The Graduate

Strange. I remembered the ending of this film pretty accurately until the final few seconds. I always carried an image of two people riding off in a red convertible still laughing about what had just happened - imagining they had found their own way, that they had found their own version of redemption. My mind totally edited out the final few seconds where they started to drift apart mentally. The Simon and Garfunkel soundtrack was so perfectly timed. Damn that is such a great film. 

Is it beneficial?

I was in the book club at UU and made a comment about talking with others and one of the guys said it sounded like the Rotary Club 4-way test. It is quite close to my own value system.
__

Of the things we think, say or do
Is it the TRUTH?
Is it FAIR to all concerned?
Will it build GOODWILL and BETTER FRIENDSHIPS?
Will it be BENEFICIAL to all concerned?
____

I  think it's an excellent way of summarizing how we should deal with each other and a very good model for behavior. I like things like this because they help me to make sense of difficult situations and give me at least one sensible way to quickly deal with those issues when they arise.


(After reading it, I realized had seen this years ago on a fountain in Charleston in Marion Square.)

____

In other news, I have been writing a lot in the little moleskine book I purchased the other week. It's been helpful for sorting out my thoughts and has given me a way to record things that I might otherwise forget. As I expected, its also been much less distracting than trying to take notes on my phone (Facebook/texts/email, ect - generally an electronic black hole). Though I have noticed it makes me appear a bit curious to outsiders. Overall, it's been a nice addition. I think I am going to keep using it. It's worth the extra space it takes up in my pocket. 

The most useful aspect has been for recording my failures in human interactions. Given I am able to immediately jot down what I would like to work on, it has served as a faithful aid. I have been able to reflect on those mini-lessons and take down the advice of others. Without this record I, likely would be repeating these same mistakes more frequently.

One of the most curious things that I discovered after using it for the past couple of weeks is that I use different pronouns at times. For some notes, I will say "I" while in others I will say "you." I wonder if I have pinpointed at least a bifurcation in  the different voices I might have internalized over the years. I will try to pay more attention to it in my day-to-day life.

____


I have been doing a bit of reading lately (at least more than usual). The most recent book I went through was The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm.  I have enjoyed it, but reading has ironically (particularly given the subject matter of this book) made me want interaction with real people less and less (Though this might be because lately I have been in a position of talking through problems others are having rather than seeking guidance on my own). Books have a way of being succinct and dense that often doesn't happen in regular conversation. It seems like a good book will have several compelling ideas on a single page whereas it might take half an hour to glean as many from most conversations. It's also hard to get to a point where ideas are actually flowing back and forth. People are way too guarded. It has also taught me to recognize the importance of "bad company" - to identify "zombies." People whose souls have died but whose mouths still work - people who chatter about banal trivialities (my sense of humor falls into this too - it is often without substance and is something I need to discard in large part). Along those lines it has pushed me to try to really listen in conversation (though this is admittedly VERY tough for me). I am often making more judgments and internal evaluations than anything else. Memorizing what the person says is not listening. Listening is about shutting out my own internal chatter and really being with the person there. It's easy to sound off advice without really believing a word of it. It is an entirely different process to just shut up and really try to empathize with someone else.

The other challenge this book has left me with is to be content while I am alone. The author asserted that the ability to be happy alone is a prerequisite for love. I think there is some truth in this. Particularly since I often view relationships as a way to fulfill my own longings (to varying degrees: intellectual stimulation, acceptance, love, forgiveness, financial security, companionship). I think what Fromm was trying to say was that real love depends not on selflessness and embedded expectations of getting something in return. In any case it's certainly not related to the naive and infectious idea of "courtly love" so often tossed around as the ideal in today - the notion that obsession with some "true love" who will complete you.

I guess this is generally highlighting the start of a recent arch I have made from an obsession with my own destiny (career, education, economic security, personal spiritual development, to something related to, as a good Buddhist would say, reducing suffering in the world. I guess I am ready to start giving back a little (at .
least beyond the immediate circle of friends/family).
___

On the job front: I have tried to spend my lunch hour either writing, reading, meditating or exercising. It's a good way to break up the monotony of the day and get away from all the chatter of work (unavoidable if I dine with co-workers. 4 hours in the morning and 4 in the afternoon are pretty easy with that gap. I also should be scheduling more lunches with friends (particularly people I have identified as mentors in my own life).

The job itself is bearable. I am not unhappy there, but neither am I excited to go to work. It pays my bills and is not very stressful. I feel useful which is nice, but there is so much more I could be doing with my time and that always nags at my soul. The people are friendly and my boss has been very kind which is a welcome change (this is also my first female superior). We are quite different, but I appreciate that she looks out after me. It's nice to have that sense of protection rather than fear. I think a good boss is essential to any real career development and long term success at a job. I also try, to make sure I leave work at work at a reasonable hour and not bring it home with me.

I find myself more and more convinced of a life I keep drifting farther and farther away from. I feel like I am getting more and more entrenched with a sedate middle class yuppie lifestyle with each passing day though what I want couldn't be farther from this. I wonder if I am determined to make myself perpetually restless or if I am getting ready for a big life change. 

Changes

Well, once I made a decision to stop chasing company just for the sake of it, I haven't had very much to do besides read, sleep, and reflect. I have mainly slept a lot. It's also the first time since I was a small child that I would rather read than go socialize.  Generally, I come home from work, read for around an hour and just go to bed. I have gone to bed before 9 most nights this week (I am not sure how I have been able to sleep so muchion - I also supposed tonight is an exception since I am awake at 3:30 writing this). I also feel like I am at a point in my life where I am finally ready to settle down a bit. Most likely not ready for marriage, but at least  ready for something serious.

I guess I am writing because I know I should be doing more than what I just wrote with my time and want to plan out better use of it (or at least come to peace with this recent change).  Yet, while there is so much more I "could" be doing, but I just feel like I have done a lot of it. I guess I should also remind myself, the desire to constantly be doing something is also what I am fighting against. I want to be at peace, not to be perpetually ecstatic.

For the times when I do go out, I also need to think of all the people I would like to spend time with. I need to surround myself with friends who help me grow. They are mostly older, reflective people largely drawn from my circle of friends at the UU. Though lately, it seems like books are beginning to offer the most promise. That said, the idea of hanging out with dusty tomes seems silly. There has to be more to life than sitting around staring at printed words (or lights flashing on a screen for that matter).

I also can't decide if this realization has pushed me one step closer to moving away. I am feeling the allure of NYC again (or at least a city with more young adults as I slowly graduate from the college stage) as well as a general desire to go wander.

I suppose this is just an adjustment period. Contentment doesn't come easy. I scribbled something in my notebook the other day: "if I want to be at peace I am going to have to stop embracing my restless spirit." I am not sure if that is true, but I am def going to need to brush it aside during the periods of my life where I am not  in a position to wander. I guess that's the point of what I was writing. To control my thoughts and desires. To live deliberately and not be subject to every little whim. I guess that's where I am at. I made a decision to change and I want to stick with it.

Passion

always elusive...

Thoughts on Aging

Just some notes I jotted down from a discussion about the process of aging that I thought were worth sharing:

• loss of fear - primarily a result of experiencing failure and an acceptance that failure is ok, 
• the role of chance in life - and a tacit admission that we do not have control over our own destiny nearly as much as we would like
• everyone has something to teach
• A gradual disbelief in my own ability to know things with certainty (with this is religious fundamentalism, pure evil, and fairy tale notions of true love)
• a gradual acceptance of "reality" and a letting go of magical thinking (same list as above)... also a slow release from the torment of extreme philosophical views like solipsism
• also an appreciation for the natural world and the infinite interconnectedness of life and matter and the wonders of science
• Empathy/sympathy/compassion for others (this is also in no small part a result of failure and our ability to have common experiences)
• Self-control - particularly in moments when we are emotionally charged
• admitting ones own faults easily, and maybe even embracing them
• an appreciation for the role of art in human expression
• a release from the view that social structures and conventions matter, and a belief that they are all just a silly little game we all play

'But I would suggest that an ideal human life lies somewhere between my own defiant indolence and the rest of the world’s endless frenetic hustle. My role is just to be a bad influence, the kid standing outside the classroom window making faces at you at your desk, urging you to just this once make some excuse and get out of there, come outside and play."


Good article on the right pace of life....
http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/06/30/the-busy-trap/?smid=tw-share

Weary

I want companionship, among other things
In the absence of the former, I too often settle for the latter
Which has a way of sucking up all my available resources
time, money, energy
The tradeoff is worth less with each occurrence
I need to stop chasing trash and simpletons
for women who still live for their mother's approval
and those who cling to silly notions of childhood
yes, fairy tales of a perfect romanace
I am no prince
those who's hearts are chained to another
or those who have withered from heartbreak
I already know what I want
I just have to go after it
and stop getting distracted by nonsense

Mouth Breathing and ADHD

This is a bit different than most of my posts, but after seeing the benefits (and Google traffic to this site from an old post on ADHD, I thought it was worth sharing).
My newfound quest to document my biggest problems has led me first to focus on my lack of quality sleep. I long ago realized that feeling well-rested was a main source of "happiness" most days. It is hard to be grumpy when I wake up feeling like a new man. I rarely have problems sleeping, but I also rarely feel rested in the morning. I am sluggish, my eyes are often burning and I generally feel worse than when I went to bed. I had written this off as "not being a morning person" but I think there is more to it than that.

I have long known of my own snoring problems and my brother's own sleep apnea problems (he uses a breathing machine to sleep at night). Ex-girlfriends have often told me how awful I my snoring can be as well as times when I have stopped breathing and then gasped for air while sleeping. I have been reluctant to do that just because I do not want to become dependent upon such cumbersome external devices. However, I have also ignored small things which might have helped me to overcome my own lack of quality sleep. The key recommendations for a good night’s sleep have always been: exercise, no late meals and no alcohol close to bedtime. I have only haphazardly followed those directions and. It is often advised that people sleep on their back, breathe through their nose and stay well hydrated. I did not do any of those and it has caused persistent sinus problems which has led to me too often to be a "mouth breather" instead of typically breathing through my nose which has numerous health benefits including filtering air, humidifying air, increasing oxygen uptake, and even releasing nitrous oxide which increases oxygen uptake further.

A recent article also suggests that it may be the cause of ADHD diagnoses. This makes intuitive sense, as I can certain relate to the mental fogginess that always appears the day after an all-night or those unfortunate days where I must wake up early after a long night out on the town. I can also relate to the anxiety that comes from not being able to breathe, either while swimming or while wrestling.
I also noticed how calming "nose breathing" can be through practicing yoga and meditation.  In both of these disciplines it is an essential aspect. For whatever reason, they both also greatly reduce anxiety. I have also noticed that when I forcibly applied pressure to my cheeks to make breathing easier my performance while running increased drastically. I was able to run a 5K at a nice clip without much effort.

Anyway, after documenting (and reflecting on the past) I can see a clear relationship between sleep and productivity/clarity. So, with that duly noted, I am attacking it head on - 8 glasses of water, regular exercise, and I also just ordered breathe right strips and a neti pot. Even this week, after just three days of directed effort, I have observed a noticeable difference. I feel much more clarity, and my thoughts don't seem quite as overwhelming.

____

Update: 6/29

Oh my god! Sweet baby Jesus (or maybe I should thank Vishnu since this originated from Vedic texts). In any case, the neti pot is amazing. I would have given the breate right strips a 10 before, but after using the neti pot for the first time yesterday afternoon, I am hooked. I have asolutely no obstructions and slept like a baby. I feel like someone poured the equivalent of sinus-equivalent draino down my airways. I have been missing out.... 

I was having a discussion with one of the guys at UU about his self-published book (mainly for his own benefit) on happiness. One of his seven points is that we are unhappy because we are often not very rational. Earlier this week, I was reading over some of my old trading logs from my senior thesis and was rather surprised at all the insights I had recorded once I forced myself to follow some basic guideilnes before making trades. They reduced my trading costs, risks and more importantly, the emotional anxiety that I often let creep in as a result of just winging trades. Both of these reminded me that I need to be "scientific" about how I do things. I learned value of this at Bridgewater many times over. Intuition is very important, and its value cannot be underestimated, but it needs to be tempered by facts and data. 

In general, I need to make better documentation surrounding issues I am having. This includes basic things like life habits (sleep, food, exercise, hobbies, work) and how they effect my quality of life and overall sense of well-being. Outlining basic causes and effects is easy and only takes a few minutes per day.

This should also include interpersonal issues. I often find myself internally going don't do that because this or that negative consequence will happen if you do. Yet at the same time I lack the resolve to follow through. While it isn't certain that having a clear outline will make me have better self control (nor do I have any desire to turn myself into an automaton once I create a list of rules for myself), I think having better facts will probably help me solve my problems much more quickly and parse through the data that I might otherwise miss. The problem with intuition is that it is also easy to ignore. Data is less easily dismissed. Especially when the observations span weeks and months. It's also nice to have the collection of accumulated wisdom from years past all at my finger times. It's so easy to spend weeks coming to some profound insight about a personal flaw, to recognize, it master it and then fall back into the same habits years later. It's nice to be able to quickly glance at a few pages of notes/principles and asses relative personal progress.

It also goes back to something I discussed on here before about the power of simply writing things down. For the past several years, putting ideas in writing has an almost magical way of helpiong me to accomplish those tasks. This might be a result of the forced articulation of thought that it requires. It forces me to stay on track and allows me to make several steps of progress that I might not otherwise make because of my internal distractions. Writing allows me to pick up right where I left off whereas returning to an earlier thought is never so easy.

It also builds upon my other post about wanting to get rid of my cell phone (or at least break my connection to it). 

Last week in my iPhone of the past few years finally died. It just didn't turn on after a night on the town. I assume the battery finally gave out.

For two days I went without it. I was relaxed. I felt at peace. I didn't feel the need to constantly do something: to always text someone, to research every question that arises in my mind, to document important thoughts, to cure my boredom with music, to read emails.

At the local flea market, I noticed people's faces in a way that I hadn't before. I met more people. I actually rummaged through what was there rather than casually walking by.

I was even more perceptive on my on walk and the tension in my face and back.

My car ride to a family reunion was not interrupted by rings nor was a distracted from staring at my phone. I am sure the highways of this fine state were safer because of it. 

On my way home, I stopped at corn fields and ate straight from the stalk. I got out my camera and photographed the rural area I came from. I took in the world around me and didn't really stress about anything.

Anyway, I bought a new phone a few days later, put part of my doesn't want it. Or at least I want to leave it in my car or at home - not in my pocket where it serves as a digital leash. I also want to withdraw from the need, Facebook, and all the noise that seems to create tension, anxiety and mental dis-ease.

I feel the anxiety slowing creeping back: the desire to be connected, to be informed. It's also made me aware of how much anxiety I left creep into my life via the disparet forms of communication: politically charged and inflammtory news stories, emotional distress on Facebook from friends, the need to "catch up," the longing and desire it always seems to create, and the sense of inferority and second-guessing it seems to fester.
I want to hear the birds, the wind., to look people around me in the eye, to think without distraction.

Instead of an iPhone I think I should switch to paper where I can quite literally gather my thoughts up like lost sheep. Where I can pause and focus and not be distracted by the next beep or buzz, where I am not overwhelmed with choice. Where I can reflect without the constant intrusion.

...where I can listen

Somebody that I used to know

"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." -Tolstoy



So it is with lovers and breakups. I spent months looking for the perfect breakup song, and none could ever articulate the special kind of sadness I carried around. I think that is what made it so hard. If someone had said what I felt I think it might have been easier. It just took a long time for me to birth what I really felt. Emotions buried so deep within my soul I had revisit parts of my childhood just to fully understand it all.

That being said, I don't think I have ever seen so many views on a video on YouTube. I think that song does capture one of the most difficult parts of a breakup. It just doesn't make sense to me how two people can be so close and a season or two later be so emotionally distant. Neruda said in his famous love poem "my heart is not content to have lost her." He was talking about the more conventional longing, but the words are still true. There is a sense that things should not be this way. On a related note, the radio show This American Life did a pretty funny episode on the whole topic of breakup songs and our collective need to put heartache to music. Maybe that's the allure of art. It gives us a way to say the things we don't know how any other way.

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/339/break-up

Anyway, just thought it was a song worth sharing though it appears everyone else has already heard it....

I started working again last Friday

Day one was nice
some familiar, friendly faces
But I can feel the slow creep of monotony
days passing by like a cards in a poker game
the smug satisfaction that comes with your own desk
free pens
fresh coffee
and a nice view
neatly ironed clothes
numbered spot in the parking garage
loathing
that's what I really feel
and fear
that I get sucked in again
it's all so comfortable
so hollow

Home came and went

Homecoming at my parents church
A couple hundred people
mostly familiar faces
People I grew up with
An old home
Fried chicken, biscuits, macaroni and cheese
I used to be so excited
It really was a reunion
The warmth was palpable, and still is
though I know my return would leave me feeling lonely
Distant
I have changed
So little to talk about
Yes, I can still learn much
about living simply
about plants, cooking, the weather, people who's faces I remember
but names I have long forgotten
our lives are so different
rural life, pastoral scenes
Chicken houses, corn fields
the smell of manure on a freshly plowed field
Distant memories
A part of my childhood
No longer
Now, just a man
Who has wandered too far
a runner who ran in one direction
Until he collapsed
home will be where he lies his head
he can see it in his mind, but
as if through a two way mirror
no longer a part of the conversation
time for coffee with a stranger
from last night

I think I will always be silly, childish and have a juvenile sense of
humor. I like to laugh, I like sarcasm, I can be crude and I like
pranks. I am sure my tastes and preferences will change, and my style
of humor will morph, but my general sense of irreverence is unlikely
to fade. I truly believe there are few things that can't be improved
with some measure of playfulness. When this basic tendency is not
valued as a part of my personality I feel somewhat lacking. When I am
not able to express it, I feel hollow. In future relationships I think
it is something I should examine very early on as it is a rather
important trait.

-----

I discovered today that my old girlfriend is getting married. I felt
like it was an inevitability from the moment I discovered the
relationship, so it is certainly not a surprise. Once I found out
about it, my initial reaction was to just call a friend or two have a
few beers and just put that chapter of life behind me. She was
obviously the first person I ever truly loved (at least since Vidthya
five years earlier) and I just took too long to fully express that.
So, there was an obvious sense of loss, not some deep longing, just a
sadness. Almost as if for a deeply loved pet that passed away years
earlier. Just a soft remembrance.

So, I stopped what I was doing and took an hour to go lay in the grass
and just focus on it intently and meditate on it. I will write up more
of my thoughts later. Stepping away from it for several months was
helpful though. I can tell I look at it more realistically. It offered
a good moment of reflection about human relationships, what really
matters, where I can grow and what I might want to work on in the
future. The sentences above were one roundabout realization it
spurred.

More scrap lumber projects - freshly stained

I built a few birdhouses too, but they aren't anything special.
I am enjoying this. It's pretty fun and the tangible benefits of my
labor are nice too.

Here is a link to my backyard projects post, which contains several other project ideas:
http://justinyoung.blogspot.com/2012/04/more-free-stuff-for-patio.html


Here is the area from a different angle
http://justinyoung.blogspot.com/2012/03/projects-are-good.html

Here is a list of my favorite ideas from my Pinterest Page.
http://pinterest.com/iamjustinyoung/around-the-house/

More scrap wood projects

Here is the second of my raised vegetable beds (seeds should be
sprouting in a few more days) along with a freshly painted bench I
made for
my back deck... I think I am going to make a few birdhouses next

Seeing people as people

I guess this started a while back during a conversation I had with my friend Pat about the prejudices we hold against others based on qualities we don't like (whether it be homosexual lifestyles, race, age, ect) and how it keeps us from seeing things as they really are. She said something to the effect of "They are human just like you and that's what matters. Whatever differences are there are trivial when you look at the beating heart beneath their skin - the fears, the hopes and the dreams - almost everyone shares these basic emotions and that is what ties use together." A week or two later I was reading a passage in the book 12 Steps to a Compassionate Life about empathy. It mentioned how we often hold grudges against others and end up, rather obviously harming ourselves more. What it suggested was to imagine that person - to get inside their head. To realize that just like you, they want to be happy, and that they deserve it. Just reminding myself of that on a daily basis has helped tremendously when dealing with disappointments from others. That was a good start, but it still didn't begin to help me to realize that I carry quite a bit of preconceived notions about lots of different types of people (some might be accurate, but it doesn't do me any good to dismiss them because of it - I often change who I am in response to it).

It kind of bothers me that it took drugs to actually apply those new insights, but I guess I should thank Tylenol PM anyway and just be grateful. A few weeks ago I was driving home (probably shouldn't have been after Tylenol PM) but through the mental fog I saw a group of black guys from the local black college walking across the street. Rather than scoffing that they were blocking traffic (which is what I would have done) I actually noticed that they were laughing and smiling and looked really, really happy. I saw them as healthy, strong people. It was subtle, but it was entirely different than any way I had seem them in the past. I know had I had I seen some strong athletic white guy in front of me I would have felt some mix of admiration/envy. I usually don't get these feelings towards black people. I think this is for two reasons - one I have been so blinded that I don't even recognize basic good, desirable qualities in other people (deep seated racism) or that I know that I know I have no desire to be a black person in American society (though it's certainly possible that both are true). If either is the case I shouldn't be happy with the situation.

I guess I just wanted to write this down, because I have been rather amazed at how quickly posting on here translates to a real change in my life. Even if only a few people read it, there is something very cathartic and therapeutic about saying it "out loud."  I guess I want to examine my own potential prejudices more closely. I should probably sit down with Tom and Judy Turnipseed sometime soon as I know they both went through similar transformations (from working with George Wallace to working to fight for black homeless people here in Columbia.). I am sure they have much to reveal.

Shedding hypocrisy

I guess I should have prefaced my last few posts with a recent revelation. I noticed that many of my stated values (frugality (not eating out, shopping at thrift stores, dumpster diving), environmental friendliness, my desire to live very lightly (this includes things like growing some of my own food and traveling by bike) were often compromised in the face of social situations which call for different behavior (and tacit agreement with a much different way of life). One I verbalized this on the way to class one day, I began to be much more critical about the things I did with others and in the way my own lifestyle was at the whim of the desires of others. There is a famous passage by Thoreau at the beginning of Walden "I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion" Well, I have been thinking quite deliberately for some time, but it is clear my life has not reflected this in all aspects. The point is that I spend far too much time thinking (and often value the idea over anything else) more than I actually value the practice. I want to live as honestly and deliberately as possible.

More free stuff for the patio

Carpentry requires a level of patience and planning I don't have. That
was clear to me as I through this make shift adirondack chair together
from some old pallets. I was kind of amused at how easy it was to just
engineer little solutions for my imperfections and unevenness. One leg
shorter than the other? No problem, just chop one down or screw a
piece of wood to the other. Is this board loose? No problem, just add
a brace on the back. I think I made about for tweaks that any
carpenter would have laughed at, but the chair is sturdy and should
last until the wood begins to rot away. I do think I might benefit
from actually planning out a real project though. One where I have to
take my time, make proper measurements, make sure everything is level,
and where rushing through would defeat the purpose and ruin the final
product.

I am also happy with how I have been able to continually find new,
free ideas for making this project come together.

Commuter ready

I want to use this guy for 80% of my daily driving... It's finally
outfitted with lights, compartments, baskets and other things to help
make regular tasks (like grocery shopping) easier and safe. Glad I am
finally doing this. It's the smart thing to do.

Projects are good

It's very satisfying to be able to point at something and say yes, I did that.

This one was humble but effective. It's exactly what I wanted - a cozy
outdoor space to spend time with friends over a drink or fire.

Next up is the koi pond.

More lines in the sand

I need to think about establishing personal boundaries. Though I am critical and expect a lot of from women I am with, I do tend to be very forgiving - to the point that I will put up with almost anything if someone apologizes to me. I really am like a doormat at times. I need to learn how to balance what I think is acceptable behavior and my desire to not hold grudges. I need to learn how to distance myself from unproductive relationships - those that will be a waste of time and offer little opportunity for growth. 

re:Waking up with the sun

I could get used to this - a quiet freshing walk.... a cool morning breeze, almost like mountain air.... a warm cup of coffee... birds chirping... golden light everywhere... a big swing all to myself in the park.

I would certainly trade this for the late nights I spend staring at my laptop. I also feel it makes much more sense for when I go back to work. Most people (myself included) wake up and go straight to work and the time they have for themselves is at the end of the day when they are stressed and exhausted. Their employers get their best hours and they get the leftovers. It's a pretty raw deal. It would also improve my work habits a little. I would certainly be in a position to hit the ground running if I picked up this routine. 

Also from a photographer's perspective I am missing half of the best lighting of the day. It will certainly open up more opportunities to see things differently. 

Small changes

I am slowly turning into a urban hipster. I find myself biking more. I have long ago given up on retail shopping altogether (I stick to thrift stores, curbsides, ebay and flea markets). I realized I enjoy taking scrap material and repurposing it, refurbishing, or just appreciating it in it's worn state. 

This weekend I built a small raised vegetable bed this week and a small patio area with fire pit in my back yard. I did both of these entirely out of materials I had laying around or found on the side of the road (things that only last week I was considering taking to the dump so I could clean up the area) . I landscaped it with plants I found on Craigslist. I plan on making hanging torches out of old wine bottles from a local tapas bar. I was inspired to do this after I spent a nice evening around a firepit made from the top of a grill and nicely lit with a simple strand of old Christmas lights. It was some dirt poor couple just enjoying life. I began to realize this was just as nice as anything I might do if I constructed it out of bricks and mortar and had a contractor do it. I realized that I wouldn't have enjoyed the evening any more had it been in a some perfectly constructed urban setting. There was something almost cozy about it all. I also realized it might be some time before I am able to do all the things I want to do if I wait until I can do them "properly,"  In general I have have realized that doing things the way everyone else expects them to be done isn't going to give me the most benefit in life (even if it does increase my home equity - though this isn't entirely certain either). I need to be more creative in how I seek out solutions to the things I want. I need to be flexible. I need to be aware.

Over the past six months I haven't really bought anything for my house, but It continues to be furnished from discarded furniture from friends and things I have found laying around. I furnished my entire dining room from this stuff. 

I guess the point of this whole post is just to point out that I have a little more faith in the universe to provide me the things I want as long as I am willing to be patient, creative and flexible.