I don't spend enough time with myself. I let people pull me into their worlds, their interests. I need to be a little more assertive when it comes finding alone time. I also need to be more appreciative when it comes along. I have been trying (unsuccessfully) for the past few weeks to really reserve Sundays for myself and spend half the day reflecting in solitude. However during the work week when I hope to stay busy, I often find myself antsy when faced with the prospect of being alone. I need to be more appreciative of this time and embrace it when things turn out that way. I was reading some old emails during my breakup and was surprised at both the clarity and depth of my emotion. I rarely find times to organize my thoughts so carefully. 

As I sit here now, on a lazy Sunday afternoon, the grey skies overhead, feet slightly cold in my cozy home, I feel calm. I feel at peace. Just relaxed. Time stands still for a bit. I feel my own heart, beat. It makes my breathe undulate. I hear the air as I breath out. I hear birds chirp and squawk. The house creaks even after a hundred years. My feet rustle against the comforter. My mind stops for a bit. The whole world is right here. Possibilities, the future, yesterday, my bank account.... none of that matters. I just sink into my mattress and keep breathing slowly and deeply. My muscles relax and let go. I can sit still. Peace.

Old advice to myself

more old notes (I still need to work on the last one):

• When you have an idea, don't just use intuition. Pull the data for it. Do your research. Fact check. Lay out a clear thesis. Doubt yourself. Be precise
• Be more friendly. Be more helpful. You like nice people!
• When you have a question/feedback for someone first make a serious effort to understand their reasoning and decision making process before you state what you would do differently. 
• Spend less time writing email
• Rely on other people for help and don't be afraid to ask for it. 
• DIVE IN! You like learning. Don't put off the hard/tedious stuff for last. Just assume you will figure it out. You probably can, and if not, see #5
• Don't ask questions you can look up yourself
• Deal with issues/questions up front. Don't wait to ask important questions. 
• Take clear notes about personal failures. Reflect on them. Learn from them
• Work on self discipline. Learn to bite your tongue. Exercise restraint. 
• Set realistic expectations and makes sure you have clear and explicit expectations
• If you have time to think before you act, let it all simmer. Take advantage of the time and ignore your impatience as difficult as it might be.
• Read more carefully, more slowly. Then read it again. 
• Be less confrontational in conversations. You don't mind a good debate and can generally keep calm, but others don't always see the sport in the back and forth. Just say that's nice and listen, nod your head. You will be surprised what other people have to say and how they open up to you. 

What I want in life:

More notes from my old notebook:

- A big circle of interesting friends who challenge me intellectually (growth), who share similar interests and who are reliable and willing to help

- A place where I can plug myself into and make a tangible difference in my community

- An absence of the stresses and problems of modern life (mostly urban issues)... loss of physical space, noise (and an absence of quiet green spaces), pollution, financial stress

- The ability to live freely and express myself (lots of jobs restrict this - professionalism is a waste of my life)

Procrastination

I read a book on procrastination a while back and came across my comments in an old notebook. I felt they were worth sharing:

1) Be mindful of "feeling good" vs "feeling good about yourself" --> I have a tendency to to be lazy and enjoy life but long-term satisfaction comes from pushing yourself in the short term. Sometimes things in the short term are difficult. Don't shy away from them

2) Avoid indulging in a private self image that is at odds with your public self image (this has been the most useful point since I read the book). This type of passive fantasizing can take the place of actually doing things that demonstrate your worth or "specialness" to others and yourself. Examples include:

• saying one thing but acting another
• re-imagining arguments to play a more flattering role
• using social media to project an image that isn't real
• acting different depending on the social circle

It is important to identify these inconsistencies as they undermine both identity and respect (once you are found out) as well as your tendency to actually accomplish things

3) Differentiate between dreams and goals.

• Dreams are visions, loose knit ideas
• Goals are achievable, have steps and can be measured

CHANGE HOW YOU SPEAK:

replace vague passive language with direct concrete

• "I wish" and "I'd like to"  become "I will try".... 
• Change "someday" to specific times
• Avoid make believe talk - exist in reality
• "I deserve more than I am getting"
• "I'm entitled to..."
• "I know it will all come out OK in the end....."
• "I'm the best person they ever had in this role...."
• "I shouldn't have to account for my time...."
• obviously in all of these some truth, but truth is not expressed.... If you want to say such things either back them up with facts or don't

CHANGE HOW YOU ACT:

plan each major project in writing, with a timeline and deadlines

• lay out mini-goals and check them off
• you need something to measure your progress against

1. Keep a "to do" and a "to think about" list
1. set a time each day to plan 
2. make lists in the morning or before bed
3. check during the day
4. review afterwards to see how you did
2. Distinguish between things you will definitely finish and things you hope to finish
3. Use timers/alarms/phones to remind you 

DO INSTEAD OF THINK!

Seek out more interaction with others:

-Don't get lost in dreams

- LISTEN to them DEEPLY 

- Actively seek out their views (nod your head, invite them to speak)

- Keep quiet, don't brag about what you know - make them comfortable

 

Thought vs. Intuition

I have always considered myself a good "thinker" though I have also known for some time that I am generally confusing to others when I try to convey exactly how I come to a conclusion. I am only now understanding why my extemporaneous thought has always been rather confusing to others.

What I am realizing is that while I may be an ENTP, my strongest attributes are external intuition and internal thinking. Internally I am able to quickly highlight the key aspects of a situation and make a decision off of them. Being a strong N-type means I am admittedly weak at walking through the small steps I made to arrive at a conclusion. I should avoid trying to share the inner workings of my admittedly non-linear thought processes without first pausing to synthesize it into something another human being can process. There is nothing wrong with sharing my general opinion of a situation, the biggest concerns/risks I have identified but if I wish to consider "debate" further, I should write out my thinking privately in a clear and linear manner. Only then it will be in a form that a larger population can follow.

Also, slowing down would probably be helpful too

Ruminating

While one of my biggest assets is my ability to be adaptable, the blase', almost aimless approach I often take might be a little too passive.While I am often quite reflective, I don't often make as many tangible changes because of my approach.

I need to stay grounded and keep my head from getting lost in a world possibilities.Short-sightedness, narrow thinking and a lack of vision are three things I try to avoid, though most of my mental wanderings/ideas/planning/dreaming aren't really beneficial. They often cause me to doubt myself. When I am present and focus on what I am doing, I am generally pretty happy. There is nothing wrong with pausing and working on tangible improvements to my life, but the all-pervasive, second-guessing I frequently engage in doesn't usually do anything but bring anxiety and confusion (things like Facebook are good at helping to generate these thoughts). It rarely results in a plan or even a single step I might take to improve my lot. The question I should be asking should be simply, "does my situation make me unhappy" or "am I mostly responsible for my own unhappiness?" In either case, what concrete steps might I take to find a more enjoyable life. Wishing I had taken another career or educational path, wishing I had more money/looks/intelligence, or that old relationships had panned out doesn't do anything. Wishing I might change the world without participating in it is just self-indulgent fantasy.

I need more short terms goals, I need more self discipline, I need determination, I need a little more selflessness, I need to take a few more targeted risks, I need to seek out feedback from those who care about me.

To do that I need more alone time. I reflect on what I really value and what would be the most beneficial to those around me. I need to open my eyes to see the needs beyond my own narrow scope. This does not mean I should be unimaginative, but that I should focus only on the things I can actually hope to accomplish (and then maybe multiply by a factor of two for good measure). I need to focus on the short term and intermediate terms tasks that I need to execute on in order to carry out whatever vision I want to bring to life.

Refinement?

So, I sit here on my porch with smug satisfaction.  Drinking from a leaded crystal tumbler. Drinking a little refreshing summer cocktail I whipped up with things from the garden: cucumber, basil, lemon mint, a splash of lemonade, club soda, vodka and a pinch of salt. I think how simple most bars are and how I can much nicer drinks for myself. Such pretentious taste. 

I reflect on my own life. How I would rather live in this hundred year old house with it's thick molding, hardwood floors, and high ceiling than live in some comfortable boring, ordinary abode in the 'burbs.... even if it is in the hood and refuses to cool below 80 for the months of July and August. How I am willing to trade these immediate comforts for the perception of refinement. I think about my past at Bridgewater or at the Governor's School and the satisfaction that came from telling others I attended. Or at work, where I just joined the Capital City Club. Each morning I sit and dine from a breakfast spread that rivals some of the nicest hotels I have stayed in. Or last night I, reflected on my own disdain for my parents TV viewing habits as I watch classic cinema on Netflix. Such arrogance. Such pretension.  

I wonder what I am trying to compensate for? My own trailer trash past? My country accent. The pervaise perception that anyone with a southern accent must be stupid? A critical father? I remember my last two bosses always got a kick out of making fun of my southern past. Was it from Governor's school and trying to  compete with everyone else? My complete ignorance to even the most elementary aspects of etiquette as a child? I can't think of any specific instances when I was spurned by a woman that would have caused this.

I also can think of just as many instances when I have embraced low brow activities, though I generally view these as satire. I feel different when I am enjoying nicer things. I suppose I am still mentally playing, but I feel as if that is where I belong.

Mindfulness

Let's talk...

Chance...

An honest man cannot ignore the profound role that chance plays in his life. I do need to give credit to Buffet for reminding me of the side I often forget. I think it explains a lot of the political divide we have in our country. I guess the answer is that both are right and both are wrong. Chance is real, so is hard work and they each play varying roles in every person's life. One certainly cannot succeed without hard work, but one also cannot also look back at life and argue that fortune did not play a role.


Buffet acknowledges had he been born black or born a woman expectations would have been different and he wouldn't have been nearly as successful. Jay-Z also talks about how lucky he was just to make it out alive from his own crime-ridden neighborhood.

Said differently, everyone buys a lottery ticket with some small sliver of hope, but only one will win. Life is similar in some regards (though success is much more likely if you do "buy the ticket.")

I am reminded of the words of Qoheleth (Ecclesiastes).

"Again I saw that under the sun the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, nor bread to the wise, nor riches to the intelligent, nor favor to those with knowledge, but time and chance happen to them all.

Fools are put in many high positions, while the rich occupy the low ones.

I have seen slaves on horseback, while princes go on foot like slaves.

Whoever digs a pit may fall into it; whoever breaks through a wall may be bitten by a snake.

Whoever quarries stones may be injured by them; whoever splits logs may be endangered by them."

However, ultimately the perception of events is in the mind of the individual. I think that's why Buddhism has been so helpful. It reminded me that my outlook determines my happiness. As Buffet demonstrates in the video below, had be born in India with the same skills, they would have been much less useless, but he would have done it regardless of the payout. He says he would have traded had the payout been in seashells. His own life reflects that. He certainly does not live like a billionaire.

"Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do."

"Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom."

and most elusively....

"Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun--all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun."


(start at :50)