquire material goods. It is often bound up with a value system which regards social status as being determined by affluence (see conspicuous consumption) as well as the perception that happiness can be increased through buying, spending and accumulating material wealth."
Friday, December 16, 2011
As always Wikipedia is on point: "Materialism (adj. materialistic) is the excessive desire to consume and acquire material goods. It is often bound up with a value system which regards social status as being determined by affluence (see conspicuous consumption) as well as the perception that happiness can be increased through buying, spending and accumulating material wealth."
Monday, December 05, 2011
I guess I let the music do the feeling for me
cause numb is easy to deal with
and this medicine makes it effortless
I do try, I really do
but I have to just laugh at myself sometimes
I am totally, emotionally clueless
Ideas make me smile so much more
I am taking a break for a while
from feeling
from the meds
from people
Just going in the woods for a while
to sit
like a good little Buddhist
breathe a little easier
______
I am back off of the meds, and back to my old habits. I sat in bed all day Saturday just recooping from a few nights out. I needed to study, but I feel confident I can wing it. I feel less of the other emotions and feel my own again. The swirling thoughts, the constant ideas, the chatter. I missed it. It's like an old friend. I felt unfaithful. It's a different set of feelings. I feel like it is firework and sparks going off and an occasional mental equivalent of a cold winter wind. The annoying side effect is also gone. I feel my RAWRRR for life coming back though. My excitement, my fast talking, my passion, my eat shit grin. I really do like who I am even if it is more difficult for people to deal with me.
On the meds I felt the sort of powerful, overwhelming feelings I always read about in books and heard people talk about. They are nice, I am glad I experienced them, but I just have my own way of processing the world. I am used to it. I have been on the meds a month and I am going to take about that long off of them since I have a break from school. I think I can do finals without them. I didn't like feeling like someone had popped me in the head with a bat. I just sat there and smiled and nodded. It could certainly be good in some situations though.
I am a little emotionally detached after two awkward moments this past weekend with people I cared about and I just sort of turned everything off. I really don't care to think about it - I really don't know how I feel about it I just decided, for once, to not think about it. I did find I was able to control myself very well emotionally. I just kept saying - "it's not productive. I don't want to talk about it" - and I didn't. It put it behind me and don't really dwell on it. I am just leaning on my instinct/intuition a little more and not second guessing it and reevaluating it. I feel at peace with things, but it's a very different feeling than before. Playing with one's head is a strange business.
On more practical matters, I am studying, but distracted. I still get stuff done though. Procrastination isn't a terrible thing.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
One week later...
Wednesday, November 09, 2011
Hi Mom
Saturday, November 05, 2011
I'm not supposed to still care, and if I do, things are supposed to work out like a fairy tale right?
No. Things happen. People are separated. Some people will end up happier than others. She's a sweet girl. I wish her the best.
Thursday, November 03, 2011
Tuesday, November 01, 2011
Aloneness
As usual I did most of the talking, but one thing she said was pretty helpful. I talked about how close I had felt and how I hadn't dated anyone for a long time before that and she said "it must have been hard to be that close to someone, to feel that level of acceptance and then lose it."
Yes it was.
I have been trying to get at the heart of it for a while - why that breakup bothered me so much. I had said a while back that I felt like I had been rejected by my mom when it was over, but never really reflected on what that meant. I think what I felt in that relationship was acceptance like I had never felt before. I knew my mom unconditionally loved me, but I never opened up to her like I did in that relationship. I was honest with Chris in ways that I hadn't been with anyone else. I showed her sides of me that I hadn't really shown anyone else. I was honest with her about my fears and my worries and hopes and dreams. I felt like she understood me and loved me for who I was (even in spite of the fact that I didn't show her the better, thoughtful, more sensitive side of me, (and a little scared too) which I only showed only towards the end when she pushed me away). I also thought in many ways she was a "better" person than me (by that I mean more sensitive to the needs of other - I have always felt a little self absorbed) and was just left with a ton of self doubt when it ended. Especially after trying harder than I had at anything else in my life and still failing. Not only did I feel the lack of intimacy (and have no one to share my thoughts with) I also felt like I had been rejected by the one person who knew me best. I felt completely alone - and then proceeded to run like hell from it.
Well I have already learned one very valuable lesson from that. I have to accept myself - but this is only the first step.
After taking my Buddhism class, and reflecting on attachment, I have noticed that I am scared shitless of being alone. I think this is more primal than self acceptance. My life revolves around the company of others - even innane company. I surround myself with people - even people I might not even want to be around at times, just to not face being by myself. I tend to cover myself, almost like a blanket, with people. This is at the heart of why that breakup hurt so much and why I have been bouncing from half ass relationship to half ass relationship for the past year, why I am constantly downtown, why I don't live in the country among other things - it has shaped me more than I want to admit - how I present myself, and what I do. As much as I might have acknowledged I am different and an internally ok with my conclusions, I am often afraid to share them with others.
I must face this head on. I took a trip like this last year to get clarity on my spiritual views and it was incredibly helpful. It is now time to do that so I can be fully comfortable in my own skin.
I want to be able to smile at the world and not care if they don't smile back.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Gender Roles
_____
I found this to be one of the most interesting chapters in the book.
I think the socially placed gender roles (particularly prevelant in the South) have dramatically shaped my life more that I would have liked. Unfortunately I eschewed many traditional "female" activities at the expense of my own happiness (gardening, artistic endeavors, cooking). I think that there are some clear biological differences in the sexes (some are highlighted in the tragic and unfortunate case of David Reimer - here is an interesting documentary here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUTcwqR4Q4Y&feature=related) but the extent that we impose these views on children overreaches by any reasonable measure. I think it is also important to remember that in aggregate there may be differences between the sexes in terms of things like aggressiveness or verbal acuity, but the individual differences with in a given sex are so extreme that their utility marginal when applied to any to any single real person.
There is an interesting case in Toronto that I came across earlier this year. I posted it on Facebook and had a healthy discussion with several friends about it.
Parents Won't Reveal Gender of 4-Month-Old
I think gender roles are similar to childhood traditions like Santa and the Easter Bunny. I have long said I doubt I will teach my children to "believe" in Santa and the Easter Bunny because I think it does more harm than good to lie to children and have them believe things that are not real. This does not however mean that I cannot teach them about the stories or that they are prevented from enjoying them. They are important in popular culture and to ignore them would be a disservice. I think that in general gender roles might need to fall into this bucket too. Children should be free to enjoy the things they enjoy without any pressure from others. Unfortunately the world is cruel and will try to get them to conform. Hopefully they can still enjoy life in the face of these things.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
The "ADHD Personality": Its Cognitive, Biological, and Evolutionary Foundations
"The trick, for each person, is to find niches within their environment that play to their strengths rather than to their weaknesses. In general, people who are highly controlled are great in jobs that require lots of reflection and relatively little action, and people who are highly impulsive are great in jobs that require lots of action with relatively little time for reflection. This has nothing to do with degree of intelligence. You can be intelligent and impulsive, making terrific snap judgments; and you can also be intelligent and reflective, making good judgments after thinking things through very carefully."
Here is the original article.
I am a pretty textbook case, and it's interesting to see how my past has been pretty drastically altered by the common traits shared by others with ADHD. I think the awareness of this is most important part. One, so I understand myself and don't have to feel guilty about who I am and two, so I am able to warn people and they can better accommodate me and adjust their expectations for my behavior and what my known weaknesses are.
For instance, if someone had a friend with a bad knee and they wanted him to come along on some camping/hiking trip they would in some ways have to plan the trip around his ability to walk. I think this is similar. I am just not capable of doing some things that others can and I think the best approach is to work with what I am given because there are also some clear benefits to ADD that I enjoy (he highlights some in the article). I also consider these aspects to be essential to who I am - aversion to small talk, my periods of "hyperfocus", how quickly I let go of anger, how I am always searching for improvement, my high level of energy. They all have a negative aspect too, but I am ok with who I am (except for the part where I am sort with people I care about and how I have trouble having linear conversations.
I think the general point is that I should find a lifestyle that works with who I am and to use medication when necessary (say for boring tasks like studying or writing a long paper) but in general I think I would be fighting an unwinnable battle if I try to change my entire way of thinking/being simply to fit in.
Which is exactly why the put ADD "personality" in the title in quotation marks. The point was to draw attention to the fact that maybe it should treated like that instead of a full blown disease.
Good book on ADHD and my reflections
It's just so hard to read this book, look back at my life and many of my biggest problems, and see the similarities between my own life and the stories of those shared on each page. I see myself now and cannot help but look back to all the situations where I have been socially awkward, late, forgetful, antsy, hurt people I cared about, stressed myself out for no reason, and struggled in areas where I should't have had to. It just seems so improbable that they could all be tied to this single issue.
I still don't know if I will find a pharmacological or therapeutic solution to the issue either so I guess I m rather hesitant to throw my attention towards change rather than just accepting who I am and being more clear with others about the disconnect between my desires and actions and the level of understanding that is needed when bring my friend. I like me and would rather just find people who like me too rather than trying to do what I need to do fit in more easily with others and in the "professional" world.
That being said, the biggest appeal of the drugs is not increased academic or work performance. I don't think I would start them if that was the reason. After reading/talking/reflecting I feel like the potential for clarity in my thoughts is too appealing to pass up. My biggest desire has been to sedate my restless, wandering spirit and find lasting meaning and purpose. I want to be able to be happy with the situations I am in and with the people I have in my life. I want to be able to control my emotions and express myself clearly. I want to be able to set my mind to do things, think it through as far as I can without getting distracted, and then be satisfied with my decision.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Self Medicating
I am pretty impressed with this little guy.
Below are excerpts from two VERY interesting articles on nicotine. The key points are below....
__________
"Behavior inhibition was significantly improved by nicotine compared with placebo in the HI group and impaired by mecamylamine in the CTRL group. Go signal reaction time on the stop signal task was improved by nicotine compared with placebo in the CTRL group and was unchanged in both groups on the choice reaction time test.
"Thus, self-administered nicotine induces a persistent amplification in the brain's sensitivity to rewarding stimuli, an action of nicotine that appears fundamentally different from the long-term actions of other drugs of abuse such as cocaine (Markou and Koob, 1991; Ahmed et al, 2002; Kenny et al, 2003) or heroin (Kenny, Chen, Markou, and Koob, unpublished observations) that usually results in long-term compensatory decreases in the activity of brain reward systems during the early abstinence period."
___________
Anyway... If the mechanism works the same way in humans I think this would explain why nicotine works so well for those with ADHD. Nicotine actually makes less interesting tasks bearable by reducing the reward sensitivity. It would also in part explain the reduction in impulsive behavior in people given they don't have to constantly seek things which will stimulate them.
In any case I have ordered some nicotine gum and plan to self-administer 4mg a day and closely monitory my results.
Keeping my fingers crossed....
Update: 6/27/2012
I tried this for one week, and noticed a very relaxing effect, but after seeing other smokers and hearing of withdrawal problems I decided I did not want to get hooked and quit self-administering.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Everyone else is in groups and I am by myself. I have always done things this way and honestly I have never been able to get much help from group study other than keeping me motivated. I typically have trouble articulating my questions when I am confused and if I have just learned something I usually can't explain it very well and end up confusing everyone more than helping them.
I also wonder if my personality has made it difficult for others to want to be around me. I know as a child it was probably this way and I wonder if it still is or if I have just adapted to doing things by myself...
Googled some stuff, which didn't help my mood....
_____
Went to the psychiatrist today. Scheduled appointments for counseling and signed up to join a group with others who have ADD to help coach some basic skills. I read a lot about Strattera (what they will probably put me on) and the other other class of drugs like Adderall (mostly stimulants).
It seems like we have a long way to go, but the effectiveness of the drugs is pretty amazing given the total lack of specificity of the drugs on the particular regions of the brain - essentially it increases concentrations of norepinephrine (which does a ton of different things in the body from controlling heart rate to the flight or fight response - norepinephrine is a precursor to epinephrine which is adrenaline) by preventing the body from reabsorbing it - thus increasing the concentration in the blood. Stimulants to this and also for dopamine (which is why they are addictive and subject to abuse).
Anyway, I feel glad I am making steps to deal with it regardless of what path I choose. I also feel better now that I have included my parents in the decision.
Monday, October 24, 2011
On our own terms...
was just going through some notes and thought it was worth sharing....
------
" I apply the tools of econometrics a few times a year, but I apply my
knowledge of the purpose of my life every day. It's the single most
useful thing I've ever learned. I promise my students that if they
take the time to figure out their life purpose, they'll look back on
it as the most important thing they discovered at HBS. If they don't
figure it out, they will just sail off without a rudder and get
buffeted in the very rough seas of life. Clarity about their purpose
will trump knowledge of activity-based costing, balanced scorecards,
core competence, disruptive innovation, the four Ps, and the five
forces."
-----
When people who have a high need for achievement—and that includes all
Harvard Business School graduates—have an extra half hour of time or
an extra ounce of energy, they'll unconsciously allocate it to
activities that yield the most tangible accomplishments. And our
careers provide the most concrete evidence that we're moving
forward.You ship a product, finish a design, complete a presentation,
close a sale, teach a class, publish a paper, get paid, get promoted.
In contrast, investing time and energy in your relationship with your
spouse and children typically doesn't offer that same immediate sense
of achievement. Kids misbehave every day. It's really not until 20
years down the road that you can put your hands on your hips and say,
"I raised a good son or a good daughter." You can neglect your
relationship with your spouse, and on a day-to-day basis, it doesn't
seem as if things are deteriorating. People who are driven to excel
have this unconscious propensity to underinvest in their families and
overinvest in their careers—even though intimate and loving
relationships with their families are the most powerful and enduring
source of happiness.
-----
I have a pretty clear idea of how my ideas have generated enormous
revenue for companies that have used my research; I know I've had a
substantial impact. But as I've confronted this disease, it's been
interesting to see how unimportant that impact is to me now. I've
concluded that the metric by which God will assess my life isn't
dollars but the individual people whose lives I've touched.
I think that's the way it will work for us all. Don't worry about the
level of individual prominence you have achieved; worry about the
individuals you have helped become better people. This is my final
recommendation: Think about the metric by which your life will be
judged, and make a resolution to live every day so that in the end,
your life will be judged a success.
-----
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
- Emotion: managing frustration and modulating emotions. Although DSM-IV does not recognize any symptoms related to the management of emotion as an aspect of ADHD, many with this disorder describe chronic difficulties managing frustration, anger, worry, disappointment, desire, and other emotions. They speak as though these emotions, when experienced, take over their thinking as a computer virus invades a computer, making it impossible for them give attention to anything else. They find it very difficult to get the emotion into perspective, to put it to the back of their mind, and to get on with what they need to do.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Or to quote Mr.Neruda... "Forgetting lasts so long"
Yes it does... but I feel like I have made lot of progress...
---
In other news I also decided to go get formally screened for ADD at the university counseling center which should lead to a visit to the psychiatrist and then a prescription. This route will be free, and given that, I I can't see the harm in trying the medication for a short while. I had a long conversation today with a friend (who is about 6 years older than me) who just decided to start medication. We both had common fears about personality/addiction as well as dissatisfaction with our current level of productivity. This along with the obvious fact that it has been studied by thousands for decades was enough to assuage my doubts.
People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world your best and it may not be enough. Give your best anyway. In the end it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
-Mother Teresa
Reflections on managing ADD / ADHD without medication....
I guess this means I should probably be rather diligent over the next few months as I devise a plan (exercise, diet, coffee, more lists/structure) to manage the things I need to do in life before I turn to medication. It also explicitly stated what I have been doing all along with the help of technology like the iPhone and other products from Google (auto reminder calendar emails, persistent alarms) . I would be lost without the things they have provided.
____
Update: 2/12/2013
Exercise helps tremendously. Cardio and yoga (at least from the research I encountered and my own personal experience) have much more profound effects on my sleep, focus and mood. I do not think it is merely a coincidence that exercise and stimulant meds both release dopamine and have similar effects. It also makes a lot of intuitive sense that dopamine is related to pleasure and might serve to make less pleasurable (ie boring) tasks more enjoyable, or at least bearable. I also feel like I have pent up energy and when I don't release it, that it exits my body in the form of over-activity or in repetitive movements like rocking, foot tapping or bouncing my legs while sitting. When I exercise I deplete these stores of energy and can be a little more relaxed.
I also benefitted from my rather odd spiritual journey which led me to attend both Buddhist (Soto-Zen and Kadampa) and an unprogrammed Quaker service. They both heavily feature silence/meditation as part of their services. The process of not pursing a train of though, letting other thoughts bubble up and then finding a quiet stillness within has helped me in daily life. If one can control the mind, the body is simply an afterthought. Being able to sit quietly and find peace is a precursor to most other lasting forms of happiness. Otherwise we are going to just continue to see activities to avoid this rather natural state of being.
Coffee does help, but it's only good for short periods of time. It pushes my mind beyond it's normal limits leaving me a bit weary, but at the same time interrupting my normal sleep patterns. This is fine for a day or two if I have an important project to work on, but I don't think it should be an everyday thing (nor do I need the horsepower coffee provides on a daily basis). Along these lines abstaining from alcohol, Facebook and sex (each for 30 days) gave me some additional insight into what causes my distracted mind. The incessant quest for the opposite sex (probably for intercourse and a shot of dopamine), the stream of status updates (talk about a positive behavioral re-enforcer and a perpetual distraction from reality and those around me - it became a way to plug the hole of boredom), and the numbing of my mind by alcohol to slow the stream of thoughts. They all are fine, but if used on a daily basis they begin to exacerbate my own inability to focus.
I also modified my diet, taking basic advice from the glycemic index tables. They were really revealing as some of the effects on blood sugar are rather unexpected. Fruits, while loaded with sugars, tend to only raise blood sugar by about half the amount of refined grains. I now make sure to use these high GI foods sparingly and try to eat meals that won't leave me feeling drowsy (I can't get any work doing this). At my old job I would often eat a meal that would leave me drowsy, then I would load up on caffeine in the afternoon which would leave my mind racing (to the point that I couldn't keep up or do anything) and then I would also be left, as I mentioned above, with an interrupted sleep patterns. It was all a very vicious cycle.
___
Yes, my mind is all over the place now, and initially it was a bit overwhelming to go back to the old me. I don't mind that now though. I am just glad to know how other people might perceive me and what and what it might be like for them to carry on a conversation with me. I am back to the old me, with no long-term impacts outside of a fresh perspective on things.
Separately, it is also quite expensive without health insurance which was another big consideration. I might even retry it again if it becomes generic in a few years, which is planned.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
ADD
adjusting my dosing of coffee (a half cup seems to work best) but I
really don't like how it affects my sleeping patterns. Exercise seems
to work well, but I'm never motivated to be consistent. I am also
considering taking Adderall, but since it has similar effects it's
also probably going to result in the same thing. I also don't like how
coffee cuts me off from my emotions. I feel less when I drink it. I
feel disconnected from people. Productive, but disconnected. It's a
tradeoff. I'll have to calculate the benefits over time.
In any case, I don't think I'd want a daily rx, and the additive
properties, and subsequently higher dosing also concern me.
I'm also curious what sort of effects it will have on my personality.
I like who I am now and don't want to be someone else because of my
attention deficit problems.
Monday, October 03, 2011
Excerpts from the Meeting
"No cool philosophy to teach
Its bland audacities of speech
To double-tasked idolaters
Themselves their gods and worshippers,
No pulpit hammered by the fist
Of loud-asserting dogmatist,
I know how well the fathers taught,
What work the later schoolmen wrought;
I reverence old time faith and men,
But God is near us now as then;
His force of love is still unspent,
His hate of sin as imminent;
And still the measure of our needs,
Outgrows the cramping bounds of creeds;
The manna gathered yesterday
Already savors of decay;"
"God should be most where man is least:
So, where is neither church nor priest,
And never rag nor form of creed
To clothe the nakedness of need,--
Where farmer folk in silence meet,--
I turn my bell-unsummoned feet;
I lay the critic's glass aside,
I tread upon my lettered pride,
And, lowest-seated, testify
To the oneness of humanity;
Confess the universal want,
And share whatever Heaven may grant.
He findeth not who seeks his own,
The soul is lost that's saved alone"
.....
Not everyone who says to me "Lord, Lord," will enter the kingdom of heaven; but he who does the will of my Father in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, "Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name cast out demons, and in your name perform many wonders?" and then I will declare to them, "I never knew you: Depart from me, you who practice wickedness."
This is, incidentally, the same passage where Jesus warns his followers to "judge a tree by its fruits," that is, not by their words or affirmations of some doctrinal orthodoxy. (7:15-19).
--------
The Religious Society of Friends is... "an alternative Christianity which emphasizes the personal experience of God in one's life. Quakers understand the necessity of first listening to God before working in the world. They affirm the equality of all people before God regardless of race, station in life, or sex and this belief leads them into a range of social concerns. Being "Children of the Light" they find recourse to violence intolerable. Quaker thought is both mystical (waiting upon God) and prophetic (speaking truth to power). Friends believe that God's revelation is still continuing, that God is not absent or unknowable but that we can find God ourselves and establish a living relationship thus being able to live in the world free from the burden and guilt of sin. It is the search for a closer relationship with God who is the Way. Religious knowledge, like the appreciation of beauty, is not attained by a logical process of thought but by experience and feeling. Quakers maintain that the teaching of Jesus is a practical method for the guidance of the world today, that religion is concerned with the whole of life, and that, beyond a certain point, definition becomes a limitation."
Maybe Neitzche was a Quaker....
Monday, September 26, 2011
Distractions from Homework
He noted that once the delinquent’s aggressive impulses had exhausted themselves, the repressed longing for love and tenderness which he believed remained dormant in these young people began to manifest itself once more. Previously aggressive boys became tearful and more vulnerable, at which point Aichhorn encouraged his staff, each working with a specific group of boys, to take on a more demanding attitude to those in their care. In Aichhorn’s terms, a positive transference – a strong, positive emotional relationship – began to develop with the young person’s worker, who was now in a position to guide the young person to takes the steps in psychic growth that had not occurred in the early years:
“It is above all the tender feeling for the teacher that gives the pupil the incentive to do what is prescribed and not to do what is forbidden. The teacher, as libidinally charged object for the pupil, offers traits for identification that bring about a lasting change in the structure of the ego-ideal.”
______
While reading the same article, I ended up discovering two interesting versions of manhood in 19th century Britain....
The Flaneur and the Dandy
Here are a few choice quotes from each:
"A dandy is a man who places particular importance upon physical appearance, refined language, and leisurely hobbies, pursued with the appearance of nonchalance in a cult of Self. Historically, especially in late 18th- and early 19th-century Britain, a dandy, who was self-made, often strove to imitate an aristocratic lifestyle despite coming from a middle-class background."
"Charles Baudelaire, in the later, "metaphysical" phase of dandyism defined the dandy as one who elevates æsthetics to a living religion,] that the dandy's mere existence reproaches the responsible citizen of the middle class: "Dandyism in certain respects comes close to spirituality and to stoicism" and "These beings have no other status, but that of cultivating the idea of beauty in their own persons, of satisfying their passions, of feeling and thinking .... Contrary to what many thoughtless people seem to believe, dandyism is not even an excessive delight in clothes and material elegance. For the perfect dandy, these things are no more than the symbol of the aristocratic superiority of his mind.""
"The observer-participant dialectic is evidenced in part by the dandy culture. Highly self-aware, and to a certain degree flamboyant and theatrical, dandies of the mid-nineteenth century created scenes through outrageous acts like walking turtles on leashes down the streets of Paris. Such acts exemplify a flâneur's active participation in and fascination with street life while displaying a critical attitude towards the uniformity, speed, and anonymity of modern life in the city."
"a derived meaning of flâneur—that of "a person who walks the city in order to experience it"."
"Flâneur is not limited to someone committing the physical act of peripatetic stroll, but can also include a "complete philosophical way of living and thinking", and a process of navigating erudition"
"characterized the flâneur as a "gentleman stroller of city streets",he saw the flâneur as having a key role in understanding, participating in and portraying the city. A flâneur thus played a double role in city life and in theory, that is, while remaining a detached observer. This stance, simultaneously part of and apart from, combines sociological, anthropological, literary and historical notions of the relationship between the individual and the greater populace."
I also really like the parallel to modern life
"The flâneur's tendency toward detached but aesthetically attuned observation has brought the term into the literature of photography, particularly street photography. The street photographer is seen as one modern extension of the urban observer described by nineteenth century journalist Victor Fournel before the advent of the hand-held camera:"
And thus, my fate....
"Baudelaire would be torn the rest of his life between the stances of flâneur and dandy, a disengaged and cynical voyeur on the one hand, and man of the people who enters into the life of his subjects with passion on the other"
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
My gripe with UU's
In their desire for social justice, I feel like they focus on all the crap that is wrong with society (unemployment, poverty, war, issues of racial inequality) and though it will certainly help people temporarily feel better, it's a spiritual dead end. It won't bring lasting satisfaction. In fact, most of the people who we are fighting for have plenty of reasons to be happy - not to complain. I don't mean to discount these things (because they are important) I just think that if I could wave a magic wand and create the economic and social conditions most in the UU profess, they would just live in slightly smaller, litter-free, ecologically sound homes with a rainbow flag for their gay neighbors, be healthier because they bike more, grow their own food and are vegetarian but be just as unhappy because their lives lack a deeply felt sense of purpose and meaning. I don't think this social and ecological harmony is going to alleviate the existential angst many carry around.
What I hope to find in my congregation is not social justice (though it's important). I want a source (or at least a path) to lasting peace that I can share with others. At a minimum I want to be part of a community that is working to help each member work towards this INDIVIDUAL goal - not one that goes around telling the rest of the world what they need to do better. In fact, I think if we did a better job of focusing on being happy with our own lot (and finding deep lasting peace) I think the world would be more likely to end up doing what we wanted out of a simple desire to share in the same source of peace.
I feel the most benefit will come from a transformation of the mind rather than of the pocketbook (that's why I go to the UU). Inner peace (specifically contentment with ones circumstances) will do more for our society than this never ending desire to promote economic growth or education at the expense of our environment, liberties and overall sanity. Though, at the same time, I certainly recognize an individual's right to pursue these things, even if *I* feel they won't make them happy. I think that's what everyone else fails to remember and it's at the heart of what UU is supposed to be about.
Here is a comedic take on the same idea:
The Secret to Happiness is to be Thankful
Jill Bolte Taylor's stroke of insight
Her overall point is that this analysis tends to be isolating and when we simply experience things, we realize the interconnectedness of each of us. She also wanted to share the peace that can arise from this state of mind. I think there is a lot of truth in that and is what I am seeking to find through meditation. I am not so sure we need to completely end all processing, but I do think the chatter does tend to create more confusion than peace. The struggle is to winnow the thoughts down and to find a calm, clear voice amongst all the noise and distraction.
Separately, it's also interesting how she mentions she wasn't going to "be the choreographer of her own life" anymore. I have a little personal research project that I will be looking at over the coming weeks/months to understand how unexpected trauma that drastically changes the expectation of the future (breakups, deaths, financial ruin) leads to personal change. Essentially instances where you imagine the future to be one way, you realize it won't be and then you must come to terms with the new reality (and admit to others that you were wrong or that you have had to let go of a dream that was deeply attached to your identity). I think the fear of isloation/ridicule/ruin and uncertainty in these events is only surpassed by the relative indifference (or understanding) of others. I also think they tend to be the most liberating points in life and the periods of the most personal growth as we are forced to admit things we might not otherwise admit if we weren't in a state of openness.
Monday, September 12, 2011
have been able to get by without expending much more than an ounce of
effort my entire life (with a few, very notable exceptions) and am
usually able to talk my way out of problems I get myself into (or come
up with creative strategies for dealing with and/or marketing them). I
am not sure if this will ever change (probably because I really want a
stress-free lifestyle and like the challenge of getting by on my wits
but I do feel like I needed to be honest about it. I also might want
to consider applying a little more structure and planning to
accomplish (or cultivate) the things I deeply care about.
Monday, September 05, 2011
have someone to share my feelings with. It's really nice having
someone at the end of the day that I know will listen and care and
help me work through problems that are troubling me.
Separately, I was just reflecting on how many of the recent changes in
my life might have been spurred my my own father's mortality. I never
really opened up to my parents (we just didn't talk about feeling at
all) but I guess on a very basic, childlike level I do want him to
know who I am and to accept me and be proud of me. It's interesting
how much that relationship has shaped my life and how hard it's caused
me to work to prove this or that.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Psychoanalyzed
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Love
- Society's preoccupation with "passionate love"
- Accepting my lack of passion (I don't generally have emotions that are that intense)
- More focus on commitment (I never thought I would be the one wanting stability, but I want someone I can rely on). It is something I expected passion to take care of in the past.
- Looking for people who can truly be emotionally intimate (this is the most important aspect for me)
- People who can trust and that I can trust
Freud, Anxiety and the Ego
It fits nicely with what I was reading about in the Tantra book. The conflict between the three is referred to as the "inherently duslistic mind." < This perpetual state of confusion/internal conflict doesn't seem very surprising when considered from this perspective.
The id, the ego, and the superego
Freudian psychological reality begins with the world, full of objects. Among them is a very special object, the organism. The organism is special in that it acts to survive and reproduce, and it is guided toward those ends by its needs -- hunger, thirst, the avoidance of pain, and sex.
A part -- a very important part -- of the organism is the nervous system, which has as one of its characteristics a sensitivity to the organism's needs. At birth, that nervous system is little more than that of any other animal, an "it" or id. The nervous system, as id, translates the organism's needs into motivational forces called, in German,Triebe, which has been translated as instincts or drives. Freud also called themwishes. This translation from need to wish is called the primary process.
The id works in keeping with the pleasure principle, which can be understood as a demand to take care of needs immediately. Just picture the hungry infant, screaming itself blue. It doesn't "know" what it wants in any adult sense; it just knows that it wants it and it wants it now. The infant, in the Freudian view, is pure, or nearly pure id. And the id is nothing if not the psychic representative of biology.
Unfortunately, although a wish for food, such as the image of a juicy steak, might be enough to satisfy the id, it isn't enough to satisfy the organism. The need only gets stronger, and the wishes just keep coming. You may have noticed that, when you haven't satisfied some need, such as the need for food, it begins to demand more and more of your attention, until there comes a point where you can't think of anything else. This is the wish or drive breaking into consciousness.
Luckily for the organism, there is that small portion of the mind we discussed before, the conscious, that is hooked up to the world through the senses. Around this little bit of consciousness, during the first year of a child's life, some of the "it" becomes "I," some of the id becomes ego. The ego relates the organism to reality by means of its consciousness, and it searches for objects to satisfy the wishes that id creates to represent the organisms needs. This problem-solving activity is called the secondary process.
The ego, unlike the id, functions according to the reality principle, which says "take care of a need as soon as an appropriate object is found." It represents reality and, to a considerable extent, reason.
However, as the ego struggles to keep the id (and, ultimately, the organism) happy, it meets with obstacles in the world. It occasionally meets with objects that actually assist it in attaining its goals. And it keeps a record of these obstacles and aides. In particular, it keeps track of the rewards and punishments meted out by two of the most influential objects in the world of the child -- mom and dad. This record of things to avoid and strategies to take becomes the superego. It is not completed until about seven years of age. In some people, it never is completed.
There are two aspects to the superego: One is the conscience, which is an internalization of punishments and warnings. The other is called the ego ideal. It derives from rewards and positive models presented to the child. The conscience and ego ideal communicate their requirements to the ego with feelings like pride, shame, and guilt.
It is as if we acquired, in childhood, a new set of needs and accompanying wishes, this time of social rather than biological origins. Unfortunately, these new wishes can easily conflict with the ones from the id. You see, the superego represents society, and society often wants nothing better than to have you never satisfy your needs at all!
Freud saw all human behavior as motivated by the drives or instincts, which in turn are the neurological representations of physical needs. At first, he referred to them as the life instincts. These instincts perpetuate (a) the life of the individual, by motivating him or her to seek food and water and avoid pain, and (b) the life of the species, by motivating him or her to have sex. The motivational energy of these life instincts, the "oomph" that powers our psyches, he called libido, from the Latin word for "I desire."
Freud's clinical experience led him to view sex as much more important in the dynamics of the psyche than other needs. We are, after all, social creatures, and sex is the most social of needs. Plus, we have to remember that Freud included much more than intercourse in the term sex! Any desire to touch or be touched was included. Anyway, libido has come to mean, not any old drive, but the sex drive.
Freud once said "life is not easy!"
The ego - the "I" - sits at the center of some pretty powerful forces: society, as represented by the superego; biology, as represented by the id; and reality. When these make conflicting demands upon the poor ego, it is understandable if the ego feels threatened, feels overwhelmed, feels as if it were about to collapse under the weight of it all. This feeling is called anxiety, and it serves as a signal to the ego that its survival, and with it the survival of the whole organism, is in jeopardy.
The ego deals with the demands of reality, the id, and the superego as best as it can. But when the anxiety becomes overwhelming, the ego must defend itself. It does so by unconsciously blocking the impulses or distorting them into a more acceptable, less threatening form. The techniques the ego uses are called the ego defense mechanisms.
me from following a line if thought for more than a few moments. If I let these tendencies go unchecked there will be little hope of clarity.
I have been reading a book on Buddhist Tantra the past two days and it has been very helpful in pointing out this tendency. It has also pointed out how much suffering we bring on ourselves from the mere appearances of our mind. How we allow ourselves to be stressed out about uncomfortable situations we are not in (but might happen in the future) or how we imagine how a significant other is off doing something when we don't know if it is actually occurring or not or how we might be financially ruined if this or that happens (but are sitting in a nice home with a full stomach). Once I considered how silly it is to stress about something that isn't happening, much of the stress we put on ourselves melts away.
Also, along those lines is Meditation. It's simply the process of slowing down these cycles of bad thought so we can enter a state of peace. I used to think the point was to stop all thinking, but simply slowing down the nonsense and following the lines of thought we want is in itself an almost equal benefit - clarity.
conflict and separate emotion from my problems. I made a lot of
personal
progress because of this. Unfortunately, the world is not so eager to
face such things head on. A lot of people avoid these things at all
cost. In a lot of ways, it has led to the failure of more than one
friendship. I almost feel like it has left me with a way that keeps me
from sharing my love with the world. Conflict and criticism is how I
help people. I really enjoy the process of working through a problem
and helping people work towards the things that they want and the
things that will improve the quality of their lives. I love doing this
in my own life. Researching, reading, talking with friends and then
putting it in to practice and monitoring the results. I guess this has
highlighted for me the need to improve my delivery so that my genuine
concern can come through. I am going to have to work on sharing these
things in a way that's more acceptable and less hurtful.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Thursday, August 04, 2011
Tuesday, August 02, 2011
Questions I meant to ask myself....
You probably already told me this, but what are you in school for?
my reply (with a few additions to flesh out the areas where I needed to be honest with myself):
The short answer is to get my masters in teaching with an emphasis in biology (coursework is split between the two departments).... the longer answer is that I did finance and economics in undergrad and worked for a hedge fund... I have taken the last two+ years off and still have no clue what I want to do next (mainly because any job I take would be a huge step backwards (in terms of both content and to some degree pay and certainly in terms of work environment from where I was before). Additionally, given how little there is left that I want to learn in the field, I am not interested in working years to get to the point where I was already at.
Over the years different friends have suggested that I consider being a teacher. A few months ago I finally went to the college of education to see what opportunities might be available. I ended up getting a scholarship that covers almost all of tuition so I decided to go through with it. I still have no convincing answer for myself when I ask the question "what do you want to be when you grow up?" (I'm only about 60% certain I will even teach at all, and ironically the biggest reason would be for student loan forgiveness - I plan on taking out loans in grad school so I don't have to work while I am in college. I do think the jobs makes a lot of "sense" for me and the lifestyle I want for myself, I am just not particularly excited about it (though don't take this to mean that I am am not partially interested).
The overarching reason however that I am going back is that it is a low-cost, socially-acceptable way of not going back to work (I don't care about money, I just don't want to ostracize myself by appearing to be a total bum). I have plenty of big ideas I want to realize in my lifetimes, I am just waiting for the right conditions to come along so I can pounce on it - in time this may in fact be an opportunity for me to do some of those big things. Mainly because it will afford me the means (time and money) to do what I want. I would not have these if I was working a normal workweek with standard vacation time.
In short, I have given up almost entirely on the idea of a career which seems to be the one thing so many people in our generation seek. I really want my life to be a series of interesting jobs (each several years in length) that lead towards my longer term goals of being involved in some form of local government, potentially a writer/photographer, and a Unitarian Universalist minister (or at least a role where I am dealing with thoughtful, interesting people and I am able to share the things I have learned over the years and to be regularly challenged to define for myself the areas where I and our society at large can experience the most growth).
Towards this end, the biggest challenge (or at least source of worry for me) will be my financial security. Growing up with a depression era grandfather next door and in a rural area that was drenched in poverty, it is something that has always been a source of anxiety. Ironically, I get more comfort from finding ways of being frugal than I do of actually earning income. My goal is to be able to survive off of pennies rather than being rich. I also like this way of life because it is something I can share with others, when the path to riches is not something that is universally available. This spendthrift mentality does however pose certain social obstacles when confronted with a society based on materialism. Thankfully, the recession/looming depression has changed social attitudes. Now that I am thinking about it more clearly, it's essentially that the way of life I was raised in is now coming into vogue as economic conditions have deteriorated.
In any case, I am going to enjoy the coming school year and reevaluate my options depending on what happens (mainly the availability of scholarships - funding for the grant that approved my scholarship may not be renewed since it comes from the National Science foundation and would be subject to federal budget cuts).
Thursday, July 28, 2011
An old lesson
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
noodle not to mention I'm running a temperature of 101.6. In short, I feel absolutely miserable. Maybe basic healthcare is a right, I wouldn't put
anyone through this if there was a cheap alternative.
It's hard though when it's treated like an on off switch - cover everything or nothing. They need to separate basic
care (antibiotics, stitches, ect) which is quick and cheap from emergency
care (car wrecks, falls, serious accident) which needs a natural
disincentive but also will occur even to safe individuals, from chronic care (think Parkinson's) which I don't know what don't know what to do about from end of life care (cancer, other terminal conditions) which
tends to be the most expensive (about 60% of total lifetime costs)...
Preventive care and education about diet and exercise in schools
should also play a huge role....
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
dumpster diving
why did you ruin what you bought
for a tax code?
for a silly rule?
it's real food
and people are hungry
and cheap
and bored
thanks for the vegetables
for the 8 dozen doughnuts
for the treasure hunt
for a little peace of mind down the road
Does this mean I am officially a hipster now?
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Wednesday, July 06, 2011
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
I wrote these words?
I looked into people, into sex, into books, into money, into power, science, to the structure of the brain, to language, into philosophy, and then back to where I started. I know as simple and as trite (and as odd) as it may sound (and now as evangelical), the message of Jesus was the answer to a satisfying life. I had always looked at christianity as a way to stop thinking. As a way to simply look at the world through a lens of truth (albeit not my own) but one through which answers came easily, and souls were settled by concrete and unchallengeable maxims. As it seemed, they already had the world figured out. Christians were the possessors of their own truth and the world could offer nothing to it's complete and unique understanding... Certainly that did not work for someone who still had so many questions. I see now, that as a child my understanding was incomplete, at this point, I'd say utterly wrong. I thought relgion was a doctrine for people who couldn't come up with a way to live their own life. Instead, I just found it was the answer that I had been trying to come up with my own, and had been unable. I was able to find all of the complexity, and depth, and simulataneous simplicity that anything I belived in would have. And that being said, i should be able to explain it in a few sentences.... so I will try....Admit imperfection. Love your neighbor, love God, follow your conscience. And if that's what you really want to do, there is an idea, a power, that will alllow you to do all those, and give you the freedom to do what you inwardly would like to become.... and simulataneously on top of it all, bring peace. That is essentially what I believe at this point in my life. Yes, there are tons and tons and tons of other ideas, and histories, and people that come along with this simpe story... but at it's core, it's simplicity was far too alluring to deny. Certainly, had the results been absent, I would have soon forgotten this antiquated notion of new life... but the promises were true, and I have been witness to a transformation within myself. A quiet process that is both instantaneous and neverending... Given my past history, I was well aquainted with the words of King James, and knew what that thick black book was on it's pages, but I didn't understand it. When i came to believe, I had many different questions than you would have about it's validity. I wanted the seeming contradictions answered, mysteries explained, stories expounded upon, before I could even look at the basic message again. Ultimately though, when it came down to it, i had to get past all of the junk I has associated with Christianity, and give it a look with fresh eyes, and a mind that could actually understand it. Once I realized this, I began to see that most people don't get the message of Jesus, even within the church - it is much more palatable than any Southern Baptist would lead you to believe. As you are reading this, I can see you getting mad at me for even suggesting it. I understand your own initial hatred of the idea. The church is probably one of the biggest reasons you have such an internal conflict, that and your family... which again is most certainly in large part related to the influcence of the church. I certainly am not telling you want to believe, that is what fools do. I am trying to tell you something I found that works, which is what friends do. Hopefully you see it as that, and not some demeaning indoctrination. All i really wanted to do, was encourage you to give it another look, and try to squeeze some truth out of the words it has to offer. I supposed it would be rather shortsighted to encourage you to look at something, and not give you direction, so I'll just show you what got me started, and curious... "See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ. 20) Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: 21) "Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!"? 22)These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. 23) Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence..." It was an interesting idea, and a promise that I wasn't ready to just ignore... It's no where near the point of my faith, but it did show me that there was much more that I had missed, and much to learn. Anyway, good luck with classes... I wish i could explain it all in just a few short words, but it really is the peace of God which transcends all understanding.... i wish something like it for you...