I've got to avoid talking about politics and controversial social issues with my friends, so they remain so. It's just an annoying habit I need to eliminate. The causes of beliefs are too deep to understand in a 30 minute chat over coffee and these things are best handled through long, dispassionate letters, books and emails anyway. I need to use the time I have with friends for more personal matters.

On being yourself

It seems pretty obvious, but to be fully happy being yourself requires people who understand you. I need to pay more attention to when I'm biting my tongue and generally holding back, as well as the times when I feel truly liberated to say what's on my mind (and accepted when I am able to do so).

After a while you come to expect disappointment in certain parts of life. I suppose it's not really disappointment though at that point, just skepticism. Though it's hard to feel the palpable glee like a child anxiously awaiting Santa's gifts, or a much-anticipated date later in life without pure disregard for disappointment.

Something about spaces like these that makes my soul feel free...

The difference between mediocre people and successful people is that successful people rarely come across a good idea without putting it to use

Tired

I went to Bonnaroo this past week and spent the days preceding it with friends who visited from out of town. I didn't sleep much while they were here and I slept even less while I was at the festival.

I left Sunday afternoon and rolled back into town Monday morning half falling asleep behind the wheel. Ordinarily I wouldn't want to be this tired but this week I interesting effect of my lack of sleep was that my brain sort of shut off all the outside noises. Oddly, this mental fog ended up helping me to be more clear in my presentation to others. Ordinarily I am trying to jump several steps ahead of people but for the past few days I have been able to pause before I speak, organize my thoughts, and generally catch myself before I put my foot in my mouth. Interestingly as the days have passed and I got more rest, I noticed this ability dissipated. Just something I wanted to note...

I cured my brain, but I never cured my soul. It's like I've been wearing clothes a half size too tight and I'm finally changing into my pajamas after a long day. I can breathe a little easier and my mind isn't isn't focused on the discomfort. It's like that moment when you change and see the lines impressed in your skin. If I wasn't so worried about sounding cliche I would have just said a knot in my chest is gone.


...but now the imprints are fading

"People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care."

I'd heard this quote before, but it rang particularly true today for some reason...

I haven't felt emotionally exhausted in a while, but after a presentation I had today at work, I just want to lay somewhere and sleep. I'm also kind of tired of trying to date people. I know this is a relatively constant source of emotional volatility for me and I think I'm looking forward to not dealing with it for a while as part of the withdrawal I planned. I'm also looking forward to a nap this afternoon, a good dinner and some Netflix.

It's funny people care more about local tomatoes than they do local politics...

Being Alone

I want to take the next month and work on being by myself again. I am going to go about this in a very simple way. Do not seek out people to spend time with. If they ask, then sure, but otherwise just keep to myself. I'm going to keep whatever engagements I already have, and go to any public meetings I want but out side those, I'll be with myself next month.

Sent from my iPhone

This feeling, like a finger poking me firmly in the belly just below the ribs was prompted by the return of an acquaintance who just made it back from the Peace Corp. I remember meeting her just over two years ago when she was talking about applying. I wasn't that close to her, but like me, she blogs (though clearly more for the sake of keeping friends/family in her life that for personal reasons) but it was interesting to contrast her own life with my own.

What is most concerning though is the sense of hollowness/emptiness that I had reading her posts. It's the same feeling I get when I go over a small hill in the road too quickly and the car is momentarily airborne. I don't really know what to make of it. It's always hard for me to make sense of my emotions which is why I try to pause and figure them out when I have unsettling ones.

After reading it, two things became very apparent. The first was that two years is not long at all (but by the same note -- it is a lot of time to waste). The second is that on a relative basis I have had very little growth. As much as I like to pretend I am changing and maturing, I am still relatively static. I have given up a few bad habits, but overall I think that I am still the same as I was when she left. I mean, I don't really know how much she has grown, but I can only imagine the transformation that had to occur after living in such bare bones conditions in a foreign land. While I don't think the Peace Corp is necessarily the right decision for me, I do think that here is likely something I could be doing that would be helping me to be the type of person I need to become. It's all to easy to get caught in a cycle of reasonably satisfying material improvements but moments like this remind me that time is so fleeting. She's lived in another country for two years, seen a different way of life, learned a new language, helped hundreds of people. You can do a lot in two years, or you can do very little.

Social media offers the promise of not being forgotten. I think that's the secret fear of many - that if we quit reaching out, if we quit showing off, if we stop the endless self-promotion, we will be forgotten. It's a struggle against the inevitable. This simple vanity offers those of us who aren't reflective the promise of meaning and purpose. Though if we want meaning, I think we have to do just the opposite and shine the spotlight elsewhere...

Status Update

All dressed up with a clean house and nowhere to go....

Well, that's a good time to write. Probably should go have another glass of wine and mediate first though. BRB. I will just do an update of my life since the start of the year.

This year has been really good financially. I refinanced my mortgage, did a home equity loan and refinanced everything thing else, and got a raise at work which also really nice. I also got in a wreck a few months ago which is ordinarily a bad thing. Fortunately this wreck, although rather nasty looking (a drunk driver ran a red light, hit my Jeep and spun it around causing it to hit the median and flip on its side), only resulted in some minor soreness. Fortunately, after some protracted "negotiations" with the insurance company I was able to get enough to replace my Jeep with another reliable car and have some money left over. I have been able to buy a few things I had wanted (like a new DSLR) and make some needed repairs/improvements to my house. In all, the improved cash flow/savings situation has allowed me polish up my lifestyle a little bit and given me the opportunity to buy a few things I have wanted and generally not have to worry about money as long as I don't make any big purchases. Two things I wouldn't have been able to do are work on small projects (like the patio I have been working on today) and the trip I went on last week (to New Orleans, Detroit, Pittsburgh, Canada and then the beach to spend time with the family) --at least without stressing out about it. I feel like now I am much closer to being able to have the life I envisioned I would have when I graduated college - one where work affords me some intellectual stimulation, doesn't suck up so much of my energy that I am drained when I make it home, provides enough money to work on projects I find interesting (around the house, artistic things, helping others) and to travel (both on interesting vacations and smaller road trips). I am also finally "proud" of what I have again. It's nothing special. I mean I drive a 10 year old car and live in a house in the hood, but I feel like I have a good life again. Everything works, is clean, and is reliable. I don't feel like I am holding everything together with duck tape or having to count dollars and make petty sacrifices (like not having a drink) when I am out with friends.


Work has changed a lot. I am working on much more interesting projects, have had some latitude to do my own research, and I really like my new co-worker. We are like a well oiled-machine when we work together and he is generally a really pleasant guy to work with.


I also think I am in the best shape of my life. I feel like I can run as far as I want ever since I ran the marathon a few weeks ago. I have also tweaked my training a bit to focus more on intensity (getting my heart rate up and trying to make sure I am fully winded. That seems to make a much bigger difference than just running and running at a normal pace. My new goals is to try to run a 5k under 20 mins. I'm also trying to add a little muscle and get up to 180lb, get a six pack and generally a nice body. I was working on this back in 2009 when i had an issue with a nerve in my arm (and the whole breakup which derailed everything). So far, that hasn't flared up and I am slowly making progress. I am being attentive to my diet (less emphasis on protein and low-cal, and more on just getting good food). I'm also not in a rush (doing much less weight lifting and more cardio) but things seems to be coming along just as quickly. Not sure how long it will take, but maybe I can get there by Christmas.

Generally, life is pretty good right now, but I think I would benefit from some goals. I have been wasting more of my time than I would like after work. Things to do:

1) Get cleared to mentor at Epworth
2) Work on patio area in back yard. Do a good job and make it look special. This will take some planning and a little craftsmanship. I initially planned to throw down a 10x10 square (which I did today) but I think a little creativity would go a long way. Plus, considering how long I (or at least someone) will use the area, it would be nice to put a little thought into it. Generally, I think I should work on adding some more trees to the back yard and make a plan for a nice laid out garden space with shrubbery, fruit, and flowers. New Orleans gave me plenty of ideas. Being a corner lot makes things much more difficult though. It will require special planning.
3) Read more. I have stacks of books I have purchased over the last year. I also need to get the reading list for the UU book club and find one I like and start on it now so I have plenty of thoughts by the time they meet.
4) Read the Free Times every Wednesday and pick out a few interesting events and invite the people who you would like to be there.
5) Plan more adventures for the weekends. 2.5 whole days to do as I please. I need to be more proactive about getting out and seeing things. I need to start doing at least one every 6 weeks.
6) Plan at least one creative project (right now that is probably photography).
7) Put my phone away. It's a huge distraction. The month off from FB was a good decision. Looks like applying this idea to other platforms (or maybe even something drastic like getting rid of my phone or the internet outside of work) would be beneficial.

Dreaming my life away counts for nothing...

What remains

If only memories were as easy to erase as names in my phone's contact list

They linger like the stale, dusty smell of a smoker on an old wrinkled shirt

Advice on traveling

Ask 5 strangers what to do, where they overlap, you have a plan.

Also pay particular attention to what the most boring, middle class people tell not to do. Those will make for the most interesting stories.

In general trust that things will work out, they most likely will.

Talk to locals, forget the tour guides. Ask about their lives and what things used to be like. Talk to different types of people - poor, rich, black, white, ect - Couchsurf when you can.

Get general directions. When you're closer ask again for specific stores/restaurants.

When it comes to food, I trust poor people. They tend to be less pretentious which also usually means better prices. Also, don't count pennies. Eat well. You're on vacation. One suggestion is to make lunch your biggest meal, it is cheaper. Also, if you don't eat, you'll be grumpy.

Every city worth seeing is best seen on a bike. No roofs, no traffic, no parking, no stop signs or street lights. Just roll. Stop when you want.

An iPhone can replace about 85% of what a DSLR will do (just make sure to take a backup battery though).

Take naps.

Traveling is always better with a friend if you're in a city. In nature it doesn't matter very much...

Relationships

Figure out what you can get from friends and figure out what "has" to come from the relationship. A mate doesn't have to (and realistically won't) meet all in your needs...

A few things to think about (develop this later)

Planning
Emotional needs
Hobbies/sense of adventure
Are their "problems" things you enjoy dealing with

Also, don't underestimate the importance of shared values and the vision of the world we want to create...

Ego

Find several ways to creatively dissolve the outward expression of ego when I make it back in to town - on Facebook, in conversation, in who I associate with, clothes... Will make a good 30 day challenge

It's going to be a busy week

Finally got around to planning my trip......

To choose a path no threat impedes
Wherever the light of conscience leads

Science can only explain what is measurable. I don't think it requires very much imagination to imagine that there is a lot we are missing or overlooking. This doesn't mean that science isn't incredibly useful and offer an incredible amount of value for improving the quality of our lives. It's just a statement that science is not truth and reasonable skepticism is healthy. Doubt is at the core of every belief, secular and religious.  Faith too is always necessary, even if it is imperceptible - in everything we do. Faith and doubt are nothing but probability assessments. 

Malleable Skills

I found an article that talked about the glut of recent PhD's with limited job prospects. I had an email exchange with a friend and talked about why that may be the case. He mentioned it may be a lack of social skills. Below is my reply

"Along the lines of social skills the original article mentioned a deficit in the skills needed to actually do well in work like. Personally I am terrible at patiently wading through menial tasks which is always necessary in any entry level job. I know I had the perception that i would come in, be instantly recognized for my ability and get paid to think and design. The world doesn't work that way. You have to do what you are told even if they do know you are capable. They hired you to do something and only later will you get a chance to prove yourself. You just have to keep your nose on the grindstone and endure it - at least until you can get a promotion or move to a better job at a new company. Also in academia you can skip tasks you don't like. My homework usually counted for about 5%-10% of my grade in school. I could spare the points and became accustomed to simply skipping assignments I didn't like. I could come in late or skip class if I wanted as long as it wasn't too frequent (and in some cases it didn't matter at all) without any real repercussions. In a professional setting you have to do 100% of your work. You can't just decide to skip the tasks you don't like. Respecting bosses just because they are your boss is also another essential skill they don't teach you in school. Loyalty, or at least the perception of it, is highly valued. These could be called social skills, but I think they are something different... something similar to discipline. Something similar to what you probably found in the army"

Separating Jesus from the Bible

The UU has people who share a wide range of religious views. Last night at the worship committee meeting we had a discussion about the criteria that would be used to select our new minister. One member expressed opposition to anyone who was "overly Christian" and was visibly upset at anyone who would preach from what he called a "homophobic, sexist..." and then just abruptly cut himself off. He talked about how they would need to be internally contradictory to believe it all. 

I don't think that's the case and below is an email I shared with him

"The Jefferson Bible gave me a totally fresh lens to see "Christianity" and I found it to be incredibly liberating. 

I think it's clear we both have different goals though, mine was simply to reconcile my beliefs with those of most of the people in my life and still have my own "responsible search for truth and meaning."

For me, it was clear there was obviously a lot of value in the Bible (though most of the good messages are not unique to it) but as you mention, there are also a lot of other mean-spirited, hateful messages as well as unscientific bunk that I think even the most creationist Christians would have a difficult time believing. 

Here is a good example I found a few years ago that I have never heard mentioned in any church: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Witch_of_Endor

It's clear Jefferson had similar issues. Rather than getting caught up in thousands of pages of religious texts and supernatural phenomenon, he simply took the parables of Jesus and said "Here, this is what he was really preaching." I found it to be very easy to swallow. 

The real issue (and purpose) for any religion is to give people a way to live and to make difficult moral decisions in life. I think the title of Jefferson's project highlights this "The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth." For me the supernatural stuff (whether or not there is a god or whether he was "RAISED FROM THE DEAD" or even if there is a heaven really aren't important.") What I found was a world view almost 180 degrees different than the materialist culture we live in. 

CS Lewis once said something along the lines of "Jesus is either a liar, a crazy man, or who he says he is." He tried to back you into a corner, but I think the "crazy man" label isn't that much of a stretch. Jesus was a wandering homeless man who hung out with the lowest members of society and enjoyed shaking up the religious establishment of his time. He lived in a world where religion was a set of silly beliefs and rituals (Pharisees) and had lost its way. Jesus said the whole law can be described up in as loving your neighbor. It's a world view that challenges me every day and reminds me not to cling to the popular measures of success - a pretty wife, money in the bank, decadent food, sex. I see his purpose as very simple - to tear down the nonsense of religion and be a true reminder of what we should do. That's how I see Jesus and I think that's how many "liberal" Christians see him too..."

Words

I wrote about the ambiguity of words a few weeks ago, but I didn't touch on the fact that language as a whole has slowly taken on the same shift towards meaninglessness (particularly in academic and political circles). I came across a fantastic article by George Orwell where he

"The writer either has a meaning and cannot express it, or he inadvertently says something else, or he is almost indifferent as to whether his words mean anything or not. This mixture of vagueness and sheer incompetence is the most marked characteristic of modern English prose, and especially of any kind of political writing. As soon as certain topics are raised, the concrete melts into the abstract and no one seems able to think of turns of speech that are not hackneyed: prose consists less and less of words chosen for the sake of their meaning, and more and more of phrases tacked together like the sections of a prefabricated henhouse."

here is an example he used to illustrate this

"Now that I have made this catalogue of swindles and perversions, let me give another example of the kind of writing that they lead to. This time it must of its nature be an imaginary one. I am going to translate a passage of good English into modern English of the worst sort. Here is a well-known verse from Ecclesiastes:

I returned and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all.

Here it is in modern English:

Objective considerations of contemporary phenomena compel the conclusion that success or failure in competitive activities exhibits no tendency to be commensurate with innate capacity, but that a considerable element of the unpredictable must invariably be taken into account."

While I tend to use metaphor quite frequently, I have always felt a bit insecure about it. I feared it only exacerbated other's perception of me as some unrefined, small town, country hick. Concrete imagery almost feels tainted because it is associated with our world. Quaint is a good word. Abstractions are like wisps of cigarette smoke in a still room. They have an airy sophistication about them that lets them rise like helium above what others are saying. Unfortunately, as Orwell points out, they often lack any meaning. They are just pleasant sounding phrases tacked together like magnetic words on a refrigerator.

When you are composing in a hurry -- when you are dictating to a stenographer, for instance, or making a public speech -- it is natural to fall into a pretentious, Latinized style. Tags like a consideration which we should do well to bear in mind or a conclusion to which all of us would readily assent will save many a sentence from coming down with a bump. By using stale metaphors, similes, and idioms, you save much mental effort, at the cost of leaving your meaning vague, not only for your reader but for yourself. This is the significance of mixed metaphors. The sole aim of a metaphor is to call up a visual image. When these images clash -- as in The Fascist octopus has sung its swan song, the jackboot is thrown into the melting pot -- it can be taken as certain that the writer is not seeing a mental image of the objects he is naming; in other words he is not really thinking.

Several years ago I read a book called "On Bullshit." It's main premise was that bullshit was much worse than lying because at least a liar knows what the truth is. A bullshitter just says whatever he wishes without any regard for reality. I remember one story in that book he told about a mason who laid the mortar perfectly  on the underside of a cathedral. When someone asked him why, he said it was for the glory of god. In that moment I realized what craftsmanship was. Most things can be taped or glued or beaten into shape. Kludges  are usually effortless and I am an expert at them. Though the sight of careful handiwork of an attentive laborer always makes me stop and just admire what they are doing, even for simple things. When the poor man at the car wash gets on both knees to polish the wheels of my truck and remove the caked on brake dust to leave them sparkling. A cobbler who restores and renews old lifeless leather shoes. A carpenter who precisely saws each piece of pine and snugly screws each board. It comes from an appreciation for what they are doing and a desire to do it well. One can sling words like a Jackson Pollock painting or nail them together like some old shanty house but this will earn no admiration. Give me a neighborhood of McMansions or a finely crafted mountain cabin and I know where I will call home. Language is no different. I need to slow down. I need to be deliberate. I need to craft my words with the care of a gardener who gently places seedlings in freshly turned soil. I get too excited and my mind goes faster than my mouth and I struggle to keep up. Then I find myself talking as my mouth has just started to wander. I need to tame it. It must be domesticated.