I think I will always be silly, childish and have a juvenile sense of
humor. I like to laugh, I like sarcasm, I can be crude and I like
pranks. I am sure my tastes and preferences will change, and my style
of humor will morph, but my general sense of irreverence is unlikely
to fade. I truly believe there are few things that can't be improved
with some measure of playfulness. When this basic tendency is not
valued as a part of my personality I feel somewhat lacking. When I am
not able to express it, I feel hollow. In future relationships I think
it is something I should examine very early on as it is a rather
important trait.

-----

I discovered today that my old girlfriend is getting married. I felt
like it was an inevitability from the moment I discovered the
relationship, so it is certainly not a surprise. Once I found out
about it, my initial reaction was to just call a friend or two have a
few beers and just put that chapter of life behind me. She was
obviously the first person I ever truly loved (at least since Vidthya
five years earlier) and I just took too long to fully express that.
So, there was an obvious sense of loss, not some deep longing, just a
sadness. Almost as if for a deeply loved pet that passed away years
earlier. Just a soft remembrance.

So, I stopped what I was doing and took an hour to go lay in the grass
and just focus on it intently and meditate on it. I will write up more
of my thoughts later. Stepping away from it for several months was
helpful though. I can tell I look at it more realistically. It offered
a good moment of reflection about human relationships, what really
matters, where I can grow and what I might want to work on in the
future. The sentences above were one roundabout realization it
spurred.

More scrap lumber projects - freshly stained

I built a few birdhouses too, but they aren't anything special.
I am enjoying this. It's pretty fun and the tangible benefits of my
labor are nice too.

Here is a link to my backyard projects post, which contains several other project ideas:
http://justinyoung.blogspot.com/2012/04/more-free-stuff-for-patio.html


Here is the area from a different angle
http://justinyoung.blogspot.com/2012/03/projects-are-good.html

Here is a list of my favorite ideas from my Pinterest Page.
http://pinterest.com/iamjustinyoung/around-the-house/

More scrap wood projects

Here is the second of my raised vegetable beds (seeds should be
sprouting in a few more days) along with a freshly painted bench I
made for
my back deck... I think I am going to make a few birdhouses next

Seeing people as people

I guess this started a while back during a conversation I had with my friend Pat about the prejudices we hold against others based on qualities we don't like (whether it be homosexual lifestyles, race, age, ect) and how it keeps us from seeing things as they really are. She said something to the effect of "They are human just like you and that's what matters. Whatever differences are there are trivial when you look at the beating heart beneath their skin - the fears, the hopes and the dreams - almost everyone shares these basic emotions and that is what ties use together." A week or two later I was reading a passage in the book 12 Steps to a Compassionate Life about empathy. It mentioned how we often hold grudges against others and end up, rather obviously harming ourselves more. What it suggested was to imagine that person - to get inside their head. To realize that just like you, they want to be happy, and that they deserve it. Just reminding myself of that on a daily basis has helped tremendously when dealing with disappointments from others. That was a good start, but it still didn't begin to help me to realize that I carry quite a bit of preconceived notions about lots of different types of people (some might be accurate, but it doesn't do me any good to dismiss them because of it - I often change who I am in response to it).

It kind of bothers me that it took drugs to actually apply those new insights, but I guess I should thank Tylenol PM anyway and just be grateful. A few weeks ago I was driving home (probably shouldn't have been after Tylenol PM) but through the mental fog I saw a group of black guys from the local black college walking across the street. Rather than scoffing that they were blocking traffic (which is what I would have done) I actually noticed that they were laughing and smiling and looked really, really happy. I saw them as healthy, strong people. It was subtle, but it was entirely different than any way I had seem them in the past. I know had I had I seen some strong athletic white guy in front of me I would have felt some mix of admiration/envy. I usually don't get these feelings towards black people. I think this is for two reasons - one I have been so blinded that I don't even recognize basic good, desirable qualities in other people (deep seated racism) or that I know that I know I have no desire to be a black person in American society (though it's certainly possible that both are true). If either is the case I shouldn't be happy with the situation.

I guess I just wanted to write this down, because I have been rather amazed at how quickly posting on here translates to a real change in my life. Even if only a few people read it, there is something very cathartic and therapeutic about saying it "out loud."  I guess I want to examine my own potential prejudices more closely. I should probably sit down with Tom and Judy Turnipseed sometime soon as I know they both went through similar transformations (from working with George Wallace to working to fight for black homeless people here in Columbia.). I am sure they have much to reveal.

Shedding hypocrisy

I guess I should have prefaced my last few posts with a recent revelation. I noticed that many of my stated values (frugality (not eating out, shopping at thrift stores, dumpster diving), environmental friendliness, my desire to live very lightly (this includes things like growing some of my own food and traveling by bike) were often compromised in the face of social situations which call for different behavior (and tacit agreement with a much different way of life). One I verbalized this on the way to class one day, I began to be much more critical about the things I did with others and in the way my own lifestyle was at the whim of the desires of others. There is a famous passage by Thoreau at the beginning of Walden "I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion" Well, I have been thinking quite deliberately for some time, but it is clear my life has not reflected this in all aspects. The point is that I spend far too much time thinking (and often value the idea over anything else) more than I actually value the practice. I want to live as honestly and deliberately as possible.

More free stuff for the patio

Carpentry requires a level of patience and planning I don't have. That
was clear to me as I through this make shift adirondack chair together
from some old pallets. I was kind of amused at how easy it was to just
engineer little solutions for my imperfections and unevenness. One leg
shorter than the other? No problem, just chop one down or screw a
piece of wood to the other. Is this board loose? No problem, just add
a brace on the back. I think I made about for tweaks that any
carpenter would have laughed at, but the chair is sturdy and should
last until the wood begins to rot away. I do think I might benefit
from actually planning out a real project though. One where I have to
take my time, make proper measurements, make sure everything is level,
and where rushing through would defeat the purpose and ruin the final
product.

I am also happy with how I have been able to continually find new,
free ideas for making this project come together.

Commuter ready

I want to use this guy for 80% of my daily driving... It's finally
outfitted with lights, compartments, baskets and other things to help
make regular tasks (like grocery shopping) easier and safe. Glad I am
finally doing this. It's the smart thing to do.