Wednesday, May 29, 2013
I haven't felt emotionally exhausted in a while, but after a presentation I had today at work, I just want to lay somewhere and sleep. I'm also kind of tired of trying to date people. I know this is a relatively constant source of emotional volatility for me and I think I'm looking forward to not dealing with it for a while as part of the withdrawal I planned. I'm also looking forward to a nap this afternoon, a good dinner and some Netflix.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Being Alone
I want to take the next month and work on being by myself again. I am going to go about this in a very simple way. Do not seek out people to spend time with. If they ask, then sure, but otherwise just keep to myself. I'm going to keep whatever engagements I already have, and go to any public meetings I want but out side those, I'll be with myself next month.
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Saturday, May 25, 2013
This feeling, like a finger poking me firmly in the belly just below the ribs was prompted by the return of an acquaintance who just made it back from the Peace Corp. I remember meeting her just over two years ago when she was talking about applying. I wasn't that close to her, but like me, she blogs (though clearly more for the sake of keeping friends/family in her life that for personal reasons) but it was interesting to contrast her own life with my own.
What is most concerning though is the sense of hollowness/emptiness that I had reading her posts. It's the same feeling I get when I go over a small hill in the road too quickly and the car is momentarily airborne. I don't really know what to make of it. It's always hard for me to make sense of my emotions which is why I try to pause and figure them out when I have unsettling ones.
After reading it, two things became very apparent. The first was that two years is not long at all (but by the same note -- it is a lot of time to waste). The second is that on a relative basis I have had very little growth. As much as I like to pretend I am changing and maturing, I am still relatively static. I have given up a few bad habits, but overall I think that I am still the same as I was when she left. I mean, I don't really know how much she has grown, but I can only imagine the transformation that had to occur after living in such bare bones conditions in a foreign land. While I don't think the Peace Corp is necessarily the right decision for me, I do think that here is likely something I could be doing that would be helping me to be the type of person I need to become. It's all to easy to get caught in a cycle of reasonably satisfying material improvements but moments like this remind me that time is so fleeting. She's lived in another country for two years, seen a different way of life, learned a new language, helped hundreds of people. You can do a lot in two years, or you can do very little.
What is most concerning though is the sense of hollowness/emptiness that I had reading her posts. It's the same feeling I get when I go over a small hill in the road too quickly and the car is momentarily airborne. I don't really know what to make of it. It's always hard for me to make sense of my emotions which is why I try to pause and figure them out when I have unsettling ones.
After reading it, two things became very apparent. The first was that two years is not long at all (but by the same note -- it is a lot of time to waste). The second is that on a relative basis I have had very little growth. As much as I like to pretend I am changing and maturing, I am still relatively static. I have given up a few bad habits, but overall I think that I am still the same as I was when she left. I mean, I don't really know how much she has grown, but I can only imagine the transformation that had to occur after living in such bare bones conditions in a foreign land. While I don't think the Peace Corp is necessarily the right decision for me, I do think that here is likely something I could be doing that would be helping me to be the type of person I need to become. It's all to easy to get caught in a cycle of reasonably satisfying material improvements but moments like this remind me that time is so fleeting. She's lived in another country for two years, seen a different way of life, learned a new language, helped hundreds of people. You can do a lot in two years, or you can do very little.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Social media offers the promise of not being forgotten. I think that's the secret fear of many - that if we quit reaching out, if we quit showing off, if we stop the endless self-promotion, we will be forgotten. It's a struggle against the inevitable. This simple vanity offers those of us who aren't reflective the promise of meaning and purpose. Though if we want meaning, I think we have to do just the opposite and shine the spotlight elsewhere...
Monday, May 20, 2013
Status Update
All dressed up with a clean house and nowhere to go....
Well, that's a good time to write. Probably should go have another glass of wine and mediate first though. BRB. I will just do an update of my life since the start of the year.
This year has been really good financially. I refinanced my mortgage, did a home equity loan and refinanced everything thing else, and got a raise at work which also really nice. I also got in a wreck a few months ago which is ordinarily a bad thing. Fortunately this wreck, although rather nasty looking (a drunk driver ran a red light, hit my Jeep and spun it around causing it to hit the median and flip on its side), only resulted in some minor soreness. Fortunately, after some protracted "negotiations" with the insurance company I was able to get enough to replace my Jeep with another reliable car and have some money left over. I have been able to buy a few things I had wanted (like a new DSLR) and make some needed repairs/improvements to my house. In all, the improved cash flow/savings situation has allowed me polish up my lifestyle a little bit and given me the opportunity to buy a few things I have wanted and generally not have to worry about money as long as I don't make any big purchases. Two things I wouldn't have been able to do are work on small projects (like the patio I have been working on today) and the trip I went on last week (to New Orleans, Detroit, Pittsburgh, Canada and then the beach to spend time with the family) --at least without stressing out about it. I feel like now I am much closer to being able to have the life I envisioned I would have when I graduated college - one where work affords me some intellectual stimulation, doesn't suck up so much of my energy that I am drained when I make it home, provides enough money to work on projects I find interesting (around the house, artistic things, helping others) and to travel (both on interesting vacations and smaller road trips). I am also finally "proud" of what I have again. It's nothing special. I mean I drive a 10 year old car and live in a house in the hood, but I feel like I have a good life again. Everything works, is clean, and is reliable. I don't feel like I am holding everything together with duck tape or having to count dollars and make petty sacrifices (like not having a drink) when I am out with friends.
Work has changed a lot. I am working on much more interesting projects, have had some latitude to do my own research, and I really like my new co-worker. We are like a well oiled-machine when we work together and he is generally a really pleasant guy to work with.
I also think I am in the best shape of my life. I feel like I can run as far as I want ever since I ran the marathon a few weeks ago. I have also tweaked my training a bit to focus more on intensity (getting my heart rate up and trying to make sure I am fully winded. That seems to make a much bigger difference than just running and running at a normal pace. My new goals is to try to run a 5k under 20 mins. I'm also trying to add a little muscle and get up to 180lb, get a six pack and generally a nice body. I was working on this back in 2009 when i had an issue with a nerve in my arm (and the whole breakup which derailed everything). So far, that hasn't flared up and I am slowly making progress. I am being attentive to my diet (less emphasis on protein and low-cal, and more on just getting good food). I'm also not in a rush (doing much less weight lifting and more cardio) but things seems to be coming along just as quickly. Not sure how long it will take, but maybe I can get there by Christmas.
Generally, life is pretty good right now, but I think I would benefit from some goals. I have been wasting more of my time than I would like after work. Things to do:
1) Get cleared to mentor at Epworth
2) Work on patio area in back yard. Do a good job and make it look special. This will take some planning and a little craftsmanship. I initially planned to throw down a 10x10 square (which I did today) but I think a little creativity would go a long way. Plus, considering how long I (or at least someone) will use the area, it would be nice to put a little thought into it. Generally, I think I should work on adding some more trees to the back yard and make a plan for a nice laid out garden space with shrubbery, fruit, and flowers. New Orleans gave me plenty of ideas. Being a corner lot makes things much more difficult though. It will require special planning.
3) Read more. I have stacks of books I have purchased over the last year. I also need to get the reading list for the UU book club and find one I like and start on it now so I have plenty of thoughts by the time they meet.
4) Read the Free Times every Wednesday and pick out a few interesting events and invite the people who you would like to be there.
5) Plan more adventures for the weekends. 2.5 whole days to do as I please. I need to be more proactive about getting out and seeing things. I need to start doing at least one every 6 weeks.
6) Plan at least one creative project (right now that is probably photography).
7) Put my phone away. It's a huge distraction. The month off from FB was a good decision. Looks like applying this idea to other platforms (or maybe even something drastic like getting rid of my phone or the internet outside of work) would be beneficial.
Well, that's a good time to write. Probably should go have another glass of wine and mediate first though. BRB. I will just do an update of my life since the start of the year.
This year has been really good financially. I refinanced my mortgage, did a home equity loan and refinanced everything thing else, and got a raise at work which also really nice. I also got in a wreck a few months ago which is ordinarily a bad thing. Fortunately this wreck, although rather nasty looking (a drunk driver ran a red light, hit my Jeep and spun it around causing it to hit the median and flip on its side), only resulted in some minor soreness. Fortunately, after some protracted "negotiations" with the insurance company I was able to get enough to replace my Jeep with another reliable car and have some money left over. I have been able to buy a few things I had wanted (like a new DSLR) and make some needed repairs/improvements to my house. In all, the improved cash flow/savings situation has allowed me polish up my lifestyle a little bit and given me the opportunity to buy a few things I have wanted and generally not have to worry about money as long as I don't make any big purchases. Two things I wouldn't have been able to do are work on small projects (like the patio I have been working on today) and the trip I went on last week (to New Orleans, Detroit, Pittsburgh, Canada and then the beach to spend time with the family) --at least without stressing out about it. I feel like now I am much closer to being able to have the life I envisioned I would have when I graduated college - one where work affords me some intellectual stimulation, doesn't suck up so much of my energy that I am drained when I make it home, provides enough money to work on projects I find interesting (around the house, artistic things, helping others) and to travel (both on interesting vacations and smaller road trips). I am also finally "proud" of what I have again. It's nothing special. I mean I drive a 10 year old car and live in a house in the hood, but I feel like I have a good life again. Everything works, is clean, and is reliable. I don't feel like I am holding everything together with duck tape or having to count dollars and make petty sacrifices (like not having a drink) when I am out with friends.
Work has changed a lot. I am working on much more interesting projects, have had some latitude to do my own research, and I really like my new co-worker. We are like a well oiled-machine when we work together and he is generally a really pleasant guy to work with.
I also think I am in the best shape of my life. I feel like I can run as far as I want ever since I ran the marathon a few weeks ago. I have also tweaked my training a bit to focus more on intensity (getting my heart rate up and trying to make sure I am fully winded. That seems to make a much bigger difference than just running and running at a normal pace. My new goals is to try to run a 5k under 20 mins. I'm also trying to add a little muscle and get up to 180lb, get a six pack and generally a nice body. I was working on this back in 2009 when i had an issue with a nerve in my arm (and the whole breakup which derailed everything). So far, that hasn't flared up and I am slowly making progress. I am being attentive to my diet (less emphasis on protein and low-cal, and more on just getting good food). I'm also not in a rush (doing much less weight lifting and more cardio) but things seems to be coming along just as quickly. Not sure how long it will take, but maybe I can get there by Christmas.
Generally, life is pretty good right now, but I think I would benefit from some goals. I have been wasting more of my time than I would like after work. Things to do:
1) Get cleared to mentor at Epworth
2) Work on patio area in back yard. Do a good job and make it look special. This will take some planning and a little craftsmanship. I initially planned to throw down a 10x10 square (which I did today) but I think a little creativity would go a long way. Plus, considering how long I (or at least someone) will use the area, it would be nice to put a little thought into it. Generally, I think I should work on adding some more trees to the back yard and make a plan for a nice laid out garden space with shrubbery, fruit, and flowers. New Orleans gave me plenty of ideas. Being a corner lot makes things much more difficult though. It will require special planning.
3) Read more. I have stacks of books I have purchased over the last year. I also need to get the reading list for the UU book club and find one I like and start on it now so I have plenty of thoughts by the time they meet.
4) Read the Free Times every Wednesday and pick out a few interesting events and invite the people who you would like to be there.
5) Plan more adventures for the weekends. 2.5 whole days to do as I please. I need to be more proactive about getting out and seeing things. I need to start doing at least one every 6 weeks.
6) Plan at least one creative project (right now that is probably photography).
7) Put my phone away. It's a huge distraction. The month off from FB was a good decision. Looks like applying this idea to other platforms (or maybe even something drastic like getting rid of my phone or the internet outside of work) would be beneficial.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Monday, May 13, 2013
What remains
If only memories were as easy to erase as names in my phone's contact list
They linger like the stale, dusty smell of a smoker on an old wrinkled shirt
They linger like the stale, dusty smell of a smoker on an old wrinkled shirt
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Advice on traveling
Ask 5 strangers what to do, where they overlap, you have a plan.
Also pay particular attention to what the most boring, middle class people tell not to do. Those will make for the most interesting stories.
In general trust that things will work out, they most likely will.
Talk to locals, forget the tour guides. Ask about their lives and what things used to be like. Talk to different types of people - poor, rich, black, white, ect - Couchsurf when you can.
Get general directions. When you're closer ask again for specific stores/restaurants.
When it comes to food, I trust poor people. They tend to be less pretentious which also usually means better prices. Also, don't count pennies. Eat well. You're on vacation. One suggestion is to make lunch your biggest meal, it is cheaper. Also, if you don't eat, you'll be grumpy.
Every city worth seeing is best seen on a bike. No roofs, no traffic, no parking, no stop signs or street lights. Just roll. Stop when you want.
An iPhone can replace about 85% of what a DSLR will do (just make sure to take a backup battery though).
Take naps.
Traveling is always better with a friend if you're in a city. In nature it doesn't matter very much...
Also pay particular attention to what the most boring, middle class people tell not to do. Those will make for the most interesting stories.
In general trust that things will work out, they most likely will.
Talk to locals, forget the tour guides. Ask about their lives and what things used to be like. Talk to different types of people - poor, rich, black, white, ect - Couchsurf when you can.
Get general directions. When you're closer ask again for specific stores/restaurants.
When it comes to food, I trust poor people. They tend to be less pretentious which also usually means better prices. Also, don't count pennies. Eat well. You're on vacation. One suggestion is to make lunch your biggest meal, it is cheaper. Also, if you don't eat, you'll be grumpy.
Every city worth seeing is best seen on a bike. No roofs, no traffic, no parking, no stop signs or street lights. Just roll. Stop when you want.
An iPhone can replace about 85% of what a DSLR will do (just make sure to take a backup battery though).
Take naps.
Traveling is always better with a friend if you're in a city. In nature it doesn't matter very much...
Wednesday, May 01, 2013
Relationships
Figure out what you can get from friends and figure out what "has" to come from the relationship. A mate doesn't have to (and realistically won't) meet all in your needs...
A few things to think about (develop this later)
Planning
Emotional needs
Hobbies/sense of adventure
Are their "problems" things you enjoy dealing with
Also, don't underestimate the importance of shared values and the vision of the world we want to create...
A few things to think about (develop this later)
Planning
Emotional needs
Hobbies/sense of adventure
Are their "problems" things you enjoy dealing with
Also, don't underestimate the importance of shared values and the vision of the world we want to create...
Ego
Find several ways to creatively dissolve the outward expression of ego when I make it back in to town - on Facebook, in conversation, in who I associate with, clothes... Will make a good 30 day challenge
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